Original subtitles

LAST TIME ON "MY WIFE AND KIDS"...

EVERYBODY, THIS IS VANESSA SCOTT.

VANESSA, THAT'S MY MOM AND DAD, AND THAT'S MY SISTER CLAIRE.

HI. IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.

PLEASED TO MEET YOU.

WE HEARD A LOT ABOUT YOU, VANESSA.

OH, YOU'RE JUST AS BEAUTIFUL AS JUNIOR SAID YOU WERE, MRS. KYLE.

DON'T CALL ME MRS. KYLE. CALL ME JAY.

OKAY, JAY.

DID YOU HEAR HOW THE LITTLE HEIFER CALLED ME JAY?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, MICHAEL, BUT I'M TELLING YOU --

MNH-MNH!

MNH-MNH, THAT ONE GOT AN AGENDA RIGHT THERE. UNH-UNH!

GOOD NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT.

DON'T WAIT UP.

YOU GUYS ENJOY YOURSELVES, AND DON'T DO ANYTHING I WOULDN'T DO.

[ GASPS ]

DADDY! MOMMY!

I-IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON AND GET DOWNSTAIRS.

WAIT A SECOND. JAY, I CAN EXPLAIN.

UNH-UNH! DON'T CALL ME JAY. THAT'S MRS. KYLE TO YOU.

PUT SOME CLOTHES ON AND GET OUT OF MY BED, LITTLE HUSSY.

DON'T CALL HER A HUSSY.

WHAT WOULD YOU PREFER, SON?

FLOOZIE, SLUT, TRAMP, JEZEBEL, UH, UM, UM, UM...

BELLY WARMER. BELLY WARMER.

STREET WALKER. SKANK.

W-WE'LL STICK WITH HUSSY.

JUST PUT SOME CLOTHES ON AND GET THE HELL OUT OF MY BED!

OH, THE BOY'S GONNA PAY.

YEAH, YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT HE IS.

HE'S GONNA REGRET THE DAY HE WAS BORN.

AMEN TO THAT.

IF WE LET HIM GET AWAY WITH THIS,

WE DONE LOST ALL CONTROL!

ALL CONTROL, JAY. THIS IS MUTINY ON THE BOUNTY.

THE BOY'S BENEDICT ARNOLD.

IT'S POPEYE AND BRUTUS ALL OVER AGAIN.

WHAT, WHAT, WHAT? WHAT?

YOU REMEMBER HOW BRUTUS USED TO ALWAYS DISRESPECT POPEYE?

WHAT?

THE POINT IS HE TOTALLY DISRESPECTED US.

TOTALLY! MAN.

I GAVE THE BOY STRIKE ONE, STRIKE TWO, STRIKE THREE.

HE WENT THROUGH IT LIKE THAT.

THIS IS A NUCLEAR STRIKE, MICHAEL -- KABOOM!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

HOW WE GONNA PUNISH HIM?

WE GOT TO THROW HIM OUT.

WHAT? UNH-UNH, NOT MY BABY.

A BABY WOULDN'T DO WHAT HE JUST DID.

MICHAEL, WHERE DO YOU THINK HE'S GONNA SLEEP?!

HE CAN TAKE THE BED. I'LL NEVER SLEEP IN THAT AGAIN.

MICHAEL, WAIT!

WAIT!

YOU CAN'T JUST DO THIS.

WHAT HAPPENED TO MISS "KABOOM!"?

SHE DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE THINKING ABOUT SOMETHING CRAZY.

WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST I DO?

I DON'T KNOW. BUT KICKING HIM OUT IS TOO DRASTIC.

JAY, THE BOY JUST BLATANTLY DISRESPECTED

THE SANCTITY OF OUR INNER SANCTUM.

HE'S SPRAYING TURF.

THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE ALPHA MALE IN THE PACK.

THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE BULL WALRUS ON THE BEACH.

THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE TOP DOG

WHO PEES ON THE FURNITURE IN THE HOUSE.

AND THAT'S ME, JAY.

I'M THE PISSER AROUND HERE.

I UNDERSTAND THAT, MICHAEL, BUT HE IS STILL MY SON.

THAT'S MY BABY, AND I AM NOT GONNA THROW HIM OUT.

I REFUSE.

I'LL DO THE HONORS.

NO, MICHAEL!

MRS. KYLE, I WANT TO EXPLAIN TO YOU --

NO, NO, NO, YOU CAN'T TELL ME ANYTHING, LITTLE GIRL.

