Original subtitles

[ WHISTLING ]

GOOD MORNING.

DADDY, STOP IT!

WHAT? CAN'T I KISS YOU GOOD MORNING?

NO, IT'S GROSS!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO CLAIRE?

I'M JUST BEING A LOVING DAD.

EW. YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER. SHE'S A TEENAGER.

YOU KNOW WHAT? SOMETHING'S UP WITH THAT GIRL.

I CAN FEEL IT. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG,

BUT SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH HER.

MAYBE WE SHOULD SIT HER DOWN. HAVE A HEART-TO-HEART.

SHE'LL OPEN UP AND TELL US WHAT'S GOING ON IN HER LIFE.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

THAT'S FUNNY.

THANK YOU. I THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY, TOO.

IMAGINE THAT.

YEAH!

HEY, BABY, WHY ARE YOU READING THAT PAPER LIKE THAT?

I DON'T KNOW, I THINK THE PRINT IS SMALLER.

ARE YOU STILL HAVING PROBLEMS WITH YOUR EYES?

YESTERDAY, YOUR EYES WERE BURNING.

TODAY, YOU CAN'T READ?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I CAN STILL SEE HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE.

OH, THANK YOU,

BUT I'M MAKING YOU THE EYE APPOINTMENT RIGHT NOW.

AW, COME ON, JAY, I DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE EYE DOCTOR.

I DON'T LIKE NOBODY POKING AROUND IN MY ORIFICES.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA GIVE YOU

ONE MORE CHANCE TO PROTECT YOUR ORIFICES.

HOW MANY FINGERS DO I HAVE UP?

LET ME SEE.

Uh, how many fingers your mother got up?

Two.

TWO.

WRONG.

WHAT? TECHNICALLY, A THUMB IS NOT A FINGER.

SEE, THE OPPOSABLE THUMB

IS WHAT SETS US APART FROM OTHER ANIMALS.

REALLY? LET ME SEE THAT THUMB.

AHHH! OWW! HEY!

WHAT'S THE MATTER? "THUMBTHING" THE MATTER?

SOMETHING HURT -- "THUMBTHING"?

I SWEAR, YOU AS BAD AS KADY, MICHAEL.

YOU KNOW WHAT, AND SPEAKING OF WHICH, WHERE IS SHE?

SHE'S HIDING AGAIN.

ISN'T SHE A LITTLE BIT TOO OLD

FOR THIS HIDE-AND-SEEK STUFF?

NO, SHE'S STILL TRYING TO HANG ON TO BEING A BABY.

THEY ALL DO IT. REMEMBER? JUNIOR WAS 15

WHEN WE GOT RID OF MR. BUNNY.

OH, YEAH.

GOT RID OF HIM? YOU TOLD ME HE RAN AWAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT? HE SURE DID RAN AWAY.

YEAH, HE RAN AWAY.

HE HOPPED RIGHT OUT OF HERE.

THE EARS WAS FLYING BACK LIKE THAT.

SO, WHERE'S YOUR SISTER HIDING?

I'LL GET HER.

WHERE IS MY BABY? IS SHE UNDER THE COUCH?

NO, SHE'S NOT UNDER THE COUCH.

IS SHE IN THIS PLANT?

NO, NOT IN THE PLANT EITHER.

THE ONLY THING OVER HERE IS A BUNCH OF COATS.

WAIT A MINUTE.

COATS DON'T HAVE LEGS!

YOU FOUND ME AGAIN! I HATE IT!

I'M SORRY!

DAD? NO.

PLEASE? NO.

COME ON. NO.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS.

OKAY. NO.

I JUST WANT PERMISSION TO USE MY CAR SATURDAY NIGHT.

I'VE GOT A HOT DATE WITH...

ALICIA. [ CHUCKLES ]

YOU KNOW WHAT? WHEN YOU SAY A GIRL'S NAME

LIKE THAT, IT FRIGHTENS ME.

SAY IT LIKE WHAT?

