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[cell phone rings]

Hello?

Yeah, yeah, Natty Legs.

The people want another performance. Oh, God.

You got to give it to 'em; you got to give 'em what they want.

I got to get my ready on.

You got to get out there, Natty.

Natty Legs, bitch.

♪ I got a show tonight at the comedy joint ♪

♪ But before I hit the stage, I get my shit on point ♪

♪ I get my muscles loose with the Jacuzzi fog ♪

♪ Then I get a portrait painted of me and my dog ♪

♪ I sit for a portrait of me and Mayor Cutie ♪

♪ Then I get it airbrushed on by booty ♪

♪ Then they paint in on a cake, I only take one bite ♪

♪ Fuck those starving kids, gotta keep my "sitch" tight ♪

♪ Drink 40 cups of Throat Coat while they're cooking my quail ♪

♪ And after all that, I have my money detailed ♪

♪ Gotta have your cream steamed, there's germs on money ♪

♪ And when it's all wrinkled, gotta fluff and fold, honey ♪

♪ Gotta take another bath in prehistoric mud ♪

♪ B-B-Back to my room where I get new blood ♪

♪ The only blood that works for me is ♪

♪ Blue blood 'cause... Natty Legs, bitch ♪

♪ And a migrant named Lionel alphabetizes my vinyl ♪

♪ While I dine with my gyno a-a-and my jewelry designer ♪

♪ Right before the show, I get primped and weighed ♪

♪ Then I go to the network, it's time to get paid ♪

♪ I elegant, that's what I be

♪ So damn fancy, got a diamond pussy ♪

♪ D-D-D-Diamond pussy, d-d-d-diamond pussy ♪

♪ D-D-D-D... Diamond pussy [meows]

No, no, no, no. No.

Natasha, the budget for your special is out of control.

We've got to keep this thing simple. Look.

I can show you market research that proves

people do not want to see effort.

Uh-uh. I didn't get into this business to read.

Okay, then I'll summarize it for you, okay?

Specials aren't special anymore.

And you're making yours way too special.

You're spending too much money.

I haven't even finished my intro yet.

I know. I can still hear the music.

This is the perfect time to rein it in.

Have you seen these Louis C.K. specials?

He literally gets off the bus,

he wipes mustard off his shirt,

he does the show in a T-shirt.

That's a producer's dream.

I can get you a T-shirt.

That's what people want.

No frills.

Okay, I'll think about it.

Thought about it. Hell no.

Okay, it's really annoying when you talk

in tempo to the music, okay?

'Cause it sounds like you're rapping.

And I'm sorry,

but you cannot call the special

Diamond Pussy.

But I had it polished for the show.

Okay, it looks amazing.

But we have got to stop spending money.

Shut the hell up, Mister...

Wearing-A-Suit-Man.

Table flip.

Don't flip my... Don't flip the table.

It's glass. Please.

♪ Man, fuck this patriarchal society ♪

♪ Name of this special still be Diamond Pussy♪

♪ That was a waste of my time, my show starts in ten ♪

♪ And I still got a whole bunch of errands ♪

♪ I got business, bitch, I need forever stamps ♪

♪ They're such a good value, got me super amped ♪

♪ One more thing I need to address ♪

♪ An unfortunate by-product

♪ Of saying yes

♪ Down to the clinic, I'm a superstar ♪

♪ All those bitches know who I are ♪

♪ 'Cause I have a career

♪ I ain't having babies

♪ The price of two babies equals five Mercedes ♪

♪ I need another abortion, so I pay the fee ♪

♪ If I get two more

♪ Sixth one's free

Do you want to use this one today?

