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1
00:00:01,002 --> 00:00:02,128
[Lex] My fellow Legion members,
2
00:00:02,128 --> 00:00:04,422
what we have in this briefcase
3
00:00:04,422 --> 00:00:08,134
has the power
to change the universe as we know it.
4
00:00:08,134 --> 00:00:10,136
[Bane] Ooh, ooh, ooh!
5
00:00:10,136 --> 00:00:12,805
Is it a thing that takes
all the little crumbs at the bottom of a chip bag
6
00:00:12,805 --> 00:00:15,933
and reforms them
into full-sized chips again?
7
00:00:15,933 --> 00:00:19,145
You think we'd call
an all-hands-on-deck meeting for that?
8
00:00:19,145 --> 00:00:20,855
I would hope so.
9
00:00:20,855 --> 00:00:22,356
Behold...
10
00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:24,567
the Anti-Life Equation.
11
00:00:25,151 --> 00:00:26,360
[all gasping]
12
00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:27,904
- [growls]
- [Bane] Shiny golden light.
13
00:00:27,904 --> 00:00:30,740
If I can figure out
how to harness its power,
14
00:00:30,740 --> 00:00:32,366
I can kill Superman.
15
00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:34,285
- [all sighing]
- [The Riddler] Ah, here we go again.
16
00:00:34,285 --> 00:00:36,954
Lex, it's not happening.
You're like watching
17
00:00:36,954 --> 00:00:39,040
- a chihuahua
try to fuck a couch. - [cackles]
18
00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:40,541
It's not anything like that.
19
00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:43,086
With this,
I will destroy Superman.
20
00:00:43,086 --> 00:00:45,421
News flash,
it's Legion property,
21
00:00:45,421 --> 00:00:47,382
so you need an approval.
22
00:00:47,382 --> 00:00:48,966
[Black Manta] I vote we use it
to kill Aquaman.
23
00:00:48,966 --> 00:00:51,594
I vote that we use it
to kill Wonder Woman.
24
00:00:51,594 --> 00:00:53,763
[Bane] I hate to go back
to the chip thing,
25
00:00:53,763 --> 00:00:55,848
but have you ever
tried dipping those little bit--
26
00:00:55,848 --> 00:00:57,934
- No one gives a fuck
about your chip thing. - [Bane whimpers]
27
00:00:57,934 --> 00:01:00,103
The Justice League
is going to be coming for this.
28
00:01:00,103 --> 00:01:03,398
So let's hide it
in the impenetrable vault until we can agree on a use.
29
00:01:03,398 --> 00:01:07,610
I want round-the-clock
patrols of the building by every flying LOD member.
30
00:01:07,610 --> 00:01:11,030
- Where are our flying members?
- [Bane] Uh, missing.
31
00:01:11,030 --> 00:01:14,492
They were all invited to
a "Flyers Only Kaffee Klatch"
32
00:01:14,492 --> 00:01:16,452
and have not been seen since.
33
00:01:16,452 --> 00:01:19,539
A "Flyers Only Kaffee Klatch"?
Damn it.
34
00:01:19,539 --> 00:01:21,666
This was probably
a ruse by Superman
35
00:01:21,666 --> 00:01:23,334
- to remove
our overhead surveillance. - [all groaning]
36
00:01:23,334 --> 00:01:25,294
We need eyes in the air ASAP.
37
00:01:25,294 --> 00:01:27,296
[Black Manta] Who do
we know that flies?
38
00:01:27,296 --> 00:01:28,923
[rock music plays]
39
00:01:28,923 --> 00:01:30,425
[man] ♪ Hell, yeah ♪
40
00:01:31,342 --> 00:01:33,970
Oh, shit, shit, shit. Fuck me.
41
00:01:33,970 --> 00:01:35,555
- [grunting]
- [coins jingling]
42
00:01:35,555 --> 00:01:36,973
- [Kite Man groaning]
- [Spoiler grunting]
43
00:01:36,973 --> 00:01:40,143
Can we just put the money back
and be coolio?
44
00:01:40,143 --> 00:01:41,602
- [grunts] Ooh!
