Original subtitles

♪ Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight ♪

♪ Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right ♪

♪ I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair ♪

♪ And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs ♪

♪ And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right ♪

♪ Here I am Stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Really getting tired of the suffering ♪

♪ With the motherfucking child That your mothering ♪

♪ With it all through the window Of the girl next door ♪

♪ As you turn out the lights You see the fucking wall ♪

♪ Turn out the lights Turn out the lights ♪

♪ Turn out the lights ♪

♪ After a while ♪

♪ Turns out I'm inside ♪

Why can't you wear the earphones you bought with my credit card?

They keep getting lost in my hair.

Now, if you would please be so kind as to pump up my jam.

Just skip to the end.

What's happening?

I'm keeping our promise to all the ladies out there.

This is the donut portion.

Next up, vibrators.

Do you remember how many women retweeted you? Fifty thousand.

What will you do? Make 50,000 donuts at 3 in the morning?

I already made two dozen, so you, uh, do the math, smart guy.

This is a bagel covered with sugar.

It's our powdered pumpernickel.

Necessity is the mother of invention, Grace.

This is going to be the greatest human triumph since the Titanic.

Really? You want to go with Titanic for this one?

It won a hundred Oscars!

Frankie, this is not a problem that can be solved

with one Mountain-Dew-fueled all-night bake-o-rama.

Go to bed and tomorrow we'll work out a solution.

Don't worry. I've gotten out of tighter spots than this.

Like the time I got stuck in Brian Wilson's bathroom.

Like that man doesn't have enough on his plate.

Grace, I'm sorry I woke you up.

I know you have to be up early, but I've got this.

I don't actually have to be up early. I'm...

I'm leaving Say Grace.

Word?

After great deliberation, I have decided to step down...

to spend less time with my family.

Wow, that's huge.

I know.

Are you okay?

Mm-hmm.

Great. Then grab some dough and get fryin'.

We need all the help we can get.

- Frankie... - Hello!

Oh.

Hello, Grace. You look marvelous.

The market was closed, but I bought out the 7-Eleven.

Oh, yeah.

Come to mama.

Here we go.

We are gonna live forever, girls!

Oh, God.

Sol!

- What? - What, indeed!

- What? - You're hitting me in your sleep!

Oh, my God.

Do you think that's why I was dreaming I was hitting you?

Sol...

I am sorry I lost your dog. I don't know what else to do.

I've apologized a hundred times, both to you and Carl.

I took you both out to dinner.

That dog-friendly tapas bar was a find.

You think I don't care about Carl, but I was devastated.

I was running all over the neighborhood like a madman

because I thought I'd lost your third adopted child.

That must've been really scary for you.

It was.

I even started crying in front of Mr. Purcelli.

Though, that was probably the weed.

So, that's the other thing I can't get my head around.

After a lifetime of listening to Andy Williams

and saying things like "horse feathers,"

why did you suddenly decide to get high with my ex-wife?

I don't know.

Sol.

Do you ever get the feeling that maybe it's all added up to nothing?

God, you're Irish.

Talk to me, husband.

These were supposed to be the years I thought I could do whatever I wanted.

But I sleep with a machine on my face, and I can't drink liquor or eat pizza.

I'm playing the pudgy sidekick.

Although, according to Peter, I can't even do that right.

So I thought, "Why not? I'll try and get high."

Oh, God.

Is this my rock bottom?

I'm sorry.

I knew you were having a hard time. I just didn't know how hard.

Yeah.

We need to spend some time together, just you and me.

Mm.

Why don't I take you out to dinner tomorrow night after rehearsal?

I know a great dog-friendly tapas bar.

I'm pretty sure the health department's closing them down.

What?

We were there last night.

Yeah.

I called the health department.

Need your opinion on something.

Whoa.

Thoughts?

Compliments?

Nick, that is very funny,

but Frankie gets mad when people unwrap her turbans.

What? No, this is a sarong

for our trip to the Maldives.

It's what everyone wears, I assume.

I've never actually left the resort.

Well, you may not get a chance to.

No, no, no! You're not canceling.

I'm not. I'm... I'm... postponing.

