Original subtitles

HEY, SON, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

TRYING TO GET A DATE FOR THE DANCE.

WELL, LET ME SEE YOU DO YOUR TECHNIQUE.

LET ME SEE SOME OF THAT. ALL RIGHT.

HEY, BABY. [ LAUGHS ]

IT'S YOUR SEXY, LITTLE LOVE MACHINE,

THE MAN OF THE HOUR, TOO SWEET TO BE SOUR,

DREAMING ABOUT HOW YOU LOOK IN THE SHOWER.

[ CHUCKLES ]

OH, HI, MR. ANDERSON.

[ EXHALES SHARPLY ] IS YOUR DAUGHTER HOME?

HELLO? HELLO?

[ SIGHS DEEPLY ]

MAN, I'M NEVER GONNA GET TO GO TO THE DANCE.

I THINK IT'S YOUR TECHNIQUE. WHAT ABOUT IT?

IT SUCKS.

LOOK, SON, IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO WOMEN,

IT'S SIMPLE.

YOU USE THE 3 "C's" --

CONFIDENCE, COMPLIMENTS, AND CONVERSATION.

IT'S GOOD TO START WITH,

"HEY, HAVE YOU LOST WEIGHT?"

AND THEN YOU JUST KEEP TICKLING THEIR EARS.

IT'S EASY. COME HERE.

I'LL SHOW YOU. YOU BE THE GUY.

WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO BE THE GUY?

I WON'T TOUCH THAT ONE.

LOOK, JUST COMPLIMENT ME.

GO AHEAD.

HEY, MAN, YOU WANNA GO OUT WITH ME?

NO, JUNIOR, WHAT A WOMAN WANTS

IS FOR YOU TO SAY SOMETHING TO HER

THAT SHE FEELS YOU NEVER SAID TO ANOTHER WOMAN BEFORE.

"WANNA HAVE MY BABIES?"

LOOK, YOU-- YOU BE THE WOMAN.

YES! HA HA!

HELLO, MISS.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I FIRST SAW YOU,

MY HEART STOPPED, AND I TOLD MYSELF

I DIDN'T WANT TO BREATHE ANOTHER BREATH OF LIFE

UNTIL I KNEW YOUR NAME.

OH, REALLY?

IT'S JUNIOR.

YOU SEE? THE "REALLY," "REALLY."

THAT'S THE EMOTION YOU WANT TO EVOKE.

YOU WANT THEM TO SAY, "REALLY?" UH-HUH?

SEE, BECAUSE WHEN THEY SAY "REALLY,"

THAT OPENS THE DOOR TO "YES."

OH, THANKS, DAD. OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU COULD START BY PRACTICING YOUR TECHNIQUE

ON SOME OF THE WOMEN IN THIS HOUSE.

I DON'T THINK I WANNA BE NICE TO CLAIRE.

JUST TRY IT. [ SIGHS ] ALL RIGHT.

HEY, CLAIRE, YOU CERTAINLY LOOK HEALTHY TODAY!

DIE.

VALERIE, HAVE YOU LOST WEIGHT?

YOU THINK SO? OH, I KNOW SO.

YOU LOOK GOOD.

DID YOU DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT WITH YOUR EARS?

I'M WEARING EARRINGS. THANKS FOR NOTICING.

COME ON, LET'S GO.

YOU SEE? HUH?

YOU ALMOST GOT A "REALLY?"

THAT'S WHAT YOU GOTTA GET, THOUGH --

"REALLY?"

OKAY, OKAY.

KEEP PRACTICING. ALL RIGHT.

OH, NO, NO. NOT MY SOAP.

OH, I MISSED IT. WHAT DID I MISS ON MY SOAP?

GIRL, SIT DOWN. LET ME DISH YOU THE DIRT.

CARLY WENT BACK TO SONNY, LUKE HAS TWO STOMACHS,

AND BRENDA CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD...

AGAIN.

SEE, I KNEW IT, AND I BET YOU THAT SONNY

IS GONNA LEAVE CARLY FOR BRENDA, TOO.

PROBABLY, YOU KNOW HE'S A LOW-DOWN, DIRTY DOG.

TELL ME ABOUT IT.

YOU KNOW, JUST LAST NIGHT,

I HAD -- NEVER MIND.

