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'The following programme contains
strong language and adult humour.'
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00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:12,040
WOMAN: That right?
MAN: I think so.
3
00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:13,520
Uh-huh?
Yeah.
4
00:00:13,560 --> 00:00:14,880
Yeah? Yeah?
Mm.
5
00:00:14,920 --> 00:00:16,160
Yeah.
Yeah?
6
00:00:16,200 --> 00:00:17,920
Ooh, yeah.
Yeah?
7
00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:19,360
Yeah.
Yeah?
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Mmm.
Yeah?
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00:00:20,800 --> 00:00:22,080
Mmm.
Yeah?
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00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:23,440
Yeah.
Yeah?
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Yeah.
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00:00:27,600 --> 00:00:29,680
(BELT BUCKLE RATTLES)
13
00:00:36,080 --> 00:00:38,840
Sorry, love.
Oh, don't say sorry, Glen.
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Sorry.
No, don't say sorry.
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(CLEARS THROAT)
Just... You know, because you
16
00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:46,680
just thought you might
like it in public.
17
00:00:46,720 --> 00:00:48,480
So...
Yeah, I don't...
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I think I wasn't picturing, like...
round the back of Halfords?
19
00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:53,200
(SCOOTER WHIRS)
20
00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:55,280
No, well, OK, yeah.
21
00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:59,400
It has been, erm... It has been
quite a while, hasn't it, now?
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Has it?
23
00:01:02,080 --> 00:01:04,840
Yeah. It's not been
since Center Parcs, Glen.
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Right.
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00:01:07,160 --> 00:01:09,960
Yeah, no, that...that is quite a...
Mmm.
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I think, you know what it is?
27
00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:13,360
It's probably just stress, you know.
Yeah.
28
00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:15,640
Trying to get the promotion,
all that sort of...Yeah.
29
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It's a blip!
It's a blip!
30
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It's a blip, yeah. It is, isn't it?
Yeah. Yeah.
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Mm.
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I should probably get to work.
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00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:29,360
Yeah. Yes.
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Hey. 100 days...
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and I shall thee wed.
36
00:01:40,640 --> 00:01:43,160
Pop your penis away, Glen.
Oh!
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Alright. Love you.
Love you! Yeah.
38
00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:55,080
(BRASSY MUSIC)
39
00:02:01,480 --> 00:02:04,800
Hi, there. Welcome to World Of
Carpets at Loughton Retail Village!
40
00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:07,440
My name's Glen.
How can I be helping you today?
41
00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:09,800
Well... I erm...
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WE er...erm...
Say no more!
43
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Let me show you around.
44
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Sandstone, three-pile,
two-blend twist.
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Durable, luxurious and -
don't pass it around -
46
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but I'M getting it
for my high-traffic areas.
47
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My absolute top of the pops.
What do we think?
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Erm, maybe we'll go
and think about it.
49
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(MUSIC BLARES FROM CAR STEREO)
50
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I get it.
51
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Sorry?
52
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It's a bloody carpet.
And, Christ, it's expensive.
53
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The whole house metreage, then with
underlay and installation it's...
54
00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:51,360
Honestly?
55
00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:54,880
You can't get what you're wanting.
Not for your budget.
56
00:02:54,920 --> 00:02:57,640
But what you can do...is this...
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Berber low-pile. In your hallway,
looks just like natural fibres.
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Pay that bit more for a quality
underlay and it'll feel as good too.
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00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:08,400
I won't tell if you won't.
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00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:12,400
(ENGINE REVS)
(MUSIC BLARES)
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00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:16,480
STEREO: 'I know a man
that can make you disappear
in seven different countries.'
62
00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:21,720
Ah, Ian, Ian! Hi, I was wondering-
Big Man!
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00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:26,520
Yeah. Uh, I was-
Ah, the old kneel 'n feel, eh? Nice.
64
00:03:26,560 --> 00:03:29,160
Yeah. I was wondering
if we might have that chat today,
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00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:32,120
about the assistant manager-
Er, da-da-da, sh-shh.
