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[cheers and applause]

- You guys ready to meet
your headline act?

Let me hear you.

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[cheers and applause]
- Oh.

- Come on, people,
a little noise here.

[cheers and applause]

Your headliner,
ladies and gentlemen,

and one of the best comics
in the entire business--

please give me a warm,
loud round of applause

for the one and only
Dave Attell, everybody.

[cheers and applause]

Clap your hands, everybody,
for Dave Attell.

Here he comes, everybody,
Dave Attell,

everybody.

Come on, people.

Clap it up for Dave Attell.

Clap your hands.

Dave Attell, everybody.

Dave Attell.

[cheers and applause]

- Thank you very much.

Vinnie Brand, everybody.

Give him a hand.
Thank you so much.

It's great to be here

at the Stress Factory
in New Jersey.

Nice.

And, uh, I need a cameraman,
'Cause I'm broke.

So who's gonna
help me out here?

Miss, do you wanna
do the camerawork?

- Sure.
- Okay, there you go.

All right, I love it.

And how about you, dude,
everything good?

There we go.
Not that we don't trust you.

We have another guy
taping you.

All right, this is like--

this is like North Korea,
I love it.

What's your story?
We should know a little bit

about the people
behind the scenes here.

What do you do?

- I was a hairdresser.

- Oh, here we go,
all right.

[laughter]

Oh, look, you're already
doing your own sex tape.

Can you wait?

A camera goes on,
she gets wet.

Is that what it is here?
I mean--

here, here, here.

Whoa.

Wow.

I was doing a show one time
at this club, okay,

right up front,
a 12-year-old boy.

Now what kind
of parents--Cuban--

bring a kid like that
to see this filthy humor?

Ridiculous.

Good kid.

Now he's playing
for the Mets.

Anyway--what?

I give it to you guys.

It's hard to watch me
do my old shitty act

in front of the world's
last phone or something.

I mean, it's not my fault

Thomas Edison
is from this town,

and we all have to worship
his magical device.

Isn't it amazing how phones
used to be this big?

Look at that, right?

Everything's smaller now:

phones, dogs, dicks.

They've all gotten tinier,
but they do more.

These jokes aren't gonna be
all this clean, all right?

It's gonna be a filthy,
dirty mess of a show.

It really is.
[cheers and applause]

I know, some of you
are into it,

some of you aren't.

My dad used to beat me
when I was a kid.

And he'd always go, "Dave,
I really don't wanna hit you,

but this is the only thing
that gets me hard."

And you know what?
Hey.

Come on, it's a joke.

You know I don't know
who my dad is.

I have no idea.

I was raised in a carnival.

Keep it up here, all right?

Just on the punch lines,
just--yeah, like--

here's something
you rarely get to see,

a gangbanger eating
some strawberry shortcake.

This is, like--

is this a comedy club
or a Denny's in two hours?

What's going on here?

I love
a filthy pedophile joke

with a little piece
of strawberry shortcake.

All right,
'Cause I am evil.

[laughter]

You wanna switch?

See, look,
there's not much room

on the stage here.
This is great.

This is like an MMA fight
between two nerds.

This is great.

Ever do a bunch
of mushrooms,

think you're having
a pillow fight,

but it turns out
to be a live baby?

Has that ever happened
to anybody?

All right.
Just feeling the crowd out.

Seeing who's who here.

Hello?

Oh. Sorry.

My career called,
it's dead.

Um, sorry.

Let's go back
to the women here.

There's a lot
of hot women here.

All right, yeah.
Where are the single women?

None, there's no
single women anymore.

I don't blame 'em.

I like
when a woman's on top.

'Cause when a woman's on top,

you know what your job is?
Not to die.

That's all you have to do,
just lay there.

And you get a chance
to weigh her.

Yeah. Fuck all of you,
that's funny.

Now--I'm not gonna
wait for you guys anymore.

I like when a woman's on top.
They call it cowgirl style.

Yeah, some girls
wear a cowboy hat

as they're doing that.

That's a little too much.

A cowgirl hat
during cowgirl sex

is like a turban
on a plane.

It is totally--

[chuckles]

It's legal, but I'm not
sleeping on that flight.

I'm not.

I got one eye on you,
Zero Dark Thirty.

Yeah.

[chuckles]

How about reverse cowgirl?

That's when
they're facing away.

Have you--yeah, I don't know
who invented that,

but they were ugly.

Yeah, like,
"Hey, I'll bang ya,

"I just don't wanna
look at ya.

