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[ Horn honks ]

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Do you want to get out of here?

Check!

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[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you!

Thank you so much.

You guys...

Wow.

I hope you guys are ready to have the best night.

This is... We're making history.

This is gonna, I hope, be one of the best nights

of our whole lives, honestly.

I am so proud that he agreed to let me produce

his special and be involved.

He's one of my favorite all-time comedians.

Give it up for Mr. Sam Morril!

[ Cheers and applause ]

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Ahh.

Wow.

Uh, I deserve that. You're right.

This is a weird time to be a comedian.

I don't know if you've been following entertainment,

but it is a bad time to be a predator.

Has anyone been paying attention to that?

We're losing, like, three actors a day.

I feel like I'm gonna see

the new "Avengers" movie next, and you're like,

"Why is everyone being played by Paul Giamatti?"

They're like, "He's the only one left."

It feels like a dark time.

I saw a baby in the coffee shop the other day.

He was wearing a T-shirt that said, "I love life."

I was like, "You'll grow out of it."

It gets shittier.

I like babies, but you know what's better than a baby

by a little, is not having a fucking baby...

by this much.

I get drunk a lot.

I sleep in.

I confidently walk back to overheated cars.

It's a good life.

My sister calls her baby a miracle,

and I play along, but it's a bit much.

Miracle?

We never call adults miracles.

We're doing way cooler shit.

There are no babies that can dunk.

Just have a baby. We're like, "It's a miracle."

Then it grows up, and we're like, "Never mind."

Two people fucked. It's not miraculous.

Winning the lottery, that's a miracle.

You'd never win the Mega Millions jackpot and be like,

"Should we keep it?"

Mm-hmm. Right.

My niece is always crying.

I'm trying to make her laugh, and my sister is like,

"You got to let her cry because she's at that age now that,

if you interrupt, she becomes dependent,"

so that's strange that we do that to babies.

You can't even do that to adults.

If you came to my apartment,

and my girlfriend was hysterically crying,

I can't be like, "It's cool. I'm training her."

"We're gonna nip this in the bud early on

because I don't like her feelings."

She just got a vibrator, my girlfriend, not my baby niece.

She got a vibrator, and I got an Xbox, so it is over.

I'm playing NBA2K.

She's playing with herself, but, either way,

we're both thinking about LeBron.

You women are amazing, though, you know?

You know why?

Because you can fake an orgasm, but you can't fake a good mood.

I mean, that's...

You can tell me I'm the best you've ever had,

but you can't muster up one smile at a family picnic?

I mean, where are those "Oh, my Gods" when I need them?

My ex was cool.

Every time we'd have sex, she'd say, "You made me cum,"

which I, you know, thought was flattering.

I'm not doing that much.

We'd be having sex.

She'd be like, "I'm about to cum," and I'd be like, "Cool."

Then she'd be like, "Stay completely still,"

and I'd be like, "All right."

Then she'd be like, "You just made me cum,"

and I'd be like, "Are you sure?"

I feel like I played dead with an erection.

That's why I ask if I made you cum, made you cum.

I thought I went to the barbershop, and I'm like,

"Can you hold the buzzer completely still?"

"You're the best I've ever had.

Also, you just made me cum, so..."

Here's a barber tip.

Whatever barber you go to,

that is, whatever music they're playing,

that's the haircut you're gonna get.

Armenian hip-hop.

This is a weird area to do my special

because this is, like, I'm seeing, like,

the hipster dads in this area,

you know, like, the skinny-jean- wearing disciplinarian.

I saw a dad, and he was yelling at his son.

He was like, "Simon," and I turned around

because it's a stupid fucking name.

He's like, "Simon, if you keep this up,

you're not gonna get any more smoothie."

That's the punishment now, apparently.

I thought we used to beat the shit out of kids,

but, apparently, Mango Madness is where we're at, so...

And me and my friend just laughed in his face,

and he turned to us.

He goes, "Why don't you two mind your own fucking business?"

I was like, "Or what? We're not gonna get any more smoothie?"

I'll fight you, dude, but, if I win, I'm taking that smoothie,

and I'm gonna drink it in front of Simon.

I feel bad for these kids.

We tell kids they could be whatever they want,

and then we don't give them the odds,

which, you know, if I have a kid, I'm gonna be honest.

If he's like, "Daddy, can I play in the NBA?"

I'm gonna be, like, "Statistically, it's possible,

but let's take a look at this chart."

"I've taken the liberty of factoring in your size and race.

It doesn't look good.

You're a tiny Jew. That's why we named you TJ."

I'm a Jew.

I'm a New York Jew.

I complain a lot.

I'm in therapy.

I'm the type of Jew that, if you don't like Jewish people,

I'm not the one that's gonna turn things around for you.

You're gonna meet me and be like,

"Still a big thumbs down, nah."

I read about anti-Semitism, but I've never experienced

the anti-Semitism I've read about.

I've lived in New York my whole life.

This is the worst anti-Semitic moment I ever had.

I was doing a road gig in Colorado,

and I pulled over to get a seltzer water at a gas station.

I asked this woman.

I was like, "Do you have any seltzer?"

And she goes, "We don't carry seltzer,"

and that's as bad as it's been. But...

