Original subtitles

HEY, BABY.

HEY, SWEETIE.

WHAT'S FOR BREAKFAST?

OATMEAL.

OKAY, KADY, HAND ME THAT SUGAR.

LISTEN, I HAVE SOME GREAT NEWS

TO SHARE WITH MY HANDSOME, HARDWORKING HUSBAND.

YOUR MOTHER LOST OUR ADDRESS? NO.

YOUR MOTHER LOST HER WILL TO LIVE? NO.

YOUR MOTHER JUST GET LOST? NO!

THIS IS NOT ABOUT MY MOTHER.

MY GREAT NEWS IS ABOUT YOU. REALLY?

YES. WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF I TOLD YOU

THAT YOUR ADORING WIFE NOMINATED YOU FOR --

A DRUMROLL, PLEASE --

SMALL BUSINESSMAN OF THE YEAR AWARD?

OOH, OOH!

I'D SAY MY ADORING WIFE DID SOMETHING SPECIAL,

BUT THERE'S NO WAY I CAN WIN A THING LIKE THAT

BECAUSE THERE'S PROBABLY THOUSANDS OF SUBMISSIONS.

OKAY. WELL, THIS CAME FOR YOU TODAY.

YOU ARE ONE OF THREE FINALISTS.

AHH! I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! AHH!

AHH! AHH! OOH! OOH! AH! OOH! OOH! OOH-OOH!

DID SOMETHING HAPPEN TO GRANDMA?

NO! AND NEVER MIND YOUR FATHER.

MY BERRY LIPSTICK IS MISSING, CLAIRE.

HMM. I HAVEN'T SEEN IT.

HMM? REALLY? WELL, LET ME HELP YOU OUT.

SOME OF IT IS ON YOUR LIPS.

[ GASPS ] HOW DID THAT GET THERE?

CLAIRE, YOU HAVE GOT TO STOP PLAYING IN MY MAKEUP.

YOU KNOW HOW SENSITIVE YOUR SKIN IS.

I'M SORRY, MOM, BUT THIS IS MY FAVORITE COLOR.

AND ON MY MEASLY SALARY,

I HAVE TO WORK THREE HOURS JUST TO BUY ONE TUBE.

OH, BOOHOO-HOO. HOW WILL YOU EVER GO ON?

SEE? DAD UNDERSTANDS.

HEY, ARE YOU BEING SARCASTIC?

WHAT GAVE ME AWAY? WAS IT THE "BOOHOO-HOO"?

[ GROWLS ]

[ LAUGHING ]

HEY, MAX, WE SHOULD HAVE PARTNERED UP

A LONG TIME AGO, MAN.

WHY? BECAUSE YOU BEAT ME, AND I GOT TO PAY FOR LUNCH?

UH, YEAH.

HEY, THIS IS GONNA BE A BIG WEEK FOR YOU.

CONGRATULATIONS ON BEING NOMINATED.

HEY, THANK YOU.

MY WIFE TOLD ME ABOUT IT THIS MORNING.

WAIT, YOU DIDN'T HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS, DID YOU?

WELL, I'M THE CHAIRMAN OF THE SMALL BUSINESSMAN'S ASSOCIATION.

JAY SUBMITTED YOUR NAME, AND I SECONDED YOUR NOMINATION.

REALLY? WELL, THANK YOU. I OWE YOU ONE.

LOOK, I HAPPEN TO THINK YOU DESERVE THAT AWARD.

IT'S A GREAT STORY.

YOU STARTED WITH NOTHING,

AND YOU TURNED THAT INTO SOMETHING SUBSTANTIAL.

SO, WHO ELSE AM I UP AGAINST?

UH, TWO OTHER PEOPLE -- A DRY CLEANER AND A CAR DEALER --

NOTHING.

ARE YOU SAYING THAT I ALREADY GOT THIS THING WON?

