Original subtitles

[woman] ...winners this time, huh?

[man] Oh, you enjoy being buried in the sand.

[laughter]

♪ Michelob Light for the winners ♪

[narrator] Would good friends really play this hard for a beer?

Well, it is Michelob Light.

The rich smooth taste you can compare to any beer you like.

♪ Michelob light for the winners ♪

[on phone] Feemer, this is Adolph Norbecker,

President of Norbecker Breweries.

I just called to tell you that I'm watching some beer commercials.

And I am just loving what I am seeing.

There is only one problem of course, Feemer,

they're not my beer commercials.

Oh, look at it, oh, I wish you could see this.

They have speed boats going back and forth, full of guys and girls.

And what have you created for me?

What have you and your brain trust made for me?

A six-pack of nonsense

and I am not just whistling Dixie cups here.

I'm going to the Hark & Melrose Agency for lunch this afternoon, Feemer.

And I am going to see can they make me a commercial

that will keep my viewers awake!

[slamming phone]

[indistinct chatter]

I like your suit.

Who's your tailor?

Borrow it anytime you like, Dickler.

D-Y-K-E.

[Feemer] Gentlemen, good morning.

[all] Good morning, Mr. Feemer.

Grace, I wouldn't be surprised if some of the gentlemen

wouldn't perhaps enjoy a cup of coffee

as per usual in our conference room meetings.

[Grace] Yes, Mr. Feemer.

Gentlemen, I, uh,

I just got off the phone with A.J. Norbecker.

The man responsible for 62% of our business.

Ah, I know, it's ridiculous, but there you have it.

He doesn't seem very pleased

with our current ad campaign for Norbecker Beer.

Well, if you'll peruse the graph behind me here,

you'll notice that sales of Norbecker Beer are tapering off a bit.

In fact... They're plummeting!

Word has it that Norbecker's already talking with the Hark & Melrose Agency.

It's true. It's true. I am not fabricating this one iota.

Of course,

I reminded Mr. Norbecker that I have the best Ad men that money can buy.

Masters in their field.

Prize winning Ad men. The top, top Ad men that you can look at.

Of course, I lied. I told a whopper!

You're not Ad men. You're not the top, top. You're the bottom, bottom.

The little, little, tiny, weeny, little maggots,

walking around in this kind of configuration. You are bird-witted bunglers.

Cabbage-headed twits. Am I right, Reemer?

-Yes. -You're fired.

Get out. Pack up your locker.

Put all your things in a little bag and walk on out of here.

Don't look back. Press the "down" button.

Gentlemen...

I promised Mr. Norbecker that we would come up

with a brand new concept to sell Norbecker Beer.

Ah, Smythe, you're the creative director.

Ah, have you got anything you can throw out at us here?

Ah, ah, yes, I certainly do. I certainly do.

I put together something here, um...

We get a bunch of guys, they work in construction.

And after a hard day's work,

they reach for some Norbecker Beer.

They all reach for a beer. Each one gets a beer.

Then they hold them up.

Yes?

That's it.

Symthe, you're fired!

Get out. Take your lunch box.

Walk on down the hall. Skate on out of here. Use the service entrance.

Get out. Get out! Get out!

It was an idea. It was an idea that I had. I thought they'd hold them up...

-[Feemer] Get out! -It was something that...

Out, Smythe, get out!

Now, who is it, uh, that we're trying to appeal to

with our current ad campaign for Norbecker Beer?

Gentlemen, who drinks Norbecker Beer?

-Mr. Feemer? -Yes, Miss Tucker.

What does the lady executive have to say?

Mr. Feemer, I think I know the kind of image we want for Norbecker.

-You do? -Mmm-hmm.

Enlighten us.

Mr. Feemer,

we need a specific kind of man to represent our product.

He needs to be very, very special.

[B.D.] A man with class. A man who exudes an aura.

A man for the '80s. And yet, someone with whom every man can identify,

because that's who drinks beer.

[horns honking]

Cone on. Move that car!

Nearly six billion gallons of it last year in this country alone.

Now, although women constitute a negligible segment of the market,

the guy we're looking for, should appeal to them as well.

-A man's man that every guy can relate to. -You're fired.

Sure of himself. Secure.

A man who stands out.

-[boy] Bye, Dad. -Okay. Take it easy.

Have a good day.

[B.D.] And yet blends in.

A man driven to be an individual

when society demands conformity.

America wants one of their own.

Let the people see a reflection

just a little bit nicer than they expected.

A man who chases his dreams

and won't let go until he runs them down

and makes them real.

Hey, it ain't paid for yet, God damn it!

What I'm saying, Mr. Feemer, is,

let's show an average man with the brains and savvy to stay on top of the world.

Excuse me, B.D.

But if he's got brains and savvy,

who is going to identify with him?

[all laugh]

Certainly not you, Dickler.

[laughing loudly]

[Feemer] B.D., I like it.

I'm not sure what it is, but it's got something.

See what you can work up on this.

You've got carte blanche on this one.

Everyone here will help.

Look at them as a think tank.

A fantastic brain trust.

A fertile reserve of concentrated thought.

The creme de la creme.

Now, if we all put our heads together on this one,

God knows what we'll come up with.

[music playing]

What's your angle on this, B.D.?

Oh, right now, concept-wise, I'm winging it.

I've got a beer in search of an image

and that's where you come in, Buzz.

Do the brewery people know that I'm on board?

I broke the news to Norbecker this morning.

How'd they take it?

Well, I'm not going to lie to you. They weren't crazy about it, Buzz.

I had to really go to bat for you. I really fought them.

But they want macho. And if anybody can give me macho, it's you.

My two-time award winner.

World War II flying ace. Huh?

I haven't worked in 10 years.

King of the westerns.

Washed up alcoholic.

Dry alcoholic. On the wagon.

You're not going to give me a problem, are you, Buzz?

You just put me behind that camera again.

You got it, Buzzy.

I lost my job today.

I'm such a moron.

My mom's going to kill me.

So, ah... What's your name?

-Merle. -I'm Frankie.

You know something, Merle? You don't look too good. From out of town?

I've been working my way north from Lubbock.

That's in West Texas.

I feel like I've been kicked out of every state between here and there.

But I reckon this here is the end of the line.

My car was towed away.

Welcome to the Big Apple.

Well, I'm gonna get towed away myself.

I'm going to get wrecked, then towed away.

Hey, Freddie, two more here.

And don't make 'em all foam.

[coughs]

Ah, you must be, ah,

Washington.

Ah, no sir. I'm Morrison. Elliot Morrison.

Oh, yes, Morrison. Morrison.

What can I do for you, Morrison?

Mr. Talbot, um...

I've been with this firm for close to eight years now.

Excellent.

Well, I'm still handling mostly bankruptcy cases,

but no corporate accounts.

That's fine.

You see, that's just what I wanted talk to you about.

Sir, I feel like I've been passed over by this firm.

I hope you're not accusing us of unfair discriminatory practices.

-No, sir. -No, sir.

Well, that's fine. Excellent.

