Original subtitles

HEY, BEAUTIFUL.

HEY, SWEETIE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HOME THIS EARLY?

I WASN'T EXPECTING YOU UNTIL LATER.

I TOOK OFF A LITTLE EARLY

SO THAT I COULD GET OFF A LITTLE EARLY.

OH...CLAIRE'S HOME.

GREAT.

BUT SHE SHOULD BE LEAVING FOR WORK ANY MINUTE NOW.

OH, GOOD.

AS SOON AS SHE'S GONE, I WILL EMPLOY MY EVIL PLOT

TO GET YOUR PANTIES.

HA HA HA! YOU ARE SO BAD.

WHAT'S IN THE BAG?

NO, NO, THESE ARE MY TOOLS OF SEDUCTION.

WE START WITH CHOCOLATE-COVERED STRAWBERRIES.

[ EVIL LAUGHTER ]

AND THEN WE MOVE ON TO THE DOM PERIGNON.

OH, BABY, ALL RIGHT.

[ Laughing ] AND -- AND --

AND LAST...

BUT NOT LEAST,

WE HAVE THE ULTIMATE CHICK FLICK --

"BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S."

OH, BABY!

[ EVIL LAUGHTER ]

THIS IS SO SWEET.

YOU KNOW, THIS IS MY FAVORITE MOVIE.

I MUST HAVE SEEN THIS 10 TIMES ALREADY.

I KNOW, SO YOU WON'T MIND WHEN WE MISS THE ENDING.

[ EVIL LAUGHTER ]

OKAY, THE LAUGH -- THE LAUGH, IT'S CREEPING ME OUT.

THAT'S ENOUGH.

WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE?

HEE HEE HEE HEE! HEE HEE HEE!

HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA!

GO BACK TO THE OTHER ONE.

[ EVIL LAUGHTER ]

JUST -- JUST BE QUIET.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I AM THE LUCKIEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD.

I'M THE LUCKIEST MAN IN THE WORLD.

YEAH? WELL, AS SOON AS CLAIRE LEAVES,

MAYBE WE CAN COMBINE OUR LUCK.

YOU KNOW, I THINK RICK JAMES SAID IT BEST

WHEN SHE SAID... ♪ GIVE IT TO ME ♪

♪ GIVE ME THAT STUFF, THAT FUNK, THAT SWEET, THAT FUNKY STUFF ♪

♪ SAY WHAT? ♪

♪ GIVE IT TO ME ♪

♪ GIVE ME THAT STUFF, THAT FUNK -- ♪

EW, YOU PEOPLE ARE GROSS. YOU'VE BEEN MARRIED FOREVER.

WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO START ACTING LIKE IT?

HOPEFULLY NEVER.

YEAH. DON'T YOU HAVE SOMEWHERE TO BE GOING,

YOUNG LADY?

YES, I DO, THANK GOD.

GOOD. LET ME WALK YOU TO THE DOOR.

HAVE A NICE TRIP. SEE YA. BYE-BYE. DON'T FORGET TO WRITE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

BEFORE I GO, I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT THIS WHOLE

ME-CONTRIBUTING- TO-THE-HOUSEHOLD IDEA.

UH, WHAT ABOUT THAT?

I DON'T WANT TO DO IT.

WELL, SWEETIE, THIS IS A FAMILY TRADITION, OKAY?

WHEN I WAS A YOUNG MAN, I GAVE HALF MY PAYCHECK

TO THE HOUSEHOLD, AND NOW THAT YOU'RE WORKING,

YOU WILL CONTINUE THE LEGACY.

IT WAS NICE TALKING TO YOU. I'M GLAD WE DISCUSSED IT.

BON VOYAGE. SAYONARA. HASTA LA VISTA, BABY.

ARE THOSE CHOCOLATE-COVERED STRAWBERRIES?

YEAH. YOU WANT ONE?

YEAH!

YEAH, LOOK. YOU SMELL THAT? SMELL THE STRAWBERRY.

