Original subtitles

♪ Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight ♪

♪ Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right ♪

♪ I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair ♪

♪ And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs ♪

♪ And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right ♪

♪ Here I am Stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

Come on, girls. We're going to be late for lunch.

-I'll grab our table. -Okay.

How the hell did we get here?

I think it all started with that tub.

- My tub! - Oh, my God!

What the hell happened?

Is it a portal?

Oh, take my hand, Grace. We jump together!

It-- It must have been the ceiling leak.

What the hell is this?

A left-hand twist, big galaxy blast tie-dye design. Why?

I thought we decided not to use that bathroom

and you were tie-dyeing in it?

Grace, we don't know what happened. We weren't there.

I think we do know what happened.

You filled the tub with heavy, wet garbage!

Oh, look at us, fighting. It's not very "Harriet" of us.

It would be if I killed you with a vibrator.

Come on, we can take care of this together.

But you get the ball rolling.

And then keep it rolling.

And then roll that baby till it's done.

So, just our usual arrangement?

If you insist.

We need a contractor, ASAP.

On the bright side, we've got some deep hues on this bad Larry!

That therapist...

certainly...

said some things.

Yes.

Interesting.

So you felt...

I felt...

that she... was insane!

Oh, my God. Me, too!

But I'm new to all of this and I have nothing to compare it to.

Telling us to take time apart?

-Come on, lady. -Right.

And what kind of a suggestion is an open relationship?

A terrible one! Lady!

Well, it's nice to be agreeing on something for once.

I agree.

And that crazy business about Roy.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you he invited me out.

It's all right, really. You're allowed to have friends.

It is nice to "folk out" with "folk" folk.

Then you should see him when he's here.

In fact, I'd like to meet him.

-Really? Are you sure? -Absolutely.

Invite him over. We'll all have lunch together.

I'll get a nice deli platter.

That sounds like an excuse for you to have some deli.

Well, if you can see Roy, I can eat some deli.

Ha.

Okay.

What the...

No, no, no, no to all of this.

Oh, Grace, I know you said that you wanted to take the lead

in this contractor thing--

No, you told me to take the lead.

Regardless of what you said, I found the perfect guy for the job.

-This is Stamford. -Oh!

-How do you do? -I do not.

Thank you.

Where did you find this guy?

You know that lovely renovated home down the street you always talk about?

Yeah, I do.

Well, Stamford used to live in the woods out back.

Look, I can fix this and put it back the way it was,

but we do have some options here.

Oh, I'm listening.

I was thinking we put in a glass-bottom bathroom,

so you can always see what's a-brewin' down in the kitchen.

-No! -Interesting.

Or we make it one of those two-story showerheads

the fancies are doing these days.

-No. -Totally.

Or maybe even leave the tub--

Oh, sorry.

Go for Stamford.

Oh, sorry.

Go for Stamford.

No, Stamford is my first name.

Yeah, I'll accept the charges.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Look, Frankie, I appreciate you're trying to help with this,

but we need to find somebody that we trust to do the job right.

Grace, if you can look into the eye of the eagle painted on Stam's van

and not trust him, you're not human.

I have a list of real contractors who wear shoes...

who are going to come over and assess the damage.

That's how we do this.

We interview a number of people, and then we choose the best.

Look, we'll use your guy when we need some magic beans.

What if we cut back on our cleaning service?

-We need major cuts. -What if we make a bunch of small cuts?

Like cheaper pens? Ew. No, I hate cheap pens.

Excuse me, someone took my standing desk.

We're making some cuts, Josh.

Yeah, but I brought that in myself.

Gotta get on board, Josh.

How much would we save if we fired him?

Not enough.

Okay, then find something else, Barry.

Work the numbers. Crunchy crunchy, typie typie.

I'm trying. Unless you want to sell to Lauren--

I will sell to Lauren over Mallory's dead body.

Stop saying that.

I don't see any other options.

-Unless-- -We're not doing that.

-Wait, what aren't we doing? -We're not going to--

We're not firing you, Mallory. Barry wants to fire you.

But you're not paying me.

I know and that's why we're not doing it, Barry. It's a bad idea.

Okay, fine. You know where I stand.

-I'm not talking about it. -Maybe I want to talk about it.

You know what? Barry's right. Mallory, you're fired.

Yeah. Nice shirt, Frankie.

Go for your momma.

Hello, Mother. Uh...

Do babies change? Like, in week two?

Not themselves.

-So what's up? -Faith's got this new thing where

she only falls asleep if I drive her around in a car.

I'm this close to putting her in an Uber.

You want me to come over?

Well, I'll survive today actually, but, you know, tomorrow,

if you wanna drive around the neighborhood

for an hour in the afternoon, that would be amazing.

Oh, gosh, Bud, I don't know.

You're only making my flippin' dreams come true!

Thanks, Mom.