Mr. Talbot, I need an advance.

I'm in a little bit of personal financial difficulty.

I'm overextended on some investments.

Did you use your little toothbrush?

I want to see my face in my shoes.

Yes, sir.

Mr. Talbot, I've got to have this advance. My wife...

My wife she doesn't even know. I... I... I've got to have it.

Calm down, Washington. Calm down.

I'll think about the advance.

Meanwhile, you stay in bankruptcy.

That way you'll have the experience to handle your own case.

[chuckling]

[narrator on TV] The clean crisp taste that says Budweiser.

[singing on TV]

This Bud's for you.

-Freddie, my boy, how's the roast beef? -[Freddie] Rare.

Would you like a drink, my dear?

Can they make a decent martini in this place?

You bet. Double martini, straight up. Hold the fruit.

Ginger ale for me.

Charming, charming.

I like it. And when I'm in town, this is my place.

I'm telling you what,

you lose your car. I lose my job.

Right.

Who knows how long he's got until he gets canned.

Why else would he be drinking at 1:00 in the afternoon.

How about you, pal? Lose something?

His job and his mind, all in a day.

Research shows me that men are afraid of women.

They're afraid of their sweethearts, their mothers, their wives.

They're afraid of losing their jobs,

losing their hair, losing their erections.

I've got to help these poor guys feel better about themselves.

Men will drink the beer that makes them feel more like men.

I don't hold a lot of stock in this Madison Avenue crap, B.D.

You just tell me what you want.

I'm looking for something, something different.

Something breakthrough.

Norbecker Pilsner's very own Marlboro Man.

[narrator on TV] Here comes the king of beers.

♪ Here comes the king Here comes the king ♪

Want another?

You're going to have to put all your money in this bag.

Are you kidding? I think you've had enough.

You better be going. Go on, go on, get out of here.

It will all fit in here. I know it will. Please.

That's enough. Now, beat it.

You don't want me here?

If I have to come around this bar...

I'm going to have to kill somebody.

All right. That's enough.

-[woman screaming] -[Merle] Hey, buddy.

Whoa, hey. Ah, ah, don't you think you better cool down?

Don't you think that's a good idea?

All right, everybody get in the bag.

Everybody get in the bag now.

Now, come on, pal. Now, now, we can't fit in that bag.

You... I want you in that bag now.

Jesus. I'm gonna have to kill everybody.

All right. Everybody, in the bag.

We're all gonna get in the bag. Come on.

Here we go. Everybody in the bag.

Police officer. Freeze.

[gunshot]

I don't want to hurt anybody.

I don't. But I think I'm going to have to kill you all.

-You, you don't get to go in the bag. -I don't?

-I don't mind. -No.

No, you don't deserve to go in the bag.

Well, well, what do I have to do to get in there? Just tell me.

All right! That's enough.

You're asking for it, pal.

Sit down or you're dead.

Why don't you just go home and shoot yourself?

Let these nice people go about their business.

Don't make me shoot.

You detestable shitbox!

Get the hell out of my bar!

Get him!

I think I just found what I'm looking for.

I think I just struck gold.

In New York City today, three men at a bar

thwarted an armed-robbery attempt and captured the perpetrator.

John Brolin, who is wanted in Oregon,

for a killing spree at a drive-in movie last December

that left four dead and three wounded.

[John] You'll get it. You hear me?

The three of you, I'll kill you.

I'll kill you. You'll die.

You're dead.

[clicks tongue]

Two executives from the Norbecker Brewery

were in the bar at that time and were so impressed

by the men's courage, that they immediately offered the three,

two of whom are unemployed, high-paying jobs

as spokespeople for the brewery.

A representative for Norbecker said,

"It is the courage of the average American,

their guts and spirit in the face of danger,

that has made this country great."

Five thousand dollars, Mary, and that's just for starters.

The residuals from the commercials could run in the tens of thousands of dollars.

What about your real job?

You're a lawyer.

What will Mr. Talbot think?

I know Talbot needs me desperately.

-This will not affect my job. -[music playing]

This will not affect my job.

Are you really going to be on TV, Daddy?

-Michael, turn that down. -[turns down volume]

Could it really be that much?

It could be much more.

This solves everything. All my financial problems.

What financial problems?

Get that radio off your shoulder. Do you hear me?

What money problems, Elliot?

Where did he get that?

You know, I work my whole life to keep big radios off your shoulders.

Now, what's for dinner?

Pasta! More pasta!

-Hi, Frankie. -Hey, Angelina, how's it going?

Pretty good. But I haven't seen you around much lately.

-Well, I'm kinda busy. -Angelina, Angelina...

She's been coming around to see you.

Why don't you talk with Angelina?

-But I did. -Oh, go on. Talk.

-Hi, Angelina. -Hi, Frankie.

We're all so proud of you.

Thank you. Thank you. Oh, excuse me. One minute.

Mom, Ma, Ma, I almost forgot. Here.

This is for all the birthdays when I couldn't afford to buy you nothing.

Buy yourself something nice.

And find someone to help you out around here.

A nice Italian lady. Okay?

Oh, Frankie.

No, Frankie.

You keep the money for your future. Huh?

Ma...

I know you're going to be a big star. My Frankie.

My baby. Oh, my bambino.

So, what you going to do with all your money, huh?

Yeah, well, I'm going to save some, so I can get my own apartment.

-Then I was thinking of, you know... -Oh, God. Oh, kill me.

-Mama, what's the matter? Help. Here. -I'm going to faint. Oh!

-Oh! -What's the matter?

-What is it? What is it? -Frankie!

He wants to get his own apartment.

[all gasp]

[sobs]

Is this true?

Yeah, I was thinking of getting my own place.

After all, I'm 29 years old.

You know what you've done to your mother?

All her life, she's done nothing but for you.

And now, now you're just going to go away?

Speak to your grandfather.

Tell him what you're going to do.

Frankie.

[speaking Italian]

So, now you're a big shot, huh?

Frankie.

Frankie, you getting bopped from it yet?

-You bet. -[speaking Italian]

It's okay. Everything is okay.

[indistinct talking]

[Feemer] All right. We have to go in there, relaxed.

Composed. With an air of serenity.

But always alert, stakes are high.

But we are going in there with supreme confidence.

Now that, that is the key word,

"confidence."

All right. Now I want everybody to follow my lead.

Just be calm, be cool, and be totally self-possessed.

Mr. Norbecker, I think the national news coverage we got last night

was a million dollars of free publicity for Norbecker Beer. Don't you agree, sir?

B.D. here, is famous for thinking on her feet.

I think she really acquitted herself with tremendous impunity.

When my grandfather

founded this business in Germany, 87 years ago,

he knew the secret of a successful beer.

He knew it was not in the hops.

No. It was not in the aging. No.

Do you know in what is the secret

of a successful beer?

Ahh... What is it?

The secret of a successful beer...

is advertising!

-Of course. -Yeah.

-That makes sense. -You see...

all beer is essentially the same.

It is all fermented, piss-colored water.

Hmm? Now...

I turn on my television set, what do I see?