Her tone was hurtful, and I've lived here so long that I...

It's just any time I hear anti-Semitism at all,

I'm like, "Us? I thought everyone loved us."

Even when Charlottesville happened, they were like,

"The Jews will not replace us."

I was like, "We're not."

I don't know if you know any Jewish people.

None of us are gunning to be a gas-station attendant, so...

Mm.

You should be worried about robots.

You know, they're the ones taking the shitty jobs.

You'll never hear this --

"I lost my job at the gas station."

"What happened?" "Josh Rabinowitz."

They're taking our jobs.

Racism, it must be a learned behavior, right,

because you never meet, like, a racist baby,

though I would love to,

just a itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny racist.

"What were his first words?"

"We'd rather not say, and, for the record,

they were taken out of context, okay?"

Babies look racist, though, right?

They're skinheads. They're not educated.

They're cranky, and they don't have any teeth, so...

I was watching this documentary on the KKK.

They all support Jesus.

Did you know that? I didn't know that.

A dark-skinned Jew, that's who they went with.

It seems like an odd choice.

It almost feels like someone in the Klan

is just fucking with them. You know?

It's like, "You know who else is cool?

Lenny Kravitz."

"Those are our people."

My friend is a Christian.

He wears the cross everywhere, which I get it,

but it is a strange memory to think about all the time.

It's not a happy memory.

I know that's your guy, but he's seen better days.

That's like if I walked around everywhere

in a Michael Jordan Wizards jersey.

"I guess, but he was better before that.

You don't remember?"

"I choose to remember him suffering."

I'm in therapy, obviously,

and I see a therapist who sees a few other comedians.

I know comics who go to the same therapist as me.

I was in the waiting room the other day,

and I actually heard my therapist laugh

through the door,

and I was like, "Ugh. I got to bring it again this week."

"I've been playing the hits nonstop

for this dude, you know?"

I was complaining about a relationship I was in,

and he said, "Yes. You tend to pursue damaged people

and then try to help them," and I was like, "You, too."

We both do that, unfortunately, you know?

I'm not good at relationships.

They're so hard, you know?

Every woman I date tries to change me.

You know that Billy Joel song, I love you "Just the Way You Are"?

A woman would never write a song like that.

If Billy Joel were a woman, that song would be called,

"You Are My Project,

and We'll See Where This Goes."

Stop trying to change me.

She's like, "I'm not trying to change you.

I'm trying to improve you."

You know what having a girlfriend feels like to me?

You know that thing in your iPhone

that's always asking if you want an update?

That's what it feels like the entire time,

just constant, "Hey. Do you want to get better?"

All day, I'm like, "Remind me later."

I'm happy with my current operating system, so...

They made it harder. I think, like, the dating websites

made it harder for how we,

you know, communicate because, even on first dates now,

it's like, "What kind of music do you like?"

but it doesn't really matter.

Right? You can coexist with someone

that has different musical tastes.

This is my new first-date question.

This is what I ask on every first date --

"How likely are you to yell at me in public?"

That one is going to come in handy.

You don't want to be in that relationship.

Eight months in, you're getting screamed at

in front of strangers.

You're like, "It's cool. We both like Chance the Rapper, so..."

I had another breakup, and she broke up with me

and then asked me to take her back,

and then, curveball, broke up with me again.

That kind of feels like you're in a plane that's going down,

and then, somehow, you land safely,

and then you die in the cab ride home.

You're dead in the end.

And then she texts every day, "I miss you," and I'd be like,

"Well that is part of the breakup.

We're not gonna hang out as often."

I didn't know I had to explain that part.

I thought that was self-explanatory,

but thank God jobs don't work that way.

Can you imagine getting fired?

Then, 2 weeks later, your boss is like, "I'm sad."

"Mm. I'm glad you're sad. I hope your whole company collapses."

You know what a good thing about a breakup is you really learn

to truly appreciate rap lyrics. I didn't used to get it.

You know, and back in the day, I'd hear it.

I'd be like, "You know what?

That's a bit of a generalization,"

but then you get dumped.

You're like, "It's true. These hos are not loyal.

I know."

I went to the gym today.

I was listening to the Jay-Z album, the newer one,

and I listen to rap the way it was meant to be listened to,

by a pale Jew on an elliptical.

I like that album, that new one

where he talks about saving money.

There's a whole track about investing money.

That's, like, the whole song.

He's like, "This is where I save."

Rappers are living longer now, so, you know,

you didn't hear songs like that 15 years ago, right?

Back in the day, he was like, "Big pimping, spending G's."

Now he's like, "You got to make your money work for you."

"Are you motherfuckers familiar with long-term growth?

Then drop a beat."

He cheated on Beyoncé and then wrote a song about it,

two things we'll never do, none of us.

I was in a relationship 2 1/2 years,

and I never cheated once, not once.

I'm on the road all the time.

People are like, "What's your secret?

How do you stay faithful on the road?"

This is my secret. I'll tell you.

Two and a half years, never cheated once, my secret --

Not one woman tried to fuck me.

I mean, thank you.

Thank you.

Am I a hero? Yes. I am.

I'd be alone on a plane.

Beautiful women walking towards me.

