Original subtitles

[ SIGHS ]

IS YOUR NOSE ITCHY?

SHUT UP.

I'M TRYING TO STUDY FOR THE PSATs.

DON'T TALK TO ME.

OKAY.

[ CLICKING TONGUE ]

STOP IT!

STOP WHAT...THIS?

[ CLICKING CONTINUES ]

IF YOU DON'T STOP THAT, I'M GOING TO RIP

YOUR HEAD OFF AND STUFF IT UP YOUR BUTT.

THEN IT WILL SOUND LIKE THIS.

[ MUFFLED CLICKING ]

DON'T YOU REALIZE WHAT'S AT STAKE, YOU LITTLE MORON?

IF I DON'T DO WELL ON THESE TESTS,

I WON'T GET INTO COLLEGE,

AND THEN I'LL BE TRAPPED IN THIS HOUSE FOREVER!

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT, YOU SAWED-OFF LITTLE RUNT?

I DON'T KNOW. LET ME THINK ABOUT IT.

[ CLICKS TONGUE ]

GRRRRR! AAAH!

HEY, CLAIRE! PUT HER DOWN!

BREAK IT UP! BREAK IT UP!

YOU ALL RIGHT?

I WAS JUST SITTING HERE, MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS,

AND SHE TRIED TO STRANGLE ME!

HEY, YOU GOT CHOKED OUT ALREADY. NOW, SIT DOWN.

I'M TRYING TO STUDY FOR THIS TEST,

AND EVERYBODY IN THIS HOUSE IS ANNOYING ME!

SIT DOWN, CLAIRE.

HEY, YOU ARE STRESSING OUT

WAY TOO MUCH OVER THESE PSATs.

YEAH, IF YOU KEEP WORRYING LIKE THAT,

YOU'RE GOING TO SUFFER FROM PERFORMANCE ANXIETY

LIKE YOUR FATHER.

I'M GONNA GO GET SOME COFFEE.

YEAH. WHY DON'T YOU DO THAT.

YOU WERE ANXIOUS OVER THE PSATs, TOO?

YEAH. PSATs GET ME REAL ANXIOUS.

THAT'S WHY I'M THE PERFECT PERSON TO HELP YOU OUT.

COME ON, GIVE ME SOME QUESTIONS.

OKAY, "SONG IS TO REPERTOIRE, AS CHOOSE ONE OF THE FOLLOWING--

"SCORE IS TO MELODY, INSTRUMENT IS TO ARTIST,

BENEDICTION IS TO CHURCH, OR SUIT IS TO WARDROBE."

[ CHUCKLES ]

THESE ARE WAY TOO EASY FOR ME.

LET'S SEE IF YOUR MOTHER KNOWS.

SUIT IS TO WARDROBE.

THAT'S RIGHT! YO! I KNEW IT!

I KNEW IT.

SEE, THAT'S WHY I'M GONNA LET YOUR MOTHER

WORK WITH YOU ON THIS.

AND I'M GONNA GO MAKE BREAKFAST.

BECAUSE YOUR DAD IS TO PANCAKES

AS ROBERT HORRY IS TO THREE-POINT SHOT.

THEY'RE NOT ALWAYS GOOD,

BUT I MAKE THEM WHEN I HAVE TO.

HEY, DON'T BRING THAT AROUND ME, WOMAN.

STOP!

WHY YOU SCRATCHING YOUR NOSE, CLAIRE?

ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE, I THINK I'M GETTING A ZIT.

GOOD. ANYTHING TO KEEP THE BOYS AWAY.

I HOPE IT GETS PUSSY AND SPREADS ALL OVER YOUR BODY.

DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING I CAN PUT ON IT?

YEAH, HERE, MY HAT.

[ CHUCKLES ]

IGNORE HIM.

LOOK, THERE'S SOME NEW ASTRINGENT

IN THE MEDICINE CABINET.

YOU CAN GO HELP YOURSELF, OKAY?

THANKS, MOM. YEAH.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

BABE, COULD YOU GET THAT, PLEASE?

SURE.

HEY, IT'S FRANKENSTEIN.

LOOK, BABY, SOMEBODY SHRANK THE BACHELOR.

[ RASPBERRIES ]

I CAN ONLY STAY FOR A SECOND.

I GOTTA GO TO MY PIANO LESSON.

