All language subtitles for Grace.and.Frankie.S05E08.720p.WEBRip.X264-METCON

♪ Well, I don't know
Why I came here tonight ♪

♪ Got the feelin'
That somethin' ain't right ♪

♪ I'm so scared
In case I fall off my chair ♪

♪ And I'm wondering
How I'll get down the stairs ♪

♪ And there's clowns to the left of me
Jokers to the right ♪

♪ Here I am
Stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

So... how does this baby
compare to your yurt?

Similar. Less exploded.

Oh, I miss yurting.

It's much more honest
than living in a... beach house.

Huh?

Now, let's rustle up some breakfast.

Yeah!

Oh.

What a view.

Ah.

And that's why corporations are people.

- What in God's name?
- You disagree?

No, Frankie's back
and she's dug up Jerry Garcia.

Grace, Nick. 'Sup?

- 'Sup with the tiki-hut?
- What's up with your face?

This is the woman I was telling you about.

I thought you said her hair was snakes.

She has notes on my hair?

My name's Nick.

My hair's hair. My shoes are snakes.

Leo. My shoes are feet.

Now that all the unpleasantries
are done.

No, but really?

You... You disappear for two days
without so much as a phone call?

I was at the ashram.

I gathered as much
when I called the ashram

and they said you were there.

I needed space to heal
after my harrowing escape

from this spiderweb of lies.

That was my fault. I'm having Dr. Joe
send over some apology acid.

Leo and I are on a trip of our own now,
thanks.

But we never turn down acid.

- Right. Right.
- Hmm.

Oh, gosh, we are so in step.

And you're already sharing clothes.

Along with the portable shanty town.

- Is it a FEMA tent?
- It's a yurt.

It's Leo's.

And the blankets are mostly yours.

So you two are a thing now?

Don't try to slap
your heteronormative cis labels on us.

And yes, we are a thing.

All I know is that this magical woman
shook something loose in me.

Yeah, I'll bet it was loose
before Frankie came on the scene.

Oh, ignore her, Leo. She doesn't get it.
She never will.

And you better have bought
the groceries I like.

- Know what's funny about us?
- Hmm?

We pay the same in taxes.

Frankie?

I'm sorry we tried to trick you.
You know, I was worried about you.

Oh, because my hand was tired?

Ta-da!

The only thing
that's a tremor now is my heart.

Yeah, I can see that a lump of patchouli
could do that to you.

Look, you just met this guy.

I've known him since I was in pigtails.

- What?
- I rocked pigtails well into my 30s.

Well, how long is Leo's yurt
going to rock my patio?

I hate to break it to you,

but the last time Leo parked it somewhere,
it stayed put for 30 years.

Thank God I'm not gonna live that long.

Know what, Grace?

I went to Sambadha looking for something,

and I just may have found it.

In a barefoot guru?

That's how I take my guru.

Look, I like Leo.

It's new, and I'd appreciate your support.

Yeah. Like you supported me
when Nick and I were new?

Nick has always been
my favorite Koch brother.

♪ Hail
Knight of the woeful countenance ♪

♪ Knight of the woeful countenance ♪

♪ Wherever you go ♪

♪ People will know ♪

♪ Of the glorious deeds ♪

♪ Of the Knight of the woeful ♪

♪ Countenance ♪

I don't know what is
so interesting on your phone, Peter.

A Zappos sale that should take us
straight into break.

Yep, quick ten, everybody!

Who needs some vocal chord therapy?

Oh, yay, Sol's here!

Yay, his shirt is screaming at us.

Are you sure it's not belting at you?

Where did my belt go?

I think it ran away from your shirt.

You know who I saw on
Grindr yesterday?

- Matt Bomer.
- Who?

Why would Matt Bomer be on Grindr
in San Diego?

I saw that guy from Riverdale on Grindr
at my doctor's office.

I go to my doctor's office all the time.

Where I read a very tantalizing exposé

about Hollywood's original Latin Lover.

Mmm, Selena Gomez?

He was Argentinian.

- Pope Francis!
- Evita?

