Original subtitles

BABY, I WAS THINKING ABOUT WHAT TO GET JUNIOR

FOR HIS GRADUATION.

IT SHOULD BE SOMETHING HE NEEDS, BABE.

YEAH, HOW ABOUT THREE MORE YEARS OF HIGH SCHOOL?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA GIVE HIM YOUR FATHER'S WATCH.

I WAS, BUT I WAS THINKING

ABOUT GETTING HIM SOMETHING BETTER THAN THAT.

I WAS THINKING

ABOUT MAYBE SENDING HIM OUT OF THE COUNTRY --

A TRIP TO JAPAN.

WHAT IS HE GONNA DO IN JAPAN?

GET A JOB TAKING STUFF OFF OF TOP SHELVES.

JUST KIDDING.

I WAS THINKING

MAYBE HE COULD VISIT SOME OF THOSE ANIMATION STUDIOS.

HE COLLECTS ALL THAT STUFF.

THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

AND WHO KNOWS WHAT KIND OF EFFECT

A 3-WEEK VACATION FROM VANESSA WOULD HAVE ON HIS FUTURE.

COME ON, JAY.

WHAT KIND OF MANIPULATIVE, DEVIOUS FATHER WOULD I BE

TO SEND MY SON HALFWAY AROUND THE WORLD

JUST TO GET AWAY FROM HIS GIRLFRIEND?

WHAT DO YOU THINK, I'M...EVIL?

NO, NOT YOU. YOU WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

ON THE OTHER HAND,

THERE ARE SOME REALLY CUTE GIRLS IN JAPAN.

YOU BEEN ON THAT WEBSITE AGAIN?

[ Japanese accent ] SO SORRY.

GOOD MORNING, EVERYBODY.

GOOD MORNING.

[ Normal voice ] YOUR MOTHER AND I

WERE JUST DISCUSSING YOUR FUTURE.

WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS, SON?

I'VE DECIDED TO GO TO COLLEGE.

BABY!

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?!

YEAH, THE SHOCK OF THAT JUST KNOCKED ME OUT OF MY SEAT.

DID YOU SAY YOU WERE GONNA GO TO COLLEGE?

YEAH. AND GUESS WHAT?

I'VE ALREADY BEEN ACCEPTED AT TWO SCHOOLS.

WHOA!

[ METAL CLANGING ]

I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE OF THIS I COULD TAKE.

YOU SAID TWO SCHOOLS?

WHAT TWO SCHOOLS WOULD TAKE YOU?

HAMMERHEAD TECH UNIVERSITY IN TAMPA, FLORIDA,

AND HAMBURGER UNIVERSITY IN OAK BROOK, ILLINOIS.

I'M ASTOUNDED.

ME TOO.

I'M ASTOUNDED BY THE FACT

THAT THERE ARE COLLEGES THAT WOULD ACTUALLY ACCEPT JUNIOR.

THEY ARE CALLED "JUNIOR COLLEGES."

PLUS, I'M WAIT-LISTED AT A REAL SCHOOL --

REDDINGTON.

OH-OH-OH-OH.

[ DISHES CLANGING ]

REDDINGTON? THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD SCHOOL.

YEAH, IT SURE IS.

WHEN DID YOU DECIDE TO GO TO COLLEGE?

YOU NEVER SAID ANYTHING TO US BEFORE.

VANESSA SUBMITTED AN APPLICATION FOR ME

'CAUSE THAT'S WHERE SHE'S GOING.

OH, SO NOW WE GET TO THE HEART OF IT.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA MAJOR IN, SON, VANESSA-OLOGY?

I HEAR IT'S EASY TO GET INTO.

LET'S BE NICE, BABY.

YEAH, WHAT FRATERNITY ARE YOU GONNA PLEDGE,

"FELT A BIT A THIGH"?

LOOK, WE DIDN'T EVEN THINK

THIS BOY WOULD GET OUT OF KINDERGARTEN.