I'd be like, "This chick better not sit next to me."

She'd sit next to me.

We wouldn't speak the entire flight.

I'd be like, "That was a close call."

I mean, I'm an amazing person.

Then your friends pressure you to get on these dating apps.

They're very intimidating.

Sometimes the pictures don't even match the occupation.

Just, like, a gorgeous woman bent over

with her finger in her mouth, and you're like,

"St. Jude's Children's Hospital?

If you say so.

I'm just worried about the children at this point,

you know?"

One of my friends was like,

"I got this dating site for you."

He comes over. It's a prison dating site.

Incarcerated women was his suggestion,

and we laughed for like 5 minutes, but, then, like, minute 6,

"There's some attractive women here."

But then it shows you the crimes they commit, and you're like,

"Double homicide is probably a bad idea, you know?"

But they have actual profiles.

One of them actually said, "I love the outdoors."

You're like, "Yeah. I mean, obviously."

"I mean, it turns out you like money laundering

a bit more, unfortunately, but..."

I'm wearing condoms again.

Yeah. I'm wearing condoms again.

It's the end of an era.

It's not that bad. Guys complain about condoms.

You know what wearing a condom is like?

You ever go to a basketball court,

and there's no net, and you're like,

"I mean, I guess I'll play, but..."

The whole time, you're like, "Did that even go in?"

I was with a woman the other night.

She asked me not to wear a condom.

I've never had that before.

She's like, "I'd rather you didn't wear a condom."

I was like, "I'm going to wear the condom, so..."

She's like, "Please don't wear it."

I'm like, "I'm wearing it. I've made my choice.

I'm gonna wear it."

She said, "I'd prefer if you didn't wear the condom."

I was like, "Wearing it.

Can't believe we're having this discussion,

and I can't believe which side I'm on, to be honest."

And she goes, "Why?"

"Why? Because, based on this,

I don't think you're going to be a good mother."

She slept over. That's a weird one.

She spent the night.

A one-night stand spending the night is,

like, I mean, that's like if you ordered in food,

and the delivery guy stayed while you ate it.

And, you know, I'm trying to be a better person.

I quit watching porn.

I cut back, and...

I do a double-browser system.

I do the work browser and the other,

so Safari thinks I'm a good person,

but Firefox is like, "Dude, what the fuck?"

I'm like, "Well, you don't even want to know

what I'm doing to Google Chrome, so..."

I find porn to be less offensive than a lot of women's magazines,

you know, because at least porn is body-positive.

There's fat and old porn.

There's no fat and old "Cosmo."

Every women's magazine is like,

"How to shed that last 10 pounds."

Meanwhile, porn is like, "You're perfect,

and we have a category for you right here."

You're not fat in porn.

You're a big, beautiful woman,

a BBW, if you will.

You're not old.

You're mature.

You're not covered in semen.

You're getting a facial.

It's like a day at the spa.

I'm glad that joke went over because, if it didn't,

this next one would be a real uphill battle,

so...

one time my ex asked me to finish on her face.

There's no clean way to say that.

I tried to think of something. It just doesn't work.

She asked me.

She's like, "I think we should try if you finish on my face,"

and I said, "I don't think it's a good idea,"

and she was like, "Please."

I might have doctored this conversation,

but...

she was like, "Please," and I was like, "Oh. All right."

I did it, and, the second I did it,

we both had a moment where we were like,

"We are not these types of people at all."

"I am in way over my head here.

This is not good."

I felt terrible.

I got her a hot towel, some cream, some sliced cucumbers.

I gave her an actual facial.

That's how bad I felt, you know?

I played some Enya.

Remember Enya, anyone?

That's a -- It's a weird feeling

because your only way of finding out

you're not that type of person is to put it into practice.

It's hard-core. I'm not that hard-core.

It's like when you're young and you, like, think you could join

a gang, and they're like, "You're not one of us."

You're like, "I feel like I could be."

They're like, "You're not one of us,"

and then, finally, they let you in,

and they light someone on fire, and you're like,

"You guys were right.

I'm gonna go get a smoothie.

This is..."

I'm not into celebrity sex tapes, too.

They creep me out.

Like, when the Hulk Hogan sex tape dropped, my friend...

I said "dropped" like it was a fucking album.

When the Hulk Hogan sex tape dropped,

we all remember where we were.

It was right after Yeezy's album.

But my friend sent me that sex tape,

and I was like, "I don't."

He's like, "It's funny."

I was like, "Not my type of humor.

I do a lot dry witticisms.

I don't really do the ex-wrestlers fucking."

I knew too much about the story.

Like, I knew that some woman allegedly

extorted money from him

and that she couldn't get any money,

and then he won all this money, so I knew the story.

I knew that she fucked Hulk Hogan

and then got outsmarted by Hulk Hogan.

It's not a feel-good story at all.

I don't even know what you would do after that.

I guess you pretend you're dating.

"What's this new guy look like?"

"Well, he's horseshoe bald, but, also,

he's got a mullet at the same time."

"Interesting combo."

"Yeah, but he's shredded. He's in great shape."

"Oh. So he's young?"

"I think he's, like, 85,

but a young 85."

"Oh. He's older. Does he dress well?"

