Original subtitles

♪ Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight ♪

♪ Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right ♪

♪ I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair ♪

♪ And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs ♪

♪ And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right ♪

♪ Here I am Stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

Thank you for coming back, Stam,

considering Grace didn't hire you the first time.

No one ever hires me the first time.

And they never come crawling back.

I thought I smelled van.

What's he doing here?

He's here to save us from your contractor.

My contractor is just fine. And as soon as I get a hold of him--

We are living in filth and debris, and we have no running water.

You have to turn the water off to do construction.

You also have to turn it off to steal the pipes.

-Huh? -What?

Your guy stole the copper pipes.

It's a classic scam.

No, no. No, no, no, no, we did not get scammed.

You're right. Technically, it was you.

Grace Hanson is not someone who gets scammed.

Grace Hanson is the person who says to the person who gets scammed,

"Hey, idiot, you got scammed."

On the bright side, now you can fix the rodent problem.

What?

Oh, yeah. You got rat nests all up in there.

Grace, that's probably what happened to your necklace.

The one you're wearing as a bracelet?

Oh, my God.

Now, how did those crafty bastards manage that?

Oh.

What's the matter?

I can't sleep.

Can I, though?

Sorry.

Is this about Roy?

No. It's about Professor Harold Hill.

I can't seem to remember a word that man says.

You've got four days. It'll come to you. You just need to relax.

I'm out of relaxation.

You know what might help you relax?

That thing we haven't done for two months.

I don't want to watch The Carol Burnett Show right now.

Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

Do you want to go to the Tappy Awards again?

-Not really. -Well, I do.

No, sir, I am just asking for recommendations

from the last five houses you've worked on.

No, I am not trying to get "all up in your grill."

It's called due diligence, you stupid fuck!

So, we've got a new contractor?

No. I'm afraid to pick one.

You know, how am I supposed to trust myself anymore?

Why not get a recommendation from Nick?

He must know a good, overpriced contractor

who will steal our money honestly.

No, I'm lucky he's in Japan for this disaster.

A scammed old lady isn't exactly an aphrodisiac.

It is in Japan. They have vending machines that sell old-lady undies.

How could I be such a sucker?

At least you didn't get lost with your granddaughter.

Frankie, that's not on you.

None of that would have happened if Sol had gotten you alive already.

I know! I would have gotten back on time

and Bud would never have known anything about it.

Ooh.

What's the matter?

I've got this weird sensation in my boobs.

Ooh.

There it is.

Oh, I forgot Coyote's coming over. He wants to talk about something.

No, no, no, he cannot see this place!

-Why not? -Because he'll freak out

and then he'll freak all the other kids out.

And when they freak out, we get Panic Alerts.

Oh, that would not be good.

Especially since Bud already thinks I'm losing it.

Exactly.

When my daughters find out that I handed over ten grand

to somebody who helped themselves to our copper pipes,

they're gonna take my checkbook away and who knows what else.

What do we do?

Well, tell him not to come.

"I have come down with a bout of Ebola.

You may not want to see this."

Uh-oh.

"Ha-ha. Parking now."

-Hi! -Oh, hi!

Didn't they stop making those once we realized the sun was bad?

They sure did.

Good thing I held onto mine, right?

-What are you doing here? -And where are you going?

I gotta pee. I had three Red Bulls in the car.

-No! -No, you can't--

But I really gotta go...

Just go in the pool, like you did as a kid.

Nothing we haven't seen before.

Unfortunately.

-You know, I'll hold it for now. -Oh.

Um...

Hey, Grace, I kind of wanted to talk to my mom about something.

Could we have the courtyard?

Oh, Coyote, I assure you, I'm not listening.

So, what are you dying to talk about, honey?

Well, things have been going really good between me and Nadia lately.

- Such a sweet girl. - Get to the point.

And she just graduated makeup school,

so she's gonna move to LA.

She wants to work on one of the NCIS's.

-How exciting! -Send her our love.

And, Mom, I know this might be...

hard for you to hear...

Only at the pace you're saying it.

I've decided I'm gonna go with her.

You're moving?

Wow.

I'm gonna miss you so much.

I guess I'll just have to get used to the idea of you leaving the nest.

Nothing sadder than a 35-year-old bird leaving the nest.

-It's gonna be okay, Mom. -Yes, I know. I know.

I'm so happy for you, baby.

Now, if you'll excuse me, this pee is starting without me.

-Oh, wait! Wait! -No! No, no, no, wait!

Don't go in! We're shooting a porno!

Oh, God!

Jesus, what happened?

We're renovating!

There's a tub on your kitchen island!

I know! Isn't it great?

The French call that a "cuisine de baignoire."