ALICIA. [ CHUCKLES ]

IT SOUNDS LIKE, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DATE,

A CURTAIN COMES DOWN,

AND YOU GOTTA INSERT ANOTHER QUARTER TO CONTINUE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

OH, COME ON, DAD, MY CAR'S IN EXCELLENT SHAPE.

OKAY, MAYBE NOT EXCELLENT,

BUT IT'S DRIVABLE.

OKAY, MAYBE NOT DRIVABLE,

BUT WITH A GOOD PUSH AND THE RIGHT WIND,

IT WOULD BE JUST LIKE TAKING A DRIVE.

AND WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?

SOMEWHERE DOWNHILL.

YOU HAVE NO BRAKES.

EITHER WAY, THE NIGHT COULD END WITH A BANG, HUH?

[ CHUCKLES ] BANG!

[ Laughing ] A BANG! BOOM!

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

NO.

YOU'RE NOT RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH

TO BE BEHIND THE WHEEL, AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED.

BUT I PASSED THE "DMV" TEST.

YOU MEAN THE D.M.V.?

YEAH, SHORT FOR "DMV."

OKAY, YOU MAY HAVE PASSED THE "DMV" TEST,

BUT YOU NEED TO PASS THE D.A.D. TEST.

YOU TELL ME WHEN.

I WILL DO THAT. OKAY, THANKS.

I JUST MADE THE APPOINTMENT FOR THIS AFTERNOON

AT DR. LING'S.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S GREAT.

LISTEN, YOU CAN DRIVE ME TO THE EYE DOCTOR,

AND I WILL TEST YOU ON THE WAY.

OH, THANKS, DAD. AND I WON'T LET YOU DOWN.

[ GIGGLES ] YOU CAN'T FIND ME, MOMMY!

WHERE IS THAT KADY?

[ SIGHS ] IS SHE UNDER THIS BED?

NO, SHE'S NOT UNDER THE BED.

OKAY, YOU KNOW,

I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO MAKE THIS BED

ALL BY MYSELF.

THAT KADY SURE IS A GOOD HIDER.

[ Yawning ] OH, ALL THIS WORK IS MAKING ME TIRED.

I THINK I'M JUST GONNA LAY DOWN ON THE BED.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

AHH! THIS IS A LUMPY BED! WHAT IS THIS?!

AAH! AAH!

THIS LUMP HAS FEET!

EW! [SPITS] P.U. STINKY FEET, TOO!

[ GIGGLES ]

THIS BED DOESN'T HAVE STINKY FEET.

THEY'RE MINE. I TRICKED YOU.

YOU SURE DID!

NOW, GET UP AND HELP ME MAKE THE BED, OKAY?

YOU GET THAT SIDE UP THERE...

AND MOMMY WILL DO THIS SIDE...

AND THIS SIDE AND THAT SIDE.

UHH. PULL IT HARDER.

WHY DID YOU STOP, MOMMY?

HUH? UH...

BECAUSE I NEED YOU TO FIND OUT WHAT TIME IT IS FOR ME.

BUT YOU'RE WEARING A WATCH.

THIS IS UPSTAIRS TIME.

I NEED YOU TO GO FIND OUT WHAT TIME IT IS DOWNSTAIRS.

GO AHEAD, GO AHEAD.

DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE TO ME, BUT OKAY.

OKAY.

NO, NO, NO, THIS IS CLAIRE'S DIARY.

MY MOTHER DID THAT TO ME.

I'D BE NO BETTER THAN MY MOTHER WHEN SHE DID IT.

BUT I AIN'T MY MOTHER'S CHILD NOW.

AND SHE HAS BEEN ACTING STRANGE LATELY.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW...

I WOULDN'T FEEL GUILTY IF IT JUST...

FELL ON THE FLOOR AND OPENED UP BY ITSELF.

COME ON, MAN. [ SIGHS ]

ACCIDENTALLY OPEN.

MAN. OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH.