NO GO GET IT! GO GET THE STRAWBERRY, BABY!

GO GET IT! GO AHEAD!

BON VOYAGE. SEE YA. BYE-BYE.

[ SIGHS ]

NOW... WHERE WERE WE?

♪ GIVE IT TO ME ♪

♪ GIVE ME THAT STUFF, THAT FUNK, THAT SWEET, THAT FUNKY STUFF ♪

♪ GIVE IT TO ME, GIVE IT TO ME ♪

♪ OW! GIVE IT TO ME, GIVE IT TO ME ♪

♪ GIVE ME THAT STUFF ♪

♪ THAT SWEET, FUNKY ♪

♪ OH...OW! ♪

UNH...

UNH-UNH.

[ CLICKING TONGUE ]

AH-CHOO!

YUCK!

[ SOBBING ]

MOMMY!

HEY, DAD.

HMM?

CAN I HAVE SOME MONEY?

"HAVE"?

LISTEN, "HAVE" IMPLIES THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO BORROW,

WHICH MEANS YOU'RE NOT GOING TO PAY IT BACK,

SO THE ANSWER IS NO.

OKAY. CAN I BORROW SOME MONEY?

"BORROW" IMPLIES THAT YOU PLAN ON PAYING IT BACK,

BUT I KNOW YOU WON'T, SO THE ANSWER'S STILL NO.

I CAN'T WIN.

"WIN" IMPLIES THAT YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO PLAY WITH,

WHICH I KNOW YOU DON'T, SO THE ANSWER REMAINS NO.

COME ON, DAD, I'M BROKE,

AND I NEED A NEW MUFFLER FOR MY CAR.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR ALLOWANCE?

I BOUGHT SOME JEANS.

SEE, THAT'S WASTEFUL.

WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE -- HERE WE GO. FORGET IT.

NO, NO, GET BACK HERE.

WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, I MOWED LAWNS,

I HAD A PAPER ROUTE,

I USED TO CARRY PACKAGES HOME FROM THE SUPERMARKET.

I KNOW, DAD. AND YOU WASHED DISHES,

YOU FOLDED LAUNDRY, YOU RAISED SEA MONKEYS.

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I DID.

THE SEA MONKEY BUSINESS -- YOU KNOW WHAT?

FOR $2, I'D GET A PACK OF 75 SEA MONKEYS,

AND I'D SELL THEM FOR 50 CENTS APIECE.

AND HERE'S THE BRILLIANCE. THIS IS WHERE

THE ENTREPRENEURIAL SPIRIT CAME IN.

SEE, THEY HAD TO BUY TWO SEA MONKEYS.

OTHERWISE, ONE OF THE SEA MONKEYS WOULD DIE

IF IT DIDN'T HAVE ANOTHER SEA MONKEY TO SEE.

SEE?

I'M SORRY ABOUT THE SEA MONKEYS, DAD.

LOOK, JUNIOR, THE POINT IS, WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE,

I WASN'T ASKING MY PARENTS FOR MONEY.

I HAD MY OWN HUSTLE.

WELL, YOU HAD TO.

YOUR DAD DIDN'T HAVE ANY MONEY.

YEAH, WELL, YOUR DAD HAS MONEY,

BUT HE'S KEEPING IT ALL TO HIMSELF.

EXCEPT...

HERE'S $2.

$2? FOR WHAT?

YOU START YOUR OWN SEA MONKEY BUSINESS.

THANKS FOR NOTHING.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

HEY.

HEY, BABY.

HEY, SWEETIE, HOW ARE YOU?

OH, I JUST TOOK A GREAT NAP.

YEAH? GOOD. BABY, GUESS WHAT.

WHAT?

I JUST SIGNED US UP

FOR THE MOST REMARKABLE EXPERIENCE.

WHAT?

OKAY, LISTEN, HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF DR. JACK MASON?

YEAH, HE'S THE JEWISH COMEDIAN. TALKS LIKE THIS.