YOU STILL TAKE PIANO LESSONS?

NO. I'M GIVING THEM.

OH.

HEY, KADY.

HI, FRANKLIN.

YOU LOOK LOVELY TODAY, AS ALWAYS.

THANK YOU. THIS IS FOR YOU.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

NOT AS BEAUTIFUL AS YOU.

WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE FRANKLIN?

OW.

I'VE GOTTA RUN.

MAYBE TOMORROW I CAN CALL YOU AFTER NAP TIME?

THAT WOULD BE TERRIFIC.

ISN'T SHE GREAT?

WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE FRANKLIN?

OW!

[ Imitating child ] YOU WANT ME TO BE LIKE FRANKLIN?

OKAY, WOULD YOU TAKE ME UPSTAIRS AND BREAST FEED ME?

GET OUT OF HERE!

IT WOULD BE SO GREAT.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

COME IN.

AH, HEY, MOM. HEY, DAD.

I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

WHAT'D YOU BREAK, WHAT'D YOU WRECK,

AND HOW MUCH IS IT GONNA COST US?

NOTHING LIKE THAT.

CAN VANESSA COME OVER FOR DINNER SATURDAY NIGHT?

[ Singsong voice ] JUNIOR'S GOT A GIRLFRIEND.

JUNIOR'S GOT A GIRLFRIEND.

DON'T TEASE HIM.

[ Singsong voice ] 'CAUSE JUNIOR GOT A GIRLFRIEND.

[ Normal voice ] THIS IS A VERY SERIOUS STEP, SON.

BRINGING YOUR GIRL TO MEET YOUR PARENTS.

YOU SURE YOU'RE READY FOR THIS?

OH, YES, I AM.

I MEAN, SHE'S THE GREATEST GIRL IN THE WORLD.

I'M SURE SHE IS IF SHE PUTS UP WITH YOU.

WHATEVER. YOU GOTTA MEET HER.

SHE'S THE GREATEST GIRL IN THE WORLD.

YOU SAID THAT ALREADY.

DID I?

MM-HMM.

TELL US ABOUT HER, BABY. WHAT IS SHE LIKE?

WHAT'S SHE LIKE?

HOW CAN I DESCRIBE HER?

All: SHE'S THE GREATEST GIRL IN THE WORLD!

EXACTLY!

PLUS, SHE THINKS I'M SMART.

SHE'S SPECIAL.

YEAH, YOU MEAN SPECIAL LIKE IN OLYMPICS?

STOP, MICHAEL.

LOOK, IT'S FINE. BRING HER OVER.

WE'D LOVE TO MEET HER.

OH, GREAT. I'LL GO CALL HER.

YOU KNOW, THIS GIRL IS SO WONDERFUL,

I'D DO ANYTHING TO MAKE HER HAPPY.

I'M GONNA BUY HER FLOWERS, CHOCOLATES.

I'M GONNA TREAT HER LIKE THE QUEEN THAT SHE IS IN MY EYES.

WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE JUNIOR?

YOU WANT ME TO BE LIKE JUNIOR?

OKAY, CAN I BORROW SOME MONEY SO I CAN BUY YOU A NICE GIFT?

HERE'S ANOTHER ONE.

CALVIN KLEIN IS TO FASHION

AS MARIO ANDRETTI IS TO...

TO...

I DON'T KNOW!

DAD, I'M GONNA FAIL THIS TEST.

NOT BECAUSE I'M STUPID,

BUT BECAUSE I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THIS STUFF.

BABY, YOU DO CARE.

THAT'S WHY YOU'RE BREAKING OUT IN THOSE HIVES.

OH, MY GOD, IS THAT WHAT THIS IS?

I USED TO GET THEM ALL THE TIME WHEN I WAS UNDER STRESS.

SO I HAVE YOU TO THANK FOR THIS.

WHAT OTHER HORRIBLE THINGS WILL I INHERIT FROM YOU?

WELL, WHEN YOU TURN 35, YOU'LL LOSE ALL YOUR HAIR.

THAT'LL MAKE YOUR EARS LOOK REALLY POINTY,

AND THEN YOUR TESTICLES WILL DROP.

DAD!

JUST THE LEFT ONE.

KINDA LIKE THIS.

EW! DAD!