THAT WAS A TOUGH THREE YEARS.

SO, WE CAN'T START ELIMINATING SCHOOLS

SIMPLY BECAUSE HIS GIRLFRIEND GOES THERE.

I DON'T WANT TO WASTE ALL THIS MONEY ON TUITION

WHEN HE'S GONNA SPEND ALL HIS TIME WITH HER

AND END UP FLUNKING OUT.

NO, MOM, LOOK --

I KNOW THIS MIGHT SOUND BIZARRE COMING FROM ME,

BUT I LOOK AT THIS AS A GREAT OPPORTUNITY.

BOY, SPELL OPPORTUNITY.

O-P-OR-TUNITY.

SEE? THAT'S WHY THIS BOY NEEDS TO GO TO COLLEGE.

I'M SERIOUS, MOM.

VANESSA HAS INSPIRED ME TO WANT TO LEARN.

THAT'S ALL WELL AND GOOD, SON,

AND I WOULD REALLY LOVE TO SUPPORT YOU,

BUT REALISTICALLY, BABY, WHAT ARE YOUR CHANCES

OF GETTING INTO A SCHOOL LIKE REDDINGTON?

SLIM TO NONE, BUT I KNOW SOMEBODY AT REDDINGTON.

WHO?

I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HE WORKS IN ADMISSIONS.

I REMEMBER WE DELIVERED SOME FURNITURE THERE.

MAYBE I CAN MAKE SOME CALLS AND SET UP AN INTERVIEW.

OH, I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE THAT, DAD.

THIS OPPORTUNITY HAS MADE ME SO EXUBERANT.

SPELL EXUBERANT.

E-X-U-B-E-R-A-N-T.

IS THAT RIGHT? YEAH.

OH, GOD.

YEAH, MR. BURNS. UH-HUH.

HE'S A TERRIFIC KID.

OKAY. SO, WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON, 3:00.

GREAT. TERRIFIC. YOU'RE GONNA LOVE HIM.

YEAH, HE'S A NICE KID. HE'S REALLY SMART.

VERY LEV-- LEVEL-HEADED. YEAH.

GOT ENOUGH BRAINS FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY.

OKAY. YEAH. SEE YOU THEN.

WELL, HE THINKS YOU'RE TERRIFIC.

YOU HAVE AN INTERVIEW WITH THE HEAD OF ADMISSIONS

WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON.

THAT'S TERRIFIC. THANKS, DAD.

YES, IT IS.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SIT THERE, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT,

AND LET ME DO ALL THE TALKING.

MICHAEL, IT'S HIS INTERVIEW.

THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU.

I KNOW, JAY, BUT I GOTTA GIVE THE BOY SOME DIRECTION.

I'M JUST GONNA CALL OUT SOME PLAYS FROM THE SIDELINES,

LIKE A GOOD COACH.

I MEAN, WE CAN'T PUT THIS BOY IN A ROOM

WITH ANYBODY WITH ANY KIND OF INTELLIGENCE.

THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.

WHAT?

ALL THE EFFORT YOU'RE PUTTING INTO THIS.

I'VE BEEN AN "A" STUDENT MY ENTIRE ACADEMIC CAREER,

I'M GOOD-LOOKING, HAVE A SMALL HEAD,

AND YET NUMSKULL OVER HERE GETS ALL THE ATTENTION.

WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?

CLAIRE, YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY FOR YOUR BROTHER.

WELL, I'M NOT.

I'VE MADE A FUNDAMENTAL TEENAGE ERROR --

I'VE BEEN TOO GOOD.

NOW IF I DO SOMETHING GOOD,

IT'S LIKE, "HO HUM, CLAIRE DID SOMETHING GOOD AGAIN."

BUT IF JUNIOR MANAGES TO TIE HIS SHOES,

YOU PEOPLE THROW A PARADE.

UHHHHHHH!

HEY, LOOK, DADDY, LOOK.

