All language subtitles for Grace.and.Frankie.S05E05.720p.WEBRip.X264-METCON

♪ Well, I don't know
Why I came here tonight ♪

♪ Got the feelin'
That somethin' ain't right ♪

♪ I'm so scared
In case I fall off my chair ♪

♪ And I'm wondering
How I'll get down the stairs ♪

♪ And there's clowns to the left of me
Jokers to the right ♪

♪ Here I am
Stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

Frankie. Frankie, where are my keys?

Where we hang the oven mitts.

Well, then where are the oven mitts?

Joan-Margaret put them in the freezer
to make arthritis mitts.

She called it a "life hack."

Well, she's really been
hacking my life to pieces these days.

- Did she at least get more coffee?
- Oh, hmm.

Um, I don't know. Let me check.

Mm...

No. Listen to this,

next to paper towels,
she's just written no.

A classic J.M. riddle.

What do you think it means?

I think it means
you're doing errands today.

- That's not a fun riddle!
- Okay, how about...

What's swaddled in tie-dye and going
to the grocery store and the pharmacy?

David Crosby.

A cool baby.

My lost Tamagotchi.

Frankie, I'm down to my last three pills,
which means so are you.

Joke's on you,
I have been out of pills for days.

No, you haven't,
because I crushed them up in your cereal.

I thought my blood felt strangely thin.

Look, I've got work.
Somebody has to get this done.

But I just got three seconds
added to a traffic light.

I shouldn't get a list of chores.

I should get a giant key to the city
to open giant doors...

to let in more justice.

We're also out of cookie butter.

On my way.

I'm back.

Thought you were taking a walk.

I did.

I walked to the car,
I walked into the donut shop...

What about your diet?
You were doing so great.

Yes, well, that was when I thought
I was playing Don Quixote...

before Peter betrayed me.

Now I'm Sancho,
the plump and jolly sidekick.

These dogs used to be plump and jolly...

before their humans betrayed them.

You know, I agreed to get a dog
because you miss Norman so much.

Why don't you get a Norman?

Wow.

Good idea, right?

No. That "wow" was short for

"I can't believe you'd think
I'm the kind of monster

who would buy a dog from a breeder

when there are
millions of rescues who need homes."

That's what "wow" is short for?
Hmm.

I guess I've been using it wrong
all these years.

Look at Robinson.

He was left in a dumpster.

And Cadillac's owners died.

Who's gonna take a geriatric Pit Bull?

And how about brave little Cissy?

She had half her teeth removed...

but she's still smiling.

Sweetheart, just pick a dog. Any dog.

You can't keep doing this
to yourself or me.

But mainly you. But also me.

You're right.

I'll try to narrow it down.

Thank you.

Oh, God!

Biscuit was just found
in a Costco parking lot.

He was drinking
from a tipped-over can of Fanta!

Excuse me... sir.

- Excuse me, are you Coyote Bergstein?
- Hmm.

The one and only, except for that one
in Toronto that I...

Oh!

Oh.

- Were there any other questions?
- When they say,

"It could cause murderous thoughts,"
what are the odds?

Can you believe this amateur?

Most people take that list of side effects
and throw it out when they get home.

Ma'am, I need you to honor the privacy
zone in front of the footprints.

Of course. Sorry.

I'm so sorry about that.

So, what are you in for? Lipitor? Fosamax?

- Januvia.
- Warfarin.

Been there, took that.

So, this is what we do now?

Wait in line to get pills that keep us
well enough to wait in more lines?

Third prescription this week.

You do this three times a week?
How do you stand it?

I don't. I sit it.

Look, I love magic
as much as the next guy,

but I have better things
to do with my time.

Me too. I'm missing my stories.

I could be with my granddaughter.

I don't really have
anything else going on.

Just for the record, I'm ignoring you.
You're not ignoring me.

Interesting choice.

Ignoring me by running over here
and telling me you're ignoring me.

Want to see how I do it?

Thought we were ignoring each other.

Well, you seem really torn up about that.

What the hell is your problem?

My problem is the Penelope Cruz knockoff
I met on her way to your penthouse.

