Original subtitles

MM. MMM-MM.

HEY, BABY. HEY.

WHAT YOU COOKIN'?

RUMP ROAST.

MM-HMM, I SEE.

IT'S LOOKIN' MIGHTY FINE, TOO.

GET AWAY FROM ME.

NO, I'M GETTING A LITTLE SLICE OF THAT RUMP ROAST.

NO, MICHAEL! THE KIDS ARE AT HOME.

WHAT'S THAT MEAN?

YOU KNOW ME, I'M QUICK AND QUIET.

I'M TRYING TO COOK.

I KNOW, AND YOU GOT ME ALL HEATED UP.

COME ON, PUT IT UP HERE.

[ LAUGHING ]

ARE THEY ALWAYS LIKE THIS?

ALWAYS. HELLO!

THERE ARE PEOPLE HERE.

WELL, WELL, WELL.

IF IT ISN'T OUR FAVORITE YOUNG COUPLE.

WHAT CAN WE DO YOU FOR?

UM...TONY AND I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

REALLY?

THAT'S GREAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I APPRECIATE ABOUT YOU GUYS?

THE FACT THAT YOU INCLUDE US

IN YOUR DECISION MAKING.

THAT'S WHAT PARENTS WANT.

AS PARENTS, IT MAKES US FEEL GOOD.

SO, WHAT IS IT? LAY IT ON US.

UH, CLAIRE AND I HAVE DECIDED

TO HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE.

YOU SON OF A --

MICHAEL! MICHAEL!

DID YOU HEAR WHAT HE SAID?!

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!

DAD, YOU SAID WE COULD TALK TO YOU ABOUT ANYTHING!

THAT'S RIGHT, MICHAEL. WE DID SAY THAT.

LET'S TRY TO BE CALM AND RATIONAL

AND LISTEN TO WHAT THE KIDS ARE TRYING TO TELL US.

THANKS, MOM, 'CAUSE I WANNA HAVE SEX, TOO.

YOU LITTLE -- [ SCREAMS ]

YOU KNOW I WILL KILL YOU!

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

YOU SAID CALM AND RATIONAL.

LET'S TRY TO BE CALM AND RATIONAL.

I WILL TRY TO BE CALM AND RATIONAL AFTER I KILL HER!

SEE? I TOLD YOU THEY'D REACT THIS WAY.

WE SHOULD HAVE JUST DONE IT.

BUT THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN WRONG.

THIS IS A JOKE.

IT'S APRIL FOOLS.

COME ON, TONY. YOU'RE JOSHING WITH ME.

YOU'RE PULLING MY CHAIN, HUH?

UH, NO.

WE'RE VERY SERIOUS ABOUT HAVING SEX.

YOU SON OF A --

MICHAEL!

HELP ME! HELP ME!

MICHAEL!

DAD!

WE'RE ALMOST 17 YEARS OLD,

AND WE'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS FOR A LONG TIME.

WE FEEL LIKE WE'RE THE ONLY VIRGINS LEFT.

AND WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEING A VIRGIN THESE DAYS?

AND, TONY -- YOU, OF ALL PEOPLE.

WHAT WOULD BIBLE-LEADER TOM SAY ABOUT THIS?

WELL, ACTUALLY,

BIBLE-LEADER TOM WAS THE CATALYST

FOR THIS DECISION.

HE FELL FROM GRACE.

SO WHAT? HE HAD A LITTLE LOSS OF FAITH.

NO. HE ACTUALLY FELL OFF A WOMAN NAMED GRACE.

THEY WERE FORNICATING IN THE BASEMENT.

I DECIDED IF A MAN THAT DEVOUT

COULD SUCCUMB TO THE TEMPTATION OF THE FLESH,

THEN WHAT CHANCE DO I HAVE?

I MIGHT AS WELL JUST GIVE IN.

THEN CALL GRACE.

SHE SOUNDS LIKE A REALLY FUN CHICK.

CALL HER UP.

JUST LEAVE MY LITTLE CLAIRE OUT OF THIS.

BUT I WANNA HAVE SEX, TOO.

THEN CALL BIBLE-LEADER TOM. HE SOUNDS LIKE --

OH, THAT'S WRONG.

GET OUT OF THE WAY!