Oh, come on.

Fernando Lamas!

The Merry Widow?

Peter, you remember Fernando Lamas.

Don't pull me down with you.

So, do you miss this?
You miss all this J. Crew?

Hey, it's Wet Seal for Men.

It's the same look as year-2000 Barry.

That's the exact same shirt
that he wore at his Y2Kegger

- where... we bowled.
- Epic New Year's.

Why does he always want bowl
on New Year's?

- So are we gonna see Liz or...
- No. She's gonna be late.

She's judging
a synchronized swimming tournament.

I think we're all judging that.

- Yeah.
- Hey, that is a very competitive sport.

- Calm down.
- No, she wanted to be here,

because we have some news.

We have...
decided

to do our part to over-populate the world.

Oh, my God, you're pregnant!

Calm down.

Not yet, but hopefully soon.

Holy shit, that's awesome.

I know. Yeah.

So, which one of you is gonna,
you know...

Me. She called "not it" first.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, it's okay. I've been looking
for an excuse to let myself go.

Me too.

So, I have a big question for you.

Are you...

Are you gonna ask me to be the godfather?
Because that is an a...

- Don't do your Marlon Brando impression.
- I've been working on it.

It's better.

I've heard you. It is not.

I'm actually asking you to be the father.

What?

I'm sorry. I'm the slightest bit drunk.
What did you just say?

Liz and I would like your sperm.

Robert, you have guests,
they can hear you swearing in here.

Well, I don't give a flippin' dang!

Are you being perhaps
just a tad immature?

If I were, I'd fit in better.

So it's a younger crowd...

they speak a different language.

If you wanted, you could win them over.

With what?
A sailor suit and a giant lollipop?

That would get their attention.

But I was thinking
of something more like drinkies.

Whatever happened to drinkies?

Well, when Peter got his third DUI,
we thought it best to put a pin in it.

So, take the pin out.

Don't know. I'm pretty sure
he's banned from all the ride-share apps.

Then it's decided. We'll host.

Now... go back out there, Robert.

Go get 'em!

Good gracious, Sol. You sound
like a high school football coach.

Miss Schutzer.

I wonder whatever happened to her.

So this is how Leo sees Frankie.

She said it's her essence.

Her essence is leaking
all over your floor.

Well, then he nailed it.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God!

There's a naked hippie in my pool.

At least he's getting a rinse.

We're surrounded on all sides.

A circus tent
blocking my ocean view

and this diphtheria epidemic
in my courtyard.

So let's stay at my places
for a few days.

Give them some space.

I'm worried she'll explode something.

And if history is any indicator,

the beach house is
well within the yurt's blast radius.

Why are you so worked up?
Frankie met her match.

If she has someone...
it could be good for us.

Yeah, but it may not be good for her.

Doesn't he set off your bullshit detector?

No more than Frankie does,
and she's harmless.

Yeah, but I know Frankie.

I don't know him at all.

The last time we questioned her judgment,
it only pissed her off.

Let's get to know the guy.

Maybe you'll warm up to him
like Frankie warmed up to me.

You know who else she warmed up to?
Jim Jones!

- She's low-hanging fruit!
- Hey.

You might be right to worry.
We don't know Leo.

But I do know that if you don't cool it,
Frankie ends up with him...

I know.

I could lose her.

So give him a chance.

Cannonball!

Well, now we know he's not circumcised.

There's your icebreaker.

Thanks, all, for this
marginally productive use of our time.

Uh... Uh, fellas.

If all of you are free
after rehearsal tomorrow night,

how would you like
to come over for drinkies?

It's a New Lear Theatre tradition...
of drinking.

Too much, some might say.

And in Peter's case,
the state of California would agree.

And Nevada. I'm in.

Alcohol does numb my leg pain.

Shall we say eight o'clock?

So I love the area that we're in here,

but guess who's making
a surprise appearance

tomorrow night at Club Rampage?
It's Ke$ha!

Shut up! Ke$ha's my Britney!

Yeah. So, drinkies with Ke$ha?

But... parking is free here.

Everything is free here.