"Only spandex."

"Okay. Well, at least no one knows you fucked him."

"Going to stop you again here.

My life is a disaster."

I'm at a good age, sexually.

I get in that, like, things I didn't used to get.

Cunnilingus, all in, love it, it's a good time.

Back in the day, when I was young,

I did it because I was like, "This is what men do."

Now I'm older. It's like Scotch.

I'm like, "It's actually quite nice."

One time I was going down on my ex.

I was, like, really...

You have, like, a realization that you enjoy it.

You know, I was getting really into it,

and I stopped in the middle.

I was like, "Man, I love eating vagina," and she was like,

"Cool. In the future, could you say my vagina?"

It is a fair edit.

When you've been with someone a couple years,

you show some brand loyalty.

That's what I say.

You could get throat cancer from cunnilingus.

Did you know that? Yeah.

All the women are turning to their boyfriends right now.

"That's not true. That's not.

It's just not," but...No.

I read that, and maybe you guys don't all get your news

from brobible.net,

but it's one of the most

trusted medical journals in America, and...

But if that is true, then, I mean, you lived a good life.

Right? I mean, if you did it enough to kill you...

...you went out like a fucking G,

as in generous.

No one is saying a bad word at that funeral.

"He was a giving man.

He didn't speak much,

but he was quite good at breathing underwater."

I like older women, I think, you know, like, more mature.

You know, I've always liked that.

My therapist will say,

"You have unresolved issues with your mother."

That always silences a room nice and quiet,

but, I mean, like, similar values.

The haircut is a coincidence,

but then my mom meets these women.

Every time, my mom is like, "I don't like her."

I'm like, "Yeah. Of course not. She's a younger you.

That's why you don't like her."

Then my dad meets her, and he's like, "I think she's great."

I'm like, "You sick fuck."

I like curvy, you know, like voluptuous.

I don't know why my hand is doing that,

but I don't know why it did this shit.

That was creepy as hell.

That's how it started for Weinstein,

and who knows where it ends?

Curvy, I liked voluptuous.

I don't know who came up with the stick-thin model look,

probably the fashion industry,

which means mostly homosexual men.

Right? Gay guys are like, "These are the hot chicks,"

and straight guys are like, "If you say so, but..."

I mean, I'll fuck most of them, but I'm not happy about it.

Why did gay guys get to choose who the hot women are?

That's if, like, straight guys got to decide

which is the best Broadway show.

Like, "All right. And the Tony goes to 'Rocky' again."

My ex's best friend was a gay guy.

I loved the guy, you know, because he's protective.

He did activities with her I didn't want to do,

and he did not want to have sex with her,

so it's a very good deal for me, honestly.

I get her anniversary gifts.

I'll be like, "Honey, two tickets to Bieber.

You and Mateo are going to have so much fun."

I'm not going to that bullshit.

We all have a little gay in us.

We do. I don't know if you know this.

Every straight guy, when we pee urinal to urinal,

we do look at the other one's penis,

so I hope that's true.

It's my hypothesis portion of the show.

I could be wrong, but, if I'm wrong, I don't want to be right.

I'll tell you that much.

I've been on the road a lot.

I've been to some real dumps lately.

Reno, Nevada...

shithole.

I did a casino there for a week.

That sentence keeps getting sadder as it goes along,

a casino in Reno.

If you ever want to see fake tits and an oxygen tank

on the same person, book a ticket.

It's happening.

It's a joke, guys.

It's a lovely city if you hate teeth and can't afford Vegas.

It's a...

I was in Montreal.

That's a good city.

You guys like Montreal?

That's a good... You know what they do?

They try to make you go to their strip clubs

the second you get there.

Maybe I'm hanging with different people than you guys,

but they're like, "You should go to these strip clubs."

I was like, "I'm not. I'm not gonna go."

They were like, "You should go." I was like, "I'm not going.

Those girls are victims of sexual abuse,

and, also, it's too much money, so..."

That's my stance.

I could have just said the first part and said, maybe, like,

"I'm not gonna take advantage of some girl's

fucked-up childhood, not at those prices."

You want me to confront an ugly truth,

you better give me a bargain.

That's all I'm saying.

I was in Montreal.

I was going through customs, and they speak

a little differently, so, like, one of them was like,

"Have you ever been arrested or handcuffed?"

And I was, like, I mean, two different questions.

Arrested or handcuffed?

That's kind of being, like,

have you ever had a prostate exam

or a finger in the butt?

I just say "yes," because, you know, I'm health conscious

but open-minded, and...

Everything is self-service now when you go to these airports.

You know, I've been flying so much and, like, LaGuardia,

that's where I fly out of.

I went to get a coffee there, and I was like,

"Can I have a coffee?"

The guy is like, "Yeah. You pour it yourself over there,"

and I was like, "Okay." So I pour it, and I go to pay.

I was like, "Can I have this coffee?"

He's like, "You pay with that other guy over there."

I was like, "All right." So I walked over.

I was like, "Can I have this coffee?"

And he was just like, "Oh, yeah. It's self scan.

You do it yourself,"

and I was like, "Why are all of you here?"

And then there was a tip jar, and I thought I did a good job,

so I took a $5 bill on the way out

because, you know...

