Original subtitles

♪ Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight ♪

♪ Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right ♪

♪ I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair ♪

♪ And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs ♪

♪ And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right ♪

♪ Here I am Stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

So, with my bad hips and... and my knees, I was totally stuck,

and I realized there must be a lot of people that are in the same...

Really make eye contact with Mr. Wonderful.

Can I get through this just once without you interrupting me?

Oh, yes, of course.

- Okay. - I'm sorry. Go.

So, then we started talking to other people,

- and it turns out that... - I need you to make love to Mark Cuban.

You know, I'm gonna throttle you.

- With your eyes. - With my hands!

You're just hangry. Nick should be here with Indian food any minute.

How do you know?

He texted your phone and asked what you wanted for dinner.

So I texted back and said Indian.

- You call him Honeybear, right? - No.

It might be a thing you do now.

- Hey, Honeybear. - You're welcome.

Oh, look, there's Frankie. Still. Again.

- And always. - I was sort of hoping

- I could just have dinner with my wife. - But she hates Indian, and I ordered it.

Frankie was just leaving.

Okay.

I'm picking up what you're throwing down.

I think your couch wants me to stay.

I think my husband wants you to go.

All right, fine. I'll take out my takeout.

But if you forgot the tofu tikka, I'm gonna...

Frankie! I'll see you in the morning, 9:00 a.m. sharp.

Can we make it noon? You see what I'm gonna eat tonight.

I definitely forgot the tofu tikka.

Alexa, lock the door.

Okay.

And you think that's gonna stop her?

I'm sorry we've taken over the place.

Oh, stop worrying.

You're gonna do great, and Frankie is made for TV.

I know. And we just need one Shark to say yes.

That's right. Little thing, though, that one Shark can't be Cuban.

- I'm sorry? - Anyone but Mark Cuban.

I'm gonna grab the plates and the Zantac. Be right back.

I don't understand.

Curry doesn't sit well with me.

No. Why can't I make a deal with Cuban?

I have a bad history with that guy.

Some ugly stuff went down between us.

Rich guy stuff.

Well, what did he do to you?

I don't want to talk about it.

It's actually painful just to think about.

Well, you do realize this would reduce our chances of funding the Rise Up

by 20 percent.

How am I supposed to tell Frankie that?

And there it is again. The most important thing is Frankie.

This is a very big thing for us.

I've completely accepted Frankie as part of our marriage.

I've done everything short of inviting her into the marital bed.

Yeah, well, that's good, 'cause she'd probably accept.

So just once, could you do something for me...

for the simple reason that...

I'm your husband and I'm asking?

Fine.

Fine. I promise, I...

We won't sell to Cuban.

Thank you, Honeybear.

Now let's eat this damn Indian food that neither of us wanted.

And now all Sol can talk about is going on a cruise.

Oh, you can't afford that.

You gave all that money to save the theater.

I know that, Peter. And I need it back before he finds out.

Our limit on spending without telling each other is $679.

That precedent was clearly settled with Sol v. Inflatable Jacuzzi.

You know, when you really look at it, this is all Sol's fault.

He's the one who turned our community theater benefit

into a fundraiser for a guy with cancer.

Oh, you're right. Sol's priorities are way out of whack.

Why help a guy with cancer when you can fund A Chorus Line?

Robert, you're not right for A Chorus Line.

- Hi, honey. - Hi, Sol.

Why do you two look so grim?

Oh, you know, just two old thespians

trying to figure out how to raise the curtain one more time.

You remember, Sol, how you ruined our fundraiser?

But don't you feel good that we did a wonderful thing

for a man who was suffering?

- I guess. - Yeah.

Okay, well,

these will at least cheer up Robert.

Cruise brochures.

I've whittled it down to three choices,

depending on how much we want to spend.

Queen of the Sea, which is super luxury deluxe,

Sea Chaser, which is medium luxury deluxe,

or the Drunken Seahorse,

which is not deluxe at all, but a boat that goes to some nice places.

