Original subtitles

IT'S ME AND YOU, BABY.

YEAH.

I KNOW YOU GOT THE TRIANGLE OFFENSE

SO I'M GONNA TAP THAT SIDE, TAP THAT SIDE.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GOIN' STRAIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE.

HEH HEH HEH.

DADA, DADA!

I GOT ANOTHER JOKEY-POO FOR YOU.

ANOTHER ONE? WOW, THAT'S FIVE IN A ROW.

YEP. WANNA HEAR IT?

MM-HMM.

KNOCK-KNOCK.

OKAY. WHO'S THERE AGAIN?

ORANGE.

ORANGE WHO AGAIN?

ORANGE YOU GLAD I'M YOUR DAUGHTER?

APPLEY, I'M VERY GRAPE-FUL.

OKAY. I'LL GO THINK OF ANOTHER ONE.

OH, WOULD YOU, PLEASE?

HEY, I WAS GONNA EAT THAT!

TOO LATE.

GIVE IT BACK TO ME, YOU IDIOT!

OKAY.

HERE YOU GO.

EWW! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO ACT LIKE A 2 YEAR OLD?

YOU'RE THE ONE PLAYING WITH DOLLS.

YEAH, FOR SCHOOL.

THIS IS THE COMPUTERIZED BABY I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF,

OR ELSE I'LL FLUNK MY PARENTING CLASS.

OH, AND YOU'RE WEARING YOUR BIG SOCKS TODAY.

YOU GOING TO BREASTFEED? HA HA HA! HA HA HA!

OOH!

FINALLY... SOME PEACE AND QUIET.

MICHAEL!

OH. HEY, BABY.

CAN YOU MAKE YOURSELF USEFUL

AND HELP ME WITH THIS LAUNDRY, PLEASE?

NO! I'M TRYING TO BE ALONE, JAY.

I WANT TO BE BY MYSELF, IN MY HOUSE,

WITH NO ONE ELSE AROUND -- SOLO CONCERTO.

OH, YES, I'VE HAD THAT DREAM MYSELF.

YEAH, BUT I WANNA MAKE MINE A REALITY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO IF I WAS ALONE?

I WOULD SIT DOWN WITH A NICE HOT CUP OF TEA,

SOME MILANO COOKIES, AND READ A BOOK.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

ME?

YES.

I'D BE BUTT NAKED...

THEN I'D DO JUMPING JACKS,

JUST TO MAKE THAT LITTLE SOUND I LIKE TO MAKE.

YOU ARE SO RIDICULOUS.

AND THEN I'D TURN ON THE GAME,

I'D PUT ON SOME OF YOUR LEE PRESS-ON NAILS,

AND JUST SCRATCH... SCRATCH AND WATCH THE GAME.

SCRATCH, WATCH THE GAME... SCRATCH...

HA HA! OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? I GOTTA --

WAIT. THERE'S MORE?

THEN I SWITCH THE NAILS TO THE OTHER SIDE...

SCRATCH MYSELF.

HA HA. OKAY, LOOK, I CAN MAKE THIS A REALITY.

YOU CAN? HOW?

YES. YOU WANT TO MAKE A DEAL?

THE KIDS AND I WILL CLEAR THE HOUSE ONE NIGHT A MONTH

IF YOU PROMISE TO DO THE SAME FOR ME.

DEAL. ALL RIGHT!

GET OUT!

RIGHT NOW?

YES. I WANT TO DO THIS NOW.

I GOT A SIX-PACK IN THE REFRIGE,

THE GAME IS COMING ON,

AND I GOT AN ITCH I GOTTA SCRATCH.

YOU ARE SO RIDICULOUS.

GOT AN ITCH I'M GONNA SCRATCH.

GOT AN ITCH, GONNA SCRATCH...

FINE, FINE! NOPE, CAN'T DO THAT.

YOU PROMISED TO WATCH THAT MOVIE WITH KADY TONIGHT.

OH, MAN! I GOT TO STOP MAKING PROMISES WITH THIS GIRL

JUST TO SHUT HER UP.

DADA, DADA!

I GOT ANOTHER JOKE FOR YOU.

YOU DO? SHE'S GOT ALL THESE JOKES!

GO AHEAD.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A SLEEPING BULL?