LOOK, WE'RE VERY HAPPY THAT YOU'VE COME TO US

TO TRY TO TALK TO US ABOUT YOUR DECISION.

BUT THE BOTTOM LINE IS --

WE FORBID IT. THAT RIGHT, MICHAEL?

ABSOLUTELY FORBIDDEN. END OF STORY.

I'M SORRY, BUT WE'RE IN LOVE,

AND WE SHOULD BE FREE TO PARTAKE

IN THE ULTIMATE EXPRESSION OF THAT LOVE.

WE'RE COMMITTED TO OUR PLAN,

AND WE'VE DECIDED WE'RE GOING TO DO IT

10:00 THIS FRIDAY NIGHT.

[ SIGHS ]

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I FEEL A LOT BETTER.

MAN.

YOU SON OF A -- MICHAEL!

DAD!

THE NERVE OF THAT BOY!

THE NERVE OF THAT BOY!

COMING IN OUR HOUSE...

...WHERE WE LIVE.

AND ASKING OUR PERMISSION...

OUR PERMISSION...

TO SLEEP WITH OUR BABY GIRL.

OUR BABY GIRL!

YOU KNOW THIS IS YOUR FAULT.

IT'S ALL MY FAU-- MY FAULT?

YEAH, SEE, YOU'RE THE ONE THAT SAID,

"HEY, LET CLAIRE START DATING.

"TONY SEEMS LIKE A NICE BOY.

HE'S RELIGIOUS. HE'S UPSTANDING."

YOU WERE RIGHT, JAY.

HE'S STANDING UP RIGHT NOW.

HOW YOU GONNA BLAME ME?

BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T LISTEN TO ME

WHEN I SAID, "LOCK THE GIRL IN HER ROOM

AND PUT HER ON THE JELLY-DOUGHNUT DIET."

WE'D HAVE HAD A 300-POUND VIRGIN, JAY.

ONLY THING SHE'D BE ABLE TO OPEN IS HER EYES.

SHE'D HAVE BEEN SAFE

IN THE CONFINES OF THE FOLDS OF HER FLESH.

YOU SAY, "HEY, CLAIRE. YOU IN THERE?"

SHE'D GO, "YES, DADDY...

"AND I DON'T WANT NO SEX,

BUT I'LL TAKE ANOTHER BURGER."

I STILL STAND BY MY DECISION TO LET HER DATE.

AT LEAST THEY CAME TO US FIRST.

NO, NO, NO. SEE. THAT WAS THE PLAN.

YOU COME AND ASK FOR OUR PERMISSION.

DON'T YOU GET IT?

IT'S SCIENTIFIC IN ITS SIMPLICITY.

THIS IS THE "BIG BANG THEORY."

THE WHAT?

IT'S THE BIG BANG THEORY. THE BBT AT ITS BEST.

YOU GET IT? NO.

HE'S BEING ASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE.

DON'T YOU MEAN PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE?

NO, I HAD IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

HE IS AGGRESSIVELY TRYING TO GET SOME ASSET FROM CLAIRE.

WAIT A MINUTE. HOLD UP.

I SEE. YOU SEE IT?

THEY COME RIGHT OUT FRONT TO GO BEHIND OUR BACKS.

EXACTLY!

THEY TELL US WHAT THEY WANT TO DO,

AND WHILE WE'RE WORRYING WHAT THEY'RE GONNA DO,

THEY GO OUT AND DO WHAT THEY SAID THEY WERE GONNA DO!

WHAT WE GONNA DO?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT WE AIN'T GONNA LET THEM DO WHAT THEY WANNA DO.

HOW WE GONNA STOP THEM?

WE GOT TO SCARE THEM.

OH, THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S GOOD.

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'M GONNA DO, TOO.

NO THREATS WITH GUNS, MICHAEL.

OH, MAN. THAT WAS PLAN A!

NO.

WHAT ABOUT MY O.J. KNIFE?

NO.

A BULU DART? HEY, TONY.

NO!

NO WEAPONS. JUST WORDS.

I'LL TAKE TONY. YOU TAKE CLAIRE.

GOOD IDEA.

[ HUMMING ]

[ Low voice ] HEY, BABY. MY NAME IS JUNIOR.

WHAT YOUR NAME IS?

[ High-pitched ] HEE-HEE. DELILAH.