Faith, did you hear that?

I'm coming to see you tomorrow!

I love you! I love you! We're in love!

Bye, Bud.

Mom, I think that she... Mom?

Mom?

So my first suggestion would be to put the tub back in the bathroom.

We had a guy out here who suggested a two-story shower.

Hmm. There are a lot of bad contractors out there.

Yeah. My roommate wants to hire all of them.

The good news is the damage is pretty much contained to...

all of this.

What a relief.

And I do have a window right now before I start a bigger job.

Oh, I need to get a few more bids first.

Of course. Of course. Just make sure whoever you get

can match these finishings, because the work in here is impeccable.

I had an amazing contractor.

Why aren't you using him?

Unfortunately, he passed away.

-What was his name? -Phil Milstein.

Oh, my God. You're kidding me.

You-- You knew him?

Yeah. Great guy.

Phil gave me the five grand I needed to start my company.

That sounds like him.

Well, I'll leave you to your other appointments.

-Thank you. -No, thank you for telling me about Phil.

I feel bad we lost touch.

-Hank? -Yeah.

How soon do you think you'd be able to start?

I could have a crew here first thing tomorrow.

And then, Roy swigged the last of the wine

and began playing the bottle like a jug!

Now, he'd already turned those two plates into cymbals,

so he had to hold the jug between his knees.

Oh, wow, this story's forever.

All right, mister.

How about this?

Roy is bringing something very, very special.

Four hours of rare Woody Guthrie bootleg tapes!

Boy, when you said, "Four hours,"

I was hoping it would be followed by "Woody Guthrie bootleg tapes."

Oh! I've gotta find my tape recorder.

-Hey, Peter. -Robert, this is an emergency.

I had an absolute nightmare last night

that you forgot all the lines to "Trouble."

That's the actor's nightmare, Peter.

-I'm the actor. -I even have to do that for you!

We open next week, and you have never once gotten the words to "Trouble" right.

Get over here right now.

We are going to run it until you're a well-oiled marine.

I think it's "machine."

It's marine. Be gayer!

Look, Peter, I appreciate your panic. It's very inspiring.

But I have been practicing, and I'm not sure I can get away right now.

Roy just texted. It's not four hours of bootlegs, it's six!

I'll be there in 20 minutes.

Oh. I'm sorry about all that.

Where do you want me to move these thermoses?

Well, actually they're...

Never mind. Put them over there, please.

Do any of these men actually live in a van?

It certainly doesn't look like it.

Don't you have a playdate with your granddaughter to get to?

Want to come with? We can take Faith out and pretend we're a couple

and then make everyone guess which one of us carried our baby.

Your yelling out, "Whose baby is this?" to passersby

is not the laugh-riot you think it is. Anyway, I've got things I have to do.

If you want to take off, I can call you if anything comes up.

You sure?

No reason for you to be breathing in all this dust.

Square.

Well, here's your deposit.

You promise to call?

-Yep. -Okay.

Oh, don't hesitate to call me, too. But not before noon and not after one.

You sure you can't stay?

Trust me, the last time Peter had a nightmare,

he almost dug up his mother for her earrings.

-What is his life? -I'm not sure.

Look, I'll just say hi,

then you and your little folk friend can get caught up.

- Roy! - Sol!

Ooh! Ooh!

Oh.

Roy, Robert. Robert, Roy.

I'm sorry, gotta do this.

The hug boat's coming in. Mwah!

Ooh. You are exactly the height I thought you'd be.

You are... You are not.

Unfortunately, Robert's just on his way out.

I have some time.

Oh.

Here, let me grab that.

Come on.

Come on in here. We've got some lunch and Brie.

Oh, Faith, my girl,

all those big-world concerns, just let them go.

♪ We're two fantastic ladies Tootling about ♪

♪ Here's an ice-cream truck ♪

♪ Now we'll follow that ♪

♪ Oh, taking a left ♪

♪ No, taking a right ♪

♪ That guy didn't use his turn signal ♪

♪ Don't be an a-hole ♪

But this guy didn't care. He marched up to Judy Collins.

He said, "Judy Collins, I have loved you since high school.

May I please have this dance?"

Judy Collins looked him right in the eye and said, "Sir, I'm Michelle Phillips."

She pretended to be upset, but I know she thought it was funny.

Robert, are you just laughing all day with this one?

Oh, we laugh a lot.

Oh!

I should grab this, it's my guru.

Hey, Mom!

She was on the cruise, too.

She's incredible.

Well, I guess that's just one more thing you didn't tell me about Roy.

What else didn't I tell you?

-You didn't tell me he looked like that. -Like what?

Like Rock Hudson.

A very limber Rock Hudson.

All bodies are beautiful, Robert.

Oh, please. Next to him, I'm a potato with eyes.

Eyes that can clearly see what's going on here.

See what?

Why you kept those texts from me.