I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A SLEEPING BULL?

I DON'T KNOW.

A BULL-DOZER!

HA HA HA.

SHE'S NOT CUTE ANYMORE.

HA HA.

I KNOW.

SHE'S TURNING INTO A LITTLE CARROT TOP.

OH, I KNOW, MICHAEL.

SHE USED TO REMIND ME OF A PUPPY.

NOW SHE'S IN THAT AWKWARD STAGE

BETWEEN PUPPY AND DOGGY.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU CALL IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU CALL IT? YOU CALL IT THE RUDY STAGE.

REMEMBER -- "COSBY"?

ONE DAY SHE WAS LITTLE AND CUTE,

AND THE NEXT DAY SHE STARTED TO GROW UP

AND LOOKED LIKE -- LIKE COSBY!

HA HA HA HA!

LOOK, WE GOT TO STOP.

WE GOT TO BREAK OUT OF THIS CUTE STUFF.

YOU KNOW? WE KEEP ENCOURAGING IT.

THE GIRL'S ALMOST 7 YEARS OLD

AND SHE ACTS LIKE SHE'S 3.

ALL KIDS GO THROUGH THAT LITTLE AWKWARD STAGE.

YOU MAY NOT BELIEVE THIS, MICHAEL, BUT WHEN I WAS A KID,

I WAS A LITTLE BIT ON THE CHUBBY SIDE.

REALLY?

YEAH.

JUST A LITTLE BIT.

YOU SERIOUS?

UH-HUH.

WOULD HAVE NEVER GUESSED THAT.

OKAY, SO, I'LL WATCH THE MOVIE WITH KADY,

BUT NOT ONE OF THEM LITTLE KID MOVIES.

WE'RE GOING TO WATCH SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE MATURE,

HELP HER GROW UP A LITTLE BIT.

THAT'S FINE. GOOD IDEA.

AND LET ME GO MAKE SURE

DUMB AND DUMBER ARE OUT OF THE HOUSE, TOO.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

HEY, BABY, WHAT YOU DOIN'?

OH, I'M JUST STARTING THIS ESSAY I HAVE TO WRITE

ON WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE A RESPONSIBLE MOTHER.

OH, THAT'S GREAT!

[ BABY CRYING ]

WHY IS THE BABY CRYING?

OH, IT'S UNDER THE MATTRESS. I COULDN'T GET ANY WORK DONE.

IT'S SO ANNOYING!

WELL, I CAN TELL YOU'RE GOING TO BE A FABULOUS MOTHER.

IT'S NOT A REAL BABY, DAD. IT JUST ACTS LIKE ONE.

YEAH, WELL, HOW DO YOU GET IT TO SHUT UP?

OH, JUST STICK THE BINKY IN ITS MOUTH.

WHY DIDN'T YOU DO THAT INSTEAD OF THROWING IT UNDER THE BED?

BECAUSE I CAN'T FIND THE STUPID BINKY.

WELL, LOOK, WHEN YOU'RE A PARENT,

YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO IMPROVISE.

YOU SHOULD WRITE THIS DOWN IN YOUR LITTLE REPORT.

[ Imitating Bill Cosby ] LOOK AT THAT!

I'M A LITTLE COSBY KID!

HEY, LOOK, I GOT A CIGAR. WAIT, TAKE A PUFF --

[ COUGHS ]

AH, THAT'S SO SMOOTH!

WHAT ELSE DO YOU HAVE TO DO WITH HER?

OH, EVERYTHING!

I HAVE TO FEED IT, BURP IT, WASH IT AND CHANGE IT.

THAT REMINDS ME OF WHEN YOU WERE A BABY.

I HAD TO CHANGE YOU,

AND YOU WERE LIKE DEFUSING A BOMB.

I NEVER KNEW WHEN YOU WERE GOING TO EXPLODE AGAIN.

SOMETIMES IT WOULD RUN OUT YOUR DIAPER

ALL UP YOUR BACK INTO YOUR HAIR --

I HAVE TO GET THIS REPORT DONE. IT'S DUE TOMORROW.

WHEN DID THEY GIVE YOU THE ASSIGNMENT?

TWO MONTHS AGO.

