Original subtitles

GIRLS, HURRY UP!

WE'RE GONNA BE IN HAWAII WITHOUT YOU!

OKAY, I'M ALL SET.

JAY, WHAT IS ALL OF THIS?

ALL OF THIS IS OUR LUGGAGE --

ALL THE STUFF WE'RE GONNA NEED FOR HAWAII.

WE'RE GONNA VISIT HAWAII, NOT CONQUER IT.

JAY, LOOKED HOW I PACKED.

I GOT EVERYTHING I NEED RIGHT IN THIS LITTLE THING.

THESE ARE THE CRITICALS, OKAY?

I HAVE A COUPLE OF PAIR OF PANTS, A COUPLE OF SHIRTS,

A HAWAIIAN SHIRT, WIZARDS JERSEY, HAT --

THAT'S IT. THE CRITICALS.

THE REASON WHY YOU CAN AFFORD TO PACK LIKE THAT

IS BECAUSE I PACK ALL THE CRAP YOU FORGET.

RIGHT IN HERE, THIS IS ALL YOUR CLOTHES.

YOU KNOW WHAT? WE'RE GONNA LEAVE THAT RIGHT THERE.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU THAT I CAN GET BY WITH JUST THE CRITICALS.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL TAKE THIS UPSTAIRS.

OKAY, YOU DO THAT. ALL RIGHT, I'M NOT PLAYING.

HEY, ARE YOU PACKED?

I GOT EVERYTHING I NEED RIGHT THERE.

[ CHUCKLES ] ALL RIGHT.

A TANK TOP -- CONDOMS?

JUST THE CRITICALS.

AND WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOUR LUCK WITH WOMEN

IS GONNA BE ANY DIFFERENT IN HAWAII?

THIS.

"HOW TO SEDUCE WOMEN"?

YEAH, IT'S FULL OF GREAT PICKUP LINES.

"ARE THOSE SPACE PANTS YOU'RE WEARING?

'CAUSE YOUR BUTT IS OUT OF THIS WORLD."

IS THAT A ROCK ON YOUR SHOULDER, OR ARE YOU JUST STUPID?

[ LAUGHS ] I'M GOING TO SCORE, DAD.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO GIVE ME THE BIG SPEECH

ABOUT BEING SAFE AND RESPONSIBLE.

JUST HAVE FAITH IN ME.

I HAVE FAITH THAT YOU'RE GONNA BE TWISTING THESE

INTO SLIPPERY LITTLE BALLOON ANIMALS

BEFORE YOU FIND A WOMAN TO USE THEM ON.

NOW GO UPSTAIRS AND PACK SOME CLOTHES.

ALL RIGHT, BABY, WE ARE READY!

GREAT.

DO YOU HAVE THE TICKETS?

YEP, I'VE GOT ALL 25 BOARDING PASSES RIGHT HERE.

25 BOARDING PASSES?

BABY, WE'RE NOT GOING NONSTOP TO HAWAII?

OH, HECK, NO.

THOSE ARE THE SUCKER TICKETS.

SEE, I GOT US A DISCOUNT.

BESIDES, THIS IS A GOOD CHANCE

FOR THE KIDS TO SEE THIS BIG, BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY OF OURS.

HOW EXACTLY ARE WE GETTING TO HAWAII?

OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL, JAY.

WE GO NEW YORK, SCRANTON, RIGHT? YEAH.

SCRANTON TO CHICAGO -- THAT'S THE WINDY CITY.

YOU GET A LITTLE WIND IN YOUR HAIR. WHOOSH.

THEN WE ZIP OVER TO DENVER, OKAY, HAVE AN OMELET,

SHOOT TO WISCONSIN, GET SOME CHEESE FOR THE OMELET,

THEN WE ZIP BACK TO NEW YORK,

AND THEN -- BAM!

NEXT DAY, STRAIGHT SHOT -- STRAIGHT SHOT TO HAWAII.

NOW, COME HERE.

LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT THE FIRST NIGHT IN HAWAII'S GONNA BE LIKE.

I CAN'T FIND LITTLE PIPI, AND I'M NOT LEAVING WITHOUT HER!