I mean--"

You gotta believe in yourself
as a dude,

when your woman does that.

Because, you know,
it does look like

she's getting up to leave.

It really does
look like, "Hey.

If you're gonna go,
bring back something to eat."

So--
[laughter]

I watch
all these reality shows.

I guess my favorite
would be this one

called, uh, the Pit Boss.

It's about a little guy.
His name is Shorty.

And, uh, he's--
you know, he's a midget.

[under breath] All right.
He's a midget, all right?

Don't worry, there's
no midgets here, all right?

It doesn't smell like cinnamon
and, you know,

confetti or nothing magical.

It's just--you know.

It's cool, all right?

Anyway, he goes to jail
for, like, ten years.

He's a little guy, okay.

I don't know what that is
in midget years.

I guess maybe, like,
150,000 million years.

I don't know.
I was homeschooled.

Gets out of jail,
and now he rescues pit bulls.

Which I think
he thinks are horses.

I'm not exactly sure.

Bang.
That's a joke, yeah.

Hard-core. Thank you.

[laughter]

I have never, ever seen
a midget mail a letter.

Have you guys--
have you ever seen that?

No.

Evidently,
the tall man does not

want the little man
communicating

his recipes and spells
and potions

through the magical blue box.

Let him mail a letter, huh?

I don't even think
they should have to use stamps,

which they call paintings,
'Cause, you know--

they should be able
to kiss the envelope,

and it just gets
wherever it needs to go.

Santa.

[laughter]

You guys are cool,
you're laughing at that.

I've done that joke with
a little person in the room.

They're not
that cool about it.

Mostly, you know,
'Cause I was drunk

and I was doing this
over his head.

So, you know,
God couldn't hear his prayers.

And, um--

they don't like
the word "midget."

They don't like
"little people."

What do they
wanna be called?

"People,"
that's what they want.

"People," okay.

If they're people,
then that bumps

the rest of us up
into being gods.

And that's a lot of work.

[Clears throat]

They should worship us,
or I'll make it

light and dark in here
with this magical cloud switch.

It's a light switch,
for those of you

who have no idea
what I'm doing here.

A light switch.

[laughter]

To sum up,
would I blow a midget?

You know I would.

'Cause I know his dick
tastes like toys.

So there you have it.

We'll be right back.
[chuckles]

[drumming, cheering]

- And now,
ladies and gentlemen,

put your hands together
for Mr. Dave Attell.

[cheers and applause]

- Keep it going
for 'em, everyone.

The legends of Polynesia.

Come on, Chicopee, Mass,
you can do it.

Excellent work.

Now that's the way
to start a show.

Am I right?
Yeah.

Now prepare to be bored to death
for the next hour.

Thank you, guys.

All right, take it easy.
- Thank you.

- All right.
Can you guys--

really, get back
in the shack, all right?

Just get back in that shack.

And the dude--
put a bra on, all right?

Really, got--
it's a family show here.

Keep it going.
Come on, guys.

You remember
that show Lost.

Give 'em a hand.

[cheers and applause]

oh, I'm not drinking
my fantastical drink.

Mmm. Mmm.

This is like,
I don't know,

getting a rim job
from a unicorn.

I can't even--

- You have some on your chin.

- I do?
- Yeah, just a little.

- Well, I hope
he calls me tomorrow.

[laughter]

That deserves
just a little one.

[faint rim shot]

Just a little--
a little something.

[laughs]

I divide my life up
into two parts,

before Honey Boo Boo
and after Honey Boo Boo.

Now, for those of you
who don't know who she is,

I don't even
know who she is.

Where did she come from?
I don't know.

Did her mom deep-throat
a corn dog on a Ferris wheel,

and she popped out?

She's cute.

But in three years from now,
when she's a mother,

it's gonna be a lot--
hello?

Wow.

Excuse me,
I'm just gonna step

into a Vietnam flashback
for a minute.

I'll be right back.

[chuckles]

It's a hot L.Z.

"I need to get pulled out!"

[chuckles]

Too family-oriented in here.

I don't like it.
I don't like it.

I expected, like,
drunk dudes, you know,

just fucking coming here

'Cause they can't afford
to go to a strip club.

I mean, you know.

- Take it off!
- I went to a strip club.

And you can always tell
how good it is by the name.

This one was called
"The Double Chin."

Now that was not good.

10 bucks to get in,
20 to get out.

It was horrible.

I went to one,
it was a vegan strip club.