BABY, YOU ARE STRESSING OUT WAY TOO MUCH

OVER THESE PRELIMINARY SATs.

YOU CAN ALWAYS TAKE THEM AGAIN.

WAIT TILL YOU GUYS SEE THIS.

WHAT? WAIT.

WHOO!

HEY. WOW.

THIS MUST BE A SPECIAL GIRL

TO MAKE YOU PUT ON THE JEHOVAH'S WITNESS SUIT.

YOU LOOK GREAT!

THANKS, DAD. LOOK, GUYS,

VANESSA WILL BE HERE ANY MINUTE.

OH! CLAIRE!

WHAT'S THAT THING ON THE END OF YOUR NOSE?!

LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY SHOT A GOLF BALL

THROUGH THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD

AND IT DIDN'T QUITE MAKE IT OUT THE OTHER SIDE.

SHUT UP, JUNIOR,

OR ELSE I'M GONNA TELL YOUR GIRLFRIEND THAT YOU WET THE BED.

ONCE, CLAIRE.

YEAH, ONCE A WEEK TILL YOU WERE 14.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

OKAY, THAT'S VANESSA.

PLEASE DO NOT EMBARRASS ME.

"HEY, VANESSA!" [ IMITATING FARTS ]

[ LAUGHS ]

STOP IT! SHH!

HI, VANESSA. YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

OH, THANK YOU. YOU LOOK SHARP.

VERY HANDSOME.

THANK YOU. COME IN.

EVERYBODY, THIS IS VANESSA SCOTT.

VANESSA, THAT'S MY MOM AND DAD,

AND THAT'S MY SISTER CLAIRE.

HI, IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.

PLEASED TO MEET YOU.

WE HEARD A LOT ABOUT YOU, VANESSA.

YOU'RE JUST AS BEAUTIFUL AS JUNIOR SAID YOU WERE, MRS. KYLE.

THAT IS SO SWEET, BUT DON'T CALL ME MRS. KYLE.

CALL ME JAY.

OKAY, JAY. GOOD.

MMM. WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

THAT WOULD BE MY POT ROAST, I HOPE.

DINNER WILL BE READY IN A MINUTE.

I JUST GOTTA GO CHECK ON IT.

LET ME HELP YOU.

WOW, SHE'S HELPFUL, TOO.

JUNIOR, THIS JUST MIGHT BE THE GREATEST GIRL IN THE WORLD.

I TOLD YOU.

LET ME TAKE THAT JACKET.

THANK YOU.

HEY, CLAIRE. YOU CAN HELP, TOO.

COME ON.

HOW THE HELL DID YOU PULL THAT ONE OFF?

I DON'T HAVE A CLUE.

I MEAN, SHE'S BEAUTIFUL. SHE'S SMART.

SHE'S PERSONABLE, POLITE.

WHAT IN THE WORLD IS SHE DOING WITH ME?

YOU OKAY?

YEAH.

YOU SURE?

UH-HUH.

AND THERE'S NOTHING BOTHERING YOU, HUH?

NOTHING. OKAY.

[ SIGHS LOUDLY ]

I DO NOT LIKE THAT GIRL.

ARE YOU KIDDING? UNH-UNH.

JUNIOR HIT THE LOTTO WITH HER.

SHE'S PERFECT. SHE REMINDS ME OF A YOUNG YOU.

SHE'S HELPFUL AND POLITE. WHAT?

YOU FELL FOR THAT, MICHAEL?

THAT WAS AN ACT, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

I SEE ALL THROUGH THAT GIRL, UH-UH.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE?

DID YOU HEAR HOW THE LITTLE HEIFER CALLED ME JAY?

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

YOU TOLD HER, "CALL ME JAY." REMEMBER?

YES, I DID, BUT THAT WAS MY TEST,

AND SHE FAILED IT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, MICHAEL,

BUT I'M TELLING YOU, MM-MMM.

MM-MMM.

THAT ONE GOT AN AGENDA RIGHT THERE, UH-UH.

AN AGENDA? WHAT DO YOU THINK,

SHE'S TRYING TO STEAL THE PRIZE OF THE CENTURY?

JUNIOR?

I DON'T KNOW, MICHAEL, BUT I'M TELLING YOU

I DON'T TRUST HER.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?

YOU'RE JUST AFRAID THAT SHE'S THE ONE

THAT'S GONNA COME IN AND STEAL YOUR BABY BOY'S HEART.