♪ Nah, that's okay, I'll pay, bitch ♪

♪ While they get the baby they massage my legs ♪

♪ While they get the baby I eat steak and eggs ♪

♪ Then I have the waiter bring a light dessert ♪

♪ Bye-bye, baby, mama's eating sherbert ♪

♪ I eat steak and eggs and lamb and ham ♪

♪ Post my meal and abortion all on Instagram ♪

♪ I get away with this, y'all, 'cause I'm famous and wealthy ♪

♪ Always got time for a selfie

♪ I gotta finish this shit, get my ass to the club ♪

♪ I'm-a do my show high on abortion drugs ♪

♪ I feel ten pounds lighter, even with the steak ♪

♪ And now my body's back to its pre-op weight ♪

♪ It takes a lot of maintenance to keep all this juicy ♪

♪ And that's how I keep this diamond pussy ♪[meows]

♪ Now I'm ready for my show, I call it what I want ♪

♪ 'Cause they want this shiny pussy from China to Vermont ♪

♪ Fuck Ben & Jerry, they're a couple of wussies ♪

♪ Binge on a pint of diamond pussy ♪

♪ Diamond pussy, d-d-d-diamond pussy ♪

♪ D-d-d-d...

♪ Diamond pussy [meows]

♪ I elegant

♪ That's what I be

♪ So damn fancy, got a diamond pussy ♪

♪ D-d-d-diamond pussy, d-d-d-diamond pussy ♪

EMCEE: Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Natasha Leggero!

[cheering and applause]

[music stops]

Whoa.

Thank you. Thank you, San Francisco.

Don't worry, it's faux.

Oh, this is a dead fox.

It's amazing the clothes you can pick up at the animal shelter.

Hold this.

It's disgusting.

Anyone else addicted to these things?

So cool and new, we don't even know the side effects yet.

Literally no testing's been done.

I can make any Costco seem like Midnight in Paris.

Oh, is that a stack of Kirkland khakis?

I thought it was the Eiffel Tower.

Oh, look, it's Ernest Hemingway.

Oh, that's just a drunk Native American.

It's great to be here in San Francisco.

I'm so happy that I get to...

that I get to do my special here,

'cause this is my favorite city.

This is where I always try to come.

I recently came here to San Francisco

with a group of my girlfriends.

We were supposed to do, like, a ladies' night.

And we get here, and the whole dinner,

all they do is talk about their children.

And the moms are showing pictures of their babies,

and then the ones who are pregnant, they're showing,

like... what's the black-and-white picture

of the skeleton?

So disgusting.

And I'm getting grossed out at the table.

And then, all of a sudden,

one of 'em was like,

"Natasha, how are your dogs?"

I was like, "They're pretty great.

"They're at a boarding facility right now.

"My pussy's still real tight.

"And in 12 years, they'll die

"and I'll get new ones.

Pussy'll still be tight."

I just want to know what that feeling is

that moms talk about. Like, new moms are like,

"It's the most amazing feeling, Natasha.

"You can't get it from a Chihuahua.

It cracks you open, and you're born again."

Like, I just want to know what that feeling is

for, like, ten seconds.

Just to see if it's worth looking that awful.

Because every new mom looks like she has been stranded

out in the rain in an industrial city.

Like, not Hawaii; Detroit.

Every dad looks like a character from Lost.

They're like castaways trying to survive the elements.

I don't know if I should have a kid.

I feel like I have to decide.

Do you have one? No, you don't want to

turn your pussy into Mount St. Helens?

Seems like so much work.

And first of all, you'd have to, like,

hang up their shit drawings.

Like, you know, it's like, "I can tell that's your hand.

It's not a turkey."

And you can't be like,

"Maybe painting's not your thing."

Gotta get the Uber driver to take you to the zoo.

It just seems like it would be so much...

work.

And I don't know if I would, like, love all of my kids.

'Cause I have three dogs,

and I only really love one of them.

Do you have kids, ma'am?

No. No? No... [chuckles]

I guess my fans don't...

give birth.

MAN: Love you, Natasha!

Sorry. I have a boyfriend.

Well, I have someone I'm practicing emotions on.

And, uh...

it's exhausting.

I will never be pregnant.

For long.

Republicans, all right.

Do you know there are still three states

it is very difficult to get an abortion in this country?

That is so fucked up!

Has anyone been to Salt Lake City?

Okay, Mormonism is real.

These people are so scary.

They are, like, picketing everywhere.

They're-they're putting...

Mormons are putting all of their money

into trying to stop abortion, and they're rich.

And they're putting all their money into...