DON'T TALK. DON'T SPEAK. DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT.

JUST TAKE YOUR LITTLE SORRY BEHIND OUT THIS HOUSE.

YOU CAN'T TALK TO HER LIKE THAT.

ONE MORE WORD OUT OF YOU -- YOU'LL BE PICKING UP TEETH.

[ SIGHS ] I'LL CALL YOU LATER.

OKAY.

AWWW, LOOK HOW... STUPID HE IS.

[ SCOFFS ] ALL RIGHT, SO WHAT'S IT GONNA BE?

WELL, YOU KNOW, SON, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY,

SO I'LL JUST JUMP RIGHT TO THE END.

GET OUT.

FINE. I'LL BE IN MY ROOM.

WHEN I SAY OUT, I DON'T MEAN OUT OF MY SIGHT.

I MEAN OUT OF MY HOUSE.

Jay: MICHAEL!

NOW'S NOT THE TIME TO DISCUSS THIS. BUT, MICHAEL --

NOT IN FRONT OF THE DELINQUENT.

MICHAEL!

SILENCE, WOMAN.

YOU, OUT OF MY HOUSE.

IF YOU DON'T WANT ME IN THE HOUSE, I'LL LEAVE.

I'LL GO GET MY CLOTHES.

YOU DON'T HAVE CLOTHES. EVERYTHING YOU OWN IS MINE.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, TAKE THEM PANTS OFF.

NO, MICHAEL! NO!

OUT OF DEFERENCE TO YOUR MOTHER,

YOU CAN KEEP THE PANTS,

BUT THE REST OF YOU GOT TO GO.

FINE.

YOU KNOW WHAT -- I KNOW WHAT JUNIOR DID WAS WRONG,

BUT TWO WRONGS DO NOT MAKE A RIGHT!

YEAH, AND ONE UP DON'T MAKE A DOWN,

AND TWO INS DON'T MAKE AN OUT,

BUT TWO DOS DO MAKE A DO-DO, AND THAT'S WHAT DUM-DUM DID,

SO HE GOT TO GET OUT.

JU-- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

OH, HE WANTS ME OUT, I'LL GET OUT.

I'M GONNA GO TO VANESSA'S. SHE'S GONNA HOP IN THE CAR.

AND WE'RE GONNA DRIVE ALL NIGHT.

WE'RE GONNA DRIVE UNTIL THE WHEELS FALL OFF AND BURN.

WE'RE GONNA DRIVE UNTIL THE SEAT COVERS FADE.

WE'RE GONNA GO TO KEY WEST TO LIVE ON THE BEACH,

EAT FISH, AND MAKE LOVE.

AND NOTHING, NOTHING IS GONNA STOP US.

[ GRUNTS ] OH, MAN, I FORGOT --

I TOOK THE ENGINE OUT.

[ Sobbing ] I GOT NO PLACE ELSE TO GO!

JUNIOR...

I THINK IT'S QUITE OBVIOUS THAT I DON'T AGREE WITH YOUR FATHER.

OF COURSE NOT, BECAUSE HE'S A PSYCHOPATH.

HE'S OVERREACTING.

VANESSA AND I JUST GOT CARRIED AWAY.

YOU'VE GOT TO FORGIVE ME. I DIDN'T MEAN TO --

TO WHAT? GET CAUGHT.

YEAH.

WELL, I KNOW THAT, JUNIOR.

AND THE ONLY REASON THAT I'M NOT AGREEING WITH YOUR FATHER

ABOUT THIS PUNISHMENT

IS BECAUSE I KNOW THAT LITTLE SHE-DEVIL SEDUCED YOU.

SHE'S NOT A SHE-DEVIL.

SHE'S THE GREATEST GIRL IN THE WORLD.

SHE REMINDS ME OF YOU.

YOU BETTER TAKE THAT BACK.

I CAN'T. I LOVE HER, AND I WANT TO BE WITH HER.

I KNOW IT WAS WRONG TO BE IN YOUR ROOM,

BUT IT DIDN'T FEEL WRONG AT THE TIME.

WELL, THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS, SON, IT WAS WRONG.

AND I ADMIT TO THAT, BUT THAT'S NOT GONNA BE ENOUGH FOR DAD.

NO, IT'S NOT.

PLEASE HELP ME, MOMMY.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO IF HE DOESN'T LET ME BACK IN?

