Original subtitles

♪ Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight ♪

♪ Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right ♪

♪ I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair ♪

♪ And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs ♪

♪ And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right ♪

♪ Here I am Stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

Did you shrink?

No!

Suck on that, gravity.

Congratulations. I, too, am fighting gravity and winning.

That's true, your boobs do look great.

I'm talking about the pulley system.

So, my idea worked.

Like a charm.

Oh.

I just tie a few bath towels together to make a rope,

swing it over a bronze sculpture that I drag in from the living room,

hoist my way up to a standing position.

Couldn't be easier.

It could if you'd just tell Nick you got stuck on the toilet.

Oh, no. God!

That image would be stuck forever in his brain.

Speaking of Nick, um...

I kind of have a... a big favor to ask you.

How big?

I just fireman-carried you off a commode.

I was hoping you'd go to a charity benefit with us this weekend.

What are we talking? Full dinner? Passed apps? Make your own sundae?

- I don't have that information. - I'm out.

Oh, please.

It's our first event as a couple.

All Nick's friends are gonna be there... judging me.

So? Judge them right back.

You sure gave me the stink eye

when Sol and I went to that Bar Association benefit.

It was black tie, and you looked like a cartoon fortune-teller.

Everyone loved my outfit.

And my palm readings.

Look, it's been a long time since I had to dazzle on the arm of a husband.

And... let's just say, recent events have left me feeling less than dazzling.

I need my emotional support witch.

All right. But I will be telling fortunes.

Go for it. Anything to draw attention away from me.

Hmm. It is short notice,

but I could probably call in a few favors and borrow a crow.

I don't think you need any props.

This is distraction enough.

Way to kill a sister's crow buzz.

All I'm saying is it wasn't that bad.

You like Dr. Rogers.

Everyone in the office kept saying

how cute we were...

...doing back-to-back physicals.

And you know something? We are cute.

So, what do you say, back-to-back colonoscopies next?

Robert?

Robert?

How did you make a banana split so fast?

I made it before we left.

And why?

It's my understanding death row inmates are given a last meal of their choice.

Aren't we catastrophizing a bit?

I don't know. It's never a good sign

when the nurse taking your blood pressure says, "Uh-oh!"

We haven't even gotten the results back yet.

I've already got "uh-oh."

So either I'm dying, or I'm gonna die

because I have to give up everything that I love.

Any way you put it, dead man walking.

So your great plan is to stress eat till the doctor calls?

The chickens have come home to roost. May as well fry them.

No. No frying.

I'm gonna find something to take your mind off this.

How about a family game night? That's always fun.

We're out of fudge.

Is everybody staring? I... I feel like people are staring.

Only because you look amazing, which makes them jealous.

Which is, of course, why I go to charity events.

And the children. They're people, damn it. They should be allowed to work.

And Frankie, you've outdone yourself.

Well, thanks.

I was going for a Thunderdome meets Floyd Pepper from The Muppets vibe.

It's totally working for you.

Not that any of these Gatsbys would look past their monocles to notice.

Why don't you do a lap, you know, maybe check out the silent auction?

Ugh, snore.

Actually, I hear they're auctioning off Jerry Garcia's shoes.

- Are you sure you don't mind? - Do your thing.

At last, something to put on my plaster casts of Jerry Garcia's feet.

Boy, she's quick.

Yeah, you should see her when there's a face-painting booth.

There's Sam Miller.

Who's that?

He's the guy who gave me my first business loan.

Then when I lost the money, he still gave me a job.

- He's a great guy. - Oh.

Well, I'd like to meet him.

Hey, Sam!

Nick Skolka!

Long time. How the hell are you?

- I got married! - Oh, really? To who?

- Me. - Oh.

Hey, it was a surprise to us, too.

Speaking of remarriages, where's your lovely wife this evening?

- Right over there. - Oh.

No, it can't be.

My white whale? My destiny?

Hello, I'm Don. I'm one of the volunteers.

And I believe those are...

The sneakers Jerry Garcia wore

during all nine sold-out shows

at Madison Square Garden in 1991.

Don, the bid sheet, if you please.

There's already a bid?

One of these fat cats is trying to steal my shoes?

This is for charity. You know, trying to get more computers in our schools.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, charity, schools. Who's bidder number 210?

I don't know. It's a silent auction.

Well, can you make out that squiggle?

Yeah. Uh, looks like a little peace sign in quotes.

Oh, I get it.

'Cause the '60s. Funny.

Is it? Or is an ironic peace sign

an affront to everything a real Deadhead stands for?

Okay, 210. Here's my bid and a little doodle for you.

