Original subtitles

MOM?

YEAH, BABY. WHAT'S UP?

YOU'RE GONNA BE UPSET AT ME.

CLAIRE, I JUST CAME FROM YOGA. I'VE BEEN MEDITATING.

I'M FEELING CALM AND SERENE.

NOTHING CAN UPSET ME, SO WHAT IS IT?

YOU KNOW YOUR FAVORITE PINK CASHMERE BLOUSE YOU TOLD ME NEVER TO WEAR?

GIRL, NO, YOU DID NOT -- YOGA! YOGA!

[ INHALES DEEPLY ]

[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]

SO, DID YOU WEAR IT, BABY?

NO.

OH, OKAY.

I WASHED IT.

YOU WHAT?! YOGA! YOGA! YOGA!

[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]

OKAY.

WHY DID YOU DO THAT, BABY?

I WANTED IT TO BE CLEAN WHEN I WORE IT?

[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]

I ACCEPT MY PLACE IN THE UNIVERSE.

I REALIZE THAT THIS JOURNEY THAT WE CALL LIFE

REQUIRES LOVE AND PATIENCE.

[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]

WOW, THAT WAS REALLY BEAUTIFUL, MOM.

THANK YOU. YOU'RE GROUNDED FOR A WEEK!

MOM! TWO WEEKS!

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE JOURNEY?! THREE WEEKS!

BYE.

[ INHALES AND EXHALES DEEPLY ]

THAT FELT GOOD.

HEY, BABY.

HEY, YOU. HOW WAS GOLF?

GLORIOUS.

OH, I WAS OUT THERE.

I FELT LIKE I WAS WALKING THROUGH A PARK KICKING A CAN.

I MEAN, IT WAS THE PERFECT TEMPERATURE.

THE SUN WAS JUST GLISTENING OF MY HEAD

AND MASSAGING IT VERY GENTLY.

THE BREEZE WAS PERFECT.

OH, GOLF IS JUST THE MOST AMAZING GAME.

I'D LIKE TO GO WITH YOU SOMETIME.

YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT.

A LOT OF SNAKES AND BUGS AND YOUR ALLERGIES KICK UP,

AND THEN, YOU KNOW, YOU GOT THE GANGSTERS OUT THERE

SHOOTING EVERYBODY UP AND PURSE-SNATCHING.

IT'S A DANGEROUS GAME.

WILL YOU STOP IT, MICHAEL?

YOU KNOW, TODAY IN YOGA CLASS, I HAD AN EPIPHANY.

DID YOU BRING A CHANGE OF CLOTHES? [ LAUGHS ]

MICHAEL, IT OCCURRED TO ME

THAT I WANT TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH YOU.

EVEN MORE?

YEAH.

WHY DON'T WE GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE A SHOWER?

THAT WAY, IF YOU HAVE ANOTHER EPIPHANY,

IT'LL GO RIGHT DOWN THE DRAIN.

I'M TALKING ABOUT COMMUNICATING AND SHARING.

I THINK THE GOLF COURSE IS A PERFECT PLACE TO DO THAT.

I THINK THE SHOWER'S BETTER.

COME ON, BABY. I WANT TO FIND WAYS TO GET CLOSER TO YOU.

DON'T MENTION THE SHOWER AGAIN.

OKAY. BATHTUB? JACUZZI? SINK?

NO, MICHAEL!

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S MAKE A DEAL.

IF YOU TAKE ME GOLFING, I'LL GO AND TAKE A SHOWER,

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, RIGHT NOW I'M FEELING VERY, VERY, VERY DIRTY.

YOU FEEL DIRTY?

[ CHUCKLES ]

I FEEL DIRTY, TOO.

[ GROWLS ] [ SQUEALS ]

HI.

GO AWAY.

I'M GROUNDED FOR THREE WEEKS.

YOU THINK YOU'VE GOT PROBLEMS?

THERE ARE ONLY TWO COLLEGES THAT I'VE APPLIED TO THAT HAVEN'T REJECTED ME.