VERY GOOD.

HERCULES, HERCULES, HERCULES.

WELL, DAD, THANKS FOR MAKING THE CALL.

NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

VANESSA AND I ARE GONNA GO PICK UP OUR CAPS AND GOWNS.

WHEN HE GOES TO COLLEGE, WILL HE EVER COME BACK?

OF COURSE HE WILL, BABY, A COUPLE OF TIMES A MONTH.

OHH. YOU'RE GONNA MISS YOUR BIG BROTHER, HUH?

NO, I'M GLAD HE'S GOING.

I CAN'T WAIT TO GO THROUGH HIS STUFF.

[ GIGGLES ]

UHHHHH!

WOW, BABY, THIS REALLY FEELS GOOD.

OH, YEAH?

YEAH. JUST THE THOUGHT THAT MY SON

MAY GET THE DEGREE THAT I NEVER GOT

REALLY EXCITES ME.

MICHAEL, AS I KEEP POINTING OUT, THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU.

I KNOW, BABY.

BOY, I HOPE I DO GOOD ON MY INTERVIEW.

HEY, I GOT GREAT NEWS.

MY DAD SCHEDULED ME AN INTERVIEW AT REDDINGTON.

NOW WE'RE ONE STEP CLOSER TO BEING TOGETHER.

OH, CONGRATULAT--

I THINK WE HAVE ON THE WRONG HATS.

I COULDN'T TELL.

ALL MY HATS FIT LIKE THIS.

I'M EXCITED, BUT I'M ALSO NERVOUS.

I JUST WANT TO MAKE YOU PROUD.

I'VE BEEN NERVOUS, TOO.

I'VE HAD BUTTERFLIES IN MY STOMACH ALL WEEK.

YOU ARE GONNA DO REALLY, REALLY GOOD.

ONCE THE INTERVIEWER GETS TO KNOW YOU

THE WAY THAT I KNOW YOU,

THERE'S NO WAY HE CAN TURN YOU DOWN.

OOOOOOHH.

MM. MMM.

LET'S HOP IN MY DAD'S TRUCK, TEST OUT THE HYDRAULICS.

I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD GO TOO FAR.

WHAT'S 30 SECONDS OF UNFOCUSNESS, HUH?

JUNIOR...

HUH?

I KNOW, I KNOW. NO SEX.

RIGHT.

BUT WHEN YOU SAY, "NO SEX,"

DO YOU MEAN NO SEX, NO SEX OR NO SEX?

NO SEX.

WELL, DOES THAT INCLUDE THINGS

THAT ARE CLOSE TO SEX BUT REALLY AREN'T SEX?

LIKE WHAT?

LIKE YOU KNOW HOW SOME THINGS ARE CLOSE TO SPORTS

BUT REALLY AREN'T SPORTS,

LIKE PLAYING FRISBEE WITH YOUR DOG?

HOW ABOUT THROWING SOMETHING UP IN THE AIR,

AND I'LL TRY TO CATCH IT IN MY MOUTH?

HA HA HA.

EHH.

I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD TEMPT OURSELVES.

WE SLIPPED ONCE,

AND YOU ENDED UP LIVING HERE IN THE GARAGE.

IF YOU PUT HALF AS MUCH EFFORT INTO GETTING INTO COLLEGE

AS YOU DO TRYING TO GET ME IN THE BED,

YOU'D HAVE GRADUATED BY NOW.

WITH HONORS? HA HA HA HA.

NAH?

NAH.

[ SIGHS ]

ALL RIGHT. I WANT TO BE ON THE ROAD BY 10:30

SO WE CAN GET TO REDDINGTON WITH TIME TO SPARE.

RELAX, DAD.

MICHAEL, CALM DOWN. YOU'RE MAKING US ALL NERVOUS.

I JUST WANT THIS TO BE RIGHT. NOW, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA WEAR?

I DON'T KNOW -- JEANS AND A SWEATER.

NO!