[ As Jackie Mason ] HE SAYS, "MISTER, I'M TALKING TO YOU."

"YOU TALKING TO ME?" "I'M TALKING TO YOU."

"TALKING TO ME?"

AND EVERYTHING ENDS WITH A BOOM!

NO, HE'S THIS RELATIONSHIP GURU.

HE'S ALWAYS ON "OPRAH."

HE'S ALWAYS ON "OPRAH"? HE BETTER GET OFF.

HE MIGHT FALL AND BREAK HIS NECK.

BABY, NO. LISTEN, HE'S HAVING A SEMINAR,

HE'S ONLY HERE FOR ONE DAY,

AND THE SEMINAR IS CALLED "OPEN YOUR HEART."

"OPEN YOUR HEART"? I'D RATHER OPEN A VEIN. LOOK.

WOULD YOU STOP? [ Normal voice ] COME ON, JAY.

BABY, NO, THIS IS GONNA BE FUN.

PLUS, THE $400 FEE IS NON-REFUNDABLE.

$400?

[ As Jackie Mason ] WHAT? IT'S A BARGAIN.

BOOM.

BABY, LISTEN. BOOM. WHAT?

ARE WE NOT HAPPY?

[ Normal voice ] YES. YES.

DID I NOT COME HOME IN THE MIDDLE OF THE AFTERNOON

WITH CHAMPAGNE AND STRAWBERRIES?

YOU SURE DID.

DID WE NOT GET BUSY ON THE KITCHEN TABLE?

REMEMBER THAT? IT WAS FUN, TOO.

OKAY.

BABE, BUT I WANT US TO BE HAPPY FOREVER.

DON'T YOU WANT US TO BE PERFECT?

WE ARE PERFECT.

LISTEN, IF IT'S NOT BROKE, DON'T SEMINAR IT.

YOU'RE NOT LOOKING AT IT RIGHT, OKAY?

THIS IS LIKE PREVENTATIVE MAINTENANCE.

IT'S THE EQUIVALENT OF GETTING AN OIL CHANGE

FOR YOUR CAR BEFORE THE ENGINE BREAKS DOWN.

OH! SEE?

I DON'T GET IT.

MICHAEL, COME ON, DO THIS FOR ME.

IT'S JUST FOR ONE NIGHT.

JAY, I HATE ALL THIS TOUCHY-FEELY

"WOMEN ARE FROM MARS" --

SEE, IT'S NOT EVEN ABOUT THAT.

IT'S ABOUT COMMUNICATION. THAT'S IT.

OKAY, WELL, LET ME COMMUNICATE WITH YOU RIGHT NOW, OKAY?

OKAY.

I DON'T WANT TO DO THE SEMINAR!

COME ON, BABY, JUST DO THIS FOR ME FOR ONE NIGHT.

COME ON, PLEASE? THIS IS IMPORTANT TO ME.

IT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU? IT REALLY, REALLY IS.

OKAY, I'LL DO IT. BUT...

YOU WILL? BUT WHAT?

[ As Jackie Mason ] I WANT A FREE LUBE JOB

WITH MY OIL CHANGE.

Both: BOOM!

YEAH, THAT'S WITH IT.

GUESS WHAT I'VE GOT IN MY HOT LITTLE HAND.

WHAT'S THAT?

MY FIRST PAYCHECK!

OH, BABY! I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!

YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO? WE SHOULD FRAME THIS.

NEGATIVE $23?

YEAH, BUT LOOK AT ALL THE CUTE TOPS I GOT. SEE?

CLAIRE, YOU KNOW YOUR DADDY'S NOT GONNA BE HAPPY ABOUT THIS.

YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?

Junior: I'M THE BEST. YOU'RE NEVER GONNA BEAT ME.

HEY, GUYS.

HEY, MOM. HEY, CLAIRE, DID YOU GET THAT PAIR OF JEANS

I ASKED YOU TO PICK UP FOR ME?

OH, YEAH, RIGHT HERE. YES.

THANK YOU.