Can you believe this?
Vegans, yeah.

I walk in,
the girls are so weak,

they can't even
climb the pole.

They're hanging on
like koala bears.

They were licking the pole
for iron.

It was so sad.

[laughter]

one of the vegans
says to me,

"You should go down on a vegan,
we taste better."

Oh, really?

I can speak
for every guy in here.

As long as it doesn't
taste like balls,

it's all right, really.

'Cause balls are disgusting,
aren't they?

Wow.

And they stink.
Yeah, they do.

All right,
I'll speak for my balls.

On my best day,
my balls might

smell like a foot,
on my best day.

And the sack, ugh.

The sack,
growing all the time.

My sack looks like a tent

no one knows
how to fold up.

It's just all over the place.

[laughter]

And the penis is ugly,
huh?

Ew.

That's what they
should've called it, "Ew."

Have you ever seen a penis
before and after sex?

What happened?

Before, it's hard,
full of Jager and lies.

It's got a plan.
It's on a mission.

[laughter and cheering]

It goes in, right?

Three minutes,
two if you're married,

it comes popping out.

It's all twisted,
covered in goo,

blinking or twitching.

What is it doing
down there?

It looks like
all the odd number Rocky movies.

Yeah, just defeated.

[laughter]

Thank you.

My cameraman, dude.

[laughter]

What the fuck?

- Oh, my god!

- Dude, you're my camera guy.

- Put that phone down!

- If this was CNN
we would've missed

the whole Arab Spring, dude.

Oh, now you're overdoing it.

"Oh, look at me,
I'm really trying now."

Too late!

Back to the sex jokes.

Sex toys.

Say what you want about 'em,

but there's never
been a recall.

So wherever they make 'em,

they're making 'em
pretty good.

I think they make 'em
in China, yeah.

Little kids are
making our sex toys.

And I know it's sick,
but it does make it

a little more erotic,
knowing their little hands

are all over 'em.
Mmm.

[chuckles]

[laughter]

They got
a double-headed dil--

they got
the double-headed dildo.

"What kind of phone
is this?"

"Back to work!"

What's your favorite sex toy?

Can I talk--
can you get this, dude?

Okay, good.

Okay, so just
for continuity,

I'm just gonna bring this tree
with me, so--

[laughter]

Miss, what--
[exhales]

what's your favorite sex toy?
What do you like?

- The Celebrator.
- The Celebrator?

Is he in town?
Wow.

[chuckles]

The Celebrator--
what is that?

- It looks like
a toothbrush.

- I think
you're being fooled.

That's an Oral-B that
you're putting in your hooch.

[laughter]

You know what guys have now?

The anywhere vagina.
Have you ever seen this?

- Pocket pussy?
- A pocket pussy?

Whoa. Is that
the technical term?

Okay.

I call it living in
my mom's basement way too long.

[all cheering]

Back me up on this.

It's a vagina with a sticky
on the back, and you lick it,

and then you put it on the wall,
and then you fuck it.

Okay, it's idiot-proof.

What I like to do is
buy a bunch

and leave 'em on hotel walls
all over the country.

Kind of a Johnny Appleseed
of filth.

[laughs, coughs]

Sorry, guys.

That's what smokers
call breathing.

Oh, what happened?
[audience ohs]

Oh, no.

Scott, you knocked over
my drink.

Get a picture of that.

Somewhere a clown fell down.

You can tell, 'cause anytime
you spill a daiquiri--

[chuckles]

Look at that, wow.

Careful, Scott, you're gonna
knock over the fake palm tree.

So since you guys
love filth,

I think you're gonna
appreciate this.

Do you know
what anal beads are?

[hushed laughter]

Excuse me, out front
did it say, "magic show"?

No, it didn't.

It said,
"Polynesians and filthy guy."

That's what it said.

Anal beads, what's--
what do you think is worse:

more beads coming out
than went in

or the missing bead?

No man left behind.

That's how I was taught.

Looks like a job
for the rescue gerbil.

Yes.

That joke was--
did everybody eat?

I should've said that
before that joke.

Did everybody?
Okay, good.

Minneapolis,
Acme comedy club.

[cheers and applause]

yep.
Wow, this is good.

All right,
I'm doing this on a budget,

so I'm gonna
need someone to help me

be my cameraman.
Who wants to do it?

You wanna do it?
- Sure.

- There ya go.
This guy looks great.

What's your name, sir?
- Justin.

- What's it?
- Justin.