WHAT? COME ON, DISH THE DIRT!

NO, NO, IT'S TOO GROWN-UP.

GIRL, I JUST SAT HERE AND WATCHED LUKE GO TO JAIL

AND LAURA GO BANANAS.

OKAY, YOU'RE RIGHT. LISTEN TO THIS.

LAST NIGHT, I HAD A DREAM THAT YOUR FATHER HAD A --

[ CLEARS THROAT ] A PLAYDATE WITH JANET JACKSON.

SAY WHAT? MM-HMM.

AND HE HAD A CHOICE, TOO.

AND HE DIDN'T CHOOSE YOU? NO, HE DIDN'T.

HE WENT WITH THE RICH, SEXY, HARD-BODY,

MULTITALENTED, MULTIMILLIONAIRE HEIFER.

MOM. WHAT?

IT WAS JUST A DREAM.

[ CHUCKLING ] YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

IT WAS.

I'M PROBABLY JUST THINKING ABOUT IT

'CAUSE I TOLD YOUR FATHER I WANTED

TO SEE HER CONCERT THIS WEEK.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU COULD USE A COOKIE AND A SHOT OF MILK.

[ CHUCKLES ] YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.

COME ON, LET'S GO.

OKAY, HERE COMES YOUR MOTHER.

WATCH ME DEMONSTRATE THE 3 "C's."

JUST WATCH THE MASTER.

LOOK AT ALL THE CRUMBS ON THE TABLE.

I SWEAR YOU GUYS DON'T THINK

ABOUT ANYBODY BUT YOURSELVES.

THAT'S NOT TRUE. I ALWAYS THINK ABOUT YOU.

NOT A MOMENT GOES BY THAT THE ANGEL

OF MY LIFE DOESN'T PASS MY THOUGHTS.

REALLY?

BABY, YOU WANT A SNACK OR SOMETHING?

YEAH, A SANDWICH WILL DO.

OKAY, ONE SANDWICH COMING UP.

HEY, BABY. YOU LOOK SO THIN.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU LOST WEIGHT.

REALLY?

BABY, YOU WANT ANYTHING SPECIAL ON THAT SANDWICH?

NO, AS LONG AS IT'S MADE WITH YOUR HANDS,

I KNOW IT'S GONNA BE SPECIAL.

KIDS, I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING --

YOUR MOTHER IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD.

NOT EVEN JANET JACKSON COMES CLOSE TO YOUR MOTHER.

JANET JACKSON IS NOT THAT CUTE.

SAY WHAT?!

JANET JACKSON IS FINE!

OH, REALLY?

YEAH. [ CHUCKLES ]

REALLY.

SO, BABE, WHAT'S UP WITH THAT SANDWICH?

HERE YOU GO.

I TRIED TO WARN YOU.

WHAT HAPPENED?

I FORGOT TO MENTION THE OTHER 3 "C's" --

CRAMPY, CRANKY, AND CRAZY.

THAT BRINGS ME TO MY NEXT POINT.

BEFORE YOU SETTLE FOR ONE GIRL,

MAKE SURE THAT YOU'VE SAMPLED

EVERY ITEM AT THE BUFFET, OKAY?

CAST YOUR NET FAR AND WIDE, OKAY?

SNIFF EVERY FLOWER. [ SNIFFING ]

YES! YES! YES!

EVERY FLOWER IN THE GARDEN OF LOVE.

OH. YOU MEAN, HAVE OPTIONS?

HAVE...OPTIONS!

YES.

YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO HAVE A BACKUP PLAN --

PLAN "B." OKAY, I-I'VE GOT IT.

THEN GO OUT THERE AND START SNIFFING, SON.

[ SNIFFING VIGOROUSLY, GRUNTING ]

GET 'EM, BOY! GET 'EM! GET 'EM!

HEY, BEAUTIFUL!

WHO, ME? OF COURSE.

I DON'T JUST THROW THAT WORD AROUND.

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL BAG OF POTATO CHIPS!

YEAH, THEY'RE NICE.

NO, THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL, JUST LIKE YOU.

SO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

UM, I'M WORKING ON AN ASSIGNMENT WITH CLAIRE.

I JUST CAME DOWN TO GET SOME

BEAUTIFUL POTATO CHIPS.