And there's parking.

Robert, it's Ke$ha.
Stop sleeping on Ke$ha!

You're going.

Ke$ha is a recording artist, yes?

I can't tell if you're joking or sad.

Yes.

Mmm.

I want to meet the wizard

that made that chicken parmigiana
out of vegetables and bird seed.

I just want to meet any wizard.

Oh, you have powers of your own.

You pushed a button on a phone,

20 minutes later,
this vegan feast appeared.

It's called Postmates and I invented it,

but I didn't tell anyone I invented it,
so then someone else did.

If I knew all this was a button away...

Oh.

That's why I've gone soft.

I've been sleeping with the enemy
and eating with the enemy

and letting the enemy do my taxes.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

You didn't have the spartan life
of the ashram to keep you honest.

Well, something has got to snap me out
of this beautiful bourgeois nightmare.

Something's got to keep me
from getting lured into it,

'cause I'm really
getting into Ray Donovan.

- Oh, well, Liev Schreiber is so...
- Oh!

...multi-talented and hand...
- Yeah, yeah.

Nice try, Satan!

Damn it.

If we want our lives
to be about something bigger,

we need to drill down
to what's most important to us.

How can we do that?

Cacao.

Hell yes.

I was just doing the exact same thing
at my desk.

Well, I don't pay you
to play with fidget spinners.

I haven't paid myself in many months.

Of course you haven't. That's why
everyone wants to have a baby with you.

Look... I get that this is a big deal.

It's a big deal.

Erin is my oldest friend.

Thought your mom
was your oldest friend.

For your information,
my dad is my oldest friend,

my mom is my first girlfriend.

Boy, who wouldn't want
your genetic material?

Oh, come on. I'm tall. I'm smart.
And technically, I have two girlfriends.

Okay, what happens when this kid
grows up and asks who their father is?

You heard Erin.

I'm Uncle Barry.

I'm only as involved as I want to be.

You're always involved.

You're on the neighborhood watch
for places you don't live.

You always have time
for anyone with a clipboard.

They work so hard.

You'll teach this girl
how to play catch

or buy this little boy his first dress.

What about when he grows up?

This is a fuck-ton to ask of someone.

I know it's a fuck-ton to ask of you.

So don't do it.

Look, when we got together for real,

I took the idea of having kids,
tucked it away on a shelf in the garage.

And I'm okay with that
because I want to be with you.

You have no idea how much
I appreciate you doing that for me.

But now I have this chance to,

in some small way,

be a dad.

And it might be my only shot.

Has the space been cleansed?

Spiritually, yes, but the wine stain
that looks like Ernest Borgnine

is there for life, I'm afraid.

- I have the sacred vessel.
- Oh.

- Did you wash the chili out of it?
- Yes.

Did you by chance do all the dishes?

They haven't seen us.
Quick, let's jump out the window.

Come on. You can do this.

Well, what's going on here?

You having a fondue party?

Oh, Grace. What you don't know
could fill your crystal vase,

which I broke earlier today
and I'm sorry.

That's okay, I'm sure another one
of my grandmothers will die.

Anyway...

We were hoping the two of you
would join us for dinner tonight.

You know, at that very nice
vegan place on the shore.

Postmates? It's delicious.

Unfortunately, it's called Branch.

Unfortunately, it's called Bark.
I heard Moby eats there.

Oh, yes, I know. I've seen
the blurry pictures of him on Yelp.

- So?
- We can't.

We're having a cacao ceremony.

That's our cue.

To say that sounds like fun and...

Maybe we could join you.

For a journey into your soul?

Man, you must really want
to get back on my good side.

Lady Cacao does welcome all searchers.

Then it's a date. Super!

So what do we do?
Stick our hands in it or what?

Your mind hands.

Oh, fuck.

This is ceremonial-grade cacao:

raw, bitter,

and blessed in the ancient Mayan tradition

by Shaman Brad.

So, it's chocolate.

Great, I'm a fiend.

I stash Godiva bars on all my help,
just to have it on hand.

If you both are done,
Lady Cacao would like your attention.