I'LL DIE OUT HERE.

I'LL SET UP A TENT IN THE BACKYARD,

GET YOU SOME BLANKETS.

AND TOMORROW, WHEN YOUR FATHER HAS CALMED DOWN,

WE'LL TRY TO STRAIGHTEN EVERYTHING OUT, OKAY?

[ SIGHS ] THANKS, MOM.

YOU'RE THE GREATEST.

I JUST HAD A TALK WITH OUR SON.

I HOPE HE'S NOT IN THE GARAGE,

BECAUSE TECHNICALLY, THAT'S STILL A PART OF THIS HOUSE.

NO, HE IS NOT IN THE GARAGE.

GOOD.

I SET UP A TENT FOR HIM IN THE BACKYARD.

YOU DID THAT WITHOUT ASKING ME?

YOU THREW HIM OUT WITHOUT ASKING ME.

JAY, THAT'S WHY THE BOY'S SO SIMPLEMINDED,

BECAUSE YOU CODDLE HIM

AND "SISSIFY" HIM WITH ALL THE MOTHERLY LOVE.

WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SUPPORT ME.

WHY DON'T YOU PLAY ON MY TEAM.

I'M THE COACH.

I'M TRYING TO TAKE THAT FOOL TO THE SUPER BOWL OF LIFE.

WELL, YOU DID A GREAT JOB, COACH,

'CAUSE HE CERTAINLY SCORED TONIGHT.

HA HA HA HA HA!

LISTEN, JAY, WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO --

TURN MY HEAD, PRETEND IT DIDN'T HAPPEN?

I'M NOT GONNA ARGUE WITH YOU ABOUT THIS.

BUT UNTIL WE RESOLVE THIS ISSUE,

YOU AND I ARE GOING TO HAVE SOME ISSUES.

FINE. FINE. FINE.

FI-I-I-I-I-NE.

AND THAT MEANS, MICHAEL...

IF YOU'RE THROWING HIM OUT OF HIS ROOM,

I'M THROWING YOU OUT OF OURS.

NO PROBLEM, JAY.

THERE JUST HAPPENS TO BE A VACANCY DOWN THE HALL.

THERE MIGHT EVEN BE A VACANCY OUT THERE ON THAT YARD.

DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT SAYING HE CAN'T SLEEP IN THAT TENT,

BECAUSE IF I RECALL CORRECTLY, I BOUGHT THAT TENT.

THAT'S MY TENT, AND IF I WANT MY SON TO SLEEP IN THE TENT,

THEN BY GOD, MY SON'S GONNA SLEEP IN THE TENT.

THIS IS WEIRD.

WHAT'S WEIRD?

NO JUNIOR.

YEAH, IT IS WEIRD.

I DON'T EVEN LIKE HIM, AND I MISS HIM.

Michael: HEAR YE! HEAR YE! HEAR YE!

I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE --

THE CHILD FORMERLY KNOWN AS JUNIOR DOES NOT EXIST ANYMORE.

HE HAS BEEN ELIMINATED FROM THE TEAM.

AND THAT SHOULD BE A LESSON TO ALL OF YOU.

NO ONE IS INDISPENSABLE.

EVEN ME?

ESPECIALLY YOU.

[ SIGHS ]

BUT IF YOU STAY IN LINE, I'LL EMBRACE YOU.

YOU'LL ALWAYS HAVE A ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD,

WARM FOOD IN YOUR TUMMY,

AND A PAT ON YOUR HEAD EVERY NOW AND AGAIN.

YOU FEEL THAT?

THAT'S THE LOVE FOR AN OBEDIENT CHILD.

YOU SEE THIS?

THAT'S THE EMPTINESS OF DISOBEDIENCE.

AND IT ALL COMES DOWN TO THIS --

DON'T EVER HAVE SEX.

WHAT'S SEX?

VERY GOOD. YOU KEEP IT THAT WAY.

AS FOR JUNIOR,

I WANT YOU TO ERASE HIM FROM YOUR MEMORY BANKS.

HE'S LIKE -- LET'S SAY --

A FAIRY TALE CHARACTER THAT NEVER REALLY EXISTED.

LIKE TINKERBELL?

EXACTLY.

MAYBE IF WE CLAP OUR HANDS, HE WILL COME BACK.

[ GASPS ] MAYBE. LET'S TRY IT, SHALL WE?

NOPE.

YOU CAN CLAP YOUR HANDS. YOU CAN STOMP YOUR FEET.