WELL, DON'T FORGET THE SEXY SODAS.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YOU KNOW, I NEVER NOTICED HOW GRACEFUL YOUR WALK IS.

YOU'RE LIKE A GAZELLE BEING CHASED ACROSS THE SERENGETI

BY A CHEETAH.

REALLY?

DID YOU JUST SAY "REALLY?"

YES. REALLY?

[ LAUGHS ]

VALERIE, CAN I ASK YOU

A HYPODERMICAL QUESTION?

IF I WAS TO ASK YOU TO THE DANCE ON SATURDAY NIGHT,

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?

I-I-I WOULD SAY YES!

ARE YOU ASKING ME?

IT WOULD BE AN HONOR TO TAKE A WOMAN AS BEAUTIFUL

AS A BAG OF SALT AND VINEGAR POTATO CHIPS

TO THE DANCE ON SATURDAY NIGHT.

WELL, THANKS, JUNIOR. I CAN'T WAIT.

NEITHER CAN I.

HI, CLAIRE! DIE!

WHAT ARE YOU SMILING ABOUT?

JUNIOR.

HE WAS SO DASHING AND ROMANTIC.

HE JUST ASKED ME OUT TO THE DANCE. [ CHUCKLES ]

MY BROTHER, JUNIOR, THE ONE WITH THE HEAD?

UH-HUH.

DID HE CRY WHEN YOU SAID NO?

I SAID YES.

YOU SAID WHAT?

WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GO TOGETHER

AND MAKE FUN OF THE GIRLS WHO HAD DATES.

I KNOW. I COULDN'T HELP IT.

THE THINGS HE SAID TO ME...

THE WAY HE LOOKED INTO MY EYES...

THE WAY HE COMPARED ME TO THE POTATO CHIPS.

LOOK HOW THIN THEY ARE!

I NEVER REALIZED HOW SWEET JUNIOR WAS BEFORE.

[ PANTING ] [ SLAPS ]

ARE YOU ON DRUGS?! ARE YOU ON DRUGS?!

PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE NOT ON DRUGS!

MMM. MMM!

MMM. HELLO THERE, BEAUTIFULEST THING.

DON'T "BEAUTIFULEST THING" ME, MICHAEL.

WHAT IS THE MATTER, BABY?

YOU BEEN SNAPPING AT ME ALL DAY.

WHAT DID I DO?

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

YOU WERE FOOLING AROUND WITH JANET JACKSON.

I WAS? AND I MISSED IT?

DAMN!

DON'T PLAY THAT INNOCENT ROLE WITH ME, MICHAEL.

I SAW YOU RUBBING ALL OVER HER TIGHT, HARD ABS.

THERE SHE WAS STANDING THERE

WITH HER SWEAT GLISTENING OFF HER ATHLETIC SHOULDERS,

POOLING DOWN THE SMALL OF HER BACK,

AND SHE SAYS,

[ As Janet Jackson ] "BABY, DO YOU LIKE IT?"

[ Normal voice ] AND YOU SAY, "MY NAME AIN'T BABY.

IT'S MICHAEL, MR. KYLE, IF YOU'RE NASTY."

DID I SPANK IT? MICHAEL!

IT'S NOT FUNNY.

BABY, WHEN DID THIS EXACTLY HAPPEN?

YOU KNOW WHEN IT HAPPENED -- LAST NIGHT IN MY DREAMS.

OH! WELL, THEN, THAT EXPLAINS IT.

IT WAS IN CRAZYLAND!

THAT'S NOT FUNNY, MICHAEL, 'CAUSE YOU KNOW

MY DREAMS HAVE A WAY OF COMING TRUE.

YOU KNOW THAT. OH, REALLY?

YES. DO YOU REMEMBER THE TIME

WHEN I DREAMT THAT IT WAS RAINING,

AND WHEN I WOKE UP, IT WAS RAINING?

WOW.

IT'S LIKE THE TIME THAT I WAS SLEEPING,

AND I WOKE UP 'CAUSE I WAS SLEEPING.

DON'T MOCK MY GIFT, MICHAEL.

DON'T MOCK IT.

I'M TELLING YOU, MICHAEL,

I'VE BEEN READING ALL ABOUT IT.

IT SAYS RIGHT HERE THAT WHEN A DREAM

IS AS CLEAR AND COMPLETE AS MINE IS,

THAT MEANS THAT IT IS A PREMONITION OF THINGS TO COME.

