Original subtitles

[gunshots]

AARON ALBEIT A SEX HERO

[women squealing]

[alarm beeping]

[women squealing]

[gunshot]

[car backfires]

[chatter and laughter]

Like a virgin?

Touched for the very first time.

[laughs]

Well, I always thought Jesus was black.

[laughter]

MAN: One more time.

I was just about to call you.

Traffic.

Uh, did you write that letter of recommendation for me?

You're making a big mistake.

I don't want to leave.

It's just, uh, time for something different.

Tell you what... you make these passengers happy,

I'll make you a glowing recommendation

when you get back.

I always make them happy.

Don't let me down, now.

Have I ever?

[car beeping]

One more time.

Grandma?

Didn't I tell you he was just adorable?

You are going on this trip?

You know, when he was just yea high

he used to take his dog all around the neighborhood,

giving them tours.

Oh! [laughs]

Your mother told me this was your last tour.

And I just couldn't miss it for the world.

[stutter] I can't...

It's this or I stay home and watch the Weather Channel.

Now, you just go ahead and do what you're doing.

I will sit right here and be quiet as a mouse.

You don't want to do this.

Of course I do!

The girls and I are already becoming best friends.

Is it hot in here?

Yeah.

Yes.

It is.

Good morning, starlets, celebrities,

and Hollywood legends.

On behalf of your professional driver,

who will introduce himself later, and myself, Aaron

"I've Seen it All" Morgan...

"I've Seen it All" Morgan... Isn't that precious?

You would never know he was raised in the church.

Oh.

Welcome aboard Texas Tinseltown Tours!

[cheering]

As your host, Aaron, I will personally guide you

into a fantasy voyage exploring the exciting world

of show business.

I am so excited.

Yes, this evening you will find a hidden jewel of Texas

deep in Big Bend County, land of outlaws and desperados,

as I guide you passed rattlesnakes

and killer tarantulas onto the sights

of several movie pictures.

When he was in school, he was Curly in the play.

Aw.

He was so good, just like he was on Broadway.

AARON: Grammy.

Now, just go ahead and do what you're doing.

As your fearless leader, I will take you

to relive some of the famous shootouts in movies

such as "Rio Diablo"...

WOMAN: Oh, I saw that.

And who can forget that famous movie

with the dirty deeds of Willie "Pass Me Another Joint" Nelson.

Willie is my hero.

I just love his songs.

I saw him walking down the street one time.

I was just coming out of the store,

and I was looking to see if it was safe to cross the street,

and there he was... pigtails, bandana, everything.

[cooing]

If I had walked out of that store 10 seconds earlier,

I would've bumped right into him.

Aw!

Grammy.

You know, old people talk so much because we have lived.

And to top it off tonight, we'll be staying

at the Contrabando Guest Ranch, sleeping on the bed sheets

of the stars. [tongue click]

I hope they've washed them since then.

Mhm.

We can go now.

[salsa music playing]

WOMEN: (CHANTING) Barbarossa, Barbarossa,

Barbarossa, Barbarossa!

[cheering]

AARON: Did you just hire on?

DRIVER: Yeah.

AARON: So why did you take this job?

DRIVER: The money.

AARON: I hear you.

You think you're gonna stay with it?

DRIVER: Whatever.

AARON: Well, this is my last rodeo.

DRIVER: [scoff] Yeah, your... your granny

told us all about it.

AARON: Remember, ladies, we have a schedule to keep.

I like to take my time.

Well, don't take too long, 'cause I've got to go.

You're doing a great job, honey.

DRIVER: Nice perfume.

Oh, do you like it?

It's called Summer Rain.

It smells like you got soaked.

Uh, did you realize that that mountain range over there

in the distance, it's the same mountain

range used in John Ford's classic Western,

"How the West was Won"?

WOMAN: They shot that in Utah.

No, it was an establishing shot early in the movie.

Look at that mountain range over there.

Hey, that was real smooth.

This van stinks.

Yeah, well, get used to it.

You know, smoking will kill you.

Well, I like to live on the edge.

[highway noise]

You been to the bars downtown yet?

No.

My name is Aaron.

DRIVER: Yeah, I heard.

And your name is?

Jesse.

AARON: Jesse.

Funny, you don't look like a Jesse.

It's Jesus.

Shouldn't your nickname be "Hese"?

Fuck you.

Trying.