You went to my penthouse? Why?

Because...

Because Frankie thought you
bought the beach house.

And you were coming over
to yell at me for that?

'Cause that's our problem.

You yelling at me for things
people shouldn't get yelled at for.

No. That is not our problem.

Our problem is, how could you
sleep with someone so quickly?

What makes you so sure I slept with her?

Oh... didn't you?

We all mourn in different ways.

- Unbelievable.
- You know what's unbelievable?

For a moment, I actually considered
buying Walden Villas to be with you.

But old people complain too much.

You want quiet tenants and nice profits?

Buy a minimum security prison near D.C.

How can you make jokes?

Do you have any idea
how I felt when I saw that girl?

I mean, we had just broken up.

Let's be clear. "We" didn't break up.

You broke up with me which
you'd been trying to do for months.

- That's not true.
- Yes, it is.

I tried every possible way to show you
how much I wanted to be with you.

That I didn't care
about the age difference.

You're the one who couldn't let it go.

So, congratulations. You did it.

You finally pushed me away.

Come on, I have somewhere to be.

Let the older folks go ahead.

What would Wolverine do
for an older Wolverine?

I have no idea. I abhor tent-pole movies.

You've got young legs,
you can stand longer than us.

I need my Accutane.
I'm not going to NYU a virgin.

Yes, you are.

This is taking forever.
Could you ask them to start another line?

No. I'm a security guard.

But you have any idea what it's like

to stand in one place all day
but not go anywhere?

Yes. I'm a security guard.

Oh.

Tut-tut-tut.

It's okay. I was here before.

Yes, but you left, and you didn't
ask anyone to save your place.

You heard me, "Save my place", right?

You're gonna leave NYU a virgin, too.

Oh.

- That's a beautiful dog.
- Oh, thanks.

He's Harry. I'm Audrey.

Sol.

Harry, say hello to Sol.

Aw.

Which dog is yours?

Uh... Rascal's pretty shy.

He likes to do his business
on the other side of the park.

They're real sticklers
about going off-leash here.

Get him if you don't want a fine.

I would, but I didn't actually
bring Rascal today.

Oh.

Mainly because there isn't a Rascal.
I brought the leash

so I wouldn't look like the weirdo
who comes to a dog park without a dog.

It's less weird
to bring a leash with no dog?

Oh, God. Are you that flasher?

No, no, no. They caught that guy.

Oh, okay.

Truth is, I'm here
for a bit of inspiration.

I really wanna get a dog of my own,
but I just can't seem to pick one.

I get that.

Not the leash,
but getting a pet is a big deal.

But I think you know when you know.
You know?

I wish Robert understood that.

Is Robert another pretend dog?

No, he's a man.

A real man.

My man.

Oh!

Oh.

This is all I want.

Just a sweet, little snuggler
like you, Harry.

Yes, you are. You are a snuggler.

- I actually do know of a great dog.
- Really?

Yeah, my friend is trying
to find someone to take Harry's brother.

You mean there's another one
just like him?

I hate to admit it,
but Carl's even sweeter.

This is fate.

I'm looking for a dog. I meet you.
I'm not a flasher.

You know a wonderful dog
who needs a home.

It's not that amazing.
We are in a dog park.

- True.
- Yeah.

- So you want to meet him?
- Yes, please.

You will not be sorry,
my friend is the best breeder in town.

Looks like the swelling's down.

Thanks, Mal.

Funny they call it a black eye.

It's more like a blueish-purple.

- Like a dark magenta?
- That you're trying to figure out?

Not why a polite teen stepped out
of nowhere and punched me in the face?

You sure
he isn't one of your students

who's upset that you gave
the clarinet solo to somebody else?

None of my marching band kids
punch that hard. Except Terry.

But he's Mr. Salt's problem now.

Turns out, when you come back from LA,

you get demoted to middle school band,

and Mr. Salt is the rising star
at the high school.

Okay, let's try to think
through this logically.

Who would be that mad at you?

You've got to be more specific.

I mean, are we talking friends,
neighbors, Brianna?

All right.

Who was the last person who hit you?