I earned it.

I fly almost exclusively Delta because of the Biscoff cookie.

I'm an adult, and I've made my choice.

It's a fucking awesome cookie.

You may...You grow up, and you realize what cookies you like.

I never thought biscotti was gonna be in the cards,

but comeback victory for biscotti, delicious cookie,

so pretentious, but so yummy.

I feel like Chips Ahoy looks at biscotti like, "All right.

Dude, we get it. You studied abroad. Eh."

And biscotti is like, "I did Prague. I did Madrid.

I've seen a lot of shit, to be honest, so..."

Delta took away 20,000

of my hard-earned road comedian airline miles.

This happened 6 years ago, but I'm not over it,

and I called to complain,

and this woman picks up the phone, and she just goes,

"Oh. We don't do this anymore."

I was like, "You don't do what?"

She's like, "We don't do complaints anymore."

"Pardon me?"

She's like, "Yeah. You can e-mail our complaint division,

but it takes, like, 6 months,"

and I was like, "That's ridiculous."

Then she said, "Also, your mother is a cunt."

I'm paraphrasing, but that's how her words made me feel,

you know.

I can say whatever I want as long as it's how I feel.

That's what my therapist Alan says.

So I get transferred to my next rep.

She's even worse.

She said, "Well, your miles are from 2010.

We didn't start keeping track till 2011, so sorray."

Yeah, she said, "Sorray" with an A, Y.

That's the least sincere apology of all.

You would never go to a funeral, "Sorray."

And if you do, that's the murderer right there --

"Sorray for your loss."

"Are you?"

So I said, "This isn't fair."

She said, "Well, I don't know what to tell you."

I said, "I feel like you're being kind of condescending."

She said, "Oh, am I?"

"Yeah, you're talking down to me."

She said, "Oh, well."

I'm not proud of what I said next.

It was a little subtle.

I said, "I hope that you die in a fire."

True story -- She hung up on me.

Look, I overstepped a little.

Rude customer service, hour-plus hold time,

fiery death may be a little extreme.

I should've gone with moderate form of cancer for my insult,

you know?

You guys can pull back here, but I'm gonna power through

because I believe in myself.

I'm talking treatable stage I cancer,

and then she shows up at the hospital, and they're like,

"There's nothing we can do.

Your insurance ran out in 2010, so sorray."

I mean... when the cancer joke hits,

we are in for a pretty good second half, I would say.

I mean, this is good news.

So I go to, like, all these cities all over the country.

Some of them, you go to some sensitive places.

I was in Portland, very sensitive people.

I think it's the lack of protein.

And I walked in this comedy club.

This guy was like, "I got the three hot girls in.

You owe me big-time."

I was like, "Thank you very much."

He said, "Yup, takes a woman like me to get those

hot chicks in."

And he had a 5:00 shadow like me.

I was like, "You're a guy, though, right?"

And he was like, "Excuse me?"

And I was like, "Aw, shit. You're not a man?"

He's like, "You can't tell me how I identify."

And I said, "I'm sorry. I made a mistake."

He goes, "Fuck you. You made a mistake."

And I said, "I can clearly see that you're a woman now

because you're furious at me, and I have no idea why."

And then he forgave me, so probably was a man.

That one takes a second to see if you agree with it first

because we are in Brooklyn.

I did a Caitlyn Jenner joke on "The Late Show" with Colbert,

and I got a nasty e-mail about it.

They're like, "You don't get it. You're a straight white man.

Caitlyn Jenner has had it hard."

Has she?

Caitlyn Jenner has never worked a day in her life.

She's been coasting off of Bruce's success

her entire existence.

I mean...that guy trained hard every day.

Bruce Jenner -- American hero.

Caitlyn Jenner -- gold-digging whore.

I don't know if Caitlyn kept the penis or not.

I don't know.

I feel like you'd be better off without it.

The penis is just an inconsiderate body part,

isn't it? It really is.

If it was your friend, it would be your worst friend.

There's no worse friend than penis --

an opportunist, a social climber.

During my breakup, I was crying during my breakup,

and I hugged her goodbye, and I got hard.

That's how little your penis cares.

Up here, it's the worst moment of my life.

Down here, my dick is like, "Dude, one for the road.

I mean, let's get the band back together,

one more job."

The female anatomy is so much more complex.

I mean, you have to find the clitoris.

The penis just shows up, sometimes uninvited.

If they were toys, I would say the penis, pogo stick, you know,

simple, unpretentious.

You take one look at a pogo stick.

You're like, "I could figure that out."

You go up and down and you're like, "That's pretty much it,

actually."

The vagina, Rubik's Cube all day.

You could play with it your whole life and still be like,

"I have no idea. I don't know.

Only Asian boys can crack that code, you know?"

The penis, well, it starts a pogo stick.

It ends up a Slinky, flaccid, sad-looking,

trying to escape down the staircase.

Most women I know, they look at sex differently.

Most women I know, they look at sex like buying a car, be like,

"Can I see myself in this long-term?

Is it safe? Is it reliable? Could it kill me?"

Most guys, you know, they look at sex like parking a car.

We're like, "There's a spot."

"There's another spot."

"Oh, I have to pay? Never mind."