RIGHT THERE.

WHO WROTE THAT BOOK --

[ As Miss Cleo ] MISS CLEO AND THE PSYCHIC CLUB?

CALL ME NOW.

WOMAN, CALL ME NOW AND I'LL TELL YOU A LIE.

JUST CALL ME NOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT, MICHAEL?

LAUGH IT ON UP. MAKE JOKES.

FROM HERE ON OUT, I'M TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW,

WHILE I'M SLEEPING, I...

GOT MY EYE...

ON YOU.

[ Normal voice ] HEY, BABY. WHAT?

YOU LOOK GOOD IN THEM JEANS.

DID YOU LOSE SOME WEIGHT?

REALLY? YOU THINK SO?

YEAH, THEY LOOK ALL LOOSE.

FOR REAL?

I-I-I HAVE BEEN WATCHING MY SODIUM AND --

SHUT UP!

[ As Miss Cleo ] I SAID CALL ME NOW, WOMAN!

TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS AND THEN CALL ME AGAIN.

There she is. Remember the 3 "c's" --

confidence, compliment, and conversation.

Confidence.

HELLO, AMBER.

HI.

MIND IF I COP A SQUAT?

[ CHUCKLES ] IT'S A FREE COUNTRY.

[ LAUGHS ]

I PLAN EVERY MOVE I MAKE. HA.

SO, IS THAT PERFUME YOU'RE WEARING,

OR DO YOU JUST NATURALLY SMELL LIKE WARM BISCUITS?

THAT'S KIND OF SWEET.

THANK YOU...JOHN?

YEAH.

SO, WHAT YOU GOT THERE?

OH, THESE ARE SOME PLAYBILLS FROM THE THEATER.

I LOVE THEATER. OH, ME TOO.

WHICH PLAY IS YOUR FAVORITE?

THE ONE ABOUT CATS -- WHAT'S IT CALLED?

"CATS?" HA, THAT ONE.

YOU SURE KNOW YOUR THEATER.

THERE'S SOMETHING DIFFERENT ABOUT YOU, JOHN.

IT MIGHT BE MY NAME.

NO. I CAN'T PUT MY FINGER ON IT...

BUT IT'S KIND OF CUTE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.

AMBER, WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO THE DANCE WITH ME?

IF YOU SAY NO, I'LL UNDERSTAND.

YOUR HAIR MIGHT GET DIRTY, YOU MIGHT BE TURNING AMISH.

I DON'T DESERVE YOU. WHY DID I ASK?

I'LL JUST TAKE GRANDMA.

I'D LOVE TO GO TO THE DANCE WITH YOU, JOHN.

I'LL PICK YOU UP AT 8:00.

TELL THE TRUTH, JUNIOR. BE HONEST.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING HONEST.

JUST TELL HER THE TRUTH.

BE BACK IN A SECOND, CLAIRE.

Oh, Valerie. No, come here. Come here.

VALERIE...

I CAN'T GO TO THE DANCE WITH YOU.

WHAT?

I CAN'T GO INTO THE DETAILS

BECAUSE IT'S SOME TOP-SECRET, FBI, CIA,

CSI-TYPE STUFF,

AND I DON'T WANNA PUT YOU IN ANY DANGER.

THE LESS YOU KNOW ABOUT PROJECT...

"WHATCHAMACALLIT," THE SAFER YOU'LL BE.

OH, OKAY. WELL, I HOPE EVERYTHING --

SHH! SHH. SHH. SHH.

They'll hear you.

The walls have eyes.

DUCK! OH!

PRETEND WE NEVER MET.

I CALLED THIS FAMILY MEETING TO LET ALL OF YOU KNOW

MY BROTHER, JUNIOR, IS A LOW-DOWN, DIRTY RAT.

WE ALREADY KNOW THAT. NOW, PUT "RUGRATS" BACK ON.

NO, WE'RE GONNA LISTEN TO YOUR SISTER.

NOW, WHAT'S WRONG, CLAIRE?

IT'S ALL OVER SCHOOL MY BIG-HEADED BROTHER IS TAKING

LITTLE MISS POPULARITY TO THE DANCE

INSTEAD OF MY BEST FRIEND VALERIE,

WHO HE ALREADY COMMITTED TO.