Is it hot, or is it just me?

I'll turn up the air conditioner.

It's going full blast.

Why don't you tell them to take off

some of those stupid costumes.

It's the way this tour works.

They dress like movie stars and we treat them like movie stars.

You're gonna love it.

[salsa music playing]

That's strange.

Why the stop?

AGENT: New driver?

Yeah.

Uh, Jimmy got drunk last week in Mexico and disappeared.

So what's up?

Trouble on the border... Just warning folks.

[sniffs] You smell purty.

Yeah, and I think I laughed when

you said that last November.

Oh, hello.

Hello, Officer.

Officer!

Hello, ladies.

WOMAN: Can we get some [inaudible]? [laughs]

Now, you'll all be perfectly safe at the guest ranch

tonight.

But just be sure, I want you to keep your doors locked

and don't let anybody in... unless, of course,

I come by to check on you.

That would be nice.

What about you?

I'm Aaron's grandmother.

She's with me.

Oh, really?

Uh, hey, nice to meet you, ma'am.

You didn't tell me Grandma was riding today.

Yeah, yeah.

Maybe coming by the ranch house later tonight,

unless Grandma's gonna be watching.

You know, why don't you bang on some cabin doors

and see what it get you?

Oh, I'll be banging all right.

It won't be on doors.

Whatever will your wife say?

Hey, I'm only married when I'm home.

Let's go.

[engine starting]

[salsa music playing]

Hello, ladies!

Welcome to the guest ranch of the stars,

our little oasis in the desert.

How quaint.

GRAMMY: Thank you so much.

Oh, y'all are dress up cute. [laughs]

Just smell this clean air.

[sniff] [sigh]

I am just burning up.

They better have air conditioning in this place.

Thank you, Aaron.

Oh, you're welcome.

Fasten your seat belts, fellows.

It's gonna be a bumpy night.

Well, I'll see you at breakfast.

You know, you have such fun on this tour.

Are you sure that you want to go to work for that cruise line?

It's a better job.

But you'll go to so many dangerous places.

I hear stories all the time about pirates.

[laughs] Grammy.

There's no pirates in Hawaii.

I worry about you.

Your life hasn't been so easy.

There will be an investigation.

That's true.

If anything should happen to you,

it would just break my heart.

I can take care of myself.

I know you can.

Get some rest, and I'll see you in the morning.

All right.

Mwah.

Love you.

GRAMMY: Love you.

Aw, so sweet.

I didn't know she was coming.

Relax.

I got a grandma, too.

Hey, uh, listen.

Maybe we got off on the wrong foot.

Maybe after dinner, I could take you to the local watering hole.

I don't think that's a very good idea.

Come on.

I'll buy you a beer.

No.

In fact, I think you better stay in your room tonight.

No, my boss is cool with it.

I'm, like, his favorite tour guide.

I didn't think he liked gay guys.

Hey, look, asshole, I don't need this shit from you.

Chill out.

Jesus.

Oh, I thought it was "Haysus."

Who's being the asshole here?

You know, forget I even invited you.

Why would I want to have a drink with someone like you?

Just stay in your room.

If you're worried about it, I'm not

gonna be knocking on your door.

[crinkling]

Four hours, 3:45.

Hi, this is Aaron Morgan calling for Debbie.

Thank you.

Debbie, hi.

It's Aaron Morgan calling again.

Yeah.

Listen, my boss is gonna send that letter of recommendation.

And yeah, things are going great.

Uh-huh, yeah.

I've... I've quit smoking.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Well, I... I talked to him this morning.

He's gonna send it.

[sigh] I mean, look.

Can you make a little exception for... just this once?

No, I'm not asking special favors, but... I know,

but he's been really busy.

OK.

But you know, I could be there whenever you needed me.

Like, hell, I could do there Monday, you know.

All right.

Uh-huh.

Thank you.

Yeah, have a good night.

[phone snaps shut]

Could you do just a special favor for me?

WOMAN: There will be an investigation.

MAN: You're making a big mistake.

If you resign, we could forget the whole matter.

They know you were a fag?

[tense music playing]

[thud]

[thud]

[knocking]

What's up?

Hey.

What's the matter?

I don't want to do this.

What do you mean?

I need a beer.

I'll get you a 12-pack.

No, let's go to the bar.

Uh-uh, I can't.

My sister-in-law's out tonight.

