Original subtitles

OH, THAT'S GREAT!

ONLY A COUPLE OF DAYS?

OH, WELL, WE WISH WE COULD HAVE YOU LONGER.

[ LAUGHS ]

OH, OKAY.

ALL RIGHT. WELL, I'LL SEE YOU THEN, SIS.

OKAY.

OH, MY GOD. WE HAVE A CRISIS.

U.F.M. --

"UNINVITED FAMILY MEMBER" COMING OVER -- AUNT KELLY.

OH, NO.

I REMEMBER THE LAST TIME AUNT KELLY CAME OVER.

SHE AND MOM ALMOST GOT INTO A FISTFIGHT.

DOES MOM KNOW SHE'S COMING? NOPE, NOT YET.

OH, GOOD. WE GOT TO KEEP HER FROM FINDING OUT.

AND HOW DO YOU PROPOSE WE DO THAT?

WE COULD GIVE HER A POISON APPLE.

IT'D PUT HER TO SLEEP JUST LIKE THAT.

YOU KNOW, THAT WOULD BE GREAT IF YOUR MOTHER WAS A CARTOON.

I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING.

ABOUT THIS OR IN GENERAL?

WHAT DO YOU THINK, I'M STUPID? IN GENERAL.

LOOK, I-I GUESS WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO TELL HER.

CLAIRE, GO TELL YOUR MOTHER.

DO I LOOK STUPID? YOU'RE RIGHT.

JUNIOR, GO TELL YOUR MOTHER.

SURE, DAD, I -- HEY!

HEY, HEY, YOU MARRIED HER. YOU TELL HER.

OKAY, I WILL.

BUT I NEED YOU GUYS TO HELP ME OUT, OKAY?

WE CANNOT HAVE A REPEAT OF WHAT HAPPENED LAST VISIT.

SO, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

POISON APPLE?

ENOUGH WITH THE POISON APPLE.

OKAY?

LOOK, I NEED YOU GUYS, WHEN THEY START TO ARGUE,

TO JUST DISTRACT THEM ANY WAY YOU CAN.

[ LAUGHING ]

[ LAUGHING CONTINUES ]

HEY, HEY, HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHAT? I'M PRACTICING. THAT'S PRETTY DISTRACTING, HUH?

YEAH, AND PRETTY DISTURBING, TOO, BUT KEEP IT.

I LIKE IT. OKAY.

KADY, CAN YOU STILL THROW UP ON CUE?

SURE. WATCH.

NO, NO, SAVE IT. GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.

SAVE IT.

AND YOU...

WHENEVER THEY START TO GET TENSE, ALL RIGHT,

THE TENSION BUILDS, I WANT YOU TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

DON'T YOU THINK I GET PRETTIER EVERY DAY?

HEY, YOU'RE GOOD AT THIS.

GOOD AT WHAT?

♪ DO-DO DO ♪

♪ LOOK WHAT I GOT FOR MY FAVORITE GIRL ♪

BABY, IS THAT A BANANA SPLIT?

[ GASPS ]

OH!

OH!

OH! OH!

WITH CHOCOLATE MOCHA ICE CREAM, STRAWBERRIES,

AND PISTACHIO NUTS!

WITH BUTTERSCOTCH IN THE MIDDLE.

BABY, YOU PUT BUTTERSCOTCH ON THIS?

YES, I DID.

MM, YOU MADE ME A HAPPY WOMAN!

YOU'RE HAPPY?

YEP! YUMMY!

GOOD, BECAUSE KELLY'S COMING TO VISIT.

I'M NOT HUNGRY.

JAY, COME ON. DON'T BE LIKE THAT.

NO!

COME ON, I THOUGHT MY NOOKUM LIKED THE BUTTERSCOTCH.

TASTE THIS BUTTERSCOTCH.

TASTE THE BUTTERSCOTCH.

TASTE THE BUTTERSCOTCH!

MICHAEL, ALL THE BABY TALK AND THE BUTTERSCOTCH IN THE WORLD

ISN'T GONNA MAKE ME LIKE YOUR SISTER ANY MORE.

COME ON, JAY. IT'S ONLY A COUPLE OF NIGHTS.

A COUPLE OF NIGHTS? OKAY.