- [cell phone ringing]
45
00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:43,604
The Riddler's planted
a bomb downtown.
46
00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:46,983
[Spoiler] Ugh! I'm stopping
Kite Man and his goons from robbing a bank.
47
00:01:46,983 --> 00:01:48,651
Who's Kite Man again?
48
00:01:48,651 --> 00:01:50,319
[chuckles]
Hey, you know me. I got a kite,
49
00:01:50,319 --> 00:01:53,030
say, "Hell, yeah,"
do a solid Borat impression.
50
00:01:53,030 --> 00:01:53,990
[imitates Borat]
"Ah, my wife--"
51
00:01:53,990 --> 00:01:55,158
[grunts] Ow!
52
00:01:55,158 --> 00:01:56,701
Leave him to the cops.
53
00:01:58,119 --> 00:02:00,037
- [grunts] Ooh.
- [coins jingle]
54
00:02:00,037 --> 00:02:01,497
All righty.
55
00:02:01,497 --> 00:02:04,417
So, uh, anybody wanna
grab a brewski on me?
56
00:02:06,961 --> 00:02:10,882
Oh, this would
have gone way better if Golden Glider was here.
57
00:02:10,882 --> 00:02:13,384
Today is not my day.
58
00:02:14,719 --> 00:02:17,013
[man] Golden Glider,
today is your day.
59
00:02:17,013 --> 00:02:18,473
[gasps] It is?
60
00:02:18,473 --> 00:02:20,516
[man] Stacy has the shits.
You're skating the lead.
61
00:02:20,516 --> 00:02:24,270
[gasps] Gauntlet Gloria,
today really is my day.
62
00:02:24,270 --> 00:02:27,148
Okay, I'm opening
with my signature move,
63
00:02:27,148 --> 00:02:32,361
a pirouette into a triple axel,
aka the Golden Sparkler--
64
00:02:32,361 --> 00:02:34,614
Don't you mean
the Golden Shower?
65
00:02:34,614 --> 00:02:35,782
[coughing]
66
00:02:35,782 --> 00:02:38,367
Everyone, shut up!
The star has arrived.
67
00:02:38,367 --> 00:02:41,037
But you're sick.
What if you shit on the ice?
68
00:02:41,037 --> 00:02:43,081
- What if
the whole audience shits... - [Golden Glider groans]
69
00:02:43,081 --> 00:02:46,501
- ...when they see you skate,
Olden Glider? - [skaters laughing]
70
00:02:46,501 --> 00:02:48,252
- Right? Don't trip.
- [Golden Glider grunts]
71
00:02:48,252 --> 00:02:50,088
[Stacy laughing] Awesome.
72
00:02:50,088 --> 00:02:51,756
- [triumphant music playing]
- [audience cheering]
73
00:02:54,509 --> 00:02:56,803
Go get 'em, babe. Break legs.
74
00:02:56,803 --> 00:02:59,472
See you at the bar.
Drinks on me.
75
00:03:00,264 --> 00:03:01,391
[audience whoops]
76
00:03:01,391 --> 00:03:04,018
She stole my Golden Shower!
77
00:03:04,018 --> 00:03:06,020
[gasps] Sprinklers! Ugh, shit!
78
00:03:07,146 --> 00:03:08,689
That's it.
79
00:03:08,689 --> 00:03:10,942
- [grunting]
- [Stacy yelps]
80
00:03:10,942 --> 00:03:12,568
[groaning]
81
00:03:13,403 --> 00:03:14,278
[audience exclaiming]
82
00:03:14,278 --> 00:03:15,947
[Stacy grunting]
83
00:03:17,490 --> 00:03:20,910
[skaters grunting]
84
00:03:22,620 --> 00:03:24,580
- Eat ice!
- [Stacy grunting]
85
00:03:25,164 --> 00:03:26,582
[screams]
86
00:03:27,208 --> 00:03:28,668
[music fades]
87
00:03:28,668 --> 00:03:30,753
- [audience booing]
- Yeah, yeah. I know, I'm fired.