If she sees me, I'll be in deep shit.

You should tell your wife.

She knows.

She knows she doesn't need to know.

Hey, take a shower before I get back.

You smell like an old lady.

Yeah, well, the old ladies might hear you.

Pssh.

They couldn't hear gunfire if it was outside their door.

You know what?

I might not be awake when you get back.

You'll wake up for this.

[shower running]

Heh.

Closet case.

Will you tutor me after school?

We could forget the whole matter.

[tense music playing]

You're it, kid.

Can you beat that?

MAN: (STERNLY) Take care of it.

Why does this guy get half my cut, Tom?

Don't call me that.

He killed him.

You were supposed to be on the lookout.

And what were you doing?

Just a little "Risky Business."

Don't push me.

Hey.

What's going on here?

[fighting sounds]

Stop.

God damn you!

Get the fuck off of me!

I didn't do anything.

[grunting]

Idiot.

Ow!

You're distracting me.

I told you to stay in your room.

[phone ringing]

Yeah.

We got a problem, boss.

Yeah.

Your tour guide saw everything.

Take care of it.

Take care of it.

Did he say that?

Take care of it!

I got it.

JESSE: Not here.

You're gonna wake everyone up.

[grunt]

JESSE: I'll do it.

Just have this shit done by the time I get back.

[cough] Ah.

[groan]

[groan]

[panting]

JESSE: What'd you see back there?

I didn't see anything.

JESSE: What did you see?

I didn't see anything!

You're gonna have to get lost, disappear, you hear me?

You call the cops, you're dead, all right?

Please don't kill me.

I can't harm you.

I'm just a tour guide.

Please don't kill me.

[leaves rustling]

[panting]

[phone ringing]

WOMAN (ON PHONE): [inaudible].

These guys, they tried to kill me.

It's done.

[soft conversation]

What did the park ranger want?

Nothing.

Bullshit.

He was looking for the kid.

[sigh] I think he wanted sex or something.

I told him he was out drinking with the Border Patrol guy.

You took care of him?

Yeah, what'd I tell you?

Look, you're gonna need to get out of here.

Where did you dump the body?

Across the river.

Chill.

I'm going to bed.

It's cool, all right?

[phone ringing]

Yeah.

We took care of it.

But there's something else.

Yeah?

I'll call you back.

23% of all accidents last year were due to cell phone use.

There was a study conducted on the use of handheld phones

to see if they were any safer, but the results

are inconclusive.

Most analysts believe that the actual act of talking

on that cell phone is more distracting to the driver

than conversations in the car.

[thud]

[scream]

[tires squealing]

Did you hit it?

I think you hit it.

It's just a deer.

Texas deer accounted for 18% of the accidents.

Though not fatal, the most dangerous

collision you could have with an animal is the boar hog.

And that's because when the vehicle hits it,

it flips over it, and it will kill the people in the vehicle.

It's not surprising that Aaron was intoxicated on the job.

In a recent survey conducted by the Mannon Corporation,

alcoholism contributes to 38% of job absenteeism.

That is very prevalent in industries that

have unusual hours and the shift work

and all the things that contribute to the,

you know... just mess up your circadian rhythm.

I need some coffee.

(WHISPERING) God, I'm gonna kill this woman

if she doesn't shut up.

Jesus Christ.

[phone ringing]

Yeah, we may have a problem.

Take care of it.

[phone ringing]

Yeah.

Yeah, we took care of it.

[gun clicking]

Look, either you take care of it, or I will.

He hung up.

Well, what did he say?

He said we better take of it, or he will.

Shit.

MAN: Did... did he say that?

MAN: Ah, fuck.

Where's that van driver?

In his room.

I've been watching him.

Get him to show you the body.

[music playing]

Yeah, I called about the guys hijacking my van.

No, I haven't been drinking.

You... no, this isn't a prank!

You have to listen to me.

Hello?

We could forget...

The only way you are going to pass...

Special favor for me?

There will be an investigation.

MAN: You're making a big mistake, son.

What are you doing after school?

What is going on in your classroom, Mr. Morgan?

How old are you?

I just called about the guys hijacking my van.

This is not a prank!

God dammit!

[owl hooting]

[clinking]

[knocking]

Open up!

This is bullshit.

[twigs snapping]

Aaron.

Aaron.

Aaron.

Aaron!

Where are you?

