Original subtitles

[ LAUGHTER ]

HERE YOU GO.

EW, VEGETABLES?

WE'RE NOT GERBILS.

IT'S A VEGETABLE MEDLEY, CLAIRE.

WE WANT CHIPS.

YEAH, AND COOKIES AND POPCORN

COVERED IN HOT SAUCE.

LOOK AT THE THREE OF YOU --

ALL YOU DO IS SIT AROUND EATING JUNK, WATCHING TV ALL DAY.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU GET THESE BAD HABITS FROM.

HEY, WHAT'S ON TV? OH, LOOK, CARTOONS! YEAH.

♪ FROGGY WENT A-COURTIN' HE DID RIDE ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHAT'S UP WITH THE VEGETABLES?

Y'ALL TURN INTO GERBILS OUT HERE? WHAT'S THAT?

OKAY, I'M FINISHED WAITING ON ALL OF YOU!

I'M FINISHED BEING YOUR MAID, YOUR COOK, YOUR PERSONAL VALET,

AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE? AND I'M ABOUT THIS CLOSE

FROM BEING FINISHED AS YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE.

WOW, SHE TAKES THEM VEGETABLES SERIOUS.

YEAH.

LET ME GO TALK TO HER.

OH, THE JOYS OF MARRIAGE.

HEY, BABY, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

NO! NOTHING'S WRONG. EVERYTHING'S FINE.

EVERYTHING'S PERFECT.

OKAY. GOOD. NO. EVER SINCE I STOPPED WORKING FOR YOU,

I'VE BEEN STUCK IN THIS HOUSE

TAKIN' CARE OF YOUR KIDS, LIVIN' OUT YOUR LITTLE FANTASY.

THAT'S NOT MY FANTASY.

MY FANTASY IS YOU AND SALMA HAYEK BUTT-NAKED--

SHUT UP, MICHAEL.

CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I DON'T HAVE A LIFE OF MY OWN?

EVERYTHING I DO IS FOR EVERYBODY ELSE.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM IS?

EVERYTHING! IF I WAS LIVIN' IN THE HOUSE ALONE,

MAYBE WITH A CAT,

I'D BE DOIN' SOMETHING A LITTLE BIT MORE STIMULATING!

OKAY, YOU WANT ME TO GET YOU A CAT, I'LL GET YOU A CAT.

A LITTLE CUTE LITTLE--

I DON'T WANT NO DAMN CAT! I WANT A LIFE, MICHAEL!

I KEEP SAYIN' THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

I'M LIKE A HAMSTER IN A WHEEL.

THERE'S A LOVELY VEGETABLE MEDLEY BACK THERE FOR YOU.

STOP IT, MICHAEL -- AIN'T IN THE MOOD.

I'M JUST TRYING TO LIGHTEN THINGS UP.

COME ON, BABY. LISTEN...

WE CAN MAKE SOME CHANGES.

WE CAN START BY YOU NOT DOING EVERYTHING FOR EVERYBODY.

NO, NO! THEN I REALLY WON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO.

YOU SURE? YES, BABE.

YOU POSITIVE ABOUT THAT? YES!

OKAY. THEN COULD YOU FIX ME A SANDWICH? I'M STARVING.

RUN. RUN. HUH?

WHAT'D I SAY?

RUN HARD AND FAST.

LET ME KNOW WHAT I DID, OKAY?

AND AFTER ALL THAT, MY CLIENT WAS ACQUITTED OF ALL CHARGES.

WOW, SO YOU'RE LIKE JOHNNIE COCHRAN.

NO, NO, NO, YOU MEAN "JOHNNIE COPYCAT."

THE MAN STOLE EVERYTHING FROM ME --

THE SUITS, THE MUSTACHE, THE WHOLE "RHYMING THING."

I STARTED THAT --

IF IT'S NOT HIS GUN, YOU MUST LET HIM RUN.

THAT WAS YOU.

1987.

SO, WAIT A MINUTE -- WHY'D YOU QUIT?