ALL I CAN SAY IS IF MY VOTE WAS THE ONLY ONE THAT COUNTED,

YOU'D BE A SHOO-IN.

ALL RIGHT.

JAY! YEAH, RIGHT HERE.

BABY, I GOT IT!

WHOO! WHAT'D YOU GET?

THE SMALL BUSINESSMAN OF THE YEAR AWARD -- IT'S MINE.

WHOA, SETTLE DOWN. YOU WERE JUST NOMINATED, BABY.

NO, LISTEN. MAX TOLD ME THAT I GOT THE THING WON ALREADY.

THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE SOMETHING MAX WOULD SAY.

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW GUYS TALK.

IT'S ALL SUBTEXT. HE GAVE ME THE WINK, JAY.

MICHAEL, I DON'T WANT YOU TO GET DISAPPOINTED

IF IT TURNS OUT THAT YOU DON'T GET THIS AWARD.

BABY, HE GAVE ME THE DOUBLE WINK LIKE THAT.

IT'S MINE.

ARE YOU SURE?

I'M POSITIVE. IT'S MINE.

OKAY. THEN CONGRATULATIONS!

MAN, I CAN'T WAIT TO TELL MY FATHER.

HE NEVER THOUGHT I'D AMOUNT TO ANYTHING.

YEAH?! WELL, HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW, DAD?!

WHERE ARE THE KIDS AT?

THEY'RE UPSTAIRS.

OH, THEY'RE GONNA LOVE THIS. COME ON.

HEY, CLAIRE, JUNIOR, KADY, GET DOWN HERE! COME ON!

GUYS, HURRY UP, HURRY UP!

WHAT'S UP, DAD?

I GOT SOME GREAT NEWS!

YOUR DAD HAS SOME AMAZING NEWS TO SHARE WITH YOU.

ARE YOU EXTENDING MY CURFEW? BETTER.

ARE YOU GONNA LET ME START BORROWING YOUR CAR? BETTER THAN THAT.

ARE YOU GONNA LET ME EAT CANDY FOR DINNER?

EVEN BETTER!

LISTEN, I WON THE SMALL BUSINESSMAN OF THE YEAR AWARD!

Jay: YEAH! [ APPLAUDS ]

THAT'S IT?

THAT'S IT?

NEWS FLASH -- THAT'S NOT BETTER THAN CANDY.

SO WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

THE BIG DEAL IS I THOUGHT MY CHILDREN WOULD BE HAPPY FOR ME.

YEAH, YOU GUYS, I'M NOT CRAZY ABOUT THESE ATTITUDES.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SUPPORTIVE OF YOUR FATHER.

THIS IS A VERY BIG DEAL.

WELL, IT'S JUST -- I'M A LITTLE CONFUSED.

DAD ALWAYS SAID AWARDS WERE SILLY,

AND I'VE LIVED MY LIFE BY THAT CREDO,

CONSTANTLY STRUGGLING TO UNDERACHIEVE

TO STAY AS FAR AWAY FROM BEING REWARDED AS POSSIBLE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YEAH, WELL, YOU'VE SUCCEEDED,

BUT SATURDAY NIGHT IS THE AWARDS CEREMONY,

AND I WANT US ALL TOGETHER AS A FAMILY.

I'VE GOT A DATE WITH TONY.

AND I'VE GOT A DATE WITH VANESSA.

I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING, BUT I'M STILL LOOKIN'.

YEAH, WELL, CANCEL ALL YOUR PLANS

BECAUSE IT'S IMPORTANT TO ME THAT MY CHILDREN ARE THERE

WHEN I AM ACKNOWLEDGED BY MY PEERS.

BUT, DAD --

NO "BUTS."

THIS STINKS.

SO DID ALL YOUR SCHOOL PLAYS AND RECITALS,

BUT IT DIDN'T STOP ME FROM GOING.