IT'S OKAY.

I PACKED HER RIGHT IN THIS SUITCASE, SHE'S GOOD.

YOU PACKED HER?! ARE YOU INSANE?!

SHE'LL DIE! GET HER OUT! HURRY, HURRY!

OH, LORDY, NOT MY BABY!

DON'T TAKE MY DOLL BABY!

OH, SHE'S RIGHT HERE!

TAKE ME INSTEAD!

HERE, HERE!

SHE'S RIGHT HERE. SHE'S FINE.

AND NO MORE "COLOR PURPLE" FOR YOU.

YEAH!

HEY. YEAH?

THE SOONER WE GET OUT OF HERE,

THE SOONER WE CAN START OUR "HONEYMOAN."

"HONEYMOAN?"

YEAH. I'M PLANNING ON MAKIN' MY HONEY MOAN.

[ LAUGHS ]

JUST THINK, JAY.

WE'RE GONNA BE WALKING THE BEACHES OF OAHU

IN A MERE 43 HOURS.

OKAY, KIDS, JUST 11 MORE HOURS TILL HAWAII!

[ LAUGHS ]

OKAY, LET ME DECIDE.

AM I GONNA SIT IN THE WINDOW SEAT OR THE AISLE SEAT?

UNH-UNH, NOT AGAIN. HERE WE GO AGAIN.

LORD, JUST STRIKE ME DOWN RIGHT NOW

IF I GOT TO HEAR THE WINDOW/AISLE DEBATE

ONE MORE TIME, LORD. JUST GO ON AND GET ME.

JAY, THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT DECISION.

THERE'S ONLY ONE ADULT WAY TO DO IT.

EENY, MEENY, MINY, MOE.

CATCH A PIGGY BY THE TOE.

IF HE HOLLERS, LET HIM GO.

EENY, MEENY, MINY, MOE.

MY MOTHER SAID TO PICK THIS ONE.

NOT BECAUSE YOU'RE DIRTY, NOT BECAUSE YOU'RE CLEAN,

BUT BECAUSE YOU KISSED THE GIRL

BEHIND THE PLAYBOY MAG...A...

...ZINE! ZINE.

AND...YOU'RE...NOT...IT.

Woman: SIR!

THE PILOT SAID WE'RE NOT LEAVING TILL YOU TAKE YOUR SEAT,

SO PLEASE SIT DOWN.

OKAY, I'LL HURRY IT UP.

ONE POTATO TWO POTATO --

GET OUT OF MY WAY!

HEY, I PAID MY $83 JUST LIKE THE REST OF YOU!

SIT DOWN, AND GIVE ME YOUR RING AGAIN

BECAUSE I AM NOT GONNA DEAL

WITH THE "KYLE IN-FLIGHT SWOLLEN-KNUCKLE SYNDROME."

NOW GIVE IT TO ME.

IT'S GOUT, JAY, OKAY?

THEY DON'T HAVE TELETHONS FOR IT.

LOU RAWLS IS NOT SINGING ABOUT IT.

THERE'S NO LITTLE PINS.

IT'S NOT AS SEXY AS LUPUS OR EMPHYSEMA,

BUT IT'S A SERIOUS AILMENT.

THAT'S WHY MY FATHER'S FEET LOOK LIKE DRIFTWOOD.

GOUT!

MY DADDY HAS GOUT!

Jay: GIVE ME THE RING.

SIT DOWN!

IT IS SO EMBARRASSING.

YOU ARE JUST EMBARRASSING.

WHOA!

WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOUR CHAIR?!

A LITTLE MANEUVER CALLED "SITTING."

WELL, WE HAVE NO OTHER SEATS AVAILABLE IN COACH,

SO I'M AFRAID I'M GONNA HAVE TO PUT YOU IN FIRST CLASS.

[ LAUGHS ] HEY, WAIT -- YOU SAID, "FIRST CLASS"?

I'VE NEVER BEEN IN FIRST CLASS BEFORE.

WHAT'S FIRST CLASS LIKE?

IT'S NICE.

NICE LIKE YOU?

WOW.