88
00:03:30,753 --> 00:03:32,296
I'll see myself out. [chuckles]
89
00:03:32,296 --> 00:03:34,424
This show sucks anyway.
90
00:03:34,424 --> 00:03:36,551
[scoffs] Stupid no talent.
91
00:03:36,551 --> 00:03:38,886
Calling me psycho?
You're psycho!
92
00:03:38,886 --> 00:03:40,930
[jazz music playing]
93
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:55,778
Babe, what happened to you?
94
00:03:55,778 --> 00:03:57,572
[sighs] Oh, you know matinees.
95
00:03:57,572 --> 00:03:59,240
[chuckles] How'd it go down
at the bank?
96
00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:02,118
Well, the good news is
we all came back in one piece.
97
00:04:02,118 --> 00:04:03,494
Oh, I beg to differ.
98
00:04:03,494 --> 00:04:05,163
Except Steve.
99
00:04:05,163 --> 00:04:06,581
He's bleeding out.
Hey, Noonan, can you sew him up?
100
00:04:06,581 --> 00:04:09,125
Got three guys ahead of him.
101
00:04:09,125 --> 00:04:11,961
Truth is, babe, a teen girl
kicked the crap out of us.
102
00:04:11,961 --> 00:04:14,005
[scoffs] Oh,
this freaking generation.
103
00:04:14,005 --> 00:04:16,758
Yeah, I think the problem is
we were inside a bank,
104
00:04:16,758 --> 00:04:19,052
and I can't use
my superpowers inside.
105
00:04:19,052 --> 00:04:21,637
A kite's not a superpower.
106
00:04:21,637 --> 00:04:25,475
Kids have kites,
and I could kick the shit out of most kids.
107
00:04:25,475 --> 00:04:28,811
- And Kite Man could kick
the shit out of all kids. - Thanks, babe.
108
00:04:28,811 --> 00:04:31,773
You don't need
superpowers to be a supervillain. [giggles]
109
00:04:31,773 --> 00:04:33,608
All's I know is,
when I was a kid,
110
00:04:33,608 --> 00:04:36,944
I'd sit in my room
and I'd dream about being a supervillain.
111
00:04:36,944 --> 00:04:38,863
My mom would knock
on the door and say,
112
00:04:38,863 --> 00:04:40,490
"Chuck, what are you
doing in there?"
113
00:04:40,490 --> 00:04:42,700
And I'd say,
"Not masturbating."
114
00:04:42,700 --> 00:04:46,329
And she'd say, "That feels
like something a masturbator would say while masturbating."
115
00:04:46,329 --> 00:04:49,123
And I'd be all like,
"Mom! I... I will tell you when I'm masturbating--"
116
00:04:49,123 --> 00:04:52,168
- Jesus fuck! Stop telling
that nasty-ass story. - [snoring]
117
00:04:52,168 --> 00:04:55,421
Yeah, I thought you were gonna
86 the "Mom catches me jacking it" shit.
118
00:04:55,421 --> 00:04:57,090
Shut up!
119
00:04:57,090 --> 00:04:59,509
Don't listen to them, Chuck.
I like that story. [chuckles]
120
00:04:59,509 --> 00:05:01,844
I don't. But you have
the right to tell it
121
00:05:01,844 --> 00:05:05,181
because you're a flying villain
destined for greatness.
122
00:05:05,181 --> 00:05:08,601
[Bane] I'm looking
for a flying villain destined for greatness
123
00:05:08,601 --> 00:05:11,187
to help out the Legion of Doom.
124
00:05:11,187 --> 00:05:13,523
Babe, that's literally you.
125
00:05:13,523 --> 00:05:15,650
[Bane] No way, Golden Glider.
126
00:05:15,650 --> 00:05:18,736
Lex is still pissed
from the last time you helped.
127
00:05:18,736 --> 00:05:23,825
That one insane power
of yours melted most of the cafeteria staff.
128
00:05:23,825 --> 00:05:26,661
- Oh, come on.
Those powers aren't my fault. - Hey.
129
00:05:26,661 --> 00:05:31,624
She told Lex very clearly
that she can't control her rather disturbing powers.