"Handicapped? Hope no one sees this."

I'm trying to be better, you know?

I'm an atheist.

But then you ever meet, like, a hard-core atheist,

and you're like, "Well, I'm not that."

I was talking to this guy. He's like,

"You could dig up my body after I'm dead and fuck it.

I don't give a shit.

There's no afterlife."

You could also not believe in God

and hope that someone doesn't defile your corpse.

That's the camp I'm in.

I'm like, "Probably not, but come on.

That seems a bit extreme."

I guess he's, like, a hard-core atheist.

He's a drug dealer. He lives at home.

He's like, "I don't believe in God."

I'm like, "I don't think God believes in you."

I'm trying to be better.

I got rejected from the Big Brother program.

True story, I'm not just making that up to sound cool.

They gave me a hard no.

I made it to the third round.

It's hard to get into, but I made it to the...

First two rounds, I killed. They loved me.

Round three, they got a little more tight,

and this woman was like,

"What's a bad example of a Big Brother?"

And I thought she would laugh, so I was like,

"You mean like a child molester?"

And she did not laugh at all.

She said, "We were looking for, like, impatient."

I don't know. I thought we were playing high stakes.

I'm sorry.

She's like, "What are you gonna bring

to the Big Brother program?"

And I said, "Patience.

That's the opposite of pedophilia,

the willingness to wait."

I took a depression test online the other day,

which I think means I have it.

I think that's the test.

They're like, "You're here? Yeah, it's not..."

Question one was, "Do you give up on things too easily?"

And I was like, "That's enough for today.

We gave it a shot.

And I don't think I have it."

You ever get sucked into that, like, YouTube comment wormhole?

I don't know why I've never done that and felt good about life.

I've never been like, "Wow, we are gonna be

all right after all," afterward.

I was watching this YouTube video.

It was, like, a Ted talk on grief.

I've got to read you this quote.

It said, "I lost my parents in a car crash a couple years ago.

Last year, I lost my wife to lung cancer.

Recently, I lost my sister to breast cancer.

When the tsunamis of grief wash over me,

I have to stop everything I'm doing

and take a deep breath.

Soon, it dissipates and begins to melt away like snow."

The comment underneath it said, "Shut up, bitch."

If you asked me to define the Internet, that's it --

Sad meets mean.

That's all you're gonna find, pathetic and terrible.

I do kind of like "Shut up, bitch," though.

It's so final.

If someone says, "Shut up, bitch," you're shutting up.

I mean, it's good.

I disagree with the intent, but the word choice is economical.

Once a year, I'll get into it with a troll.

That's like my Mardi Gras.

I'll really, like, I'll let it fly, you know?

Like, I'll look, but I'm also like,

I mean, I'm not gonna get involved or engaged,

but once in a while, it is fun.

Last year...

And don't pretend to act like you're a great person here.

We're all mortified by this,

but remember the baby that got eaten

by the alligator at Disney?

We can all agree it's a tragedy.

Comedy Central wanted me to say that.

I think it's kind of funny, but...

That's a joke. It's a tragedy.

I'm kidding, guys, but no.

It's a terrible thing that happened,

and I'm going to tell a joke.

I'm not just reporting sad fucking news.

So the baby got eaten by the alligator at Disney.

Is that where we left off?

And it's a tragic thing, and I was like,

"That's terrible," and then two weeks went by,

and I was like, "All right. It's time.

It's time.

Of course it's terrible, but let me fucking try."

And I went on stage that night at the Comedy Cellar,

and I said, "I don't mean to come off like a gun nut.

I just think if that baby was carrying a weapon,

he'd still be with us. That's how I feel."

Not a great joke, but it's timely.

And there's a woman in the front row, and she just goes, "No."

And I was like "What?"

She's like, "You can't joke about that,"

which guarantees I will continue to keep joking about it.

If you know anything about comedians, that's all we need.

And she's like, "No, you can't."

So I'm like, "Did you even watch the baby's funeral on TV?"

Which it wasn't on TV.

They don't televise baby funerals,

but it is a pilot I'm thinking of pitching.

"Coming this fall to MTV after 'Teen Mom.'"

But it kind of escalated.

I was like, "Did you even see the baby's funeral on TV?"

And she said, "No, I guess I haven't seen

the baby's funeral on TV."

And I said, "Well, if you did, you would've seen the mother

come on through tears and say, 'See you later, alligator,'"

which...

She gets up and walks out.

Her husband stays put, which is how you know it's a good joke.

And there's a part of me that is excited by this

because I know I'm the subject of conversation

in the car ride home.

You know that she's like, "He was terrible,"

and the husband is like,

"I thought he had some good stuff, you know?"

"I thought he was bringing it tonight, you know?"

So they e-mailed the Comedy Cellar, my home club,

and the Comedy Cellar forwards me the e-mail,

"Ha ha ha" with 11 exclamation points.

I counted. I did count,

and I will now read you the best e-mail

I ever got in my life.

Here's how it opens -- "Okay, you want blunt?

I'll be blunt."

So you know some bad shit is coming.

It's never like, "You want blunt?

Wonderful evening. Thank you."

