Original subtitles

WHAT'S UP?

DON'T "WHAT'S UP?" ME, YOU BIG-HEADED MORON, BOULDERHEAD.

LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID TO MY SHIRT, DOOFUS.

IT'S GOT OIL STAINS ALL OVER IT.

OH, IT'S NOT OIL. THAT'S BRAKE FLUID.

HOW DARE YOU TAKE SOMETHING OF MINE

AND USE IT TO CLEAN THAT STUPID BROKEN-DOWN CAR OF YOURS.

WELL, YOUR SHIRT WAS ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR.

DUMMY. I PUT EVERYTHING ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR.

THEN MOM COMES, PICKS IT UP, AND CLEANS IT.

THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S HOW IT WORKS.

YOU SHUT UP.

I DON'T WANT YOU EVER TOUCHING MY STUFF -- EVER, EVER, EVER.

YOU GOT THAT, CHROME DOME?

YEAH? WELL, YOU LEAVE MY STUFF ALONE, TOO.

I NEVER TOUCH YOUR STUFF.

OH, REALLY?

WHAT'S THIS, HUH?

YOU BEDAZZLED MY BASKETBALL JERSEY.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE DONE WITH THAT.

DIDN'T THEY THROW YOU OFF THE TEAM?

NO, BUT THEY WILL NOW, THANKS TO YOU.

HEY, GUYS, DON'T FIGHT! LISTEN TO MY HAPPY SONG!

♪ HEY, LITTLE CRITTER, HEY, LITTLE CRITTER ♪

I HATE YOU SO MUCH! I HATE YOU MORE!

YOU SMELL!

I DON'T CARE! THAT'S MY MAN SCENT!

THEY'RE AT IT AGAIN. THIS IS TORTURE.

I GOT AN IDEA.

WHY DON'T WE TELL THE KIDS THAT WE'RE GOING OUT TO DINNER

AND JUST DON'T COME HOME?

YOU MEAN LIKE SPEND THE NIGHT IN A HOTEL?

NO, I MEAN RUN AWAY.

WE GOT MONEY AND A FULL TANK OF GAS.

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

GO DEAL WITH YOUR KIDS.

OH, THEY'RE MY KIDS NOW?

YOU PUT THOSE BURGERS ON THE GRILL.

NOW GO FLIP THEM.

Claire: JUST SHUT UP! Junior: YOU SHUT UP!

YOU SHUT UP! YOU SHUT UP!

NO! YOU SHUT UP!

HEY! EVERYBODY SHUT UP.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

IF YOU PUT HALF THIS ENERGY INTO DOING YOUR CHORES,

WE'D HAVE A CLEAN HOUSE BY NOW.

I AM SICK AND TIRED OF ALL THIS FIGHTING.

NOT ME, DADDY. I'M YOUR GOOD BABY.

I WAS DOING MY HAPPY DANCE.

♪ HEY, LITTLE CRITTER, HEY, LITTLE CRITTER ♪

♪ HEY, LITTLE CRITTER, HEY, HEY... ♪

THAT'S VERY CUTE.

♪ SMILE, LITTLE CRITTER, SMILE, LITTLE CRITTER ♪

♪ SMILE, LITTLE CRITTER... ♪

THAT'S VERY SPECIAL.

♪ ARE YOU HAPPY, LITTLE CRITTER? HAPPY, LI-- ♪

ENOUGH.

OKAY.

YOU WANT TO HEAR WHAT SHE DID?

NO. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR WHAT ANYONE DID.

YOU KNOW, SINCE YOU GUYS CAN'T SEEM TO FIND

ANYTHING YOU LIKE ABOUT EACH OTHER, I'M GONNA HELP YOU OUT.

YOU'RE GONNA GET ME MY OWN APARTMENT?

UH...NO.

BUT WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO IS YOU SIT HERE, AND YOU SIT HERE,

AND I WANT YOU TO STARE AT EACH OTHER

AND FIND OUT THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT EACH OTHER

AND THEN WRITE THEM DOWN.

WE COULD BE HERE FOREVER.

WELL, JUST TO SPEED THINGS UP, KADY'S GONNA ASSIST YOU

BY SINGING NONSTOP THE HAPPY CRITTER SONG

UNTIL YOU COME UP WITH SOMETHING YOU LIKE ABOUT EACH OTHER.

TAKE IT AWAY, KADY.