YOU DON'T WEAR JEANS AND A SWEATER

TO THE MOST IMPORTANT INTERVIEW OF YOUR LIFE.

IT SAYS, "I DON'T CARE."

HOW ABOUT A SUIT?

NO!

YOU DON'T WEAR A SUIT TO AN INTERVIEW LIKE THIS.

IT SAYS, "I'M DESPERATE, LIKE ME, LIKE ME.

I'M DESPERATE. I'M DESPERATE."

BUT I AM DESPERATE.

WE ALL KNOW YOU'RE DESPERATE.

LOOK AT YOUR FACE. IT SAYS HOPELESS.

BUT YOU DON'T WANT TO SHOW THAT.

YOU WANT TO BE COOL AND CONFIDENT.

WEAR A NICE PAIR OF SLACKS WITH AN OPEN-COLLAR SHIRT.

THAT'S WHAT SAYS COOL, CONFIDENT.

I THINK THAT SAYS DORK.

OH, COME ON, BE NICE.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA HAVE ME TO KICK AROUND MUCH LONGER.

YOU PROMISE?

GIVE ME A TIME FRAME.

ONE WEEK, TWO WEEKS, WHAT? WHAT?

HEY, HEY, VULTURE, YOU CAN PICK HIS BONES LATER.

IF YOU'RE FINISHED WITH YOUR BREAKFAST,

THEN GO UPSTAIRS AND GET READY FOR SCHOOL.

I'M OUTTA HERE.

LET'S GO OVER THE ROUTE WE'RE GONNA TAKE TO GET TO REDDINGTON.

ALL RIGHT.

HOLLER!

HI, CLAIRE.

I THINK WE SHOULD TAKE THE 95 UP TO THE PARKWAY,

THEN TURN OFF RIGHT OVER HERE.

NO, BABY, NO.

YOU WANT TO AVOID THE FREEWAY. DON'T TAKE THAT ROUTE.

YOU GO THE SURFACE STREETS.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

WE'RE GOING OVER THIS ROUTE HERE.

WE'RE MAPPING OUT

HOW WE'RE GONNA GET TO THE REDDINGTON UNIVERSITY.

WELL, GOOD LUCK.

TAKE THIS WAY RIGHT HERE.

AFTER SCHOOL TODAY, I'M THINKING OF GETTING A TATTOO.

THAT'S GOOD, BABY.

OF HITLER.

THAT'S NICE, CLAIRE. THAT'S NICE.

THAT'S NICE, BABY.

ON MY FACE.

OF HITLER!

THAT'S NICE, BABY. THAT'S NICE.

YOU'LL BE LIKE TYSON.

JUST MAKE SURE THEY DON'T MESS UP THE MOUSTACHE.

WE'LL TAKE THE SURFACE STREETS.

THANK YOU.

BUT IF WE'RE LATE, I'M GONNA BLAME YOU.

HEY, I'VE BEEN WORKING ON MY INTERVIEWING TECHNIQUES.

AND I THINK I'VE COME UP

WITH A GREAT WAY TO BREAK THE ICE --

I'M GONNA OPEN WITH A JOKE.

THAT'S GOOD.

HERE WE GO. KNOCK, KNOCK.

WHO'S THERE?

JUNIOR!

NO, WAIT. THAT'S NOT HOW IT GO.

OKAY. YOU START. YOU START.

KNOCK, KNOCK. KNOCK, KNOCK.

WHO'S THERE?

NO, WAIT. THAT'S NOT HOW IT GO, NEITHER.

UH, I'M GONNA GO WORK ON THAT.

WOW.

KNOCK, KNOCK. WHO'S THERE?

JACKASS.

COME ON. SIT UP STRAIGHT.

DON'T HAVE YOUR KNEES SO FAR APART.

STOP ROCKING.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, YOU'RE SLING BLADE?

TAKE YOUR HAND OUT YOUR MOUTH.

HEE HEE HEE.