OOPS, I TRIPPED AND JIMMIED THE LOCK.

[ Sighing ] OKAY, LET'S SEE.

"HATE SCHOOL," "HATE MY LIFE,"

"HATE MY BROTHER,"

"I LOVE NSYNC."

"HATE MY MOTHER," "HATE MY MOTHER,"

"HATE MY MOTHER," "HATE MY MOTHER."

OH, "HATE MY FATHER."

WHAT IS THIS?

NO, YOU ARE NOT.

OKAY, THIS IS THE PLACE. HOP OUT.

ARE YOU GONNA JUST PARK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET?

COME ON, PARK THE CAR RIGHT THERE.

BUT THERE ARE A WHOLE LOT OF OPEN SPACES UP THERE.

YEAH, BUT THIS IS THE TEST.

I WANT TO SEE YOU PARALLEL PARK.

IF YOU SAY SO.

OH, DEAR GOD!

[ SIGHS ]

SO, HOW WAS THAT?

I'M FRIGHTENED.

BUT I'M IMPRESSED.

I TOLD YOU I WAS A GOOD DRIVER.

YEAH, I'M SURPRISED.

YOU KNOW, I'M EVEN THINKING OF TAKING IT UP

AS A PROFESSION.

WELL, THAT WOULD BE GREAT, SON.

YOU COULD BE, LIKE, THE NEXT MARIO ANDRETTI.

WHO?

MARIO ANDR-- HE'S A RACE-CAR DRIVER.

NO, I MEANT BEING A DRIVER LIKE HOKE

FROM "DRIVING MISS DAISY."

I "HOKE" THAT'S A JOKE.

LOOK, I'M GOING INSIDE HERE. I'LL BE OUT IN A LITTLE WHILE.

I WANT YOU TO STAY PUT.

DO NOT MOVE THIS CAR UNLESS A METER MAID COME.

THEN YOU HAVE MY PERMISSION TO DRIVE IT.

UH, YES, SIR, MR. KYLE.

WATCH YOUR STEP GETTIN' OUT, SIR.

I'M HANNIBAL LECTER.

HELLO, CLARICE.

I'M HAVING SOME COMPANY OVER FOR DINNER.

[ SNORTING, SNIFFING, MUTTERING ]

SO, MR. KYLE...

HOW ARE YOU?

GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?

GOOD. WHAT MOTIVATED YOUR VISIT TODAY?

MY WIFE. [ CHUCKLES ]

YOUR EYES AREN'T BOTHERING YOU?

NOT AS MUCH AS MY WIFE. [ LAUGHS ]

WELL, ACTUALLY, I'VE BEEN HAVING

A LITTLE TROUBLE READING, THAT'S ALL.

YES, I NOTICED THAT ON YOUR CHART

YOU CHECKED OFF THAT YOU ARE PREGNANT.

OH, REALLY? THAT COULD BE.

I HAVEN'T HAD A PERIOD IN OVER 40 YEARS.

[ LAUGHS ]

HELLO, MR., UH...

KYLE.

KYLE.

KYLE. I'M DR. LING.

DR. LING, WHAT'S THE FIRST NAME -- "DING-A"?

NO.

YOU DON'T GET IT -- "DING-A-LING."

OKAY, LET'S JUST DO THE EYES.

DR. LING, YOUR WIFE IS ON THE PHONE.

EXCUSE ME.

WHAT'S HER NAME -- CAROL...LING?

NO, HER NAME IS CHITTA -- CHITTA LING.

[ LAUGHS ] I LIKE THAT -- CHITTA LING.

WHAT'S SO FUNNY ABOUT CHITTA? THAT'S HER NAME.

OH.

OKAY, WELL, GO CHAT WITH CHITTA.

WHEN I GET BACK, WE'LL DO THE EYE CHART.

OKAY.

NO WAY I'M GONNA FAIL THIS ONE.

OKAY, MR. KYLE.

LET'S BEGIN, SHALL WE?