OH, PLEASE. THAT IS RIDICULOUS.

YES, AND YOU NEED TO STOP BEING SUCH A MOM.

LET THAT BOY GROW UP.

HE'S ALMOST 18 YEARS OLD.

HE'S NOT GOING TO BE MANIPULATED BY SOME PRETTY GIRL.

DON'T YOU REALIZE BY NOW

THAT A CLEVER WOMAN CAN GET A MAN TO DO ANYTHING SHE WANTS?

THAT IS NOT TRUE.

OH, IT'S NOT, HUH?

NOT NO REAL MAN. WHAT?

YEAH.

OKAY, I'M GONNA PROVE IT TO YOU.

I WANT YOU TO TAKE ME TO THE OPERA ON SATURDAY NIGHT.

UH...

NO. I'D RATHER EAT GLASS.

I'M NOT GOING TO NO STUPID OPERA.

OH, REALLY? FRANKLIN WOULD DO IT.

FRANKLIN, FRANK, FRANK, FRANK, FRANK, FRANK, FRANK, FRANK!

I'M TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT THE PERFECT LITTLE PIANIST.

I'M NOT GOING TO THE OPERA, HONEY.

YOU SURE? I'M POSITIVE.

THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN SAY OR DO

THAT'S GONNA CHANGE MY MIND.

NOTHING? I'M A REAL MAN.

OH, REALLY? YEAH.

MM-HMM. OKAY.

♪ FIGARO ♪

♪ FIGARO, FIGARO ♪

♪ FIGARO ♪

[ SLOW PIANO MUSIC PLAYS ]

HEY, MR. KYLE!

HEY, FRANKENBERRY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

COMPOSING A SONG FOR KADY.

AND IT'S FRANKLIN.

HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?

OH, IT'S FRANKLIN BERRY.

MM, I GOT IT.

YOU KNOW, I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU, SIR.

IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU,

I WOULDN'T BE GOING TO THE STUPID OPERA

WITH MY WIFE ON SATURDAY.

OH, I THINK YOU AND MRS. KYLE ARE GOING TO ENJOY IT.

ARE YOU SEEING "CARMEN"?

[ Imitating Franklin ] OH, I DON'T KNOW WHO'S IN IT.

I JUST DON'T WANNA GO.

WELL, MRS. KYLE MUST BE PRETTY HAPPY ABOUT IT.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA WEAR?

[ Normal voice ] I DON'T KNOW.

THINKING ABOUT PUTTING ON SOME JEANS

AND A NICE SHIRT.

[ PLAYS OFF-KEY ]

WITH A TIE?

[ PLAYS OFF-KEY ]

MAYBE A SUIT?

[ PLAYS OFF-KEY ]

UH, TUXEDO?

[ PLAYS UPBEAT TUNE ]

WELL, IF I'M GONNA WEAR A TUXEDO,

THEN I PROBABLY HAVE TO GET THE CAR WASHED.

[ PLAYS OFF-KEY ]

COME ON, YOU WANT ME TO SPRING FOR A TAXI?

[ PLAYS OFF-KEY ]

YOU'RE TALKING LIMO.

[ PLAYS UPBEAT TUNE ]

OKAY, IF I'M GONNA GET A LIMO,

THEN I PROBABLY HAVE TO STOCK IT UP WITH...BEER?

NO, DON'T YOU THREATEN ME WITH THAT FINGER.

SOME LIQUOR.

GOOD LIQUOR?

UH...CHAMPAGNE?

[ PLAYS UPBEAT TUNE ]

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT, FRANKLIN?

IT'S A GOOD THING YOU'RE A GREAT PIANO PLAYER

'CAUSE WITH YOUR TASTES, YOU'RE GONNA NEED A LOT OF MONEY.

[ PLAYS "WE'RE IN THE MONEY" ]

ALL RIGHT, KADY.

WHEN RACHEL'S MOTHER SAYS IT'S BEDTIME,

IT'S BEDTIME, OKAY? NO LIP. ALL RIGHT.

I'LL TALK TO YOU IN THE MORNING, OKAY?

BYE.

YOU DIDN'T HEAR A PIANO PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND, DID YOU?

WILL YOU STOP WORRYING ABOUT FRANKLIN?