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00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:36,800
(MIMICS GUNSHOT)
(PRETENDS TO GROAN)
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00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:40,600
(MIMICS RAPID GUNFIRE)
Ah-ah-ah.
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00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:41,840
Yeah...
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00:03:44,040 --> 00:03:45,760
(MUSIC BLARES)
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00:03:54,240 --> 00:03:55,400
(HISS)
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00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:02,400
Have you seen this geezer?
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00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:06,240
Glen...Campbell.
73
00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:08,960
Like the country singer.
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00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:11,840
He works here.
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00:04:14,040 --> 00:04:16,880
I just want a "yes" or "no".
That's all I want, my darling.
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00:04:19,040 --> 00:04:21,279
I'm on work experience.
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I'll get the manager.
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Right!Oh!
Let's take a look at these prices.
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00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:32,640
(CHUCKLES) I think
you might be pleasantly surp-
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00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:35,000
It's like candyfloss.
81
00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:37,040
(LIVELY MUSIC)
82
00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:41,600
Should be here soon...
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00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:44,680
Where d'you get this? I want one.
Hi, there. Can I help?
84
00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:48,120
Yes. Have you seen him?
85
00:04:48,159 --> 00:04:50,400
Oops!
Sorry?
86
00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:52,960
Verboten!
What?
87
00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:56,720
Gonna have to ask you to finish
that outside. Company policy.
88
00:04:57,440 --> 00:04:59,200
Get a lot of pissheads in here,
do ya?
89
00:04:59,240 --> 00:05:01,600
Getting off their nut
over by the lino?
90
00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:04,840
Right. Very good. Now-
91
00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:07,480
See, for all he knows, I've come
in here to buy his whole stock
92
00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:09,600
and he's straight in
with the fucking regulations.
93
00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:12,800
Right, that's quite enough!
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
94
00:05:12,840 --> 00:05:15,040
Yeah, well, asking me is ONE thing
but making me
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00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:17,160
is another thing altogether,
you bald cunt.
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00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:23,720
(GASPS)
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00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:27,400
(WHISPERS) Fuck.
Are you alright?
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00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:30,680
Erm... Erm, yeah. (CHUCKLES)
99
00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:34,280
I'll actually just...
just leave you in...
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00:05:34,320 --> 00:05:37,000
Brian's very capable hands.
101
00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:42,960
Ooh!
Sorry.
102
00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:45,880
Leave this store immediately.
Don't touch me.
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00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:49,520
Come along! Ahh!
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00:05:49,560 --> 00:05:51,280
(GROANS)
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00:05:55,200 --> 00:05:56,600
Have you seen him?
106
00:05:56,640 --> 00:05:58,120
(CHOKES)
107
00:06:00,520 --> 00:06:01,840
Fuck.
108
00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:06,680
(GROANS)
109
00:06:08,320 --> 00:06:10,520
(GROANS)
110
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(TYRES SCREECH)
111
00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:27,880
Hi, Roger!
112
00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:47,520
Fuuu-
(SCREAMS)
113
00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:49,720
What are you doing here?
114
00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:52,680
I came back to get my sandwiches.
Why are you...
115
00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:54,480
Well, I mean, I got erm...
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00:06:54,520 --> 00:06:56,640
I got sent home from work, didn't I?
117
00:06:56,680 --> 00:06:58,200
For the day.
What? Why?
118
00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:00,520
Because there was a gas leak.
What, in the whole-
119
00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:02,480
Yeah. In the whole office. Yeah.
120
00:07:02,520 --> 00:07:04,960
And Linda...
Linda's actually fainted.
121
00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:06,280
So...
Oh, bloody hell.
122
00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:08,720
Yeah. Get in then, you swine!
123
00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:11,400
Yeah, alright, yeah.
Get in here!
124
00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:14,760
Have you seen?
Direct debits have gone in.
125
00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:16,480
Oh, my God! 15 grand!
126
00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:18,120
We're only 2K off!
127
00:07:18,160 --> 00:07:20,640
Dream wedding, here we come.