I see the other beer companies advertising

with celebrities, with football players,

with actors, familiar faces.

And what do we have?

What am I paying out

fifty millions of my advertising dollars a year for?

Unknowns!

Mr. Norbecker, don't you see? That's the beauty of it.

Who are they? They've had national coverage because of a heroic act.

But it is precisely because they are not celebrities

that the people can relate to them. That's the important thing.

So, I have three unknowns.

Do we have a concept?

-Yes. -Do we have a concept?

[stammering] Mr. N., I have a concept that is so sweet and delicious,

so, uh, zesty and tangy,

I'm drooling. For Christ's sakes, I'm drooling.

Oh, gee, I love these.

They're raisins. Nature's little guys. Do... Do you mind?

Mr. Norbecker, what we have are three average American men.

No actors. No over-the-hill athletes.

Now, I've explained the situation to the three guys.

I've got them under contract. And with training from me,

I guarantee you they'll be household names

before the thrust of your campaign even begins.

Hmm.

I mean, um...

If there is going to be a campaign. Of course, that's your decision.

[sneezing]

Ugh!

Jesus, I've got raisins up my nose.

-Punch him. -[coughing]

-Nincompoop. -I'm okay.

My grandfather...

believed in the great advertising men.

The German advertising men.

[coughs]

Men, such as Pizzner and Gemp.

Oh, these... These were not men.

These were advertising gods.

[wheezing]

But today, they are gone.

The best

and the greatest of all time are gone.

[Dickler choking]

And today...

Today,

I have to put my faith and my trust

in men like Dickler.

That is not a very pretty picture, is it?

Oh, no, no. I couldn't agree more. Absolutely right.

Well, gentlemen,

this young lady

has saved your skins to fight another day.

I am going to give you one more chance.

Temporarily...

I will suspend my negotiations

with Hark & Melrose Agency.

But, boys

and gal,

don't you dare to let me down.

I don't normally wear shirts with, uh, squigglies on it.

[B.D.] You're not normal anymore, Merle.

I think maybe this blue, with those eyes. Oh, yes.

[chuckling]

I know it's all a little too much for you right now, but you'll get used to it.

And when you get used to it,

you'll use it to get what you want.

What do you want?

[clearing throat] Well, right now, I wanna get my damn car out of the pound.

It's gonna cost $75.

That's sweet.

You know, you have a model's body.

It's so easy to buy clothes for.

-[clears throat] -Oh, yes, blue.

-Excuse me, Miss Tucker. -B.D.

B.D. Now,

I appreciate the job and all the money I'm going to get,

the clothes and whatever, but, um...

What exactly is it that I'm supposed to do?

You are going to be a role model for our target audience.

Lower class, economically unsuccessful men.

Men who reached out for the American dream

and came up with a beer in one hand and their dicks in the other.

[laughs] Oh, well, I guess that's me, all right.

[both laughing]

-Good morning, guys. -Good morning, Miss Tucker.

Buzz. Buzz, this set is great. I love it.

-Thank you, B.D. -Are we on schedule?

-Slightly ahead. -[B.D.] Good.

-Hello, boys. -Good day, Miss Tucker.

This is a big day for you. Are you ready?

-It's very exciting. -Yeah. Now, what do we do?

-You just tell us. -Well, first of all,

-do you know your lines? -Got 'em all up here.

Went over 'em a million times. Want to hear 'em?

[B.D.] No, that won't be necessary.

The director will tell you when to speak.

All we got to know is how to count our money, right?

[all laughing]

Excuse me, Miss Tucker.

Now, you know, this script here makes us out to be a bunch of heroes.

Well, that may be bullshit.

But I just want you to know that me and my amigos here won't let you down.

You picked the right kind of guys for this sort of thing.

Why, we're the kind of...

Oh, my God!

Hello, Miss Tucker.

-[B.D.] Mr. Brolin. -Hi, guys.

Hello.

-What's he doing here? -How come...

We bailed him out.

Buzz and I thought it would be a nice touch to have the real thief.

Well, I'll leave you boys alone to get reacquainted.

[mockingly] Oh, please don't!

Oh, God! Help me!

Jesus, what a bunch of babies!

All right. This man is a total psychopath.

A vicious, amoral killer. Right, John?

What?

I don't want to see it in your eyes.

Get up!

Stand up!

Be Norbecker men!

I want to see you eat this guy for breakfast.

Oh, my, my.

Well, if you don't respect yourselves,

who do you respect?

I want you to think about that.

He's right. I mean, if you guys believe it, then maybe I'll believe it, too.

We could really get something going.

I think it's gonna be hot.

When me and my buddies are drinking Norbecker Pilsner,

we don't like being disturbed.

Norbecker Pilsner.

Have one, if you're tough enough.

Cut! Print. Fine.

-Thank you, gentlemen. -[bell ringing]

[all chuckling]

How was it for you? I think we had some moments there.

I'm glad you're happy.

This is fantastic.

I'm in commercials, and I'm making all this money.

I mean, I always dreamed I'd be famous. Like you guys.

You're a lawyer. Do you know anything about residuals?

Well, I... I'm in bankruptcy.

Well, I could refer... Here, let me give you my card.

Well, we'll have to talk. Maybe give me some advice on how to get an agent?

Maybe we'll take a lunch.

They want me to do another national.

I... I think they're gonna make me a Pepper.

Oh, yes!

Do we have to watch it here? Why don't we watch it at The Oak Room?

We'll get a real feel for it in a place like this.

Besides, Dickler's at The Oak Room.

Look at that wide-screen television. Come on!

Well, it does exude a certain splendor

that reflects the noble struggle of the working class.

Just don't touch anything.

And don't use the men's room.

-What time is it? -10:43.

Oh, God. Any minute now.

[chuckling] I'm as nervous as a tiny little bunny rabbit.

It's on. It's on. Hey, fellas, watch the screen.

[narrator] What you're about to see is a true story.

Earlier this year, in a small New York City bar,

three average American men were enjoying their beer, when suddenly...

[all screaming]

All right, boys, this is a hold-up!

Hey, you three.

Get down on the floor or I'll blow you away.

We're drinking our Norbeckers,

can't you see?

We don't want to be disturbed.

That's right. Take a hike.

All right, dirtbags. You asked for it.

You shouldn't have done that.

[narrator] When you've had enough.

You can't take anymore.

Because this country was built by your kind of man.

And it's glory you're heading for.

So you rise up.

You take a stand.

I wasn't done with my beer yet.

[narrator] You face the challenge and show the world

that you're a real man.

All right. You've done your thing and now it's over.

Now get out of here and let us finish our beers.

Hey, scumbags.

♪ And if you've got the guts ♪

♪ If you're tough enough ♪

[chuckling]

♪ Norbecker ♪

When me and my buddies are drinking Norbecker Pilsner,

we don't like being disturbed.

Norbecker Pilsner.

Have one, if you're tough enough.

♪ If you're tough enough ♪

♪ Norbecker ♪

What did you think, fellas?

Those are the kind of guys that made this country great. Huh?