[twigs snapping]

Aaron.

Aaron!

Aaron.

[gunshot]

Fuck.

I told you not to call the cops.

Ow.

I told you not to call the cops.

I did, so fuck you!

You're not gonna get away with whatever you're doing.

Hold it right there!

Drop that weapon now!

Hey, Martin, you're Tom Cruise.

[laughs]

AGENT: Wow, I'm, uh... Look at you, man.

[laughs] Yeah.

Man, my wife's crazy about you.

Oh, really?

Although, man, I really don't know what

she sees in someone so short.

Man, what are you guys doing?

You filming around here?

I, uh...

Man, I hadn't heard nothing.

I, uh... I can't really... [awkward laugh] I

can't really say.

Oh, I get it.

Yeah, yeah.

Top secret, man.

Hey, I won't say a thing.

Oh, thanks.

[grunting]

Don't let anyone near the van.

JESSE: This is a sting, you asshole.

What, so you're a narc?

JESSE: Oh, that's good police work, Luke.

Fuck, yes I'm a narc.

So I did you a favor.

I called the cops.

You probably blew my cover.

Those assholes back there and worthless to me.

I need to catch the boss with his hands on the shit for this

to work.

The bus wasn't even supposed to go down 'til

the van got back to Austin.

Yeah, well, you should have told me.

How was I supposed to know?

You didn't need to know.

Uh, maybe I did.

You would have blown my cover.

So you didn't tell me, but I blow your cover anyways.

Oh, that's brilliant.

I want to work where you work.

Didn't somebody once say the Central Intelligence

Agency is an oxymoron?

JESSE: George Carlin said that.

And that was the CIA.

I'm the DEA.

We're the good guys.

Come on.

No.

No, the good guys don't kick me in the stomach.

I had to do that.

You would've blown my cover.

Where the fuck are you going?

To the ranch.

You can't go back there.

Stop me, narc.

You're dead.

Still walking.

You go back there, they'll kill you on the spot.

Look, I'm not staying here, OK?

I'm going back to the ranch, where

I'll get my grandmother and her friends,

and we're getting out of here.

I can't let you do that.

What?

Come on.

Shoot the homo.

I'll send an agent in the morning.

Right.

I believe you.

JESSE: Would you at least stay off the road?

Am I on the road?

No.

[snake rattling]

Hey, freeze.

Don't... don't move.

Whoa, whoa.

It's three feet in front of you.

Get back.

What are you doing?

Get back.

Whoa!

Oh!

Ow!

Fuck.

Ah.

JESSE: Where's it at?

It's not a snake bite.

It's probably just a scorpion.

Keep the lights turned off.

Will you tutor me after school?

What was going on in your classroom, Mr. Morgan?

After school?

MAN: You're making a big mistake, son.

JESSE: I told you to stay off the road.

Not listening.

You are not gonna fuck this op up for me.

Fuck you.

That's what it is, isn't it?

You want to, don't you?

Yeah.

Yeah, I did.

I thought you were hot.

How do you like that, motherfucker, huh?

The fag wanted to fuck the van driver.

Woohoo, first time in history a fag

thought a straight guy would be a good fuck.

Who are you calling the motherfucker?

You.

You think you can kill me 'cause I'm a fag

and it wouldn't matter.

Man, this whole "I'm gay, therefore

"I'm a victim" act of yours, it's the biggest turn-off for me.

I don't understand.

JESSE: Are you fucking serious?

You did that to shut me up.

No hope for that.

[speaking Spanish] Arriba.

Hey.

[gunshot]

[ominous music playing]

[rock clattering]

Ah, shit!

Oh, gah.

Ah!

Oh.

Oh, my god.

Oh.

[gunshots]

[grunt] [gasp]

[gasp]

[gun clicking]

You know how to use this thing?

Point and shoot.

Fuck, we are dead.

Not without taking them down with me.

Not at me, all right?

Hotwire this thing and get us out of here.

We hotwire it, the steering's gonna lock up,

and we drive off a cliff.

Look, I can tell you the guy with the gun

"is 5 foot 7" and a lousy shot.

The best place to find a drug smuggler

is on the Mexican border.

And I can run flat out for two minutes

before dropping from a heart attack.

What kind of man knows those things, huh?

Fuck.

You've seen way too many Matt Damon movies.

Well, he is cute.

But... but why were they using my van to smuggle drugs?