YOU CAN SAY BEETLEJUICE THREE TIMES

WHILE RUBBING EVERY LAMP IN THIS HOUSE

SAYING, "ALAKAZOO, ALAKAZAM,"

BUT JUNIOR...

AIN'T COMING BACK HERE AGAIN.

MAY I HAVE A PANCAKE, PLEASE?

MAYBE IF I CLAP MY HANDS, ONE WILL APPEAR.

LET'S SEE, SHALL WE?

NOPE.

OKAY, SO IT'S LIKE THAT, HUH?

IT'S LIKE THAT. I DECIDE WHO GETS MY PANCAKES.

FINE. I DON'T WANT YOUR PANCAKES, ANYWAY.

THEY ALWAYS TOO "PANCAKEY."

LOOK, I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH JUNIOR NOT EXISTING.

I'M JUST WONDERING

WHY IT HASN'T RESULTED IN MORE ATTENTION FOR ME.

YOU NEED MORE ATTENTION?

COME SIT NEXT TO YOUR DEAR OL' DAD.

THERE, THERE.

DOES THAT CURE THE NEED FOR MORE ATTENTION?

THANKS, DAD.

YOU'RE WELCOME, CHILD.

BUT, UM, HOW ABOUT THE FACT THAT I HAVE TO TAKE THE PSAT's TODAY

WHILE LOOKING LIKE THE BEFORE PICTURE IN AN ACNE COMMERCIAL?

IT'S THESE STUPID HIVES.

CLAIRE, BY 12:00 NOON, YOU'LL BE FINISHED WITH THE TEST,

YOUR FACE WILL CLEAR UP,

AND EVERYTHING WILL GO BACK TO BEING RIGHT IN THE WORLD.

WILL JUNIOR BE BACK?

COME AGAIN. WHO? I DIDN'T --

UM, UM, UM, NOTHING.

VERY GOOD.

KEEP IT THAT WAY.

OKAY...

WELL, I'M GONNA GO AND TAKE THIS TEST.

IS IT OKAY IF I SAY HELLO TO MR. NOBODY BEFORE I LEAVE?

IT'S PERFECTLY FINE FOR YOU TO SAY HELLO TO NOBODY WHO EXISTS,

AS LONG AS NOBODY DON'T EXIST IN THIS HOUSE.

OKAY. COME ON, KADY.

BYE, MOM. BYE, DAD.

BYE, SWEETNESS.

BOY, I SURE LOVE MY TWO CHILDREN.

I SURE HOPE ONE DAY WE HAVE A SON.

HOW LONG WE GONNA KEEP UP THIS LITTLE GAME, MICHAEL?

I DON'T KNOW. HOW LONG WE GONNA KEEP UP THE GAME?

JUST UNTIL OUR SON IS BACK UNDER OUR ROOF.

GET OFF MY PANCAKE!

[ SIGHS LOUDLY ]

[ FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING ]

NEED SOME HELP?

[ SHUDDERS ]

FRANKLIN, YOU STARTLED ME.

HOW'D YOU GET IN THE HOUSE? THE DOGGY DOOR.

THE DOGGY DOOR -- I GOT TO NAIL THAT THING SHUT.

WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A DOG ANYMORE.

WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?

HE RAN AWAY THROUGH THE DOGGY DOOR.

BUMMER.

BUMMER -- YEAH, THAT WAS HIS NAME.

AND NOW HE'S GONE.

JUST LIKE JUNIOR?

YEP.

Together: [ SIGH ] BUMMER.

WELL, SERVES HIM RIGHT,

NOT LISTENING TO A FINE DAD LIKE YOU.

REALLY?

YEAH. IS KADY AROUND?

WELL, ACTUALLY, KADY'S STILL AT SCHOOL.

I'LL WAIT.

OKAY.

YOU KNOW, MY GOOD MAN,

YOU HAVE TO PUT THE SATELLITE CONNECTION THROUGH THE DVD.

WELL... [CHUCKLES]

I KNEW THAT.

WHAT? DO YOU THINK THIS IS SOME HIGH-TECH,

COMPLICATED STUFF HERE?

WANT ME TO DO IT FOR YOU?

YEAH, PLEASE, WOULD YOU?

WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE?

OH, I GUESS I DIDN'T TELL YOU.

I'M TURNING THIS ROOM INTO MICHAEL'S WORLD.

MICHAEL'S WORLD?