THEN I'LL BE LEAVING FOR A COUPLE OF NIGHTS.

GOOD! I'LL BOOK YOU AT THE RESIDENCE INN.

NO! WHY SHOULD I LEAVE MY OWN HOUSE?!

GO LET HER FIND A HOTEL!

JAY, IT'S ONLY A COUPLE OF NIGHTS.

WHAT ARE YOU TRIPPING ABOUT?

REMEMBER THE LAST TIME SHE SAID SHE WAS ONLY GONNA BE STAYING

FOR A COUPLE OF NIGHTS?

IT WAS FOURTH OF JULY AND CHRISTMAS.

THE PROBLEM IS SHE DIDN'T LEAVE IN BETWEEN.

YEAH, OKAY, SHE OVERSTAYS HER WELCOME SOMETIMES.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? SHE'S GOT GOOD TRAITS.

NAME ONE.

SHE'S A GOOD COOK, AND SHE KEEPS YOU OUT OF THAT KITCHEN.

THAT'S BECAUSE SHE LIKES TO RUB

ALL THOSE SECRET INGREDIENTS IN MY FACE --

SECRET SAUCE, SECRET SPICES, SECRET WATER.

HOW DO YOU GET SECRET WATER, MICHAEL?

OH, THAT'S EASY.

YOU JUST BOIL IT, AND YOU PUT A COUPLE OF DRO--

I CAN'T TELL YOU. IT'S A SECRET.

COME ON, JAY.

YEAH, SHE'S A LITTLE ANNOYING.

A LITTLE ANNOYING?

NO, MICAHEL, SHE'S MORE THAN ANNOYING!

SHE'S A SARCASTIC, PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE TROUBLEMAKER,

AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I DON'T LIKE?

BRINGING UP THAT SHARON! ALWAYS BRINGING UP THAT SHARON!

WHO'S SHARON?

YOU KNOW WHO SHARON IS --

YOUR FIRST GIRLFRIEND.

OH, THAT SHARON.

YEAH, YEAH. BOY, I FORGOT THE NAME.

I HAVEN'T SEEN HER SINCE --

SINCE THE LAST TIME YOUR SISTER BROUGHT HER UP IN HERE.

YEAH, THAT WAS THE LAST TIME.

SHE LOOKED HORRIBLE.

SHE LOOKED GREAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT, MICHAEL?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS,

BUT ME AND YOUR SISTER DO NOT GET ALONG.

IT'S NOT ME! IT'S HER!

YOU'RE RIGHT. IT'S NOT YOU.

THANK YOU. IT'S HER.

IT IS HER! IT'S HER.

BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHY? WHY?

SHE'S A SARCASTIC,

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE LITTLE TROUBLEMAKER.

NOW YOU'RE IN MY HEAD.

RIGHT HERE, BABY.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE FINALLY GETTING IT. OKAY.

SO, NOW WHAT I NEED FROM YOU

IS FOR YOU TO BE THE BETTER PERSON, THAT'S ALL!

BECAUSE WE KNOW WHAT SHE IS --

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE, SARCASTIC, TROUBLEMAKIN'.

BUT YOU ARE A BIGGER PERSON.

OKAY.

HMM? CAN YOU DO THAT FOR ME?

YES, I'LL TRY.

BUT, BABY, THE MINUTE THAT KELLY STARTS IT,

OH, I'M GONNA FINISH IT.

I RESPECT THAT. THANK YOU.

ARE YOU GONNA FINISH THIS, BABE?

HELL, YEAH.

HEY!

HA HA! BRO-BRO!

[ SQUEALS ]

[ Screeching ] I'M SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU!

[ COUGHING ]

AUNT KELLY!

HEY, KIDS!

WOULD YOU LOOK AT YOU ALL,

GROWN UP SO HANDSOME AND BEAUTIFUL!

SHOOT! YOU ALL GOT KYLE WRITTEN ALL OVER YOU.

I GUESS I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT, HUH?

BUT YOU SURE GOT YOUR MAMA'S HAIR, BOY.

UH, KELLY! HEY, HOW ARE YOU DOING?

JAY, I DIDN'T SEE YOU STANDING THERE.

YOU ALWAYS WERE A SNEAKY ONE. HI, GIRL.