"A disgusting person, Sam Morril, took the stage

and spent the first few minutes of his act

disrespecting the 2-year-old child

who was murdered by the alligator at Disney."

I'm gonna say it.

"Murdered" is a strange word choice to use here, you know?

That makes it sound like the alligator was paid to do it,

then afterwards he went to a pay phone

and was like, "It's done."

And then he belched and ran away in a trenchcoat.

"I have never in my life been so offended

and repulsed by someone.

I immediately left and stopped to tell your staff why."

This is my favorite part.

"They followed me to make sure my drinks were being paid."

I mean, it's just so wonderfully condescending that she's like,

"I'm furious," and they're like, "Mm-hmm.

Those Coronas weren't free.

Sorray."

I should say that the comic before me on this show,

friend of mine, she made, like, six

Holocaust jokes, and this woman wasn't bothered by any of them.

She didn't even mention them in the e-mail.

She's acting like they didn't even happen.

I mean, some would call her a denier, but, you know...

Thank you. Thank you.

"I would expect all human beings would be offended

by a sicko making jokes about a 2-year-old baby's tragic death,

saying his mother probably said, 'Later, gator' at his funeral."

I mean, even in text form, it kind of holds up, you know?

Is it the gift that keeps on giving?

Yes, it is.

This is a woman who's trying to get me fired over

"Later, gator," a play on words,

which to me is a bit of a crock, honestly. [croc]

It really is.

No.

"I have posted about this

on every social media account I own."

She sounds fun.

"I've asked everyone I know to share it.

The comedian himself replied to me to say,

'Pretty strong act, huh?'"

I did do that. That is true.

If you troll me, I will occasionally troll back.

I'm hosting this sports show,

and I basically got media trained

because I think they saw me as a "liability," and...

Their words...but they were reading some tweets.

I don't know if you've ever heard a gray-haired person

read your Twitter.

It is enlightening to say the least.

One of the tweets they actually read out loud was,

"Someone tweeted at you here, Sam,

that your comedy is a waste, and you replied,

'Your father's jizz was a waste.'"

I'm like, "So you want me to keep doing that or no?"

She ends it by saying, "What a complete

and utter pathetic excuse for a human.

He doesn't deserve to breathe the same air

or live on the same planet

as that precious little boy's family.

He can go fly a kite!"

Which that last part, it always gets me.

I would love to fly a kite.

It sounds like a pleasant recreational activity.

Kite-flying?

She's very tightly wound.

She could use a vacation. I'm thinking Disney, but...

The owner of the club is a very good guy.

I like him a lot, and he e-mailed this woman.

He said, "We feel bad you had a rough night here.

We'd like to make it up to you

and maybe comp you and your husband for a night out,"

and I hope they accept,

and I think it'd be a great idea for them

to rebook me for the gig.

Nothing would make me happier.

They're sitting there like, "Finally we can take our mind

of that awful, awful man."

"Your first comic coming to the stage, Sam 'The Gator' Morill!"

I was just doing a gig at a mall in Albany.

I'm not bragging, but, look,

when you dream big, things happen in this career.

You'll someday perform next to a Cinnabon.

I was doing a gig, and there was a kid in the crowd.

I was like, "You're too young to be at my show."

And he goes, "I'm 22."

And I said, "There's no way that you're 22.

Someone put a spell on you if you're 22."

And he said, "Here's my driver's license."

I was like, "Wow, you're 22.

You're the youngest-looking 22-year-old I've ever seen.

You're, like, a pedophile's dream. That's crazy, you know?"

And, yeah, okay here.

In Albany, it crushed.

They loved it.

It was to the point that it was hard for me to follow.

Like, they started screaming "Pedophile's dream"

throughout the show.

It became a thing. I'm not bragging, again,

but after the show, he comes up to me.

He goes, "You got to take a picture with me

and post it to Facebook,

hashtag PedophilesDream."

And I was like, "Hey, yeah, let's do it. Sure."

So I did it, and the next morning,

I got a very concerned phone call from my mother.

She was like, "What the fuck is wrong with you?

Why would you do that?"

My mom's friend comments on all my Facebook posts, too.

He comments on, like, every joke.

He's like, "Not funny."

Every joke, "Not amusing at all."

So I posted this picture, and he writes underneath,

"Pedophilia jokes are not funny under any circumstance."

My friend comments underneath, "Shut up, bitch."

This guy gets me.

I'm glad I'm doing this special in New York.

It's home.

It's very much a love-hate relationship.

That was what we call...

That's what we call a cheap applause break in the biz.

Praise the city you're in.

No, I love it here,

but I do take the subway home every night,

and I see some weird shit.

Sometimes you see the people come on with the music,

and I'm always like, "Please, I'm hung over.

This is so inconsiderate."

I was on.

This guy was like, "All right. Now all the women join in."

He actually said that in the middle of a song,

and a couple women joined in.

They must have been tourists or something,

and he said, "All right. Now all the Jews."

And none of us joined in at all because it sounded like a trap.

You can't be that specific.

It sounds suspicious.

You can't be like, "All right. Now all the Mexicans.

All right. Now all the undocumented Mexicans."

The best one is, this guy comes on the other day.

He's singing about how homeless he is,

and he had a beautiful voice, so we all really went with it.