WHAT ARE YOU SMILING FOR?

TAKE THE SMILE OFF YOUR FACE.

ONLY STUPID PEOPLE SMILE

WHEN THERE'S NOTHING TO SMILE ABOUT.

DON'T LOOK SO MEAN. YOU LOOK ANGRY.

YOU LOOK LIKE VING RHAMES.

NO. RIGHT HERE.

THERE IT IS. JUST KEEP THAT FACE.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, IF YOU HAVE TO BREAK WIND -- DO YOU?

GET IT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM.

NOT HERE.

GO OUT IN THE HALLWAY.

OKAY. JEEZ.

MICHAEL KYLE, YOU ARE COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL.

YOU GOTTA LET THIS BOY REPRESENT HIMSELF.

I'M TRYING TO WHIP HIM INTO SHAPE

AND GIVE HIM A LITTLE PEP TALK.

YOU'RE TRYING TO BEAT HIM, AND I DON'T LIKE IT.

WELL, MAYBE I'M A LITTLE OVERANXIOUS.

A LITTLE OVERANXIOUS?

NO, MICHAEL, YOU'RE WAY OVER THE TOP.

WHEN YOU GET INTO THAT ROOM, I WANT YOU TO SIT DOWN.

WHEN JUNIOR GOES IN THERE, AND HE SAYS SOMETHING STUPID,

I WANT YOU TO NOD YOUR HEAD AND SUPPORT HIM.

BECAUSE IF HE'S TO GET INTO THIS COLLEGE,

I WANT IT TO BE BECAUSE OF WHO HE IS, NOT FOR WHO YOU ARE

OR WHO HE IS PRETENDING TO BE.

GET YOUR HAND OUT YOUR MOUTH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

SIT UP! SIT UP STRAIGHT!

UNCROSS YOUR LEGS.

WHAT ARE YOU SMILING FOR?!

I GOTTA BREAK WIND.

GO DO IT. GO DO IT.

WELL, YOUNG MAN, TELL ME WHY

YOU'D LIKE TO ATTEND REDDINGTON UNIVERSITY.

WELL, WHO WOULDN'T WANT

TO ATTEND THIS FINE UNIVERSITY OF REDDINGTON?

FIRST OF ALL, YOU HAVE THE HIGHEST ACADEMIC STANDARDS

IN THE ENTIRE COUNTRY.

EXCUSE ME.

MICHAEL, I BELIEVE HE WAS TALKING TO MICHAEL JUNIOR.

OH. HA HA. WELL, MY MISTAKE.

I'M SURE MICHAEL JUNIOR WOULD HAVE SAID

IT'S BECAUSE OF THE HIGH ACADEMIC STANDARDS

AND THE ACHIEVEMENTS OF THE ALUMNI.

RIGHT, SON, ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU WOULD SAY?

TELL HIM. JUST LIKE THAT.

I LIKE TO ACHIEVE ALUMNIS.

YOU SEE HOW HE EDITS?

WHAT HE DOES IS HE TAKES IN INFORMATION, HE DISSECTS IT,

AND THEN HE SPITS IT OUT IN A VERY UNORTHODOX WAY.

HE'S SORT OF AN IDIOT SAVANT.

I NICKNAMED HIM RAIN MAN.

AND UPID-STA.

SO, WHAT ARE SOME OF YOUR INTERESTS?

YOU KNOW WHAT HE'S GREAT AT? ART.

THIS KID CAN DRAW A CARICATURE OF SOMEONE

IN LESS THAN 30 SECONDS.

HERE, DRAW MR. BURNS.

WHAT ARE YOUR INTERESTS? WHAT DO YOU LIKE?

I SPEND MOST OF MY FREE TIME READING.

BOOKS. THAT'S GREAT.

DRAW HIM WITH A BIG BOOK, A LITTLE HEAD, AND BIG GLASSES.

DON'T MAKE HIM TOO BIG.