[ Low voice ] HMMM. THAT'S REAL PRETTY.

LET'S DO IT.

[ High-pitched voice ] NO! NO!

[ Low voice ] COME HERE, GIRL. COME HERE, GIRL.

JUNIOR, DO YOU HAVE MY DOLLS?

NO.

WHY WOULD I HAVE YOUR STUPID DOLLS?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM ANYWAY?

GET OUT!

THIS ISN'T YOUR ROOM! IT'S THE GARAGE.

EVERYTHING BETWEEN THE MOTOR OIL

AND THE DIRTY LAUNDRY IS MY ROOM.

SO GET OUT.

YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME.

GET OUT! NO.

GET OUT OR BE THROWN OUT.

TRY IT. OKAY.

PUT ME DOWN!

PUT ME DOWN!

I'LL PUT YOU DOWN OUTSIDE.

AND STAY OUT!

I HATE YOU. I HOPE YOU GET SICK AND DIE!

YOU SHOULDN'T SAY THINGS LIKE THAT.

YOU COULD --

[ GAGGING ]

GETTING WEAK.

LOSING...VOCABULARY.

MOUTH...

DRY...

JUNIOR, YOU ARE FAKING, AREN'T YOU?

NO. YOU KILLED ME.

NO, I DIDN'T! NO, NO, NO!

I DIDN'T MEAN IT!

I MUST BID YOU...ADIEU.

NO, JUNIOR!

NO, JUNIOR! UNLESS...

UNLESS WHAT, JUNIOR?

UNLESS YOU MAKE ME A JELLY,

RELISH, MAYO, AND BOILED EGG SANDWICH.

RIGHT AWAY!

OH, THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD.

[ CHUCKLES ]

Woman: SLOWLY LIFT YOUR RIGHT LEG TO THE HEAVENS.

DOESN'T THAT FEEL GOOD?

YES! YES, IT FEELS GOOD!

CAN'T YOU WAIT TILL FRIDAY?!

MOM! I WAS JUST FINISHING UP MY YOGA.

CLAIRE! WHEN DID YOU START GETTING INTO YOGA?

ACTUALLY, TONY SUGGESTED IT.

HE SAID THE MORE FLEXIBLE YOU ARE,

THE BETTER THE SEX --

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

LOOK, THAT'S WHAT I CAME IN HERE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.

PLEASE, DON'T TRY TO CHANGE MY MIND.

TONY AND I ARE BOTH IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER.

I AM NOT TRYING TO CHANGE YOUR MIND.

I JUST WANT YOU TO LOOK AT THIS BOOK.

WHAT IS IT?

A BOOK ON SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES.

MOM...

YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT

BECAUSE TONY AND I ARE BOTH VIRGINS.

CLAIRE.

TONY MAY SAY HE IS A VIRGIN,

BUT DO YOU REALLY, REALLY BELIEVE HIM?

YES.

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

MOM, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO ALWAYS SAID

I'LL KNOW WHEN I'M READY.

WELL...

I'M READY.

I'M REALLY READY.

I'M REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY --

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

CLAIRE. CLAIRE, I GOT YOU.

YOU MAY THINK THAT YOU'RE READY,

BUT THERE'S A LOT OF THINGS THAT COME ALONG WITH SEX

THAT I DON'T THINK YOU'RE READY FOR.

SEX CHANGES YOU, CLAIRE.

I UNDERSTAND THAT, AND I'M READY TO CHANGE.

CLAIRE, YOU'RE TOO YOUNG!

YOU'RE NOT EMOTIONALLY MATURE ENOUGH TO HANDLE SEX.

AND YOU WERE? HEY!

WATCH IT.

YOU TOLD ME TO COME AND TALK TO YOU FIRST,

AND I DID.

THAT WAS OUR AGREEMENT.

WHAT IS THE POINT IN YOU COMING AND TALKING TO ME

IF YOU DON'T EVEN RESPECT MY OPINION?

I RESPECT IT. I JUST DON'T AGREE WITH IT.

PUT YOUR LEG DOWN.

HEY, TONY. GLAD YOU CAME OVER.

NO PROBLEM.

LISTEN, I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU

ABOUT YOUR PLAN TO HAVE SEX WITH CLAIRE.

OH, YEAH, I'M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.