YOU'RE APPLYING TO COLLEGE? THAT'S HYSTERICAL.

[ LAUGHING ]

COLLEGE, HUH?

YEAH, YOU KNOW, SINCE VANESSA AND I HAVE BECOME SERIOUS,

AND SHE'S AN "A" STUDENT WHO'S DEFINITELY GOING TO SCHOOL,

I HAVE TO GET MY ACT TOGETHER IF I WANT TO BE WITH HER.

DO MOM AND DAD KNOW ABOUT THIS?

NO, AND I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

THEY'D JUST NAG ME TO DEATH.

"JUNIOR, YOU SHOULD TAKE THE S.A.T.s."

"JUNIOR, YOU SHOULD FILL OUT YOUR APPLICATION."

"JUNIOR, YOU SHOULDN'T FORGE YOUR RECOMMENDATION LETTERS."

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

YOU FORGED YOUR RECOMMENDATION LETTERS?

WHO'S GONNA CHECK WITH DONALD RUMSFELD?

SO, WHAT SCHOOLS ARE YOU DOWN TO?

WELL, THERE'S HAMBURGER UNIVERSITY IN ILLINOIS.

HAMBURGER UNIVERSITY? WHAT'S THAT?

IT'S FAST-FOOD SCHOOL.

SO WHEN YOU GET YOUR DEGREE, DO THEY GIVE YOU FRIES WITH IT?

[ LAUGHING ]

FAST FOOD, HUH? HMM.

UH, SO WHAT'S THE OTHER ONE?

WELL, THE OTHER ONE LOOKS LIKE A GREAT SCHOOL.

IT'S ON THE TOP FLOOR OF AN OFFICE BUILDING IN TAMPA, FLORIDA.

WHAT'S IT CALLED?

HAMMERHEAD TECH UNIVERSITY.

OH, SOUNDS LIKE A PERFECT PICK FOR YOU.

YEAH, WELL, THE ONLY PROBLEM IS I HAVE TO WRITE AN ESSAY

ON WHY I WANT TO GO THERE, AND I'M HAVING TROUBLE WITH IT.

OH, WELL, I CAN'T HELP YOU. I'M LOUSY AT ESSAYS.

WHAT YOU NEED IS SOMEONE SMART, SOMEBODY CREATIVE.

YEAH, BUT I DON'T KNOW ANYBODY LIKE THAT.

[ CLASSICAL PIANO MUSIC PLAYING ]

ISN'T HE GREAT?

HE SURE IS. FRANKLIN, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?

NO!

WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF HER LESSON.

OH, THIS WILL JUST TAKE A MINUTE, FRANKLIN.

AND IN THE MEANTIME, YOU CAN COME WITH ME

AND I'LL LET YOU PUT ON MY MAKEUP.

OKAY.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

I'LL BE COUNTING THE SECONDS, MY DOVE.

SO, FRA--

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

WELL, THAT'S KIND OF A HOSTILE ATTITUDE.

HEY, I WAS JUST SITTING HERE

WITH GOD'S GREATEST GIFT TO MANKIND,

AND NOW I'M STUCK WITH HIS BIGGEST JOKE.

SO MAKE IT QUICK.

OKAY.

UM...

LOOK, I NEED SOME HELP WRITING A COLLEGE ESSAY.

NO PROBLEM.

I WROTE A LOT OF THOSE WHEN I WAS APPLYING TO COLLEGE.

YOU ALREADY APPLIED TO COLLEGE?

DUH!

I GRADUATED FROM AN IVY LEAGUE SCHOOL TWO YEARS AGO.

HOW?

THROUGH THE INTERNET.

WHAT DID YOU STUDY?

OH, MARINE ARCHAEOLOGY, QUANTUM PHYSICS, BIOCHEMISTRY --

YOU KNOW, JUST THE BASICS.

YEAH, DID YOU TAKE ANY FUN COURSES?

HELLO! DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME SAY "QUANTUM PHYSICS"?