You know, this is their whole goal in life-- to stop abortion.

I'm at the mall, and the Mormons

are picketing the mall: "No abortion."

And then someone came up to me, and they were, like,

"Um, this is a Mormon-owned mall,

and you need to cover your shoulders."

I'm, like, "Oh, because of that Mormon taboo

of shoulder fucking?"

If there's any Mormons watching, uh...

It's for you.

Apparently, there's a problem now with Mormon gangs.

Now, I've never met anyone in a Mormon gang,

but I'm assuming they don't rape you.

They just pin you down and take turns holding your hand.

Do you guys understand this religion?

They have a floor of their temple

dedicated to baptizing dead famous people as Mormons.

And, so, obviously, I wanted to see that,

so I went to the church, and they wouldn't let me in.

They're, like, "I'm sorry. You need to take a worthiness test."

And I was, like, "Uh, do you mean a gullibility test?"

I'm just saying.

Here's what I don't understand.

Republican, white, male, Christian dudes.

I cannot kill a tadpole living inside of me,

but as soon as it expands and comes out and grows up,

you have full reign to pay it minimum wage

or take away its health insurance,

blow it up if there's a war.

Fuck you, Republicans!

[applause and cheering]

Maybe we're not in the mood

to turn our vaginas into lasagna.

I'm just saying, if you have sex with someone

in one of these states, make sure that one of you

has a car good enough to cross state lines.

How can men judge women?

Men create wars.

Women create men.

It's our one genetic flaw.

The worst thing a woman's ever done is fuck Flavor Flav.

Maybe supported the career of Josh Groban.

That's it.

[sighs] Maybe I should just adopt a 17-year-old

so I only have to raise it for a year.

By the way, I would rather walk in

on my boyfriend jerking off while hanging himself

than have him have one of those Call of Dutyheadsets on.

That's the one where you protect our country from your couch

while you're eating a sandwich.

I saw you nod your head, sir. How many hours a day?

Six.

Six? How old are you?

40?

When Napoleon was your age, he conquered half of Europe, so...

Just something to think about.

Are you married? No.

Men don't even want to get married anymore.

Marriage seems like it would be the best deal for a dude.

You could, like, get someone

to have sex with you for the rest of your life,

someone to find your wallet every day,

close the cabinets behind you, pick up your socks.

Okay, it would be one thing if guys would take off their socks

and leave 'em on the floor, but they'll, like, pick 'em up

and then put 'em by the bread.

Why are your socks by the bread?

"Oh, they're not all the way dirty yet."

I mean, I could see, like, 100 years ago when...

'Cause you see these TV shows now and movies.

The women are, like, "I'm 31! I have to get married!"

Like, I don't understand-- what is the point?

There is no point to a man...

Like, 100 years ago, I got it. You had to get married.

They wouldn't let women vote.

They wouldn't let us read. We would...

They would tell women, if they read a college-level book,

it would shrink their ovaries.

Like, your dad would give some guy some land

and some cows, and you could just relax,

and, like, if you wanted a dress or something,

you wouldn't get a job.

You would just, like, twist your dimples

and talk to your husband and act like a baby.

Like, "Please, Mr. Sweetie, buy me a dress."

And then, if he didn't give you what you wanted,

you would just faint, like...

They had couches made just for fainting.

If you didn't get what you wanted,

you would just get the vapors and pass out.

Now we all have to work.

All these dudes-- no one wants to grow up.

There's, like, these hipsters, so many hipsters in L.A.

You know these guys?

They'll be, like, 40 years old

wearing a flamingo onesie and, like,

carrying around an old-fashioned typewriter.

They got a monocle.

Just, like, looking for pussy.

Like, they're like calculated bros.

Sorry if I'm calling you out, guys, but it's, like...

They've all figured out girls don't want to fuck Pauly D.

They want to fuck someone who looks like David Koresh.

So, they're all, like, growing these, like, long beards.

Like, they think they're Ernest Hemingway.

If Ernest Hemingway were alive,

he would beat the shit out of every hipster.

There would just...

[applause and cheering]

There would just be trails of bloody hipsters

outside every artisanal coffee shop

and beard-waxing facility.