WELL, THAT WOULD BE UNFAIR

IF I LEFT MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE HERE AND MY CHILDREN.

OKAY, EENY, MEENY, MINY, MOE.

YOU CAN --

[ ALL SHOUTING ]

OKAY!

WHAT ARE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT?! I'M MARRIED TO HIM!

ENJOY YOUR PEANUTS AND COCA-COLAS!

RIGHT THIS WAY, MR. KYLE.

YOU'RE IN 2-B.

OR NOT 2-B. [ LAUGHS ]

THAT'S SHAKESPEARE. I JUST MADE THAT UP.

OH, THAT'S BRILLIANT.

THANK YOU.

HEY! HEY, I KNOW YOU!

I DON'T BELIEVE WE'VE EVER MET.

COME ON, YOU'RE PAGE 26 OF THE VICTORIA'S SECRET CATALOG.

HUH? YOU WERE LIKE THIS.

YOU POSED LIKE THIS.

AND YOU HAD THAT FACE LIKE,

"OOH, I HOPE MY DADDY DON'T SEE ME IN THESE LITTLE PANTIES."

[ LAUGHS ] THAT'S RIGHT.

WELL, I'M FLATTERED THAT YOU REMEMBERED.

I'M VERONICA JONES.

I'M MICHAEL KYLE.

SO, WHAT, ARE YOU GOING ON VACATION OR SOMETHING?

NO, ACTUALLY BUSINESS.

WE'RE DOING A LINGERIE SHOOT.

HMM.

THESE ARE ALL THE OTHER MODELS.

YEAH.

THAT'S PAGE 7 RIGHT THERE, MM-HMM.

AND THAT'S PAGE 12!

HEY, IT'S ME -- MIKE!

[ LAUGHS ]

WOULD YOU LIKE A TOWEL?

SURE.

OH, THAT'S HOT!

I AM SO SORRY. I SHOULD HAVE WARNED YOU.

CAN I GET YOU SOME CHAMPAGNE?

SURE, IF YOU DON'T BOIL IT FIRST.

BOIL IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Laughing ] DELIGHTFUL.

[ LAUGHS ] THOSE JOKES DON'T WORK BACK THERE.

HEY, DO YOUR KNUCKLES SWELL WHEN YOU FLY, TOO?

YEAH, ALL THE TIME.

MY MASSEUSE SHOWED ME THE BEST WAY TO RELIEVE THAT.

HERE -- GIVE ME YOUR HAND.

I'LL SHOW YOU.

IT'S OKAY. [ LAUGHS ]

JUST RELAX.

JUST SORT OF APPLY A NICE, LIGHT PRESSURE.

OOH, I FEEL THE PRESSURE. [ LAUGHS ]

UH, CAN I HAVE ANOTHER TOWEL, PLEASE? A COLD ONE.

ALOHA.

ALOHA.

ALOHA. IT MEANS WELCOME TO HAWAII.

OH, THANK YOU.

WE SAY "MAHALO" IN HAWAII.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

WOULD YOU LIKE A LEI?

I WAS JUST ABOUT TO ASK YOU THE SAME QUESTION.

[ LAUGHS ]

THIS IS GONNA BE EASIER THAN I THOUGHT, DAD.

MICHAEL!

MICHAEL!

MICHAEL, CAN YOU HELP ME WITH MY SHOES?

OH, HEY, BABY!

AND GET KADY OFF THE CAROUSEL, PLEASE.

YOU WANT THE SHOES OR YOU WANT THE BABY?

I'M THINKING.

OKAY.

I'LL GET THE KID.

WHEE!

I CAN'T STOP IT!

BUT YOU GOTTA-- I CAN'T STOP IT!

OKAY. 1...2...3...4...

both: WHEE!

WHOO!

THAT WAS A GREAT RIDE.

HERE. JUMP OFF.

WHOO!

OKAY. WE GOT TO STOP FOOLING AROUND

'CAUSE WE GOT TO HELP YOUR MOMMY COUNT BAGS.

15. OKAY, GOOD. I GOT ALL MY BAGS.

SO, WHERE'S MINE?