No, no. You're not postponing just 'cause you're worried about Frankie.

I'm afraid that while we're away she'll sell Vybrant for magic beans,

which is what she calls Tropical Skittles.

They are hard to find.

I'm sorry, Nick. I really want to go away with you.

I've been looking forward to this for weeks.

I've been waiting so long to go on this trip with you.

I've been extremely patient with Frankie and sensitive to your relationship,

but sometimes you need to choose me.

I know.

This is Frankie's mess. Let her clean it up.

Yeah,... but her mess is my mess.

Fine.

Then you need to fire Buff.

Huh?

Buff McDoogle.

Who's Buff McDoogle?

Oh, I don't know. Some horrible white guy?

What?

Every time I have a "business whoopsie," rather than take the blame,

I invent a fictional scapegoat and fire them publicly.

Makes the investors happy, gets me off the hook.

America.

I told Frankie she wasn't allowed to invent people anymore,

so it would be really hypocritical if I did.

Then your only option is to issue a formal apology.

Make a video in which you own up to the mistake

and pledge to do better by your customers.

You mean use vague, non-committal words

to convey mutual regret without assuming responsibility

that could in any way have legal implications.

That's my girl.

You really shouldn't sit like that in a skirt.

Oh, my God, Liz, that was so good.

Oh, thanks. I'm glad we could have you over.

We should really do more of this...

Because we're having a baby.

Really throwing that "we" around.

Okay.

Uh, speaking of the baby, I'll go go outside, have a smoke.

- Probably the last one for a while. - I'm gonna come with you,

try to shame you into not having it.

You really haven't changed since college.

I paid my friends to throw their cigarettes away.

It's how I got my nickname, Fuck Off.

I told Erin that when she's pregnant I won't drink either, in solidarity.

So, I'm gonna have to do a lot of drinking in the shed.

That's so sweet. I hide my life from Barry, too.

You and Barry should come to one of our couples' yoga classes sometime.

It's kind of lame, but there's this loud couple from Boston who hate each other.

- It's worth checking out. - I would love to, but Fuck Off...

screams pretty loud during yoga.

Though, if you guys are ever gently feeding Ezekiel bread to ducks

in a sparsely populated park while telling pigeons it's not for them...

he's your man.

No wonder he and Erin were so close in college.

She's a pretty serious dork, too.

She keeps a bird journal.

Barf!

Barry cried at the end of the Julia Roberts movie Conspiracy Theory.

Barf.

Erin still reads Sweet Valley High books.

Okay, Barry names his bunions.

And if you don't think one of them's Paul Bunion...

...you're out of your mind.

You win. You win.

Thank you.

Frankie! Frankie!

Yep!

Just finishing another batch of kept promises.

Frankie, this has got to stop. Okay, clearly you have not slept at all.

And you're eating more donuts than you're shipping.

Where is Joan-Margaret?

Unclear at this time.

But don't worry, I've got a plan that is so simple, even you will understand it.

Let me get my whiteboard.

Oh, Frankie, I swear to God, if there are robot schematics on that thing...

Even better.

Oh, good, just a crazy flow chart no one can follow.

It all came to me in a dream I had while I was working.

How do we make 50,000 vibrators

in only a fraction of the time it normally takes?

Simple.

Use the stuff I find on the beach.

Not only will it save time not waiting for the manufacturer,

it will cut costs for the supplier.

That's us. Cost plus time equals synergy.

Dynamism.

Please, no questions.

Frankie, enough. We are not sourcing material from beach garbage.

You've got to stop

and admit that this just... It's not possible.

You're right. It isn't possible... for us.

But it is possible for this vibrator donut-making... robot!

Oh, dear mother of God.

I know. I spent a lot of time getting her eyebrows just right.

Frankie, let me lay a few facts on you.

You promised free vibrators to 50,000 women, right?

Okay, if you could ship 20 vibrators a day,...

...a feat that you have never once accomplished.

It would take you...

2,500 days to fulfill all the orders.

Don't try to hustle me with that new math.

If we do this, we're gonna go bankrupt. Is that what you want?

Look, do you want to help me make this robot or not?

Frankie... look.