DANG, CLAIRE, THAT'S A WHOLE LOT OF BAGS YOU GOT THERE.

WHAT, DID YOU ROB A STORE? HA HA HA HA.

NO. THIS MIGHT SEEM LIKE A FOREIGN CONCEPT

TO YOU PROFESSIONAL UNDERACHIEVERS,

BUT I ACTUALLY HAVE A JOB.

SO HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU?

WELL, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN $70,

BUT WITH MY 40% EMPLOYEE DISCOUNT,

YOU ONLY OWE ME $42.

WELL, I CAN'T PAY YOU IN CASH,

BUT WHEN I OPEN THIS BAG OF SEA MONKEYS,

YOU HAVE THE PICK OF THE LITTER!

EW! I DON'T WANT ANY STUPID SEA MONKEYS!

NO! CLAIRE!

YOU JUST RUINED MY HUSTLE!

I WILL CLEAN IT UP. JUST GET OUT OF HERE.

PLEASE, JUST GET OUT OF HERE.

BUT THE SEA MONKEYS, MOM!

GET THIS BOY GONE!

I SWEAR TO --

MAN, THAT SUCKS.

WHERE AM I GONNA GET ANOTHER BAG OF SEA MONKEYS

ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE?

YO, HEADQUARTERS,

YOU'RE SITTING ON A GOLD MINE HERE.

YUP. GOLD.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?

LOOK, YOUR SISTER GETS A 40% DISCOUNT

AT WHAT BECOMES YOU, RIGHT?

RIGHT.

SO, WHAT IF WE HAVE HER BUY A WHOLE BUNCH OF CLOTHES

AT DISCOUNT PRICE?

AND THEN WE RETURN THEM FOR THE FULL PRICE.

YEAH, BUT ISN'T THAT DISHONEST?

NOT IF YOU TAKE IT TO A DIFFERENT LOCATION.

YEAH. THEN IT'S JUST BUSINESS.

WELL, I NEED A NEW BUSINESS.

THE SEA MONKEY DREAM IS DEAD.

HEY, JUST THINK --

IT COULD BE OUR HUSTLE, MAN.

YEAH, AND MY DAD SAID I SHOULD HUSTLE MORE.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO IT.

UGH! WHAT IS THAT?

EW!

IT'S EITHER GOOD MEAT OR BAD GUACAMOLE.

MAN, ANYTHING'S BETTER THAN THESE PRETZELS.

ISN'T THIS GREAT?

NOW YOU TELL HER YOU LOVE HER.

I LOVE YOU, BABY.

OH, I LOVE YOU, TOO, BABY.

LET'S GIVE THEM A HAND. COME ON.

BABY, WE GOT OUR $400's WORTH.

COME ON, THERE'S TOO MANY PEOPLE.

LET'S GO. WE DON'T NEED THIS.

WELL, WE DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO WELCOME

OUR CHATTY LITTLE COUPLE.

WHAT ARE YOUR NAMES?

JAY AND MICHAEL KYLE.

AND HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

LOOK, DOC, WE ARE THE HAPPIEST COUPLE IN THE WORLD.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY WE'RE HERE.

SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP

IS PRETTY MUCH PERFECT.

YEP, THAT'S WHAT WE'RE SAYING.

WELL, I GOT A NEWS FLASH FOR YOU, BUDDY.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A "PERFECT" RELATIONSHIP.

AND DENIAL IS NOT JUST A RIVER IN EGYPT.

I DON'T LIKE YOU.

THAT'S GOOD. THAT IS EXCELLENT.

NOW YOU'RE BEING HONEST.

AND HE'S RIGHT NOT TO LIKE ME.

I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND!

I'M THE MAN WHO'S GOING TO PUT TRUTH

INTO YOUR RELATIONSHIPS.

NOW, YOU TWO, COME ON UP HERE.

COME ON, MICHAEL, LET'S SHOW THEM WHAT A HAPPY COUPLE IS.

BABY, I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS. NO, BABY, COME HERE!