YEAH. I KNOW.

I ACTUALLY RENTED A HOTEL ROOM AND EVERYTHING.

I WANT IT TO BE ROMANTIC, SO I TOOK IT FOR TWO HOURS.

FRIDAY NIGHT, IT'S ON!

YEAH!

OKAY, HAVE A SEAT, TONY.

OKAY.

LISTEN...

I WANTED YOU TO COME OVER BECAUSE I NEEDED TO TALK TO YOU

ABOUT MY OTHER SON, JIMMY.

YOU HAVE ANOTHER SON?

HAD, TONY. HAD.

WHAT HAPPENED TO JIMMY?

WELL, JIMMY DIED

IN A VERY TERRIBLE SEXUAL-INTERCOURSE ACCIDENT.

WHAT HAPPENED?

HE BLEW UP!

OH, MY GOD!

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT WAS POSSIBLE!

YEAH, IT HAPPENS TO A LOT OF FIRST TIMERS.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING,

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT BUTTONS TO PUSH,

WRONG COMBINATION -- BOOM!

WHY ISN'T THIS MORE WIDELY REPORTED?

THE PANIC, TONY. DON'T YOU GET IT?

IF MORE PEOPLE KNEW ABOUT THIS,

LESS PEOPLE WOULD HAVE SEX,

AND THE WHOLE SPECIES WOULD DIE.

I SURE HOPE THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN TO CLAIRE AND ME.

AND IT WON'T, TONY,

IF YOU DON'T GO THROUGH WITH THIS.

NO WAY, MR. KYLE!

I HAVE TO BE BRAVE.

WE ALL HAVE TO TAKE RISKS

IF WE WANT THE SPECIES TO CONTINUE.

I WILL HAVE SEX WITH YOUR DAUGHTER EVEN IF IT KILLS ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT? IT JUST MIGHT, TONY.

OKAY, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK. OKAY.

THE THING IS, YOU ARE SO INEXPERIENCED.

WELL, YEAH. I AGREE, MR. KYLE.

THAT'S WHY I'VE BEEN TRYING TO EDUCATE MYSELF.

I'VE BEEN READING THIS BOOK.

"KAMASUTRA"?

YEAH. SEE, LOOK.

THAT'S THE ONE WE'RE GONNA DO.

THAT ONE RIGHT THERE.

BUT, OH!

OH, MY GOD. THAT'S PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE.

I KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE DIFFICULT,

BUT CLAIRE AND I HAVE BEEN TAKING YOGA.

I'M ACTUALLY GETTING PRETTY LIMBER.

TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA. BAM!

LOOK, FORGET THE BOOK. FORGET YOGA, OKAY?

WHAT I'M TRYING TO IMPRESS UPON YOU

IS THAT SEX CAN BE DEADLY.

I AGREE, MR. KYLE. THAT'S WHY I'VE GOT THESE.

WILT CHAMBERLAIN'S XLs?

THE LORD'S BLESSED ME IN MANY WAYS, MR. KYLE.

[ SIGHS ] TONY...

WHAT AM I GONNA DO, TONY?

BUT THERE ACTUALLY IS A CONCERN THAT I HAVE.

WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE?

IT? YOU'VE NEVER DONE --

NO.

YOU'VE NEVER EVEN -- NEVER.

YEAH. LOOK, UM...

YOU KNOW WHAT? I CAN HELP YOU.

I CAN SHOW YOU WHAT IT'S GONNA --

SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN.

I CAN TELL YOU WHAT IT'S GONNA FEEL LIKE.

NOW, I WANT YOU TO PUT YOUR HANDS UP ON THE TABLE.

THEN I WANT YOU TO VISUALIZE YOU AND CLAIRE.

CLOSE YOUR EYES. SEE YOU WRITHING IN ECSTASY.

YOU GOT THAT IMAGE IN YOUR HEAD?

YEAH.

YOU GOT IT? YEAH.

OOOOOOOOOOW! MY HANDS!

AND A LITTLE LEMON JUICE.

OW, MY EYES! MY EYES!

AAAAH! YOU SEE?

THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULDN'T DO IT.

WAIT.

IT'S KIND OF STARTING TO TINGLE A LITTLE BIT.

KINDA FEELS GOOD. OH, MAN!

YOU GOTTA FEEL THAT!