Hey, remember the bigger person?

I'm bigger!

UH, KELLY, SO HOW WAS YOUR FLIGHT?

WELL, THE BEST PART ABOUT IT IS IT'S OVER,

AND I GET TO SPEND TIME WITH MY FAMILY...AND YOU.

WELL, IT'S ALWAYS GREAT TO HAVE YOU HERE.

WHEN ARE YOU LEAVING?

UNFORTUNATELY IN JUST A COUPLE OF DAYS.

AW, ONLY 48 HOURS? DARN!

BUT...

HA HA! I BROUGHT PRESENTS!

YAY! YAY!

Stop it.

ALL RIGHT, FOR MY FAVORITE NEPHEW.

TA-DA!

TOILET WATER?

NO, NO, NO.

IT'S EAU DE TOILETTE.

IT'S AN EXPENSIVE FRENCH COLOGNE.

OH, FRENCH!

GRACIAS.

I WANT TO BE NEXT!

OKAY. NOW I WAS GONNA GET YOU ANOTHER MUSIC BOX,

BUT I REMEMBERED THAT THE LAST ONE MADE SO MUCH NOISE

THAT IT DROVE YOUR MAMA CRAZY. YES, IT DID.

SO, INSTEAD...I GOT YOU THIS FABULOUS COWBELL!

PLAY SOMETHING FOR ME, BABY.

[ BELL CLANGING ] OH, THAT'S IT!

WORK IT OUT! COME ON, GET LOUDER!

COME ON, GIRL! YEAH!

[ CLANGING CONTINUES ] ALL RIGHT!

GO ON, GIRL! THAT'S HOW SHEILA E. GOT STARTED. OW!

HEY, DID YOU GET JAY ANYTHING?

UH, YOU KNOW, I DON'T NEED ANY GIFTS.

YOUR BEING HERE, KELLY, IS MORE THAN ENOUGH.

OF COURSE I BROUGHT A GIFT FOR JAY.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT. I DID.

THEY WERE ON SALE, HONEY, 2-FOR-1

ONE FOR YOU, BABY GIRL, AND ONE FOR YOU.

[ GASPS ] BABY TEES!

THIS IS VERY SWEET, KELLY,

BUT I DON'T THINK A WOMAN MY AGE COULD REALLY PULL THIS OFF.

[ CHUCKLES ] YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT. RIGHT.

MICHAEL...

COULD YOU HANG THIS UP FOR YOUR SISTER?

YEAH, THAT'S A NICE SHIRT. THANK YOU.

IT'LL MAKE A NICE LITTLE POCKET --

JAY. YES, HONEY?

I LOVE THAT OUTFIT.

OH, WELL, THANK YOU.

REMIND ME... I HAVE TO GET ONE FOR MOM.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

HEY, DON'T I LOOK BEAUTIFUL?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, CLAIRE?

[ LAUGHING ]

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!

I'M GONNA GO CHECK ON MY POT ROAST.

YOU STILL TRYING TO COOK?

YES.

HEY, LOOK, GUYS.

WHY DON'T YOU ALL GO GET CLEANED UP FOR DINNER? GO AHEAD.

[ CLANGING ]

THAT'S IT!

SIT ON DOWN.

HEY, KEL, COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR? WHAT?

I NEED YOU TO TRY TO GET ALONG WITH JAY WHILE YOU'RE HERE.

[ SCOFFS ] MICHAEL, IT'S NOT ME. IT'S HER.

I KNOW. YOU'RE RIGHT. IT'S HER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I FIGURED OUT?

THAT SHE'S A SARCASTIC,

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE LITTLE TROUBLEMAKER.

NOW, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

YEAH. SEE, ME AND YOU, WE'RE ON THE SAME PAGE.

WE KNOW THAT.

SO I NEED YOU TO TRY TO GET ALONG WITH HER.

BE THE BIGGER PERSON.

I'LL TRY.

BUT THE MINUTE THAT JAY STARTS IT...

Y-YOU'RE GONNA FINISH IT.

GOT THAT RIGHT.

WHO WANTS A PLATE OF MAMA KYLE'S HOMEMADE WAFFLES?

MMM! MMM! MMM!