I DON'T KNOW, MICHAEL. I HAVE 15 BAGS TO LOOK AFTER.

YOU ONLY HAVE ONE.

THAT'S IT?

WHERE'S MY CRITICALS?

SO YOU LOST YOUR CRITICALS?

NO. I DIDN'T LOSE MY CRITICALS.

THE AIRLINES LOST MY CRITICALS.

OH, IT'S TOO BAD YOU TOLD ME TO TAKE ALL YOUR EXTRA CLOTHING

OUT OF MY LUGGAGE.

I GUESS THAT WAS A CRITICAL MISTAKE.

YOUR MAMA SAID "CRITICAL"! [ LAUGHING ]

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]

HA HA!

OH, MY GOD, MICHAEL, LOOK AT THIS PLACE!

I GOT TO GET THIS PICTURE.

OKAY, EVERYBODY GET TOGETHER.

COME ON, GUYS. COME ON.

SMILE.

SAY..."PARADISE."

PARA-- PARA-- PARA-- PARA--

UH, ANNIE LEIBODITZ, LET US SAY THE WORD.

THAT PICTURE GONNA COME OUT LOOKING LIKE THIS...

PARA--

EXCUSE ME, MISS? YES?

IF I COULD REARRANGE THE LETTERS OF THE ALPHABET,

I'D PUT "U" AND "I" TOGETHER.

THAT IS SO SWEET.

CAN I TOUCH YOU?

JUNIOR, COME HERE. STEP IN MY OFFICE.

GIVE ME THE BOOK, SON. WHAT?

OW!

COME ON, DAD.

THAT BOOK IS GONNA GET ME A LOT OF WAKA-NOCKA-NOCKA.

WOMEN DON'T WANT YOU TALKING TO THEM

LIKE THEY'RE SOME KIND OF OBJECT.

THEY WANT YOU TO COMMUNICATE WITH THEM

ON A DEEPER EMOTIONAL LEVEL.

HOW DO I DO THAT?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT THAT'S THE JOURNEY.

[ SIGHS ]

WELCOME TO THE ROYAL HAWAIIAN.

MAY I TAKE YOUR LUGGAGE?

YOU CAN DEFINITELY TAKE MINE.

RIGHT AWAY, MISS.

AND IF THERE'S ANYTHING I CAN DO

TO MAKE YOUR STAY MORE PLEASURABLE,

DON'T HESITATE TO CALL ME.

HEY, YOUNG MAN, I'VE GOT A TIP FOR YOU.

NO. IT'S RIGHT HERE AT THE END OF MY SHOE.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT'S MY DAUGHTER,

SO I...GOT MY EYE... ON YOU.

YES, SIR.

SO YOU CAN START WITH MY TRUNK RIGHT THERE.

THAT'S WHERE I KEEP ALL MY INSTRUMENTS OF KILLING

FROM WHEN I WAS A TORTURER OVER IN 'NAM.

YES, SIR.

HEY, BABY GIRL.

[ LAUGHING ]

I'M SORRY, SIR. YOU WERE EXPECTED 18 HOURS AGO.

UNFORTUNATELY, THERE ARE NO MORE ROOMS AVAILABLE.

YOU MEAN THIS BIG, BEAUTIFUL HOTEL

DOESN'T HAVE ONE EMPTY ROOM?

WELL, WE DO HAVE THE TIKI-TIKI SUITE.

WELL, THEN, HOW MUCH IS THE TIKI-TIKI SUITE?

HMM.

WOW. THE TIKI-TIKI TAKEY-TAKEY A LOT OF MOOLA-MOOLA.

MICHAEL RICHARD KYLE... HMM?

YOU HAD ME FLYING ALL OVER THIS COUNTRY FOR 2 1/2 DAYS.

YOU'D BETTER TAKE THAT DAMN SUITE.

I'M GONNA TAKE THE SUITE. I WAS JUST KIDDING WITH YOU.

BUT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO WORK IT OFF, THOUGH.

YOU KNOW WHAT, MICHAEL?

CAN YOU TRY TO BE ROMANTIC ON THIS TRIP?

CAN YOU DO THAT FOR ME?