OW! OW! MY EYES! MY EYES!

OW! MY HAND! AAAH! OOH! OOH! OOH!

AAAH! OOOH! AAAAH!

GOOD TALK, MR. KYLE.

THANKS.

AAAH. AAAH.

HI, MON CHéRI. THESE ARE FOR YOU.

MMM, GREAT.

CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW. I'M BUSY.

SO WHAT'S GOING ON?

FRANKLIN, IF YOU'RE GONNA TALK TO ME,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO IT WHILE FOLDING JUNIOR'S LAUNDRY.

CERTAINLY, MY DEAR, SWEET --

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. SHUT UP AND FOLD.

I'M TRYING TO FINISH KNITTING THIS HAT.

FOR WHO?

FOR JUNIOR.

HE NEEDS TO KEEP HIS HEAD WARM,

BEING AS SICK AS HE IS.

YOU'RE GONNA NEED A LOT MORE YARN THAN THAT.

HA. IT'S NOT FUNNY.

OH.

AND DON'T MAKE ANY JOKES ABOUT MY BROTHER.

HE'S VERY SICK RIGHT NOW.

WHAT'S WRONG?

I WISHED HE'D GET SICK AND DIE,

AND HE DID GET SICK,

SO NOW I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF HIM

BEFORE HE DIES.

THAT'S FUNNY.

I JUST SAW HIM PLAYING WITH DOLLS IN THE GARAGE.

HE SAYS HE GOES IN AND OUT OF HIS COMAS.

I THINK HE'S TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOUR BIG HEART.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I MEAN, I THINK YOU'RE BEING WORKED.

HE'S PLAYING YOU FOR A FOOL.

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

THAT BIG HEAD HAS EVIL IN IT.

REALLY?

I'M AFRAID SO.

WHAT A JERK.

YEAH, BUT I HAVE A PLAN TO TURN THE TABLES.

LISTEN CAREFULLY.

[ WHISPERING ] OOH!

HI, CLAIRE.

HI, TONY.

WELL, TONIGHT'S THE BIG NIGHT.

I KNOW. I'M EXCITED.

YEAH, ME, TOO.

MICHAEL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THEM?

THE SCARE TACTIC ISN'T WORKING.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

GONNA HAVE TO GO WITH PLAN B. THE GUN?

NO! PLAN C.

OH, YEAH. OH, YEAH, YEAH.

OH, HI, MR. AND MRS. KYLE!

HEY! HEY!

LOOK, IT'S TONY.

TONY!

RIGHT ON TIME TO DEVIRGINIZE OUR DAUGHTER.

SURE ENOUGH.

SO, YOU READY FOR THE BIG NIGHT?

OH, YEAH, I'VE BEEN PRACTICING FOR THREE NIGHTS.

GOT YOUR HIPS ALL LOOSENED UP?

ALL LOOSENED UP. GOOD. GOOD.

YOU HAVE YOUR CONDOMS?

YEP. HORSE IS ALL READY TO BE SADDLED.

GOOD. GET THE HOTEL SET UP?

GOT THE CONFIRMATION NUMBER?

EVERYTHING'S SET.

OKAY, I WANNA GIVE YOU A LITTLE SOMETHING.

THIS HERE IS AN HERB.

IT'S CALLED YOHIMBé.

YOU TAKE THAT...

HA! ALL NIGHT LONG.

ALL NIGHT LONG.

THAT'S WHAT I USE ON HER.

HA HA HA!

OH, YEAH.

LET THAT GO DOWN. OKAY.

HUH? YEAH, YOU JUST SWALLOW THAT DOWN.

MAN, THANKS, MR. KYLE.

THANKS FOR BEING SO COOL WITH EVERYTHING.

HEY! COME ON, YOU SON OF A GUN!

YOU'RE GONNA TAKE MY DAUGHTER INTO WOMANHOOD.

YOU SON OF A GUN!

SON OF A GUN!!

SO, YOU GUYS...

YOU JUST --

WHAT ARE YOU STANDING AROUND HERE FOR?

GET OUT OF HERE, YOU LITTLE HORN TOADS.

BYE, GUYS.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

THERE'S ONE LITTLE THING I FORGOT.

CLAIRE CAN'T GO WITH YOU.

SHE SURE CAN'T.