That's right. That's damn right.

Dirty Harry don't have nothing on those guys.

Wasn't it sensational?

Let's drink to those guys.

Yo, Eddie!

Another round down here. Make them Norbeckers.

-Norbecker. -Oh, this calls for a celebration.

It's fantastic. Two more Norbeckers down here.

In fact, Norbeckers for everybody.

[all cheering]

We don't got no Norbeckers.

You don't got no Norbeckers?

Ernie, here's your usual.

Ernie, it's not Norbecker.

That's right, Ernie.

I want a Norbecker.

Come on, Ernie. Give me a break, will ya? I don't have it.

Here, drink this. It's on the house.

No. What kind of an American are you?

-I'm a good American. -No, you're not.

Any red-blooded American would know you should drink Norbecker.

What are you saying?

I'm saying, you're a dirty, lousy Communist!

-I'll break your arm! -I'll put you in the hospital!

Communist! Don't touch me!

Don't touch me! I'll kill ya!

What do you think? You think you're tough?

Let me put it this way.

I'm tough enough.

♪ When you've had enough ♪

♪ Can't take anymore... ♪

-B.D., I think they really like the commercial. -[exclaims in joy]

I'm going to call Mr. Norbecker and give him the good news.

I'm exhausted anyway. I think I'll mosey on out of here.

♪ You face the challenge And show the world ♪

♪ That you're a real man ♪

Well, that was simple enough.

♪ Norbecker ♪

♪ Milwaukee, move over St. Louis, lay down ♪

♪ Rolling big time We're the new kid in town ♪

♪ At the corner bar at a big league game ♪

♪ They're all chugging bottles Bearing our name ♪

♪ The TV, billboards and magazines ♪

♪ Drive-in movies on the silver screen ♪

♪ Shots of guys Strutting their stuff ♪

♪ They all wanna know Are you tough enough? ♪

♪ You gotta take chances All you need is a plan ♪

♪ Use what you got Be the best that you can ♪

♪ Six billion gallons Just last year ♪

♪ That's tons and tons And tons of beer ♪

♪ You know I'm a man Who likes his brew ♪

♪ Spreading the word Is the least I can do ♪

♪ By the keg, by the case By the six-pack ♪

♪ Got to move 'em out Time to hit the road, Jack ♪

♪ You gotta take chances All you need is a plan ♪

♪ Use what you got Be the best that you can ♪

♪ Six billion gallons Just last year ♪

♪ That's tons and tons And tons of beer ♪

♪ You gotta take chances All you need is a plan ♪

♪ Use what you got Be the best that you can ♪

♪ Six billion gallons Just last year ♪

♪ That's tons and tons And tons of beer ♪

♪ Whoa! That's tons and tons And tons of beer ♪

♪ Tons of beer ♪

♪ Yeah, that's tons And tons and tons of beer ♪

♪ I say... ♪

Ah!

I have seen your graphs. I have read your reports.

Can they be trusted?

Well, sir, I'll be the first to admit that it has been a struggle.

But our research indicates that the current campaign

is an unqualified success, sir.

I like the way you put that.

But the word that comes to my mind, if I may be permitted to say so,

-is caution. -Yeah.

Caution.

Let's be honest for once in our life, okay?

-The whole thing could fall apart at any moment. -Mmm-hmm.

Now, if you really want to ensure the success of this campaign,

you're gonna have to throw in some sex.

All right, all right. Now imagine if you will, a log cabin.

Okay, we're talking an Abe Lincoln kind of thing here, okay.

And our three guys are up there, and they're in, kind of, you know...

A party type of mood. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Okay, they've got some girls there, some good food.

And before long, a beer,

a Norbecker, is tossed off to Sheila over here.

[whistles] Sheila.

Okay, honey, do your stuff.

Isn't that fantastic?

-Okay, honey, now drink it. -[can pops open]

-[gulps] -You see, the sex is hidden, subliminal.

An implied sexuality.

But it's there. I think it's there. What do you think?

-I don't like it. -All right, then picture this.

How about this? Longer cans. Does that work for you?

I hate it.

Okay. Thanks a lot, Sheila. Take a walk.

I'll call you.

Mr. Norbecker, I'm sure we're on track with the campaign, as it is.

As I see it, we'll just saturate the market

with the robbery spot for the next two weeks.

The time is right for another blitz.

A blitz. Yes.

Yes. And what happens after this blitz?

Something different.

-All my life, I was a champion... -[B.D.] Frankie!

-Frankie! -Hey, B.D. baby. How's everything?

When you're finished with makeup, not that you need any,

I want you to go to wardrobe, and then back to studio 2-A for some tests.

No problem.

Elliot, I need to see you in my office in 10 minutes.

Oh, B.D., I promised Mary I'd spend the afternoon with her and the kids.

This is important.

What is it?

Look, we love what you're doing. You're doing a terrific job.

-Keep it up. -Thank you.

You have a slight image problem.

What's the problem?

You're just not black enough.

I like the way black folks stand.

Don't we have a funny stand? Look at me.

We've got them lips that hang.

[audience laughing]

But I like black people, man. I'm black.

[chuckling] Yeah.

And, you know, they got break dancing. They got their break dancing.

See, where they do the moonwalk. And I know how the shit started.

Some black man was walking down the street, drunk,

and he stepped in some shit and said, "Damn!"

-[exclaim] -I always wonder why niggas walk like this.

You ever wonder this? Shit, man.

'Cause we go to jail.

And niggas, we try to keep motherfuckers off their ass.

-Yo! Yeah. -[audience laughing]

My man, yo, what it look like?

My man, yo, what it look like?

[changes voice] My man, yo, what it look like?

[changes voice] My man, yo, what it look like?

Shit. Shit. Shit...

How come black men always hold their dick?

There's just something about standing in Harlem,

on the corner... Just hold your dick.

"Oh, I forgot, I'm black. Hold your dick."

I mean...

Yeah! Yeah. Hah!

On, and on, and on, on, on...

♪ And the beat don't stop till the break of dawn ♪

♪ You break it to the east Break it to the west ♪

♪ Break it to the one that you love the best ♪

♪ There's a party over here A party over there ♪

♪ A party in my underwear ♪

What you want, nigga?

Daddy!

-Dad... Dad was just playing, son. -[door closing]

All right, I need my boys.

-In 2-D, we'll run lines. Where's Elliot? -He's not here.

-What do you mean, "he's not here"? Where is he? -Well, I don't know.

[music playing]

[chuckling]

[scatting]

Hey, bro-ski, yo!

[exclaims]

Gimme five, Frank!

Yabba-dabba-doo!

Rafer, my man, what it look like?

Wired up, home boy?

Would you like to procure a watch?

It's genuine, real, made in Switzerland.

Cost you five dollars, blood.

-No, I don't think so. -Shut up!

B.D. baby, you know, I've always had a soft spot for y'all feminine types.

Loan me a dollar. [scatting] Check it out.

[chuckling]

[turns off music]

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Well, it was just a thing I was trying, B.D. I'm not married to it.