- Are you a fan of comedy?
- Absolutely.

- All right, I'm gonna
change that right now.

All right.

Thanks for coming down,
guys.

It's great to be here
in Minneapolis.

You guys,
this is the whitest town

I've ever seen
in my life.

Yes.

If Christian Mingle
was a place,

it would be here,
right here.

But you're good people.

You are the healthiest,
nicest people.

You're, like,
almost Canadian.

I really think--

oh, it got a little ugly there,
didn't it, huh?

Everybody here
is on a bicycle.

Hmm, yeah.

That is queer.

I mean, everybody--

I saw a guy today my age
on a bike.

That is just weird.

You see a guy, an old man,
on a bike like that,

you're like,
"That dude has a DUI.

"That guy is just a drunk.

"He's a drunk.

Look at him."

I like booze.
I'm a booze guy.

Justin, do you like booze?
Yeah, there you go. I can tell.

- Just a little bit.
- Just a little bit?

There's nothing wrong
with it.

Whiskey is a great drink.

Now whiskey's very classy
and adult,

till you shit your pants.

But other than that,
it is great.

Now you think of whiskey,
you think of, like,

a sad old white man.

Like, a guy like me
in the rain,

screaming the word "whore"
at a house he used to own.

"Hey, whore.

"Are you enjoying that home,
you whore?

I built that deck!"

[laughter]

Women drink whiskey now too,
right?

Whiskey drinkers,
there you go.

Women drink whiskey,
and they always

class it up
with a little Diet Coke.

Why Diet Coke?

You're drinking whiskey,

the wildest drink
known to man.

Are you really
counting calories

while you're
drinking whiskey?

"Well, I don't wanna look flabby
two hours from now

when I'm tag-teaming truckers
on a pool table."

[laughter]

"I don't wanna
look all puffy

as I'm screaming the n-word
at an eclipse."

All right, sorry.

That one would've killed
in Idaho.

So--

I like to hold the door open
for a woman,

'Cause I think
that's very gentlemanly, yeah.

But I only hold it open
about this much.

Yeah.

And if you
can't squeeze through,

I will make pig noises
till you do.

"Get in there.

"Get in there, hog,
come on.

There's cheese in there."

[laughter]

[Clears throat]
I guess what I'm trying to say

is I wanna have a family.

Kids are great.

Dogs are way better than kids,
am I right?

Yeah, wow.

'Cause you can shake a dog
and not go to jail.

I think that's really good.

Justin, you're good?

You can move the camera around
a little bit.

It's all right.

This isn't baby's first steps
or anything like that.

I want it--
I want it nasty, motherfucker.

[laughter]

This is a progressive state.

You guys just
legalized gay marriage.

You did it, yeah.

Give yourselves a hand, yes.

[cheers and applause]

I am for gay marriage,
okay?

Yeah, as long as they're both
the same race,

I don't see anything wrong
with it.

[laughter]

No, 'cause every guy's
done something gay.

We've all had a gay moment.

I know this,
'Cause I'm from the future.

I know it.

Whether it's an uncle
teaching you

how to make a tie
while you're both

not wearing pants, huh?

Hey.

Or just wearing a scarf.

Have you ever worn a scarf?

It's a little fruity.
It's a little fruity.

"Well, I gotta
keep my throat warm,

"Just in case there's
a cock-sucking competition

"On Balls-on-my-chin Avenue.

Oops."

You good?
That was excellent.

That was like Ice Capades,
synchronized.

[laughter]

I do magazines.
Anybody else?

Yeah, magazines.

'Cause I'm old,
but I still masturbate.

But I take an aspirin first.

Anyway--for my heart.

Did you guys know--
there's young guys here.

Did you know that porn
was originally

in magazine form,
and before that,

it was puppets,
and then it was just

homeless guys
who needed food.

We just had 'em act out.

Magazines are cool,
because as you're masturbating,

you also get to do this.

Whoa.

I'm, like,
a sophisticated pervert.

[chuckles]

Justin,
what do you think, huh?

Look at that,
thumbs up from Justin.

I found a butt plug
on a city bus one time.

Can you believe that?
Yeah.

How do I know?
'Cause it fit perfectly.

Come on, guys.

Easy joke. Wow.

[laughter]

Anal bleaching--
what do you guys think?

No, as a baby name.

Do you like it or no?

Bang, bang, bang.

This is great.

We got
some young guys here, right?

Some warriors? Okay.

If a girl says,
"Put it in my ass,"

she's a dude.