WELL, I GOT BORED.

I GOT A DIVORCE, AND AFTER THAT,

I DECIDED TO EMBARK ON A NEW AND WONDERFUL ADVENTURE

THAT LOOKS A LOT LIKE YOU.

YOU'RE A REAL SMOOTHY.

[ Lisping ] YEAH, HE'S A SMOOTHY -- A FRUIT SMOOTHY.

THERE YOU ARE, YOU CHEATIN' LITTLE SNAKE!

YOU LEAVE YOUR TOOTHPASTE AT MY HOUSE,

WHICH, BY THE WAY, YOU SQUEEZED IN THE MIDDLE

AFTER I REPEATEDLY SPANKED YOUR LITTLE HAIRY BEHIND

AND TOLD YOU NOT TO.

HE'S GOT THE SAME MUSTACHE ON HIS BEHIND.

DON'T YOU MAKE THEM FACES.

YOU KNOW I-I CAN'T RESIST IT

WHEN YOU POKE THAT BOTTOM LIP OUT AT ME.

YOU'RE GONNA KILL ME?

I'LL SCREAM BLOODY MURDER.

AAHHH!

DON'T TOUCH ME LIKE THAT!

WAIT, THIS IS A FRIEND OF MINE.

HE'S JUST JOKING.

SO NOW I'M A BIG JOKE TO YOU?

WHAT ABOUT WHEN WE WERE FLOATING ON A RAFT IN NEGILA

AND YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU LOVED ME

AND WANTED TO COMMIT TO MY LIFE AND BE MY LIFE PARTNER?

WAS IT ALL LIES? WAS IT THE ALCOHOL TALKING?

[ LAUGHS ]

[ Normal voice ] SHE WAS HOT, DUDE.

HEH HEH. YEAH, SHE WAS HOT.

I'M GONNA GET YOU BACK FOR THIS.

NO, WE'RE EVEN. WE ARE NEVER EVEN.

HOW YOU BEEN, MAN? YOU LOOK GREAT.

I'M GONNA GET YOU A DRINK. I FEEL GREAT, TOO, MAN.

WOW.

SINCE THE DIVORCE, MAN, I WAKE UP WHISTLIN' EVERY MORNING,

AND I GOT NOBODY AT MY HOUSE TALKIN' 'BOUT,

"WHY YOU SO HAPPY?" [ BOTH LAUGH ]

I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT THAT'S LIKE, MAN.

I'VE BEEN MARRIED 15 YEARS -- FEELS LIKE FOREVER.

YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY -- "THE ASS IS ALWAYS GREENER..."

[ LAUGHS ]

THAT'S FUNNY. YEAH.

NOT REALLY, MAN, 'CAUSE THE TRUTH IS, MIKE,

IF I HAD A WOMAN LIKE JAY, I'D STILL BE MARRIED, MAN.

SO HOW IS SHE ANYWAY?

SHE'S GREAT. COME ON, TALK TO ME.

NO, IT'S COOL -- YOU KNOW, MARRIAGE IS-- MIKE.

IT'S THE UPS AND -- MICHAEL!

OKAY, SHE'S DRIVING ME CRAZY.

SHE'S ON THIS RANT NOW ABOUT HOW SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHO SHE IS.

SHE FEELS LOSS. "I FEEL UNFULFILLED."

I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE'S TALKING ABOUT.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING, MAN,

MY EX-WIFE SHEILA WAS GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING,

AND THEN I MADE THE SUGGESTION THAT SHE GO GET HERSELF A HOBBY.

A HOBBY -- THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

YOU GOTTA BE CAREFUL, THOUGH. WHY?

WELL, SEE, SHEILA WENT OUT AND STARTED, UM,

TAKING UP SOME STRIPTEASE CLASSES.

THAT SOUNDS GOOD.

YEAH, UNFORTUNATELY, IT WAS AFTER THE KIDS,

AND SHE WAS WEIGHING ABOUT 250 AT THE TIME.