You were flattered that a man like that was interested in you.

-For the last time, he's just a friend. -Does he know that?

He's like a human octopus with those hands trying to open a conch.

He's demonstrative, yes. But then, so am I.

All we're doing is having lunch.

Well, yeah, because I'm still here screwing up the vibe. But once I leave--

I don't want to fight about this anymore, Robert.

If you want Roy to go, just tell me and I'll send him away.

I'm not saying you should send him away.

So then what are you saying?

I don't know what I'm saying.

We are going to eat deli and listen to some Woody Guthrie bootlegs,

because you and I agreed

that we didn't want to be the kind of guys who would do anything else.

Okay.

Thank you.

Mom says "hi."

She's a little mad I didn't tell her I was taking the tapes.

"Tapes." That's my cue.

I'll let you get to it.

Have fun, you two.

You're not staying for lunch?

River City calls.

Now that it's just us girls, give me the dirt on Bud.

He's great, right?

I knew it. He's great.

Where are we?

Faith, does this look like your neighborhood?

Central Street?

Try harder to be boring, San Diego.

More like Bland-Diego, right, Faith?

Slap me some Hand-Diego.

I could go all day.

Where are we?

Oh, darn it.

Dead and I don't have a charger.

♪ We are still ♪

♪ Fantastic ladies tootling about ♪

♪ Overcoming adversity ♪

♪ No we're not going to end up Living in an Arby's ♪

♪ But we might stop there for a snack ♪

Oh, where are we?

Surprise!

-Fuck me! Hi! -Oh, I thought I'd be a happy surprise.

You are.

To what do I owe this unannounced pleasure?

Um, well, we're having a little work done on the beach house,

which leaves Vybrant a little homeless for the moment.

Timing, right?

I'm sure you've heard about the "I am Harriet" movement.

Sure. It's the hot goss.

We need to rent some office space, you know, until the house is done.

Could I use some of those extra marketing offices?

We got rid of those.

Oh.

Okay.

I could always camp out in the copy room.

-That's now our marketing office. -Why'd you do that?

-Who's on first? -What?

-No. What's on second? -What's wrong with you?

I'm sorry, I can't hear you, you're breaking up.

Brianna, what is going on?

Okay... here it is.

I can't tell you.

You're pregnant?

-Ew. No. -Well, then, what is it?

I will not leave here until you tell me.

Oh, God. Okay.

Not only do I not have space for you,

but I may not have space for me pretty soon.

Say Grace is in trouble.

We are finally back on track.

No, we're not, that's Mexico.

Hold on, Faith.

♪ Mom has been gone a while ♪

♪ Wonder what's going on ♪

♪ Why is it still going Straight to voice mail? ♪

♪ What the hell is the matter? ♪

♪ I don't want to think Horrible thoughts ♪

♪ So I won't ♪

♪ But I did ♪

♪ No, I'll stop ♪

♪ But I can't ♪

♪ I can't ♪

Robert...

you should know that when my father was dying from cancer,

I was there holding his hand

as he struggled to breathe his last breath.

Why am I telling you this?

So that when I tell you that your performance of "Trouble" today

is the most difficult thing I have ever witnessed,

you have some perspective on what that means.

Is any of that true?

Who cares?

You know fewer lines than yesterday.

You made my nightmare come true!

I'm sorry, I'm...

I'm very distracted. There's a lot going on at home right now.

Is it Sol?

Is Sol making you terrible at theater?

-What? -You can tell me.

No.

Sol and I went to a therapist

who brought up the idea of a... open relationship.

Yeah?

And now, he's at home with a younger, very attractive man.

Oh. So you gave him the go-ahead and now you're regretting it.

What go-ahead?

The go-ahead, to go ahead with the very attractive man.

No, no, no!

We're not gonna do the open relationship thing.

-Then why give him the go-ahead? -I didn't give him the go-ahead!

Look, Jeff and I have an open relationship and it's really worked out for us.

No, we're very traditional.

Robert, practically every gay couple

who's been together a certain amount of time

have some type of open relationship.

That can't be true. Is it?

Yes. You just have rules.

Never with the same person more than once.

Never in our bed.

And never with Stevie Mazza,

because I'm pretty sure he stole my Rolex.

I don't think I can ever do that.

Does Sol want to do it?

Because I could understand if he does.

He's only had this experience with you.

You at least had the Navy.

I'm just being crazy.

Sol insists that Roy is just a friend from the folk cruise.

-Folk cruise? -That's where they met.

Folk cruise?

Robert, your story isn't making any sense,

and it's upsetting me.

You said that he was attractive and that's why I was listening to you.

Let's take it from the top.

I don't understand. When I gave you the company, it was on solid footing.

-I know. -How did this happen?

-I don't know. -It's your job to know!

I know! Jesus, Mom. This is hard enough. I don't need you throwing it in my face.