♪ THEN I GET THE CALL THAT MY BROTHER'S IN JAIL ♪

♪ LIFE WITHOUT PAROLE, NO NEED FOR BAIL ♪

♪ TRYIN' TO GET LOVE FROM A MOTHER ON DRUGS ♪

♪ AND MOST OF MY LIFE, I'M CONSIDERED A THUG ♪

♪ IN A FOOD-STAMP WORLD, A FOOD-STAMP WORLD ♪

All: ♪ IN A FOOD-STAMP WORLD, A FOOD-STAMP WORLD ♪

♪ IN A FOOD-STAMP WORLD, A FOOD-STAMP WORLD ♪

YOU GONNA BE WORKIN' IN A FOOD-STAMP WORLD

IF YOU DON'T TURN THAT OFF.

WHAT'S UP, BOSS?

HEY, LOOK, I BROUGHT YOU GUYS HERE

TO TELL YOU SOME GREAT NEWS.

WE'RE GETTIN' SOME BIG, FAT RAISES.

BETTER THAN THAT.

PAID HOLIDAYS?

BETTER THAN THAT.

NEW SPEAKERS AND RIMS ON THE TRUCK.

EVEN BETTER THAN THAT.

YOU GUYS ARE NOW LOOKING AT THIS YEAR'S WINNER

OF THE SMALL BUSINESSMAN OF THE YEAR AWARD.

WELL, GOOD FOR YOU.

I CAN'T WAIT TO GET BACK TO MY STUDIO APARTMENT

AND TELL MY DIABETIC HAMSTER.

YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS IS CAUSE FOR A CELEBRATION.

YOU KNOW WHAT WE NEED TO DO?

WE NEED TO TAKE A 3-DAY WEEKEND,

GO TO ATLANTIC CITY ON THE COMPANY,

AND THAT'LL BE OUR WAY OF SAYING, "CONGRATULATIONS, BOSS."

REALLY? I'M GONNA MAKE THAT HAPPEN RIGHT NOW.

REALLY? NO.

YOU WILL NEVER WIN

THE SMALL BUSINESSMAN OF THE YEAR AWARD

BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO WASTEFUL.

SEE, WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO WITH A COMPANY

IS YOU HAVE TO NURTURE IT, YOU KNOW.

AND THEN YOU HAVE TO GO IN THERE AND MINE THOSE ASSETS.

AND THEN YOU ROLL THE PROFITS.

SEE, THAT'S THE GIANT MIND OF THE SMALL BUSINESSMAN.

GO BACK TO WORK.

FRIENDS, ROMANS, COUNTRYMEN,

LEND ME YOUR EARS.

YOU SEE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I HAD A DREAM.

I HAD A DREAM I COULD TURN MY 10-SPEED BICYCLE

INTO A TRUCKING COMPANY.

YES, LORD, I HAD A DREAM.

MICHAEL, YOU'RE NOT DRESSED YET?

NO, BABY. I WAS PRACTICING MY ACCEPTANCE SPEECH.

I THINK YOU'RE OVERDOING IT. IT'S NOT GONNA SOUND FRESH.

RIGHT. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY SURPRISE FACE?

BABY, COME ON.

LOOK, JUST SAY, "AND THE WINNER IS...MICHAEL KYLE."

AND THE WINNER IS...MICHAEL KYLE.

[ GASPING ]

ME?!

ME?!

WHAT DO YOU THINK -- DID YOU SEE THE LIP TREMBLE?

I SAW IT TREMBLE. YEAH, I SAW IT TREMBLE.

I DON'T LOOK DISTINGUISHED.

DO YOU THINK I SHOULD TAKE A MARKER AND COLOR MY HEAD?

WHY? SO YOU CAN LOOK LIKE SHERMAN HEMSLEY?

YOU'RE RIGHT. THEN I'D HAVE TO CHANGE MY WALK.

[ Imitating Sherman Hemsley ] HEY, COME HERE, WEEZY.

LOOK, I'M JUST GONNA BUFF MY HEAD, THEN I'LL BE READY.