MIKE, SHE CAME OUT OF THE BATHROOM.

SHE WAS TRYING TO DO THIS LITTLE SEDUCTIVE ROUTINE,

SOMETHING SEXY FOR ME.

SHE GRABBED HOLD TO THE BED POLE AND SHE SWUNG.

SHE BENT THE BED POLE, MIKE.

THE WHOLE POLE JUST CAVED IN.

SHE HAD ON A THONG, TOO,

BUT THEN AGAIN, THAT REALLY WASN'T A THONG.

IT WAS A PAIR OF BOXERS THAT KIND OF GOT CAUGHT UP.

IT WAS ABOUT AS SEXY AS TRYING TO TAKE A HAM OUT OF A CAN.

WELL, YOU KNOW, A HOBBY IS NOT A BAD IDEA.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE I CAN GET HER BACK INTO PAINTING.

REMEMBER THE ART SHE USED TO DO?

OH, YEAH, MAN.

YEAH, SHE WAS GREAT AT THAT, TOO. YEAH.

SO HOW ARE THE KIDS? AW, THEY'RE DOIN' GREAT, MAN.

IT'S KIND OF BEEN TOUGH ON ALL OF US, YOU KNOW,

IT'S A ROUGH TRANSITION WE'RE GOIN' THROUGH RIGHT NOW.

BUT RIGHT NOW, I'M JUST FOCUSING,

JUST PRETTY MUCH ON EVERY ASS...

...SPECT OF THEIR LIVES.

I SEE.

OKAY, HERE'S THE DEAL --

I AM ANNOUNCING THE BEGINNING OF ART-APPRECIATION WEEK.

MOM! MOM! DAD!

AND WE'RE GONNA START WITH THE ART OF SHUTTING UP!

SHUT U-U-U-P! YOU'RE ALL GONNA DO THIS.

I WANT EACH ONE OF YOU TO FIND A CREATIVE OUTLET,

THEN I WANT YOU TO PRODUCE SOMETHING,

AND WE'RE GONNA SHOWCASE IT AT THE END OF THE WEEK.

LIKE WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW. YOU LIKE CLOTHING, DON'T YOU?

YES. YOU WANT TO TAKE ME SHOPPING?

UH...NO.

BUT YOU CAN CREATE YOUR OWN ORIGINAL DESIGNS.

I SUPPOSE I COULD DO THAT.

I'LL CALL IT "CLAIRE'S FASHION WEAR." AH!

I WOULDN'T DARE BE CAUGHT IN "CLAIRE'S FASHION WEAR."

HEY, THAT RHYMES.

HEY, MAYBE THAT COULD BE MY ART.

A POET? YEAH, SEE, SEE --

[ Rapping ] I'M A PLAYER, A SPOKEN-RHYME SAYER.

I COOK FOOD WITH FLAMBE-AH. MY DAD DRINKS CHARDONNAY-AH.

I GOT DIRTY STREAKS IN MY UNDERWEAR-AH,

BUT I DON'T CARE-AH.

UH...YEAH.

WELL, I'M A LITTLE SCARE-AH THAT YOU DON'T HAVE A PRAYER

AND YOU GOT ABOUT AS MUCH POTENTIAL AS I GOT HAIR...

BUT IF YOU KEEP PRACTICING, YOU MAY PRODUCE SOMETHING GOOD.

I THINK THIS IS A GREAT IDEA. THE KIDS DO NEED TO BE INSPIRED.

IT'LL BROADEN THEIR HORIZONS.

GREAT. SO, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

WHO, ME? I BET YOUR PARDON? YEAH, YOU.

YES, YOU ARE A PART OF THIS, TOO.

UH...

NO.

COME ON.

NO, I'M NOT PLAYIN' WITH Y'ALL.

GET INTO THE SPIRIT OF THIS. INSPIRE THE KIDS.

YOU'RE THE ARTISTIC ONE IN THE FAMILY.

I DON'T KNOW, MICHAEL.