DON'T MAKE HIM A HEAVY GUY BECAUSE HE'S A GREAT SIZE.

PUT THAT WINNING SMILE ON HIS FACE,

THE LITTLE DIMPLES HE'S GOT.

GO AHEAD, SON. YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS.

OKAY. I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY, MR. BURNS.

HIS FATHER'S A LITTLE ANXIOUS.

I UNDERSTAND.

MAYBE I SHOULD SEE MICHAEL ALONE.

MR. AND MRS. KYLE, YOU CAN WAIT OUT IN THE HALL.

ALONE?

THANK YOU.

JUST YOU AND HIM IN THE -- IN THE SAME ROOM?

OH, BUT -- WE CAN HANDLE THAT.

YOU CAN HANDLE THAT, RIGHT, SON, HUH?

HA HA. YOU'RE GONNA HANDLE THAT.

WELL, OKAY. FINE.

WE'LL BE --

IT'S REALLY NICE MEETING YOU.

I'M SURE YOU'LL MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION.

IN FACT, I'M CONFIDENT YOU WILL.

UH, MR. KYLE...

YES?

YOU DROPPED SOME MONEY ON MY DESK.

WELL, LOOK AT THAT. IT'S NOT MINE.

THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE.

WELL, THERE'S A WHOLE PILE OF HUNDREDS HERE.

THAT'S NOT MINE, BUT I'M SURE THERE'S A LOT MORE

WHERE THAT CAME FROM.

I HEAR THE HUNDRED FAIRY IS VERY, VERY GENEROUS.

HA HA. JUST TAKE THE MONEY, PLEASE.

OKAY, FINE.

I'LL TAKE THE MONEY THAT'S NOT MINE.

I MEAN, WHO WOULD TURN DOWN FREE MONEY OTHER THAN YOU, HUH?

I WANT YOU TO KNOW, MR. BURNS, IF THIS WAS MY MONEY,

IF IN FACT IT IS,

IT PROBABLY FELL OUT THROUGH A HOLE IN MY POCKET.

I DIDN'T DROP IT INTENTIONALLY.

JUST GO, PLEASE.

WE'RE GOING.

SIR...

HUH?

LOOK AT THAT.

THAT MONEY JUST WON'T STAY IN MY POCKET.

I'M REALLY A CLUMSY GUY. WHOOPSIE.

OKAY.

GO, PLEASE.

YEAH. WE'RE GONE. WE'RE GONE.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? WILL YOU --

STOP LISTENING AT THE DOOR.

I'M SORRY.

I JUST WANT THIS SO BADLY FOR THAT BOY.

I'D DO ANYTHING TO GET JUNIOR INTO THIS COLLEGE.

WELL, YOU CAN'T BRIBE YOUR WAY INTO THE COLLEGE.

SURE YOU CAN, JAY.

I JUST DIDN'T DROP ENOUGH CASH.

SEE? HE'S NEGOTIATING WITH US, JAY.

THE GUY'S PLAYING HARDBALL.

HE KNOWS THAT ONLY THE TOP BILL WAS A 100.

BUT I'M WEARING HIM DOWN.

YOU SEE HOW LONG IT TOOK HIM TO GIVE IT BACK THE LAST TIME?

I KNOW WHAT HE LIKES NOW.

AND WHAT'S THAT?

STEAK.

SEE? IF I'D HAVE HAD SOME MEAT BETWEEN THAT $100 BILL,

JUNIOR WOULD HAVE BEEN GOING TO REDDINGTON BY NOW.

YOU ARE SO RIDICULOUS.

OH, GOD, MICHAEL, I HOPE WE'RE DOING THE RIGHT THING.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?

I KEEP PICTURING HIM AND THAT GIRL HERE.

HE'S SO CRAZY ABOUT HER.

HOW LONG WILL IT BE BEFORE HE GETS INTO TROUBLE?

LOOK, THEY CAN GET INTO TROUBLE ANYWHERE.