Last time, I messed up and you fixed it.

Now it's my turn to fix your mistake.

I need you to trust me.

That's what being in a partnership means, okay?

Please!

Fine.

We'll do it your way.

Let me get my bong.

Well, it's off.

- Paul Bunion? - No, I talked to Erin.

She and Liz, they aren't gonna use my... stuff,

so, uh... I'm not having a baby.

- What happened? - I don't know.

Erin was super vague on the phone, you know?

She seemed really uncomfortable.

Like, I just... I couldn't get much from her.

Babe, I'm so sorry.

I just don't know what could've happened.

Everything was great at dinner and...

I mean, did Liz say anything to you or...

No.

I mean, we just talked about girl stuff.

Like what kind of girl stuff?

I don't know.

We poked a little fun at you and Erin.

Like the way that you talk about your partner.

Like nothing, really. It was stupid stuff.

Like what?

I don't know.

I... might have mentioned

that you cried during Conspiracy Theory.

What else? I told her your shoes are prescription.

I... mentioned your nipple thing.

- It was just stupid stuff. - Why did you tell her that?

Because nobody wants to just sit there

and listen to me talk about how much I love you. It's boring.

This is it! This is why they're not gonna have my baby.

- Don't be ridiculous. - What else could it be?

They have us over for dinner,

you say a bunch of weird shit about me to Liz, and now it's off.

Barry, I'll not take the blame for this.

What about you? What did you talk to Erin about?

Nothing! I...

I asked her if she loved Pitch Perfect 3 as much as I did.

I told her about the mail-order DNA test.

I explained the plot of Pitch Perfect 3.

Ah-ha.

The mail order DNA test that confirms you're ten percent Jewish?

It is not that.

I mean, we found our answer. Erin is a bona fide anti-Semite.

Her grandfather co-founded the Shoah Foundation,

so, yeah, I guess she hates Jews.

Thanks.

♪ Wither so ever they blow ♪

♪ Onward to glory I go ♪

♪ I'm Sancho ♪

♪ Yes, I'm Sancho ♪

♪ I follow my master to the end ♪

♪ I'll tell all the world proudly ♪

♪ I'm his squire ♪

♪ I'm his friend ♪

Hold it. Stop!

End. Quiet.

Sancho, where is your focus?

I mean, my God, you look like you're in a production of Starlight Express.

Really? I...

Robert, this move that you're doing...

This is a horrible move.

Who told you to do this horrible move?

You did.

Do me a kindness.

Just perform it in a way that doesn't make me want to quit show business.

- I'll do my best. - Thank you.

You're welcome.

One more time from Sancho's entrance.

And... be!

♪ I'm Sancho ♪

♪ Yes, I'm Sancho... ♪

Stop!

Okay, show business just called.

It said it hung itself and left a note saying "no funeral,"

and it's all your fault!

- Peter, why don't we take it from... - You're on thin ice, too, lady!

Oh, sorry.

From the top.

So you really think this is the right move?

Oh, trust me.

And thanks again for helping us out with this, Joan-Margaret.

Oh, not at all, dear.

Gives me an opportunity to flex the old muscle.

You've directed before?

Oh, for a time, you know, in the '70s.

You've seen Boogie Nights?

You worked on Boogie Nights?

No.

I'm gonna start in a wide shot

and then move in to singles on both of you.

Now... how the fuck do you turn this thing on?

It's the on button.

Oh! Right.

So how do you wanna do this thing?

- You wanna cry first or should I? - What?

No, we're gonna stick with the script.

What script?

The one I handed you yesterday, remember?

I gave you the script,

and you said, "I don't read scripts, scripts read me,"

and then you sneezed in my mouth?

Nothing?

Okay, just follow my lead,

and just hop in periodically to emphasize a point here or there.

Cool. Then I'll just blast them with a few sweet power chords.

Frankie, no! Frankie.

No crying, no harmonica.

I say, "Hello, I'm Grace Hanson,"

then you say, "I'm Frankie Bergstein,"

then together we say,

"And we're Vybrant."

Can you handle that?

Sure, but when do we say we're sorry for what happened...

Action!