IT'S ALL OVER SCHOOL? [ CHUCKLES ] COOL.

UH...

THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO BE WINKING, SON.

YEAH, BUT YOU SAID GO TO THE BUFFET LINE

AND SAMPLE ALL DIFFERENT KINDS OF FOOD.

I DIDN'T SAY THAT. YES, YOU DID.

NO, I DIDN'T. YEAH.

OKAY, WHEN I SAID "FOOD,"

I MEANT THE NOURISHMENT THAT WOMEN PROVIDE FOR --

FOR A MAN'S SOUL.

OH, REALLY?!

YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT ELSE DAD SAID?

YES, BABY, TELL MOMMY WHAT-- DAD SAID --

WOULD YOU STOP KICKING ME?

DAD SAID WOMEN ARE LIKE FISH... WHAT?

AND TO CAST MY NETS OUT FAR AND WIDE.

WE'RE LIKE FISH, HUH?

WELL, WHAT KIND OF FISH MIGHT I BE?

YOU -- YOU...ARE MORE THAN TROUT.

AND -- AND BIGGER THAN -- BIGGER THAN WHAT?

THAN...

A GUPPY.

A MERMAID IS WHAT YOU ARE, BABY.

YOU'RE ARIEL, SWIMMING UPSTREAM, GOING,

♪ NA-DA-DA-DA-DEE ♪

SHUT UP, MICHAEL.

YOU KNOW WHAT, JUNIOR? I AM SO DISAPPOINTED IN YOU.

I BET THAT GIRL IS DEVASTATED.

SHE IS, AND UNTIL YOU APOLOGIZE,

I'M NOT SPEAKING TO EITHER ONE OF YOU.

COME ON, GIRLS, LET'S GO.

I DON'T WANT YOU AROUND THESE TWO.

SON, WHAT'S THAT?

HMM? OUCH!

I DID WHAT YOU SAID, DAD! I WENT TO PLAN "B"!

YOU DON'T GO TO PLAN "B" UNTIL PLAN "A" FAILS!

OH.

YOU MADE A COMMITMENT TO THAT GIRL,

AND THEN YOU WENT BACK ON YOUR WORD.

THAT'S NO WAY TO BEHAVE. BUT YOU HAVEN'T SEEN AMBER.

I DON'T CARE WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE!

YOU MADE A COMMITMENT, [ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

AND YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HONOR THAT AS A MAN.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY WHAT YOU MEAN

AND MEAN WHAT YOU SAY. HI, MR. KYLE.

DAMN! I HOPE YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME AT THAT DANCE, SON.

GOOD NIGHT, DAD. GOOD NIGHT, SON.

MY SON, THE FISHERMAN.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

NOTHING IMPORTANT. NOTHING, NOTHING.

OH, OKAY.

WHY ARE YOU SO FAR AWAY? YOU AFRAID OF ME?

I DON'T BITE. COME HERE.

YES, MA'AM.

CAN YOU STOP CALLING ME "MA'AM"?

YES, MY SWEET HONEYDEW MELON.

[ GIGGLES ]

SAY SOMETHING ELSE SWEET TO ME.

THE SIGHT OF THE MOONLIGHT

BASKING IN THE GLOW OF YOUR EYELIDS

IS A THRILL BEYOND COMPARE.

HOLD ME TIGHTER. [ SIGHS ]

YOUR SKIN IS AS SMOOTH AS A BABY'S BOTTOM...

AFTER THE APPLICATION OF DESENEX OINTMENT.

THAT'S ENOUGH, OKAY?

I'M SORRY, AMBER, IT'S JUST THAT

I NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IN A MILLION YEARS

THAT I'D BE HERE WITH YOU.

OH, I'M FLATTERED.

JUNIOR, CAN I ASK YOUR ADVICE ON SOMETHING?

OH, SURE.

IF YOU WERE MY BOYFRIEND AND WE SPLIT UP,

AND I SAID I WAS SORRY AND I WANTED TO START OVER,

THEN WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?

I'D SAY, "BABY, I FORGIVE YOU.

"AND WHATEVER PROBLEMS WE HAVE, WE CAN WORK THEM OUT...

WITH KISSES."

YOU ARE SO SWEET.