THIS IS A GREAT CHAIR HERE, DOC.

THANK YOU.

SO HOW'S YOUR WIFE -- CHITTA?

SHE'S FINE.

SHE'S AT HOME TAKING CARE OF MY BOY --

DUCK...LING.

[ BOTH LAUGHING ]

DUCK!

OH, THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

NOW...

PLEASE, MR. KYLE, STAND BEHIND THE YELLOW LINE.

OKAY. SURE.

NOW...

COVER YOUR LEFT EYE AND READ THE THIRD LINE.

OKEYDOKEY. NO PROBLEMO. [ LAUGHS ]

UH...

THAT'S, UH,

"G"...

QUESTION MARK, 3...

EXCLAMATION POINT...

"M," "O," "O,"

"G."

MR. KYLE, CAN YOU READ THE FIRST LINE?

CERTAINLY.

THAT WOULD BE "S."

PLEASE, COME HAVE A SEAT.

SO HOW ARE MY EYES, DOC?

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DILATE YOUR EYES

AND DO A FEW TESTS ON YOU.

NOW, JUST SIT YOUR HEAD BACK AND RELAX FOR ME, OKAY?

NOW, MR. KYLE, YOUR VISION --

OW!

IS GONNA BE BLURRY FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS.

WHAT ABOUT MY HEARING?

WHY WOULD YOU HAVE TROUBLE WITH YOUR HEARING?

HUH?

I SAID WHY WOULD YOU HAVE TROUBLE WITH YOUR HEARING?

COME AGAIN. I CAN'T SEE YOU. [ LAUGHS ]

YOU'RE SUCH A KIDDER.

DID YOU WANT ME TO CALL YOU A CAB?

ACTUALLY, YOU COULD CALL ME A CABERNET,

BECAUSE I GET BETTER WITH TIME.

[ LAUGHS ]

OH, STILL LAUGHING.

WELL, ACTUALLY, I WON'T NEED A CAB.

MY SON IS HERE TO PICK ME UP.

JUST POINT ME IN THE DIRECTION OF A BLACK LINCOLN.

WHAT BLACK LINCOLN?

THERE'S NO BLACK LINCOLN?

HEY, POP.

DON'T "HEY, POP" ME. I'LL POP YOU!

WHAT'S WRONG? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S WRONG.

YOU LEFT ME STRANDED AT THE EYE DOCTOR.

I HAD TO TAKE A CAB HOME!

I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH I TIPPED THE GUY!

OKAY, I KNOW YOU'RE ANGRY.

HELL, YEAH, I'M ANGRY!

I'LL TELL YOU WHY I'M ANGRY! I'M MAD AS HELL!

BUT TECHNICALLY, I'M IN THE RIGHT.

OH, YEAH? WELL, WHY DON'T YOU EXPLAIN TO ME

HOW YOU CAN BE IN THE RIGHT?

YOU SAID IF A METER MAID CAME, I COULD MOVE THE CAR.

KEEP TALKING.

SO A METER MAID CAME,

AND I MOVED THE CAR...

TO ALICIA'S HOUSE.

HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO GET HOME?

WELL, YOU SAID FOR ME TO DRIVE YOU TO THE DOCTOR.

TECHNICALLY, YOU NEVER SAID ANYTHING

ABOUT ME DRIVING YOU BACK FROM THE DOCTOR.

SO, TECHNICALLY, I'M STILL IN THE RIGHT.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU'RE A VERY TECHNICAL YOUNG MAN THESE DAYS,

SO I'M GONNA BE VERY TECHNICAL ABOUT YOUR PUNISHMENT.

NO DRIVING FOR YOU WHATSOEVER.

I DON'T WANT YOU DRIVING MY CAR,

YOUR CAR, YOUR MOTHER'S CAR.

I DON'T WANT YOU IN A CLOWN CAR, A CABLE CAR, A BOX CAR.

YOU CAN'T WATCH "CARTOONS."