AT LEAST HERE,

THEY'LL BE LEARNING SOMETHING IN THE PROCESS.

I CAN'T HELP BUT WORRY. I'M A MOTHER.

HEY, I WORRY ABOUT OUR KIDS, TOO.

DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD ACKNOWLEDGE

THAT CLAIRE'S A BLONDE?

NAH. IT'S TOO MUCH FUN TORTURING HER RIGHT NOW.

WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN TO THEM, MICHAEL?

I DON'T KNOW, JAY.

KIDS ARE LIKE BOWLING BALLS.

SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOT TO LET 'EM GO,

AND THEN KIND OF DO THIS...

AND HOPE THEY DON'T END UP IN THE GUTTER.

SPEAKING OF BOWLING BALLS, HEY, HOW'D IT GO IN THERE?

GREAT. WE TALKED ABOUT ALL KINDS OF STUFF.

OH, BOY, WE'RE DEAD IN THE WATER.

NO, DAD. IT WAS A VERY STIMULATING CONVERSATION.

WIDE-RANGING.

HE SAID I WAS A VERY PECULIAR YOUNG MAN.

TRANSLATION -- "WE DON'T WANT YOU HERE."

NO, DAD, HE SAID THAT

IF I'M WILLING TO TAKE A FEW EXTRA COURSES AND DO WELL,

PLAY ANOTHER SPORT, LEARN ANOTHER LANGUAGE,

AND GROW A COUPLE OF INCHES,

THERE'S A 25% TO 30% CHANCE

THAT I COULD MOVE UP ON THE WAITING LIST.

WOW. 25% TO 30% CHANCE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF YOU KEEP GETTING NEWS LIKE THAT, SON,

YOU'LL BE HALFWAY WHERE YOU WANT TO BE IN LIFE.

THANKS, DAD. I OWE IT ALL TO YOU.

MAN, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HIS FACE

WHEN I TOLD HIM ABOUT MY COMIC BOOK ON TOILET PAPER IDEA.

COME ON, LET'S GO.

WHERE ARE WE GOING?

GET A SIDE OF BEEF.

CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?

YEAH, SURE. WHAT'S UP?

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT JUNIOR LEAVING HOME?

OH, I'M THRILLED. I CANNOT BE HAPPIER.

YEAH, ME TOO.

WHO NEEDS HIM?

NOT ME.

I'VE BEEN WEARING A BLOND WIG FOR TWO DAYS,

AND MOM AND DAD HAVEN'T EVEN BLINKED.

MAYBE WHEN JUNIOR'S FINALLY GONE,

THEY'LL START PAYING ATTENTION TO US.

I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL HE LEAVES.

ME NEITHER.

OF COURSE, I WILL MISS THE COOKIES.

WHAT COOKIES?

EVERY NIGHT, AFTER I GO TO SLEEP,

JUNIOR PUTS A CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE

OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR.

THOSE COOKIES ARE FROM JUNIOR?

YOU GET ONE, TOO?

YEAH, BUT I THOUGHT THEY WERE FROM MOM OR DAD

OR THE COOKIE FAIRY.

I NEVER THOUGHT THEY WERE FROM JUNIOR.

YEAH, JUNIOR SAID

AS LONG AS THERE'S A COOKIE OUTSIDE OF YOUR DOOR,

BAD DREAMS CAN'T GET IN.

HUH. IMAGINE THAT.

JUNIOR?

YEP. JUNIOR.

AH, I'M STILL NOT GONNA MISS HIM.

ME NEITHER.

[ SIGHS ] I'M SO NERVOUS ABOUT GRADUATION.

WHAT ARE YOU NERVOUS ABOUT?

TRIPPING AND FALLING ON MY FACE.

EVERY YEAR THAT HAPPENS TO SOME POOR DOOFUS.

DON'T YOU WORRY. THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN TO YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT, CLAIRE? I REALLY LIKE YOUR HAIR.

FINALLY! SOMEBODY NOTICES!