You know these people I'm talking about?

Like, people who have to wear their coolness?

Like, not me. I have style. That's different. But, like...

You see these guys. They'll have, like...

like, Mork & Mindysuspenders,

and, like, a tattoo of a parallelogram.

And they, like, can't light a pilot light.

They can barely wave.

They're, like, "Hey.

I'm Beowulf."

Okay, nobody's named that.

"Hey, I'm Nathaniel."

Okay, uh, I'm sure your parents named you Nathan.

In college, you were probably called "Nate Dog."

Nathaniel. That's, like, the name of a ghost.

Not an emaciated barista

with a Mr. Pringles moustache and a...

gluten sensitivity.

Why do only hipsters get gluten allergies?

Are they activated by American Apparel purchases?

I was talking to my friend.

He was, like, 38, barely ready for pet ownership.

We're having coffee. He doesn't have a job.

And he was, like, "I think I'm gonna get into pickling."

You should get into employment.

These are the guys we're supposed to procreate with?

This is the guy I'm gonna trust to be the sperm donor

to the Asian surrogate that's gonna carry my child?

That is a big decision in a gal's life.

Just don't want to die alone, you know?

'Cause isn't that why you have a kid, so you don't have to,

like, die alone so that when you're dying,

there's, like, all these people who have to be there

that you've given birth to?

They all feel obligated. Then I was thinking, like,

when my nana died, she was shitting herself

and calling me the "N" word, like...

Think I want to be alone for that.

That's a good time for some serious me time.

So I am getting married. Thank you.

I never want...

I never really wanted to get married.

I definitely didn't want to get married.

And I... like, I don't want to have a wedding.

I don't want to do vows.

I just want to do concerns.

I have a few concerns.

Um, first one--

how attached are you to this Burning Man tradition?

Do you guys know what Burning Man is?

[cheering]It's like...

It's a great place to go breast-feed your pet ferret.

Um...

And he really wants me to go.

I mean, if I wanted to be a part of a dysfunctional community

of white people in the desert, I'd move to Arizona.

There's no showers.

I need two baths a day.

I know there's a drought happening.

Maybe my two baths will mean

people in Barstow don't get bagels,

but you know what?

Something I have learned to deal with.

My friends are, like...

My friends will go to Burning Man.

They're, like, "I go there to meet dudes."

Okay, if I wanted to have sex

with some creepy dude in goggles,

I'd stay home and fuck a welder.

At least then, I wouldn't have to listen to didgeridoo solos

in between orgasms.

Like, the...

I'm sorry if anyone here is really into Burning Man,

but just like... I've never been.

I've never been, and I hate it, but, like...

'Cause you see these people talking.

Like, I heard this guy bragging. He was, like...

He goes to Burning Man every year.

He's, like, "Yeah, my kid doesn't have a birth ce..."

Oh, 'cause they're all... This is what I have to say.

They're all obsessed with being off the grid.

You know, like, they don't want to be a part of, like, society.

So, I heard this guy bragging.

He's, like, "Yeah, my kid doesn't have

a birth certificate or a Social Security number."

I'm, like, "Oh, really?

"Well, I wonder who, in 50 years, is going

"to be doing yard work for middle-class Latino families.

Your child."

So, my boyfriend...

I have to tell you this story.

So, my boyfriend really wanted me to meet...

Is this the Burning Man table right here?

So, my boyfriend really wanted me to meet his friend.

He's, like, "We go to Burning Man together every year.

You know, she's so awesome."

Turns out she's one of those girls

who's, like, really awesome to men,

and then a total bitch to women.

And so, let me just set the stage.

So she's this white chick, red dreadlocks.

We're in Austin. I'm talking to her.

Okay, first of all, she has a tattoo

of angel wings on her breast plate.

Okay, wrong side.

Oh. And her name is "Flapjack."

And so... Flapjack is sitting there

holding court, and she start...

Do you guys know her?

'Cause everyone has to have their own name.

Okay, so she... so Flapjack is holding court,

and she starts bragging about Dumpster diving.