One middle finger. Hold the quotes.

I told you this would be fun.

Bob Fosse.

Died of a heart attack.

Dad, you're not supposed to say the name of the celebrity.

Sorry, dear.

Blankety-blank.

Died of a ham sandwich.

- Oh, I hate Celebrity. - That's because you're bad at it.

I can't help it if my dad knows everyone old

and Brianna gets crazy eyes when we play.

You think it's any easier being on Bud's team?

I see you're counting down the minutes till the Hansons win again.

Not this time. Allison makes me watch Bravo.

I know the names of all the Real Housewives.

But do you know the name of every single guest

at Prince Harry and Meghan's wedding? 'Cause I do.

All the lesser royals.

You're still gonna lose.

You're still gonna be Bud.

I saw a dolphin on the beach today.

- Did you? - Really? Today?

Yes. I definitely saw a dolphin.

When did you see a dolphin? We've been together all day.

You don't know what my eyes see.

Wait, I feel like you were talking about dolphins last time we played.

Interesting.

What? There's no code.

- Jesus, Coyote. - So there is a code.

Well, either Coyote and Bud are the worst Manchurian Candidates

the world has ever seen, or you three are cheating.

We are not cheating.

We're kind of cheating.

How could you, Sol? In my final hours.

What we're doing is not a bad thing.

What kind of "thing" is it?

We say "dolphins on the beach" when we decide to let you guys win.

Wow.

For the record, I never want you to win. I just... I get outvoted.

This cannot be true.

- Seriously? - When did you ever let us win?

Uh, let's see... When Brianna got fired from Dippin' Dots.

I wasn't fired. I was asked not to return from vacation.

That one time that Mallory froze up

like a deer in the headlights for the whole round.

Thanks, Coyote. Now my back is sweating.

So why are you letting us win tonight?

Um, it's nothing.

I'm just waiting for some test results.

Oh, God, is everything okay?

What kind of tests?

Everything's fine. It was just a checkup.

But you know how your dad worries.

I thought a game night might take his mind off it.

A distraction is one thing, a pity victory is another.

Is it that big of a deal? We were just being nice.

The Bergsteins believe in charity.

Is that why you got the law firm?

- How'd you get Say Grace, again? - Enough. No more fighting.

And no more of this cheating-to-lose nonsense.

The Hansons are gonna win

fair and square.

I-I wouldn't mind a charity win.

Good Lord, Mallory, get your head in the game!

Evening, ladies.

This is my wife, Chelsea.

- Chelsea, you remember Nick Skolka. - Hi.

And this is Grace. She and Nick just got married.

Oh. Nick, you got to meet my new CFO.

He's a genius of tax evasion.

Ooh. Maybe I'll steal him from you.

- You'll be okay, right? - I can take care of myself.

Hi, I'm Chelsea.

I thought you were Chelsea.

- We both are. - Oh.

Hey, I'm Skye.

Hey, I'm Kayla.

Hey.

So you're Nick's new wife?

That's me.

- I'm the new wife, too. - Me too.

Oh.

What... What do you all do?

What do you mean?

- Well, for work. - Oh.

You mean like our charity work?

Well, sure. Or, you know, "work" work.

Well, I am thinking about maybe starting my own business.

Well, that's exciting.

- Yeah. - I actually started two businesses.

- Oh. - What are you thinking of doing?

I want to make candy. For dogs.

- Oh. Is there a market for that? - I think so.

People like candy, and dogs like what people like, so...

- It's so important to have your own thing. - Mm-hmm.

- Right? - Yeah.

Wow, two whole businesses.

I want to be you when I grow up.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

All my grandma does is play bridge.

Oh.

Could I get you ladies together for a group shot?

Ooh. Fun.

Oh, no, no, Grace, don't get up. We'll come to you.

Smile, girls.

He was the captain of the Slytherin team.

He's zipping around with the scarf.

Come on! Terrible teeth.

- I... - Time's up!

- I begged you to read Harry Potter. - Well, it was scary.

That round was pitiful. Suspiciously pitiful.

I agree. How do we know you're not still letting us win?

We're not. These two are dead weight.

Excuse me for temporarily blanking on Boutros Boutros-Ghali.

All right. Fine, that was a hard one.

But how do you explain what happened with "first man on the moon"?

Buzz Lightyear and Stretch Armstrong are totally legitimate guesses.

I think we need an embarrassing punishment for the losers,

- just to keep everyone honest. - Great idea.

How embarrassing?

Something like... the losers have to do stand-up at an open-mic night.

Bring it. I have a tight five on Faith's teething that Allison says would kill.

How about the losers have to stay away from the family?

