Original subtitles

Harriette.

Oh, Harriette.

Harriette!

I can't find my shoes.

Well, sweetheart, those things on your feet look sort of shoe-like.

Not these, my red flats.

- Laura, have you seen them? - Nope, sorry.

I bet Rachel has them.

She's been borrowing my stuff since high school.

Well, Harriette, those shoes look fine and we're late.

So, can we please go?

You know, Carl, this has been going on for 20 years and it burns me up.

Who does she think we are, the Doublemint twins?

Laura, have you seen my red silk jacket?

- You know the one with the beads on it? - Nope, sorry.

I'll bet Harriette took it.

She's been borrowing my stuff since high school.

Makes me sick. Shoot.

My stuff is my stuff. That's why they call it my stuff.

If she wants some stuff, she ought to get her stuff and leave my stuff alone.

I thought they'd never leave.

Well, I'm out of here.

Hey, that's my purse.

Oops! Later.

Richie, sweetheart, why are you playing with your food?

They say I'm crazy I can do what I wanna do

It's my prerogative

Sorry, Aunt Rachel. We've been listening to Bobby Brown.

What's "prerogative" mean?

It means don't play with your food.

So, Laura. How was Career Day?

Pretty good. My guidance counselor says my grades are good enough...

to get into Harvard Law School.

- Ooh, Harvard! - That's my girl.

Just how much is it to go to Harvard Law School these days?

Sixteen thousand dollars a year.

Oo-woo!

Somebody get the smelling salts.

Course, you'd save a lot if I got a scholarship.

Well, why are you wasting time eating? Go study.

So, Edward. What about you?

- What are your plans for the future? - Rock star.

That's it? That's your plan?

Son, it might be wise to have something else to fall back on.

No problem, Dad. I can always be a model.

Are you gonna be the "before" or the "after"?

Hey, Dad. CARL: Hey.

- I thought you were going to the movies. - I was, but Jolene ran out of money.

- Women. - Yeah.

Edward, I think it's time to have our little talk.

Oh, no. Dad, is this phase two of:

"What is Eddie gonna be when he grows up?"

- Yes, Edward. - I should've sprung for the movie.

Son, you know, sometimes in life we agonize over decisions...

and then later realize they weren't all that important.

But, Edward, choosing a career is important.

- Now, aside from a rock star... - Or model.

Or model...

What else would you like to be?

I honestly don't know.

I mean, I thought about it a lot.

I thought, and I thought...

and I thought, until my head hurt.

Well, let me ask you this.

- Are you open to career suggestions? - Sure.

- What do you got? - Well...

have you ever thought about being a policeman?

I mean, not really.

Edward, police work is substantial and satisfying.

It's a job that you can be proud of.

It's also a family tradition.

Me, my father, and maybe now you.

Son, think about it.

Don't make your head hurt, but think about it.

All right.

Hey, my boss just started a police ride-along program.

You could go with me tomorrow and check out the daily life of a cop.

- What do you say? - Well, I did say I'd think about it.

I'll save you the time. You're going.

Well, Lieutenant Murtagh, this is it.

The old homestead.

Sergeant...

this is a fine house.

A cop's house.

Thank you, sir.

And, sir, I'm honored that you want to meet my son.

Winslow, in this crime-plagued society, we need every good man we can get.

So if your flesh and blood wants to join the battle...

I wanna shake his hand.

Well, sir, I'm sure that he'll be thrilled.

You know, my son's a cop.

My daughter too.

My dog's in the Canine Corp.

- What about your wife? - She left me.

Heh, heh. Women.

Yeah.

Honest, Eddo. I'm telling the truth.

It's a scientific fact. Rats just can't vomit.

Steve, who cares?

A guy sitting in front of a rat on a roller coaster.

Edward. All set for the ride-along?

I'm sorry, Dad, I can't go.

Wha...?

Excuse me.

Hi.

Ever frisk a woman?