Kirsty, not in the bed.
128
00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:24,400
Mum's gonna be so pleased.
She can get that poached salmon
she's been banging on about.
129
00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:26,240
Yeah, erm, right, erm, sorry-
130
00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:28,000
Actually, Glen,
it definitely IS her.
131
00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:30,720
Ever since we've given her a key,
we've been going through ham
132
00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:33,120
at an unprecedented rate.
Yeah. I DID think so-
133
00:07:33,159 --> 00:07:35,159
Hang on. You took them.
Hmm?
134
00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:38,080
This morning. You took them.
I put them in your rucksack?
135
00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:41,040
Right. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
But I just... I wanted more.
136
00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:42,840
More sandwiches?
137
00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:46,600
OK, well, that's
an awful lot of gluten, Glen.
138
00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:49,080
Hey, hey! So what we should do
is celebrate, shouldn't we?
139
00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:51,520
Celebrate what?
Celebrate the wedding fund.
140
00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:53,960
You know, yeah, tonight,
maybe get a takeaway,
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00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:55,520
splash out a bit.
Alright.
142
00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:58,200
Yeah, maybe get your favourite -
Tastes Of The World.
143
00:07:58,240 --> 00:07:59,800
What?! Even though it's a...
144
00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:03,280
# Logistical nightmaaaare?
# Logistical nightmaaaare #
145
00:08:03,320 --> 00:08:04,480
Aw, yeah!
146
00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:09,160
And then maybe after, we can,
like...make an evening of it.
147
00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:14,160
What? Yeah. Yeah!
(CHUCKLES)
148
00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:17,160
So, Linda actually fainted-
Or we could...
149
00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:20,000
Hm? What?
Y'know. Now.
150
00:08:20,040 --> 00:08:22,240
You mean...?
Only if you wanted to.
151
00:08:22,280 --> 00:08:24,600
No. Yeah, yeah. Yeah!
Yeah?
152
00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:27,480
Sorry, I mean, I WAS just here
to get my ham sandwiches but-Yeah.
153
00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:29,640
About five minutes?
Er ten...ten minutes, yeah.
154
00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:30,960
Yeah. OK.
155
00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:33,360
Mm.
Yep.
156
00:08:35,919 --> 00:08:38,039
Kirst, what's in this water?
157
00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:40,760
Oh, no. Oh, no. No.
What?
158
00:08:40,799 --> 00:08:42,280
I'm so sorry!
What is it?!
159
00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:44,400
No, I didn't mean
for you to drink it, did I?
160
00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:46,400
What is it?
I didn't mean for you to drink it.
161
00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:49,280
OK, because this morning I woke up
and I was really phlegmy-
162
00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:51,800
Oh, my God, Kirsty!
I know. I know.
163
00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:54,120
I'm so sorry!
I didn't mean for you to drink it-
164
00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:56,200
I can feel it going down!
I'm so sorry.
165
00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:58,880
It's sliding down my gullet, Kirst-
Alright, alright!
166
00:08:58,920 --> 00:09:01,360
Calm down, knobhead.
I'll make you a cup of tea.
167
00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:02,920
Take the taste away.
168
00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:05,240
Oh...
169
00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:06,680
(KIRSTY SCREAMS)
170
00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:08,160
Kirst?
171
00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:10,200
(SPAGHETTI-WESTERN-STYLE MUSIC)
172
00:09:18,528 --> 00:09:21,520
I'm calling the police!
No, no, don't do that, love.
173
00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:23,640
Tell her.
Tell me what, Glen?
174
00:09:23,680 --> 00:09:26,880
'Scuse me for not standing.
My sciatica was killing me.
175
00:09:26,920 --> 00:09:28,680
Cos I've been
on my trotters all day,
176
00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:31,560
looking for a certain little twat
with a nutty haircut.
177
00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:33,360
Oh, my God! Does he mean YOU?
178
00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:35,640
Why's he saying that?
Any chance of a nice cup of tea?