♪ HEY, LITTLE CRITTER, HEY, LITTLE CRITTER ♪

♪ HEY, LITTLE CRITTER, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY ♪

♪ HEY, LITTLE CRITTER, HEY, LITTLE CRITTER ♪

I CAN'T GET THAT STUPID SONG OUT OF MY HEAD.

WHATEVER YOU DID, THANK YOU FOR SHUTTING THEM UP.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

HEY, YOU WANT TO HAVE SOME REAL FUN?

YEAH. READY.

IF YOU WANT TO TAKE THE TEST IN YOUR UNDERWEAR,

THEN FINE, BE MY GUEST.

OKAY, GO AHEAD. [ COUGHS ]

GO AHEAD.

I'M TALKING ABOUT THIS TEST -- TESTING YOUR ROMANTIC QUOTIENT.

I THOUGHT IT'D BE A HOOT.

A HOOT, HUH?

AND "HOOT" DO YOU THINK YOU'RE KIDDING WITH THAT?

COME ON, MICHAEL. PLAY ALONG.

UH...NO.

COME ON, BABY! COME ON. JUST FOR A FEW LAUGHS.

AND TAKING MY PANTS DOWN WASN'T FUNNY?

A LITTLE BIT.

A LI-- [ LAUGHS MOCKINGLY ] A LITTLE!

WHATEVER. I'M FUNNY.

OKAY. "YOUR SPOUSE'S EYES ARE...?"

CLOSED, BUT HER BRA IS OPEN.

NO!

I'M TALKING ABOUT MY COLOR OF MY EYES.

UM...BROWN.

BROWN?!

...ISH. ...ISH?!

IN A BLACKISH, KINDA BLUISH, GREENISH SORT OF WAY.

MY EYES ARE HAZEL.

WELL, THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

YOU MIX BROWNISH, GREENISH, BLUISH, YOU GONNA GET HAZEL.

I DON'T WANT TO PLAY ANYMORE. NO. WHY NOT?

BECAUSE YOU'RE STARTING TO GET MAD.

I'M NOT GETTING MAD. COME ON, BABE.

"YOUR MATE'S IDEA OF A PERFECT DATE IS...

"'A' -- A WALK ON THE BEACH,

"'B' -- STARGAZING AT A PRISTINE MOUNTAINTOP,

OR 'C' -- DINNER AND A CARRIAGE RIDE THROUGH A PARK?"

"C" -- BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING YOU LIKE BETTER THAN

A SHRIMP DINNER FOLLOWED BY THE SWEET SMELL OF HORSE ASS.

WILL YOU PLEASE BE SERIOUS?

OKAY, I'M SERIOUS. I'M SERIOUS GEORGE RIGHT NOW.

AND...

WHAT IS THE NEXT QUESTION?

THAT'S NOT SERIOUS, BUT OKAY.

"WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING IS YOUR PARTNER'S FAVORITE FOOD --

PIZZA, STEAK, LOBSTER, OR CHEESECAKE?"

ALL OF THE ABOVE.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? KEEP ON JOKING.

THAT'S EXACTLY HOW THE MAGAZINE SAID --

REALLY? DID THIS MAGAZINE SAY THAT I WOULD DO THAT?

BABY, THOSE MAGAZINES ARE SKEWED TO A WOMAN'S POINT OF VIEW.

SAME THING WITH MEN'S MAGAZINES.

WATCH THIS. LET'S TAKE A TEST.

HOLD UP.

YOU HAVE A SECRET HIDING PLACE FOR DIRTY MAGAZINES?

ALL MEN DO.

COME ON, DON'T TRY TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

LET'S TAKE A LITTLE TEST FROM HETERO MAGAZINE.

FINE. [ SCOFFS ] I'LL PASS IT.

OKAY. NO...DON'T CHEAT.

OKAY, GO!

"YOUR PARTNER'S IDEA OF A ROMANTIC EVENING IS...

"'A' -- A NIGHT AT THE OPERA FOLLOWED BY DINNER AND DANCING,

"'B' -- A MOONLIT PICNIC ON A TROPICAL ISLAND,

OR 'C' -- SLOPPY, DRUNKEN SEX?"

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick --

IT'S BETWEEN "A" AND "B."

[ IMITATES BUZZER ] WRONG ANSWER!