NOTICES WHAT?

I'VE BEEN A BLONDE FOR THE BETTER PART OF A WEEK.

GET OUTTA HERE.

THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE, CLAIRE.

WHAT? WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT?

I GUESS I DIDN'T NOTICE BECAUSE IT HAPPENED SO GRADUALLY.

NOW, WAS THIS A COSMETIC CHANGE

OR A DESPERATE PLEA FOR ATTENTION?

IT WAS A DESPERATE PLEA FOR ATTENTION

THAT OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T WORK.

LOOK AT IT THIS WAY, CLAIRE.

IN ANOTHER TWO YEARS, YOU'LL BE GRADUATING,

AND THEN WE'LL BE IGNORING KADY.

HEY!

Junior: OH, MY GOD. IT CAME. IT CAME.

WHAT? WHAT?

A LETTER FROM THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE

AT REDDINGTON UNIVERSITY.

OKAY.

OPEN IT, OPEN IT.

NO, NO, DON'T OPEN IT. OKAY, OPEN IT.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

I GOTTA DO THE HAPPY DANCE.

♪ YA DA DA-DA, DA-DA DA ♪

♪ YA DA DA DA DA, DA-DA DO ♪

♪ YA DE DE DE, DA DA DA DA DA DA ♪

[ CLUCKS TONGUE ]

GIVE ME THIS. GIVE IT TO ME.

I GOTTA KISS IT. I GOTTA KISS IT.

[ SMOOCHES ]

YEAH, LET ME GET A KISS. [ SMOOCHING ]

HERE, KISS IT. THERE YOU GO.

OKAY, OPEN IT. OPEN IT.

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING AROUND FOR?

WHAT DOES IT SAY?

"DEAR MR. KYLE, I GREATLY ENJOYED MEETING YOU RECENTLY

"AND WAS IMPRESSED WITH YOUR PECULIAR LIFE VIEW

"AND YOUR SPECIAL ABILITIES.

"THEREFORE, I WOULD LIKE TO EXTEND TO YOU

"A PROVISIONAL ACCEPTANCE TO REDDINGTON UNIVERSITY.

P.S. TELL YOUR FATHER THANK YOU FOR THE STEAKS."

OH, BABY!

I TOLD YOU. I TOLD YOU HE LIKED STEAK.

I KNEW HE LIKED STEAK.

WAIT A MINUTE. HO, HO, HO, HO.

LET'S NOT GET ALL WORKED UP.

WHY NOT, BABY?

IF I HEARD CORRECTLY, IT SAID PROVISIONAL ACCEPTANCE.

ANYTIME THEY SAY "PROVISIONAL,"

THAT MEANS THEY'RE GONNA SHOW YOU SOMETHING

THAT YOU REALLY CAN'T HAVE.

YEAH. SO, WHAT ARE THE PROVISIONS?

I HAVE TO COMPLETE TWO SUMMER-SCHOOL COURSES --

CALCULUS AND AMERICAN LITERATURE.

WELL, THERE GOES REDDINGTON.

NO, NO, NO, THIS IS GOOD NEWS

BECAUSE I LOVE AMERICAN LITERATURE,

AND I'M PRETTY SURE CALCULUS WAS A GREAT GLADIATOR.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL HELP YOU STUDY.

YEAH. WE'LL ALL HELP YOU STUDY.

YOU KNOW WHAT, SON? I'M PROUD OF YOU.

THIS IS GOOD NEWS.

THIS IS BETTER THAN GOOD. THIS IS SENSATIONAL.

BECAUSE NOW, WHEN WE GO AWAY TO COLLEGE,

WE CAN MOVE IN TOGETHER, AND WE CAN GET MARRIED.

Gasp

MICHAEL ARE YOU ALRIGHT?

YEAH, THE SHOCK OF THAT

JUST KNOCKED ME OFF MY SEAT

WHEN DID YOU SAID...

WHAT COLLEGE?