179
00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:38,800
Kirsty, no, no.
What? What's happening? Is it drugs?
180
00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:40,760
It's drugs, isn't it? It's drugs!
181
00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:43,200
Leave off! I don't think crackheads
come in beige, do you?
182
00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:45,640
Are you gonna introduce me or what?
No!
183
00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:47,200
Agh!
No!
184
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:49,600
Kirsty, fetch the pepper spray!
What the fuck is that?
185
00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:52,400
Go on, get it, Kirsty! Get it!
I'm getting it!
186
00:09:52,440 --> 00:09:54,400
Are you gonna plunge me
with the objet d'art?
187
00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:56,520
Sorry. I'm sorry, Lee.
But you cannot be here-
188
00:09:56,560 --> 00:09:59,200
It's a bit late for that. Listen-
No, no. I don't want to listen.
189
00:09:59,240 --> 00:10:03,360
I just wanna ask you-
No! Now get out of my fucking house!
190
00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:06,680
Oh, for fuck's sake!
I just want to talk to you, Glen!
191
00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:08,640
(GASPS)
192
00:10:08,680 --> 00:10:10,640
You know each other?
193
00:10:10,680 --> 00:10:13,040
No, not really, no.
Oh, "not really"?
194
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:15,400
We... We used to...
"We used to"?
195
00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:17,640
Not, not, not, not any more,
actually.
196
00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:20,920
Jesus Christ, you really ARE a turd.
197
00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:24,480
Spray him, Glen!
I can't get the top off.
198
00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:26,120
Fuck me!
199
00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:30,040
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
200
00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:34,240
Canvey Island Holiday Park, '94.
201
00:10:34,280 --> 00:10:36,320
(GASPS)
No, no, take your time.
202
00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:38,000
Take your time.
Come on, Glen!
203
00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:40,320
I'm trying! I'm trying!
(LID POPS OFF)
204
00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:42,280
Ahhh!
205
00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:45,080
Yeah, alright.
I know where I'm not wanted.
206
00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:49,720
Nice to meet you, my darling.
You keep a lovely home.
207
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:51,800
What?
208
00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:54,840
That's enough from you, thanks.
Get out!
209
00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:56,800
Oh, dear.
And don't come here again!
210
00:10:56,840 --> 00:10:58,560
Yeah, that's it!
211
00:11:00,880 --> 00:11:04,200
..and don't pass it on,
but I'm getting it myself
on my high-traffic areas.
212
00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:06,600
My absolute pop of the top...
Pop of the...
213
00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:09,280
Pop of the... Pop... Pop...
Glen, mate!
214
00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:11,880
You see what happened this morning
with that geezer and Ian?
215
00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:13,960
I'm a bit busy, Aysha.
216
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,520
Honestly, fuck my life,
the one time I'm doing work
217
00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:18,120
and I miss him getting shanked up.
218
00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:20,160
RINGTONE: # My neck, my back
Who's this now?
219
00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:22,320
# Lick my pussy... #
Yo!
220
00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:25,360
I'm... I'm really sorry.
221
00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:27,920
OK. Let's talk underlay-
Da-fuck?!
222
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:30,440
Bro, we was literally
just talking about you!
223
00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:32,640
Yeah, he's here. Yeah, one sec.
224
00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:34,840
Ian, innit.
225
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:38,160
Hello?
226
00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:40,920
'Glen! You need
to come immediately.'
227
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:42,560
What? Where?
228
00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:44,440
Ian? Ian, what's going on?
229
00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:47,080
'Oh, God! I'm sorry.
I... I don't know! I don't know!
230
00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:48,320
I can't do this! I-'
231
00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:50,120
LEE: 'For fuck's sake,
just give me the phone!
232
00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:52,720
Give it here.'
Lovin' your gilet.
233
00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:56,800
'Dagenham, by the water,
where he died.
234
00:11:56,840 --> 00:11:58,840
You know the spot.'
235
00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:01,000
(SPAGHETTI-WESTERN-STYLE MUSIC)
236
00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:16,840
No!