NUMBER-ONE ANSWER IS SLOPPY, DRUNKEN SEX.

NO, NO, NO, NO! GIVE ME THE NEXT QUESTION.

THERE'S NO NEXT QUESTION. THERE'S ONLY ONE QUESTION.

THAT'S ALL MEN WANT TO KNOW,

AND APPARENTLY, YOU DON'T KNOW YOUR MAN.

SO ACCORDING TO THE MAGAZINE, WE ARE ROMANTICALLY INCOMPATIBLE.

WELL, I GUESS WE ARE, THEN.

WANT TO FOOL AROUND?

SURE DO. ME TOO.

Kady: ♪ HEY, LITTLE CRITTER, HEY, LITTLE CRITTER ♪

Junior: WILL YOU STOP SINGING THAT STUPID SONG?

♪ THE SONG AIN'T STUPID, THE SONG AIN'T STUPID ♪

Claire: I'M GONNA CHOKE YOU!

DID YOU WRITE DOWN SOMETHING YOU LIKE ABOUT EACH OTHER YET?

[ KADY GURGLING ] Together: NOT YET, DAD.

ALL RIGHT. THEN STOP STRANGLING THE BABY AND GET BACK TO WORK.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO WITH THESE KIDS?

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT, IF YOU CAN'T BEAT THEM --

AND THE LAW SUGGESTS YOU DON'T --

THEN WHY DON'T WE JOIN THEM?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, PRETEND TO FIGHT?

YEAH. GIVE THEM A TASTE OF THEIR OWN MEDICINE.

WE FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE, JUST ARGUE LIKE CATS AND DOGS.

MICHAEL, YOU ARE THE ONLY MAN ON THIS EARTH

THAT WOULD THINK OF SOMETHING SO AWFUL.

I KNOW.

OKAY, I'M IN. YUP, I'M IN.

Junior: I JUST THOUGHT OF SOMETHING NICE ABOUT YOU --

THAT SOMEDAY YOU'LL BE DEAD.

WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT GIVING ME LIP, WOMAN?!

WHO DIED AND MADE YOU THE KING, MAN?!

NOBODY YET, BUT YOU KEEP SASSING ME,

THERE GONNA BE A BEHEADING UP IN HERE!

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO BLAME ON ME NOW, MICHAEL?!

YOU CAN'T CONTROL YOUR OWN KIDS! YOU'RE TOO SOFT ON THEM!

THEY RUN AROUND HERE LIKE WILD BANSHEES!

WELL, THEY GET IT FROM YOUR SIDE OF THE FAMILY!

YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE WILD-BANSHEE TRAIT!

YEAH, YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT FAMILY --

WHAT ABOUT YOUR MAMA?!

COME AROUND HERE WITH THAT OLD CROOKED WIG

SMELLING LIKE CORN CHIPS AND LIKE A POCKET FULL OF CHEESE!

AND DON'T GET ME STARTED WITH THE LIVER SPOTS!

SHE GOT SO MANY SPOTS ON HER, SHE LOOK LIKE A DALMATIAN!

TOO REAL? TOO REAL.

OH, I'M SORRY.

I GOT CAUGHT UP IN THE --

YEAH, WHATEVER.

BUT LISTEN TO THAT, BABY. YOU HEAR THAT?

I DON'T HEAR ANYTHING.

IT'S WORKING. SILENCE.

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

EVERYBODY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD HEARD THAT.

DAD ACTUALLY CALLED GRANDMA A DALMATIAN.

HE ALWAYS DOES.

NOT TO MOM'S FACE. THIS IS SERIOUS.

WELL, IT'S NOT MY FAULT.

THEY'RE FIGHTING BECAUSE OF YOU GUYS.

LIKE "HEY, LITTLE CRITTER" DOESN'T GET ON THEIR NERVES.

NO. DADDY LIKES IT. NOBODY LIKES IT!

STOP YELLING! YOU STOP YELLING!

YOU STOP YELLING!

LOOK, WE ALL NEED TO STOP YELLING.

THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE FIGHTING ABOUT.

YOU KNOW, THIS IS HOW COUPLES BREAK UP.

OH, COME ON. MOM AND DAD'LL NEVER BREAK UP.

THAT'S WHAT WE SAID ABOUT BRITNEY AND JUSTIN.

WHAT SHOULD WE DO?

WELL, I KNOW WHAT WE SHOULDN'T DO.