I DON'T WANT YOU DOING ANYTHING THAT HAS TO DO WITH DRIVING --

NO DRIVING GAMES, NO "DRIVING MISS DAISY."

AND YOU KNOW WHAT -- I'M PUNISHING YOU AN EXTRA WEEK

BECAUSE YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY.

BUT WHAT ABOUT MY DATE WITH ALICIA SATURDAY NIGHT?

YOU'RE TALKING SEX DRIVE. THAT'S OUT OF THE QUESTION.

OKAY?

LET ME FEEL YOUR FACE WHEN I SAY THIS.

TECHNICALLY, YOU ARE GROUNDED FOR A MONTH.

OH, I LIKE THE WAY THAT FEELS.

I LIKE THE WAY THAT FEELS.

NOW BE GONE.

HEY. WHAT DID DR. LING HAVE TO SAY?

HMM. HE SAYS THAT I'M GETTING OLDER.

I GOT PRESBYOPIA.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

IT MEANS THAT IF I WANT TO READ SOMETHING,

I GOT TO WEAR GLASSES NOW.

WELL, I HAVE SOME NEWS THAT YOU'RE GONNA BE VERY HAPPY

THAT YOU CAN'T READ -- CLAIRE'S DIARY.

UNH-UNH, BABY, LOOK.

WE CAN'T READ OUR DAUGHTER'S PRIVATE THOUGHTS.

I MEAN, THAT WOULD BE SO WRONG.

HUH?

IT WOULD BE WRONG, AND I'M SURPRISED

THAT YOU WOULD DO THAT.

OH.

START ON PAGE ONE.

WELL, THIS IS ALL YOU REALLY HAVE TO HEAR.

"DEAR DIARY, TODAY I REALIZED FOR THE FIRST TIME

"THAT TONY IS THE ONE.

"NO OTHER GUY HAS EVER TREATED ME SO WELL

"AND HAS BEEN SO DESERVING.

I THINK IT'S ABOUT TIME TO TAKE IT A STEP FURTHER."

DAMN THAT TONY!

I KNEW SOMETHING WAS UP WITH HER.

THAT'S WHY SHE'S PUSHING ME AWAY,

SO SHE CAN CLOSER TO THAT BIG-HEADED BOY.

YEAH, BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS,

IS THAT THE BOY IS VERY, VERY RELIGIOUS.

YEAH, WE ALL KNOW WHAT HE'S PRAYING FOR.

I JUST HOPE THAT MY BABY

IS SMART ENOUGH TO RESIST HIS TEMPTATION.

WELL, MICHAEL, YOU KNOW, THESE ISSUES

ARE REALLY TOUGH ON TEENAGERS.

YOU KNOW HOW IT WAS WHEN WE WERE YOUNG.

YEAH, BUT YOU WERE EASY. WHAT?!

I MEAN, TO LOVE -- JUST EASY --

JUST SO VERY EASY TO GET ALONG WITH.

[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ DOOR SLAMS, MUSIC STOPS ]

AAAH!

AAAH! WHAT HAPPENED?

NOTHING.

OH, MY GOD. WHAT DID I DO?

NOTHING YET, WE HOPE.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOUR FATHER READ YOUR DIARY. YOU DID WHAT?!

BABY...

PLEASE FORGIVE HIM.

HE CARES ABOUT YOU SO MUCH, HE JUST COULDN'T STOP HIMSELF.

THIS IS A TOTAL VIOLATION OF MY PRIVACY!

THIS IS A BETRAYAL!

YEAH, THERE'S A LOT OF BETRAYAL GOING AROUND THIS HOUSE.

BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER.

NOW, YOU SIT DOWN, YOUNG LADY.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT

HOW PRIVACY WORK IN THIS HOUSE.

THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS --

MICHAEL, SHE'S OVER THERE SITTING DOWN.

WHERE? RIGHT DOWN HERE.

LET ME TELL YOU HOW PRIVACY WORK IN THIS HOUSE.