What do you mean you can't go?

Dad, I have an appointment with a modeling agency.

They're looking for new clients. It's an incredible opportunity.

Modeling?

Yeah, isn't it great?

Edward, you have really let me down this time.

I am very, very disappointed in you.

Gee, this dog has quite a smile.

Yeah, good old Bloodfang.

He'd lay down his life for me.

How'd you train him to hold that gun?

So, Winslow.

Is your son going on the ride-along?

Uh... No, sir, I'm afraid he forgot that today was his paramedic ride-along.

Good group.

We plug them, they patch them.

So, in other words, Winslow, you just wasted 43 minutes...

of my, let's be honest, precious time?

Uh... Well, I'm sorry, sir, but...

Ooh, ooh, ooh! Can I go? Can I go?

Excellent idea. Take your other son.

That is an excellent idea, sir.

Excuse me, but...

Nice meeting you, kid. Put her there.

Six months in the Academy will firm up that grip.

Excuse me, but...

- Good day, gentlemen. - Lieutenant.

Wow. I've never been in a police car before.

I was in an ambulance once, though.

- Oh, what happened? - Unavoidable accident.

At my fifth birthday party, my parents used me to break the pinata.

Hey, what's this button for?

Aw.

We don't need the siren right now, Steve.

Okeydoke.

Hey, what's in the glove compartment?

Nothing. Unh!

Ooh. I've never seen a nun move that fast.

Just don't touch anything else, okay?

Hey, can I hold your shotgun?

- Do I look stupid? - Only when you play golf.

Two Adam Twelve.

Robbery, Fourth and Main.

Male Caucasian seen fleeing on foot towards freight yard.

Suspect is 5'9 ", 5'10"...

wearing blue jeans and a green and black plaid shirt.

Bad dresser.

Two Adam Twelve. I'm on it. Over and out.

Now, Steve, when we get there, you're to stay in this car. Understood?

Ten four. Step on it, pard.

Let's nail this hairball.

- Two Adam Twelve. Two Adam... Whoa! - Give me that.

Jackson? JACKSON: Yeah?

You take the front of the train, I'll take the back.

Got it.

Freeze!

Cows!

- Cows! - Freeze!

Aah! Don't shoot!

Steve, didn't I tell you to stay in the car?

Yeah, but you were gone a long time...

and the human bladder only holds 14 ounces.

Never mind. Go get back in the car.

- Did you notice that lantern? - Why do you think I came in here?

- And look at this. - Yeah, I know.

Somebody's been staying here.

Hey! Watch it! Hey!

Open this door!

Hey, open this door!

You heard him! This is your last chance!

Jackson?

- Jackson, are you out there? - Yeah, Jackson!

Well, we're trapped.

Stand back. I'll blow the lock off.

Carl, does the word "stampede" mean anything to you?

Well, Steve, you have really messed things up this time.

If you had stayed in the car...

I would have made my bust and we'd be on our way home right now.

Okay, so maybe I made a little boo-boo.

But relax. They'll find us. It's not like we're going anywhere.

I hope that was your stomach.

We're moving.

Jackson!

This gets better all the time.

I wonder why Carl's not home yet.

- You're worried about him, aren't you? - Oh, no.

Oh, really?

Then why are you baking the salad?

It's done.

Ah, the joys of being a cop's wife.

You panic every time they're five minutes late.

Mom, when's dinner? We're starved.

Soon, baby. Your dad's running late.

Let's eat everything and see if he can take a joke.

Uh-oh. Edward, what's wrong?

Mom, the modeling agency was a bust.

I mean, the place was crawling with good-looking guys.

Really?

What was that address?

How about some sympathy, Aunt Rachel?

I mean, my modeling career only lasted half an hour.

Well, that's longer than most of your dates.

So, here's the skinny. I love Laura with all my heart.

But alas, my love is unrequited...

but I shall never give up.