COME ON.

LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH SO I CAN GET BACK TO KADY.

ALL RIGHT.

HEY, DO YOU THINK MAYBE I CAN GET INTO AN IVY LEAGUE SCHOOL?

UH, NO.

HEY, YO. WHAT'S UP, MIKE?

I DIDN'T EXPECT TO SEE YOU HERE TODAY. WHO YOU PLAYING WITH?

OH, LORD. HOW'D THIS HAPPEN?

SHE SAYS SHE WANTS TO SPEND QUALITY TIME.

OH, NO! QUALITY TIME! THAT'S THE KISS OF DEATH!

TELL ME ABOUT IT.

QUICK, WHILE SHE'S NOT LOOKING,

HIT ME IN THE HEAD SO I CAN GO HOME.

[ LAUGHS ]

HEY, MAXIE!

HEY!

E-ENJOY YOUR GAME, BRO.

YEAH.

[ CLANGING ]

COME ON!

HIT THAT BALL, BABY!

WHOO! THAT'S OKAY. THAT'S OKAY.

IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED, TRY, TRY AGAIN.

HONEY? YES?

WHEN I'M ABOUT TO HIT THE BALL,

WHEN YOU CHEER LIKE THAT, IT THROWS ME OFF, OKAY, SNOOKUM?

OH, OKAY. I'M SORRY. I'LL BE QUIET AS A MOUSE.

THANK YOU, BABY.

OKAY, BABY. QUIET AS A MOUSE.

YOU LOOK CUTE OVER THERE.

THANK YOU. [ GIGGLES ]

[ RATTLING ]

SQUEAK!

[ LAUGHS ]

I SAID "QUIET AS A MOUSE," THEN I SAID "SQUEAK."

WASN'T THAT CUTE?

[ LAUGHS ] QUIET!

[ EXAGGERATED LAUGHING ]

HMM.

YOU DA MAN! WHOO!

BABE! LET ME SEE! [ GASPS ]

TOUCHDOWN!

YEAH! RIGHT IN THE SAND!

BABE, YOU WANT A HAMBURGER?

NO. I DON'T WANT A HAMBURGER.

I GOT HOT DOGS.

I DON'T WANT A HOT DOG, A TURKEY SANDWICH, A KNACKWURST.

I JUST WANT TO PLAY GOLF, OKAY? WE'LL EAT AFTERWARDS.

OKAY.

MICHAEL KYLE APPROACHES THE BALL.

IF HE GETS THIS ONE IN THE BASKET,

HE'LL WIN THE WORLD SERIES OF GOLF.

ARE YOU DONE, JIMMY KIMMEL?

YEAH, IT WAS FUN, THOUGH.

[ CLANGING ]

NO, IT'S STILL THERE. SEE, IT'S RIGHT THERE.

NO KIDDING.

YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT? I KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS.

I THINK YOUR HANDS AREN'T GETTING HIGH ENOUGH

IN YOUR BACKSWING.

SO YOU SHOULD TRY TO DO IT LIKE TIGER WOODS WOULD DO IT.

OH, JUST HIT THE BALL

LIKE THE GREATEST GOLFER IN THE WORLD, HUH?

YEAH, WELL, YOU'RE ALREADY DOING IT LIKE THE WORST.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ LAUGHS ]

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING ]

THAT'S IT! THAT'S IT. WHAT?

IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG?

"IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG?" SHE SAYS.

IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG?

YES, THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG.

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S WRONG, JAY?

EVERYTHING'S WRONG!

BUT I THOUGHT WE WERE HAVING FUN!

NO, YOU'RE HAVING FUN.

THIS IS THE WORST ROUND OF GOLF I'VE EVER PLAYED.

MAYBE YOU NEED TO TAKE SOME LESSONS.

JAY, THIS IS NOT HOW THE GAME OF GOLF IS PLAYED.

HIBACHIS AND UMBRELLAS AND HAMBURGERS.

SPECTATORS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE QUIET.

