Original subtitles

- Eddie, have you seen Steve? - Nope.

He's been driving me nuts.

Every afternoon, he asks me if he can walk me to work.

What you need is Urkel repellant.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna fool him today. I'm leaving an hour early.

Hi, angel lips.

Do you want me to walk you to work?

It's no trouble at all, my little babushka.

I give up.

Thanks, Mom.

Hey, look, Richie's checking out the stock market.

- You got any hot tips, sweetie? - Toys.

- You want us to buy a toy stock? - No, just toys.

Oh, heh.

- Harriette. - Uh-oh.

Oh, great, it's dance-contest time again.

- My favorite time of year, heh. - Mine too.

Oh, please, not in front of the children.

Dad, do we have to sell tickets this year?

No, sweetheart, you don't have to.

Yes.

- You get to. - Oh, Dad.

Dad.

Oh, come on, kids. Perk up.

I mean, after all, the dance contest is for a good cause.

We raise a lot of money for the Policeman's Memorial Foundation.

Dad, can I be honest about going to the dance contest?

- Sure. - I'd rather do a swan dive on a cactus.

Why?

Well, it's real depressing watching people your age do the lambada.

Have a nice day?

Well, I took that jacket down a peg or two.

Why don't you come upstairs with me?

I got a sweater that's been giving me trouble.

Harriette, make note.

Charlie Carnelli is not welcome in this house.

Fine. Who's Charlie Carnelli?

The biggest jerk down at the precinct. A jackass with a badge.

I thought that was your captain.

Come on.

Sit down, relax, tell me what happened.

Two weeks ago, this turkey transfers in from the South Side.

I could tell he was a goober from the get-go.

And how does this goober get you?

Everything's a competition with Charlie.

Who's got the best score down at the shooting range.

Who gets the most collars. Who can burp the longest.

I bet you won that one.

Well, of course, but that's not the point.

Today, Charlie starts shooting off his mouth...

about how he's gonna win the dance contest.

He starts telling everybody that he's the world's greatest dancer.

Now, that kind of bragging is childish, stupid and petty.

Carl, you are absolutely right.

So I told him we gonna wipe up the floor with him.

Carl.

Rachel!

Is Rachel here?

No, she's at work, but I'm sure she heard you.

Well, I'm gonna ask her to come up with a killer routine just for us.

I thought you said we were entering this contest for the fun of it.

Yeah, well, fun just went out the window. This is war.

A fight to the finish.

The Carnellis and the Winslows are gonna rumba.

Look at that.

Yeah.

That's what I'm saying.

That's right. RACHEL: Whoo!

Go there, big guy.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Whoo! EDWARD: Come on.

Watch yourself.

Yeah, now.

- You guys are great. - Mom, you can't lose.

Thanks, but let's hear it for my partner...

- Carl, the Dancer. - Oh, well...

Thank you. Thank you.

- What happened? - My back, it just went out...

and pain came in. Ooh, ooh!

Hurt. Ooh, hurt.

- Daddy, are you okay? - Daddy's fine, sweetheart. He's just fine.

Carl, maybe it'll help if I rub your back some.

Maybe it will. Go ah...

Maybe it won't.

Carl, is there anything I can get for you?

My gun.

That's it, I'm calling Dr. Van Lowe.

- Dad, can you straighten up at all? - No, no, but that's okay.

I mean, there are plenty of advantages to being bent over like this, sweetheart.

- Harriette? - Yes?

I need new shoes.

Well, Carl, that's it for the dance contest.

What?!

No... Ow! way! Ow!

Here, Dad, sit down.

- Okay. - Take a load off.

All right. Easy. Easy now. - Carl.

- Okay. Ooh, ooh! - Step up here.

- Okay. All right. - Careful.

- Just give me... Okay, give me... - Okay?

Oh, thank you, son.

I love you.

If you dance with a wrenched back, you're gonna injure yourself permanently.

Harriette, I can't drop out of the dance contest now.

I will not give Carnelli the satisfaction.

Real smart, Carl. And then after the contest...

you can just spend the rest of your life looking like a pretzel.

Carl, Dr. Van Lowe says he can see you in an hour.

And he said don't worry, he's got a treatment.

You see, Harriette?

He'll get me back in shape and I'll be just fine.

Okay, kids, come on, I need help.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

And we gotta hurry.

What's the rush? We don't have to be at the doctor's for an hour.

That's how long it'll take me to get to the car.

Come on. Ooh, ow!

Dad, Laura and I are going to the mall.

We need some money.

How much money do you need?

Twenty bucks should cover it.

My wallet is in my right front pocket.

Say, Dad...

I can clean you out and there's really nothing you could do about it.

Yeah, but eventually, I'd get out of this thing...

and I'd have to hunt you down.

Right, heh, heh.

You kids go and have a good time.

Want us to hang you out on the porch so you can get some sun?

Just go.

Finally. Peace.

Anybody home?

Let go of the door! Let go of the door!

Hey, Carl, you just hanging around? Heh-heh-heh.

What do you want, Steve?

World peace, but the reason I'm here is to ease your plight.

Thank you very much, Steve, but my plight's been eased.

Dr. Van Lowe said I'll be fine by the dance contest.

He says I have to hang in this thing for 10 days, four hours a shot.

That's much too much time to spend by yourself.

- So I'm gonna keep you company. - What?

Yep, I'm your bus ticket out of Lonesome Town.

That's very thoughtful, Steve...

I'm gonna be with you every single second you're in that thing.

Harriette?