And so, I'm assuming

she's talking about an art project.

You know, 'cause everyone at Burning Man's, like,

"Oh, here's my art project."

And they just BeDazzled a school bus.

So, I'm, like, "Oh.

Is this for your art project?"

And she goes,

"Not for art; for food."

And so,

I start freaking out 'cause I think I've offended her.

So, it's, you know, now it's like I'm his fiancée.

I'm trying to be nice, and I'm, like,

"Oh, well, you know, sometimes I used to waitress,

"and I would steal peoples' chicken wings off their plate,

so I totally get what you mean."

And this girl turns to me and says,

"Oh, you're not a square at all, are you?"

Okay, first of all, I love the idea

of a stuck-up bitch who Dumpster-dives.

Oh, I'm such a square

with my birth certificate and

car insurance and...

unpierced genitals

and food I've put in a refrigerator.

Like... real loser.

So then I wiped my ass with a vegan wrap

and threw it in the closest trash can

for old Flapjack to munch on.

I'm glad that you guys are all here.

I'm so excited that everyone came out. Is...?

By the way, I've been on the road,

and all I do is sit in my hotel room, watch TLC.

Anyone else?

[cheering]You know a network's good

when two shows just got canceled this week

because of Christian child molesters.

Okay, Toddlers and Tiaras; 19 Kids and Counting;

Cake Boss; Fabulous Cakes;

DC Cupcakes; Hoarders: Buried Alive.

TLC should stand for "Toddlers, Lunatics and Cake."

It's the only channel we have in this country

that's supposed to be dedicated to learning,

and it has shows almost exclusively

about little people and cake.

There's a show, My Strange Addiction.

Okay, this... you see this one where this girl's, like,

"I can't stop eating toilet paper"?

And then this other girl's, like,

"I can't stop eating dryer sheets.

A good place to sneak in dryer sheets is the movie theatre."

I'm, like, "It's not illegal to eat dryer sheets, ma'am.

You can just walk on in with those."

The best one I saw, though-- there was this girl...

Okay, her name was Charmissa.

And you know her parents meant to call her Charisma

but they spelled it wrong.

So now she's going by Charmissa.

This girl--

probably because her name's a birth certificate typo--

she is now addicted...

to eating her couch!

So her roommates leave.

She gets on the floor, unzips the cushion

and just starts eating the foam.

And TLC must think we're so stupid.

They're, like, "These are dangerous addictions

that should not be attempted at home."

She's eating her couch!

"Charmissa has been addicted to cushion for over three years.

"Over the course of her addiction,

she's eaten 29 chairs, a bunk bed and a settee."

I would rather be under a bridge

injecting heroin into my face

than be addicted to cushion!

"Please, man, I'll suck your dick for a futon."

Oh, yeah.

This is what we're addicted to?

And then, right after that is this show called Freaky Eaters.

This girl's, like, "I'm addicted to cheesy potatoes."

Uh, everyone's addicted to cheesy potatoes.

They're good.

I could have told you you were addicted

to cheesy potatoes 240 pounds ago.

This woman has eaten nothing but cheesy potatoes

for two decades.

Somehow, she has a husband.

And so, her intervention is,

he's frying her up some broccoli.

So, he's trying to get her to eat broccoli.

And then he tries to feed it to her, and she's just like...

[goofy, high-pitched groaning]

And she collapses on the floor.

And then they always bring in, like,

these fake, like, therapists.

A food trauma therapist, Sunrise Stevens.

It's, like, always a fake name. So, she goes and,

like, picks this girl up off the floor.

She's, like, "I've got a surprise for you."

And she takes her outside to their, like, cul-de-sac,

and all of a sudden,

this dump truck starts coming towards them

full of potatoes, and they dump them on her head.

And then the woman's, like,

"What do you want to say to the potatoes?"

And she's, like... [rapid gasping]

"Put some cheese on 'em!"

Costco-- you guys like Costco?

The membership fee is worth the high you get

from the forklift exhaust.

Kirkland diamonds, anyone?

I'm not afraid to get my diamonds where I get my salsa.

Tiffany's is great, but I can't eat a churro while I check out.