YOU ALWAYS KNOW THE RIGHT THING TO SAY.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YO, LITTLE MAN.

CAN TY JACKSON GET THIS DANCE?

SORRY, MAN, I'M STRAIGHT, BUT MAYBE ON A FAST SONG.

I THINK HE MEANS ME, JUNIOR.

THIS IS TY JACKSON, MY EX-BOYFRIEND.

WOMAN, LET'S GO WORK THIS OUT WITH KISSES.

[ SIGHS DEEPLY ]

FROM THIS POINT ON, I'M DONE WITH WOMEN.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, SON?

I WANT TO BE GAY, DAD.

I SHOULD HAVE DANCED WITH TY JACKSON

WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE.

YOU NEED TO THINK ABOUT THAT.

THAT'S A PAINFUL DECISION YOU'RE MAKING.

IT'S NOT LIKE GOLF.

THERE'S NO DO-OVER, NO MULLIGANS.

I HAVE NO LUCK WITH WOMEN.

I NEVER HAVE, AND I NEVER WILL.

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE JUST GETTING

A TASTE OF YOUR OWN MEDICINE, SON.

YEAH. IT'S LIKE THE GOOD BOOK SAYS,

"YOU WEAR WHAT YOU SEW."

YEAH, I THINK IT SAYS SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

WELL, I GUESS I HAVE TO GO BACK TO PLAN "B."

AND WHAT'S THAT?

VALERIE'S ALREADY GOT HER DRESS,

AND THE DANCE IS ONLY HALF OVER.

JUNIOR, IT'S NOT THAT EASY WITH WOMEN.

YOU EXPECT HER TO BE HAPPY BECAUSE YOU SHOW UP?

LOOK, WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IS SAY YOU'RE SORRY

ON 3 DIFFERENT LEVELS --

I CALL THEM THE 3 "A's."

FIRST OF ALL, YOU APOLOGIZE.

SECONDLY, YOU ACKNOWLEDGE

THAT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID WRONG.

AND THIRDLY, YOU ASSURE HER

THAT YOU WILL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN.

SO HOW DO I KNOW IF IT'S WORKING?

OKAY, IF YOU CAN GET HER TO SAY,

[ High-pitched voice ] "WELL..."

[ Normal voice ] THAT'S THE KEY BACK INTO HER HEART.

I NEVER KNEW THERE WAS SO MANY RULES WITH WOMEN.

IT'S LIKE THERE'S AN INSTRUCTION BOOKLET.

[ SCOFFS ] YOU'RE RIGHT.

WAIT TILL YOU SEE THE MANUAL

FOR WHEN THEY START TO BREAK DOWN.

[ BOTH SIGH ]

DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN MEN LIE?

THEY BUILD YOU UP JUST TO LET YOU DOWN.

AND DON'T YOU HATE IT

WHEN THEY PRETEND TO LISTEN TO YOU,

STARE IN YOUR FACE, NOD THEIR HEAD,

BUT THEY DON'T HEAR A WORD YOU'RE SAYING?

[ ALL ] YEAH.

AND DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN THEY DUNK THEIR COOKIE

IN SOMEBODY ELSE'S MILK?

[ ALL ] YEAH.

AND DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN THEY KEEP COMING AROUND,

BUYING YOU FLOWERS, SAYING HOW NICE YOU LOOK,

AND CALLING YOU "BEAUTIFUL"?

STAY OUT OF THIS, CLAIRE.

OH, MY GOD. WHAT'S THE MATTER?

THEY GOT A WAR COUNCIL SET UP IN THERE.

WHAT'S A WAR COUNCIL?

THERE'S WHERE A GROUP OF WOMEN

GET TOGETHER, THEY EAT ICE CREAM,

AND WORK THEMSELVES UP INTO A FRENZY

COMPLAINING ABOUT MEN.

OH, MY GOD. THEY GOT KADY.

LOOK AT HER, FROTHING AT THE MOUTH.

SHE LOOKS LIKE A LITTLE CUJO IN THERE.

I'M NOT SCARED OF THAT. WELL, YOU OUGHT TO BE, OKAY?

NOW, WE'RE GOING IN THERE. WE'RE GONNA WALK QUICKLY.

DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH THOSE WOMEN.

I REPEAT --

DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT. COME ON.