DIDN'T I TRY TO DRAG YOU INTO THE BATHROOM

ON THE PLANE TO SCRANTON?

THAT IS NOT ROMANTIC.

I WANT TO BE WINED AND DINED, MICHAEL.

I GAVE YOU A PACK OF PEANUTS AND A $7 COKE.

THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?

LOOK AT THEM. SEE?

THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED TO GET BACK TO.

WHAT -- A YOUNGER WOMAN?

HEY, LOOK.

THAT GUY'S GOT ON MY WIZARDS JERSEY.

MILLIONS OF PEOPLE HAVE WIZARDS JERSEYS, MICHAEL.

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK

THAT PARTICULAR WIZARDS JERSEY IS YOURS?

BECAUSE THEY ONLY MADE TWO POPEYE JONES JERSEYS,

AND POPEYE WEARS THE OTHER ONE.

CHECK IT OUT, DAD.

I FOUND THIS NEW BOOK.

IT'S JUST WHAT YOU WERE SAYING.

WOW, "HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH WOMEN SUBLIMINALLY."

YEAH. 'CAUSE, SEE, I FIGURE I'M NOT THAT GOOD

AT COMMUNICATING WITH THEM ON A LIMINAL LEVEL.

RIGHT.

SO I'M TRYING TO GO BELOW THE LIMINAL,

HENCE, SUBLIMINAL.

WOW. YOU'RE A REGULAR "JACKASSANOVA."

YEAH.

LET ME SEE YOU WORK SOME OF YOUR MAGIC.

ALL RIGHT. WATCH THIS, WATCH THIS.

GOOD AFTERNOON. TAKE OFF YOUR TOP.

IT'S A LOVELY DAY, ISN'T IT?

BABY, COME HERE! LOOK AT THIS BALCONY!

LOOK AT THIS VIEW! LOOK, IT'S DIAMONDHEAD --

RIGHT OVER THERE. WOW!

WHOO! THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.

YES.

HEY, LOOK AT THERE -- THE INNER SANCTUM.

COME HERE, BABY.

WHOO-HOO-HOO!

OOH, YEAH.

THIS IS INCREDIBLE.

OH, MY GOODNESS. IT'S GONNA HAPPEN IN HERE.

WHAT?

YEAH, WE GONNA PLAY "HIDE THE MONKEY" IN HERE.

MICHAEL, THE KIDS ARE RIGHT OUTSIDE THE DOOR.

SO WHAT? COME HERE. I'M QUICK, I'M QUICK.

THEY WON'T SEE US.

OOOH! I CAN SEE YOU! I CAN SEE YOU!

SHE'S SO CUTE. GET OUTTA HERE.

SEE, MICHAEL, I TOLD YOU.

WE DON'T HAVE THE TIME FOR A SECOND HONEYMOON.

JAY, WE'RE GONNA HAVE A SECOND HONEYMOON, OKAY?

YEAH, YEAH.

HEY, WHERE AM I GONNA SLEEP?

OH, I DIDN'T TELL YOU.

WE GOT YOU THE TIKI-TIKI,

LOMA-LOMA, LINDA-LEEMA-LIMA SUITE.

REALLY? WHAT'S THAT?

THAT'S HAWAIIAN FOR "PULL-OUT COUCH."

HERE...

WHY DON'T YOU EAT SOME OF THESE?

OH, BOY. A MACADAMIA NUT CLUSTER.

YEAH, THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING IN THERE

YOU'RE ALLERGIC TO.

PUT THAT CANDY DOWN, JUNIOR.

BABY, LET HIM EAT THE CANDY. HE'S ON VACATION.

NO, MICHAEL. HE'S GONNA SPOIL HIS DINNER.

I SIGNED US UP FOR A LUAU.

OH, GOD, NOT THE LUAU!

WHAT'S A LUAU?

IT'S AN ANCIENT TRIBAL CUSTOM, HONEY.

IT'S VERY SPIRITUAL.

WHO WANTS MAI TAIS AND PIG?!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I GUESS IT DON'T GET NO MORE SPIRITUAL

THAN LIQUOR AND SWINE, HUH? HEY!