MICHAEL, ARE YOU AFRAID OF SOMETHING?

DO YOU HAVE SOME WEAKNESS THAT COULD GET EXPOSED?

[ CHUCKLING ]

HEY, NOTHING WEAK ABOUT THIS HERE.

THEN ACCEPT MY CHALLENGE. COME ON UP HERE

AND TEST THE DEPTHS OF YOUR COMMITMENT.

COME ON. COME ON.

ALL RIGHT, COME ON UP.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

HAVE A SEAT.

NOW, THE KEY TO A TRULY SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP

IS THE ABILITY TO COMMUNICATE HONESTLY

AND TO RECEIVE CRITICISM WITH AN OPEN HEART.

PLEASE FACE EACH OTHER.

HEY.

HI.

GOOD.

LOOK, DOC, YOU'RE ABOUT TO LOSE ALL YOUR CREDIBILITY HERE.

I MEAN...WE'RE IN LOVE.

THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY.

NOW, WHATEVER YOUR PARTNER SENDS TO YOU,

YOU MUST HEAR IT,

AND THEN REPEAT THE PHRASE, "I CAN ACCEPT THAT,

AND MY HEART IS STILL OPEN."

THAT'S IT? OKAY. THAT'S IT.

THIS IS GONNA BE A BREEZE.

OKAY, LET'S BEGIN, STARTING WITH YOU, MICHAEL.

I WANT YOU TO LOOK JAY IN THE EYE AND TELL HER

SOMETHING YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT HER.

WELL, TO BE HONEST,

THIS IS THE PICTURE OF PERFECTION,

AND THERE'S NOTHING THAT I DON'T LIKE ABOUT MY BABY.

OH...

OH, REALLY?

WELL, WHAT I AM HEARING

IS YOU DON'T THINK

YOUR SO-CALLED FANTASTIC RELATIONSHIP

IS STRONG ENOUGH TO WITHSTAND

A FEW MINOR CRITICISMS.

THERE IS NO GROWTH WITHOUT RISK.

[ APPLAUSE ]

GO AHEAD. BABY, GO AHEAD. I CAN HANDLE IT.

IF YOU DIG REALLY, REALLY, REALLY DEEP,

I'M SURE YOU CAN COME UP WITH SOMETHING.

COME ON.

OKAY, I'LL PLAY THE LITTLE GAME, JACK.

ALL RIGHT. LET'S SEE. UH...

I DON'T LIKE THE PANTS YOU'RE WEARING.

I CAN ACCEPT THAT, AND MY HEART IS STILL OPEN.

GOOD. YOUR TURN.

UM, I DON'T LIKE THE JACKET YOU'RE WEARING.

I CAN ACCEPT THAT, AND MY HEART IS STILL OPEN.

OKAY, WE'RE --

OKAY, LET'S DIG A LITTLE DEEPER NOW.

DEEPER, HUH?

YEAH.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

OKAY. SOMETIMES YOU SNORE AT NIGHT,

AND IT SOUNDS LIKE I'M BED WITH A LITTLE BEAR.

I CAN ACCEPT THAT, AND MY HEART IS STILL OPEN.

OH.

I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN YOU FLOSS YOUR TEETH

AND YOU LEAVE THAT LITTLE NASTY STRING AROUND.

IT STINKS.

I CAN ACCEPT THAT,

AND MY HEART IS STILL OPEN.

NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE.

DIG EVEN DEEPER.

DEEPER?

OH, YEAH.

SOMETIMES YOU'RE TOO AGGRESSIVE.

IT'S EMASCULATING.

I FEEL LIKE I'M HANGING OUT WITH A DUDE.

[ AUDIENCE OOHs ]

I CAN ACCEPT THAT, AND MY HEART IS STILL OPEN.

SOMETIMES YOUR BEADY LITTLE EYES GIVE ME THE CREEPS.

I CAN ACCEPT THAT, AND MY HEART IS STILL OPEN.