The perfume on those broads throws the dogs off.

It's the only way to get past the border.

And how do you know this?

Your boss smuggles more drugs than they

can make in South America?

My boss is in on this?

Yeah, your boss.

My boss?

Your boss, your tour van.

They use these bozos to help them.

[gasping]

[gunshots]

[gunfire]

I think I hit him.

What... what if I killed him?

You didn't kill him.

I... I... I never killed anything in my life before.

I mean, when... when my dad put my dog down, I cried for, like,

three weeks.

Do you think I killed him?

You didn't even hit him.

I got him.

Oh.

Oh, you think I couldn't have gotten him?

No.

No, I'm... I'm sure I hit him.

Fine. You hit him.

You got him. You killed him.

He's dead.

Do... do you really think he's dead?

I mean, what if he is dead?

What if you were dead?

Good point.

[gunshots]

He's dead.

Jesus.

[door slamming]

I'll make sure someone finds him in the morning.

Yeah, well, we should have gotten the keys.

We have to leave this truck here.

We can't just leave him here.

JESSE: What are you gonna do?

Take him to the sheriff?

Hey, I found this dead guy.

I thought I'd just bring him to you.

Oh, and by the way, here's his gun.

I fired it a few times, but I swear not at him.

He's not just some dead guy.

JESSE: That's not gonna make you seem any less guilty.

God.

JESSE: We go back to the ranch in this truck,

the dumbass is gonna know we knocked off

his brute and Julie back there.

Your boss must know you're dead by now, which means he's

sending a replacement tour guide as we speak,

just like he sent a driver.

What's he gonna do if you show up?

In the morning, I'm gonna take the van

back and finish this tour.

And then I'll bust his ass in Austin.

No way.

Grammy is gonna freak out if I'm not on that van.

I'm going back.

I really like your grandson.

Does he know about us?

Well, Betty, we just don't talk about it.

The killing doesn't bother you?

It's better than my last job.

Which was what, prison guard in Iraq?

Internet sex stings.

What?

You tried to catch people having sex?

JESSE: No, like, uh, child molesters.

You know that you're interfering with a federal investigation

here.

You're not stopping me.

I need this job.

I thought you were quitting.

Well, I didn't get the job on the ship.

Well, I hate to break it to you,

but your boss is going away for a really

long time after this shit.

It's time for a new career.

Well, I got bills to pay.

Why don't you go back to teaching?

How'd you know about that?

We investigate everyone.

Great.

Could you do just a special favor for me?

We're keeping a close eye on you.

What are you doing after school?

The only way you are going to pass this course...

What was going on in your classroom, Mr. Morgan?

--is if you study.

If you resign, we could forget the whole matter.

He lied, but they believed him.

What'd your boyfriend think?

We broke up.

Where's your boyfriend?

Well, I don't have one.

AARON: [laugh] Imagine that.

Ooh, look at me, I'm a killer.

Who'd want to live with an undercover narc anyways?

Maybe the same one who'd want to be with a tour guide?

You... you know what?

I bet you cruise city parks pretending to be gay.

And when guys cruised you back, you arrested them?

You know, the problem is, you are gay.

I told you it was an internet sting.

I never worked in any parks.

Airport bathrooms?

The DA wanted busts so he could get reelected.

The saps I brought in weren't child molesters.

They were framed.

I ratted on the DA and lost my job.

And man, I worked my ass off to get this one,

so you're not gonna fuck it up for me.

You are totally wound up in this whole drug bust thing.

God, what a fucking control freak.

You know, I bet having sex with you is like fucking a robot.

(ROBOT VOICE) Do it faster.

No, no not that fast.

Squeeze this nipple.

No, that one.

Try it.

[inaudible]

[laughs]

Oh.

Oh, no.

[gunshots]

[glass breaking]

Are you OK?

You OK?

Jungle red.

I don't get it.

The women.

The what?

The movie.

You must be new to this gay thing.

I told you I don't go to bars.

Well, we do more than just hang out in bars.

I've been watching parades, too.

[sigh]

[birds chirping]

So how'd you sleep, Marilyn?

Not very good without Henry laying next to me snoring.

Come on.

Go to breakfast.

Who are you?

Um, just doing some repairs.

Is the van broken?

I... I fixed it.

I need my other bag.

Yeah, I can't let you on the van.

Why not?