Hello. I'm Grace Hanson.

Line.

Cut!

Frankie, your line is "I'm Frankie Bergstein."

Can you please memorize that? I need you to be off-script.

I still haven't seen this alleged script.

Here!

Grace?

I'll be the one who says cut.

Is that okay?

Sure.

Thank you, dear.

Still rolling!

Hello. I'm Grace Hanson.

And I'm Frankie Bergstein.

- And we're Vybrant. - And we're Vybrant.

We know you're upset about the promise we made on National Vibrator Day.

We're upset, too.

But we at Vybrant are working tirelessly

on dynamic solutions so that together we can move...

Get those free vibrators to you as fast as possible.

Frankie!

Frankie.

Dear, when you come onto my set,

you do two things.

You hit your marks

and you know your lines.

Now, let's all get on the same page

before I start throwing chairs,

shall we?

I think what Joan-Margaret is saying is that we agreed to try it my way.

Right, but this just seems like we're saying things that don't mean anything.

That's right. That's how we're cleaning up the mess that you made

without creating an even bigger mess in the form of a lawsuit.

So could we just try one take where we stick to the script?

Yeah. Sure. Right. No problem.

- Are we ready? - Still rolling.

Ow.

Hello. I'm Grace Hanson.

Uh, line?

My God!

That's lunch, people.

Okay, I'm liking it with the new blocking.

And... windmill.

Good!

Now, Oliver.

Uh... I'm sorry, wait. Uh...

Peter, look, I know this was a stroke of genius,

but don't you think this staging is a little distracting?

I'm getting hit by the windmill, for God's sakes.

Yes! Perfect! Use it!

How do you propose I do that?

The confusion, too. Use it. Use all of it.

I'm calling a ten!

Oh.

Peter, if I could...

I actually have a note for you.

A note? I'm sorry, Sol.

I was not aware you had completed 14 months of post-baccalaureate work

in stage direction from a school that unfortunately lost its accreditation.

I thought that was me.

Oh, wait.

Hmm.

That was me!

How about the next time Jeff kicks you out,

you pay for a hotel like a damn adult.

Continue.

Look, you need to go easier on Robert. He's been having a hard time lately.

I'm trying to get the best out of him.

We don't just give out participation trophies here, Sol.

Well, actually, yes, we do.

Clifford makes them, they are adorable, but that is beside the point.

Have you thought that maybe your directing style

is actually responsible for Robert's listless performance?

Um...

I have definitely fucking not.

Then you definitely fucking should.

You just don't understand what I do as a tyrannical director.

Why don't you try being less of a tyrant and more of a human being?

You're treating your friend like shit...

and he doesn't deserve it.

Where is this coming from, Sol?

I know this is foreign to you. I'm standing up for my husband...

a man you are lucky to have to direct.

Really, he's doing this as a favor to you.

A favor?

A good director would've made him Don Quixote.

He shouldn't even be playing Sancho.

You know what?

You're right.

Robert?

You're fired.

...as we move forward to a brighter tomorrow.

- Isn't that right, Frankie? - Well...

Thank you. And God bless.

Well, I have a few notes.

First, it's not good and I hate it.

Well, I think we both agree that Joan-Margaret didn't direct Boogie Nights.

But this will pay off, trust me.

Fine. So, what's next?

What do you mean?

We did the video, so now what? What's the next step?

There is no next step. This is a one-step thing.

But we said in the video that we're working on dynamic solutions.

What are the "dynamic solutions"?

There are none.

I don't understand.

Remember when you promised Coyote a mansion if he got straight A's?

That was a dynamic solution.

No, no, no. We are not going to lie to our customers!

Hey, hey, you said lie.

That's your word.

But we promised them...

I didn't promise them anything. You did!

And you know something, I am sick and tired of having to bail you out.

Oh, said the woman who wouldn't actually bail me out when I bit that cowboy.

It was a mounted police officer.

And where was your concern for our customers

when you promised them something you can't deliver on?

Cut me some slack, I was high.

Wait a minute. You...

You did something that could cost us our company 'cause you were high?

Yeah, that's what I just said.

What are you doing?