WE SHOULDN'T DO ANYTHING TO MAKE IT WORSE.

WE HAVE TO BE ON OUR BEST BEHAVIOR.

WE HAVE TO STOP FIGHTING.

THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. WE HATE EACH OTHER.

WE REALLY DO HATE EACH OTHER.

BUT WE COULD PRETEND TO LIKE EACH OTHER WHEN THEY'RE AROUND.

YOU KNOW, KIND OF LIKE THE JACKSONS DID

FOR ALL THOSE YEARS.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

DEAL.

HEY, SON. WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE?

NOTHING. JUST A LITTLE HOUSEWORK.

OKAY. SEQUINS TOP, HOUSEWORK, AND --

AND A COPY OF WOMEN'S CIRCLE MAGAZINE IN YOUR POCKET.

THAT'S A GREAT MAGAZINE, DAD.

OH, YEAH? DO YOU LIKE THE BRA ADS, SON?

DO YOU LIKE THE BRA ADS?

YEAH. Thank God.

AND THIS FABULOUS ARTICLE IN HERE --

"101 WAYS TO PLEASE YOUR MAN."

OKAY, I'M SCARED AGAIN.

HOW DOES THIS APPLY TO YOU?

SEE, I JUST PUT A "WO" IN FRONT OF THE "MAN,"

AND IT BECOMES "WO-MAN."

OKAY.

FOR INSTANCE,

"WHEN YOUR 'WO-MAN' COMES HOME FROM A HARD DAY AT THE OFFICE,

"GREET YOUR 'WO-MAN' HOLDING A MARTINI

WHILE WRAPPED NAKED IN CELLOPHANE."

HEY, BABY.

HI.

CLAIRE!

IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO TO HELP?

OH, I'M JUST GETTING READY TO GO DO THE LAUNDRY.

OH, NO! I'LL DO IT FOR YOU.

OH. OKAY.

HOW WONDERFUL IS THIS?

THAT'S RIGHT, BABY.

RIGHT NOW WE HAVE THREE PERFECT CHILDREN!

AS LONG AS WE KEEP ARGUING, WE'RE GONNA BE IN HEAVEN.

YOU'RE A GENIUS.

Claire: HOW DO YOU OPEN THE WASHER?

[ GAGS ]

YOU'RE CHOKING ME, WOMAN!

I'LL FIGURE IT OUT.

BABY, I AM SO SORRY.

THAT'S OKAY. I LIKE IT. DO IT AGAIN.

NIBBLE ON MY EAR. NIBBLE ON...

LIKE THAT? LIKE THAT?

NOW SPIT ON MY HEAD AND SMACK IT.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO ARGUE ABOUT NOW?

I THINK THE KIDS HAVE HAD ENOUGH.

COME ON. NOT ONLY HAVE THEY STOPPED FIGHTING,

BUT THEY'RE ACTUALLY WORKING TOGETHER NOW.

WE CAN'T STOP THIS.

OH, BABE, I'M STILL NOT CONVINCED.

OKAY. THEN CONSIDER THIS --

IMAGINE A WORLD

WHERE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO DO JUNIOR'S LAUNDRY AGAIN.

I DON'T KNOW.

COME ON, NOW, CLOSE YOUR EYES AND VISUALIZE THE SOCKS.

SEE THOSE SOCKS, JAY.

OKAY, NOW HERE COME THE UNDERWEAR.

OH. OH.

DO YOU SEE THE... [ IMITATES BRAKES SQUEALING ]

YOU SEE THAT... [ IMITATES BRAKES SQUEALING ]

I SEE IT. I SEE IT.

OKAY, NOW LISTEN TO THE UNDERWEAR TALK.

[ GROWLS ]

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!

ALL RIGHT. LET'S JUST ARGUE ABOUT COOKING OR SOMETHING.

OKAY, LIKE YOUR FOOD IS SO BAD --

YEAH, THAT'S GOOD. HERE THEY COME.

I TOLD YOU I DON'T LIKE MY EGGS FRIED.

HOW MANY TIMES I GOTTA TELL YOU?

I WANT SCRAMBLED EGGS, WOMAN, SCRAMBLED.

YOU WANT SCRAMBLED EGGS?!

THERE YOU GO.

SCRAMBLED EGGS!

HAPPY?

I HAVEN'T BEEN HAPPY SINCE YOU LEARNED TO COOK!