They have this new thing at the Costco by my house.

It's called a pizza hotline,

and it is a rotary phone that is hanging on a column.

So while you're waiting in line with your 4,000 bags of cashews,

you can pick this up and order a hot, tasty pizza

so on your way out, then,

you can then eat the pizza, bring it home.

Okay, if you want to know how gross this pizza is,

you just have to look at the pigeons

who are eating the crumbs.

They all have broken wings,

milky eyes,

type 2 diabetes.

Do you get it? I'm fancy.

I put tassels on things.

Have it on my toothbrush.

Have it on my vibrator.

Now it's just turned into a dreadlock, so...

[light laughter, groaning]

Thank you.

I really want to perform for the troops.

I'm just waiting for a war to break out

at the Four Seasons Maui at Wailea.

And I will be there!

I'm from a place called Rockford, Illinois.

Has anyone heard of this place?[applause and cheering]

They just erected a billboard in my hometown,

as you enter the city, congratulating

the number one Mexican restaurant in the city.

It's called Taco Bell.

And you keep seeing...

Everyone there is on a bike, but, like,

in California, if you're on a bike, it's 'cause

you care about the environment, but in the Midwest,

it's 'cause you have a DUI.

They've all got their, like, cases of beer

on the handlebars, and...

I was, uh... I was at the DMV. I got a new car.

And, uh, I was at the DMV getting it registered,

and now they're giving out free AIDS tests

while you wait in line at the DMV.

Now, the only thing worse than waiting in line at the DMV

is finding out you have AIDS.

Finally, they've combined those

two events in a gal's life.

Can you imagine your driver's license picture

after you found out you have AIDS?

I guess I'll uncheck the donor box.

I have a new car, and it has Sirius radio,

so I've just been obsessed with, like,

what are the people listening to?

Okay, I just keep flipping stations.

Country music, anyone?[person whoops]

Thank you. One person.

Okay, can you tell me if this is a song?

'Cause this is what I heard on the country station.

♪ You can't play with your toys ♪

♪ Till your nuggets are done.

Is that song called "Why Kids Are Fat"?

I was at the beach, and I would see, like, so many

of these obese toddlers, like,

wearing a string bikini, like...

Not saying it's not sexy.

I just think it's inappropriate.

And then pop music.

Okay, here's what's happening in music right now.

If you really want to make money, you have to write a song

that makes teenagers think they can be rich and famous

without doing anything.

That's, like, every song.

♪ You're beautiful no matter what they say. ♪

Actually, you're 16, you've never read a book in your life,

all you eat is chips and you're pregnant.

"But Katy Perry says I'm a firework!"

Technically, you're an obese Latina goth.

♪ This girl is on fire!

Stop eating Flamin' Hot Cheetos.

Any pregnant teens in the house?

Did you hear about this...

Did... did you guys hear about this teenager?

She just left her baby in the dryer of a Laundromat.

So sad. Can you believe people still use Laundromats?

You know what's worse, though,

than the music is the talk radio.

Okay, whoever has invented Playboy Radio has forgotten

the one thing you don't want Playmates to do is talk.

And they give advice. So these guys will call in,

and it's just like, "Oh, yeah... [low grunting]

How you doing, Timber?"

They're always, like, mid-masturbation.

"Oh...

Listen, uh, I'm a retired vet. [grunts]"

"Oh, my God, I love animals."

"Oh, yeah, I'll bet you do, Timber. Listen, uh,

"I need some advice. Uh, I really

want to fuck my stepdaughter."

"Well, one thing I will say is that my stepdad waited for me

"to move out of the house before he fucked me,

and I really respect him for that?"

Like, these girls do this thing now

where they say a statement but they phrase it

like a question?

And if you talk like that,

you're ruining the women's movement?

No other job can you get away with talking like that.

"This is your pilot speaking?"

"We just got your X-ray back?"

"I have a dream?"

[high-pitched giggling]

That's how they laugh, too. It's not even a laugh.

It's like a scream with spaces in it.

[high-pitched giggle]

Somebody help her.

Apparently there's, like, all these new ways of talking.