Get up here.

Elliot. Elliot, you look like you just stepped out of the ghetto.

When I said black, I didn't mean "black" black.

Well, I felt it was sociologically correct

according to my own field work.

It's all right, Elliot. We'll fix it. Get him to wardrobe.

Elliot, old son, delightful improvisation.

Thank you, Mr. Beckerman.

You know, I could kind of do a Michael Jackson thing, kind of--

Fine, Elliot. We'll use some of that later.

[Elliot] Okay. Thank you, Mr. Beckerman.

Have you been drinking?

Not yet.

Not yet. One day at a time.

All right, we're gonna run lines in 2-D.

Come on, boys. The set belongs to Mr. Beckerman.

-Let's lock it up. -[bell ringing]

Quiet!

-Roll sound. -[man] Speed.

We have a film to make.

Beer to sell.

Scene five, take 54.

There's 220 million Americans out there,

can't wait to have their minds twisted and bent.

If I can't do it, by God, nobody can!

Action!

[Feemer] Mr. Norbecker, I think that there is a marketing opportunity

that we're overlooking here, sir.

And what is that?

[Feemer] Well, sir, I'm talking about 51% of the population.

It is a shad, shad same...

Uh... Sad, sad shame, sir, that we're not able to crack that female market.

But I want to let you know, sir, that we have our best men working on that.

Crackerjack individuals.

It's a fantastic brain trust.

I am completely confident, and totally and absolutely

wonderfully well-impressed that we will prevail on this problem,

and that we will be able to garner those Norbecker beer sales for the women.

I don't know, Harley.

My research shows that women constitute only 20% of the beer market.

And it would appear they are not an important aspect of beer consumption.

Absolutely. Don't give those women another thought, sir.

[B.D.] But that does not mean we can't use women successfully

to sell more beer to men.

Use them. That's exactly what I've been working on.

Gentlemen, I have a concept I've been toying with for quite a while.

And I think its time has come.

A.J., we are going to hit the beer drinkers of America where it counts.

Below the belt.

How?

Norbecker Pilsner is going to heat up the battle of the sexes.

The American male is going to whip out his Norbecker.

Now you're talking.

...then she said, "Stick this where?"

[all laughing]

You know, me and my buddies like to get away on the weekends.

Have a couple of laughs. Go hunting or fishing. We like to rough it.

But there's no point in going anywhere

if you're not gonna get stocked up on supplies.

That's right. That's why we always have a good supply of Norbecker on hand.

Yep.

Me and my buddies. A case of Norbecker,

and let nature take its course.

-♪ Whip it out ♪ -[whip cracking]

Is the commercial over yet, guys?

-Not yet, honey. -[all laughing]

-♪ Whip it out ♪ -[whip cracking]

[all] Come on, boys!

Whip out your Norbecker!

♪ Whip out your Norbecker ♪

[laughing]

How much time before we go on?

Ten minutes, Elliot.

What are you so calm about? We're about to go in front of 20 million people.

Oh, relax, guys. It ain't no different than doing the damn commercials.

It is different. We're not selling beer.

For once, people want to hear what we want to say.

I've seen all your commercials. I just think you guys are so sexy.

-Oh, yeah? -I think you look just gorgeous.

Gorgeous, huh? I wonder if they think I'm so gorgeous back in Lubbock.

What do you care about Lubbock? You're big-time now.

I'm just a little homesick, that's all.

All done, cowboy.

[Frankie] Hey, beautiful. Need a touch-up here.

You know, I just love doing you guys.

-[Frankie] Yeah, I can tell. -So, how about you and I

getting together some time?

Hey, with Frankie Falcone, anything's possible.

Here's my number.

It's been a real kick doing your face, Frankie.

All you guys.

Another notch in your revolver, old buddy?

[country music playing]

-Here you go, Merle. -Why, thank you, honey.

Oh, I love women. Just love 'em.

Of course, my standards are high. I've got good taste in women,

and also in the kind of beer I drink.

I run around with good-lookin' women.

And when I'm through, I like to relax with my buddies,

compare notes, and drink a Norbecker Pilsner.

My beer and my women have a lot in common.

They both leave me feeling better after I've had one.

[blows]

You know what I mean.

♪ Whip out your Norbecker ♪

[whip cracking]

[mixed cheers and boos]

Well, there it is.

I see we have some tempers flaring.

I myself am feeling extremely controversial.

So, let's speak out.

Yes? Speak up.

I'm a housewife, and I'd just like to know what they think

that specific commercial says about women.

[audience applauding]

If one of you ladies might ask an intelligent question,

-we might get something done here. -[audience jeering]

Wait a minute, Mr. Falcone.

I mean, there is no need to insult the women in the audience.

Or is there? Let's find out.

The whole male attitude

that a woman who doesn't live up to the male standard of beauty

is gonna miss out on something is disgusting!

[audience cheering]

You know, we're just making a bunch of beer commercials.

Now, what the hell is all the yelling about, is what I'd like to know.

Oh, come on, fellas.

Those commercials are saying,

"Have beer and sex with a beautiful woman.

Not an average, ordinary, everyday woman,

but a beautiful woman."

And what's wrong with that?

-Let's find out. -[audience jeering]

I lost my job because my company had to hire more damn women

and now I'm unemployed.

[audience groaning]

I just got married. My wife gained 100 pounds

and grew a mustache. I swear to God.

[audience laughing]

That has nothing to do with what we're talking about.

Or does it? Let's find out.

Yes, speak up.

I'd like to address my question to Mr. Falcone.

Speak up.

You don't really see women that way?

Oh, yeah, I do.

You know, you guys, you've got the success.

You got the recognition. Are you happy?

Well, my wife and I, we've both discussed this at great length,

and we've both come to the conclusion that...

Well, this is the best profession for me to be in at the present time.

So what you're saying is that you do these commercials

with total disregard of who you may offend, as long as you get paid.

Well, no, wait. Now that's not what I was saying.

Oh, come on, now. You're doing it for the money.

[audience] Yeah.

Well, I suppose so.

And what's wrong with that? Let's find out.

You know, my husband, he works a 9:00 to 5:00 job.

He supports me and he's sending our three kids through college.

He doesn't drink beer. He doesn't drink any alcohol.

And you know something, to me, he's the hero.

[audience cheering]

-Speak up. -You know, I own a sporting goods store,

-but I used to play pro ball. -Hey, that's...

That's Mack Truck... Mack Truck Mackenzie.

[grunting]

-[chuckling] -He's my hero. All right.

You know, I just want to say, I think you guys are the greatest.

Hey. Come on...

You guys are real men. And you ladies should be proud to have sons

-just like Frankie Falcone. -That's right.

And what's wrong with Merle and Elliot, huh?

Personally, I don't blame them.

It's the person who created the commercials that's to blame.

It's the male chauvinist pig who thought of it.

[audience cheering]

We invited the producer, Mr. B.D. Tucker,

-but he declined. -Uh... Bob...

-It's not Mr. B.D. Tucker, it's Miss B.D. Tucker. -[audience gasping]

She's a lady. And a very beautiful lady, I might add.