It's not ready yet.

What's wrong with the van?

Uh, nothing.

No, I was just repairing a seat.

What's going on?

He won't let me on the van.

Why won't you let her in the van?

I will let her on the van, but not yet.

The van's broken.

What's wrong with the van?

Nothing is wrong with the van.

Then why can't I get my bag?

Are you supposed to be Marilyn Monroe?

Yes.

You look just like her.

Oh, really?

Oh, brother.

Hey, uh, you know, I do impersonations, too.

(BAD HUMPHREY BOGART VOICE) Of all the gin joints

in all the world, why did you have

to pick this one, sweetheart?

Who's that supposed to be?

Humphrey Bogart.

Could have fooled me.

Can we get on the van now?

No!

It's a surprise.

What's the surprise?

Look, I was trying not to tell anyone,

but there's a surprise for everyone on the van.

But you can't see it until after breakfast.

I feel like I'm in the third grade.

We'll get Aaron to let us on the van.

Where is he?

Probably at breakfast.

Come on, girls.

Let's go.

What are you doing?

He's the last one, right?

Well, I'll circle around the back.

You go get him from the side.

Then what, your boss comes back and finds him dead?

We don't kill him.

We tie him up in my room, get the women, get out of here.

[laugh]

Things really aren't that simple in the real world.

[sirens]

Lower your weapons.

Put them down.

Put down your guns.

Thank god you're here, Officer. These two were about to kill me.

No, he's a... OFFICER: Shut up!

--drug smuggler. OFFICER: Shut up!

Put your hands up on the van.

But he's loaded this van with pounds of...

He said shut up.

OFFICER: Shut up!

Thank god you're here.

Where you going?

I just... I messed up my pants when these two jumped me.

And I just... I got to go to the bathroom.

All right.

Put your hands up there, all right?

Where'd you get that gun?

Hm?

That's standard Border Patrol issue.

Looks like we got the pair that offend that Border Patrol agent,

don't it?

If either of you guys move so much as a muscle,

I'm gonna deal with you personally.

You got it?

[door slams]

I can't... I can't believe this guy.

This is not happening to me.

Why'd you try to tell him about the coke?

Because he's a fucking drug dealer, and I'm a tour guide.

I haven't even gotten a fucking speeding ticket before.

JESSE: Oh, that's hard to believe.

I thought cops didn't like gays.

I'm not going to jail.

- Looks like you are. - Heh.

Bullshit.

JESSE: Where'd you learn to do that?

AARON: I saw it in a movie.

(SARCASTICALLY) Is it in yet?

Trust me, you'll know when it is.

It's bad enough you let that drug runner go.

But if my boss saw you here, you'd blow both our covers.

And he's been working on this sting for six months.

[grunt]

I didn't see anything.

I'm just a Park Ranger.

Just don't sound so pathetic.

You're making a big mistake.

Heh.

I used to believe people when they told me that.

[whimper]

[soft chatter]

Where's Aaron?

Um, who's that?

The tour guide.

Oh, he, uh, got really sick last night and had to go home.

WOMAN: What's wrong with him?

He left last night.

Well, then, who's giving us the tour?

Are you the new tour guide?

Uh, no.

What's wrong with Aaron?

Hepatitis... very contagious.

[gasping]

I'm calling your office right now

to get to the bottom of this.

Wait, uh, I'm gonna be the tour guide.

What?

You said you aren't.

Well, I meant that I'm not new.

I want to know what's happened to Aaron.

(BAD SOUTHERN ACCENT) Well, frankly,

Scarlett, I don't give a damn.

Clark Gable!

Oh, anyone could have guessed that.

[door opening]

Who's that?

[door closing]

I told you to watch the van.

Where are the others?

I don't know, the driver came back with the tour guide.

They pulled a gun on me.

They're in it together.

And then a park ranger showed up.

Jesus!

No, no, but it's OK.

The ranger arrested them.

Why didn't you shoot them?

I... I don't have a gun.

Good morning, ladies.

Isn't it a beautiful day?

I hope all of you had a good night's sleep last night,

'cause we have a big day ahead of us.

And who are you supposed to be?

Esther Williams.

And who are you, June Cleaver?

[laughs]

Polly, Polly Brainard.

I am going to be your tour guide for the remainder of this tour.

But I thought he was the new tour guide.

Where's Aaron?