Like, NPR just did a special on it.

That way is called upspeak?

And as we're getting stupider as a culture,

there's all these new ways we're talking.

Like, there's also, um...

[low, raspy]: the growl. Do you know about that?

Like, hot chicks do it a lot.

'Cause sometimes when you're really hot,

it's hard to talk.

The Kardashians do it.

"I have a question. Why does everyone

want to take a picture of my butt?"

[normal voice]: Uh, I have a question.

How did an Armenian family of whores

capture the heart of America?

When I prepare for a part,

I like to study the lines of Adderall

that I've laid out in front of me. Anyone else?

What do you have, ma'am?

Besides giant breasts. I cannot believe that.

It's very distracting.

Do you have any Adderall?Not now.

Oh, okay. Not right now, you...

I know, you take it all too fast.

You like to party while you make to-do lists.

How... If you don't have

ADD right now, you're not paying attention.

How can we all not have ADD?

With the e-mails and the apps and everything's urgent.

I feel like I'm gonna crash my car reading an alert

for a Groupon for sweat yoga.

Why do I have to sign in to Facebook to pay my water bill?

I can't tell what causes me more stress--

not being able to remember my Apple I.D.

or growing up without a father.

This is a weird time we're living in.

Like, right now, there are people

just sitting on the toilet with their phone, just like,

"Never gonna fuck her, never gonna fuck her."

She's not gonna fuck you, either.

You know 50% of Tinder swipes are done on the toilet.

And then you press a button

and some stranger in a Dodge Caravan

comes and picks you up.

When did the Lyft murders start?

What is happening?

I was in a Scion listening to the Cranberries

the other day. I'm like, "I have a nice car."

How have we all fallen for this? Do you guys do Lyft?

[scattered whooping]Lyft is good 'cause it gives

people who live out of their cars a chance to work from home,

so I think that's really positive.

Uber. Uber's good if...

Uber's good if you want to combine your commute

with a history lesson on Armenian genocide.

No?

Have you noticed... I know this is a touchy subject

in San Francisco, but have you noticed

that the cab drivers now are like, they notice

there's all this competition, so they all, like,

accept credit cards all of a sudden.

Like, they're all in a good mood.

Every foreign cabbie is in such a good mood

you'd think his wife just miscarried a girl.

The way I shop is different now because of technology.

Like, I used to go to stores and, like, compare prices

and try things on and maybe go back and get something.

Now here's what I do.

I sit in my house, smoke a little pot.

I'll dream something up.

Like, "I need a gold stapler."

And then the next day, someone throws it over the fence.

I'm like, "I was just kidding."

You can get as specific as you want.

Like, "I want a cornflower-blue kimono."

And then it just comes... That is not a good way to shop.

What's gonna happen to us?

I recently dislocated my shoulder.

Don't worry, I won't talk about it long.

Nobody cares about your pain. I know.

Whenever I want someone to stop talking to me, I'm like,

"Oh." I start talking about my rotator cuff.

But here's what I don't understand-- I'll go online

to try to, like, get some solace,

so I'll, like, be online.

Like, what are some of the best exercises?

Who are on these Yahoo! Answer boards?

They're just giving paragraphs of information.

Like, you'll see these people, like,

"Well, I've never dislocated my shoulder personally,

"but about three years ago, a friend of mine at the office

dislocated his shoulder."

It's like, how do you have time to be on this Web site?

You got a password,

you filled in a CAPTCHA. Like...

I work 30 days a year,

and I can barely handle life.

There's just, like, so much pressure to keep up

with all of this, and none of it matters.

And I just have to keep looking at the same celebrities.

Madonna's been spreading open her legs

since I was in seventh grade.

J.Lo and her butt. Like, it's just, like,

do you know how many times a day I have to look at J.Lo's ass?

It just comes into my feed.

I don't care about J.Lo's ass!

J.Lo looks like a lion who works at Sephora.

Like, what... is that look?

Everyone's branding themselves.

Everyone's taking pictures of themselves constantly.

Okay, I... My mom has Gwyneth Paltrow's new cookbook.