YES! WHY DON'T YOU DO SOME OF THOSE FABULOUS PAINTINGS

YOU USED TO DO?

OH, BABY, I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T THINK I STILL GOT IT.

OH, COME ON, JAY, YOU JUST DON'T LOSE A GIFT LIKE THAT.

THAT WOULD BE LIKE THE MONA LISA LOSING HER SMILE.

REALLY?

YES.

OH. OKAY, WELL, IN THE SPIRIT OF ART-APPRECIATION WEEK,

AND TO PRESERVE THE MONA LISA, I'M GONNA HAVE TO DO THIS.

GREAT. YEAH. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

ME? WELL, YOU CAN'T HAVE ART-APPRECIATION WEEK

WITHOUT THE APPRECIATOR.

[ LAUGHS ]

THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO. OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, SO LET'S GET STARTED.

COME ON.

WAIT A MINUTE!

EVERYBODY HAS SOMETHING TO DO BUT ME.

WELL, THEN, WHAT IS IT YOU LIKE DOING?

WELL, THERE IS THIS ONE THING.

[ POUNDING ]

WHAT DO YOU THINK, DADDY?

OH, THAT WAS -- THAT WAS...GREAT.

SHOULD I PLAY SOME MORE?

OH, UM, NOT RIGHT NOW.

YOU WANT TO SAVE SOME OF THAT PRACTICING

'CAUSE YOUR HANDS WILL GET ALL CRAMPED UP.

THANKS, DADDY. I'M GONNA GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY WITH FRANKLIN.

OKAY, BABY.

HEY, SON, HOW'S THE POETRY GOING?

GREAT. I JUST FINISHED MY FIRST POEM.

OH, GOOD, LAY IT ON ME.

ALL RIGHT.

I CALL THIS ONE "WISDOM."

"WISDOM." OKAY.

"OPEN THE DOOR. CLOSE THE DOOR.

"I AM SO CONFUSED.

"LOST IN THE FRICTION OF LIFE --

"NO! I HAVE NEVER READ A DICTION...ARY IN MY LIFE.

"QUITE SCARY -- MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY...

ISN'T IT?"

"BUT MY HEAD IS BIG WITH WISDOM.

"WISDOM.

"WISDOM.

[ High-pitched voice ] "WISDOM.

[ Normal voice ] "WISDOM.

"WICKY, WICKY, WICKY, WICKY, WICKY, WICKY,

WICKY, WICKY, WICKY WISDOM."

WOW.

SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

SON, YOU PUT THE "DUMB" IN "WISDOM."

REALLY? THANKS, DAD!

YEAH. I'M GONNA GO CHECK ON YOUR MOTHER.

OKAY. YOU KEEP WRITIN'.

I WILL.

AND YOU CAME UP WITH THE "WICKY, WICKYS"?

THAT WAS ME!

WHOO! GENIUS!

THANK YOU.

[ DOOR OPENS ] HEY.

WHAT'S UP, BABY? WHAT DO YOU THINK?

[ SUCKING TEETH ] IT'S CUTE.

CUTE?

[ SUCKING TEETH ]

IT'S NICE.

JUST NICE?

[ SUCKING TEETH ]

IT'S GREAT!

YOU'RE LYIN'! OW!

NO, I'M NOT! YES, YOU ARE!

I KNOW WHEN YOU'RE LYIN', MICHAEL,

'CAUSE YOUR VOICE GOES UP FOUR OCTAVES!

[ High-pitched voice ] WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?!

MICHAEL, WILL YOU JUST STOP IT

AND GIVE ME YOUR HONEST CRITICISM, PLEASE?

[ Normal voice ] OKAY, IT'S NOT CRITICISM,

BUT IT LACKS A CERTAIN "JAY-NESS,"

A CERTAIN JE NE SAIS QUOI.

THAT'S FRENCH FOR "PASSION."

NO, IT ISN'T.

DAMN THAT PORKY PIG!