-What's that mean? -"Tub kitchen."

Where are your pipes?

What's going on here, Mom?

We had a situation with a contractor, but we're handling it.

This does not look handled to me. I'm calling Bud.

No, no, no, no, no!

That's how that gets there!

You're not telling nobody nothin'!

No, I've got to tell somebody.

Oh, grab an arm!

So... you really like that Nadia girl, don't you?

-Yeah. -She's real pretty.

Yeah. Shame if she should happen to drown in a kitchen tub.

A cuisine de baignoire?

Look, Coyote, I have kept a lot of your secrets.

You could keep one of mine.

Fine. I won't tell Bud.

Or anyone.

Or anyone.

Look, just promise me that you won't go upstairs until we know it's safe.

-We promise. -Sure.

And don't look outside. I'm gonna pee in the pool.

Here, take your phone.

-Where are you going? -Oh, I have to get ready for the play.

You can't go up there! We promised Coyote.

Well, I have to look stunning, or people are gonna suspect something.

You're already stunning!

I mean, your hair has looked better.

And actually, I don't love that outfit.

Oh, God! Oh, God, my knee!

Oh, my-- Oh!

Oh, Grace! You've got to be more careful!

-Right this way. -The kids aren't gonna think twice

about seeing you with a cane.

They know you just had knee surgery.

On the other knee.

Now they're gonna think I'm totally crippled.

For God's sake, Mallory's already sending me brochures of stair chairs.

I saw. Did you know that the Motion-Glide XL

climbs a ten-foot staircase in under 20 minutes?

Stop reading those.

But they're so glossy and sad.

-These are your seats, ma'am. -Thank you.

Thank you so much for... letting us in early.

Oh, no need. We're happy to seat all of our elderly

and special needs patrons in advance.

Well consider it hush money and hush the eff up.

Enjoy the show.

Do you really think you're gonna be able to hide your crap knee from everyone?

Yes!

I'm planting myself here and I'm not moving it all night.

What if there's a standing ovation?

I'll cross that bridge when it never happens.

Hold on. Hold on.

I need to prepare myself for this nightmare.

Well, I love musical theater.

In eighth grade, I was the beatboxing wizard in The Bee Keeper's Promise.

What the hell show was that?

I wrote it.

It was based on Macbeth.

Sadly, not even dreading the musical theater part.

I'm just dreading seeing my mother.

She could surprise you.

Like a surprise attack?

-You're right. You walk in ahead of me. -She may not even be mad at you.

Wow! You really don't know her.

Yeah, but I really know her daughter.

And?

Oh, come on. You don't see the similarities?

Someone who needs to be strong and resists getting help.

And when it comes to having to deal with her feelings, she...

self-medicates.

I don't know what you're talking about right now, okay?

But we really need to focus on strategy.

When I approach her, if I say the word "kumquat,"

that means you have to lift me up

and then fireman-carry me out of the theater.

-How strong is that stuff? -It's very mild.

But I've been high since breakfast.

-Hi. -Mm.

Oh.

Are you trying to dodge me?

I just walked in.

When are you gonna bring me back to life?

Frankie, I'm working on it.

Great! Can you get it done by the time the show finishes?

Well, the second act of The Music Man could use a few cuts,

but this is the government we're talking about.

Whatevs!

I'm gonna need you to tell Bud that it's done and I am officially alive.

I can't lie to my son.

You were comfortable telling him that President Reagan wrote back to him

and said, "I hear you. I've made some mistakes."

He still has that letter framed!

Yeah, well, dreams die hard in the big city, Sol.

Just do it!

Are you okay, Dad?

It's just...

your mother wants me to lie to your brother about something.

She got to you, too.

-Hey, Mom. -Hey, honey.

So, I'm trying out a new babysitter,

and I wanted to sit on the aisle in case she calls.

And she will. My children are heavily discussed on babysitter forums.

So can I sit there?

No.

It's just I've never used this service before.

No.

Okay. Can you at least let me by?

No.

You're really gonna make me walk all the way around?

Yes.

Mom, is your knee still bothering you?

Yes, Mallory, my knee is in terrible pain and I'm keeping it from you.

It's all one big conspiracy to conceal my enfeeblement from my children.

All right.

Jeez.

Sucker.

-Look who I found wandering the lobby. -Ah.

Your dad has some good news.

Don't you, Sol?

Yes.

Wonderful news.

It appears that the Social Security Administration

received our letter about your mom's death mix-up.

Good to know the post office still works.

Uh... We sent it FedEx, but it is encouraging.

Sol.

It seems that everything is,

-um... -I'm alive again.

And fully capable and equipped for all your babysitting needs.