[ DRUMMING ]

Junior: HMM.

MAI TAIS SURE SOUND GOOD.

YEAH, THEY SURE ARE.

UNFORTUNATELY, THEY'RE "MY TAIS," NOT "YOUR TAIS."

SO YOU BETTER LEAVE THEM ALONE OR THEY'LL BE HOMICIDES.

OH, COME ON, DAD.

YOU WANT ME TO KICK YOU WHERE YOU'RE CIRCUMCISED?

YOU NEVER LET ME HAVE ANY FUN.

THAT'S HOW I HAVE MY FUN.

[ DRUMMING ]

[ CHEERING ]

OKAY, WHO WANTS TO LEARN AN ISLAND DANCE?

I DO, I DO.

I DO! I DO! I DO!

YOU TWO, COME ON UP HERE.

OH, MY BABIES ARE GOING UP!

MY BABIES!

JOIN US ON STAGE.

[ DRUMMING ]

ALL RIGHT!

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?

TO GET LITTLE MISS HULA OFF THE STAGE.

NO, MICHAEL, LEAVE HER ALONE. SHE LOOKS CUTE UP THERE.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM, YOU SEE? CLAIRE PUTS ON A GRASS SKIRT,

AND THESE GUYS WANT TO MOW THE LAWN.

MICHAEL! MICHAEL!

ALL RIGHT! BA BA BA-DA!

[ APPLAUSE ]

HEY, WE'VE GOT ANOTHER VOLUNTEER.

A NICE HAND FOR THIS GENTLEMAN.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

LOOK, I DON'T HULA. I DON'T HULA, OKAY?

I DO DO THE ROBOT, THOUGH. I GOT THE ROBOT GOING, MAN.

I CALL THIS THE FRANKENSTEIN.

THIS IS THE FRANKENSTEIN.

MOONWALKING.

WATCH THIS. AROUND THE WORLD.

WHOO!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WHOO! BABY!

STUCK IN A BOX. STUCK IN A BOX.

SHAKE IT, BABY! SHAKE IT, BABY!

WAIT!

WAIT! WAIT! GOT TO GET OUT THE BOX.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HOW ABOUT A NICE HAND FOR THIS GENTLEMAN AND HIS FAMILY HERE?

LET'S MAKE WAY FOR A SAMOAN FIRE-KNIFE DANCE.

[ DRUMMING ]

OH, I'M SORRY. THAT'S OKAY.

MY NAME IS -- WILL YOU BE MY BOYFRIEND? -- LEILANI.

OH, THAT'S A VERY -- YOU WANT MY BODY -- EXOTIC NAME.

OH, WHY, THANK YOU.

ASK ME FOR A DATE. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

OH, WELL, ACTUALLY, I'M NAMED AFTER MY FATHER --

DENZEL WASHINGTON -- BUT THEY CALL ME JUNIOR.

WOW -- DO I LOOK STUPID? THAT'S INTERESTING.

SO, UH, HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU

YOU LOOK LIKE DENZEL WASHINGTON?

HE'S MY FATHER -- I'VE GOT PROTECTION --

BUT I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW.

WOW, THAT'S -- SO DO I -- VERY INTERESTING.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO OUT --

PLEASE DON'T NOTICE MY BIG HEAD --

ON A DATE WITH ME?

I WOULD LOVE TO --

WOW, THAT'S A BIG HEAD -- GO OUT WITH YOU.

♪ YOU AND I ♪

♪ IN A LITTLE HULA HEAVEN ♪

♪ BY A SILVERY SEA ♪

HEY, CLAIRE, CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

I WANT YOU TO WATCH YOUR SISTER

WHILE I GO GET SOME DRINKS FROM THE MAI TAI BAR

FOR ME AND YOUR MOTHER.

OOH, OOH, OOH. HEY, WHERE'S YOUR MOTHER?

I DON'T KNOW.

IT LOOKED LIKE SHE WAS HEADED TO THE BATHROOM.

UM...AM I A KANE...

OR A WAHINE?

EENY, MEENY, MINY, MOE, I REALLY, REALLY GOTTA GO.