I'm doing what needed to be done. I'm posting it.

Hey, Liz.

So, I think that I left, um...

my nice blue...

whatever at your place.

I can't think of anything. I'm coming in.

Please do.

So Barry told me what happened,

and I know it's because I talked to Liz and I ragged on Barry,

and if I said anything to change your minds,

please do not listen to me because I am an idiot and Barry is great.

You are so sweet.

- That is really not it at all. - No. Nope.

Oh, thank God!

I thought...

Uh... it is because of the Jewish thing?

- What? No. Oh, my God, no. - No, no, no.

No, it turns out that the first guy that we asked to donate came through.

Oh, good.

Wait, Barry wasn't your first choice?

Don't get me wrong, we love Barry,

but there was this other friend that I did Outward Bound with.

We thought he was gonna move to Europe. He realized he can model from anywhere.

Yeah.

Brianna, this guy is really something.

He's just...

really something.

His name is Cooper Bradley, funnily enough.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - Isn't that funny?

So you tell Barry that you're going to have a baby with him,

then tell him to go fuck himself

just because some other hot piece of semen comes rolling along?

- Just show her. I don't know. - Okay. Which one?

Mm-hmm.

- Let me see. - Okay.

All right. Yes, sure.

Fine, if you like this sort of thing, but...

Wow.

Look, we love... We love him. We do. We love Barry.

But this guy's stuff, he's just...

- It's primo. - Mm-hmm.

That's what it is.

You want primo?

Barry has never once hogged the bed.

He rubs my feet at least three times a week of his own volition.

He calls his mother once a week even though she's insufferable.

He is smart, but he doesn't brag about it.

He's handsome, but he doesn't act like it.

And he cries at movies like Conspiracy Theory.

- It's not that we... - This Cooper, though incredibly handsome,

- please send me that picture... - Sure.

...is he a Barry?

You guys are going to do an amazing job at raising this kid,

but it takes a village as the should-be President once said.

And should you need another person in that village, Barry will be there.

Will Cooper Bradley?

And if there are any photos of him on a horse...

I do have a horse thing, so please send those along.

Hey.

- The darnedest thing just happened. - Barry, we talked about darnedest.

Yeah. Erin called me and they suddenly want my sperm again.

Huh.

You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?

Nope.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I love you.

Yeah, you're all right.

Oh.

Oh, we're drinking in the morning. We must be celebrating something.

We are going to the Maldives.

- Yes! Hey! - Yes.

To dynamic solutions!

Do you want to see the video?

The language is extremely vague.

I say synergy not once, but twice.

- Stop. Save some for later. - Come here.

Good thing I'm not wearing a sarong.

Hello. I'm Grace Hanson.

And I'm Frankie Bergstein.

- And we're Vybrant. - And we're Vybrant.

And we'd like to apologize for the previous video that was released.

We both realized it was a mistake the second we sent it out,

and we are sorry.

Oh, my God. Frankie recut the video.

We made a big promise to send free vibrators and donuts

to 50,000 ladies.

Isn't that right, Grace?

That's right... Frankie!

Oh.

And don't we owe it to each and every one of these people

to fulfill our promise?

That's right... Frankie!

And Grace, one more question.

Don't we sometimes sneak into each other's bedrooms at night

to kiss each other on the mouth?

That's right... Frankie!

I don't believe it.

Really?

Because I'm new to this whole relationship and I'd have put money on it.

I can't believe she did this.

It's fine, we can go to the Maldives when we're dead.

I'll call my travel guy.

Nick.

How soon can we leave for the Maldives?

I could have the plane gassed up by the time we get to the airport.

I wanna go now. Right now.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Fuck it.

♪ It hasn't felt quite right Like it did the other night ♪

♪ Lay back down We'll give it one more try ♪

♪ You're gonna try and sleep All your troubles away ♪

♪ You'll just wake up With even less to say ♪

♪ You gotta run for your life You gotta run towards the moon ♪

♪ You gotta run real hard You're gonna drop dead soon ♪

♪ You wanna play ♪

♪ Play that game ♪

♪ So cry me a river ♪

♪ I've been found ♪

Okay, good night.