WHY NOT?

SHE'S ON PUNISHMENT.

SHE SURE IS.

FOR WHAT?

YOU -- FOR WHAT?

FOR BREAKING THE GLASS.

YOU BROKE THE GLASS.

WHAT GLASS?

OH, THIS GLASS.

LOOK AT THAT!

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU, CLAIRE!

MY FAVORITE GLASS!

YOU KNOW WHAT, MISS? YOU ARE GROUNDED.

HOW LONG IS SHE GROUNDED FOR?

ABOUT...TWO YEARS.

WHAT?!

YEP, YEP.

THAT GLASS WAS A VERY SPECIAL GLASS.

YOU KNOW THAT GLASS WAS GIVEN TO US BY...

...SAMMY DAVIS, JR.

THAT'S RIGHT. SAMMY SAID,

[ Imitating Sammy ] HERE, KIDS.

HOLD THIS FOR ME, CATS.

[ Normal voice ] THAT WAS HIS EYE GLASS.

HE USED TO KEEP HIS EYE IN THAT GLASS.

THE END OF THE NIGHT, HE'D GO --

[ CLICKS TONGUE ]

PUT THE EYE IN THERE, LET IT SOAK.

YOU RUN UPSTAIRS,

AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT HOW SAMMY MUST FEEL

WITHOUT THAT GLASS.

OH, I HATE THIS HOUSE! YOU GUYS ARE SO UNFAIR!

YOU KNOW, TONY,

I JUST COULDN'T LET YOU GO THROUGH WITH YOUR EVIL PLAN.

YOU CAN'T FOOL THE MASTER.

I WASN'T TRYING TO FOOL YOU, MR. KYLE.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE HONEST.

YOU GO BE HONEST WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S LITTLE GIRL,

NOT MINE.

YOU BETTER HURRY UP.

YOU GOT ABOUT 30 MINUTES BEFORE THAT YOHIMBé KICK IN.

YOU'RE GONNA BE WALKING WITH A LIMP.

HI, JUNIOR.

[ GROANING ]

ARE YOU OKAY? NO.

I'M NEAR DEATH.

I CAN SEE THAT.

YOUR EYES ARE ALL YELLOW AND ROOMY.

THEY ARE?

YEAH!

AND YOUR PULSE IS REALLY WEAK, TOO.

IT -- IT IS?

YEAH.

GEE WHIZ! YOU'RE BURNING UP!

ARE YOU SURE?

YEAH, MY DAD'S AN EPIDEMIOLOGIST.

A EP-HULAPALULA WHAT?

AN EPIDEMIOLOGIST --

A DOCTOR WHO STUDIES INFECTIOUS DISEASES.

[ GASPS ]

HAVE YOU BEEN TO THE CONGO LATELY?

NO.

HAVE YOU BEEN PLAYING WITH SEWAGE?

NO.

YOU HAVEN'T BEEN CURSED BY ANY CHANCE, HAVE YOU?

YES! YES! KADY! JUST THE OTHER DAY!

SHE WISHED I'D GET SICK AND DIE.

WELL, THERE'S YOUR ANSWER.

THAT'S NONSENSE. CURSES AREN'T REAL.

MY GOOD MAN, I BEG TO DIFFER.

I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU.

THERE ARE A FEW SIMPLE TESTS.

SHHH!

LISTEN. DID YOU HEAR THAT?

NO, NO. I DON'T HEAR ANYTHING.

OOOOH. THAT'S REALLY BAD.

STICK OUT YOUR TONGUE.

SAY "EEEEEEEEE."

EEEEEEEEEE.

OOH, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO DO THAT.

I HATE TO TELL YOU THIS, JUNIOR,

BUT YOU'RE NOT GONNA SURVIVE THE NIGHT.

WH-WH-WHAT CAN I DO? I DON'T KNOW!

COME ON!

YOUR DAD'S A EPI-HOCAWACALOLLIPOP.

YOUR ONLY HOPE IS TO GO TO KADY

AND BEG HER TO REMOVE THE CURSE.

BUT WHAT IF SHE SAYS "NO"?

THEN IT'S CURTAINS, KID.

MICHAEL! WHAT?

MICHAEL! WHAT?!

I JUST CHECKED IN ON CLAIRE. SHE'S GONE!