[laughing]

Now, that is controversial.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. We're running out of time.

Please tune in tomorrow. We have a wonderful show.

We're going to have an orthodox rabbi

and Adolf Hitler's chef. Thank you!

[Frankie] Look, I haven't been myself lately.

It has nothing to do with you.

It's not your fault.

I'm totally responsible. I'm so sorry.

I mean, you're cool. You're Frankie Falcone, you're cool.

You're Frankie. I mean, you are the greatest and the best.

You are the perfect lover.

I have lousy technique, I know it.

I mean, I have no business

sleeping with anybody. [sobs]

Shh! I'll call you.

-You will? When? -Soon.

[sighing] Oh, boy.

Yes, my son.

You have a confession?

Father, I haven't been to confession in a while.

I had nowhere else to go. I didn't know who else to talk to.

Well, you can talk to me.

It will make you feel better.

Come on, now. Confess your sins.

I don't know how to say it.

It's just that I feel so frustrated and ashamed.

Frustrated and ashamed.

Well, that's something. Let's hear about that.

-Father? -Yes, my son.

[whispering] I can't get it up.

-What? -I can't get it up.

Can't get what up?

[whispering] My cock.

-Your what? -[loudly] My cock.

[echoing] Your cock?

What am I gonna do?

Try to forget about it. Try to relax.

Go out with the boys. Have a few beers.

[Frankie] Hey, let's face it.

For a guy like me, women are easy.

But a great beer, well, that's hard to come by.

When it comes to women, I like to shop around.

But when it comes to beer, I'm devoted.

Norbecker Pilsner. It's the only beer I grab for.

♪ Whip it out ♪

Hey! Let me see those beauties.

♪ Whip it out ♪

I can always get a better girl.

But I can't get a better beer.

[in unison] So come on, guys!

Whip out your Norbecker.

-♪ Whip out your Norbecker ♪ -[whip cracking]

How's about a nice, cool one, kids? Help yourselves, boys.

The statistics also show that last year, five billion gallons of beer

were sold in this country alone.

That is a mere drop in the beer barrel, if I may say so.

But we have far more important fish than that to fry.

What you are about to hear and see...

must not leave this room.

Soon, we will have garnered the lion's share

of the American beer market.

But then...

on to Europe.

First, ladies and gentlemen,

I will establish a foothold in France.

The French do not drink that much beer, but they will learn,

as will they all learn.

Belgium. Czechoslovakia. Holland.

I will smash Heineken.

And then...

Then...

The Anschluss.

Germany.

Yes, Germany. Even Germany.

Following a surprise advertising blitz

which you, meine Liebchen, will manage for me.

I will crush them...

like a...

Like a pocket full of beetles.

[announcer] And the Giants kick off.

The Sheikh gets off a good one.

Hey, Mary. Bring me another Norbecker.

[announcer] We'll be back after this message from Norbecker Pilsner.

[music playing on TV]

You know, I don't have to go out with my buddies to have a good time.

I can have a good time right here.

Honey!

If I want to go out with the boys, I'll do it.

But sometimes, it's more convenient to stay home.

Two things that go together.

Satin sheets and silky skin.

A good woman, and a great beer.

Why don't you go on upstairs, sweetie?

I'll be there in a minute.

♪ Whip it out ♪

Norbecker Pilsner.

Come on, guys.

Whip out your Norbeckers.

-[growling] -♪ Whip out your Norbecker ♪

Honey, where's that other Norbecker?

Ow! Mary!

[woman] We women have worked long and hard

for social changes.

And now... This beer, makes women objects

to be used

and tossed aside

like empty beer cans.

Women unite. Join this fight.

I love 'em.

Every time one of those feminists opens her mouth,

sales go up another half point.

-Yes. -Where's the ketchup?

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Norbecker Pilsner is enjoying a 50%

share of the market at last.

Beer consumption is on the rise.

And guess whose beer is being sold the most?

[all] Norbecker.

Alcoholism, divorce, violence in the streets. We're doing great.

You have made me a very happy man.

Now, tell me something.

Where are my Norbecker fellows?

They are a ball of fun, those guys.

-Ah, B.D.? -Ah, Buzz is flying them in his plane to California.

They're there to do the beach spots, you know, with, the girls.

Ah. Cherries jubilee. My favorite.

Now, tell me something. This new campaign of yours,

it is ironclad?

It's foolproof.

They should be landing just about now.

[whistling and exploding]

[Buzz] Yes, sir. Mayday. Mayday. Mayday. Mayday.

Ah, boys...

Our radio's busted.

Shit. They'll send planes to look for us, won't they, Buzz?

I don't think so.

Well, of course they'll send a plane. They've got to.

We're famous.

-They won't know where to look. -What are you talking about?

I've never believed in the formalities of flight plans.

Buzz Beckerman does not get rescued.

Neither do people with Buzz Beckerman.

We're going to walk out of here.

I ain't walking nowhere. These new boots are killing me.

How far do you think you can get? It could be hundreds of miles.

I'm pulling out

in that direction, beyond those red hills.

Vaya con Dios.

Buzz! Wait a minute, Buzz.

Hold it. If you come with me,

you'll travel light. Nothing but the essentials.

Just the beer.

"Vanished without a trace.

Little hope of survival.

Search continues."

If I just had some time.

[exhales]

Maybe we could buy a little time.

I don't want to sound cold-blooded or anything, but, uh,

if we're lucky, they won't find the bodies for a couple of weeks.

In the meantime, we'll pump the media well dry.

This is a terrific idea. Yeah.

-She's got something there. -A.J.?

The whole business is so very unfortunate.

-Feemer. -Yes, sir?

How do I stand ethics wise on a thing like this?

It won't cost you a dime, sir.

Good.

Oh, Lord.

How am I going to get these shitboxes moving?

All right, all right.

-Go on! -I'm going. I'm going.

Ha!

-He's not human. -Thank God for that.

No human being could get us out of here.

[Buzz] All right, lads, step up here.

Come on, now. Come right ahead with lethargy.

Careful now. Careful.

Come on, come on.

Let's see you now against this jutting promontory.

Straighter, up! Wait!

Buzz!

Buzz!

[screaming]

Help me! Help!

I didn't stand by him the way I should have.

[Mary] All he wanted to do was go out with the boys and have a few beers.

Now he's dead.

[sobbing]

[newscaster] Total News has contacted another grieving friend,

who wanted to share his deep and personal loss with us.

They were a great bunch of guys.

They gave me my start in show business.

I owe them my whole career.

I'm gonna miss them a lot.

All three of them.

By the way, there's something I'd like to add.

You know what happens to pretty boys like me in prison?

Total News is producing a week-long

Buzz Beckerman retrospective

to honor the memory of one of the world's great filmmakers.

Check your local listings for this moving tribute.

[howling]

[mumbling]

Come on, Buzz, now, you gotta have a drink.

-Come on. -Oh!

No. One day at a time.

One day at a time.