HEY, LADIES! Y'ALL LOOK SO THIN!

SORRY I CAN'T HANG OUT AND TALK TO YOU.

OH, DON'T YOU RUN FROM ME.

DON'T--KYLE, DON'T YOU RUN FROM ME!

VALERIE, CAN I TALK TO YOU IN PRIVATE, PLEASE?

I WOULDN'T LISTEN, GIRL.

GET OUTTA HERE.

BE STRONG, GIRL. [ SIGHS ]

WHAT DO YOU WANT? [ SIGHS ]

LOOK...

I COULDN'T REALLY HAVE A GOOD TIME AT THE DANCE

BECAUSE I FELT SO GUILTY AND ASHAMED

ABOUT THE WAY I TREATED YOU --

SHE DUMPED YOU. YEAH.

BUT I STILL FEEL GUILTY AND ASHAMED

BECAUSE YOU'RE SUCH A SWEET PERSON.

AND TY SHOWED UP, TOO? YEAH.

LOOK, VALERIE...

I REALLY WANNA APOLOGIZE FOR THE WAY I TREATED YOU.

NOW I KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO BE USED,

AND I NEVER WANNA MAKE ANOTHER HUMAN BEING FEEL

THE WAY I FEEL RIGHT NOW.

YOU KNOW, YOU WERE THE LAST PERSON I THOUGHT

WOULD HAVE DONE THAT TO ME.

YEAH. SO, CAN WE STILL BE FRIENDS?

NO. [ CHUCKLES ] NO, SERIOUSLY.

OH, I AM SERIOUS, JUNIOR.

I CAN'T TRUST YOU.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE ONE OF THE GOOD GUYS.

I AM A GOOD GUY.

VALERIE, LISTEN TO MY WORDS.

I'M SORRY I HURT YOU.

I MADE A MISTAKE.

AND I PROMISE TO NEVER DO IT AGAIN.

[ Sighing ] WELL...

HMM? IT'S NOT GONNA WORK.

[ SIGHS ] HAVE YOU LOST WEIGHT?

YOU LOOK SO THIN!

AND AS I WALK AWAY, I'M GONNA LOOK EVEN THINNER.

HEY, BABE. [ CLICKING ]

ARE YOU STILL MAD AT ME?

IT'S A VERY INTENSE DREAM, MICHAEL.

I JUST CAN'T SHAKE IT.

OKAY. FINE. THEN I'M GONNA HELP YOU OUT.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU THE TRUTH, OKAY?

I DO DREAM ABOUT JANET. YOU --

OKAY? I DREAM ABOUT MAKING LOVE TO HER. OOH!

I LUST AFTER THAT WOMAN. YOU NASTY --

I WOULD LAY DOWN MY LIFE FOR JANET.

THAT'S RIGHT BECAUSE SHE'S THE MOST

INCREDIBLY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD TO ME.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD SAY THAT TO ME, MICHAEL.

YOU KNOW WHY? WHY?

BECAUSE THE JANET THAT I'M TALKING ABOUT IS YOU --

MY WIFE, JANET MARIE KYLE --

MY LOVER, MY BEST FRIEND.

REALLY?

YEAH. [ LAUGHS ]

I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.

I KNOW I HAVE BEEN A LITTLE CRAZY, AND...

I'VE BEEN SILLY, OKAY?

AND IT WAS JUST A DREAM.

AND I OVERREACTED. I'M SORRY.

I'M GLAD YOU SAID THAT BECAUSE I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

REALLY? WHAT?

I GOT THESE BEFORE YOU HAD YOUR DREAM, OKAY?

IN THIS ENVELOPE ARE 2 FRONT-ROW TICKETS

TO SEE JANET JACKSON.

[ GASPS, SCREAMS ] ARE YOU SERIOUS?!

I LOVE JANET JACKSON!

KADY! GET DRESSED, BABY!

MOMMY'S TAKING YOU TO SEE JANET JACKSON!

BYE-BYE.

HEY, SON, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

TRYING TO GET A DATE FOR THE DANCE.

I'M GOING THROUGH MY LITTLE BLACK BOOK.

OH, I-I MESSED THAT UP.

NAH. [groans]

I FORGOT TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE OTHER 3 "C's" --

CRAMPY, CRAZY, AND CRUCKY.