SO, YOU MEAN "BLEEK, BLEEK, BLEEK, BLEEK, BLEEK"

IS NOT CHINESE?

BUT WHAT'S MISSIN' IS PASSION.

SO, WHAT AM I PASSIONATELY SUPPOSED TO PAINT, MR. EXPERT?

I DON'T KNOW. WHAT DO YOU LOVE?

WHAT EXCITES YOU? WHAT STIMULATES YOU?

SEE? THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT RIGHT THERE --

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET STIMULATED IN A GARAGE?!

BLEEK, BLEEK, BLEEK, BLEEK -- I KNOW...

OHH! OH, MY GOD!

THANK YOU, BABY.

I FEEL SO INSPIRED!

YEAH!

I FEEL LIKE I COULD DO GREAT THINGS!

[ GASPING ]

[ Gasping ] ANYTHING I CAN DO TO HELP.

YOU KNOW IT!

[ MUMBLING ]

BABY... WHAT?

[ GASPING ]

I LOVE YOU!

OH...AMAZING.

OH!

WHOO!

OH!

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY NEW OUTFIT, DAD?

I DESIGNED IT MYSELF.

WOW, THAT'S GREAT. I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO FINISH IT.

OH, YEAH, NO, I JUST GOTTA TAKE 3 INCHES FROM THE HEM,

AND I'LL BE DONE.

HUH. BABY, WITH ALL THAT TALENT,

WHY DON'T YOU DESIGN MEN'S FASHION,

'CAUSE THAT'S WHERE THE MONEY IS. REALLY?

BECAUSE THEY USE MORE FABRIC.

WHY DON'T YOU DESIGN SOMETHING FOR ME, HUH?

ALL RIGHT. LET ME TAKE YOUR MEASUREMENTS.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT. I'M A 30.

UH...NO.

34.

OKAY, THEN, MAKE IT 34.

THE KIDS ARE WEARIN' 'EM BAGGY TODAY, ANYWAY.

OKAY, I'LL MAKE IT A 38.

HEY, BABY. WHO'S YOUR NEW FRIEND?

THIS IS FRANKLIN. HE HAS A BIG CRUSH ON ME.

YEP, I SURE DO.

YOU LIKE MY DAUGHTER?

I WOULD WALK THROUGH HECK AND BACK FOR HER.

WOW, THROUGH HECK AND BACK -- THAT'S FAR.

WELL, IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU, FRANKIE.

IT'S FRANKLIN.

OKAY, FRANK.

FRANKLIN!

OH, ALL RIGHT, FRANKFURTER.

[ POUNDING ]

OKAY, HEY, ALL RIGHT, BABY.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK -- LET ME SHOW YOU AND FRANKEN-BERRY

SOME OF THE FINER POINTS OF PLAYING THE PIANO.

[ NOODLING ]

YOU HEAR THAT?

CAN I GIVE IT A TRY?

SURE. YOU AIN'T GONNA GET BETTER THAN THAT.

I'VE BEEN PRACTICING THAT FOR YEARS.

IT TAKES A LOT OF KNUCKLE-WRIST MOTION.

[ "MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB" PLAYS ]

VERY GOOD. THAT'S GOOD.

[ UP-TEMPO CLASSICAL PLAYS ]

WOW.

AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN BLIND AND YOU CAN PLAY LIKE THAT.

SO, HOW'D YOU TWO MEET?

HE STROLLED INTO MY GALLERY

PRETENDING TO LOOK FOR A PAINTING.

AND THEN I STUMBLED ACROSS A MASTERPIECE.

OH, GOD, YOU'RE NOT FALLING FOR THAT ONE, ARE YOU?

I AM AS LONG AS HE'S BUYING MY ART.

I HEAR THAT! YOU KNOW, I HAVE TO SAY

I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS

ABOUT SHOWING YOU MY PAINTINGS SINCE YOU'RE A PROFESSIONAL.

DON'T BE NERVOUS. I'M SURE IT'LL BE GOOD.

I HOPE SO. OH, I THINK THEY'RE STARTING.