MICHAEL, COME ON, HURRY UP.

I NEED A LITTLE SPIT, BABY.

NO. EW. GET OUT OF HERE.

A SNEEZE?

EW. COME ON.

FINE. [ SPITS ]

EW. THAT WAS...

OKAY, NOW I CAN'T DECIDE WHAT SUIT I'M GONNA WEAR.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA WEAR THE BLACK SUIT.

BLACK ON BLACK IS SO BORING.

BABY, COME ON, NOW. WHAT ABOUT THE CHOCOLATE?

THE CHOCOLATE, CHOCOLATE BROWN, THAT LOOKS GOOD ON YOU.

BROWN ON BROWN?

WHAT DO YOU WANT -- ME TO BLEND INTO THE WOODWORK?

JAY, IT'S MY BIG NIGHT. I WANT TO POP -- POP!

IF YOU DON'T HURRY UP, I'M GONNA POP YOU.

BABY, COME ON.

IF YOU DON'T GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW,

I'M GONNA DRAG YOU DOWN TO THAT CEREMONY BUCK NAKED,

AND YOU DO NOT WANT TO WIN

THE SMALL BUSINESSMAN AWARD BUCK NAKED.

ESPECIALLY WITH ALL THE AIR-CONDITIONING.

THANK YOU.

OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!

WHAT, CLAIRE? WHAT HAPPENED?

I JUST PUT ON SOME OF YOUR EYELINER,

THEN WITHIN MINUTES, I STARTED ITCHING, THEN THIS.

THERE'S CHARCOAL IN THAT EYELINER, CLAIRE.

YOU'RE ALLERGIC.

SEE, THAT'S JUST WHAT YOU GET. GOOD FOR YOU.

WHEN I TELL YOU TO STAY OUT OF MY MAKEUP BAG,

I MEAN STAY OUT.

GOOD FOR ME? GOOD FOR YOU.

I BET YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANY SYMPATHY FOR SNOW WHITE

WHEN SHE BIT THAT POISONED APPLE, EITHER.

I GUESS IT WAS ALL HER FAULT.

"IF ONLY SHE HADN'T BEEN SO GREEDY."

THAT'S RIGHT.

HEY...YOU LOOK LIKE A FROG.

I KNOW.

WELL, OBVIOUSLY, I CAN'T GO TO YOUR AWARDS CEREMONY.

I'M REALLY SORRY I'M GONNA MISS IT, DAD.

YOU ARE GOING, KERMIT.

[ As Kermit the Frog ] AND YOU WILL BE RIBBETED. [riveted]

DAD!

OKAY, I'M SORRY, BUT CAN YOU DO ME THIS ONE FAVOR?

CAN YOU JUST SAY...

♪ HELLO, MY BABY, HELLO, MY HONEY ♪

♪ HELLO, MY RAGTIME GAL ♪

DAD!

♪ HELLO, MY BABY, HELLO, MY HONEY ♪

♪ HELLO, MY RAGTIME GA-A-A-A-L ♪

I'LL GO GET DRESSED. YEAH, YOU DO THAT.

I FEEL LIKE EVERYBODY IN HERE KNOWS I WON.

HEY, YOU ENJOYING THAT, CLAIRE?

YEAH, IT'S GOOD. WHAT IS IT?

MY DESSERT. GET OUT OF HERE.

OKAY, PICTURE TIME. EVERYBODY SMILE.

OKAY. HEY, KADY, WAKE UP.

IT'S TIME FOR THE SMALL BUSINESSMAN OF THE YEAR'S FAMILY PORTRAIT.

THIS IS GREAT.

COULD YOU TAKE YOUR GLASSES OFF, HONEY?

COULD YOU PUT YOUR GLASSES ON, HONEY?

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING ]

ALL RIGHT, GOOD LUCK TONIGHT.

THANKS. DID YOU SEE THAT?