Ah, the Seahorse. It sounds like they know how to party.

Isn't the Seahorse the one that had an outbreak of botulism

and several passengers perished at sea?

This is the one I want to go on, Peter.

But don't we deserve the super luxury deluxe?

As Saroyan said,

"In the time of your life, live."

We're all gonna end up in the ground anyway.

Like the people who died of botulism.

I'll call Queen of the Sea and check availabilities.

Okay.

You know what that made me think?

That I'm gonna put you in the ground?

Didn't you guys just recently buy fancy burial plots?

Last year. It was a very emotional day.

I'm sure it was. You need to sell them.

What? Are you insane?

It's the perfect solution to this mess Sol's put you in.

By the time it comes out,

either he'll be dead and have no idea,

or you'll be dead and have no idea how angry he is.

How come I'm not right for A Chorus Line?

Oh, Robert.

I can't believe how nervous I am.

I've never met a blood relative.

What's the worst that could happen?

He punches you off your bike and thinks you're fucking his mom?

Less that and more...

what if I hate him?

- What if I like him? - It'll be fine.

If you hate him, you'll never have to see him again.

And if you like him, then you've doubled your friend count.

Do people call cousins "cuz"? Is that a thing?

I don't know, bro.

Look, let's take the pressure off, okay?

We'll agree on a safe word.

And if you're miserable, just say it,

and I'll come up with an excuse to go.

Okay, good idea. What's the word?

- Uh, how about "latte"? - That's not gonna work.

- Why? - Because I'm ordering a latte.

Order something else.

I have to change my drink? Change your safe word.

Fine. Uh...

"Sugar."

Perfect.

- Hey. Are you my... Jordan? - You must be Bud.

- Hey! - Hi.

- Oh. Hey. - Uh... Oh, yeah.

- Sorry, that was awkward. - No, it's okay.

This is my brother, Coyote.

Oh, hi. How...?

But not as awkward as that.

Please.

So, uh, this is...

Yeah. Yeah. It is, isn't it?

So, uh, what made you go onto YourGeneMap-dot-com?

Uh, actually, my wife did.

She thought our daughter might be a genius and was hoping I'd be related to one.

Ah, sorry, I was only third in my class at Stanford.

Ooh.

- Just kidding, I was first. - Oh.

Kidding again. Uh, I didn't go to Stanford.

Sorry, I'm bad at jokes.

Please do not think I'm weird.

I went to Harvard.

- Oh. - It's okay. My brother just kissed you.

So, weird is a relative term in this family.

Anyhoo, why'd you go on the website?

Well, actually, I have this condition called CKD...

- Oh. - So I was looking around

for a genetic match...

because I kind of need a kidney.

- A what? - A kidney.

Donor.

Wow. Can you pass the sugar?

I'm so sorry about your kidney, man.

Hey, maybe Bud could give you one.

I, um...

So, uh, I... I realized there must be a lot of other people

in the same exact situation that I was...

I-I-I can't pitch like this.

Is it the rainstick?

No, it's... it's Sol.

- What are you doing here? - I'm Mark Cuban.

I thought, based on my performance, it was pretty obvious.

I plucked him out of obscurity.

Ah, give the kid a chance.

No, no, no!

There is no chance that Cuban is gonna buy this.

I mean, just forget Cuban.

S... Sol, go home.

Actually, in doing my research for the role of Mark Cuban,

I discovered he recently had a hip replacement.

Interesting.

Go on, Mark.

So, even though my character isn't the target demo,

"I" can relate to why a person would need this.

I knew you were one of those actors who does research.

Looks like Cuban's our guy, Grace.

Bingo-bango, that's our mango.

Want to hear my offer?

No. No offer.

Look, I'm telling you, Barbara Corcoran is gonna flip for the Rise Up.

I don't know, she's pretty fancy.

She is a New York real estate mogul.

Do you know how many toilets she controls in the Upper East Side alone?

I'm gonna concentrate on Barbara. You concentrate on Lori.

She's a Midwestern city gal, just like you.