All right.

A little something I learned
in the Scouts.

We'll be right back.

What's up, Philadelphia?
How's it going?

Let's hear it, come on.

Philadelphia.

[cheers and applause]

Look at you guys.

Wow.
I'm gonna need some help.

Can somebody be
my cameraman tonight?

Who would--
who would like to do it?

It's gotta be somebody
in the front row.

You wanna do it?
Okay, cool.

Could you look more
out of work, sir?

I mean, really?

Look at this guy.
Here you go.

Thank you so much.
What's your name?

- I'll see ya.
- Whoa!

First time in eight shows,
I love it.

What's your name, dude?
- Paul.

- I don't know why
I gave the camera to Paul.

I should've given it
to this sad-looking,

Mumford & Son guy over here.

World's worst seat.
Where's your chick?

You have no--no chick?
- Waiting for the escort.

- Yeah, you're waiting
on an escort?

Finally, the other guy
I've been meeting online.

All right, dude.

This is what
my comedy's about.

Don't let this weird banner
from Game of Thrones

frighten you, okay?

What are you drinking?

- Yuengling.
- A Yueng--

all right, Philly, got it.

All right, I get it.

And then you're gonna go home
and cry to Boyz II Men?

What are you gonna do?

I mean, you don't have
to Philly it up all the time.

Philadelphia.

Let's look
at the background here.

This is definitely not Philly,
'Cause look at all that parking.

And, um, there's no one

running after me
for my iPhone,

wearing a wig,
so I don't see--

you guys are very protective
of your town.

I don't blame you one bit.

I don't blame you
one bit.

We need
to legalize stuff here.

Pot should be legal.

I think everybody
in this crowd--

Paul, right, pot?
- Yes.

- Are you a pot guy or no?
- No.

- Exactly, you're, like,
at that age

where, like,
"If I can't afford coke,

I'll do nothing."

Pot should be legal.

Have you ever seen a pothead
get arrested?

It's a sad arrest, okay.
They handcuff him.

He has no idea
what's going on.

He thinks he's being shown
a magic trick.

He has nothing--
no idea.

What are the cops
so afraid of?

The guy is smoking pot,
a silly, harmless drug.

It's a vitamin in Baltimore.

I don't even know--

"Oh, watch out,
he's smoking pot.

"He might have a long story
with no ending on him.

This guy's a pothead."

[laughter and applause]

Philly is a great town,

but let's get
right to it, okay?

That cheesesteak is
out of control.

I'm kind of a big guy myself,
so I figure I can handle it.

But as I get older, I realize
I gotta plan the cheesesteak.

Like, I can eat one, fine.

But the next day,
it's anyone's game.

I don't know
when it's gonna come out,

how it's gonna come out,

where it's gonna come out.

That is a hard dump,
the cheesesteak dump.

I mean, it's not so much
the steak,

it's that bukkake of Whiz
in there, okay?

Just that, like, bang.

[chuckles]
I mean, that's a bad dump.

It's more of a hate crime
than it is a dump.

It's the kind of dump
where you gotta

flush, spray,
and paint, okay?

It's that kind of--
hello?

I got more.

It's the kind of dump--

it's the kind of dump
where if your dog walks in,

he'll back out like a cat.

That's the kind of dump.

Yes.

[laughter]

This is disgusting.

This is inappropriate,
I apologize.

Let's pull it back a bit.

Fisting.
All right, fisting.

Do we have people
from other countries here?

I'm always curious to what--
what they call fisting.

Au bon pain
or the other--

fencing without swords?

What do you guys call it?

I can speak
for every woman in here.

There is no romantic way
to fist someone.

Even if you were
on a cruise ship,

the sun is setting,
you just had a delicious buffet,

and now
it's vicious fisting.

And as your man pulls out,
in his dirty filthy palm,

you notice
an engagement ring.

You'd be like--

[laughter and applause]

You'd be like, "Why didn't you
put it in my salad?"

"Well, I kinda did,"
and then you'd wink.

You would wink.

I know what it is,
it's incredibly hot.

Let me--let me get
this Kmart fan on everybody.

Is that what it is?
It's a little hot down here.

So let me get this Kmart--

or as we call it up north,
black Macy's--

let me get this fan
on everybody.

Did you get some?
Paul, are you getting some?

Is it blowing back
the laughter?

Is that what it's doing?

It does feel good, doesn't it?
Oh, my God.

You know what we should
do tomorrow, early?

- What?
- Balloon rides, let's go.