DID YOU SEE HOW HE CAME OVER HERE FIRST, JAY?

IT'S ALL PART OF THE GAME, JACK.

OH, HE'S ABOUT TO MAKE THE AWARD ANNOUNCEMENT.

FOR 10 YEARS, THE SMALL BUSINESSMAN ASSOCIATION

HAS BEEN GIVING THIS AWARD

TO PEOPLE OF HONOR AND DISTINCTION.

[ CLICKS TONGUE ]

YOU HEAR THAT? A MAN OF DISTINCTION.

A PERSON WHOSE HARD WORK AND PERSEVERANCE

HAS RESULTED IN OUTSTANDING CONTRIBUTIONS

IN THE SMALL-BUSINESS COMMUNITY.

[ CLICKS TONGUE ]

THIS IS SO BLATANT, IT'S EMBARRASSING.

SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO,

THIS YEAR'S AWARD GOES TO...

WATCH HOW I MILK THE SURPRISED LOOK.

[ CLICKS TONGUE ]

MICHAEL...

AHH!

...KELLER.

OH, BABY!

OOH!

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

GO ON!

THIS IS SO UNEXPECTED. I-I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

JUST "CONGRATULATIONS" IS ENOUGH, SANTA.

UH, MICHAEL...

WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU -- YOU HAD YOUR TURN TO SHINE, MAN.

LET ME SHINE.

UH... [ CLEARS THROAT ]

FRIENDS, ROMANS, COUNTRYMEN, LEND ME -- HUH?

What are you doing?

I'M TAKING MY AWARD. I'M MAKING MY ACCEPTANCE SPEECH.

WOULD YOU STOP WITH THE WINKS? THE CAT IS OUT OF THE BAG.

Michael... WHAT?

It's not a wink.

It's a facial tic, but thanks for pointing it out.

But the award goes to Michael Keller.

I'm sorry. Michael Keller.

OH.

[ CHUCKLES ]

THERE YOU GO, COLONEL.

[ CHUCKLING ] I WAS JUST KIDDING, ANYWAY.

I WAS JUST PLAYING AROUND,

JUST TRYING TO ADD SOME LEVITY TO, UH --

CLAIRE, GIVE ME THEM GLASSES.

MEET ME IN THE CAR.

THIS WAS THE MOST EMBARRASSING NIGHT OF MY LIFE.

CLAIRE...WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP, CLAIRE?

WHAT COULD BE MORE EMBARRASSING THAN BEING WITH YOU,

EYES WIDE SHUT?

YEAH, MAYBE YOU CAN PUT SOME EYELINER ON YOUR CHEST

AND PUFF THEM UP SOME, TOO.

DIE! [ GROWLS ]

PUT SOME ICE ON THOSE EYES!

AND, YOU, GO HELP YOUR SISTER GET READY FOR BED.

[ EXHALES SLOWLY ]

HEY.

I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT THIS. YOU OKAY?

OF COURSE I'M ALL RIGHT.

REALLY?

YEAH, IT'S JUST A SILLY AWARD, JAY.

I MEAN, I NEVER BELIEVED IN THAT KIND OF STUFF, ANYWAY.

THAT'S DIVIDE AND CONQUER.

YOU GIVE ONE GUY AN AWARD

TO MAKE HIM THINK HE'S BIGGER THAN THE OTHER GUY.

I DON'T NEED THAT TO VALIDATE ME.

I KNOW...WHO I AM.

I'M MICHAEL KELLER.

I MEAN, KYLE.

AND BESIDES, WHO CARES

ABOUT A "SMALL BUSINESSMAN AWARD," ANYWAY?

YEAH!

[ CHEERING ]

WHAT'S ALL THIS? WHAT'S ALL THIS?

WE'RE JUST CONGRATULATING

THE SMALL BUSINESSMAN OF THE YEAR.

WHERE'S THE PLAQUE? WHERE'S THE PLAQUE?