I DON'T LIKE THAT BOY, JAY.

SOMETHING ABOUT HIM JUST RUBS ME THE WRONG WAY.

WHATEVER, MICHAEL. WHATEVER.

I THINK HE'S GOT AN AGENDA.

MM-MMM. I KNOW SOMETHING. I KNOW SOMETHING.

YOU FALL FOR THAT.

IF YOU NEED ME, I'LL BE AT ERICA'S HOUSE STUDYING

FOR THE STUPID TEST.

WELL, IF IT ISN'T CLAIRE BIN LADEN.

[ Arabic accent ] WHERE YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING LIKE THAT?

[ Normal voice ] WAIT A SECOND.

HOW DO WE KNOW THAT THIS IS NOT ANOTHER ONE

OF YOUR LITTLE TRICKS TO SNEAK OUT TO SOME PARTY?

MAYBE I WAS BEING A LITTLE RASH.

GET IT?

[ LAUGHS ]

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. IT'S GONNA BE OVER SOON.

YEAH, AND, YOU KNOW WHAT. IF YOU DON'T GET INTO COLLEGE,

YOU CAN ALWAYS GET A JOB PULLING A SLEIGH.

[ LAUGHS ]

HEY, WHY ARE YOU MESSING WITH HER?

YOU SEE SHE'S FEELING BAD RIGHT NOW.

YEAH, WELL, SHE DON'T HAVE TO GO TO THE OPERA.

IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN, YOU AGREED WHOLEHEARTEDLY

TO GO TO THIS OPERA.

IN FACT, YOU SAID, "YES," OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

YES! YES! YES!

[ High pitched ] YES!

[ Normal voice ] WE'RE GOING TO THE OPERA,

SO LET'S JUST ENJOY OURSELVES, OKAY?

OKAY, FINE, YOU KNOW WHAT, IF IT'S GONNA MAKE YOU HAPPY,

THAT'S GONNA MAKE ME HAPPY.

I LIVE TO MAKE MY BABY HAPPY.

OH, BABY!

SEE? FRANKLIN IS RUBBING OFF ON YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO FOR YOU?

I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A NICE, LONG BACK RUB

WHEN WE GET HOME.

[ PLAYS OFF-KEY ]

A NICE LONG KISS?

[ PLAYS OFF-KEY ]

HOW ABOUT THIS?

A NICE...

[ PLAYS UPBEAT MUSIC ]

[ Imitating Franklin ] THAT'D BE GREAT.

[ LAUGHS ]

HEY, YOU GUYS ARE STILL HERE?

WE'RE LEAVING RIGHT NOW.

ALL RIGHT. GOOD NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT.

DON'T WAIT UP 'CAUSE WE'RE GONNA BE LATE.

ALL RIGHT. YOU GUYS ENJOY YOURSELVES.

DON'T DO ANYTHING I WOULDN'T DO.

YOU BEHAVE YOURSELF. GOOD NIGHT, DAD.

GOOD NIGHT, SON.

HEY, VANESSA?

YEAH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT?

WELL, YOU WANNA COME OVER?

YOU DO?

[ CHUCKLES ] OKAY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

PARANOID.

YOU KNOW, LINCOLN GOT SHOT IN A BOOTH JUST LIKE THIS.

WILL YOU STOP FOOLING AROUND, MICHAEL?

I'M VERY HAPPY WE'RE DOING THIS TOGETHER, BABY.

THE CHAMPAGNE, THE LIMO-- IT WAS PERFECT.

WELL, YOU'RE PERFECT,

AND I WANTED THIS NIGHT TO BE SPECIAL.

I MEAN, A LOT OF GUYS,

THEY WOULD JUST THROW ON A NICE SHIRT AND TIE

AND HAVE SOME BEER IN A CAB. RIGHT?

NOT ME. NOT THIS FELLA.

THAT'S RIGHT. NOT MY BABY.

I WANNA GO OUT OF MY WAY FOR MY JAY.

THANK YOU.

HELLO.

HI, Y'ALL.

PUT YOUR EYES BACK IN YOUR HEAD.

[ SIGHS ]

ISN'T THIS FANTASTIC? SUCH A GREAT VIEW FROM HERE.

OH, YEAH, YOU CAN SEE EVERYTHING--

ALL THE MOUNTAINS AND THE HILLS.