THEN MAYBE THIS'LL MAKE YOU HAPPY, DADDY.

♪ HEY, LITTLE CRITTER, HEY, LITTLE CRITTER ♪

♪ HEY, LITTLE CRITTER, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY ♪

OH, YEAH. THAT CHEERED ME UP.

MY LITTLE ONE-HIT WONDER. THANK YOU, BABY.

HEY, MOM, I FINISHED DOING THE LAUNDRY FOR YOU.

OH, THANK YOU, BABY.

AT LEAST SOMEBODY AROUND HERE HELPS ME OUT!

WHAT? YOU DON'T HELP ME OUT.

WHAT ABOUT MY CAR? IT'S FILTHY.

THAT'S FUNNY YOU SAID THAT, DAD,

BECAUSE JUNIOR WAS TELLING ME THAT HE WAS GONNA WASH YOUR CAR.

I WAS?

REALLY? YOU'D DO THAT FOR YOUR DEAR OLD DAD?

YEP. HE'D BE HAPPY TO.

THAT WOULD SURE MAKE MY STRESS LEVEL GO DOWN.

JUST LIKE CLAIRE WOULD BE HAPPY

TO VACUUM THE WHOLE, ENTIRE HOUSE.

REMEMBER WHEN YOU SAID THAT, CLAIRE?

YEAH. ANYTHING TO LOWER THOSE STRESS LEVELS.

SHE'LL CLEAN THE WHOLE HOUSE -- INSIDE AND OUT --

WON'T YOU, CLAIRE?

YEAH.

WHAT CAN I DO?

WELL, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET YOUR MOTHER

TO WASH MY FEET FOR THE PAST MONTH OR SO,

BUT I GUESS IT WOULD BE BETTER WITH THESE LITTLE HANDS

THAT CAN WRAP AROUND THE BUNION

AND MILK OUT ALL THAT EXCESS JUICE.

AND THEN THEM LITTLE FINGERS --

YOU GOT THE PERFECT SIZE TO REACH UP IN THERE

AND SNATCH THE GOOK OUT.

[ SIGHS ] [ SIGHS ] [ SIGHS ]

OH, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

IF I HAVE TO CLEAN ANOTHER TOILET, I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF.

I FEEL LIKE CINDERELLA.

AT LEAST YOU DON'T HAVE BUNION CHEESE ON YOUR HANDS.

I'D GIVE ANYTHING FOR BUNION CHEESE AFTER THE SQUISHED BUGS

AND BIRD DOO-DOO I HAD TO SCRAPE OFF THAT CAR.

Michael: WHERE'S MY COMB, WOMAN?!

Jay: WHY, BALDY?! WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO, REMINISCE?!

THEY'RE AT IT AGAIN.

I'M SICK AND TIRED OF LISTENING TO THIS STUFF.

IT'S TORTURE.

OKAY, WE'VE GOTTA DO SOMETHING

'CAUSE I'M DYING FROM ALL THIS WORK.

WE'VE GOTTA DO WHAT THEY WOULD DO.

WE HAVE TO TALK TO THEM ON THEIR OWN LEVEL.

HEY, DAD. I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

WHOA, THIS SOUNDS SERIOUS.

IT IS.

[ SIGHS ]

HOW LONG HAVE I KNOWN YOU, DAD?

UM...HOW OLD ARE YOU?

DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

OKAY, PROBABLY 16, 17 YEARS.

THAT'S A LONG TIME, ALMOST MY WHOLE LIFE.

AND IN THAT TIME,

I HAVE NEVER SEEN YOU ACT IN SUCH A CHILDISH MANNER.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

THIS FIGHTING IS SILLY, AND IT'S IMPACTING EVERYONE.

WELL, SHE STARTED IT.

I DON'T CARE WHO STARTED IT.

I DON'T HAVE TO -- SIT DOWN!

IT'S UP TO YOU TO FINISH IT.

BUT --

NO BUTS.

SEE, LOVE IS A FLOWER THAT WILL ONLY BLOOM

IN THE RICH SOIL OF UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE.

YOU READING WOMEN'S CIRCLE AGAIN?

OH, IT'S A GREAT MAGAZINE, DAD!

UH, LOOK, SON, I APPRECIATE WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO,

BUT YOUR MOM AND I -- IT'S KIND OF LIKE YOU AND CLAIRE.