SOMETIMES WHEN YOU WALK,

THE SOUND OF YOUR THIGHS RUBBING TOGETHER

MAKES THE HAIR ON THE BACK OF MY NECK STAND UP.

[ AUDIENCE OOHs ]

WHAT HAIR, BALDY?

AND I THOUGHT YOU'D BE USED TO THAT SOUND

SINCE YOUR MAMA'S BIG FAT THIGHS

ALWAYS RUBBED TOGETHER.

MY MAMA? YOU BRING UP MAMA?

I SAID IT. HIS MAMA. I SAID IT.

WHAT HAPPENED TO "MY HEART IS STILL OPEN"?

OH, DON'T GIVE ME THAT, MR. 3-MINUTE MAN.

THREE MINUTES? THAT'S ALL IT IS.

WHY YOU BRING UP ALL OUR BUSINESS OUT HERE?

WHAT?

YEAH. THREE MINUTES?

YOU HEARD ME.

YEAH, IT TAKES ME 25 MINUTES TO GET YOUR DRAWERS OFF.

[ AUDIENCE OOHs ]

I'VE NEVER BEEN SO HUMILIATED

IN ALL MY LIFE!

YEAH, WELL, IT'S YOUR FAULT.

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WANTED TO GO

TO THE HOMEWRECKER SEMINAR!

OH, SO YOU DECIDE TO PUNISH ME

BY TURNING IT INTO AN EPISODE OF "THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW"?

I WAS JUST PLAYING THE GAME, JACK.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I AM SO MAD RIGHT NOW, I JUST --

I DON'T --

I DON'T EVEN WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS ANYMORE, OKAY?

CAN YOU PLEASE JUST LOCK THE DOOR, OKAY?

I WOULD DO IT MYSELF, BUT THE SOUND

OF MY HUMONGOUS THIGHS RUBBING TOGETHER

MIGHT SHATTER YOUR EARDRUMS.

SURE, I'LL GET IT.

I JUST HOPE MY BEADY LITTLE EYES CAN SEE THE LOCK.

WELL, I HOPE YOUR BEADY LITTLE EYES CAN SEE THE COUCH, TOO,

'CAUSE THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE GONNA BE SLEEPING TONIGHT.

I CAN ACCEPT, AND MY HEART IS STILL OPEN.

YEAH, WELL, MY LEGS ARE STILL CLOSED.

$260...

$280...

$300.

THIS, MY FRIENDS, IS WHAT WE MADE

FROM OUR VERY FIRST TRANSACTION.

GIVE ME DAP.

THAT'S TIGHT. ISN'T IT?

NOW WE SET THIS $100 ASIDE

AND SPLIT THE REMAINING $200 BETWEEN THE THREE OF US.

ALL RIGHT, SO, UH, $75 FOR YOU...

THANK YOU.

$75 FOR ME, 'CAUSE I GOTTA GET MINE.

AND A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR YOU.

$50? HOW COME I ONLY GET $50?

BECAUSE IT WAS OUR IDEA.

YEAH. OURS.

BUT IT WAS MY SISTER'S DISCOUNT.

OH, YEAH. ALL RIGHT, GIVE ME BACK $20.

THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.

NOW, HERE'S THE GENIUS PART, GUYS.

WE REINVEST IN THE BUSINESS.

EVERYBODY KICKS IN $30, WHICH WE ADD TO THE $100,

THEREBY INCREASING OUR GROSS NATIONAL PRODUCT.

I'M A GENIUS.

YOU'RE A GENIUS.

BUT NOW I'VE GOT NOTHING.

NO, THINK ABOUT IT. YOU BROKE EVEN.

EVEN...BROKE.

OKAY.

WHICH IS EXACTLY WHERE YOU WANT TO BE AT RIGHT NOW.

YO, MIKE, GO GET THE PHONE BOOK OVER THERE

AND PICK THE NEXT STORE WE'RE GONNA HIT.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

ALL RIGHT, YOU GIVE THIS TO CLAIRE

AND TELL HER TO BUY SOME MORE CLOTHES.