THE STUPID THING'S DOWN AT THE DRY CLEANER'S.

DANG, YOU STAINED THE PLAQUE?

YOU MUST HAVE BEEN PARTYING HARD LAST NIGHT, BABY.

WELL, ACTUALLY, THE DRY CLEANER WON IT.

WHAT?

BUT YOU SAID YOU ALREADY WON IT.

YEAH, WELL, I WAS MISINFORMED.

JEEZ, YOU MUST FEEL LIKE A REAL IDIOT.

WELL, ACTUALLY, IT'S NOT THAT BAD.

I MEAN, IN FRONT OF THE KIDS AND EVERYTHING.

TO THINK I USED TO RESPECT YOU.

LOOK, FELLAS, WHY DON'T YOU ALL GO BACK TO WORK?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

SPOKEN LIKE A TRUE SMALL BUSINESSMAN OF THE YEAR.

BUT CHECK THIS OUT -- YOU KNOW WHAT'D MAKE THIS ALL BETTER?

IF WE TAKE A 4-DAY WEEKEND

AND GET AN EMPEROR'S PACKAGE AT ATLANTIC CITY.

YEAH, LET ME TRY TO SET THAT UP.

FOR REAL? NO.

GO BACK TO WORK.

[ DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ]

SO...YOU OKAY, BOSS?

R.J., I SAID I WAS FINE, ALL RIGHT?

WHY WOULDN'T I BE FINE?

WELL, WHEN I WAS BRAGGING AND BOASTING

ABOUT HAVING THIS HUGE RECORD DEAL,

SAID I WAS GONNA MAKE IT, AND ENDED UP HERE,

MY WORLD FELL APART.

AND WHENEVER I HEARD PEOPLE LAUGHING,

I THOUGHT THEY WERE LAUGHING AT ME.

YEAH, WELL, I'M FINE. THANK YOU.

OKAY.

[ DOOR OPENS ]

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHTER STOPS ]

[ LAUGHTER RESUMES ]

[ LAUGHTER STOPS ]

[ LAUGHTER RESUMES, STOPS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

NOTHING.

COME ON. I LIKE COMEDY. FILL ME IN. WHAT'S THE JOKE?

OH, KADY JUST SWALLOWED A BUG.

[ LAUGHING ] YEAH, RIGHT.

YOU THINK I'M GONNA FALL FOR THAT BOGUS STORY?

YOU WERE LAUGHING AT ME, WEREN'T YOU?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU'RE GONNA PLAY INNOCENT? JAY, I KNOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT? FORGET IT. YOU GUYS LAUGH IT UP.

YOU KNOW, LAUGH IT UP. I'LL BE UPSTAIRS, TAKING A NAP.

BABY, WE WEREN'T LAUGHING AT YOU.

YEAH...RIGHT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHTER STOPS ]

[ LAUGHTER RESUMES ]

[ LAUGHTER STOPS ]

[ LAUGHTER RESUMES ]

[ LAUGHTER STOPS ]

MOM, CAN WE TALK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?

YEAH, SURE. WHAT'S UP?

WE'RE STARTING TO REALLY WORRY ABOUT DAD.

YEAH, WE'VE NEVER SEEN HIM DOWN LIKE THIS BEFORE.

HE'S BEEN LAYING IN BED ALL DAY.

HE'S ACTING LIKE HE LOST HIS BEST FRIEND.

YEAH, I DON'T LIKE SEEING MY DAD SO SAD.

HE DIDN'T EVEN LAUGH WHEN I SWALLOWED THE BUG.

YEAH, YOU GUYS, I'VE BEEN WORRIED ABOUT HIM, TOO.

BUT NOT WINNING THAT AWARD WAS LIKE SAYING

ALL OF HIS ACCOMPLISHMENTS UP UNTIL NOW MEANT NOTHING.

HE FEELS UNAPPRECIATED.

WE APPRECIATE HIM.