Encyclopedia Britannica A.

Anybody?!

You know what, Carl?

The Carnellis are good.

Yeah, I gotta give that obnoxious jerk credit.

Steve, you like this kind of music?

Nah, not really.

Maybe there's hope for you yet.

I'm more of a polka kind of guy.

Carl. CARL: Ahem.

Charlie.

My wife, Harriette.

- Nice to meet you. - Hi.

My wife, Ellen.

My wife's prettier.

In your dreams.

Folks, before we get to our next contestants...

let's just take a moment to acknowledge the person...

who sold the most tickets for tonight's contest.

How about a big hand for Richie Crawford.

Richie! Yeah! MAN 2: Yeah!

Here it is.

Hey, might not be too long before that young man is in the contest.

Laura, how did Richie sell 137 tickets?

Well, I put his arm in a sling and stood him outside the Piggly Wiggly.

He sold out in less than an hour.

Laura, you have no shame.

I love that in a woman.

- How's your back? - Terrific.

Remember, Dr. Van Lowe said to go easy. Don't go overboard.

Harriette, I'm fine. So, Gregory Hines, look out.

Okay, it is time for our next contestants. Now, let's put your hands together...

for Harriette Winslow and her lovely husband, Carl.

I'm sorry.

Go get them.

Now, look, you two don't worry about a thing.

You got this puppy locked up.

Say, you're very pretty.

Well, thank you.

Now get off my stage.

- You ready? - Let's go for it, handsome.

- Woo-hoo! - Yes.

All right. Let's hear it for that couple. - Bravo! Encore!

- Weren't they great, huh? Thank you. STEVE: Bravo!

Bravo! Encore!

- You know, it's a real pleasure... Thank you. STEVE: Bravo!

Thank you.

It's a real pleasure to see such talent from the police commissioner's kids, huh?

Oh, they were very good.

Uh-oh! Okay, the results.

Oh, boy, this is the moment we've all been waiting for.

The winning couple of the Eighth Precinct's Annual Dance Contest is:

Charlie and Ellen Carnelli. - Yes!

And Carl and Harriette Winslow. We have a tie.

Whoa!

Okay. I know, I know.

Now, there will be a dance off to determine the winner.

And the judges have decided that the dance will be the...

uh-oh, jitterbug.

So let us just give it up for our finalists, huh?

And you people, just please take a bow, huh?

Come on.

Carl! RICHIE: Dad!

Dad! RACHEL: Carl!

Come on, honey, wave, wave to the people.

Carl, did your back go out again?

Out? It's on vacation.

I'll tell the judges we can't.

No. No.

We gotta beat the Carnellis. We're just a jitterbug away from victory.

Carl, this competition thing is driving you crazy.

You're in pain. When are you gonna give it up?

Never. Carl Winslow dances to the death.

Attaboy, Carl.

- Ow! Steve... Ow! It hurts! - Sorry.

Steve, go sit down. Go sit down. Carl.

Oh, Carl, you got a little back problem here?

Huh? Oh, no, Charlie, I was, uh... I was just admiring my shoes.

- Yeah, look, real leather. - Oh, well, I'm glad to see you're okay.

For a second there, I thought maybe you were gonna try to chicken out.

- What? - Heh-heh-heh.

- Charlie? - Ow, ow, ooh!

Charlie? Charlie, you okay?

Oh, it's my ankle, it's... Ahem, it's fine.

It's fine. It's a strong ankle. Real fine.

Okay, folks, it is time for the dramatic dance off.

Now, dancers, to the floor, please.

And here they come. Here they come. - Come on.

The dance of champions.

The champions of the dance. - Easy, ow, ow!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- Okay. Okay. - Are we ready?

- Give me your other hand. - Okay, boys, hit it.

- Easy. Easy. - Honey.

Easy.

- Hey, Ellen. Ellen, what are you doing? - Charlie, you're hurt. We gotta stop.

Uh, excuse me, what's going on here?

Well, we can't dance anymore. My husband sprained his ankle.

Oh, I'm sorry. You lose.

What?

Folks, the winners of this year's dance contest...

Can I say something please?

Uh...

You know, this competition thing has gotten way out of hand.

You know, I'm hurt, Charlie's hurt.

We both wanna win so bad that we're not having any fun.

- Right, Charlie? - Right, Carl.

So I think it's only fair that we declare this a tie.

I think we both deserve to win.

Yeah, I'll take it.

Hey, now, there is a noble gesture.

Isn't that great, folks? Is that great? Is that great, huh?

Unfortunately, it's against the rules. So hey, you both lose by default.

Okay, thank you very much.

And let's hear it for the winners, the commissioner's kids!

You were wonderful, absolutely wonderful.

What's your hourly rate? My peers are having...

And now let's turn the evening over to our young people and their music.

They are this country's future, so let's just grin and bear it, huh?

Young people, join me. Come.

"U Can't Touch This."

Can't touch this

Come on, baby.

My, my, my, my Music hits me so hard

Thank you for blessing me With a mind to rhyme and two hype feet

- Carl. - Huh?

- I'm proud of you. - Really?

Yeah, you had Charlie beat, they would've given us the trophy.

But instead, you showed what a good sport you could be.

Well, thanks, babe.

Come on, Mr. Bojangles, let's go home.

I'm gonna fix you a big banana split and then hang you up on the door.

You really know how to treat a guy.

While it's rollin', hold on

Pump a little bit And let 'em know it's goin' on

Like that, like that Cold on a mission so fall on back

Let 'em know