[screeching]

[piano playing]

The control tower had no trace of the plane at all. It's really quite tragic.

I mean, God knows, I hope they find the bodies but something's come up

that may make that counter-productive,

I don't know, I like the funeral concept idea. More free media coverage.

No, Harley, let me finish.

I was on the horn this morning with Gary Cross.

He sees a TV movie in this. If a movie pulls the numbers, they'll go with this.

A one-hour primetime series, starring three phantom beer-drinking crime fighters.

Using the Norbecker name throughout,

three beer-drinking ghosts.

Gentlemen...

This has an almost mythical feeling about it.

-There is something there. -Tell me something, B.D.,

what happens if they find the bodies?

There you see, we'd have the three flies in our ointment.

We take another meeting and we come up with another concept.

Oh, plus, the Buzz Beckerman retrospective is in the bag.

Seven nights, prime time, sponsored by Norbecker Pilsner.

Whom else?

-Why not. -Here we are.

I am delighted, I'm tickled pink, I couldn't be more pleased.

In fact, I think that we completely...

Pardon, Monsieur Feemer.

There is a telephone call for you.

Thank you, senor.

Feemer here.

I'll get back to you.

They found them.

Shit.

Excuse me, let me through.

-Excuse me. -It's Elliot's wife.

It's his wife, it's his wife.

I want close-ups. I want angles. I want coverage.

Get in there!

Oh, Buzz. Oh, oh!

Buzz Beckerman, everybody. Award-winning director. Give him a hand, huh.

-Elliot. -Mary?

Oh, my God, Mary, I missed you so much. How are the kids?

-What kids? -We can work it out I know we can.

-Work what out? -Be careful with this one.

Oh! Please, be careful, you idiot.

Thank God, Merle.

I've been so worried, I've been sick, did you miss me, Merle?

I cried, would you believe me? I cried.

Look at this. Did you see anything like this? The advertising value.

The tie-ins alone.

Frankie, B.D. baby is here.

All right, guys, you can take your pictures now,

we've got our Norbecker heroes back, and they're tougher than ever.

Smile guys. Smile. Your public loves you.

Wave. Can you wave, huh?

-B.D.! -All right guys, that's it, thank you.

-B.D.! -Mary, isn't it wonderful?

-Where's my husband? -He's fine. He's fine.

-I've got his TV wife with him right now. -His TV wife?

But listen to me, I will arrange for you to see him later.

No, I want to see him now.

No, listen, Mary, you can't start screwing around with reality here.

Elliot!

Mary?

You get your hands off my husband. Bitch.

It's fantastic, sir. Can you believe it? With all our planning and scheming

they mean more to us alive than they do dead.

I can't get over it.

Our distributors have actually doubled their orders.

And we cannot even keep up with the demand.

Good morning, I'm sorry I'm late, I was at the hospital.

I just spoke to Buzz. He came out of his coma this morning.

So? Yes?

Gentlemen, he got it all on film.

That... That is it? That is all that they have got?

[B.D.] Well, we can't use any of this.

[Feemer] They're a bunch of schlemiels. Three total schlemiels.

-[Dickler] I'm sick. -Now, where's the heroic stuff?

The camera broke when I busted my leg.

Three schlemiels. That is what you have got.

They saved my life, damn it.

But the film doesn't show it.

Might as well have never happened.

I can fix that.

How?

I burned down Chicago on a sound stage. I parted the Red Sea.

I made Alan Ladd six feet tall.

You think I can't turn three schlemiels into heroes?

You shitbox.

Don't look there, Frankie.

They should be climbing faster.

A Norbecker guy is a better climber than that.

Run the film through there faster. Speed up the film.

Right, sure, no problem.

Look out below!

Hold on, Buzz.

I want both of these men to wear the Norbecker hats.

Okay. Make a note of that, B.D. Hats.

I want to be able to read Norbecker on the side of the hat.

Norbecker Pilsner took us to hell and back.

Have one, if you're tough enough.

[all laughing]

This is bullshit.

What the hell am I doing here?

Get out of the desert. Put me back in the desert.

Give me a fake Buzz. Right, Buzz?

That's highly irregular, sir.

-What's going on here? -These guys are impossible.

Beckerman still hasn't shown up yet.

And neither has Elliot. Nobody knows where they are.

I've got Harry over there, trying to direct.

Quiet on the set.

It's magic time.

Shit.

My boys are still here.

Who says they don't make western heroes like they used to?

What's the delay, Miss Tucker?

Nothing I can't handle, sir.

Beckerman.

You're drunk, you're disgusting, you're fired.

You're not mad at old Buzz, are you?

Get out of here! Get off the set!

Sorry, boys.

You did it, honey.

You fooled them with a goddamn bottle of beer,

what an old fool I am.

For making movies to make people laugh or cry.

That's crap compared to what you've done.

Here's looking at you, kid.

[bottle shattering]

Goodnight, sweet prince.

Come on, Buzz.

[groans]

Thank you.

It's all right. I can walk.

[coughing]

All right, let's get back on the set.

[clears throat] Uh, B.D.,

we're not happy, we don't want to do any more commercials.

That's right, we're walkin'.

Are you crazy? We're just beginning with this thing, get back on the set.

Is everything all right, Miss Tucker?

Everything is just fine, sir.

Wait a minute, I said get back on the set.

What are you... What do you think you're doing?

Where are you going?

Merle, do I have to get down on my knees?

It's been a hell of a ride, B.D., but it just don't seem right anymore.

Doesn't seem right? Will you stop walking?

I'm talking to you for Christ's sake.

You can't think of leaving now.

Not now, you're American heroes.

[scoffs]

You know, B.D., you're just about one of the smartest ladies I've ever met.

And you've taught me a hell of a lot.

And I'm grateful to you for all that.

But you're gettin' to be like one of your commercials.

You're just not real.

[announcer] This year's Clio Award winner for the best national campaign,

B.D. Tucker, the Feemer Agency, for Norbecker Pilsner.

[all cheering]

[Norbecker jingle playing]

We in advertising are the trusted keepers of the public faith.

We must never let dishonesty, cynicism or greed blind us

to our primary responsibility of dispensing accurate information

about the products we represent.

I think I'll call Mary again.

No. Don't tie up the phone.

When Elliot comes to his senses, he'll call.

I should have seen this coming.

What are you, a psychiatrist?

I'm worried as hell.

Try to relax.

He'll call.

Turn on the tube.

What do you want to watch?

Come on, get out of here.

Do you know who I am?

I don't care who you are. You don't start fights in here.

Get out of here.

I'm a Norbecker man.

That's what they want me to be. That's what I'll be.

I just do what I'm told. Right?

-Yeah. Sure. -No, right.

I've been in this business longer that any of them.

I know what I'm talking about. I'm an idea man.

What do they know about advertising?

That's what it says on the label.

My wife wants me to be a lawyer.

Screw your wife. You'll work in construction.

You're working construction.

And after a hard day's work, you reach for some Norbecker beer.

You get a beer. Everyone gets a beer and then you hold them up.

I'm fired. I'm sacked. I'm unemployed.