YEAH!

YOU KNOW, THIS IS INTERESTING.

YOU GUYS AREN'T THIS ENTHUSIASTIC

WHEN I MAKE WAFFLES.

THAT'S BECAUSE MY WAFFLES HAVE THE SECRET INGREDIENT.

HERE WE GO.

I KNOW WHAT IT IS!

WHAT IS IT?

I CAN'T TELL YOU. YOU HAVE TO BE BLOOD.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHERE I'VE NEVER BEEN?

CANADA -- NEVER BEEN TO CANADA.

A GROWN MAN LIKE ME NEVER VISITED THE NEIGHBOR UP NORTH.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'VE NEVER SEEN A MOUNTIE.

I'VE NEVER KILLED A MOOSE. I'VE NEVER EVEN SAID, "EH?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

DAD, YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS GREAT ABOUT CANADA?

WHAT SON? CANADIAN BACON.

YES!

YOU KNOW WHAT GOES GREAT WITH CANADIAN BACON?

NO. TELL ME, SON.

AUNT KELLY'S WAFFLES WITH THE SECRET INGREDIENT!

OW!

ENJOY YOUR WAFFLES TODAY, BECAUSE UNFORTUNATELY,

"SECRET INGREDIENT" KELLY IS LEAVING TOMORROW.

OH, I'VE GOT ANOTHER SECRET,

AND THIS ONE I CAN TELL YOU, JAY.

REALLY? WELL, LET ME HAVE IT.

MY MEETING IN BOSTON WAS CANCELLED,

SO I CAN STAY FOR ANOTHER WHOLE WEEK.

ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL?

[ JUNIOR LAUGHING ]

ANOTHER WEEK, Y'ALL!

IT'S HER OR ME, MICHAEL!

IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE. OH, YES, IT IS!

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SAY, "YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO HOME,

BUT YOU GOT TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!"

OKAY, SO I THROW MY SISTER OUT,

AND THEN YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS, JAY?

MY MOTHER SHOWS UP.

SO YOU WANT MY MOTHER HERE? DO YOU WANT MAMA HERE?

NOBODY WANTS THAT.

BUT, MICHAEL, AS LONG AS YOUR SISTER'S IN THIS HOUSE,

I'M NOT GONNA BE HAPPY. AND GUESS WHAT.

I'M GONNA MAKE SURE YOU'RE NOT HAPPY EITHER!

LISTEN, BABY,

INSTEAD OF US THROWING MY FAMILY OUT IN THE STREET,

WHY DON'T WE TRY A DIFFERENT APPROACH?

MM-HMM.

WHY DON'T WE JUST TRY TO MAKE THE NEXT COUPLE OF DAYS

AS FESTIVE AND FUN AS POSSIBLE?

BABE, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE WITH HER AROUND!

NO, IT'S NOT. KELLY'S A LOT OF FUN.

WHEN WE WAS LITTLE, SHE USED TO PLAY ALL THESE THEATER GAMES.

SHE LIKED TO DO SINGALONGS AND RHYMES AND STUFF.

WE COULD DO SOME OF THAT STUFF.

BABY, I AM WILLING TO DO ANYTHING,

BUT SHE'LL JUST TURN IT INTO SOMETHING NEGATIVE.

NO, SHE'S REALLY TRYING, JAY.

[ SCOFFS ] IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT,

SHE HASN'T ONCE MENTIONED SHARON.

HUH?

YES? YES.

ALL RIGHT, SHE HASN'T MENTIONED SHARON.

FINE. I'M WILLING TO RIDE THIS OUT. FINE.

THANK YOU. SEE? NOW YOU'RE THE BIGGER WOMAN.

I MEAN NOT PHYSICALLY.

EMOTIONALLY, LIKE, ROUND --

NOT ROUND.

GO-- 'CAUSE YOU'VE BEEN RUNNING --

SHUT UP, MICHAEL!

A MONTH AGO COULDN'T DO THAT "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE."

HEY, SIS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M FêNG-SHUIING.

JUST TRYING TO GET THE BAD VIBES OUT OF THIS ROOM.