YEP...MAN LAND.

THIS IS NOW A PARADISE DEDICATED TO MANLY PURSUITS --

I.E., SMOKING CIGARS,

DRINKING, AND SCRATCHING.

IS THAT RIGHT?

THAT IS RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

HAS IT EVER OCCURRED TO YOU THAT I MIGHT LIKE A ROOM OF MY OWN,

THAT I MIGHT LIKE A JAY WORLD?

NO PROBLEM -- PICK A KID, THROW THEM OUT.

IF YOU'RE GONNA THROW OUT KADY, I'LL TAKE HER.

HA HA. YOU KEEP WORKING, KID.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANT TO ESCALATE THIS WAR, MICHAEL,

AND CREATE YOUR OWN MICHAEL WORLD,

THEN YOU CAN LIVE IN IT PERMANENTLY.

LIVE IN IT? I'LL THRIVE IN IT.

OH, YOU JUST KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THAT.

WELL, IT'S JUST ME AND YOU, FRANKLIN.

YEP.

TWO MEN --

TWO MANLY, MANLY MEN.

YEP.

TWO BIG MEN...

SIDE BY SIDE IN THE TRENCHES OF "MANDOM,"

WATCHING SPORTS THE WAY MEN WERE SUPPOSED TO WATCH SPORTS --

WITHOUT THE INTRUSIVE INFLUENCE OF WOMEN.

YEP.

Kady: FRANKLIN, I'M HOME!

SHE'S HERE. SHE'S HERE. SHE'S HERE.

TRAITOR.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

YES?

I KNOW THAT I'M THE LAST PERSON YOU WANT TO SEE RIGHT NOW.

YOU GOT THAT RIGHT.

SO WHAT DO YOU WANT?

AND I KNOW THAT YOU THINK THAT I'M A HUSSY.

BUT THE TRUTH IS...

I'M IN LOVE WITH YOUR SON.

AND I WANT TO TALK TO YOU WOMAN TO WOMAN.

OKAY. COME ON.

OKAY.

HAVE A SEAT.

WELL, UM, I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT...

I DIDN'T MEAN FOR ANY OF THIS TO HAPPEN

AND THAT IT REALLY DID START OUT JUST INNOCENT.

I'M NOT TRYING TO BUTTER YOU UP.

IT'S JUST THAT YOU REALLY DID RAISE A WONDERFUL SON.

AND HE'S REALLY SPECIAL,

AND HE LOOKS AT THE WORLD IN THIS UNIQUE WAY.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN HIS MR. T.P. COMIC ON TOILET PAPER?

SEEN IT? I USE IT, OKAY?

WHAT? SOMETHING YOU LIKE TO DO...

Together: ...WITH SOMETHING YOU HAVE TO DO.

RIGHT.

LISTEN, I UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT JUNIOR,

BUT THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS THAT HE IS IN A LOT OF TROUBLE

WITH HIS FATHER RIGHT NOW.

I MEAN, MY SON IS LIVING IN A TENT, VANESSA.

I FEEL REALLY TERRIBLE.

AND I KNOW THAT WHAT WE DID WAS WRONG.

YES.

AND LOOK, I SAID A LOT OF THINGS IN ANGER.

I SHOULDN'T HAVE.

I'M SORRY ABOUT ALL THE NAME-CALLING, OKAY?

I UNDERSTAND.

COULD I TALK TO JUNIOR?

VANESSA, I THINK THE BEST THING FOR YOU TWO RIGHT NOW

IS THAT YOU NOT SEE EACH OTHER FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

SO WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

STAY OUT OF HIS TENT.

BUMMER, IS THAT YOU, BOY?!

NO. IT'S ME, MR. KYLE -- YOUR FUTURE SON-IN-LAW.

HEY, FRANKLIN.

IS KADY AROUND?

NO, SHE'S AT BALLET LESSONS.

GOOD. THAT GIVES ME SOME TIME TO REHEARSE.

MAY I USE YOUR PIANO?

WELL, YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY. GO AHEAD -- KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.

SO WHAT ARE YOU REHEARSING?

OH...I COMPOSED A SONG FOR KADY.

WANT TO HEAR IT?

SURE.

♪ KA-A-DY ♪

♪ KA-A-DY ♪

♪ KA-A-A-A-D... ♪

[ High-pitched voice ] ♪ Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y ♪

THAT WAS WONDERFUL.

AREN'T YOU GONNA WRITE SOME MORE WORDS FOR IT, THOUGH?