130
00:05:31,624 --> 00:05:33,334
- Thanks, babe.
- You're my world, babe.
131
00:05:33,334 --> 00:05:37,130
Yeah. I still have to bring Lex
a flying villain, so--
132
00:05:37,130 --> 00:05:38,339
Oh, Kite Man can do it.
133
00:05:38,339 --> 00:05:40,133
But he has no powers.
134
00:05:40,133 --> 00:05:41,718
He's just got a kite.
135
00:05:41,718 --> 00:05:44,679
Like a Victorian child
in a sailor suit.
136
00:05:44,679 --> 00:05:47,724
That is not true.
Kindness is his superpower.
137
00:05:47,724 --> 00:05:49,559
Noonan, when you were
stabbed in the heart,
138
00:05:49,559 --> 00:05:50,852
who brought you soup
for three months?
139
00:05:50,852 --> 00:05:53,563
FlashDash.
But Kite Man delivered it.
140
00:05:53,563 --> 00:05:54,939
[stammers]
And Queen of Fables,
141
00:05:54,939 --> 00:05:56,566
who found your severed head
on the ground
142
00:05:56,566 --> 00:05:57,942
and saved it
in a glass jar?
143
00:05:57,942 --> 00:05:59,569
Fuck if I know.
I was dead.
144
00:05:59,569 --> 00:06:00,737
It was Kite Man!
145
00:06:00,737 --> 00:06:02,697
- And Moe and Joe--
- Kite Man.
146
00:06:02,697 --> 00:06:04,073
Uh, I didn't say the thing yet.
147
00:06:04,073 --> 00:06:05,533
And you don't have to.
148
00:06:05,533 --> 00:06:08,035
Let's just say
they were able to reattach it.
149
00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:08,953
[both] Not all of it.
150
00:06:08,953 --> 00:06:10,496
See? Case closed.
151
00:06:10,496 --> 00:06:13,916
Your heart is your superpower,
and anyone who doesn't see that
152
00:06:13,916 --> 00:06:17,086
is a huge D-bag
who's getting their ass kicked by me.
153
00:06:17,086 --> 00:06:18,838
Well, I don't have
a ass to kick.
154
00:06:18,838 --> 00:06:20,631
Besides, heart ain't
even a power.
155
00:06:20,631 --> 00:06:22,884
[Bane] I enjoy
the friendly banter here,
156
00:06:22,884 --> 00:06:25,762
but I parked
in a loading zone so...
157
00:06:26,512 --> 00:06:28,431
Ugh, Kite Man it is.
158
00:06:28,431 --> 00:06:29,974
- [cheers]
- Hell, yeah.
159
00:06:29,974 --> 00:06:33,102
Kite Man.
Thank you for joining us.
160
00:06:33,102 --> 00:06:34,729
You know, I'm a big fan.
161
00:06:34,729 --> 00:06:37,690
Like you, I forged my way
to success and started--
162
00:06:37,690 --> 00:06:39,317
- Please shut the fuck up.
- Roger that.
163
00:06:39,317 --> 00:06:42,278
The Justice League is going
to attack us at any moment.
164
00:06:42,278 --> 00:06:43,863
Your job is to patrol the skies
165
00:06:43,863 --> 00:06:46,783
and alert us
if one of them attacks by air.
166
00:06:46,783 --> 00:06:49,327
Hey, easy peasy mac and cheesy.
167
00:06:49,327 --> 00:06:51,537
Do not fuck up.
168
00:06:51,537 --> 00:06:54,123
Oh, good thing
I only fuck down.
169
00:06:58,294 --> 00:07:00,296
[triumphant music playing]
170
00:07:01,339 --> 00:07:02,298
Hell, yeah!
171
00:07:03,216 --> 00:07:05,134
Kite Man to base.
172
00:07:05,134 --> 00:07:07,095
[loudly] KM to B.
173
00:07:07,095 --> 00:07:10,390
Can you hear me? Over.
174
00:07:10,390 --> 00:07:12,225
No need to shout.