It's a shame to have a drinking problem at such a young age.

Aaron has a drinking problem?

I hope you don't mind, but I couldn't help

but notice this wonderful bottle of NSN on the van.

And I was wondering, who brought this?

It... I want to congratulate you on your health consciousness.

Who's bottle is this?

Oh, it doesn't matter anyway.

It doesn't matter.

For those of you who have not discovered the wonders of NSN,

this is a natural supplement that we

can add just a little bit to your orange juice

in the mornings and have you feeling wonderful the next day.

Even though this has not been approved by the FDA yet,

you put a little in your orange juice in the morning,

it will take care of those achy joints and achy muscles.

Wouldn't you like to try some?

As you're beginning to use this new product,

ah, it will cause some people have that, you know,

extra fullness, a little bit gas that they have... you know,

that occasional embarrassing toot they have sometimes.

Would any of the rest of you like to try it?

Where'd you get that?

I got this off the van.

Have you had your NSN today?

Give me the bottle.

Here, let me fix you a glass of orange juice.

(WOOZILY) Wahoo, I'm starting to feel something.

This stuff is good!

Now, I don't think you should be feeling it quite that fast.

Give me that bottle.

Give me the bottle, lady.

I'm a star, not a lady.

Give me the bottle!

[gasping]

Oh, no, now.

Now, let me look at this.

Uh, oh, shit, where's my glasses?

I can't see this.

[gasping]

Give me the bottle.

Oh, my god.

Do you know you have a shiny head?

[laughter]

MANAGER: Give me the bottle!

WOMAN: You have a shiny head!

Do you know that my ex-husband has a shiny head?

He's a little short down there.

[giggling]

Woo, I feel good.

Does everybody feel... I feel...

[gunshot]

Oh!

[screaming]

Oh, dios mío!

This is statistically impossible.

[phone ringing]

What?

Is the shipment on its way?

The old biddies found the cocaine.

Tell Big Mama to activate the cruise ship plan.

All right, nobody moves!

[gunshots] [screaming]

What do I have to do to get a letter of recommendation

from you?

[gunshots]

He keeps coming back.

Just like herpes.

[ominous music playing]

[leaves crunching]

[thud]

You're getting kind of good at this.

Maybe you should come work for us.

And bust pot smokers?

I don't think so.

We have a lot of job security.

If you don't get killed.

I thought you said you liked living on the edge.

[door squeaking]

[panting]

[cymbal crash]

Not here.

Ugh.

You smell good.

We can still get him.

He'll be halfway down the road before we

could even catch up to him.

Mm.

[panting] Oh!

[bang]

[inaudible].

I just want to.

JESSE: Use a... use a condom.

AARON: What do you think I'm doing back here?

Just shut up and take it.

[moaning]

[inaudible] yours next.

Promise?

[moaning]

Fucking fag.

Are you gonna shoot?

Probably can't even shoot straight.

He's shooting!

[gunshots]

Ah!

[moan]

[gunshots]

Look, don't call me a fag.

Oh, man.

[panting]

Oh.

That's pretty... that's pretty good shooting.

Yeah.

But I'm not gonna get that letter of recommendation.

I'd write you one.

No, it's pointless.

We really are hiring.

I think you'd make a good narc.

[laughs] The War on Drugs?

No, that's stupid.

We know that.

We could stop it if we wanted.

We'd fund rehabs... the fun's in the interventions.

[boat horn]

[salsa music playing]

AARON: You most remember this room from that famous movie

"Sex Hero."

You all know the movie where the federal agents

are undercover and bust the international drug dealer?

As a special tribute, we have a unique display of firearms used

in the original motion picture.

Who'd like to see that? [laugh] How about you, sir?

Sure.

Uh, how about you in the back?

What the hell?

I don't remember the movie, but let's take a look.

Well, step right this way.

Tour's over folks!

Who is that?

WOMAN: I don't know.

AARON: Federal agents.

MAN: What's going on?

AARON: Drop the bag and put your hands on your head.

[salsa music playing]

He said he would meet us here.

GIRLFRIEND: Well, what does he look like?

Well, he's a big guy, uh, bald, much better

looking than Telly Savalas.

And if we see Aaron, remember to act surprised.

You got it, Big Mama.

[laughs]

[salsa music playing]

"If you pirate this movie we'll send two sexy federal agents after you.

And they know how to shoot."