THAT'S NO FUN.

IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE FUN FOR THE PEOPLE WHO ARE WATCHING.

IF YOU WANT TO HAVE FUN, YOU GOT TO PLAY THE GAME.

REALLY?

REALLY!

OKAY, THEN COUNT ME IN!

WHAT?

I WOULD LOVE TO PLAY!

THANKS. I'VE BEEN WANTING TO DO THIS ALL DAY.

NO, NO, YOU DON'T JUST WALK ON A GOLF COURSE

AND START PLAYING THE GAME OF GOLF.

IT TAKES YEARS OF PREPARATION AND HONING YOUR SKILLS.

GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!

[ SHRIEKING ]

I'M A NATURAL! DID YOU SEE THAT?!

TOUCHDOWN! WHOO! YEAH, BOY!

DID YOU SEE THAT?!

AAAAAHH!

AAAAAAHH!

AAAAAAAAHHH!

17 OVER. [ SIGHS ]

SO, WHERE IS SHE NOW?

SHE'S OUT BUYING HERSELF A SET OF GOLF CLUBS.

THIS IS TURNING INTO A NIGHTMARE, MAX.

I MADE THE MISTAKE OF TEACHING MY WIFE HOW TO PLAY GOLF.

AND WHAT HAPPENED?

WHEN WE GOT DIVORCED,

SHE TOOK MY HOUSE, MY CAR, MY CLUBS, AND MY BALLS.

WHAT IS IT WITH WOMEN, MAN?

I LOVE MY WIFE, BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE AROUND HER ALL THE TIME.

WHY CAN'T SHE UNDERSTAND THAT?

THAT'S BECAUSE A WOMAN'S DEFINITION OF TOGETHERNESS

IS DIFFERENT THAN OURS.

TELL ME ABOUT IT.

SO WHAT YOU GONNA DO NOW?

EITHER SHE'S GONNA QUIT GOLF, OR I'M GONNA QUIT GOLF.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE HER TO A CLIFF AND JUST PUSH HER OFF?

YEAH. I COULD TELL HER, "BABY, I GOT A DIAMOND.

"COME ON. UP HERE.

LOOK AT THE DIAMOND."

WHOOPS.

MIKE, MIKE. I'M KIDDING. OH.

WHY DON'T YOU TELL HER, "I'D RATHER NOT PLAY GOLF WITH YOU"?

OH, YOU MEAN TELL HER THE TRUTH?

YEAH, THE TRUTH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO, THAT WON'T WORK.

IT WOULD BREAK HER HEART, MAN.

NAH, MAX, I GOT TO FIND SOMETHING

FAR MORE CLEVER THAN THE TRUTH.

THE KEY TO WRITING A GOOD COLLEGE ESSAY

IS TO JUST BE YOURSELF.

I'VE TRIED 20 DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF BEING MYSELF,

BUT THEY ALL SEEM PHONY.

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE INSINCERE.

THERE'S A VERY SHALLOW QUALITY TO YOU, JUNIOR.

THANK YOU.

HEY, SHOULD I WRITE THAT?

NO. THAT WAS AN INSULT.

OH.

OH.

YOU HAVE TO WRITE ABOUT WHAT YOU REALLY FEEL.

GO ON, TALK TO ME, GURU. COME ON.

YOU'RE BEING INSINCERE AGAIN.

OH.

YOU HAVE TO WRITE WITH PASSION.

YOU HAVE TO TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU REALLY LOVE,

WHAT INSPIRES YOU.

BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

THINK ABOUT IT, MY GOOD MAN.

YOU DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO COLLEGE,

BUT NOW SUDDENLY YOU DO.

WHAT MOTIVATED THAT CHANGE OF HEART?

OMM. OMM. OMM. OMM.

Psst!

[ WHISTLES LOUDLY ]

CUCKOO! CUCKOO!

CUCKOO!

HEY!

LOOK, I'M HERE, BABY.

all: SHH!

Y'ALL SOUND LIKE A BAG OF SNAKES.