OF COURSE WE DO.

HOW DO YOU SHOW IT?

WELL, FOR STARTERS, WE LET HIM GIVE US ALLOWANCE.

MM-HMM.

CLAIRE, LISTEN TO YOURSELF.

IF YOU WERE MORE FLEXIBLE,

YOU'D PROBABLY BEND OVER AND KISS YOUR OWN BEHIND.

I KNOW I'D KISS MINE...

[ CHUCKLES ] COUPLE TIMES.

YOU'RE A VERY ODD CHILD.

LISTEN, TAKING MONEY FROM YOUR FATHER

DOES NOT CONSTITUTE SHOWING APPRECIATION.

OH, NICE EARRINGS.

OH, THANK YOU. YOUR DADDY GOT -- DON'T BE SMART.

LOOK, MOM, WE DON'T HAVE TO SHOW IT.

WE'RE CHILDREN. PARENTS ARE SUPPOSED TO KNOW.

YEAH.

DUH.

WELL, THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE ALL WRONG.

PARENTS DON'T KNOW UNLESS YOU TELL US.

DUH.

THINK ABOUT THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?

OH, THIS IS THE STORY OF MY LIFE, JAY.

IT'S ABOUT A CHRONIC LOSER.

CHARLIE BROWN?

YEAH, YOU KNOW, I JUST FIGURED OUT WHAT THEY'RE SAYING

WHEN THEY GO, "WAAA-WAA WA-WAA WAA WAA WAA WAAAA."

THEY'RE SAYING, "MICHAEL KYLE'S A BIG, FAT LOSER."

ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT, MICHAEL?

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. THE MOURNING PERIOD IS OVER.

YOU NEED TO PUT ON SOME SWEATS AND COME DOWNSTAIRS RIGHT NOW.

I'M FINE RIGHT HERE.

NO, MICHAEL, YOU ARE NOT FINE, AND NEITHER ARE WE.

WE ARE ALL SUFFERING HERE, AND IT'S NOT FAIR.

THE KIDS MISS YOU, AND WE HAVE SOMETHING WE WANT TO SHOW YOU,

SO COME ON, GET UP.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I AM PUTTING YOUR ROBE ON YOU.

I WILL CARRY YOU DOWN THOSE STAIRS IF I HAVE TO,

AND YOU KNOW I CAN DO IT, SO LET'S GO.

OKAY, BUT... I WILL DO IT MYSELF.

WHAT'S ALL THIS? WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

IT'S AN AWARD CEREMONY FOR SOMEBODY REALLY, REALLY SPECIAL.

AND YOU ARE THE GUEST OF HONOR.

YOU ALL DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS JUST TO CHEER ME UP.

WE KNOW WE DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS.

WE WANTED TO, DAD.

GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

AND WELCOME TO OUR FATHER OF THE YEAR CEREMONY.

TONIGHT, WE PAY TRIBUTE TO A VERY SPECIAL MAN --

MY FATHER, MR. MICHAEL KYLE.

DAD, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I'M PROUD AND PRIVILEGED

TO BE THE NAMESAKE

OF THE MAN I MOST ADMIRE AND RESPECT IN THIS WORLD.

AND YOU'RE ALWAYS THERE FOR ME WITH LOVE AND GOOD COUNSEL,

NO MATTER HOW BADLY I MESS UP,

AND I DO MESS UP BADLY SOMETIMES,

LIKE THE TIME I PUT GLUE ON YOUR TOILET SEAT,

OR THE TIME I GOT THE CAT DRUNK.

OR THE TIME I GLUED THE CAT TO THE TOILET SEAT.

COME ON, BOY.

HERE'S THE THING, DAD --

IF I COULD GROW UP TO BE EVEN HALF THE MAN YOU ARE,

WELL, THAT'D MAKE ME JUST OVER 3 FEET TALL.

[ LAUGHING ]

NO?

NO.

NO? OKAY.