We were all like, "Wow, this is amazing,"

you know, and we all gave him money.

Then he got off, and then another homeless guy came on,

and we all at the same time were like,

"You came at a very bad time."

"I mean, the last guy really dazzled us,"

and I'm not gonna lie.

There's a bit of a disappointment, you know?

That's how tough this city is.

You can't just be homeless.

You got to have a thing.

It's like, "Homeless."

I'm like, "Yeah, but what's your hook?"

It makes you very cynical.

I feel like an "America's Got Talent" judge every time

I see a hobo. They come on.

They're like, "I'm homeless. I don't have any money."

I'm like, "Mm-hmm. And what will you be performing this evening?"

I'm not making fun of you.

I've been on "America's Got Talent."

I lost to a mime, so I'm not getting cocky up here.

Believe me.

And he was a good mime, but he was still a fucking mime.

It still hurts.

A very talented mime named Tape Face.

And you guessed it.

He had tape over his face, and my mom called me afterwards.

She was like, "You had our vote,"

and I was like, "I figured."

That'd be pretty messed up if she was like,

"Look, you're our son, and we love you,

but Tape Face is the shit.

Man, he really spoke to us."

Sometimes I'll see a crazy person,

so I go to the next subway car to get away,

and I see an even crazier person on the next subway car,

and I'm like, "I think I left a religious freak

for a public masturbator.

Bad trade."

This guy was touching himself underneath his pants.

He's looking at my girlfriend at the time.

She turned to me.

She's like, "You're just gonna let him do that?"

I was like, "You want me to interrupt this guy?

I don't think blueballing this lunatic would be my solution."

She's like, "Maybe you should fight him."

I was like, "Yeah, I don't want to get hit with that hand.

I could beat the shit out of him.

He touches me once, I lose the fight."

That's a difficult situation to be in.

She's like, "You're just gonna let him do that?"

She pushed me up. I had to get in his face.

I was like, "Excuse me, sir."

I don't know why I'm calling him sir. His dick is out.

It's like, "Sir, you got to stop touching yourself

like that to my girlfriend."

He said, "I'm not touching myself like that

to your girlfriend. I was doing it to you."

I was like, "Uh, you're just gonna let him do that?"

You ever get so drunk that you pee on the street?

Yeah?

No, just me? All right.

I was peeing on the street the other night.

I was hammered, and this cop walked up to me.

He's like, "You are not seriously peeing on the street."

And I was like, "No, I'm doing it ironically,"

and he handcuffed me while my dick was out,

which that makes it look like I committed a way worse crime.

This is the drunkest I've ever been.

You ever get so drunk that you lose all your friends?

I don't mean forever.

I mean, for the night, but it feels like that.

I was so drunk I was yelling at the coat check

to serve me a beer, and he was like,

"I only have jackets."

I'm like, "I feel like you're lying to me right now.

Just get me a Bud Light. Don't be a dick."

This happened...I was probably 19 when this happened.

I was in New Orleans. I was walking down the street.

I was very drunk.

This guy was like, "Do you want a hit of this blunt?"

And I said, "Yes, I do."

And the second I took a hit, these two cops slammed me

and these two strangers against the wall.

They handcuff the three of us.

This cop looks deep into my eyes.

He goes, "You seem very drunk."

And I look back, and then I go, "I'm fucked up."

He was like, "How much did you have?"

I was like, "A few too many." He's like, "How much is that?"

I was like, "You know too many?" He was like, "Yeah."

I was like, "A few more than that."

He didn't even crack a smile.

I'm not saying I'm Oscar Wilde, but I'm near blackout.

It was deserving of some response.

He's patting me down. He feels my back pocket.

To this day, I have a little notebook in my back pocket,

and he said, "What is it?"

I'm drunk, so I said, "That's my joke pad."

And he said "What the fuck is a joke pad?"

And I said, "I'm a stand-up comic."

And the second it came out of my mouth, I was like, "No!"

He was like, "You're a comedian?"

I said, "Yeah."

He goes, "We'll see about that."

Takes the joke book out of my back pocket

and starts reading the jokes out loud,

and after every joke, his partner would go,

"Worst piece of shit I've ever heard."

The two guys handcuffed next to me

are now laughing hysterically.

They were supposed to be on my side.

They flipped, and it only went on 2 or 3 minutes,

but it felt longer. This guy has got no delivery.

He's kind of butchering what I do.

Finally they uncuff me.

They uncuff the other guys.

They keep my joke book, but they let us go,

and the second they drive away, one of the guys

I'm handcuffed with turns to me,

and he goes, "Holy shit, dude.

I had cocaine on me,

but they didn't search me because of your shitty jokes."

Thank you so much, guys.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

♪♪

Man: ♪ She looked me in the eye and said ♪

Woman: ♪ Meet me at the end of the road ♪

♪♪

So what'd you think of the show?

I prefer Lil Rel.

Man: ♪ What should I do if the end is so near ♪

♪ "Don't be alone," she said, "There's nothing to fear" ♪

♪ We'll make new memories in a world built for two ♪

♪ And start all over with this rendezvous ♪

♪ Then she took me by the hand and sang ♪

Woman: ♪ Meet me at the end of the road ♪