YOU KNOW HOW YOU DON'T LIKE HER,

HOW JUST THE SIGHT OF HER MAKES YOUR SKIN CRAWL?

YEAH.

WELL, THAT'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOUR MOTHER.

BUT THERE'S SOME GOOD THINGS ABOUT CLAIRE, TOO.

SHE'S NOT ALL BAD.

REALLY? LIKE WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW. LOTS OF THINGS.

I CAN'T THINK OF ONE RIGHT NOW,

BUT I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT I DON'T HATE HER ALL THE TIME.

WELL, IT SEEMS LIKE IT. YOU GUYS ARE ALWAYS FIGHTING.

THAT'S BECAUSE IF I LET HER KNOW THAT I LIKE HER --

EVEN A LITTLE BIT -- SHE'LL WANT TO HANG OUT WITH ME.

SHE'LL CRAMP MY STYLE.

WOW, JUNIOR, THIS HAS BEEN A REVELATION FOR ME.

THANK YOU. YOU'VE OPENED MY EYES.

I HAVE?

YEAH. I REALIZE THAT YOUR MOTHER IS CRAMPING MY STYLE.

THANKS, SON.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR, DOOR OPENS ]

HEY. YOU WANTED TO SEE ME?

YES.

UM, MOM, WHEN PEOPLE ARE TOGETHER FOR A WHILE,

THERE'S A DANGER THAT THEY'LL TAKE EACH OTHER FOR GRANTED.

UM, I'M NOT SURE I FOLLOW YOU.

HELLO! I'M OVER HERE!

OH. SORRY.

YOU AND DAD HAVE TO STOP THIS STUPID FIGHTING.

WELL, WHY?

YOU AND JUNIOR FIGHT ALL THE TIME.

THAT'S BECAUSE YELLING IS THE ONLY WAY TO GET HIS ATTENTION.

OH.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

MOM, THE BOY EATS BEANS WITH HIS HANDS.

I DON'T KNOW IF HE'S TRULY STUPID OR JUST LAZY,

BUT EITHER WAY, SOMEBODY'S GOTTA LOOK OUT FOR HIM.

OH, I GET IT.

YELLING IS THE ONLY WAY TO GET YOUR DADDY'S ATTENTION.

THANKS, CLAIRE.

I'M GLAD SOMEBODY UNDERSTANDS.

[ GIGGLES ]

WAIT, I --

HOW'D IT GO?

IT'S LIKE TALKING TO A WALL.

YEAH. I DON'T THINK I GOT THROUGH TO DAD, EITHER.

TOLD YOU WE SHOULD TRY THE POWER OF SONG.

UH...NO.

COME ON, JUNIOR, THINK.

[ SIGHS ] OW!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

I JUST GOT AN IDEA.

HOW CAN YOU TELL?

BECAUSE MY HEAD HURTS.

NOW, Shh! DON'T SAY ANYTHING OR IT WILL GO AWAY.

DANG, I LOST IT!

OW! OKAY, BACK.

OKAY, HERE IT IS --

NUMBER ONE OF "101 WAYS TO PLEASE YOUR 'WO-MAN'" --

A CANDLELIGHT DINNER FOR TWO.

THAT IS A GREAT IDEA.

I KNOW. WHAT'D I SAY?

THIS BETTER NOT BE A JOKE.

DAD, MEET MOM.

MOM, SAY HELLO TO DAD.

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

WELL, WE KNOW HOW WE'VE BEEN STRESSING YOU GUYS OUT LATELY,

SO TO MAKE UP FOR IT, WE'VE COOKED YOU A ROMANTIC DINNER.

AND WE HAVE SOME GREAT ENTERTAINMENT FOR YOU, TOO.

SO WHILE I GO CHECK ON THE "HORSE DEE OVARIES"...

WHAT?

I THINK HE MEANS HORS D'OEUVRES.

THOSE THINGS.

SIT BACK, RELAX, AND ENJOY THE SEDUCTIVE SOUNDS OF LADY KYLE.

[ GIGGLES ]

[ PLAYS NOTE ON HARMONICA ]

♪ HEY, LITTLE CRITTER ♪

♪ HE-E-E-Y, LITTLE CRITTER ♪

♪ HEY, LITTLE CRITTER ♪

♪ HEY, HEY ♪

ALL RIGHT.

OH, THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

THERE'S MORE.