WOW. THEY MUST HAVE JUST SPRUNG IT UP ON YOU.

WELL, LISTEN, BABY, CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

IS THERE ANY WAY THAT YOU CAN FINISH THE REPORT

SAY, LIKE ABOUT 7:00

SO I CAN BE AT HOME ALONE TONIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW, DAD. IT'S A LOT OF WORK.

WELL, WHAT IF YOU HAD A LITTLE INCENTIVE

TO GET YOU OUT THERE --

MAYBE LIKE A BRAND-NEW PAIR OF SHOES?

OOH, WELL...

I DON'T --

WHAT -- WHAT IF YOU HAD

A NICE LITTLE TOP

TO MATCH THEM BRAND-NEW SHOES?

WELL...

AND -- AND HOW ABOUT --

HOW ABOUT IF THERE WAS A NICE SKIRT

THAT WENT IN BETWEEN THAT --

I'LL BE OUT BY 7:00.

YEAH, VERY GOOD.

HEY.

BOY, OPEN THIS DOOR.

BOY!

[ KNOCK KNOCK ]

WHAT DID I TELL YOU

ABOUT PUTTING A CHAIR UNDERNEATH THE DOOR?

YOU TOLD ME NOT TO DO IT AGAIN, AND I DIDN'T.

THEN WHY IS THE DOOR LOCKED?

BECAUSE I LOCKED IT. DUH!

WHAT THE HECK IS THIS?

UH, A LOCK?

DUH!

WELL, WHAT IS THE LOCK DOING ON YOUR DOOR?

TO LOCK IT. DUH!

YOU'RE ONE MORE "DUH" AWAY FROM HAVING A LOCKED JAW.

LOOK, I'M SORRY, DAD.

I PUT THE LOCK ON FOR PRIVACY.

AND WHY DO YOU NEED PRIVACY?

I'VE BECOME A NUDIST.

I LIKE BEING NAKED IN MY OWN ROOM. SEE?

AAH!

HA HA!

LOOK, DAD, LOOK. HA HA!

I'M LOOKIN'. NOTHING'S MOVIN'.

THAT SCARES ME.

AS DISTURBING AS THAT WAS, I UNDERSTAND THE URGE.

SEE, I, TOO, DREAM OF BEING NAKED IN MY OWN HOUSE.

THE WHOLE HOUSE?

MM-HMM.

I COULDN'T EVEN IMAGINE BEING NAKED IN THE LIVING ROOM!

THAT WOULD BE A DREAM COME TRUE.

YEAH.

OH, MAN.

HEY, LOOK, I WANT TO MAKE THAT --

I WANT TO MAKE THAT A REALITY, SON.

OH, YOU'RE MY HERO. HOW YOU GONNA DO IT?

BY GETTING RID OF YOU.

I NEED YOU TO LEAVE THE HOUSE TONIGHT.

WELL, I DID MEET THIS AWESOME GIRL --

VANESSA. HA HA.

AND I'D LOVE TO ASK HER OUT, BUT...

BUT WHAT?

DATES COST MONEY, DAD.

MAN, THE COST OF BEING NAKED HAS SKYROCKETED.

TELL ME ABOUT IT. THAT LOCK COST ME 20 BUCKS.

LOOK, SON, THAT'S $20 DOWN THE DRAIN, OKAY?

BECAUSE THAT LOCK HAS TO COME OFF.

IT'S A FIRE HAZARD.

OH, COME ON, DAD!

THAT'S METAL. IT WON'T BURN.

NO, I MEAN IF THERE WAS A FIRE IN YOUR ROOM

AND THE DOOR WAS LOCKED, THEN YOU COULD --

YOU KNOW WHAT? KEEP THE LOCK.

KEEP THAT LOCK ON THERE.

KADY, YOU READY TO WATCH THE MOVIE?

I'M ALWAYS READY FOR "THE LITTLE MERMAID."

WELL, I GOT NEWS FOR YOU.

WE'RE NOT GOING TO WATCH "THE LITTLE MERMAID."

WE'RE GOING TO WATCH SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE MATURE.

"THE WITTLE MERMAID II"?

NO.

"THE WITTLE MERMAID III"?

NO.

"THE WITTLE MERMAID IV"?