Before we drink, we must each
set an intention for our lives.

A what?

Just write down something you want
and stick it in the bowl.

Hope I got this ratio right.

The last time I did this,
it was for 400 people.

- Are any of those people still alive?
- A good amount.

To Lady Cacao.

Wait. Anything in here
will interfere with my statins?

This is drug free and non-psychoactive.

Yep, totally cool.

Hmm.

Y'all, I just found this molly
on the floor of the party bus!

I'm gonna take it!

- My God.
- Robert, you made it!

Yes, I should have known the entrance
would be an unmarked door in an alley.

A break-dancing twink kicked me
in the head. It was incredible.

It sounds great.

Someone threw up on a table, but
as soon as they clean it off, it's ours.

I'll be right in.
I'm just going to take some "Polly."

Okay.

Hey, Daddy, can I direct you
to the grown-ups' table?

Oh, no, don't be fooled!

Bar's open.

Newcomers get a free cheeseburger
with their first drink.

Can I have a scotch on the rocks, please?

You know,
they were roommates for 12 years.

"Confirmed bachelors."

I understand Cary Grant confirmed things
with a few handsome bachelors.

Some of those confirmations
began right here.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, I'll be.

Have you by any chance
ever heard of Fernando Lamas?

Oh, sure.

I was so jealous
of his affair with Lana Turner

that I gave her a mustache
in my Legends of Hollywood calendar.

My mother took my copy away.

Didn't work, Ma.
I'm talking to a man in leather.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Is my dad here?
He's not answering his phone,

and I need someone to tell me
it's okay to be selfish.

I'm afraid he's at a club.

Sorry, I asked where my dad is.

An outing with his theater group.
They're seeing Ke$ha!

Okay.

- Bye, Sol.
- No, no, what's going on?

Just...

You know, Barry's friend asked for
his sperm and I'm gonna go kill myself.

Oh, that old chestnut.

Yeah, so...

- Anyway...
- Want to see my new dog?

No, thank you.

- Want to break into your dad's scotch?
- Yes.

I'll take a peek at that dog, too.

Oh, thank you for going with me
on that Five Elements Dance journey.

And thank you
for putting your fingers in my mouth.

That was a little weird.

Now that our hearts are open,
time to share our life intentions.

Oh, I
wasn't aware we were sharing.

Well, it would be a pretty stupid ceremony
if we didn't read them aloud, Grace.

Oh, that's the stupid part.

Just for that, you're gonna go first.

No, I'll go.

"I'd love to get the SEC off my back."

Why is the SEC on your back?

'Cause they're a bunch of nerds.

Wow, I've never heard the SEC
mentioned in a cacao ceremony before.

I thought this
was supposed to be a safe space.

Leo is just not used
to breaking bread with capitalists.

Is there bread? 'Cause I got to say,
this chocolate isn't sitting right.

None of this is sitting right.

Let me show you how it's done.

"I want to start living a life
I will be proud of in the end."

What's that supposed to mean?

Maybe I've taken a wrong turn.

You mean with me?

I'm the wrong turn you took?

I'm just being honest.

You want to see honesty?

"I want to get through this caca ceremony
without killing Frankie."

I'm gonna take Leo outside and explain
to him why it's better to be outside.

Now that you're up.

Thanks a lot.

Oh, I'm sorry!

Am I doing your bullshit ceremony wrong?

Am I losing points because I didn't bring
my own dirty yurt or seeping bust?

No, you're losing points because you
don't take me seriously, as is your wont.

No, Frankie, what I don't take seriously

is looking for answers
in terrible chocolate.

I take you very seriously.

Then why can't you understand
I'm searching for something?

I do. I just don't understand why you're
searching for it everywhere but here.

If it were here,
I would've found it already.

You can't even find your glasses
when they're on top of your head!

I'm talking about something with meaning.
Something that matters.

I thought you and I
were doing something with meaning.

You know, I thought helping
older women masturbate mattered.

It does.

I thought we mattered.

We do.

Well, then stop acting like we don't.