AFTER YOU SAY "KADY," THERE'S NOTHING LEFT TO SAY.

[ Chuckling ] OH, BOY, YOU GOT IT BAD, DON'T YOU?

YEP, I SURE DO. I GOT A LOVE JONES.

AND I BET YOU WERE LIKE THAT WITH MRS. KYLE

WHEN YOU FIRST MET HER.

HMM.

WELL, ACTUALLY, WE WERE A LITTLE BIT TOO MUCH LIKE THAT.

WHAT HAPPENED?

JUNIOR.

I DON'T GET IT.

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO.

LOOK, YOU'RE WELCOME TO STAY HERE

AS LONG AS YOU WANT, FRANKLIN,

BUT KADY'S NOT COMING HOME TILL DINNERTIME.

MAY I COME BACK THEN?

YOU MAY...IF YOU CAN. [ CHUCKLES ]

[ LAUGHS ] HOW DELIGHTFUL.

I SEE WHERE KADY GETS HER GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR.

REALLY?

BYE, MR. KYLE.

TAKE CARE THERE, FRANKLIN.

MICHAEL, I TALKED TO VANESSA.

AND?

WE GOT TROUBLE -- MORE THAN I THOUGHT.

WHAT KIND OF TROUBLE WE GOT?

THE GIRL IS IN LOVE WITH JUNIOR.

AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT A LITTLE BIT OF PUPPY LOVE.

I'M TALKING ABOUT BIG TIME CUJO LOVE.

THEY MADE SOME OF THAT CUJO LOVE UP IN OUR BED, REMEMBER?

CAN WE PUT ASIDE WHERE THEY DID IT

AND CONCENTRATE ON WHAT THEY DID?

LET ME JUST REMIND YOU OF SOMETHING, MICHAEL --

WE DID IT IN JUNIOR'S BED,

IN JUNIOR'S CAR, ON JUNIOR'S BIKE,

AND IN THAT TENT JUNIOR IS CURRENTLY CALLING HOME.

WE SURE DID -- GOOD TIMES, GOOD STUFF.

WOULD YOU -- [ SIGHS ]

THE POINT IS, MICHAEL,

JUNIOR DID SOMETHING INCREDIBLY STUPID,

AND, YES, HE SHOULD BE PUNISHED FOR IT,

BUT NOT THIS MUCH.

I CAN'T BELIEVE WOMEN, OKAY?

A MOTHER WILL DEFEND HER SON TILL THE --

I BET JEFFREY DAHMER'S MOTHER IS STILL TALKING ABOUT,

"WELL, THE BABY WAS JUST HUNGRY."

HE JUST WANTED SOMETHING TO EAT, SOMETHING TO NIBBLE ON.

HE NEEDED PROTEIN, AND HE LOVED HAITIAN FOOD.

I'M RIGHT, AND YOU KNOW IT.

AND IF YOU KEEP THIS UP,

YOU'RE GONNA DRIVE THAT BOY AWAY FOREVER.

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?

UH, DAD, CAN I TALK TO YOU?

SPEAK.

UH, CAN I COME IN?

UH...

NO.

O-KAY.

WELL, LISTEN, I'VE BEEN DOING A LOT OF THINKING ABOUT THIS,

AND IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOUR OPINION

OF WHAT VANESSA AND I DID IS A TEENY-WEENY BIT HYPOCRITICAL.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

AND THEREFORE, I -- DID YOU SAY I WAS RIGHT?

YEP.

OH, WELL...

THAT WAS PRETTY MUCH ALL I HAD.

OKAY. WELL, YOU HAVE A GOOD LIFE.

NICE TALKING TO YOU.

[ SIGHS ]

[ DOGGY DOOR CLOSES ]

JUNIOR...

COME HERE.

THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE I HAVE TO SAY TO YOU.

HAVE A SEAT.

ALL RIGHT.

LET ME TELL YOU MY FEAR.

MY FEAR IS THAT YOU'RE SO BLINDLY IN LOVE

THAT YOU'RE GONNA GET THIS GIRL PREGNANT.

AND THEN, OUT OF GUILT, YOU'RE GONNA MARRY HER,

AND I'M GONNA BE STUCK WITH A GRANDCHILD

WITH THIS BIG HEAD THAT KEEPS TIPPING OVER.

ISN'T THAT WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU AND MOM?

YEAH.

BUT WE WERE VERY, VERY FORTUNATE.