THIS IS HOW WE'RE GONNA GET RICH, MAN.

MO' MONEY, MO' MONEY, MO' MONEY!

THAT'S SO OLD, G.

Man on TV: OH, MY GOD, WHAT A MOVE! PASS IT! PASS IT!

JAY, I'M TRYING TO WATCH THE GAME.

WHAT ARE YOU -- OW!

LOOK, THIS AREA IS FINE. DON'T CLEAN UP HERE.

I GOT THIS. I WILL TAKE CARE --

OKAY, BUT STILL WITH THE SILENT TREATMENT, RIGHT?

STILL WITH THE SILENT TREATMENT.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I LIKE THIS BETTER THAN THE GAME, ANYWAY.

LOOK AT THAT BOUNCING AROUND. I LIKE THAT.

Man on TV: AND IT'S THE LAST FIVE SECONDS OF OVERTIME.

WHAT AN INCREDIBLE GAME.

IT ALL COMES DOWN TO THIS FINAL SHOT.

[ VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING ]

OH!

OKAY? NOW JUST STAND HERE AND WATCH THE GAME.

OH, MY GOD, WHAT A MOVE!

WHERE YOU GOING? WHERE YOU GOING?

PLUG THAT BACK IN! YOU PLUG THAT BACK IN!

YOU TALKED. HA! I GOT YOU TO TALK.

NO, NO! I TALKED BECAUSE I WANTED TO.

NO, YOU'RE TALKING BECAUSE I TRICKED YOU.

LIKE THAT'S SOME KIND OF MASTER PLAN.

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ] I TRICKED YOU, I TRICKED YOU!

GET THE PHONE.

GRAB THE PHONE.

NO. I DON'T WANT TO DO IT. YOU DO IT.

YOU GET IT. FINE. FINE. THEN LET IT RING.

LET IT RING THEN. FINE. FINE.

FINE. FINE.

Michael's voice: YOU'VE REACHED THE KYLES' RESIDENCE.

PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE, AND WE'LL GET BACK TO YOU.

Woman: THIS IS THE NURSE FROM KADY'S SCHOOL.

KADY'S HAD AN ACCIDENT, AND WE'RE TRYING TO GET --

HELLO? HELLO? WHAT HAPPENED?

OH, MY GOD, OKAY, WE'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

WHAT -- WHAT -- WHAT HAPPENED, BABY?

KADY FELL OFF THE JUNGLE GYM. SHE'S IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM.

OKAY, COME ON, LET'S GO.

MAY I HELP YOU?

YES, ARE YOU THE MANAGER?

YES.

AND THE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH.

OH, CONGRATULATIONS.

I NEED A REFUND ON THESE ITEMS.

IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THEM?

UH, YES. THE NECK HOLES ARE TOO SMALL.

AH, I CAN SEE THAT.

JUNIOR?

CLAIRE?

YOU KNOW HIM?

YEAH, HE'S MY BROTHER.

AREN'T THESE THE CLOTHES YOU PURCHASED

WITH YOUR DISCOUNT THE OTHER DAY?

THEY ARE... BUT I HAD NO IDEA

HE WAS GONNA TRY TO GET A REFUND ON THEM.

THIS IS VERY BAD, CLAIRE.

I KNOW.

I HATE TO HAVE TO DO THIS,

BUT YOU ARE FIRED.

GET YOUR THINGS AND GET OUT.

YOUR RETAIL CAREER IN THIS TOWN IS OVER,

BABY.

OH, CLAIRE, I AM SO SORRY.

YEAH, YOU SURE ARE SORRY.

THIS JOB WAS IMPORTANT TO ME.

NOW I'VE GOT A MARK ON MY RECORD.

I SAID I WAS SORRY.

YEAH, I HEARD YOU, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

YOU NEED TO CHANGE THE WAY YOU ARE, JUNIOR,

AND GET RID OF THOSE LOSER FRIENDS.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE MY BIG BROTHER.