You can have Faith with me and you can have faith in me.

No, that didn't sound quite right.

Oh, boy.

What's he doing here?

Uh... Excuse me.

Roy! You're here.

Hey!

Oh, I couldn't miss Robert's big night.

Are you surprised?

Little bit.

Don't you know what this means?

Everything's back to normal.

Now Faith and I can use my rewards points from Red Lobster.

And it's Summerfest.

Mom, I am really happy you're legally alive again.

I really am.

But it still doesn't change what happened.

But it never would've happened if--

You've got to stop blaming everything on being dead.

You... You followed a truck to Mexico with my daughter.

Okay, okay. I won't take any long road trips with Faith.

-Mom-- -Okay, any trips!

Look, we want you to see the baby as much as you want.

Good! When can I babysit?

I'm available every day 9:00 a.m. to midnight.

Who am I kidding? Noon to midnight.

You can babysit whenever...

just as long as we're there, too.

You don't want me to be alone with Faith?

Mom, it's-- it's just after, you know--

I can take care of my grandchild.

Actually, Allison and I are afraid you can't.

What?

Faith was fine.

She was never in jeopardy.

This time.

Think about it.

You would never be able to forgive yourself if something were to happen.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, God, I love community theater.

When it's good, it's great. And when it's bad, I take pictures.

You think Robert'll be excited I'm here?

I think Robert will experience a range of emotions.

Everyone, places in five.

Robert, I was just going over my to-do list

and the only thing on there is "Make sure Robert doesn't screw this up for me."

Can I check off that box?

Look.

- Actors, places please! - That's Roy.

The guy I was telling you about.

Oh, my. Now I see why you didn't give Sol the go-ahead.

So why'd he go ahead and come to my show?

Robert, you need to focus

and take your mind off that absolutely stunning man

who might be going commando sitting next to your husband.

I know. I know. It's just... How am I supposed to ignore that?

Don't ignore it. Use it.

Let your rage and jealousy fuel your performance.

If Sol's flirting with Roy,

flirt harder through song.

You're the Music Man, damn it. You can charm a whole town.

I am the Music Man.

I could charm the whole damn country.

Let's just focus on the town.

-There's two. Over-- -Actually, your mom is-- She's there.

Hey, Mom. You okay?

I'm fine.

Cool. Cool. Um...

I mean, are we okay? Because I know after that conversation last week--

I understand.

Let's just have a good time tonight and you go ahead and get in your seat.

So we're good?

All good.

Wow. Thanks, Mom.

So, can we sneak by?

No.

-Seriously, can we? -No.

-You want us to walk all the way around? -Yes.

Oh, my...

-Kumquat. -Huh?

Forget it.

What's the matter?

Bud doesn't trust me to be alone with the baby.

When I watch Faith, someone needs to watch me.

Oh, my God, Frankie. That's terrible.

And now this.

♪ Our children's children Gonna have trouble ♪

♪ Trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble ♪

Mothers of River City!

Heed that warning before it's too late.

Watch for the tell-tale signs of corruption.

♪ Trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble ♪

The minute your son leaves the house,

does he re-buckle his knickerbockers below the knee?

Is there a nicotine stain on his index finger?

A dime novel hidden in the corn crib?

Is he starting to memorize jokes from Captain Billy's Whiz Bang?

Are certain words creeping into his conversation?

Words like...

"swell" and "so's your old man"?

Well, if so, my friends...

-♪ You got trouble ♪ -♪ Oh, we got trouble ♪

-♪ Right here in River City ♪ -♪ Right here in River City ♪

♪ With a capital T And that rhymes with P ♪

-♪ And that stands for pool ♪ -♪ That stands for pool ♪

-♪ We surely got trouble ♪ -♪ We surely got trouble ♪

-♪ Right here in River City ♪ -♪ Right here ♪

♪ Remember the Maine Plymouth Rock, and the Golden Rule ♪

♪ Our children's children Gonna have trouble ♪

♪ Oh-ho, we got trouble We're in terrible, terrible trouble ♪

♪ That game with the 15 numbered balls Is the devil's tool ♪

♪ Devil's tool ♪

♪ Oh, yes, we got Trouble, trouble, trouble ♪

♪ Oh, yes, we got trouble here We got big, big trouble ♪

-♪ With a T ♪ -♪ With a capital T ♪

-♪ And that rhymes with P ♪ -♪ That rhymes with P ♪

-♪ And that stands for pool ♪ -♪ That stands for pool ♪

Whoo-hoo!

I think that might have been meant for me.

You want to fight for it?

Ha, ha.

-He was so good! -He was!

Almost makes me forget that thing he did.

Mom, do you mind if I just sneak past you?