HERE, LET'S GO ON IN.

OKAY.

EVERYONE, GATHER AROUND THE RUNWAY.

IT'S TIME TO BEGIN ART-APPRECIATION NIGHT,

AND THIS IS MY CONTRIBUTION --

DADDY LOWRIDERS MODELED BY MIGUEL!

♪ I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY SHIRT ♪

♪ TOO SEXY FOR MY SHIRT ♪ [ LAUGHS ]

♪ SO SEXY IT HURTS ♪ WHAT YOU COMIN' OVER HERE FOR?

♪ AND I'M TOO SEXY FOR MILAN ♪ DON'T COME OVER HERE.

♪ TOO SEXY FOR MILAN, NEW YORK, AND JAPAN ♪

WORK IT, BABY! WORK IT, BABY!

AAHHH!

HA HA!

BABY, YOU DID A GREAT JOB.

YES, CLAIRE, THESE ARE FANTASTIC.

I THINK THEY'RE A LITTLE TOO LOW, THOUGH.

NOT IF YOU'RE A PLUMBER.

I'M GONNA GO CHANGE THESE

AND WE'RE GONNA FINISH THE REST OF THIS.

I ENTITLED THIS ONE "SUBURBAN PAIN."

"KILL, PUNCH, STAB, BLEED!"

"WHY IS THIS SUBURBAN KID SO MAD?

"I HAVE NO CLUE...

"BUT I'M SAYIN' I'D LIKE TO HURT ALL OF YOU.

"BUT I GOTTA MAKE IT HOME BY CURFEW.

"SO UNTIL I'M FREE

FROM ALL THIS LOVE MY FAMILY 'SUPPOSEDLY' GIVIN' ME..."

"I'M GONNA BE MAD... FOR NO DAMN REASON."

"I LOVE YOU, DAD."

[ BLOWS ]

[ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ]

I WILL NOW PLAY A CLASSICAL PIECE

ACCOMPANIED BY MY FRIEND FRANKLIN.

OKAY. BREAK A LEG, FRANKEN-BERRY.

LET IT GO.

[ UP-TEMPO CLASSICAL PLAYS ]

YEAH! YAY!

THAT WAS AMAZING.

ISN'T SHE GREAT?

I WANT TO THANK ALL MY CHILDREN

FOR THEIR EFFORT AND COOPERATION THIS WEEK.

I MUST SAY THAT THE ARTISTS AND THE ART HAS BEEN AMAZING.

YES!

AND NOW FOR THE PIECE OF RESISTANCE,

MY BEAUTIFUL BRIDE WILL NOW UNVEIL HER LATEST CREATION.

COME ON, BABY, SHOW US THE FRUITS OF YOUR LABOR.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS, I REALLY WANT YOUR HONEST CRITICISMS,

ESPECIALLY YOU, TERESA, OKAY?

HERE WE GO!

[ GASPS ]

AAHHH!

[ STEVE LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY ]

THAT'S FOUR NEGATIVE REVIEWS. BABY, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I THINK YOU PAINTED SOMEONE ELSE'S THINGY ON ME.

BABE, I PAINTED IT

AS IF IT WAS MICHELANGELO'S STATUE OF "DAVID."

LIKE A MASTERPIECE. COULDN'T YOU HAVE PAINTED IT

AS THE STATUE OF LEROY OR SOMETHING?

WHATEVER. STEVE, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I THINK I GOT HIM BEAT.

THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S NOT AN ACCURATE DEPICTION.

I LOVE IT. YOU DO?

REALLY? YOU LOVE IT REALLY?

YES. JAY, YOU'RE A NATURAL.

THIS IS A TERRIFIC PAINTING.

BUT YOU HATE IT, DON'T YOU?

YOU KNOW WHAT? I GOT A GREAT IDEA.

YOU SHOULD HANG IT IN YOUR GALLERY.

OH! NO, NO, NO.

THAT'S A BAD IDEA. THAT'S A BAD IDEA.