237
00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:19,400
No! Stop! Wait! Wait!
238
00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:21,680
No! No! Stop!
239
00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:23,720
Don't do it!
240
00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:25,800
Do what?
Well...
241
00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:27,360
Ki... Kill him?
242
00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:29,120
Kill him?
243
00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:31,440
I've just given him
a cheese twist and a flapjack.
244
00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:40,160
Hello, Glen.
245
00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:43,600
Oh, my God, you bound him?
246
00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:46,360
Well, he did struggle initially.
Only initially.
247
00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:48,880
Ian, I am so sorry. Ian...
But we've been getting on.
248
00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:50,720
And it turns out
he's a lovely fella.
249
00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:52,840
Thank you!
Christ, it's double layered!
250
00:12:52,880 --> 00:12:54,720
He's been opening up
about his marriage.
251
00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:57,560
Sheila and me are going through
a bit of a rough patch.
252
00:12:57,600 --> 00:13:00,480
Yeah, which YOU'D know,
if you'd bothered to ask.
253
00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:03,240
Is he drunk?
254
00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:07,640
Just to grease the wheels.
My wheels are...fuckin' greasy!
255
00:13:07,680 --> 00:13:09,080
Oh, my God.
256
00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:10,720
Why would you do this?
257
00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:13,280
I just wanted to get your attention.
My attention?
258
00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:16,240
By kidnapping my boss?!
Do you think that's reasonable?
259
00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:17,960
Think that's normal?
Here we go, look.
260
00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:20,800
Old Panickin' Skywalker.
I told you, didn't I?
261
00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:22,320
(LAUGHS)
262
00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:25,080
Right. Well, everyone's having
a lovely time here.
263
00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:26,600
So I'll just be off.
Oh, Glen.
264
00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:28,840
Glen, don't be like that. Glen!
265
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,720
Glen!
266
00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:35,360
Glen! Glen, look you're getting
all mud on your trotters! Look!
267
00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:37,600
I just want to ask you a question!
268
00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:39,520
No!
What?
269
00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:42,320
I don't want to hear your question.
I refuse.
270
00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:44,320
Why?
Because...
271
00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:46,560
No.
272
00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:48,960
No, no. I've got a nice life now.
273
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:51,720
And I won't have it dragged down
into whatever bloody...
274
00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:54,800
After eight years, what gives you
the bloody right to come here-
275
00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:57,640
For fuck's sake, I'm your brother!
276
00:13:57,680 --> 00:13:59,640
No way!
277
00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:00,960
Some brother!
278
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:03,880
Well, YOU'RE the one
who fucked off to Essex!
279
00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:06,840
How dare you!
280
00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:08,760
I was...
281
00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:12,680
I stayed for her, yeah, while you
were off doing fuck knows what!
282
00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:14,800
Oh, here we go!
Yeah. Every day.
283
00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:17,040
Feeding her and getting
her tablets all...
284
00:14:17,080 --> 00:14:20,360
You didn't even have the decency-
Fine!
285
00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:23,120
Forget it.
286
00:14:24,520 --> 00:14:26,320
Hang on.
287
00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:34,400
Sorry, Ian. I'm sorry
you had to hear all that.
288
00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:37,280
Not a problem.
I do sort of need a wee, though.
289
00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:39,480
Come on, then. What is it?
What do you want to ask me?
290
00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:41,560
Don't worry.
You said you didn't want to hear it.
291
00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:44,280
I DO. I DO want to hear it.
And Ian does, too, don't you?
292
00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:46,880
Well, actually, my bladder-
What is it? Come on.
293
00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:49,400
You've come all this way.
You've gone to all this trouble.
294
00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:51,400
You've brought me
to the spot where Dad died.
295
00:14:51,440 --> 00:14:54,760
It's obviously important to you.
Come on, ask me a question!
296
00:14:57,840 --> 00:14:59,440
You got Steve's number?
297
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:02,000
Steve?
Steve.
298
00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:04,320
Steve?!
Steve. Your Uncle Steve.