Has anyone been
in a hot air balloon?

That has gotta
be the coolest,

'Cause you're not really
in the--

pick a side, dude,
I mean, really.

[chuckles]

Why do I pay him
in Red Bulls and meth?

I don't know
what I was thinking.

Scott.

I am killing down here.

Dude, high-five me
on that one.

Thank you.
Are you having fun?

[laughter]

I like how you guys laugh,
but you look at me

like there's an Amber Alert
waiting to happen.

So it's like,
I'm sorry, I apologize.

Some of you are laughing,

'Cause you see it as a joke
and not a plan.

So I think that's great.

But there's always the one guy
after the show

who takes it
a little too far.

Like, "Oh,
that's not cool, man.

I was molested by a priest."

That's awkward, right?
What am I supposed to say?

Well, this is what
I did say:

"You are a good-looking kid.

I mean, you know--"

[laughter]

"You should've held out
for a bishop.

"What can I tell ya?

I mean,
they come at ya diagonally."

Anybody, chess?

[laughter]

I give that joke
three Sanduskys.

I'm telling ya--
hey, come on!

It's time.

It is time.

Paul, are you getting this?
This is crazy action.

How about you,
the lord of no energy?

Are you enjoying this?
No?

What Jerry Sandusky did
was wrong.

But I do wanna
know one thing:

were those kids
playing better?

Now, I--

hear me out!

I used to play
a little ball in school.

I know that would've put
some of the hustle in me,

if I knew my coach
was gonna fuck me in the shower.

Yes.

"Hey, Attell,
rub-a-dub-dub."

"Oh, shit.
Huddle up, guys."

[laughter]

Relax.

There's no huddle in tennis.

Now--

you're laughing.
Now I know it's funny.

[laughter]

Let's throw one out
for the ladies.

Now, is size important,
ladies?

- Yes.
- Exactly.

That was a little too quick.
All right.

But there's such a thing
as too big, am I right?

I mean, like,
if it's big enough--

no? Who is this girl?

[laughs]

Who is this girl,
and how is she able to sit down?

That's what I wanna know.

Like, let's say his dick
was snow,

and it was so big,
it could close a school.

Would that be--
[laughter]

I did that one
for the South Jersey people.

No? All right.

Women are amazing, okay.

Going down on a woman--

does any guy know
how to do this good?

- No.
- Who said that?

Miss, how come
you're not sitting up front,

and this wall of hate
is up here?

[laughter and applause]

I don't know
what I'm doing down there.

This is what I do, okay?

Are you with me?
This is what I do.

I pretend
I'm in a bank robbery, yeah.

I get low, I shake, and I just
wait for instructions.

I'm like, "Mm-hmm. Mmm."

[laughter and applause]

Thank you.
You've been to a bank.

You would have to go to a bank
to understand that.

[cheers and applause]

I assume women like
when a guy does that, right?

Here's a fun thing
to do next time.

Okay, next time your guy goes
in that area,

do this, okay?
It'll blow his mind.

Come eventually.

I mean, it'll just--
yeah, yeah.

As a goof, just as a goof.

Move around, blink,
twitch, do something.

I mean, really,
I don't think a sex act

should be longer
than a Civil War reenactment,

but that one is.

If you even yawn,
I'll high-five your foot.

It's over, we're done.

We're watching TV.

Nice.

[laughter]

But to be fair to women,

'Cause this isn't Pakistan,

I gotta tell ya...

[laughter]

you ladies are so smart.

You figured out a way
to blow a guy

without even blowing him.

Look how quiet it got,
'Cause you know I'm right.

No, there's a lot
of licking going on

and a lot of tugging,
but very little sucking.

Yeah, you've been there,
right?

"Oh, look, daddy, I'm licking it
like an ice cream.

What do you think?"

I think
you're taking a break,

that's what I think.

Yeah, 'cause you're talking.

You're talking.

You're talking,
and that's, like,

90% of a blow job,
is you can't talk.

You're just taking a break.

If this was
the blow job factory,

you'd be leaning
on a broom,

telling a story,
while everybody else

would be busy
making blow jobs.

We all know
what a blow job looks like--

back of the throat,
can't breathe, can't talk,

mascara dripping
down your cheeks,

like you just saw a clown
hit by a truck.

That's a blow job.

[laughter and applause]

[coughs]
Shit.

Don't worry,
it's not airborne,

whatever that was.

All right.
[chuckles]

I did a show one time--
are you ready?