YOU KNOW, SPEAKING OF BAD VIBES,

I REALLY, REALLY NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

OH, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO SAY.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU MARRIED HER EITHER,

BUT YOU GOT TO STICK IN THERE FOR THE KIDS' SAKE,

ESPECIALLY THAT SLOW ONE.

NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT I WAS -- SIT DOWN, PLEASE.

LISTEN, KEL.

I AM GETTING MORE AND MORE FRUSTRATED BY THE --

YES, YOU ARE.

I MEAN YOU FEEL TENSE, TOO, BRO.

TOO BAD JAY'S LITTLE, STUBBY HANDS

CAN'T WORK THESE KINKS OUT.

NO, LISTEN. WAIT. STOP. SEE?

YOU GOT TO STOP DOING THAT.

DOING WHAT?

MAKING CATTY LITTLE REMARKS ABOUT MY WIFE.

I AM NOT BEING CATTY.

IT'S NOT MY FAULT SHE HAS WEBSTER'S HANDS ON SHAQ'S BODY.

SEE? YOU DID IT AGAIN. LOOK, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

KELLY, I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH, BUT THAT'S MY WIFE, OKAY?

I LOVE HER LITTLE, STUBBY HANDS.

AND YOU CAN'T COME IN HERE

AND DISRESPECT HER IN HER OWN HOUSE.

I MEAN, IF YOU CAN'T DO IT FOR HER

CAN YOU DO IT FOR ME?

CAN YOU HELP ME KEEP A LITTLE PEACE IN HERE, PLEASE?

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

JUST LIGHTEN UP. YOU KNOW, LET'S HAVE FUN.

REMEMBER WHEN WE WAS LITTLE, WE USED TO PLAY GAMES?

LET'S DO SOME OF THAT STUFF.

LET'S HAVE A SING-OFF OR SOMETHING.

YEAH, I REMEMBER THAT.

COME ON. LET'S GO DOWNSTAIRS AND DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN,

'CAUSE YOU KNOW I CAN SING.

HEY, HEY, LISTEN.

WHY DON'T MY TWO FAVORITE LADIES SING A DUET?

OOH, YES! MY FAVORITE!

YES. YEAH!

DO YOU KNOW THAT SONG "ENDLESS LOVE"

BY LIONEL RICHIE AND DIANA ROSS?

I SURE DO. GOOD. YOU'RE LIONEL.

YOU START, AND I'LL COME IN A LITTLE LATER, OKAY?

MM-HMM. ALL RIGHT.

♪ MY LOVE ♪

♪ THERE'S ONLY YOU IN MY LIFE ♪

♪ THE ONLY THING THAT'S RIGHT ♪

♪ OH, YEAH, YEAH ♪

[ SINGING OFF-KEY ] ♪ MY FIRST LOVE ♪

♪ YOU'RE EVERY BREATH THAT I TAKE ♪

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. WHAT?

SOMEBODY'S A LITTLE OFF.

YEAH, SOMEBODY IS OFF.

WHY DON'T YOU, UM, STICK YOUR HEAD FORWARD?

RELAX YOUR THROAT SO YOU WON'T SOUND SO [SNORTS] NASAL.

[ SNORTING ]

RIGHT, IN THERE. THAT'S WHERE SHE WAS.

LET'S TRY IT AGAIN.

FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT.

Y FI-- ♪♪ MY FIRST LOVE ♪

HEY!

WHAT?!

I GOT AN IDEA.

HMM?

WHY DON'T YOU JUST, YOU KNOW, LET ME TAKE IT ON HOME.

YOU WANNA TAKE IT ON HOME? I'M GONNA TAKE IT HOME.

GOOD. I'M GONNA CALL YOU A CAB.

[ Singing off-key ] ♪ I ♪

♪ I WANT TO SHARE ♪

♪ MY WHOLE LIFE WITH YOU ♪

UNH-UNH-UNH.

♪ NO ONE ELSE WILL DO ♪

♪ IN YOUR EYES ♪

♪ YOUR EYES ♪

♪ YOUR EYES ♪

OH, MY GOD.

♪ THEY TELL ME HOW MUCH YOU CARE ♪

OH, LORD!

♪ OH, YES ♪

OH, NO.

♪ YOU WILL ALWAYS BE ♪

[ GAGGING ]

♪ MY ♪

♪ ENDLESS ♪

♪ LOVE ♪

OH, MICHAEL.