THE ODDS ARE AGAINST YOU, SON.

I DON'T CARE WHAT THE ODDS ARE, DAD.

IF YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME CHOOSE BETWEEN BEING IN THIS HOUSE

OR BEING WITH VANESSA, THEN I'M GONNA CHOOSE BEING WITH VANESSA.

YOU KNOW, I RESPECT THAT, SON.

I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE THAT MUCH IN LOVE.

SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

YOU CROSSED THE LINE!

AND THAT LINE GOES AROUND THE EDGES OF MY BED!

I KNOW I DID, AND I APOLOGIZE,

BUT HAVEN'T YOU EVER GOT CAUGHT UP IN THE MOMENT?

A COUPLE OF TIMES -- ONCE OUT IN THE TENT WITH YOUR MOM.

EW!

YEAH, GOOD TIMES, GOOD STUFF.

BUT LOOK, HERE'S THE THING, SON...

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS A LOT,

AND I'VE COME TO THE CONCLUSION

THAT THROWING YOU OUT IS NOT GONNA GIVE ME WHAT I WANT.

AND WHAT IS THAT?

I WANT US...

TO GO BACK TO BEING A HAPPY FAMILY.

WELL, DOES THAT MEAN I CAN COME OUT OF THE TENT?

YEAH.

BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO PAY FOR WHAT YOU DID.

I KNOW. AND I UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL.

AND, DAD...

AS A MAN, I WANT TO LOOK YOU IN THE EYE AND TELL YOU THAT...

I'M REALLY, REALLY SORRY THAT I DISRESPECTED YOU.

[ SIGHS ]

APOLOGY ACCEPTED.

COME HERE.

I'M GONNA GO UP TO MY ROOM NOW.

LET ME -- LET ME FOLLOW YOU.

HUH? WHAT DO YOU THINK, HUH?

MAN, I SHOULD GET PUNISHED MORE OFTEN.

YEAH, LOOK AT THIS --

A PINBALL MACHINE RIGHT HERE -- DONKEY BOY.

THAT'S MY FAVORITE.

AND LOOK AT THIS -- A FULL WET BAR.

YES! I DON'T HAVE TO GO DOWNSTAIRS ANYMORE.

AND I GOT SODAS AND JUICES.

AND LOOK AT THIS -- HIGH-DEFINITION, FLAT SCREEN,

60 INCHES! WHOA!

AND LOOK AT THIS -- THIS HERE -- IT RECLINES ALL THE WAY BACK,

SO YOU WATCH THE TV.

OH, AND IT'S SO COMFORTABLE.

HA HA! DO YOU LIKE IT?

OH, I LOVE MY NEW ROOM.

WELL, UH, WELL, THIS IS NOT YOUR ROOM.

HUH?

NO, NO. THIS IS NOT YOUR ROOM NO MORE.

WH-- SO WHERE IS MY ROOM?

[ CHUCKLING ]

HA HA HA HA HA HA!

[ HORN HONKS ]

[ GRUNTS ]

GOOD NIGHT, SON.

GOOD NIGHT, DAD.

[ GRUNTS ]

Man on TV: 76ers UP BY ONE.

HEY.

HEY.

...WHO HAS HAD A VERY DIFFICULT TIME IS ABOUT...

[ SIGHS DEEPLY ]

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?

HMM.

I THINK RAISING CHILDREN IS LIKE SENDING A ROCKET TO THE MOON.

THEY MAY GO OFF COURSE. THEY MAY EVEN LOSE CONTACT.

BUT IF YOU PROGRAM THEM RIGHT, THEY COME BACK HOME.

HMM.

[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

WHEN DID MY LIFE GET SO COMPLICATED?

I KNOW THE EXACT MOMENT.

IT'S WHEN YOU TURNED TO ME, AND YOU SAID,

"HI, MY NAME'S MIKE. WHAT'S YOURS?"

[ CHUCKLES ]

HEY, WATCH THIS.

WHAT?

OH, LORD.

WHERE ARE WE GOING?

TO MICHAEL'S WORLD.

[ LAUGHS ]

WAIT! YOU CAN'T JUST DO THIS.

WHAT HAPPENED TO MISS "KABOOM!"?

SHE DIDN'T THINK YOU -- DARN.

SCARED YOU, HUH? YOU DID.

HE'S SPRAYING TURF.

THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE MALE PACK IN THE "ALPHABETORY."