I can work that angle.

But what about my hip?

Yeah. What about his hip?

I could even use the Rise Up to get up from my Shark chair.

Ow, ow, ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow!

Sol! Overacting.

But he does make a good point with the hip.

Frankie, the women Sharks are gonna get this.

We have to concentrate on them.

As your partner, I'm asking you to trust me.

Okay. You're my partner.

I trust you.

If you want me, I'll be in my trailer.

We've been in line for 45 minutes. No tacos are worth this.

Bud said every bite is like a sunset in your mouth.

He told Faith the same thing about her strained peas.

Oh, here he is. Just as we're getting close.

You know how you said there was almost a no-percent chance

- I would be a kidney match? - Yeah.

Well, you were very, very, very, very wrong.

- No way. - Are you serious?

Wait. What are... what are you gonna do?

Well, what choice do I have?

Call him up and be like, "Hey, Jordan, good news.

I'm a match, but I gotta look out for number one. So best of luck."

Hold on. You tell him that you're saving your spare parts for your family.

Allison, if you were sick, and your cousin could save you,

I'd want more than anything for them to give you a kidney.

Why can't he just be like other relatives and ask for money?

Oh, speaking of, could you spot me ten for the tacos?

This could only happen to me.

The first time I meet a real cousin, and now I'm down one kidney.

You do realize this means I can't play contact sports now, right?

Is badminton a contact sport?

It gets physical out there.

Were you guys talking about giving a kidney to someone?

- Oh, no, you don't need one too, do you? - No. No, no, no, no.

But that's really cool.

Yeah, my sister was saved by an organ donor who died in a car accident.

I've always wanted to thank him, but, you know, I-I can't.

So how about I thank you, huh? Free tacos for you and your friends.

Oh, you don't have to do that.

It's the least I can do for a hero.

Wow, he called you a hero.

That is a first for me.

Hey, hero, uh, I could still use that ten.

I'm starting to think this might be in bad taste.

Robert, if you're selling bathing suits, you go to a pool.

If you're selling grave sites, you go to a graveyard.

Nobody sells anything at either of those places.

Pretend we're listed on Zillow

and treat it like it's any other real estate.

Emphasize the view, the neighborhood,

the excellent school district.

Hi. Can I interest you in a glass of punch?

Okay.

You know, the sunset is particularly spectacular from this spot.

And the neighbors are...

very quiet.

Are you having an open house for a burial plot?

It was his idea!

He stole 20 grand from his husband!

Uh...

All right, so that's a soft yes.

This was a horrible idea!

And I never should have let you talk me into it.

Excuse me, we're looking for the sales office.

You found us. You buying? We're selling.

Actually, we're looking for a place for our mom and dad.

They passed unexpectedly.

They studied bats.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

You are Mr. and Mrs...

- Martinez. - Martinez.

But we're actually brother and sister.

Tell you what, you need two, we've got two.

Fifty grand, and your parents are sleeping here tonight.

Wow, that's really out of our range.

And a little offensive.

It is a beautiful spot.

Let's go.

- Wait. Please. - Robert.

Nobody buys a car without walking out of the dealership.

I don't want to make any money off these people.

And I need a check to clear before Sol finds out.

Man, you've got to get out of sales.

I think we can work something out.

Grace, look where we are.

I am so proud of you right now.

No, I'm proud of you for telling your story.

I'm proud of both of you. You're on in 30 seconds.

Oh, okay, remember, I got Barbara, you got Lori.

Pound it.

Just touch your fist to my fist.

Hello, Sharks. I'm Grace Hanson.

And I'm Frankie Bergstein.

And today, we are seeking a $200,000 investment

in exchange for ten percent equity in our business.

I've had a knee replacement. Also, I'm 80 years old.

And two months ago, I was home alone,

and I couldn't get off the toilet.

I grabbed for the toilet-paper dispenser,

and it broke off.

I mean, it was embarrassing, and, frankly, dangerous.

Luckily, my best friend and business partner helped me get up.