I DON'T REMEMBER THE SONG BEING THAT LONG.

[ HUMMING ]

[ KELLY SIGHS ]

SO, BRO-BRO...

WHO'S GOT THE BETTER VOICE, BRO-BRO?

YES, WHO HAS GOT THE BETTER VOICE, BRO-BRO?

UH, I DO!

♪ OH, CANADA ♪

♪ CANADA ♪

♪ MY LAND THAT I LOVE ♪

MICHAEL! COME ON, MICHAEL!

♪ YOU GAVE US BACON ♪

♪ AND CANADA DRY GINGER ALE ♪

WHO WON?

CUT IT OUT WITH THE CANADA! WHO WON?

IT WASN'T A CONTEST!

IT WAS -- IF YOU HAVE TO SAY -- IF I HAVE TO SAY --

YOU'RE GONNA PUT ME ON THE SPOT?

IT WAS A TIE. WHAT?!

[ SCOFFS ]

SORRY, JAY.

BRO-BRO KNOWS THE ONLY GIRL WITH THE BETTER VOICE THAN MINE

IS SHARON.

[ KIDS SHOUTING ]

SHARON?

NO, SHE MEANT SHARING --

SHE DON'T MIND SHARING THE PRIZE.

NO, I WAS TALKING ABOUT MY GIRLFRIEND SHARON.

SHA-RON. HOWEVER YOU WANNA CALL HER.

SHARING THE LOVE.

NO, THE GIRL THAT MY BROTHER WAS DESTINED TO MARRY

UNTIL YOU WENT AND GOT YOURSELF IN THE KYLE FAMILY WAY.

OH, SO I GAVE BIRTH TO THREE CHILDREN

JUST TO GET HIM AWAY FROM SHARON?

IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK?!

SHE DIDN'T THINK THAT, NO. YES.

NO.

MICHAEL! MICHAEL!

[ SIGHING LOUDLY ]

[ SIGHS ]

HOW DID THE FAINTING GO?

NOT GOOD AT ALL.

THEY REVIVED ME WITH MORE FIGHTING.

[ GROANS ]

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? I DON'T KNOW.

BUT IF YOU CAN GET THIS PIECE OF CAR WORKING,

WE COULD DRIVE UP TO CANADA.

REALLY, DAD. THIS IS CRAZY.

WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING.

WELL, I'M OPEN TO SUGGESTIONS.

WELL, WHEN CLAIRE AND I FIGHT, YOU ALWAYS SIT US DOWN

AND MAKE US SEE THE OTHER PERSON'S POINT OF VIEW.

AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, YOU BEAT US.

YEAH, WELL, I CAN'T TAKE YOUR MOM.

NO.

SO, MAYBE I'LL JUST TALK TO HER.

TRY IT.

WISH ME LUCK.

OH, BY THE WAY,

IS CLAIRE GONNA BE LIKE THAT WHEN I GET MARRIED?

NO. KADY'S THE PSYCHO.

WELL, IF YOU HAD A LIFE OF YOUR OWN,

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO MEDDLE IN MINE!

IS THAT A FACT? THAT IS A FACT!

OKAY, HOLD IT! HOLD IT!

[ CLANGING ]

OKAY, I'M TIRED OF YOU TWO GROWN WOMEN BICKERING!

YOU'RE ACTING LIKE CHILDREN,

SO I'M GONNA TREAT YOU LIKE CHILDREN.

SIT DOWN.

COME ON, SIT DOWN! SIT DOWN!

NOW, LET'S GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS, OKAY?

I WANT YOU TO TALK TO EACH OTHER, NOT AT EACH OTHER.

I'M NOT TALKING. WELL, I'LL GO FIRST.

WHY SHE GOT TO GO FIRST?

BECAUSE SHE SAID SHE WANTED TO GO FIRST.

YOU SAID --

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, KELLY.

LOOK JAY IN THE EYE AND TELL HER WHAT YOU FEEL.

I CAN'T FORGIVE YOU FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BEST FRIEND, SHARON.

MICHAEL, SHARON, AND I WERE LIKE THE THREE MUSKETEERS

UNTIL YOU CAME ALONG AND RUINED EVERYTHING.