OW!

MICHAEL!

IT'S VERY NICE TO SEE

A YOUNG LADY ESCORTING HER FATHER TO THE OPERA.

THAT'S VERY SWEET. VERY NICE.

OH, HE'S NOT MY FATHER.

HE IS MY DADDY, THOUGH.

OKAY, FIRST YOU PUT THE HOT BEANS IN YOUR MOUTH,

AND THEN YOU CHASE IT DOWN WITH A BITE OF ORANGE POP.

WATCH THIS.

[ MOANING ]

ARE YOU OKAY?

HERE, EAT THIS, EAT THIS, EAT THIS!

MMM. MMM. MMM.

ARE YOU OKAY? MMM.

AH.

VOILA!

THE ICY-HOT SPLENDOR OF THE BEANSICLE.

NOW YOU TRY.

OH, I DON'T KNOW, JUNIOR.

JUST TRUST ME.

I WOULD NEVER STEER YOU WRONG.

[ SIGHS ] OKAY.

AH! NO BLOWING. THAT'S CHEATING.

[ SIGHS ] OKAY.

[ MOANING ]

POPSICLE, POPSICLE, POPSICLE!

AAAH!

THAT'S REALLY GOOD.

I TOLD YOU.

MMM.

HOW'D YOU COME UP WITH THAT?

LIKE ALL GREAT INVENTIONS, IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WELL, I WAS ENJOYING A NICE BOWL OF HOT BEANS

WHILE KADY WAS RUNNING THROUGH THE HOUSE

EATING AN ORANGE POP.

IT DOESN'T TAKE A GENIUS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HAPPENED NEXT.

YOU GUYS CRASHED INTO EACH OTHER,

AND HER ORANGE POP FELL IN YOUR BEANS.

AHHHHHH, NO.

I SAID, "HEY, I WONDER HOW THAT ORANGE POP

WOULD TASTE IN THOSE BEANS."

AND THE REST IS HISTORY.

OH, YOU'RE A GENIUS!

YEAH, YOU THINK SO.

EVERYBODY ELSE THINKS I'M STUPID.

YOU'RE NOT STUPID.

YOU JUST LOOK AT THE WORLD IN A UNIQUE WAY.

EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT'S CODE FOR STUPID.

STOP SAYING THAT. REALLY.

ALL YOUR INVENTIONS ARE BRILLIANT.

I LOVE YOUR NEWEST ONE.

OH, COMIC BOOKS ON TOILET PAPER.

MM-HMM.

SOMETHING YOU LIKE TO DO...

Both: WITH SOMETHING YOU HAVE TO DO.

SEE? IT'S BRILLIANT.

SO HOW IS THE LATEST ISSUE OF "CAPTAIN T.P." COMING?

OH, IT'S GREAT. I HAVE IT IN MY ROOM.

WANNA GO SEE IT? YEAH.

FOLLOW ME. OKAY.

WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT HAPPENED?

IS IT OVER?

NO. HE'S STILL ALIVE.

I MEANT THE OPERA.

OH, NO, THIS IS JUST INTERMISSION.

OH. WAKE UP, POOPSIE.

IT'S TIME FOR YOUR MEDICATION.

WHY DO YOU CALL HIM "POOPSIE"?

DON'T ASK.

OOPS.

HEY! RISE AND SHINE, SLEEPYHEAD.

IT'S OVER.

OH, NO! IT'S OVER?

YEAH. YOU MISSED A GREAT--

BABY, WE GOTTA COME BACK AND DO THIS AGAIN...

IN ABOUT TEN YEARS.

COME ON. BABE, WHAT DID I MISS?

IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

THEY HAD DANCING AND SINGING.

AND THEN THE MONKEY CAME OUT AND FLIPPED AROUND.

MONKEY?

YEAH, THAT LITTLE MONKEY, ABOUT THIS BIG.

HE FLIPPED AROUND. I THOUGHT IT WAS A FLEA CIRCUS.

I'LL TELL YOU THE REST IN THE LIMO.

WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR FRIENDS?

OH, THEY LEFT AT INTERMISSION.

I THINK POOPSIE HAD TO GET HIS DIAPER CHANGED.

CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW STUPID THAT LADY WAS?

IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY --

GOD EITHER GIVES YOU BRAINS OR BOOBS, NOT BOTH.