Are we talking
closed-fist, slaps, Brianna?

Okay, I think we're getting
off track here.

What could you have done
to make this kid so angry?

I don't know.

You know, I haven't done anything
punch-worthy since I got sober.

What was the most punch-worthy
thing you did

before you got sober?

- Driving on your lawn comes to mind.
- Yeah.

You know, but other than that,
it was mostly just, like,

wham-bamming a bunch of ma'ams
and then not thanking them.

Nice.

Wait, you think this kid
has something to do with that?

- How would he have something to do with...
- Well, how irresponsible were you?

Oh, God.

Wait, you think...

Could he be your son?

Your call is important to us.

- Someone will be with you shortly.
- Eff you, robot.

Can you believe this bullshit?

I called the pharmacy
to complain about their lines,

and some robot puts me on hold,
as if hold isn't another digital line.

Uh-huh.

Grace, are you listening to me?

Uh-huh.

I know why you're distracted.

Because you won't stop talking
about robots?

No. I'm riveting.

You're upset because of Nick.

- He was incredibly rude.
- Not buying it, sister.

When people are rude to you,

you banish them
to the studio without queso.

This is something else.

This is hurt with a tinge of regret.

Go to your studio without queso.

Oh, I struck a nerve.

Ah. It's okay to admit you miss him.

I don't miss him.

It was easier not to miss him...
when I didn't see him.

But what does it matter?

I blew it. It's over.

It's not over.

It's just the part of the movie
where you have to run through the airport.

I really don't have the knees for that.

I'm talking about doing something big
to win him back.

Even if I could,

I've never pursued a man. I...

I don't know how.

Well, thank Gal Gadot you have me.

Back in the day,
I had to woo Sol pretty hard.

Really?

You had to woo a man that wears sandals
made out of truck tires?

Oh, scoff all you want.

He was a Woodstock nine.

Maybe a nine-and-a-half
without the sandals.

Okay, I'll bite.

How did you woo Sol?

I climbed through his window,
covered his apartment floor with flowers.

Yeah. Again, the knee issue.

I placed a classified ad that said,
"Hey, Sol, come and get me."

This isn't helping.

It didn't help Sol, either.
I forgot to put my name and number.

Seriously, Frankie, what am I gonna do?

I don't know, but whatever it is,
you have to put yourself out there.

You might even have to sacrifice
your dignity a little.

But isn't it worth it
if you could get him back?

Hello, thanks for holding, this is Darren.

Uh... Yes, hello, Darren. It's about time.

You don't know me,
but I'm your worst nightmare.

I just fought City Hall and got
three seconds added to a crosswalk,

and I'm just one
sock puppet soliloquy away

from getting my granddaughter
to laugh for the first time.

So sorry, I'm going to have
to put you on hold again.

No, Darren.

Darren, don't do me like this.

Don't do me like this!

Who gave you that little goodie?

Who could abandon a face like that?

Let's not bring up abandonment.
It's an issue for him.

You know, I was a little worried about
getting a rescue, but Carl's so loving.

You picked a good one.

I'd say it's more like he picked me.

Then he picked a good one, too.

Oh, that's Oliver.

Peter begged me to coach him.

Surprise, surprise!

A 30-year-old doesn't quite have
the gravitas to play Don Quixote.

- You're not Oliver.
- Nope, I'm Bud.

- Of course you are.
- Hey, you finally picked a dog!

Yep, this is Carl.

What is he, a Jack Russell?

No.

No, no, no, no. He's a mutt.

Why'd you name him Carl?

Uh... Oh, because he was found
at a Carl's Jr.

I was found in a Carl's Jr. once.

Sol made me come home and eat carrots.

You sure this guy's a mutt?

Who can say without a full DNA panel?

But he's a rescue dog
who was found in a dumpster,

so, we absolutely
will never know for sure.

What are you doing here anyway?

Uh, you asked me to stop by
to pick up your old food processor.

Right, for the baby food.

Wow, Carl's already better behaved
than any rescues we ever had.

Mahatma ate the sleeves
off all my sweaters.

And who's eating all your sleeves now?