I thought it would work. It was a great idea.

What does Feemer know? Feemer's a moron.

And Dickler, Dickler is an idiot.

They're all morons and idiots. Every one of them.

I'm falling apart. I need a drink.

These are guys.

I'm home. This is America.

They look like those guys on the commercials.

Hey, come on, all right.

-Whoa, whoa. -Excuse me, sir.

Shit. Let me buy you a drink.

All right.

Let's see if we can get into some trouble.

Bartender.

Let me have a man's drink over here.

A couple of boilermakers for me and my buddy.

This is great.

I've got to get out more often.

Have I seen you here before?

Nope. I don't get out much. My Mary won't let me.

-Do you know what I feel like doing? -What?

Let's make this a boys' night out.

I won't tell if you don't tell.

You're intriguing me.

-Joel! -But first, we drink.

Now, there are those who say that we manipulate the public.

[all laugh]

But I say that we create positive images.

Role models for the American family to follow.

[phone ringing]

Hi, guys. It's me.

Elliot, where the hell are you?

What's the name of this place?

It's The Tool Box.

It's The Tool Box.

Jesus Christ. Elliot, stay there. All right?

Let's go.

♪ A turkey sat on the backyard fence ♪

[all] ♪ On Thanksgiving day ♪

♪ And as he sat on the backyard fence ♪

♪ This is what he'd say ♪

♪ Gobble, Gobble, Gobble, Gobble, Gobble, Gobble ♪

♪ On Thanksgiving day ♪

♪ Gobble, Gobble, Gobble, Gobble, Gobble, Gobble ♪

♪ I would like to run away ♪

-[people cheering] -[tires screeching]

I would like to thank

Buzz Beckerman for his unique vision and brilliance.

Buzzy, wherever you are, I love you.

[belching]

And last but not least, three very important people...

The Norbecker men.

♪ If you've got the guts if you're tough enough ♪

There he is.

These are my guys. I want you to meet all my new buddies. They're swell.

[chuckles] How are you doin'?

This is great, we're just a bunch of guys

having a good time like in the beer commercial.

[man] Hey, it's Merle.

It's Frankie.

Elliott.

You guys are just wonderful.

We watch you all the time.

We have all your commercials on video.

Jesus Christ, let's get out of here, Elliot.

Why do I have to go? I'm having fun.

He doesn't want to go.

Listen, twinkle toes, he's our friend.

We want him out of here.

-It's not your business. -He stays.

I love being fought over.

Elliot, get down from there.

Get out of my way, you pervert. You're talking to a real man.

♪ Guess how this country was built ♪

♪ By your kind of man ♪

♪ And it's glory you're heading for ♪

♪ And if you've got the guts ♪

♪ If you're tough enough Norbecker ♪

Here at Norbecker Brewery, things are bubbling over

as sales of Norbecker Beer continue to plummet

in response to last week's arrest

of the so-called Norbecker men, in a gay bar.

We contacted Adolph Norbecker by telephone and he stated,

"I look at this not as a devastating blow, but as a great opportunity

to expand into new and exciting markets."

One wonders what Norbecker is going to try to sell us next.

You know, making beer all day can be mighty exhausting work.

That is why when the old six o'clock whistle blows

us Norbecker guys like to get together in the steam room

for a little schvitz and some chitter-chatter.

But as you can see, it can get mighty hot and sweaty in here.

That is why I always bring along plenty of new Norbecker Lite.

Because, it satisfies my thirst, it cools me down,

and yet it helps me keep my trim, hard figure.

New Norbecker Lite is brewed with the same caring and sensitivity

as our regular beer.

You look wonderful, Adolph.

Have you been pumping iron?

Norbecker Lite. One-third of the calories

but the same delicacy and refinement.

Okay, make room for big daddy, boys.

Whoo! It is hot.

Norbecker. Take it in the bottle. Or take it in the can.

Have one. If you're sensitive enough.

Okay, boys, let's go.

The last one in is not a sissy.

[men cheering]

♪ Milwaukee, move over St. Louis, lay down ♪

♪ Rollin' big time We're the new kid in town ♪

♪ At the corner bar At a big league game ♪

Welcome home, baby.

♪ They're all chuggin' bottles Bearing our name ♪

Frankie!

♪ Drive-in movies On the silver screen ♪

♪ Shots of guys Strutting their stuff ♪

♪ They all want to know Are you tough enough? ♪

♪ You gotta take chances All you need is a plan ♪

♪ Use what you got Be the best that you can ♪

♪ Six billion gallons Just last year ♪

♪ That's tons and tons And tons of beer ♪

♪ You know I'm a man Who likes his brew ♪

♪ Spreading the word Is the least I can do ♪

♪ By the keg, by the case Or by the six-pack ♪

♪ Got to move 'em out Time to hit the road, Jack ♪

♪ You gotta take chances All you need is a plan ♪

♪ Use what you got Be the best that you can ♪

♪ Six billion gallons Just last year ♪

-So long, suckers. -♪ That's tons and tons And tons of beer ♪

♪ You gotta take chances All you need is a plan ♪

♪ Use what you got Be the best that you can ♪

♪ Six billion gallons Just last year ♪

♪ That's tons and tons And tons of beer ♪

♪ Well, you know I'm a man Who likes his brew ♪

♪ Spreadin' the word Is the least I can do ♪

♪ By the keg, by the case Or by the six-pack ♪

♪ Got to move 'em out Time to hit the road, Jack ♪

♪ You gotta take chances All you need is a plan ♪

♪ Use what you got Be the best that you can ♪

♪ Six billion gallons Just last year ♪

♪ That's tons and tons And tons of beer ♪

♪ You gotta take chances All you need is a plan ♪

♪ Use what you got Be the best that you can ♪

♪ Six billion gallons Just last year ♪

♪ That's tons and tons And tons of beer ♪

♪ Milwaukee, move over St. Louis, lay down ♪

♪ Rolling big time We're the new kid in town ♪

♪ At the corner bar At a big league game ♪

♪ They're all chugging bottles Bearing our name ♪

♪ On TV, billboards And magazines ♪

♪ Drive-in movies On the silver screen ♪

♪ Shots of guys Strutting their stuff ♪

♪ They all wanna know Are you tough enough? ♪

♪ You gotta take chances All you need is a plan ♪

♪ Use what you got Be the best that you can ♪

♪ Six billion gallons Just last year ♪

♪ That's tons and tons And tons of beer ♪

♪ You know I'm a man Who likes his brew ♪

♪ Spreading the word Is the least I can do ♪

♪ By the keg, by the case Or by the six-pack ♪

♪ Got to move 'em out Time to hit the road, Jack ♪

♪ You gotta take chances All you need is a plan ♪

♪ Use what you got Be the best that you can ♪

♪ Six billion gallons Just last year ♪

♪ That's tons and tons And tons of beer ♪

♪ You gotta take chances All you need is a plan ♪

♪ Use what you got Be the best that you can ♪

♪ Six billion gallons Just last year ♪

♪ That's tons and tons And tons of beer ♪