OH. OKAY.

♪ DON'T FIGHT, LITTLE CRITTERS ♪

♪ I WON'T FIGHT ♪

♪ DON'T FIGHT, LITTLE CRITTERS ♪

♪ I WON'T FIGHT ♪

♪ DON'T FI-I-I-GHT, LITTLE CRITTERS ♪

♪ EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE OKAY ♪

[ Laughing ] OKAY, BABY.

OH, THAT WAS SO SWEET.

EXCUSE ME, LADY KYLE.

THERE YOU GO.

WHAT IS THAT SMELL?

[ GAGGING ]

HERE WE HAVE DELICIOUS BITS OF SPAM

FESTOONED WITH PUMPKIN SEEDS ON RITZ CRACKERS.

AND -- AND BLACKENED CATFISH.

WE'RE GONNA LET YOU OFF THE HOOK.

HERE, BURY THIS. BURY THIS.

EVERYBODY, SIT DOWN. SIT.

OKAY, LISTEN, YOUR MOTHER AND I HAVE NOT BEEN ARGUING.

WE'VE JUST BEEN PRETENDING TO FIGHT

BECAUSE WE WANTED TO SHOW YOU GUYS

HOW ANNOYING AND DISRUPTIVE IT IS.

AND YOU GUYS NEED TO THINK ABOUT THIS -- WE ARE A FAMILY.

YEAH, AND SOMETIMES FAMILIES FIGHT,

BUT WHEN I HEAR YOU TALKING ABOUT HOW YOU HATE YOUR BROTHER

AND HOW YOU WISH YOUR SISTER WOULD DIE,

YOU'RE CROSSING THE LINE, AND I DON'T WANT TO HEAR

THAT KIND OF TALK IN THIS HOUSE ANYMORE.

WELL, ACTUALLY, I DID FIND THREE THINGS ABOUT JUNIOR THAT I LIKE.

WELL, I WANT YOU TO SHARE THAT WITH HIM.

WELL, YOU MAKE ME LAUGH, AND I FEEL SAFE AROUND YOU,

BUT MOST OF ALL, I FEEL REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY SMART

WHEN I'M AROUND YOU.

WHY, THANK YOU, CLAIRE.

AND I HAVE MY LIST ABOUT CLAIRE.

OKAY, I WANT YOU TO TELL HER THAT.

I LIKE YOUR CONFIDENCE, YOUR HUMOR,

AND YOUR FRIEND TONYA WITH THE BIG BUTT.

A-HA HA! A-HA HA! HEH!

[ SIGHS ]

WELL, WE MADE SOME KIND OF BREAKTHROUGH.

THIS IS GOOD.

SO EVERYTHING'S OKAY?

YES, BABY, EVERYTHING'S OKAY.

YOU PROMISE?

PROMISE. PROMISE.

PINKIE SWEAR?

PINKIE SWEAR. PINKIE SWEAR.

SPIN-AROUND PINKIE SWEAR?

SPIN AROUND... SPIN AROUND AND A PINKIE SWEAR.

HOP ON ONE LEG, SPIN-AROUND PINKIE SWEAR?

OKAY, KID, YOU'RE ANNOYING ME.

BUT YOU TWO HAVE TO KISS TO PROVE IT.

[ SMOOCHES ]

THERE. YOU HAPPY?

NO, A REAL KISS LIKE WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK.

OKAY.

YOU CAN STOP NOW.

THIS IS GETTING ICKY.

[ SIGHS ]

CLAIRE, JUNIOR, THERE'S GONNA BE A NEW BABY!

HEY, BABE. YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW STUPID THIS MAGAZINE IS.

CHECK OUT THE 58th WAY TO PLEASE YOUR MAN.

GREET HIM AT THE DOOR HOLDING A MARTINI WRAPPED IN CELLOPHANE.

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU STILL THINK IT'S STUPID?

[ Laughing ] OH, MY!

COME HERE, WOMAN.

HELP ME FIND THOSE OLIVES.

[ LAUGHS ]

OOH!

THIS IS GONNA BE THE SAFEST SEX WE EVER HAD, HUH?

♪ HEY, LITTLE CRITTER -- ♪

DON'T SAY LITTLE. BIG CRITTER.

♪ HEY, BIG CRITTER ♪

♪ HEY, BIG -- ♪

[ BOTH LAUGHING ]