Do you mind showing your father some goddamn respect

and staying in your seat?

Yeah, sit down.

Jesus.

♪ Seventy-six trombones Led the big parade ♪

♪ With 110 cornets close at hand ♪

♪ They were followed by rows and rows Of the finest virtuosos ♪

♪ The dream of every famous band ♪

♪ Seventy-six trombones Hit the counter point ♪

Oh, audience participation!

Oh, quick, deck me in the face.

-May I have this march, ma'am? -No, thank you.

Come on, join the band!

You touch me again and I'll break your arms, too.

Looks like you've directed Robert towards another Tappy-worthy performance.

Oh, it took everything I have.

I hope it was worth my two broken legs.

Oh, stop. I don't care about awards.

-Well, you were amazing, obviously. -Oh.

-I smell another Tappy. -Oh, get out of here.

You know, it's um...

it's no wonder you carried that show. You sure have the shoulders for it.

Well, actually, I'm better known for my calves.

Oh?

Are Grace and Mom here yet?

Oh, they're not coming.

Mom's probably still sitting in the theater.

Yeah. What was up with that?

That was so weird they didn't want to leave with us.

Maybe your mom's waiting for a scooter cart.

Oh, my God. Can you imagine my mom on one of those scooters?

Yeah.

- What? - What?

-What? -What?

-Shit. Not... -What? "Shit"?

What? Spill the shit, Barry.

Look, she told me not to tell you, but I was at the hardware store

and I saw your mom and... she had to use one of those scooter carts.

Our mother is not a scooter cart person.

Yeah, well she was this day and she was swerving all over the place, you know...

-drunk. -Okay. Hilarious.

But why didn't she want you to tell me?

I believe the quote was,

"She's mean, she's judgmental, and she'll put me in a home."

-She's got you pegged. -Yeah.

-She also ran into a cop car. -What?

She hit a cop car?

-Even I never did that. -Yes, you did.

-Oh, yes, I did. -Should we be worried about her?

-Yes. -No.

She's fine.

She has Frankie.

Uh, well, she's not really any help.

I mean, she just got lost following an ice cream truck.

Isn't that, like, every other Tuesday with her?

This time she had my daughter and got stranded at the Mexican border.

-Ooh. That's bad. -Wow.

Yeah. Yeah. Whole new level of bad.

What is going on with them?

Coyote, why so quiet?

-Huh? -Hmm?

Hey, uh, you guys ever do that thing where you stretch,

and then your head gets dizzy,

and you see those little pieces of tin foil flying around?

Coyote, what do you know?

Historically, very little.

Hey, there you are, stranger. Want something good in your mouth?

Pardon?

Here.

-Mmm. -Mmm.

It's good, right?

Robert, were you even listening to my colonoscopy story?

They're eating cake.

Cake is how my colonoscopy story started.

You know how you're not supposed to eat before a colonoscopy?

Well, I did.

And I lied about it.

It all started when I...

Liked the show, but I wish there'd been more marching.

The marching was a nice distraction.

I kept thinking how I'm never going to be alone with my grandchild again.

Yeah.

-Rats! -Yeah, rats. Rats to this whole day.

No, I saw a rat!

Ah! Grace, there's a rat!

Take the high ground! Ah!

- Oh, God! My knee! - Get over! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

Ooh! God!

You know, I uh... I should have warned you,

I'm always the last one to leave.

That's okay.

We were just leaving, too.

What am I saying? We live here.

We do.

We sit in the living room a lot.

You guys are adorable.

Have a great night.

That Roy...

Yeah.

He really loved your dancing.

Well...

Why wouldn't he?

I didn't even know you could dance like that.

Well, he thinks that you are the most interesting man in the world.

Well...

Why wouldn't he?

You are.

What was that ear thing?

I don't know.

It actually feels kind of nice.

It does.

-Oh, there he is! -Oh, God!

You got a lighter? We'll make a Molotov cocktail!

Yeah, what could go wrong with that plan?

Fine! Grab the fruit bowl.

We'll trap him.

Fast, before he figures out our plan!

-Hold onto me. -Okay.

Hold on. Hold me. Hold me tight.

Ha, ha! We're gonna take you down tonight, motherfucker.

Mom?

Oh, we got trouble.

♪ Back to sin again ♪

♪ Must be fate ♪

♪ The wait was all day ♪

♪ Black acts to amend at the gate ♪

♪ Awaiting new state ♪

♪ Something perished Past and gone away ♪

♪ And nothing ever lasts that hesitates ♪

♪ 'Cause I know These days are calling out ♪

♪ The symbol sets in the red skyline ♪

♪ These... ♪

Okay, good night.