Well, maybe you do.

Because you've managed to destroy everything I built.

-And you don't even know how. -I do know how.

Because of that one wrinkle cream you rushed to market?

Yes. And...

And what?

And several old products that nobody buys anymore.

Like what?

Like the entire original line, Mom.

My original line?

Yes. That's why we're in this mess.

Then you're doing something wrong, 'cause that stuff sells itself.

No, not anymore.

Well, then rebrand it! My God, Brianna, this is Business School 101.

You know, everything old is new again.

And sometimes, Mom, it's just old.

Four-thirty? Oh, my God.

That'll be $21.73.

Are you cool with $15.10?

No.

Fine, I don't need my Big Slurp.

Ma'am, you already drank it.

Look, I can explain. I ran out of cash because my cash card isn't working

because I'm dead.

-You're dead? -Just legally, obviously.

Look, if I could just call my son.

To tell him you're dead?

No! He already knows I'm dead!

To tell him I followed an ice-cream truck to Mexico with our baby!

Your baby with your son?

No, Jesus! Please!

Look, give me your phone,

or the charger cord for my original offer of $15.10!

I'm a very important customer at this chain!

-No. Give me your drink back. -No!

You let go of my drink.

That is assault.

Next.

♪ Wow, wow, wow, wow ♪

♪ Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow ♪

♪ Wow, wow, wow, wow ♪

-♪ Wow, wow, wow ♪ -Whoo-hoo!

♪ Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow ♪

Wow!

-Just wow, man. -I know, right?

All recorded from one drunken sound check at the Hollywood Bowl.

He really let the lighting guy have it.

Hey, you know, this could be the tapes talking, but um...

how would you feel if your boy Roy

could teach you how to play "Keep My Skillet Good and Greasy"?

I would say you do so at your own peril.

My ex-wife tried to teach me to play guitar once.

We both ended up in the emergency room.

All right, I'll go easy on you, if you go easy on me.

-Deal. -Okay.

All right. Right here. Yeah.

Boy, you have nice hands.

One's bigger than the other.

You're adorable. Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm sorry. I--

I thought we...

I thought that's what we were doing.

We are not. I'm married.

Yeah, to Robert, the guy who gave us the go-ahead.

What go-ahead?

I'm sorry. Did I get that wrong? I thought he told us to have fun.

-Did he? -Yeah.

Oh, no, he...

Oh, no, he didn't mean it like that.

Oh, God, I'm... I'm so sorry. I...

No, I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression.

No, it's cool. Sol, it's cool. Really.

It's fine. I guess I shaved my legs for nothing.

♪ Wow, wow, wow, wow ♪

♪ Wow, wow, wow ♪

Whoo!

Wow.

At least the policeman was nice. I can't say the same for the cashier.

-Are you sure you're okay? -I'm fine.

-Are you sure it wasn't another TIA? -Yes.

Well, then what the fuck were you doing?

I was trying to buy a charger cord.

No, before that. When you drove to Mexico.

There was this ice cream truck, so I followed it.

And then the signs got weird and the cashier put his hands on me.

That's assault. End of story.

Not end of story.

But that is what happened.

And it can never happen again.

What does that mean?

I should've never burdened you with this.

-Faith isn't a burden! -It is clearly too much for you.

Driving, plus the baby, just the two of you alone.

Look, I'm not senile. And I'm not stroking out.

This is about one thing, Bud: me being dead.

Everything will be fine once I get alive again.

-Bud? -We'll talk about it later.

Hello.

Welcome home.

How'd it go with Roy?

It was... fine.

We played music.

Sorry I missed it.

How was rehearsal?

Like the first half of Full Metal Jacket.

You were right about Roy. He came on to me.

Oh?

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah.

Did anything happen?

Of course not!

Did you...

wish that maybe...

something could maybe...

happen?

I had great trepidation about even learning to play the guitar!

So you had no interest in him or his guitar?

Well, if I'd been single, I don't know,

I might have been interested.

I mean...

it was kind of flattering.

So, if I had given you the go-ahead,

you might have done something?

What is this go-ahead that everybody knows about?

I know! I only just learned about it today.

Do you ever get the feeling

there's this whole world out there we don't even know exists?

Yes. Very much so.

I guess we just have to figure out how much of it we want to know.

Hank?

Hank!

Hank!

Oh, my...

Hank!

Oh.

What the hell happened?

I got lost.

♪ Bleeding blazing hot ♪

♪ Hot as the sun ♪

♪ Fortune teller told a tale ♪

♪ Of things to be done ♪

♪ Been pushing my weight ♪

♪ Up against a stone ♪

♪ And I believe to my soul ♪

♪ It's time to move on ♪

♪ There you go There you go ♪

-♪ Try to fill ♪ -♪ Try to fill ♪

♪ All the space ♪

Okay, good night.