OKAY, STOP WITH THE "WITTLE."

THERE IS NO "WITTLE" MERMAID.

WE'RE GONNA WATCH "GREMLINS."

"GREMLINS"? WHAT'S A GREMLIN?

OH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY. YOU'RE GONNA LOVE 'EM.

THEY'RE THESE CUTE LITTLE FURRY CREATURES

THAT ARE CUDDLY AND CUTE, KIND OF LIKE YOU...

WERE.

MICHAEL.

YES, BABY? CAN I SEE YOU FOR A MINUTE?

SURE. WHAT'S THE MATTER?

COME OVER HERE TO MY OFFICE, OKAY?

"GREMLINS," MICHAEL?

YEAH. WHAT'S WRONG WITH "GREMLINS"?

WE SAID WE'RE GONNA LET HER WATCH SOMETHING

A LITTLE MORE MATURE, RIGHT?

YEAH, BUT NOT SCARE HER TO DEATH.

SHE'S GONNA HAVE NIGHTMARES!

OHH...SHE WON'T BE SCARED.

TRUST ME.

[ SCREAMS ]

WHAT? WHAT? WAIT A MINUTE.

HEY, WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

TURN IT OFF! I'M A-SCARED!

I TOLD YOU, MICHAEL!

WHAT ARE YOU A-SCARED OF?

IT'S OKAY. IT'S JUST A MOVIE.

NO, "THE LITTLE MERMAID" IS A MOVIE.

THIS IS A NIGHTMARE!

WHAT IS GOING ON DOWN HERE?

OH, GREAT. YOU SEE WHAT YOU DID?

YOU WOKE THE FAKE BABY UP.

I'M SCARED. THE GREMLINS ARE GONNA GET ME!

THAT'S RIGHT. SEE, THEY HIDE UNDER THE COUCH

AND THEN THEY BITE YOUR LEGS.

AAH! AAH! AAH!

HA HA HA HA!

THERE GOES THE -- OW!

DON'T HIT JUNIOR WITH THE BABY!

WHAT IS THIS, "THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW"?

WILL YOU GUYS CUT IT OUT?

KADY, LET ME TAKE YOU FOR A REAL MOVIE.

CAN YOU DROP ME OFF AT THE MALL?

I'M GOING TO GO PICK UP VANESSA.

GOOD. ALL Y'ALL GET OUT,

SO I CAN GET NAKED AND GET MY SCRATCH ON.

DADDY, DADDY!

I DON'T WANT TO GO OUT THERE. I'M A-SCARED OF THE GREMLINS.

OH, THERE AIN'T NO SUCH THING AS GREMLINS.

AAH! GREMLINS!

KADY, THERE ARE NO GREMLINS IN THE HOUSE.

[ BUMPS INTO PIANO ]

WHO PUT THE PIANO THERE?

LOOK, I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH THE POWER COMPANY.

ALL THE LIGHTS ARE OUT IN WESTERN CONNECTICUT.

IT'S GREMLINS, I TELL YOU!

THEY'VE TAKEN OVER THE WHOLE, ENTIRE STATE OF CONNECT-ICUT!

IT'S CONNET-ICUT, RUDY!

OKAY? AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT,

THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS "PASGHETTI,"

AND YOU'RE NOT "A-SCARED" OF GREMLINS.

LIKE HELL I'M NOT!

HEY, KADY, WATCH YOUR MOUTH!

OKAY, SEE YOU GUYS LATER.

HOLD ON. WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?

VANESSA'S PARENTS WON'T LET HER COME OUT,

SO I'M GOING SHOPPING WITH JOHN AND MIKE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? EVERYTHING'S CLOSED.

HMM.

YOU MEAN LOOTING?

DAD, I LIKE TO CALL IT A BLACKOUT SALE.

YOU'RE ABOUT TO EXPERIENCE A BLACKOUT

IF YOU DON'T SIT YOUR BEHIND DOWN OVER THERE.

OH, COME ON. CAN I PLEASE GO?

I SAVED UP A GOOD ONE FOR YOU. WATCH THIS ONE.

AH....

NAH.

OH, MAN!

YOU NEVER LET ME HAVE ANY FUN.