No brunches, no game nights...

Sol, you're being awfully quiet.

Because this idea is punitive and shows a deep lack of trust.

Says the Goody Two-shoes cheater.

All right, Robert, if it will make you happy,

how about the losers have to dress up like mimes

and perform in front of Starbucks.

Is that awful enough for you?

It's humiliating.

I dig it.

I'm not afraid. Allison says I'm an amazing mime.

I could use the tip money.

Wait, I'm not in. You all know I have performance anxiety.

- Then you'll have extra motivation to win. - What's wrong, Mal? Are the...

Oh, ah, ah, ah.

...walls closing in?

That's impressive. Now all you need is a ventriloquist dummy,

and your virginity will grow back.

- Aha! - Oh.

If it isn't bidder number 210.

She's been down there for a while, napping against my leg.

Hi. You must be bidder number 47.

Loved your doodle.

You weren't supposed to love it. That was a warning shot.

Next doodle, I'm going nuclear.

Uh, I'm just here for the sneakers. And to support a good cause.

He gets it.

Why do you even want them? You're clearly not a real Deadhead.

Why not? Because I can carry off a great suit?

You really can.

If you're a Deadhead, prove it.

My first show was in 1971.

Fillmore East?

No. The Capitol Theatre.

That was my first tour, too. Changed my life.

Okay, but how many shows did you see at the Garden in '91

when Jerry wore the sneakers?

All nine. How many did you see?

- Seven. - Oh.

But only because I got too high and fell asleep on a bus.

Twice.

Well, it's been a pleasure, 47.

And when you lose the auction, just remember what Jerry said:

"If you plant ice, you're gonna harvest wind."

You're the one who's gonna harvest wind, my friend.

'Cause I can keep bidding all night!

So can I.

Wow, what a generous bid.

Oh, don't fall for the bad boys, Don.

And hand me that sheet.

Okay, he showed Janet Jackson's boob at the Super Bowl.

- Wha... - He wrote "Cry Me a River" about Britney.

I don't know! I can't think!

Is he a K-pop?

No. Dad, stop saying K-pop.

Mallory, in fifth grade, you said you wanted to marry him.

- Kenny? - Oh, my God!

Kenny?

I need another vodka... martini.

Frankie.

Shh.

My Spidey-senses are tingling. He's about to bid again.

Who's "he"?

Great suit. Bidding war. Keep up.

Meanwhile, Nick and Sam are off making some deal,

and I get stuck with the Mean Girls.

Oh, Grace, I'm sorry, I should have been there.

You're not great with young people. And teenagers can be so cruel.

They're not literally mean girls.

They're young, vapid trophy wives.

One of them wants to make candy for dogs.

Have you ever heard of anything so stupid?

Uh, I'm sorry. I... I didn't mean it.

Yes, you did.

You just didn't mean for me to hear it.

Told you. As a younger person myself,

even I have felt uncomfortable being around you.

Chelsea still looks really upset,

but the brunette is giving her cake.

Sam just told me you insulted his wife.

- What the hell did you say? - Mmm.

I think it's time for another bid.

- Good luck. - You, too.

Well?

She heard me say she was a trophy wife and that her idea is stupid.

Which, in my defense, it is.

Well, it's traditional to wait till the car ride home to trash people.

I'm not excusing what I did,

but she insulted me, too.

What did she say?

She wants to be me when she grows up.

And?

And they don't think I'm spry enough to squat for a picture.

Who squats for a picture?

- Young women! - Oh...

Is this age thing always gonna be an issue for you?

Clearly, it's an issue for you, too.

I saw you when Sam's mouth was hanging open like an oven door

after he heard you married me.

What was I supposed to say?

You're supposed to say, "Shut your oven door mouth.

I'm lucky to have this woman!"

You're right.

It was awkward. I felt for the guy.

I didn't know how to handle it. I...

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

But you were still mean to his wife.

Technically, I was mean near his wife.

Look, I'm sorry they made you feel bad.

But... you're the grown-up here.

Regrettably.

So don't you think you should be the one to...

to fix this?

Oh...

Dame Judi Dench!

Yes! Yes!

- Okay! - Good job.

- How many? - Ah...

Thirteen. Way to catch up, Bergsteins.

We can still win this thing.

I don't know. They only need three to win, and it's Brianna's turn.

Actually, it's mine.

And it's the hard round with the two-word clues.

Oh, sweet, merciful saints.

Okay. Just relax.

Why are you brushing me like that?

It's what I do with Spit when there are fireworks.

- I like it. - I know you do, girl.

- It's nice. I like it. - Um, are you ready?

That's a good girl.