And so, we realized

there must be a lot of people

in the same exact situation that I was in.

If only there was a... a sleek, stylish product

that could help you get off the toilet

without making you feel you were in a hospital.

Well...

now there is.

Outstanding!

The Rise Up!

Whoa!

- Love it. - Fabulous.

Thank you.

So, Sharks, who's ready to Rise Up with us?

Nice job, ladies. I have a couple questions.

Uh, Mark, I think Lori was saying something.

Me? No, I wasn't talking.

- Oh, Barbara, it must have been you. - Oh, no. I'm out.

What?

Lori, uh, I don't think you know this, but I'm also from Detroit.

Uh, actually, I'm originally from Chicago.

And, ladies, I'm sorry. I'm out, too.

What the hell is happening?

Have none of you seen this miracle?

- Yeah. - Uh, Rohan, Mr. Candy Man.

- You ran Snickers. - I did.

How much nougat you gonna put into this baby?

I don't know. It depends how many units you have in production.

Uh, well, there's this one, and there's one at my ex-husband's house.

So, just two? There's no nougat for you. I'm sorry, I'm out.

I still have those questions.

Mr. Wonderful, I'm happy to answer your questions.

Look, I'm sure your ex-husband just loves it.

But look, I love money.

And if I don't have data, I'm not gonna flush mine down that toilet. I'm out.

Thanks for your input.

Are you all crazy?

Uh, Cube, uh, you had some questions. Can I call you Cube?

No. What's your background, ladies?

Oh, we cofounded a company called Vybrant,

which manufactures vibrators for women struggling with arthritis.

Wait, you make those? I'm gonna get back in here.

Yes! Oh, Barbara, I had a feeling about you.

Hello? I'm interested. I recently had a hip replacement.

Yeah, yeah, we-we know about the hip. Barbara?

- Yeah? - Do you have a patent?

- Barbara, do you have any questions? - Yes. Do you have a patent?

What a great question. We are patent pending.

- Great. - I just asked that.

Barbara, how do you put up with Mr. Chatty?

Uh, could we take a time-out so I can talk to my partner?

- Sure. - Uh, we'll be right back after this.

But...

So I meet this guy, who I never even knew existed,

and he asks me for this huge favor.

Now what do I say? I'm all, "Fuck yeah, man. Whatever you need."

And he's all, "Even if it's a kidney?"

And I'm all, "Especially if it's a kidney."

That's intense. What did your wife say?

Well, obviously, she was concerned.

Who can blame her?

But I said to her, "When our daughter grows up,

I want her to know two things:

Her Daddy's a hero,

and her shrimp allergies come from Mommy."

Hey, Jordan!

Oh, man. I always wanted to come to this place,

but I don't want to stand in that line.

No, no, no, no, no. Lines are not for kidney givers or kidney getters.

We're celebrities here. Mostly me.

Hey, Miguel! Can you get an al pastor for my cousin?

Oh, my God, this is so beautiful.

The long-lost cousins. Hey, I'll bring the tacos to you.

Thank you.

Uh, Bud, I've kind of got to talk to you.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. - Okay. All right. Uh...

Um...

Don't be shy. I'm about to have my organ inside you.

Well, it's good news, actually.

Another kidney became available.

It turns out it's a better match.

I'm sorry, what?

It means that you don't have to give me your kidney.

But I want to.

You can't.

You realize the polite thing to do is reject a kidney after it's in you.

I thought you'd be happy.

It's just that you give me this great gift, and now you take it back?

But don't you feel relieved? You get to keep your kidney.

It's just...

I've always been the guy that would need a kidney, not give one.

I guess I really liked being this other guy for a couple of days.

Bud...

you're not that guy for just a couple of days.

You are that guy.

Yeah, but from now on, you wait in line, hmm?

But... You heard all of that?

Yep.

You're treating Cuban like dirt.

You're interrupting him every time he speaks.

Yeah, I know, I know. But I'm telling you...

And I am digging it.

It's working perfectly.