299
00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:07,640
Except not by blood.
But, you know, Steve Drummond.
300
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:11,840
You just want...
Well, he's your god-dad, ain't he?
301
00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:14,800
You know, I just thought
you'd know where he is.
302
00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:16,840
Lost touch with him.
I miss the cunt.
303
00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:21,120
But I thought, erm...
(CLEARS THROAT)
304
00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:23,840
No, no, I don't have it.
305
00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:25,400
Right.
306
00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:27,680
Fuck.
307
00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:31,360
Well. You, er...
You look after yourself.
308
00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:34,280
And if you do hear from him,
you WILL let me know, won't ya?
309
00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:37,440
Sure. Yeah.While you're here,
you better get Ian out.
310
00:15:37,480 --> 00:15:39,520
Ooh, thank you.
311
00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:44,040
Ian, I'm so sorry about this.
Let's get you out...
312
00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:47,240
Hang on. What's all this?
Leave that alone, Glen.
313
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:49,480
No...
Leave it alone. Leave it-
314
00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:53,000
Why have you got...?
Oh, my God! Are you living in here?
315
00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:56,040
It's just temporary, right,
until I sort meself out.
316
00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:59,600
Hang on... Hang on.
Oh, my... You brought Dad?!
317
00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:01,480
Put him back.
Why would you bring Dad?
318
00:16:01,520 --> 00:16:04,080
Put him back where he was!
Why have you brought dad, Lee?
319
00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:06,280
Doesn't matter why-
Why would you bring dad, Lee?
320
00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:08,720
Put him back.
Why have you brought- No! No! No!
321
00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:11,760
I'm not gonna ask you again!
Alright! Alright! Alright!
322
00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:14,440
You can't sleep here.
You can stay at mine.
323
00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:17,240
What?
Yeah, a couple of nights.
324
00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:19,680
Get yourself sorted.
Find Steve, whatever.
325
00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:20,840
You sure?
326
00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:23,680
If you promise me
there's nothing dodgy going on.
327
00:16:23,720 --> 00:16:26,320
Oh, fuck off!
No, no, no, I mean it! Promise.
328
00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:28,200
Yeah, alright, I promise.
Oh, thank God.
329
00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:30,040
No.
330
00:16:30,080 --> 00:16:33,000
I want you to swear on Dad...that
there's nothing bad why you're here.
331
00:16:33,040 --> 00:16:35,680
I won't be doing that
because that's fucking ridiculous!
332
00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:37,760
No, swear on Dad, Lee.
Fuck off, Glen!
333
00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:40,320
Swear on Dad!
No, because I'm not 12!
334
00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:42,680
Swear on Dad!
Those are the ashes of my father!
335
00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:44,160
Swear on Dad, Lee!
No!
336
00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:47,000
Swear on Dad!
No, I won't swear on him! No!
337
00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:49,240
Swear on Dad!
338
00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:51,480
Swear on Dad! Swear on Dad, Lee!
339
00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:53,560
(MUFFLED YELLING)
340
00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:55,280
God.
Swear on Dad!
341
00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:57,160
Swear on Dad!
342
00:16:57,200 --> 00:17:00,080
Argh! Swear on Dad!
343
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:01,920
(THEY GROAN)
344
00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:03,920
Fucking little prick!
345
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:05,480
(GROANING)
346
00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:09,000
Fucking mug! (GROANS)
347
00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:11,240
Alright! ALRIGHT!
348
00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:14,680
I swear.
On Dad. Say it!
349
00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:16,839
Alright! I fucking swear on Dad!
350
00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:19,359
Fucking hell!
351
00:17:21,079 --> 00:17:23,000
(SLAPS HARD)
Argh!
352
00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:24,839
That's for being a silly bitch.
353
00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:30,440
(SPLASH)
You fucking...
354
00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:33,680
# Everybody's Talkin'
355
00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:36,680
(LEE SPLASHES)
356
00:17:38,560 --> 00:17:40,400
I'll be right with you.