- That's a good girl. - Okay.

And go!

Uh... runs Russia.

- Vladimir Putin. - Good.

- Greatest woman. - Oprah!

Oh, my God, I'm killing it!

Let's not get cocky.

Uh...

- Shh! - God.

Okay, okay, okay. Mallory. Come back to us.

Follow the sound of my voice.

Say something, sweetheart. Anything.

Got to start talking, Mallory.

Not no.

Not no? Yes?

Yasser Arafat?

Shh!

Not no!

Maybe? Baby? Baby Jane?

Uh, B-Bette Davis?

- Not no! - I bet you guys wish those dolphins

- were on the beach right now. - Shh.

- Not no. - No Country For Old Men. No...

"Yesterday"?

Paul McCartney?

I believe the answer is Sir Paul McCartney.

- That's right! - Holy fuck, we won!

Yes!

- Yes! - Dad!

Sol, tell me, please, that you did not throw this game.

I swear, I was just trying to figure it out. Ugh.

Why couldn't I keep my mouth shut?

You will soon.

No, but you know what? The game did take my mind off the doctor.

So thank you for that.

We are the best!

You're welcome.

Of course, now that it's over, and I have time to think...

- ♪ You're all dumber than us ♪ - We beat you.

I'm gonna go gnaw on a stick of butter.

Don?

Hello?

I have to make a bid.

Too late. Auction's over.

I guess you won.

If... If it's any consolation,

I wound up donating a crazy amount of money to thwart you.

That does make me feel better.

I think Jerry would be happy the money went to a good cause

and the sneakers went to a real Deadhead.

Oh.

Actually, I've been thinking, how about in the spirit of Jerry, we split them?

Really?

Oh, it still smells like weed.

I will treasure it.

Well, see you around, 47.

See you around, 210.

Maybe one of these days, our sneakers can get together for a date?

Call me.

Hey.

Hey.

Uh, Chelsea, I...

I owe you an apology.

I owe you all one. I...

I shouldn't have dismissed you like that.

I know what it feels like.

Someone called you young and vapid?

Well, not in quite some time, but...

Oh, come on, you all have to admit that you were a little judgy

when you found out I was Nick's new wife.

Well, I guess I was a little surprised to see you were in your sixties.

Thank you for being honest.

Why is everyone so hung up on age?

Either you're too young or you're too old.

Especially if you're a woman.

But like Jerry said, "We live no particular way but our own."

What's the lady with the sneaker?

This is my friend, Frankie.

Soulmate-slash-guru.

- And business partner. - Yes.

We actually started a business to help older women feel empowered.

- I want to feel empowered. - Me, too.

That's why I want to start a business.

So I can be more than just Sam Miller's wife.

You know, I kind of started Say Grace for the same reason.

So I wasn't just Robert Hanson's wife.

If you really want to make dog candy, I'd like to help you.

We both will.

That would be awesome!

Okay, well, if you... if you have a dog, I could send you samples.

Oh, great. Just so you know, Champ has a real healthy appetite,

so feel free to send more candy than you think a dog could possibly eat.

- How you doing? - Good.

We're good.

Hey, what's everyone doing after this?

I'm down for whatever.

As if.

Let's go dancing.

Oh, always with the dancing.

Why don't we go home and watch a war movie?

How are you two with trespassing?

I know this was a lot for you. I'm happy to go home if you're tired.

No, I want to go out.

I've got a handsome, young trophy husband to show off.

I've never been arm candy before.

Boy, I bet I'll be great at it.

- Is that you? - Yeah.

Shotgun!

- Want me to help? - Uh, no, no.

I'm just trying to figure out the best angle of attack.

God, maybe if I penguin slide in on my... on my stomach.

I got you.

- One, two, three. - Oh!

Yes!

Cool ride, Sam.

Sol, hurry up. They're waiting at Starbucks.

Aw, don't pout. You look adorable.

But there is one thing missing.

Really? You don't think the makeup and the jazz pants sell it?

Ah, use your hands, not your words.

Hello?

Speaking.

Oh, hello, Dr. Rogers. Thank you for calling.

You did? And?

It's good news.

Oh, thank you, Doctor.

Sure, he's right here.

Yes, hi, I'm here.

All right.

Thank you.

They found something in my blood work.

I have to go back in.

♪ Right outside the lazy summer home ♪

♪ You ain't got time To call your soul a critic, no ♪

♪ Right outside the lazy gate ♪

♪ Of winter's summer home ♪

♪ Wondering where the nut-thatch winters ♪

♪ Wings a mile long ♪

♪ Just carried the bird away ♪

Okay, good night.