NOBODY HAS NO PRIVACY IN THIS HOUSE.

THIS IS SO NOT FAIR.

YEAH, IT'S NOT FAIR,

BUT IT'S HAPPENING, OKAY?

NOW, YOUR MOTHER GOT SOMETHING TO TELL YOU

ABOUT WHAT I READ IN YOUR DIARY WHEN I WAS BLIND.

GO AHEAD, BABY, YOU -- YOU...

OKAY. TELL HER.

CLAIRE...

WOW. YOU GOT SOME NICE STUFF IN THIS ROOM --

SOFT PILLOWS.

CLAIRE, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SEX.

UGH!

WELL, WHAT DID YOU THINK WE WERE GONNA TALK ABOUT, MICHAEL?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST GONNA YELL AT HER AND PUNISH HER

AND LOCK HER IN HER ROOM OR SOMETHING.

NO, WE'RE ALREADY IN HER ROOM.

OKAY, WELL, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS.

WELL, I'M GETTING READY TO TALK ABOUT SEX.

SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX,

SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX!

WE'VE ALREADY HAD THE SEX TALK.

NO, BABY, WE HAD THE BIOLOGY TALK.

I NEVER TOLD YOU THE REAL STUFF, AS A WOMAN.

CLAIRE, I KNOW THAT YOU, LIKE MANY OTHER YOUNG GIRLS YOUR AGE,

HAVE THIS ROMANTIC IDEA ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK

THE FIRST TIME IS GONNA BE LIKE.

BUT TRUST ME -- IT IS NOTHING LIKE THAT.

Michael: THAT'S RIGHT. AIN'T NOTHING LIKE THAT.

MICHAEL!

JUST WALKING BY, BABY. JUST WALKING BY.

THE FIRST TIME -- IT'S CLUMSY.

BOYS YOUR AGE DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT,

HALF THE MEN MY AGE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING.

HOW THE HELL YOU KNOW WHAT HALF THE MEN YOUR AGE --

MICHAEL!

JUST CHANGING THE DOOR, POLISHING OFF THE DOOR HANDLE.

THEY'RE FUMBLING AROUND, PUSHING AND PRODDING.

AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, IT'S OVER REALLY QUICK,

REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY QUICK.

COME ON, I WASN'T THAT QUICK.

MICHAEL, I SWEAR --

JUST BUSTING UP THE CHIFFEROBE, BABY.

WHY ARE YOU GUYS COMING DOWN ON ME LIKE THIS?

YOU GUYS DIDN'T WAIT.

YEAH, AND IT MADE THINGS VERY DIFFICULT, BABY.

I HAD TO RESTRUCTURE MY WHOLE LIFE.

THAT MEANT MISSING OUT ON A LOT OF THINGS.

I MISSED THE PROM. I MISSED HOMECOMING.

I MISSED OUT ON GOING TO COLLEGE WITH ALL MY FRIENDS.

I'M NOT PLANNING ON GETTING PREGNANT.

WELL, NEITHER DID I.

BUT IT HAPPENED, DIDN'T IT, BABY?

LOOK, JUST BECAUSE I THOUGHT ABOUT IT

DOESN'T MEAN I WAS GONNA DO IT.

IT'S LIKE YOU WITH YOUR DIETS.

HEY, WATCH IT.

[ SIGHS ] SO ARE WE DONE HERE?

NO, WE ARE NOT DONE HERE.

[ SIGHS ]

LOOK. [SIGHS]

I WAS A TEENAGE GIRL MYSELF.

THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.

I THINK I TOLD YOU TO WATCH IT.

I STILL KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE

TO HAVE MY HORMONES JUMPING AROUND, OUT OF CONTROL.

NOW, HERE'S THE BOTTOM LINE, OKAY?

LOOK AT ME.

I LOVE YOU... AND I WANT YOU TO WAIT

FOR AS LONG AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN, CLAIRE.