I WISH YOU'D ACT LIKE ONE.

OKAY, NOW, YOU OPEN UP THESE SEA MONKEYS

AND PUT THEM IN A GLASS OF WATER,

AND IN NO TIME, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE 75 NEW FRIENDS

THAT LOOK JUST LIKE JUNIOR.

THANKS, DADDY.

OKAY, NOW GO UPSTAIRS AND PUT ALL YOUR TOYS AWAY.

YOU KNOW, THIS IS A GOOD HUSTLE.

I THINK TOMORROW I'LL FALL OFF THE SWING SET.

Jay: GET OUT OF HERE.

[ BOTH SIGH ]

BABY, I WAS SO SCARED.

I KNOW, BUT SHE'S OKAY.

JUST A BRUISED ELBOW, A LITTLE BUMP ON THE HEAD.

[ SIGHS ]

YOU ARE MY ROCK.

YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?

I AM SO SORRY I'VE BEEN ACTING

SO STUPIDLY THESE PAST COUPLE OF DAYS.

BABY, WE'VE BOTH BEEN ACTING STUPID.

NO, MICHAEL, I DRAGGED YOU

TO THAT RIDICULOUS RELATIONSHIP SEMINAR.

YOU ARE A WONDERFUL PARTNER.

I COULDN'T ASK FOR ANYBODY BETTER.

NEITHER CAN I.

COME ON, GIVE ME THAT FUNK, THAT SWEET, THAT FUNKY STUFF.

SAY WHAT?

♪ GIVE IT TO ME ♪

[ LAUGHS ]

BYE, GUYS.

BYE, BABY. HEY, HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR NEW JOB?

OH, IT'S GREAT.

THE PEOPLE AT ANN TAYLOR ARE FABULOUS.

HEY, DO YOU THINK THERE'S A REAL ANN TAYLOR?

I'M SURE THERE IS.

MOST DESIGNERS NAME THEIR STORES AFTER THEMSELVES --

HUGO BOSS, CALVIN KLEIN, RALPH LAUREN.

YEAH. I WENT TO SCHOOL WITH THE GUY

WHO STARTED PIC 'N' SAVE.

THEY USED TO CALL HIM THAT 'CAUSE HE USED TO PICK --

EW! AND THEN SAVE THEM.

THAT'S REAL DISGUSTING.

HEY, DAD, I WAS THINKING,

MAYBE YOU SHOULD LIGHTEN UP ON JUNIOR'S PUNISHMENT.

AFTER ALL, HE DID GIVE THE MONEY BACK,

AND HE APOLOGIZED.

WELL, SWEETIE, I'M NOT READY TO GIVE IN

ON THIS PUNISHMENT JUST YET.

BESIDES, YOUR BROTHER LOVES THOSE DISCOUNT CLOTHES

YOU GET HIM, RIGHT?

HEY, JUNIOR, WILL YOU HURRY UP WITH THE SNACKS IN HERE?

Junior: I'M COMING!

[ WOLF WHISTLE ]

LOOK AT MY SEXY SON.

GET OVER HERE, YOU PRETTY LITTLE THING.

COME HERE.

YOU SURE HAVE PRETTY LEGS, JUNIOR.

I THINK YOU NEED TO SHAVE THEM, THOUGH, SON.

IT DOESN'T GET ANY WORSE THAN THIS.

ON THE CONTRAIRE, MY DEAR.

I NEED YOU TO RUN DOWN TO THE VIDEO STORE

AND GET ME A COPY OF "TO WONG FOO."

[ JAY LAUGHING ]

YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?

All: UH...NO.

YOU ARE A CRUEL, VINDICTIVE MAN.

I CAN ACCEPT THAT, AND MY HEART IS STILL OPEN.

HEY, CLAIRE, DOES THIS DRESS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST,

WE HAVE MY FAVORITE CHICK FLICK --

"BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S."

[ EVIL LAUGHTER ]

OH, BABY, YOU SPIT ALL OVER ME!