SERIOUSLY, DAD, I WOULD CONSIDER MYSELF LUCKY

TO BE EVEN HALF THE MAN YOU ARE.

YOU'RE NOT ONLY MY DAD, BUT YOU'RE MY HERO.

THANK YOU, SON. I'M TOUCHED.

DAD, I MAY NOT BE THE DEEPEST GIRL ON EARTH,

BUT I'M DEEP ENOUGH TO KNOW WHEN SOMEONE MAKES ME LOOK GOOD.

AND I KNOW I MAY SEEM SELFISH,

BUT I KNOW THERE'S NOTHING IN THE WORLD

YOU WOULDN'T DO TO MAKE ME HAPPY.

I APPRECIATE YOU, DAD, 'CAUSE YOU APPRECIATE ME.

THANK YOU.

THAT WAS VERY SWEET, CLAIRE.

DADDY, YOU ALWAYS MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A PRINCESS.

AND LIKE I'VE ALWAYS SAID,

"WHEN I GROW UP, I'M GONNA MARRY YOU."

I LOVE YOU, DADDY.

I LOVE YOU, TOO, MUNCHKIN.

[ INHALES DEEPLY ]

MICHAEL, REMEMBER BACK IN THE DAY,

WHEN WE WERE STRUGGLING --

SOMETIMES, WE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW

WHERE OUR NEXT MEAL WAS GONNA COME FROM?

BUT I NEVER PANICKED

BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS SAID THINGS WERE GONNA WORK OUT,

AND THEY ALWAYS DID.

I HAD FAITH IN YOU

SINCE THE DAY YOU QUIT YOUR FAST-FOOD JOB,

RENTED YOUR FIRST TRUCK, AND STARTED YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

CLAIRE WAS BORN IN THE BACK OF THAT TRUCK.

YEAH.

IT WAS TOUGH, BUT WE ALSO HAD SOME GOOD TIMES.

MY POINT IS,

WE MAY NOT ALWAYS SHOW YOU HOW WE APPRECIATE YOU,

BUT, BABY, WE REALLY DO APPRECIATE YOU.

AND I JUST WANTED TO SAY THANK YOU.

THANK YOU FOR CHOOSING TO SHARE THIS JOURNEY WITH ME.

YOU'RE NOT ONLY THE MAN OF THE YEAR,

[ Voice breaking ] YOU'RE THE MAN OF MY LIFE.

AND ON BEHALF OF ALL OF US,

WE'D LIKE TO PRESENT THE AWARD FOR FATHER OF THE YEAR

TO MR. MICHAEL KYLE.

COME ON, DAD, SPEECH!

All: SPEECH! SPEECH!

[ SIGHS ]

[ SNIFFLES ]

FRIENDS, ROMANS, COUNTRYMEN...

NO, SERIOUSLY,

THIS IS...THE NICEST THING ANYONE'S EVER DONE FOR ME.

AND...

THIS IS MORE MEANINGFUL AND MORE IMPORTANT

THAN ANY AWARD COULD HAVE EVER BEEN.

AND I WANT TO THANK YOU GUYS FOR REMINDING ME

WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT IN MY LIFE.

IT'S THE LOVE AND RESPECT OF MY WIFE AND KIDS.

I LOVE ALL OF YOU ALL.

WE LOVE YOU, TOO.

WE LOVE YOU, TOO, DADDY.

[ SMOOCHING ]

JAY, JAY, I GOT IT! I GOT IT!

THE SMALL BUSINESSMAN OF THE YEAR AWARD -- IT'S MINE!

WHOA, SETTLE DOWN. YOU WERE JUST NOMINATED.

NO, NO, I JUST HAD W-- W--

NO, NO, I JUST HAD GOLF --

NO, NO.

YEAH, I JUST FIGURED OUT WHAT "WAA WAAA WAA-WAA WAA" MEANS.

IT MEANS -- [ LAUGHING ]