Okay, there is a picture of herself on every page

of the cookbook, and then she's, like,

telling people, "Don't buy your food at a grocery store.

Grow it in your own backyard."

It's, like, uh, I have two dogs with IBS, and...

the Los Angeles water is toxic.

This is 2015, Gwyneth, not the Jamestown Settlement.

Oprah. Oprah... What is an Oprah Chai Latte?

Why is that on every...?

I travel the country.

Every Starbucks in our country has Oprah's signature on it.

Okay, I know it's hard to make fun of Oprah.

She means so much to sad white women everywhere,

but just, like, hear me out.

Imagine the level of insanity

that has to be happening in your head

if you have a magazine, for 20 years now,

and it's called your name,

and then, every month, you're, like,

"Who should be on the cover? Me!"

One time, she shared the cover,

and it was with a picture of herself as a child.

Sometimes I'll rent The Color Purple

and just fast-forward to where she gets beat up.

It relaxes me.

I've been doing stand-up in L.A. to prepare for this special,

and what happens in L.A. is, they don't have, like, hosts.

Everyone has to bring up themselves.

There's, like, you know, a lot of celebrities

working out their material.

There's, you know... there could be open-mikers

all on the same show.

And I was performing at the Comedy Store, and...

Okay, has anyone seen Martin Lawrence perform lately?

He is a master at pussy jokes.

I don't care if it's red pussy, white pussy,

deep pussy, shallow pussy,

mossy pussy, plaid pussy.

It was like in Forrest Gumpwhen they talk about the shrimps.

That is how much pussy he can describe.

And Martin is killing.

He is, like, "This pussy, that pussy.

This pussy. Thank you. Good night!"

He throws down the mic, and he gets a standing ovation.

And I'm waiting to go on.

And then he picks up the mic,

and he's, like, "Okay, who's next?"

And he was supposed to look on the sheet, which he didn't.

So then, the waitress whispers from the side,

"Natasha Leggero."

And Martin, from stage, is, like, "Who?"

And they're, like, "Natasha Leggero."

And Martin's, like, "I'm black. I can't say that shit."

And so... first of all,

if I said I couldn't say someone's name 'cause I'm white,

I wouldn't be able to leave my house for six years.

So, I'm in the back of the room, and I just yell,

"Martin, just say 'Natasha.'"

And Martin, from stage, says, "Bitch, I don't work for you."

So that was my entrance.

So, I come onstage.

I ask everyone to please sit down, 'cause he had...

got a standing ovation.

And, I mean, I'm humiliated.

I mean, this is Martin fucking Lawrence

from such TV shows as Martin.

So, I do my set.

It does not go well. I just want to leave.

So then, I'm done with my set, I'm, like, "Thank you."

I go outside, I'm waiting for my car,

and then, all of a sudden-- swear to God--

I hear this guy say, "Natasha."

I turn around. I'm, like, "Oh, Martin.

That was a three-syllable word. Good job."

And he's, like, "Come here."

And so, I'm, like, "Yeah, Martin."

And he's, like, "I don't work for you."

[audience groaning, laughter and applause]

So I handed him a W-9,

and he's been on the payroll ever since, kissing my ass!

[applause and cheering]

Thank you so much, San Francisco.

Thank you for having me.

♪

It's been great, thank you.

Do you have anything for indigestion?

Why is there a man in the women's bathroom?

I don't believe in a gender binary.

Okay, well, I need something.

I shouldn't have eaten during my abortion.

Yeah, always decline the meal. Abortion 101.

You really know your stuff, huh?

I don't want to have children.

If I'm going to lose my looks, it's gonna be

because of coke or meth or something else fun.

Yeah, I mean, it just seems like all that time

spent on something that doesn't really matter.

You know, time you could be spending on your podcast.

I mean, what is time, really, hmm?

[passing gas]

We're all gonna be dead in a hundred years,

and nobody's gonna remember your special.

That makes me feel so much better.

[passing gas]You've given me a lot more

than tampons and a mint.

Now I have the strength to get on with my career.

Have fun.

Oh, señor...

¿Sí?

[passing gas]

Thank you.

[toilet flushes]