Okay, you're a good crowd.

I did a show one time
for these special needs kids.

Okay, yeah.
It was a benefit, okay.

I did a benefit
for the special needs kids.

And they were
heckling me, okay?

No, and it hurt.

'Cause unlike them,
you know, I feel.

And I'll tell ya--
yeah, no.

I know.

I know they feel
hot and cold,

but I'm talking
the whole rainbow of feelings.

All right?

They were heckling me.

Not like you guys,
special heckles.

And that--
yeah, that is weird.

The biggest one, right?

I assume he was the leader,

'Cause he's wearing
all these medals, right?

Like I said, this is not--

not an appropriate joke.

All right,
the biggest one,

he stands up,
and he starts pointing at me.

And he's like,
"You're not candy.

We want candy.
You're not candy."

Hours later,
I talk to their handler, right?

I'm like, "What?

"What is up
with this candy,

'You're not candy' thing?"

And she's like,
"Well, either you're sweet

and delicious,
or you're not."

And I'm like,
"Oh, you're one of 'em."

So once again,
not for everybody.

Okay, hours later,
or as they say, "this manys,"

we're at--stay--

just stay with me.

We're at the aquarium,

or as they call it,
the sea zoo,

you know, where--

where the wet animals live.

We're at--

[laughter]

I'm so sorry.

We're at the aquarium,

and the specials
are riding dolphins, okay?

They got 'em in helmets.

They're just throwing 'em
in the dolphin tank,

just throwing 'em in.

Throwing 'em in
like the dolphin's

gonna swim the special
out of 'em.

Just throwing 'em in.

The dolphin isn't liking it.
The specials aren't liking it.

They're all making--they're all
making the same noise.

They're like,
"Aah, aah, aah."

Which means "you're not candy"
in dolphin.

Now, some of you
are not laughing

'Cause you have a soul.

Others--

others are like,
"What a waste of dolphin!

"Throw 'em in a baby pool
with a wet dog,

and tell 'em
it's a dolphin."

The poor man's dolphin ride.

You all right?

There you go, it's over.

Wow, look at
all that energy.

[cheers and applause]

I knew a good old-fashioned
special needs joke

would get you guys going.

- Let's get to the reason
why we're all here.

Please welcome
Mr. Dave Attell.

[cheers and applause]

- All right, we're here
at One Eyed Jacks, New Orleans.

All fun stuff was invented
in New Orleans.

Jazz, huh?

All: Yeah!

- Poker, craps, looting.

You guys know
what you're doing here.

There you go.
This one drunk.

He knows what
I'm talking about.

This member
of the Duck Dynasty,

coming in and out of--

coming in and out
of the bayous,

trading ducks
and gator skins

for clean needles
and baby wipes.

I don't know what they do.

I don't know
what's going on here.

[laughter]

Oh, good, a switch.

Now--this is tough.

I watch a lot of porn.

You guys watch porn,
don't you?

[cheers and applause]

Girl-on-girl,
do you know this type

of genre of porn,
this niche, girl-on-girl?

Yeah, it's when one girl
has a drug problem,

and the other one
needs to pay rent.

And they just scissor

until they
break their dads' heart.

It's a--

this porn star I know goes,
"You know,

they don't come
when they do that."

I'm like,
"Well, I do, all right?

So keep doing it."

Won 'em back.

[laughter]

The real hero in that joke
is lubricant.

Do you guys use lube?

Probably not.

You just rub
a little jambalaya

down on your holes
and let it happen.

What am I talking about lube
in this town?

Everything's
fucking lube here.

- Whoo!

- I think women
enjoy lube, right?

Ladies, huh? Your chick?
[Women cheer]

Mr. Uncomfortable
and his woman over here, right?

[laughter]

I don't know
what Groupon deal you did

to do this fucking show,
dude.

You do not--

all right, lube.

When you pull out lube
in a relationship,

women are into it.

Pull out a 2-, 3-gallon jug
of lube, right?

She gets that--
gets that look in her eyes.

"Wow, if he can
afford lubricant,

"He probably
can afford breakfast.

"This guy is great.

I better
put my teeth in, whoa."

All: Ohh!

- Oh, fuckin' just

pull back your mullet
and take it.

Jeez.

What's going on here?

In the commercial for lube,

they always show
the fun pre-lubing,

never that post,
awkward lube clean-up, you know?

It's just a total mess.

You're wearing a hazmat suit,
your girl's slipping on it,

your dog's licking it, there's
a thumbprint on the alarm clock.