MY MOTHER SAID

YOU...ARE...IT.

OHH!

ARE YOU OKAY? NO, I AM --

HOLY MACKEREL!

[ GIGGLES ]

YOU ARE SO STRONG.

I HAVE TO BE. I'M A CHEST AND ABS MODEL.

CHEST, YOU ARE.

WELL, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, BEAUTIFUL,

MY SCHEDULE'S VERY TIGHT.

IT CERTAINLY IS.

[ CHUCKLING ]

HEY, CAN I GET TWO MAI TAIS, PLEASE?

WELL, IF IT ISN'T SWOLLEN KNUCKLES...

YOU HAD SOME, UH, PRETTY GOOD, UH, MOVES UP THERE.

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES YOU GOT TO MOVE IT AROUND

A LITTLE BIT, YOU KNOW?

ISN'T THIS PLACE SO ROMANTIC?

YEAH, I MEAN, YOU KNOW, IF YOU GO FOR MOONLIGHT

AND YOU KNOW, JUST NICE ATMOSPHERE AND EVERYTHING.

YEAH.

OOPS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WELL, HEY, UM, I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

ALOHA. YEAH, MAHALO.

BACK AT YA.

[ SIGHS ] AHH.

SO, EVERYTHING GOOD WITH YOU?

GOOD, GOOD, GOOD. NO, EVERYTHING'S GOOD.

EVERYTHING GOOD WITH YOU?

OH, FINE. FINE.

GOOD, GOOD.

I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.

OOH!

SO WHAT DO YOU GUYS WANT TO DO TOMORROW?

YOU SEE WHAT ME AND YOUR MOTHER WERE DOING?

WE WANT TO DO A LOT MORE OF THAT,

EXCEPT WITHOUT YOU KIDS AROUND.

NO, NO, BABY. WE HAVE A WHOLE ITINERARY

PLANNED FOR TOMORROW.

YOU MEAN "ITINERARY"

LIKE IN "A LOT OF STUFF I DON'T WANT TO DO" TO DO?

NO, MICHAEL, I PLANNED ACTIVITIES FOR THE WHOLE WEEK.

JAY, THIS IS JUST LIKE JAMAICA.

YOU HAD ME RIDING DOWN A HILL ON A BICYCLE

AT 2:00 IN THE MORNING.

YOU HAD TO BRING UP JAMAICA, DIDN'T YOU?

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE "JAMAKIN'" ME CRAZY

WITH THESE ITINERARIES.

I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT STUFF.

I WANT TO SLEEP LATE.

SO THAT'S IT?

THAT'S OUR VACATION -- YOU SLEEPING?

YEAH.

MICHAEL... MM-HMM.

THE TOUR BUS LEAVES AT 6:30 A.M.

I HOPE YOU'RE GONNA BE IN IT.

JAY, I WILL BE IN BED AT 6:30 A.M.

I HOPE YOU'RE IN THAT.

NEXT "MY WIFE AND KIDS"...

MICHAEL!

MICHAEL!! WILL YOU BE A HUSBAND AND HELP ME OUT HERE?!

JAY! WHAT?!

OH, MICHAEL!

I WANT YOU TO PUT ON SOME CLOTHES ON YOUR BEHIND.

THIS IS THE ONLY BATHING SUIT I HAVE.

THEN GO TO THE HOTEL GIFT SHOP

AND BUY A ONE-PIECE BATHING SUIT.

AND BY THAT I MEAN I DON'T WANT ONE PIECE OF YOU

HANGING OUT OF IT.

OKAY, GIVE ME SOME MONEY.

NO. JUST SIGN IT TO THE ROOM.

I LIKE THESE.

CAN I PUT THESE ON THE ROOM?

VERY GOOD.

OH, AND I NEED ALOE CONDITIONER.

GOT IT.

ON YOUR ROOM? LET'S DO THAT.

I MET A GIRL AT THE LUAU LAST NIGHT.

GOOD FOR YOU.

I HOPE YOU'RE A GENTLEMAN TO HER.

OH, I WILL BE.

I PLAN TO SAY "THANK YOU"

AS SOON AS WE'RE FINISHED.