YOU NEVER LET ME SMOKE POT,

I CAN'T HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX,

I CAN'T JOIN A GANG, I CAN'T CARRY A GUN,

AND NOW WE FINALLY HAVE A BLACKOUT,

AND YOU WON'T LET ME GO LOOT!

I CAN'T WAIT TILL I TURN 30

SO I CAN MOVE OUT OF THIS HOUSE!

LOOK, IT'S NOT SAFE TO BE OUT THERE,

AND AS MUCH AS I HATE IT, WE'RE ALL STUCK TOGETHER.

I'M SORRY, BABY. YOUR DREAM OF NAKED BASKETBALL

IS JUST GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT A LITTLE WHILE LONGER.

Claire: OH, MY GOD!

Jay: WHAT? WHAT?

MY COMPUTER!

I SPENT THE LAST FIVE HOURS FINISHING MY PAPER,

AND NOW IT'S GONE!

OH, AND -- OW!

WELL, DIDN'T YOU SAVE IT, CLAIRE?

NO! AND NOW IT'S GONE,

AND IT'S ONE OF THE BEST PAPERS I'VE EVER WRITTEN!

WELL, I GUESS WE'LL HAVE TO TAKE YOUR WORD FOR THAT ONE.

[ Sobbing ] IT IS, TOO!

CLAIRE, CALM DOWN. CALM DOWN.

YOU CAN ALWAYS REDO IT.

[ Squeaking ] REDO IT? REDO IT? REDO IT?

[ Squeaking ] YES, REDO IT! REDO IT!

BUT HOW AM I GONNA REDO IT WITH NO POWER?

YOU CAN USE YOUR MOTHER'S OLD TYPEWRITER.

HER OLD WHAT?

HER OLD TYPEWRITER.

IT'S UPSTAIRS IN THE ATTIC, NEXT TO THE RECORD PLAYER.

RECORD PLAYER?

THE THING THAT'S SITTING ON TOP OF THE BETAMAX,

BETWEEN THE CABBAGE PATCH DOLLS,

NEXT TO THE DISCO SHOES WITH THE DEAD FISH IN THE HEELS.

ARE WE STILL SPEAKING ENGLISH?

LOOK, JUST SIT DOWN. I'LL GO GET IT, ALL RIGHT?

AND I'LL BRING DOWN SOME MORE FLASHLIGHTS.

I GOT ONE IN MY ROOM. I'LL GO GET IT.

OW! WHO PUT THAT STAIR HERE?

HOW CAN THE BOY FALL UPSTAIRS?

HIS STUPIDITY DEFIES GRAVITY.

Junior: [ Falls ] OW!

JUNIOR!

WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG WITH THE FLASHLIGHT?

I-I CAN'T FIND IT.

WHY NOT?

'CAUSE I CAN'T SEE IT.

WHY NOT?

'CAUSE I DON'T HAVE A FLASHLIGHT.

WHAT?

OPEN THE DOOR.

I CAN'T DO THAT, EITHER.

WHY NOT?

I PUT THE COMBINATION LOCK ON THE DOOR,

AND NOW I CAN'T SEE IT TO UNLOCK IT.

WHY DID YOU LOCK THE DOOR?

I WANTED TO GET NAKED WHILE I LOOKED FOR THE FLASHLIGHT.

CAN'T FAULT YOU FOR THAT.

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO KNOCK DOWN THE DOOR

LIKE IN THE MOVIES.

NO, YOU CAN'T DO THAT BECAUSE THE --

YEAH, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, SON.

LET ME STEP OUT THE WAY. GO AHEAD.

[ BAM ]

OW!

OH, YEAH, THAT'S GOOD. I SAW SOME MOVEMENT!

I THINK WHAT YOU WANT TO DO IS GO A LITTLE HARDER,

A LITTLE HARDER.

[ THUD ]

OWW!

OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!

THE HINGES ARE STARTING TO COME LOOSE.

THIS TIME I WANT YOU TO GO ACROSS THE ROOM,

GIVE YOURSELF A GOOD RUNNING START,

AND THEN JUST COME IN AND LEAD WITH YOUR HEAD.

OKAY!

[ RUNNING ]

[ BAM ]

JUNIOR?

IS THAT YOU, GOD?

I-I... SHALL I WALK INTO THE LIGHT?