Hilarious from a guy in sweatpants.
Which shelter did you get him from?

Uh...

You know, the one we got
Jerry Garcia from.

Oh... I thought we found Jerr-Bear
at the Strawberry Festival.

Why are we standing around here
talking about strawberry festivals?

I thought you came over
to get a food processor.

- I did.
- Great.

So help me find
the fucking food processor.

- That's not it.
- Okay.

Hello, Nick.

You know, when people break up,
they usually see less of each other.

Oh, please, I still see my exes.
Robert and...

- I guess that's it.
- How did you even know I'd be here?

Well, how did you even know I'd be here?

Okay, I'm confused. What are we doing?

'Cause my lunch date's gonna be back
in a minute and...

...this isn't my job anymore.

I just wanna say that you were right.

I did push you away,

but, Nick, I've changed.

- You say that, b...
- No, I mean it.

And I'm better for you than whatever
age-inappropriate sorority girl

you're having lunch with.

Great, 'cause here she is.

You really only have
two types, don't you?

Grace, this is Cathleen.

- My mother.
- No.

So, are you joining us for dessert?

Oh, I don't know, Mom.

Grace, would you be comfortable with that?

Abso-tootin-lutely.

Hmm.

Jesus fuck.

Wait! Wait! Wait!

I think I might know why you're mad,

but is there anything I can say that'd
convince you not to hit me again?

No.

All right, I can't do it
with your face all scrunched up like that.

Want me to turn around or...

No! No! Just stop helping me.

I can't do it. You're too sad.

- Can I ask you...
- how old you are?

What? I'm 17. Why?

I'm trying to figure out if you could be
who I think you might possibly be.

I'm the guy whose family you broke up.

My dad read the emails
you sent my mom.

What emails?

You had an affair with my mom
and you don't remember?

If it was 17 years ago,
I don't remember much.

No, it was two years ago.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, thank God.

If those emails are
from two years ago, they're not from me.

You need to hit someone else.

No, I know my mom came here to see you.

She told us she'd go
to New York to see Kinky Boots,

but she came here for you.

Wait, is your mom's name Krystle?

So you do remember her?

Yeah.

But it's not what you think.

She's my mom.

- What?
- My birth mom.

And your mom.

She's both... our moms.

But she was my mom first.

And then she gave me up for adoption.

I don't understand.

You're my half-brother.

Jesus fuck.

Yeah.

Was Carl found at a Carl's Jr.
or in a dumpster?

It was a dumpster at a Carl's Jr.

But wasn't that other dog
on the rescue site found in a dumpster?

There are plenty of unfortunate
dumpster pups out there, Robert.

Too many.

Oliver, so relieved to see you.

- Relieved?
- No reason.

Oh, my! Who is this fancy little pup?

He's not a fancy pup!
He's a garbage pup!

Uh, are you sure?
He looks like he could be a show dog.

Man, he's got great conformation,

and the alignment with his forelegs
to his withers.

How do you know that?

Oh, my mother used to show
German shepherds.

Uh-oh!

And this guy has got perfect form.
Where'd you get him?

From a shelter, right, Dad?

"Adopt, don't shop."
"Buy a dog, kill a dog."

Isn't that what you always told us?

I miss veal.

Well, don't shelters
usually neuter the dogs?

Because this little guy
has still got his balls.

They're prosthetic. For his confidence.

Dad, enough.

Sol, spit it out.

Okay. He's not a rescue.

I got him from a breeder!

I looked at his furry little face
and I became a monster!

I'm Sol Bergstein and I paid $3,000
for a purebred show dog.

Wow. And to be clear,

that wow was short for
"Wow, sweetheart.

You're a huge hypocrite."

For that much, I hope he came with papers.

I get why you hate him.

Senior Fast Pass customer,
passing through.

Senior Fast Pass customer,
passing through.

You go ahead of me.
I don't have one of those passes.

Lucky for you, mine says "plus one".

Oh.

Oh, God, what is it now?

I've just been on the phone
with corporate.

And they are shocked
at your inhuman wait times

and they gave me this Fast Pass card
to make up for it.