357
00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:42,920
(URINATES)
I didn't know I had so much in me.
358
00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:47,280
Nice gaff you've got, though, Ian.
Yeah, thank you.
359
00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:49,520
What am I gonna say to Kirsty?
360
00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:53,200
Who'd you say I was after I left?
361
00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:56,720
I said, erm... (CLEARS THROAT)
362
00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:02,080
..you'd worked for
Dad's haulage company, and...
363
00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:05,720
you'd lost your way and fallen into
a spiral of addiction, and...
364
00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:09,720
And?Well, yeah, I had to think
on my feet, didn't I?
365
00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:11,880
What did you say?
I panicked, alright?
366
00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:15,160
What did you say, Glen?
You worked in prostitution!
367
00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:16,800
Fucking hell!
368
00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:18,960
Cheers!
369
00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:22,360
I didn't think you'd be
coming back, did I, so...
370
00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:24,760
And it's "sex worker", Glen.
371
00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:26,560
Get your terms right.
372
00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:29,120
Alright, I've got it.
373
00:18:29,160 --> 00:18:31,280
We'll pick up a takeaway -
get her favourite.
374
00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:32,560
What's her favourite?
375
00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:35,080
Spring rolls, lamb bhuna
and a side of popcorn chicken.
376
00:18:35,120 --> 00:18:38,000
It's a logistical nightmare
but it'll do the trick.
377
00:18:38,040 --> 00:18:41,200
Sheila! Shove your throw cushions
up your arse!
378
00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:43,040
Just charm her.
379
00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:45,280
Say something nice about her fringe.
380
00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:47,600
Her fringe?
It's always the fringe.
381
00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:51,240
You know, just say it
like it "really frames her face".
382
00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:53,000
Something like that.
383
00:18:56,440 --> 00:18:59,560
No, sorry.
She's YOUR fiancee. You know best.
384
00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:03,280
You're a top man, Glen.
You're a bigger man than ME.
385
00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:05,320
Not literally, obviously.
386
00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:10,200
Probably cos Mum smoked
while she was pregnant.
Fucking what?
387
00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:13,920
(LAUGHS WHEEZILY) There he is.
Fuck off!
388
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:15,840
The old Angry Beaver.
389
00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:19,240
Ah, you don't change, you, do ya?
Fuck you!
390
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:24,360
MAN: Oi! Get away from my bin!
Fuck you, Phil!
391
00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:27,600
Wazzock!
392
00:19:27,640 --> 00:19:29,400
(CLATTERING)
(IAN GROANS)
393
00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:30,920
Shall we...
394
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:33,120
No. Let's go.
(BOTH GROAN)
395
00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:35,360
Sheila!
396
00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:39,160
# A promise I make,
a promise I make
397
00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:40,880
# Starting to take,
starting to take #
398
00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:43,360
Alright, love! Sorry I'm so late.
# Babe... #
399
00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:47,400
Look who's back in town.
My bloody...
400
00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:50,400
# Rhinestone Cowboy #
401
00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:54,160
(MUSIC OFF)
She has had a few drink, OK,
402
00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:55,960
while she's been waiting for you.
403
00:19:56,000 --> 00:20:00,000
A little couple of glasses
of vino di rosso de tinto ma bebe.
404
00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:01,160
(LAUGHS)
405
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,680
Yeah. Ha-ha. Sorry, Kirst,
there's something I need to-
406
00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:06,480
What is that?
Tastes Of The World, innit.
407
00:20:06,520 --> 00:20:08,400
Eee...
408
00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:10,000
You got my favourite!
409
00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:13,040
Even though it's a...
# logistical nightmaaaaare #
410
00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:18,200
Yeah, there's something I need to-
Cos you gotta get the poppadoms!
411
00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:20,000
Kirsty, if I could-
(GASPS)
412
00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:22,280
No! No!
413
00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:24,880
Alright?
Glen! What the fu-
414
00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:27,400
It's not, erm... He's, er-
Why is he here?
415
00:20:27,440 --> 00:20:29,800
This is Lee.