I BET YOU NEVER HEARD THAT BEFORE.

MICHAEL! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I CAME TO SPEND SOME TOGETHER TIME WITH YOU.

HERE, LET ME CLOSE THE DOOR.

[ SLAMS ]

SIR, ARE YOU HERE FOR THE KUNDALINI YOGA CLASS?

NO, I CAME HERE TO POP LOCK. [ LAUGHS ]

BUT IF KUNDALINI'S ALL YOU GOT, THEN CALL ME "KUNDA KINTE."

WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A YOGA MEDITATION.

SO IF YOU COULD JUST PLEASE -- SHH -- BE QUIET.

I'LL JUST BE OVER HERE WITH MY WIFE.

OKAY, THAT'S FINE. HERE, GO TAKE A SEAT.

UH-HUH.

CLOSE YOUR EYES... AND YOUR MOUTH.

ALL RIGHT.

AND TRY TO BECOME ONE WITH THE UNIVERSE.

MY MAN, COULD YOU SCOOT OVER A LITTLE BIT?

I WANT TO BE NEXT TO MY WIFE SO WE CAN MEDITATE.

AHH! OKAY.

MICHAEL, WILL YOU SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP?!

I'M SITTING DOWN. HOLD ON, LET ME KICK MY SHOES OFF.

LET'S ALL CLOSE OUR EYES...

HUH.

AND FOCUS INWARDLY.

CLOSING YOUR EYES -- AND DON'T NOBODY TAKE MY WALLET.

[ LAUGHS ]

ALL RIGHT, CLOSING MY EYES, LOOKING INWARD.

WOW, THIS IS NICE. I NEVER KNEW THAT SIDE OF ME WAS --

HEY, WHO THIS OVER HERE?

AND THEN THIS OTHER SIDE --

SHUSH! WILL YOU SHUT UP?

I'M SORRY, BABY. I WAS JUST RELAXING.

I WANTED TO SHARE THAT -- I'M SORRY. OKAY.

WE WILL NOW BEGIN THE "OM" MANTRA.

OMMM. OMMM. OMMM. OMMM.

EEEE-OHHH. OMMM. OMMM.

OH-OMMMM. OMMM. OMMM.

OH-EEE-OMMM.

WHOA-OMM.

MICHAEL!

OH-EEE-OMMM.

WHOA-OMM.

WHOA-OMM.

WHOA-- OKAY!

OKAY. OKAY.

OMMM. OMMM. OMMM. OMMM.

OH, NO, YOU DIDN'T. OH, THAT'S MY SONG.

ANSWER THE PHONE. OH, THAT'S THE PH--

ANSWER THE PHONE.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS MY PHONE.

HURRY UP!

YEAH, HELLO? WHAT'S UP MAN?

[ ALL COMPLAINING ]

GET OFF THE PHONE, MICHAEL! RIGHT NOW!

CHUCK SAID SAY "WHAT'S UP?" SHE SAID "HI," CHUCK.

[ ALL COMPLAINING ]

SHH! SHH! HEY! Y'ALL ARE RUDE!

I THOUGHT Y'ALL WAS A PEACEFUL PEOPLE.

YEAH, MAN, LOOK, I'M GONNA HAVE TO GET BACK AT YOU.

ALL RIGHT? YEAH, I'M WITH SOME RUDE-ASS YOGIES.

ALL RIGHT. HOLLA BACK. YUP!

ALL RIGHT. WHERE WERE WE? WHERE WERE WE?

WE WERE RUINING THE YOGA CLASS.

NO, BABY, WE WAS LOOKING INWARD.

NOW LET US ASSUME THE REVERSE-EGG POSITION.

OKAY.

MMM. I'M AN EGG. I'M AN EGG.

I'M AN EGG.

A BROWN EGG I AM.

I'M A DODO EGG.

A NICE LITTLE EGG.

I FEEL RELAXED AND -- UH-OH.

WHAT?

I THINK I'M A ROTTEN EGG.