OH, I RUINED EVERYTHING? EVERYTHING!

[ CLANGING ]

WHAT KELLY IS TRYING TO SAY IS SHE BLAMES YOU, JAY,

FOR TAKING ME AWAY FROM HER AND HER BEST FRIEND WHAT'S-HER-NAME.

AND THAT WAS VERY PAINFUL TO HER.

IT WAS TOUGH.

LOSING ME TO ANYONE WOULD BE DEVASTATING.

NOW, JAY, I WANT YOU TO LOOK KELLY IN THE EYE

AND EXPRESS YOURSELF.

TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL.

ALL RIGHT.

I DON'T APPRECIATE YOU COMING INTO MY HOME

TRYING TO TAKE OVER WITH YOUR SINGING

AND YOUR PRESENTS AND YOUR SECRET INGREDIENTS,

AND LET'S DISCUSS SHARON FOR ONE SECOND.

SHE LOST! I WON! GET OVER IT!

AND THE THREE MUSKETEERS IS A CANDY BAR, BABY.

IS THAT RIGHT?

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING, CLANGING ]

AIN'T YOU GLAD YOU BOUGHT THE BELL?

WHAT JAY IS TRYING TO SAY WITHOUT ALL THIS...

IS IT'S HARD FOR HER TO SEE ME IN ANY RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE

THAT PREDATES THE RELATIONSHIP THAT WE HAVE.

AM I RIGHT?

WELL, ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ME OR SHARON?

SEE? THERE SHE GOES -- [ CLANGING ]

♪ OH, CANADA ♪

♪ THE CAPITAL IS OTTAWA ♪

♪ THEY EXPORT WHEAT ♪

ALL RIGHT! MICHAEL.

♪ MOOSES ♪

LISTEN...

I LOVE BOTH OF YOU.

OKAY?

AND THE ONLY THING YOU GUYS HAVE IN COMMON

IS THE FACT THAT YOU BOTH LOVE ME, RIGHT?

RIGHT.

RIGHT?

YEAH, YEAH, I LOVE YOU.

OKAY.

SO, CAN YOU LOVE ME ENOUGH TO STOP HATING EACH OTHER?

I WILL LEAVE YOU TO PONDER THAT.

LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION, MICHAEL.

JAY, THAT WAS A BEAUTIFUL FINISH.

HOW DO YOU HATE EACH OTHER TO LOVE ME TO HATE --

ALL RIGHT, ONE QUESTION?

I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO TOP THAT FINISH, BUT GO AHEAD.

IF YOUR SISTER AND I WERE BOTH DROWNING,

AND YOU COULD ONLY SAVE ONE OF US,

WHICH ONE WOULD IT BE?

YOU GUYS ARE CONSTANTLY MAKING ME CHOOSE.

I CAN'T CHOOSE, OKAY?

THE TRUTH IS I'D PROBABLY DIE TRYING TO SAVE BOTH OF YOU.

AND I DID TOP IT.

Kelly: ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, SIS.

YOUR CAB IS WAITING FOR YOU OUTSIDE.

I'LL MISS YOU, AUNT KELLY.

YOU SURE? YES, I'M SURE.

BYE, BABY. I'LL MISS YOU, TOO.

BYE, MISS KADY.

I'LL MISS YOU, AUNT KELLY.

I'LL MISS YOU, TOO.

WELL. WELL.

I KNOW IT WASN'T A FUN-FILLED WEEKEND AT DISNEYLAND --

YEAH, BUT WE SURVIVED IT.

YEAH.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ LAUGHS ]

OKAY. OKAY.

NUTMEG.

WHAT YOU CALL ME?

NO!

THAT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT.

BYE, JAY.

BYE.

I thought it was cinnamon.

Shh!

♪ OH, CANADA ♪

♪ I LOVE YOU, CANADA ♪

COME ON, MICHAEL!

♪ YOU GAVE US BACON ♪

MICHAEL!

[ LAUGHTER ]

KELLY, I THINK THIS IS VERY SWEET AND ALL,

BUT I DON'T THINK A WOMAN -- WHAT IS THE LINE?

All: MY AGE!

DAMN. MM-HMM.