Nice to meet ya.
416
00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:33,040
He's gonna be staying
with us for a bit.
417
00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:36,600
Are you fucking insane?!
418
00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:39,680
He broke into our home!
What are you thinking?!
419
00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:43,880
It's only for tonight.
Glen, you said he was a sex worker.
420
00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:47,360
Told ya.
421
00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:51,760
Kirsty, erm-
Oh, right! Oh, no!
422
00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:53,960
Oh, is it... Are you two-
Christ! No! no!
423
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:55,920
No, it's not that!
Fucking joking!
424
00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:57,600
Oh, my God...
Kirsty!
425
00:20:57,640 --> 00:21:00,440
Kirsty, Kirsty, Kirsty-
No! You get back!
426
00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:03,280
You get back!
Listen to me. Kirsty, listen to me!
427
00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:05,760
Kirsty! Kirsty! He's my brother!
428
00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:11,360
(LAUGHS) OK.
429
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:15,080
OK, sure. Yeah, sure he is.
430
00:21:15,120 --> 00:21:17,840
Because, you famously have
absolutely no family
431
00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:21,640
and he looks...oh, literally
nothing like you, Glen.
432
00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:23,960
Oh, no, it's totally plausible
that he's your bro-
433
00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:26,200
(PLAYS SPOONS)
Remember?
434
00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:30,800
What's he doing?
435
00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:34,520
Canvey Island Talent Show, 1994.
436
00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:36,120
Oh.
437
00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:41,160
What...?
438
00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:44,080
You got the tunes?
439
00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:47,360
You got the spoons?
440
00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:52,640
Can somebody please tell me
what the fuck is going on?
441
00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:56,040
# M PEOPLE: Moving On Up
442
00:21:56,080 --> 00:21:57,800
Right?
443
00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:04,040
(SPOONS CLACK RHYTHMICALLY)
444
00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:09,360
# Cos I'm movin' on up
445
00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:11,480
# You're movin' on out
446
00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:13,360
# Movin' on up
447
00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:15,240
# Nothin' can stop me
448
00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:16,760
# Movin' on up
449
00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:18,840
# You're movin' on out
450
00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:20,720
# Time to break free
451
00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:22,640
# Nothin' can stop me
452
00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:23,800
# Movin'
453
00:22:24,440 --> 00:22:25,920
# Movin'
454
00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:27,920
# Movin'
455
00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:30,560
# Nothin' can stop me
456
00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:32,040
(SAXOPHONE SOLO)
457
00:22:37,320 --> 00:22:39,160
(MUSIC ENDS)
458
00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:45,960
What the fuck?
459
00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:51,320
Oh, my God.
460
00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:55,200
I better get Dad on the radiator.
Yeah.
461
00:22:59,360 --> 00:23:02,800
I'm... I'm so sorry, Kirsty, but...
462
00:23:05,240 --> 00:23:07,080
# I got the poppadoms! #
463
00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:09,120
(PHONE BUZZES)
464
00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:18,440
Fuck you. D'you hear me?
465
00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:21,680
I'm gone. So call them off.
466
00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:24,680
It's over.
467
00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:28,040
# Yes, I'm comin' down...
468
00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:40,400
I keep meaning to say, love,
your, er...
469
00:23:40,440 --> 00:23:42,360
your fringe...
470
00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:44,080
really frames your face.
471
00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:46,440
(CLEARS THROAT)
472
00:23:47,320 --> 00:23:49,880
# I'm comin' down,
down, down, down, down!
473
00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:52,280
# Comin' down with a heartache
474
00:23:57,320 --> 00:23:59,920
# I ain't sick but I got a fever
475
00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:03,720
# Blood pressure's running high
476
00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:07,640
# Pulse ain't right,
I can't sleep at night
477
00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:10,600
# And here's the reason why
478
00:24:10,640 --> 00:24:13,440
# I'm comin' down,
down, down, down, down!
479
00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:15,320
# Comin' down with a heartache #
480
00:24:15,360 --> 00:24:18,800
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