[ SIGHS ]

BUT IF THE TIME COMES,

AND YOU DECIDE THAT YOU CAN'T WAIT ANY LONGER,

PLEASE, PLEASE COME TO ME.

PROMISE ME THAT, OKAY?

ALL RIGHT, MOM.

BUT YOU AND DAD HAVE TO PROMISE ME SOMETHING.

I NEED TO BE ABLE TO TRUST

THAT MY PRIVACY IS GONNA BE RESPECTED IN THIS HOUSE

AND I WON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ANYONE READING MY DIARY.

I'M GOOD WITH THAT.

MICHAEL?

Michael: YEAH, THAT'S COOL.

RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN!

AH HA! HA HA HA!

YES! [ COUGHS ]

YOU ALL RIGHT?

OH...BABY, IT IS SO WONDERFUL BEING ABLE TO SEE AGAIN.

OH, YEAH, I BET.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WOULD HAVE DONE

IF YOU COULDN'T SEE THIS GAME.

YEAH, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN BAD.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? HUH?

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A DISASTER

IF I COULDN'T SEE THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AGAIN.

OH, BABY.

MMM. MMM!

MMM.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WE'RE KISSING, AND NOBODY YELLED "MOMMY."

SPANK MY BUTT. I'LL YELL IT.

I'M TALKING ABOUT KADY. WHERE'S KADY?

OH.

"OH" WHAT?

I STARTED A GAME OF HIDE-AND-GO-SEEK WITH HER

ABOUT AN HOUR AGO.

I GUESS I LEFT OUT THE SEEK PART.

BABE! LET'S GO FIND HER.

KADY! KADY!

HEY.

SHE'S NOT OUTSIDE.

I CAN'T FIND HER. SHE'S GETTING GOOD AT THIS.

YEAH, I KNOW.

SHE'S GOTTA BE HERE SOMEWHERE.

I'M GONNA CHECK UPSTAIRS. YOU CHECK THE GARAGE, OKAY?

OKAY, LET ME GET SOME CHIPS FIRST.

THANK YOU.

HEY.

I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO STAY IN YOUR ROOM.

TECHNICALLY, YOU SAID I WAS GROUNDED,

AND...I'M ON THE GROUND.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

TECHNICALLY, YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE UNDER THE GROUND.

WHY ARE YOU STRESSING ME SO MUCH, DAD?!

IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

IT IS A BIG DEAL!

A RIDE HOME FROM THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE?!

NO, IT'S THE FACT THAT I CAN'T COUNT ON YOU!

YOU'RE ALMOST 18, JUNIOR. YOU'RE NOT A KID ANYMORE.

LEAVING ME TO GO TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S HOUSE

IN MY CAR -- THAT'S A MAN'S MOVE,

AND YOU MUST FACE A MAN'S CONSEQUENCES.

ALL RIGHT, I'M GROUNDED. I CAN DEAL WITH THAT.

NO, IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE.

SEE, WE'RE ENTERING A WHOLE NEW PHASE OF THE DISCIPLINE GAME.

WHAT YOU DID -- THAT'S STRIKE ONE.

YOU GOT TWO MORE, AND THEN YOU'RE OUT.

OF THE GAME?

NO, OF MY HOUSE.

[ LAUGHS ] YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?

LOOK AT MY FACE.

DO I LOOK LIKE I'M KIDDING?

LISTEN TO ME.

I'M NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER, OKAY?

AND IF, GOD FORBID, SOMETHING HAPPENED TO ME,

I COULD ONLY HOPE THAT YOU WOULD BE THERE

FOR YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR SISTERS

AND NOT OVER ALICIA'S HOUSE.

I GOT IT, DAD.

JUST BECAUSE YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY

DON'T MAKE YOU A MAN.

I'M MORE OF A MAN THAN YOU ARE.

STR-I-I-IKE TWO!

Kady: HELLO. HELLO.

IS ANYBODY LOOKING FOR ME?

I'M STILL HIDING.

[ GIGGLES ]

BOY, I'M GOOD.