Have Erin and her wife
considered a sperm bank?

Nah, they want to know the guy,
which, I guess, is a thing.

Barry's a catch.

He's so nice and funny and tall.
What is he, six-foot-four?

Sol, I already have lesbians
after him. Don't need you as well.

He wants to do this though, right?

Yes, but Barry also thought he wanted
to be a fedora guy for a while.

Oh, God, I remember.

Maybe show Erin some pictures of that?

Erin. Agh.

I hope she gets hit by a plane.

Sorry, I didn't mean that.

Why do I all of a sudden hate this woman?
I've always liked her.

She knows how to bag on Barry.

'Cause this is a primal thing
you're dealing with.

And I've been
all caught up in that before.

When Frankie and I were trying
to have kids and couldn't...

it almost broke us up.
We didn't know where to turn.

See? Exactly. It's the kind of stuff
that breaks people up.

And if Barry does this for Erin,
they will share this crazy bond.

And I'll always be on the outside.

No, you won't.

Because you and Barry will always have

this incredible thing
that you did for him.

It'd be pretty incredible of me, huh?

Yes, it would.

Never been the generous one
in a relationship before.

And you still won't be.

Good.

She totally Wizard of Oz'd me.

It turns out the thing I was looking for
was here the whole time.

Cacao never lies.

I know.

We never read your intention.

It was,
"I want to help Frankie find her way."

Oh.

You did.

I guess my work is done here.

Sambadha is calling.

I want to give you something.

Your left eye.

In gratitude for bringing me to clarity.

Thank you. That is really moving.

Of course, you realize I can't hang it
'cause I don't have any walls.

Well, then give it back to me.

- I couldn't possibly...
- Oh!

I notice I'm not in vogue
with the dress code here.

May I ask how you came to leather?

Most of my life
I was treated as if I wasn't a real man

because I like men.

Then a few years ago,
a friend introduced me to this,

and it just felt right.

I was finally able
to express my masculinity

in a way that made sense to me.

I guess I'm making up for lost time now.

Well, theater was my leather...

until my junior thespian friends

- tried to take me to Rampage.
- Ow!

That place isn't for anyone
who remembers both Darrins.

It certainly wasn't for me.

Ah, let the young enjoy their youth.

As long as I can enjoy my old age
in a place like this.

You should have seen this in its heyday.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

There was a big piano
and everyone would sing and dance.

The worse, the better.

He says that because he was the worse.

Boy, I wish I was here then.

Of course, I would have been
one of those confirmed bachelors.

But it's nice the way it is now, too.

Well, enjoy it while you still can.

It's closing down for good next month.

No, I live here now.

Oh.

Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

A little help, please!

What the hell are you doing?

What does it look like?

I'm putting my head
down the garbage disposal.

Let me do the honors.

Be my guest.

Oh, no! We have to do it right.

Goodbye, head. Goodbye, head.

Now you.

Goodbye, head. Goodbye, head.

Ah! It was really an amazing likeness.

I see the yurt's gone.

And with it,
its most enigmatic inhabitant.

Are you okay with that?

It was time for him to go.

Thank you for kicking me in the ass.

Hey, I'm ready to kick anytime.

You do realize that
you've destroyed our disposal, right?

Goodbye, head. Goodbye, head.
Goodbye, head. Goodbye, head.

Goodbye, head.
Goodbye, head. Goodbye, head.

♪ Everything will be all right
This morning ♪

♪ Everything will be all right tonight ♪

♪ Everything will be all right
This morning ♪

♪ Everything gonna be all right ♪

♪ I caught some flak
And it near had me buried ♪

♪ I stank of failure and it did me in ♪

♪ I was ready to crawl down in a bucket ♪

♪ Swim with the maggots
Of the garbage bin ♪

♪ Wait up ♪

♪ Someone shouting
From the skies up above me ♪

♪ I had to, had to peek over the rim ♪

♪ Lo and behold! An angel before me ♪

♪ Singing the words of Carole King ♪

♪ When you're down
You've got a friend ♪

♪ Get up and sing ♪

Okay, good night.