[ GASPS ]

"THE ILIAD," BY HOMER.

I LOVE HOMER! HE'S MY FAVORITE!

CHAPTER ONE --

"SING, O GODDESS, THE ANGER OF ACHILLES, SON OF PELEUS."

WAIT A MINUTE. THAT DOES NOT SOUND LIKE HOMER SIMPSON.

D'OH!

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU'RE SO DELIGHTFUL.

OH, THERE HE IS! COME HERE, MY LITTLE GUY!

YOU ARE A GENIUS!

OH, MAN! YOU ARE BRILLIANT!

WHAT DID I DO?

YOU DID THE IMPOSSIBLE.

YOU INSPIRED ME TO COMPLETE MY ESSAY.

OH, MY GOD! THAT'S INCREDIBLE!

YOU FINISHED IT?

YEAH, BUT THE ONLY THING IS

I'M NOT SURE IF IT'S ANY GOOD OR NOT.

WHY DON'T YOU READ IT TO US?

ALL RIGHT, BUT I WANT HONEST REACTIONS.

"DEAR SIRS...

"YOU ASKED ME WHY I FEEL I SHOULD BE ADMITTED TO HAMMERHEAD TECH.

"IF GRADES WERE WHAT MATTERED,

"THEN I DON'T DESERVE TO BE ACCEPTED.

"IF TEST SCORES WERE WHAT MATTERED,

"I DON'T DESERVE TO BE ADMITTED.

"IF BEING ON TIME, OR EVEN BEING PRESENT, MATTERED,

"THEN I CERTAINLY WOULDN'T BE HAMMERHEAD MATERIAL.

"MY GRADES AND SCORES ARE LOW

"BECAUSE I NEVER TOOK EDUCATION OR LIFE SERIOUSLY.

"BUT ALL THAT HAS CHANGED RECENTLY

"BECAUSE I HAVE FALLEN IN LOVE.

"AND LOVE HAS OPENED MY EYES TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES IN LIFE.

"I SEE NOW WHERE I HAVE FAILED,

"AND I ASK YOU TO GIVE ME A CHANCE TO REDEEM MYSELF,

"FOR ME AND FOR MY FUTURE BRIDE, VANESSA.

"IF YOU ACCEPT ME,

"I PROMISE TO BECOME A PROUD ALUMNI

"OF THE GREATEST COLLEGE IN AMERICA,

"HAMMERHEAD TECH UNIVERSITY.

"FROM A MAN DEEPLY CHANGED BY LOVE,

I REMAIN YOURS TRULY, MICHAEL KYLE JR."

IT'S THAT BAD, HUH?

[ Crying ] ASIDE FROM A FEW SYNTAX ERRORS...

IT'S PERFECT.

[ SNIFFLES ] IT'S BEAUTIFUL!

THANK YOU.

HI, MOM. HOW WAS YOGA CLASS?

SHUT UP.

NOT GOOD, HUH? WHAT HAPPENED?

[ Singsong voice ] I'M HOM-M-M-M-E!

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

ARE YOU TWO FIGHTING?

NO, NOT YET, BUT WE'RE ABOUT TO.

GOODBYE.

OKAY, MICHAEL, EXPLAIN YOURSELF. WHY DID YOU DO THAT?

WHY DID YOU RUIN THE ONE THING --

THE ONE THING THAT BRINGS ME PEACE?

I'M GLAD YOU ASKED, HONEY.

YOU SEE, THE OTHER DAY WHEN WE WENT GOLFING TOGETHER

AND YOU SEEMED TO HAVE SO MUCH FUN OUT THERE,

I DECIDED I WANT TO SPEND SOME QUALITY TIME WITH YOU.

ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME THAT THIS WAS ONE OF YOUR LITTLE STUNTS,

ONE OF THE THINGS YOU PULL ON THE KIDS,

ONE OF YOUR LITTLE MICHAEL KYLE SIGNATURE MOMENTS?

YES.