SHE MUST HAVE SNUCK OUT OF HER WINDOW!

OH, NO, THEY WERE GOING TO DO IT AT 10:00.

WHAT TIME IS IT?

IT'S 10:03.

OH, GOD, IT'S OVER!

IT'S OVER!

HEY, EVERYBODY. WE'RE BACK.

DON'T YOU "HEY, EVERYBODY" ME!

MICHAEL!

[ SCREAMING ]

YOU LITTLE...

COME BACK!

MICHAEL!

WE DIDN'T DO IT!

WE DIDN'T DO IT, DAD!

HE DIDN'T DO IT. THEY DIDN'T DO IT!

HE DIDN'T DO IT!

[ LAUGHING ]

I WAS JUST KIDDING.

TRYING TO GET IN A LITTLE EXERCISE.

WHEW!

PRETTY FAST, EH, KID?

OW.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SO HAPPY.

YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TALK BACK

AFTER YOU BROKE SAMMY'S FAKE-GLASS EYEGLASS GLASS.

THAT'S RIGHT.

ARE YOU GUYS GETTING SOME SENSE IN YOUR HEAD

AND FINALLY LISTENING TO WHAT WE HAVE TO SAY?

ACTUALLY, IT WASN'T EVEN ANYTHING ANYBODY SAID.

IT WAS A SIGN DIRECTLY FROM THE MAN UPSTAIRS.

REALLY.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT, MR. KYLE.

WHEN I OPENED THE BEDSIDE TABLE DRAWER TO PUT THE WALLET AWAY,

GUESS WHAT I SAW?

THE BIBLE -- SOMEONE LEFT THE BIBLE.

WOW.

NOW, WHAT MORE CLEAR SIGN THAN THAT?

YEAH, BUT THERE'S A BIBLE --

NO, THAT WAS A SIGN.

THERE'S ALWAYS --

NO, IT WAS A SIGN.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU -- IT WAS A SIGN, JAY!

OH! A SIGN!

GOT IT.

WELL, I GUESS I HAVE TO GET GOING.

GOODNIGHT, EVERYBODY.

GOODNIGHT, TONY.

Claire: BYE, TONY.

I'M GONNA GO UP TO MY ROOM.

YEAH, YOU GO UP TO YOUR ROOM.

WE'RE GOING TO TALK IN THE MORNING, YOUNG LADY.

GOODNIGHT.

MICHAEL...WE DODGED A REALLY BIG BULLET THAT TIME.

I KNOW.

[ SIGHS ]

YOU KNOW SHE'S GONNA DO IT EVENTUALLY.

YEAH, I KNOW THAT, TOO.

SO WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

WE'RE GONNA HOPE AND PRAY

THAT EVENTUALLY IS A LONG TIME FROM NOW.

I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT.

WHAT YEAR IS THIS GRAPE JUICE?

IT'S A TUESDAY.

IT'S DREADFUL.

TAKE IT BACK AND FETCH US A NEW ONE.

YES, SIR.

THEN, WILL YOU TAKE OFF THE CURSE, PLEASE?

MAYBE AFTER LUNCH.

WAIT! WHERE ARE THE JELLY BEANS?

COMING RIGHT UP, MILADY.

AND NO GREEN ONES!

HOW LONG ARE WE GONNA KEEP THIS UP?

UNTIL HE FIGURES IT OUT.

THAT COULD BE A LONG TIME.

YEAH.

THERE'S A LOT MORE THAN EVIL IN THAT BIG HEAD.

THERE'S ALSO A LOT OF EMPTY SPACE!

[ GIGGLES ]

DON'T MAKE JOKES ABOUT MY BROTHER.

DON'T YOU TALK BACK TO US, YOUNG LADY,

AFTER YOU BROKE SAMMY'S EYEGLASS GLASS...

[ LAUGHS ]

AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE TALKIN' BACK TO US

AFTER YOU BROKE FAMMY -- FF--

DON'T YOU TALK BACK TO US, YOUNG LADY,

AFTER YOU -- [ LAUGHS ]

YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TALK BACK

AFTER YOU BROKE SAMMY'S FAKE-GLASS EYEGLASS GLASS.

YEAH, YOU LAUGH, YOUNG LADY.

I SAID IT RIGHT!

[ LAUGHTER ]