So, prescription Bergstein,
Hanson and my new friend...

- Marie Slovatkin.
- Marie Slovatkin.

Security to the pharmacy, please.

I'm not with her, I swear.

Oh, way to fight the power, Marie.

So, we meet again.

We both knew we would.

I'll need you two ladies to step behind
the privacy footprints now.

But I have a Fast Pass.

Looks like an old lady went full-metal
bonkers in the arts and crafts aisle.

You gave me no choice.

Marie and I don't have time
to give up everything in our lives

to get the medicine we need.

You do know they have
mail-order prescriptions, right?

The post office? I'm already
three beefs deep with them.

I am not surprised by that.

Listen you, I could be
with my baby right now.

Not my baby, technically,
but spiritually.

So you go back there

and you get us our goddamn drugs.

If it will finally get rid of you, fine.

You know, this war was never about you.

I just want everyone to be happy.

Okay, I have Slovatkin and Hanson,

but Bergstein, we're out
of both your prescriptions.

You'll have to come back tomorrow.

You have got to be flippin' kidding me.

Don't think we've the kind
of relationship where we kid around.

Mom, Faith just laughed
for the first time!

Oh, no! Faith, do it again.

Quick, somebody get me a sock
and two googly eyes.

Okay, she's not doing it.

I'm sorry.
I promise you'll see the next laugh.

But it won't be her first.

Ah.

Uh, all right, let's see what's better.

To be honest, nothing could be worse
than this carrot cake.

You should leave. This is your nightmare.

Well, why are you saying that?

You told me you hoped
my mom had passed

so you'd never have a moment like this.

Yet here we are, and I'm loving it.

So, how do you two know each other?

Mom, this is Grace.

Remember, I told you?
The woman I was seeing.

Who are you, really?

Well, I'm Grace. I'm Nick's girlfriend.

Ex-girlfriend.

Well, we've had a few hiccups.

More like a fatal, full-body seizure.

Oh.

So, you two were, um... dating?

I know I'm not exactly
who you were picturing.

Well, no.

When Nicky said he was seeing
someone more mature for once,

I was thinking you were maybe 40,
not 40 times two.

Mom, she's not that old.

Funny story for later...

Mr. Skolka, I hope everything
was to your liking

and that you and your mother...

Well, she's the mother.
I mean, clearly she's the mother.

Because you look so much like him,

or he looks so much like you.

So, Cathleen,
what brings you to San Diego?

Oh, just seeing Nicky and my grandson.

Do you have grandkids?

Yes, I do. They're so, so precious.

I never met them.

I don't see them as much as I'd like to.

Oh, they live out of town?

No.

You two do have something in common.

Mom just recently moved
into a retirement community.

Of course, she called and told me
she was moving before she did it.

Well, I'm here to tell you in person that
I've moved out of my retirement community.

Oh, do you have a Richard, too?

Because we kicked our Richard out.

You shouldn't have to move.

Oh, no, it was a big mistake
to move there.

- Well, for me.
- Oh.

- It's perfect for some people, but...
- Hmm.

I made a lot of mistakes.

And so we agree.

- On that note, I have a plane to catch.
- But...

Mom, I'll see you when I get back.

Grace...

What was this?

No, wait, don't leave.

Nick, don't go.

Nick, I love you.

I know I've wasted a lot of our time,

but I know what I want to do
with the time we have left.

I want to do you.

Well, you know what I mean.

I do, yeah.

I'll see you, Grace.

You sure know how to crash a lunch.

Oh, thank you.

♪ O me o my ♪

♪ O me, o my ♪

♪ O me, o my ♪

♪ Frozen in time
O me, o my ♪

♪ Feel the death grip of fear
Wrap a claw around your petrified heart ♪

♪ Ain't no way to make you stay ♪

♪ You wanna run
And make a brand new start ♪

♪ On Mars ♪

♪ Feels like everywhere you go
Around the globe another terror awaits ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ And no matter what you change ♪

♪ All the pain and everything
Stays the same ♪

♪ O my ♪

♪ O me, o my ♪

Okay, good night.