Kady: TURN THE FLASHLIGHT BACK ON, MOMMY!

I CAN'T, KADY. THE BATTERIES ARE DEAD.

BUT I'M A-SCARED!

OH...ONE SECOND!

ALL RIGHT, LOOK, YOU WON'T BE SCARED FOR LONG

'CAUSE LOOK -- MOMMY FOUND A CANDLE.

CHECK THIS OUT.

I KNEW I HAD A CANDLE IN HERE.

SEE? AH! LET THERE BE LIGHT.

KADY, WHY DID YOU JUST DO THAT?

IT'S A BIRTHDAY CANDLE! I'M UPPOSED TO BLOW IT OUT!

[ Baby voice ] IT'S A BIRTHDAY CANDLE!

YOU'RE "UPPOSED" TO BLOW IT OUT?

YOU KNOW WHAT, KADY? WATCH THIS.

I'M GONNA LIGHT THIS THING ONE MORE TIME,

JUST SO YOU CAN SEE THIS -- NO, LOOK AT MOMMY.

IT'S NOT CUTE ANYMORE!

MOVE IT!

OKAY, LOOK, I GOT SOME FLASHLIGHTS.

OH, THANK GOD!

YEAH. LET THERE BE LIGHT.

HERE YOU GO, KADY.

ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS IS KIND OF NICE, MICHAEL.

YEAH.

I CAN'T THINK OF ANYBODY BETTER

I WOULD LIKE TO BE IN THE DARK WITH.

MM, THAT IS SO SWEET!

PEACE AND QUIET.

YEAH.

[ BABY CRIES ]

OH, DANG! NOW THE BABY'S AWAKE.

OH, AND -- OW!

MY FLASHLIGHT JUST WENT OUT.

I THINK THE BATTERY'S DEAD!

IT'S OKAY, IT'S OKAY.

JAY, YOU'VE GOT SOME BATTERIES UPSTAIRS, DON'T YOU?

UPSTAIRS WHERE?

MM...IN THE NIGHTSTAND?

OH, TH-THOSE ARE PROBABLY DEAD, TOO. RIGHT.

[ BABY CRIES ]

CLAIRE!

WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT THAT THING UP?

LOOK, I GOT AN IDEA. HERE, GIMME.

THERE YOU GO.

Claire: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I SHUT THE BABY UP,

AND I GOT BATTERIES FOR THE FLASHLIGHTS.

YOU KILLED MY FAKE BABY!

YOU KILLED MY FAKE BABY!

LOOK, CLAIRE, THE BABY HAD TO DIE

SO THAT WE COULD SEE.

UHH!

OKAY...

SO WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO WITH THE REST OF OUR EVENING?

WE HAVE TO MAKE THE BEST OF IT, RIGHT?

I HAVE AN IDEA.

Michael: ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, DIG IN.

THIS IS GREAT,

BUT IT WOULD BE BETTER IF I WERE NAKED.

ARE YOU SURE?

I CAN'T EAT ANY MORE OF THIS ICE CREAM.

IT'S BYPASSING MY STOMACH AND GOING STRAIGHT TO MY THIGHS.

OOH, I HAVE NEVER FELT SO STUFFED IN MY LIFE.

NOW YOU KNOW HOW YOUR BRA FEELS.

SHUT UP, JUNIOR!

Michael: HEY, CALM DOWN. LISTEN.

WE GOT TO EAT UP ALL THIS FOOD

BECAUSE IT WOULD BE A SHAME IF IT GOES TO WASTE

WITH ALL THE PEOPLE STARVING IN THIS WORLD.

YEAH, BUT, DAD, EVEN IF WE ATE IT ALL,

THEY'D STILL BE STARVING, RIGHT?

WHY DID THAT JUST MAKE SENSE?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT YOU KEEP TRACK OF WHAT YOU'RE EATING.

I THINK THAT KNOCKWURST IS MAKING YOU SMARTER.

[ HOO HOO! ]

WHAT WAS THAT?

THAT'S THE SOUND GREMLINS MAKE BEFORE THEY ATTACK.

MOMMY!

HEY!

HOO HOO! HA HA -- OW!

OW, OW!

DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT YOU ARE HER BIG BROTHER

AND YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PROTECT HER,

NOT SCARE HER?

YOU SHOWED HER THE MOVIE.

YEAH, THAT WAS MY MISTAKE, BUT YOU'RE MAKING IT WORSE.

I'M SORRY, DAD.

OKAY. NOW DON'T LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN.

UNLESS IT'S REALLY, REALLY FUNNY.

HA HA. ALL RIGHT.

[ GRUNTING ]

UH... GODZILLA, GODZILLA!

KING KONG?

KING KONG WASHING DISHES, BOY?

YOU GOT IT!

DADDY'S TURN!

OKAY. HERE.

HOLD THE LIGHT. STROBE IT.

I WANT THAT SPECIAL EFFECT. OKAY, HERE WE GO.

Junior: A...BREAKDANCER?

MM-MM.

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE?

All: MICHAEL JACKSON!

[ LAUGHING ]

BINGO! OKAY, WE'RE GONNA PLAY ANOTHER GAME.

WE'LL PLAY "MAKE ME LAUGH OR DIE."

KADY, YOU GO FIRST. COME ON.

I DON'T WANT TO PLAY.

WHY NOT?

'CAUSE YOU GUYS DON'T THINK I'M CUTE ANYMORE.

OF COURSE WE THINK YOU'RE CUTE,

EXCEPT WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO BE CUTE.

THEN NO ONE'S CUTE, WHEN THEY'RE TRYING.

WATCH. LOOK AT THIS.

[ Baby voice ] MY NAME IS MICHAEL KYLE,

AND I'M ONLY THESE MANY YEARS OLD!

SEE HOW OBNOXIOUS THAT WAS?

KADY, WE LIKE IT WHEN YOU'RE JUST BEING YOU.

REALLY? REALLY.

YES.

OKAY. I'LL GO, THEN.

YES!

YEAH. COME ON UP HERE.

THAT'S MY BIG GIRL RIGHT THERE, BOY!

Junior: IF YOU DON'T MAKE US LAUGH,

YOU HAVE TO WATCH "GREMLINS" ALL BY YOURSELF.

NO, JUNIOR!

Kady: IT'S OKAY, MOMMY.

IT'S NOTHING COMPARED TO HANNIBAL LECTER.

AND BESIDES, I'M GONNA MAKE YOU GUYS LAUGH!

OKAY. WE'RE READY.

Claire: ALL RIGHT, GIRL.

OKAY. READY?

All: READY.

HOW MANY HILLBILLIES DOES IT TAKE TO EAT A POSSUM?

Michael: I DON'T KNOW. HOW MANY HILLBILLIES DOES IT TAKE?

TWO -- ONE TO EAT IT, ONE TO WATCH FOR CARS!

[ ALL LAUGHING ]

THAT WAS CUTE.

OHH! WE WERE JUST HAVING FUN, TOO!

HEY, GOT AN IDEA.

[ ALL CHEER ]

OKAY, MY TURN. THIS IS A GOOD ONE.

HA HA! OKAY!

HOW DID THE BUTCHER INTRODUCE HIS WIFE?

Junior: I DON'T KNOW. HOW?

HE SAID, "MEET PATTY."

CLAIRE, YOU GOT TO HURRY UP.

YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE FOR SCHOOL.

JUST ONE MORE SECOND. AND...FINISHED!

AFTER FOUR HOURS TYPING, I FINALLY FINISHED MY PAPER!

GREAT. WHY DIDN'T YOU GO BACK TO USING THE COMPUTER, THOUGH?

I LIKE THIS TYPEWRITER THING. IT'S SO COOL, IT'S SO RETRO.

I THINK THIS PAPER IS BETTER THAN THE ONE I LOST LAST NIGHT.

WELL, GREAT!

NOW ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SHOW ME HOW TO PRINT IT OUT.

YEAH, WELL, I'LL GO GET YOUR MOTHER

AND SHE'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO PRINT THAT OUT.

OKAY.

BABY!

COME ON, DAD. CAN I PLEASE GO?

I SAVED UP A SPECIAL ONE FOR THIS.

AH...

OW!

WHO PUT THAT TABLE THERE?

[ BUMPS INTO PIANO ]

WHO PUT THE TV -- OH.