Oh.
[laughter]

Wow, the crowd's rolling.
It's rolling.

We're on.

Are you having a good time?
Yeah, this is good, right?

How about the--the row of guys
who kind of look like me?

You guys?
It's like the three--

the Mount Rushmore
of fucking lonely.

Here we are, just bald.

There's something
about flip-flops in this town

that I don't know if it's
either courageous or stupid.

- Awesome!

- How many puddles
of vomit and urine

and just discharge
do you have to jump?

Can I get a Kahlua and cream
and just a pot to boil my toes?

Can I just--gonna go over
to the Voodoo shop

and put some liniment
on that now.

Make yourself at home, man.

Wow, he's the first guy
we've been taping ever.

He's the first guy
who really made it his own.

Did you get a lot of practice
on that show Cheaters?

They're sending
their security in now, man.

[crowd groaning]
uh-oh.

The crowd is going--
something's happening here.

- You ruined everything!

- It's a hostage situation.

Well, hold his hand,
help him down like a lady.

Help down like a lady!

What happened
to southern hospitality?

[mumbling]

Isn't that the saddest thing,

that's the most exciting
fucking thing

that's happened so far?
Fuck.

Don't drink and drive.
That's what I'm saying, guys.

Take a pedicab.

They're out there right now.
That's the way to see a town.

Slow, hot,
with just a hint of slavery.

I love it.

When I get out,
I don't tip 'em, I free them.

I'm like, "Keep running!

"Keep running
till you hit Maryland!

Keep pedaling and pumping."

This joke needs more cord!
Help me out!

Thank you.
Fuck.

That was like an episode
of Deadliest Catch.

Ugh.

People want you to smoke
the e-cigarette.

Have you seen it?
Yeah.

I was smoking one of these
things, people don't like that.

I was smoking it,
a woman walks in front of me,

she starts coughing and waving
her hand in front of her face.

Why?
Oh, she doesn't wanna get

any science in her?
Is that what it is?

Oh, oh, secondhand new ideas.
Oh!

My hair smells like
Stephen Hawking's ball sack.

- Oh!

- I'm just covering a fart.

Go ahead.

- Louder!
You gotta talk louder.

- I--you can't hear me?

Wow, way to kill a boner
with that voice.

Holy shit.

The anti-Viagra.

[drawls]
"Hey, you comin' in or what?

This pussy isn't
gonna eat itself."

[woman hollers]

How about a hand for the guy
who's gotta fuck that?

How about that now?
[applause]

You wanted
a hard motherfucker,

I'm a hard motherfucker
in this room!

I was dating a girl
with a lazy eye for a while.

Mostly 'cause she was good
at finding parking.

But I'll tell ya--
[laughter]

I'm the w--
I'm the worst comic.

I am just horrible.

- Handicapped!
- Oh, you've never driven around

with a cockeyed bitch?

Well, this whore--
this half-lizard,

she could find a spot
two clicks back.

She was that good.

But I never could
pull a facial on her.

No, she could see it coming
two days ahead of time.

Facials.

Not many women are into it,

but if God didn't want you
to do it,

why did he give you eyelids?
All right?

Scripture says!

Women are into it,
but then at the last second,

their dignity kicks in,
now they turn away.

Well, there's no pause
on a dick.

Now you're gonna catch one
in the back of the head,

or as they call it up north,
"A Lincoln."

I'll tell ya--

[laughter]

Some girls--some girls use

their teddy bear
as a Secret Service agent

to block the shot.

No.

"You can't come
on a teddy bear!

That's Cajun bad luck."

Jizz has no sound.

That's why guys
add their own rough commentary

to let the woman know
that something

that is not ice cream
is about to hit her in the face.

It's called being a gentleman,
all right?

[laughter]

It's always
rough, dirty talk.

Like, "Take it, you whore!
You're loving this shit!

"I'm dropping bombs.
I'm dropping bombs!

Flappity flippity!
Aw--you're adopted."

Now--

they don't mean that at all.

But these guys--
these guys are porn stars.

They got multiple loads.
I'm an old man.

My load looks like
a homeless guy

blowing his nose
on the street.

It's just--
there's no glory to it.

It's just a load, dribble,
dribble, dribble, steam.

That's all it is.

[cheers and applause]

We did it!

Here's to you, man.
Excellent work, Scott.

Thank you very much.

I love you, New Orleans.

You guys are great.
Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

- On the face, disgusting.
Not many women are into it.