He's eating out of the palm of your hand.

- He is? - I need you to go at him even harder.

- What? - Sol told me Cuban hates suck-ups.

You've got him looking for your approval.

Yeah, but see, I've got Barbara on the hook.

She is our whale.

That would be great if we were on Whale Tank.

Cuban is our Shark.

Time's up.

Now, I need you to go out there and be a real jerk to him.

That toilet is a hell of a thing.

Please. I'm obsessed.

What are you doing?

Just checking our bank balance.

Uh-huh.

I've been thinking a lot about the cruise,

and I just wanted to make sure it was sensible.

And is it?

It's definitely sensible.

Oh, thank God.

It's about time we had this honeymoon.

Of course. And now that we know we've got the money,

let's book the super luxury deluxe and sail around the Greek islands.

Europe?

Yes! We deserve it.

Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God. - Yes!

Who's that for?

Us, apparently.

Oh, God.

I begged Sidney not to do this.

He told me he wanted to get us something for all the money we raised for him.

You deserve it, Sol.

And, frankly, so do I. Now let's dig into these goodies.

Oh, wait. It's addressed to you.

Who are the Martinezes?

"It's so good to know our beloved parents will rest in peace.

Thank you again for selling us your beautiful burial plots."

That could mean anything.

First of all, Mark...

I never meant to be dismissive of you earlier.

I think what you have accomplished

as a buyer of basketball teams is...

I mean, really, God, all those championships.

One, actually.

But it was the best one, right?

I gotta be honest. I don't know what to make of you.

And that has me leaning in.

I'm gonna make you an offer.

- You are? - He is.

I see Rise Up helping millions of people.

I'm gonna give you exactly what you asked for,

$200,000 for ten percent.

- Barbara, can you do better than that? - No, I'm afraid I can't.

Can you do worse than that?

Yes, I certainly can. I'm out.

Well, then, that's it. Bring it home, big boy.

So we have a deal?

- Yes, we do, partner. - Uh...

- Great. - No, no, no, we don't.

I am really sorry.

I can't accept this deal.

- What? - What? Could you believe this?

- What? - I'm sorry, we're out.

- What? - Out?

- Wow. - Ooh.

What the hell did you just do?

Oh, Frankie, I'm sure we're gonna find somebody else...

Oh! Oh, no. No, we have somebody. Mark Cuban.

I think you need to go out there right now and... and tell him yes.

Well, they're just about to start the next pitch.

It's for a Frisbee purse.

I don't care how brilliant the idea is...

We can't make a deal with Cuban.

Why not?

Because Nick asked me not to.

What has Nick got to do with any of this?

Cuban did something really bad to him.

What did he do?

Uh, that I don't know.

Well, in that case,

I totally understand why you blew our deal.

Frankie, Nick asked me to do this one thing for him,

and he's my husband.

And I'm your partner. Why didn't you tell me?

Well, because I thought we'd sell to somebody else

and never have to have this conversation.

The other day, you asked me to trust you, and I did because it was you.

But you were lying.

Frankie, I did something I had to do for my marriage.

At the expense of us.

I'm sorry.

You just threw away everything we worked for.

Frankie.

You betrayed me.

But you know who I feel worse for?

You.

Because you betrayed yourself.

And now...

I'm out.

♪ Hits you when you least expect ♪

♪ You wake up, your life's a wreck ♪

♪ No one told you, "Hit the deck" ♪

♪ Incoming ♪

♪ No one told you, "Hit the deck" ♪

♪ It starts falling from the sky ♪

♪ Eighty tons and eight miles wide ♪

♪ Does no good to go inside ♪

♪ It keeps coming ♪

♪ It does no good to go inside ♪

♪ But you are still a friend of mine ♪

♪ Even if we have not spoken ♪

♪ I have looked into your eyes ♪

♪ Through the laughter and the smoke ♪

♪ I will curse the skies for you ♪

♪ If it's all that I can do ♪

♪ Maybe somehow I'll be there ♪

Okay, good night!