YEAH. COME ON, EINSTEIN.

AND THIS IS MY ROOM-- THE INNER SANCTUM.

THIS IS WHERE I DO MY BEST CREATING.

OH, MY GOD.

YEAH, IT'S NICE.

ISN'T IT?

YEAH, YEAH, IT'S JUST VERY...LIVED IN.

YEAH, I LIKE TO KEEP IT HOMEY.

NOW, WHERE'S CAPTAIN T.P.?

I THOUGHT I LEFT HIM OVER HERE.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE I SHOULD HELP YOU PICK UP SOME OF THIS STUFF.

MAYBE IT'S UNDER SOMETHING.

I JUST HOPE NOBODY TOOK IT TO THE BATHROOM.

IT WAS MY ONLY COPY.

I HATE TO SEE ALL THAT HARD WORK

FLUSHED DOWN THE TOILET.

WHAT'S THIS, JUNIOR? "ODE TO VANESSA"?

OH, THAT'S NOTHING.

WHAT? WHAT IS IT?

IT'S NOTHING. LET ME READ IT.

IT'S NOT EVEN FINISHED. PLEASE?

PLEASE? OKAY.

"ODE TO VANESSA.

"SHE MOVES SO SWEETLY,

COMPLETELY ENTHRALLING MY HEART."

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO READ IT, IT HAS TO BE BROUGHT TO LIFE.

YOU HAVE TO PUT MUSIC TO IT.

IT HAS TO BE PERFORMED.

OKAY, SO YOU PERFORM IT FOR ME.

ALL RIGHT. SIT ON THE BED.

WELL, I WOULD IF I KNEW WHERE IT WAS.

HA HA HA. IT'S RIGHT HERE.

ALL RIGHT.

"ODE TO VANESSA.

"SHE MOVES SO SWEETLY...

"COMPLETELY...

ENTHRALLING MY HEART."

[ IMITATES HEARTBEAT ]

"LIKE AN ENGINE STALLING."

VROOOM! VROOOM!

[ SCREECHING ]

DAMN CAR!

"INTO HER ARMS I'M FALLING,

"OUR ARMS, OUR LIPS, OUR LEGS ENTWINING.

"ALL MY LIFE I'VE BEEN PINING

"TILL COMPLETION, FRUITION,

"I'D GIVE MY COLLEGE TUITION,

"ALL THAT I HAVE FOR VANESSA.

VANESSA."

THAT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL POEM I'VE EVER HEARD.

WELL, IT WAS INSPIRED

BY THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL I'VE EVER SEEN.

OHHH.

MMM.

WAIT! WAIT A SECOND, JUNIOR!

THIS ISN'T HOW I IMAGINED IT WOULD BE.

WHAT?

THIS -- OUR FIRST TIME.

I JUST -- I DON'T KNOW.

I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE MORE ROMANTIC.

LIKE, I SAW THIS BIG, BEAUTIFUL ROOM

AND JUST CANDLELIGHT AND ROMANTIC MUSIC.

YOU WERE TELLING ME THAT YOU LOVE ME.

I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

CHAMPAGNE GOES RIGHT THROUGH YOU, DON'T IT?

WHOO! RACE YOU TO THE BATHROOM!

NO! WAIT, WAIT!

WHAT HAPPENED TO "LADIES FIRST"?

YOU ALWAYS PEE ON THE TOILET SEAT.

TOLD YOU I WAS GONNA BEAT YA!

[ ALL GASP ]

DADDY! MOMMY! IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!

NEXT ON MY WIFE AND KIDS...

ALL RIGHT, LET'S HEAR IT. HOW ARE WE GOING TO PUNISH HIM?

I'M THROWING HIM OUT, JAY.

WHAT?!

YOU CAN'T DO THAT, MICHAEL. HE'S OUR SON.

YEAH, WELL, OUR SON CAN'T DO WHAT HE DID

IN OUR BED AND STAY IN OUR HOUSE.

I'M THROWING HIS ASS OUT.

MICHAEL, WHERE IS HE SUPPOSED TO SLEEP?

I DON'T CARE. I DON'T CARE, JAY.

HE CAN TAKE OUR BED,

BECAUSE I'M NEVER GONNA SLEEP IN THAT AGAIN.

MICHAEL, WAIT!