And when Laura finally does see the light, you'll be invited to the wedding.

Oh, but, not as dinner.

Somebody get me out of here!

I want out!

- Carl. Carl! - What?

Do you realize if you manage to get that door open...

you'll have to jump from a moving train?

Yup.

Carl, did you know that there are 99.3 million cows in the United States?

What, two died?

Know why cows chew cud?

They don't have money for gum?

Good one, Carl.

You see, a cow's stomach has four parts...

and cud is actually food regurgitated from the first stomach...

back into the mouth so it can be further digested.

Wow.

Wouldn't it be great if you and I could taste the same food over and over again?

We can only dream.

Bovines are fascinating.

- Too bad their population has been... - Oh, would you please stop with the cows?

Sorry.

I'm getting on your nerves.

I can see the headlines now.

"Cop Flips Out, Kills Four Cows And An Urkel." Hee, hee, hee.

Oh, come on, Steve. You know I'd never harm a cow.

- How do you snort like that? - Oh, it's all in the nose.

- What do you mean? - See...

You try.

Hee, hee, hee.

I needed a good laugh.

Ah.

You know, every time you laugh, you burn up three and a half calories.

Maybe I should laugh a little bit more, huh?

Oh, boy.

You know something, Carl...

you're one of the greatest guys to ever trod this earth.

- I am? - Yeah.

I mean, you're great with your kids. You play catch with Eddie...

you take Laura and Judy to the mall if there are no sports on TV.

I mean, you guys do things together.

Well, I try.

Wanna know a secret?

Okay.

Sometimes I wish you were my father.

But, Steve, you have your own father.

I know, and he's a terrific guy.

I mean, he's smart, good-looking, and really knows his Kabuki Theater.

But I think he's a little disappointed in me.

Well, why?

Well, you see, he's a brain surgeon, and he really wants me to be one too.

I mean, it's an okay job, but, hey, where's the challenge?

Well, Steve, what do you want to do?

I don't know yet. I'm interested in a lot of things.

But I know If you were my dad, you'd give me time to make my own decision.

Well, Steve...

I think that parents come down hard on their kids...

because, well, they want the best for them.

Or what's best for the parents.

Hm... You know, Steve...

sometimes even the best guy who ever trod this earth...

could make that same mistake.

But I got a feeling that you're gonna make your parents real proud of you someday.

- You think so? - Sure, you're a real bright kid.

- Thanks for the talk, Carl. - Anytime, Steve.

Ha-ha. You know, it was the strangest thing.

The train pulls into Springfield to take on water...

and Steve and I are yelling at the top of our lungs for help.

Nobody hears. Then, all of a sudden...

Steve starts to break out into, "I Feel Pretty"...

all of a sudden, there's a big hole in the wall and all the cows are gone.

- Night, Daddy. - Oh, good night, sweetheart. Good night.

- Night, Dad. - Mm-hm.

Mom was really worried about you.

Yeah? How do you know that?

She kept telling us she wasn't.

- Is that true, Harriette? - Oh, I knew you'd be fine.

Well...

I was a little worried.

- Dad, you got a sec? - Sure, son, grab a seat.

Okay, bedtime. Let's head them up and move them out.

Harriette.

Sorry, Carl, I couldn't resist.

What? Oh, shoot. Why do I always have to go?

Heh-heh. So, what's on your mind, son?

Dad, I'm sorry I disappointed you.

I mean, I know how important it is for me to become a cop...

so if you still want me to go on that ride-along, I have no...

Edward, Edward, Edward. Listen to me.

Son, you don't have to be a cop.

- I don't? - No.

- But you're a cop. - Well, I know, but that works for me.

You have to do what works for you.

Well, I'm not so sure what that is yet.

Well, whenever you make that decision, I'll support you all the way.

And in the meantime, I'll try not to pressure you so much. Okay?

Thanks, Dad.

Edward, did I ever tell you that you are a good kid?

I think you just did.