SEE, I WANTED YOU TO FEEL AS UNCOMFORTABLE AS I FELT

WHEN WE WERE HANGING OUT TOGETHER.

AND INSTEAD OF JUST TELLING ME THAT,

YOU HAD TO RUIN MY ENTIRE YOGA CLASS?

WAS THAT WRONG?

OH, I THINK IT'S WRONG WHEN YOU TREAT YOUR WIFE LIKE A CHILD,

WHEN YOU ASSUME I DON'T HAVE THE INTELLIGENCE

TO UNDERSTAND YOUR DESIRE TO BE ALONE.

SO YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU GOT IT.

YOU WANT TO BE ALONE? YOU'RE ALONE.

CAN I SAY ONE THING?

WHAT?!

YOU'RE LOOKING REALLY THIN.

YOU'RE PATHETIC.

OMMMMMMMMM.

UMMM, ARE YOU BUSYYYY?

UMMMM, GO AWAYYYYYY.

UMMM, I JUST CAME IN TO APOLOGIZE FOR BEING A JERK.

UMMMM, I DON'T GIVE A DAM-M-M-M-N.

UMMM, I JUST MADE RESERVATIONS AT YOUR FAVORITE RESTAURAN-N-T.

DO YOU THINK I'M THAT EASYYYYY?

UMMM, YES, I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT YOU AR-R-E.

MICHAEL, HERE'S THE THING THAT HURT ME.

I WANTED TO BE WITH YOU OUT OF LOVE.

YOU WANTED TO BE WITH ME OUT OF SPITE.

[ SIGHS ] YOU'RE RIGHT.

AND I'M SORRY. I APOLOGIZE.

YOU DIDN'T TREAT ME LIKE I WAS YOUR PARTNER.

YOU TREATED ME LIKE I WAS ONE OF YOUR KIDS.

I WAS WRONG, JAY.

I'M SORRY.

BUT LISTEN, THE GOLF COURSE -- THAT'S MY PLACE TO GET AWAY.

GET AWAY FROM ME?

YES, AMONG OTHER THINGS -- YOU, THE KIDS, WORK,

THE STRESSES AND STRAINS OF LIFE, YOU, THE BILLS.

HEY! YOU SAID "YOU" TWICE.

I WAS ABOUT TO SAY "YOU" AGAIN, BUT YOU INTERRUPTED ME.

SO ARE YOU SAYING

THAT YOU DON'T LIKE SPENDING TIME WITH ME?

NO, BABY, I LOVE SPENDING TIME WITH YOU,

BUT NOT ALL THE TIME.

SEE, WE HAVE A GREAT MARRIAGE

BECAUSE WE GIVE EACH OTHER SPACE.

YEAH, BUT, MICHAEL,

I REALLY DID ENJOY SPENDING TIME WITH YOU ON THE GOLF COURSE.

I KNOW, BABY, AND WE WILL PLAY GOLF TOGETHER AGAIN.

MINIATURE GOLF.

BUT REAL GOLF -- I WANT TO PLAY THAT BY MYSELF.

NOT BECAUSE I DON'T LOVE YOU, BUT BECAUSE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

THAT SOMETIMES I JUST NEED TO GET THE HELL AWAY FROM YOU.

I UNDERSTAND THAT 'CAUSE SOMETIMES I JUST NEED TO GET THE HELL AWAY FROM YOU, TOO.

BUT I WISH YOU WOULD'VE JUST TOLD ME THAT.

I DIDN'T WANT TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS.

AND I DID, AND I'M REALLY SORRY.

YOU FORGIVE ME?

I GUESS SO.

YOU SURE?

[ SIGHS ]

NO. NOT YET.

ANYTHING I CAN SAY?

YEAH.

DO I REALLY LOOK THIN...NER?

MMMM, IN ALL THE RIGHT PLACES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MMMM, THANK YOU.

WHAT ARE WE LOOKING FOR, FRANKLIN?

YOUR COMMON SENSE.

IT'S RIGHT THERE.