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

[ JAY SQUEALS ]

YOU ARE A MEAN AND HATEFUL MAN.

[ Lisping ] YES, STEVEN IS.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU, JAY. I FEEL DIMINISHED.

YOU MAKE ME FEEL THIS BIG --

NO, THAT BIG.

YOU WERE THE ONE WHO TOLD ME TO PAINT WHAT I LOVE.

WELL, I LOVE YOU.

YOU ARE A STRONG, KIND, BEAUTIFUL MAN.

NOT IN THAT PAINTING --

IN THAT PAINTING, I'M MINI-ME.

MICHAEL, MICHELANGELO'S "DAVID" STOOD AS A SYMBOL OF MASCULINITY

FOR CENTURIES.

YEAH, AND YOU KNOW WHAT KILLED DAVID?

DEPRESSION AND HUMILIATION.

HE WAS THE LAUGHINGSTOCK OF THE COLISEUM LOCKER ROOM.

THEY'D GO, "HEY, HERE COMES LITTLE DAVEY -- HA HA!"

EVEN THE LIONS LAUGHED -- [ GROWLING CHUCKLE ]

YOU KNOW WHAT?

[ Growling ] "WHO BIT THAT OFF?"

FORGET IT. FORGET IT. JUST FORGET IT.

THIS IS THE OPPOSITE EFFECT OF WHAT I INTENDED.

I PUT MY HEART AND MY SOUL INTO THAT PAINTING.

I WANTED YOU TO LOVE IT, BUT... YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE IT.

SO, FINE, MICHAEL. I'LL THROW IT OUT.

I'LL GO BACK TO DOIN' WHAT I DO BEST --

COOKIN' AND CLEANIN'.

HEY...

I'M SORRY.

THE TRUTH IS, I LOVE THAT PAINTING.

YOU LOVE IT?

YEAH.

AND I LOVED PAINTING IT.

I LOVED SEEING YOU COME ALIVE WHILE YOU WERE PAINTING IT.

BABY, I HAVEN'T FELT LIKE THAT IN SO LONG.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU SHOULD PUT THAT PAINTING IN THE GALLERY.

REALLY? BABY, REALLY? YOU DON'T HATE IT? REALLY?

NO, I THINK IT'S PERFECT, AND I WOULDN'T CHANGE A THING.

I AM SO NERVOUS.

WHAT ARE YOU NERVOUS ABOUT? BABY, YOU'RE GONNA BE GREAT.

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

AHH.

YOU KNOW, YOU LOOK PRETTY RELAXED

FOR A MAN THAT'S ABOUT TO BECOME ALL EXPOSED.

I MEAN, JUST LOOK AT ALL THESE PEOPLE HERE.

YEAH, I SEE. WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE?

OH...DIFFERENT FRIENDS OF MINE. YOU KNOW, PEOPLE LIKE TO TALK.

HA HA HA.

SO, I GUESS YOU GOT ME, HUH? YOU FINALLY GOT ME BACK.

Yes.

NOW MAY I PRESENT THE WORK OF A NEW ARTIST

WHO HAS GREAT TALENT, AN ORIGINAL STYLE,

AND A FANTASTIC EYE FOR DETAIL.

HER NAME IS JAY KYLE,

AND THIS WORK IS ENTITLED "A NUDE STUDY OF MY HUSBAND."

WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! WHOO!

HOLY MOLY! HELLO!

HOW DO YOU FIND TIME TO PAINT?!

YOU DEFACED MY PAINTING!

I DIDN'T TOUCH THE FACE.

[ CHUCKLES ] THANKS, MAN.

I CALL THIS ONE "LOVE."

WOW.

"SHE'S NOT HALLE, NOR HARDLY BERRY,

"NOT EVEN J. LO.

"BEAUTY? [ LAUGHS ]

"OH, NO.

"SEXY GIRLS?

"I WOULD LIKE TO MEET.

BUT THE ONES I ATTRACT HAVE NO FRONT TEETH."