175
00:07:12,225 --> 00:07:14,644
[chuckles] Yeah,
this equipment's pretty sensitive. Yeah.
176
00:07:14,644 --> 00:07:16,145
Gus, oh, sorry.
177
00:07:16,145 --> 00:07:17,814
[stammers] I just...
I'm a... I'm a little nervous.
178
00:07:17,814 --> 00:07:19,482
- This is a big opportunity.
- Oh, well,
179
00:07:19,482 --> 00:07:21,734
- you know what
I tell my kindergartners? - [music fades]
180
00:07:21,734 --> 00:07:24,237
Even a complex task is simple
181
00:07:24,237 --> 00:07:28,449
if you do one
right thing followed by another right thing.
182
00:07:28,449 --> 00:07:29,784
You teach kindergarten?
183
00:07:29,784 --> 00:07:31,702
Oh, yeah.
I just goon on the side--
184
00:07:31,702 --> 00:07:34,956
Oh, dear God!
Everything here is on fire.
185
00:07:34,956 --> 00:07:37,875
Gus? I'm...
I'm coming for you. Over.
186
00:07:39,711 --> 00:07:41,921
[grunting]
187
00:07:43,131 --> 00:07:45,299
[groaning]
188
00:07:45,299 --> 00:07:47,677
- Everybody back up!
He needs to breathe. - [Kite Man groaning]
189
00:07:47,677 --> 00:07:49,178
Give him space.
190
00:07:49,178 --> 00:07:51,305
- [groaning]
- [Golden Glider] Chuck, wake up!
191
00:07:51,305 --> 00:07:53,641
[gasps] Are you okay?
192
00:07:53,641 --> 00:07:55,017
- [Kite Man groans]
- [body cracks]
193
00:07:55,017 --> 00:07:57,311
Well, a little sore,
but it's not too bad
194
00:07:57,311 --> 00:08:00,565
considering I went
toe to toe with the son of Krypton himself.
195
00:08:00,565 --> 00:08:05,153
Um... Well, you didn't actually
quite get to Superman.
196
00:08:05,153 --> 00:08:06,988
You got knocked out
197
00:08:06,988 --> 00:08:09,240
and then a crosswind blew
your limp, unconscious body into some power lines.
198
00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:11,993
Crosswinds, the, uh, Superman
of weather patterns there.
199
00:08:11,993 --> 00:08:13,828
[hesitates] But, uh, hey,
did we at least...
200
00:08:13,828 --> 00:08:15,747
Did we protect the...
the thingamajig?
201
00:08:15,747 --> 00:08:17,039
What... What is it? The, um...
202
00:08:17,039 --> 00:08:17,999
[Lex] It's gone.
203
00:08:18,875 --> 00:08:20,710
Lex, you came to check on me?
204
00:08:20,710 --> 00:08:22,837
Hardly. I came here
remotely to say
205
00:08:22,837 --> 00:08:25,256
you are the worst "villain"
I have ever witnessed.
206
00:08:25,256 --> 00:08:27,592
How dare you say that,
you shaved ball sack!
207
00:08:27,592 --> 00:08:28,801
I got this, babe.
208
00:08:28,801 --> 00:08:30,053
You know what, Lex?
209
00:08:30,053 --> 00:08:31,846
- [back cracking]
- Ow! Oh, my back.
210
00:08:31,846 --> 00:08:33,264
- [groans]
- Oh, oh, oh, babe.
211
00:08:33,264 --> 00:08:34,891
- Babe? Babe? Oh, Jesus.
- Yeah, I'm gonna...
212
00:08:34,891 --> 00:08:36,684
I'm gonna stand up for myself
lying down.
213
00:08:36,684 --> 00:08:38,478
- And, ooh, there we go.
- Hey.
214
00:08:38,478 --> 00:08:40,480
- Gentle. Gentle.
- [groaning]
215
00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:41,939
- Is he still there?
- Yeah.
216
00:08:41,939 --> 00:08:44,734
You know what, Lex?
I used to look up to you.
217
00:08:44,734 --> 00:08:47,195
Now, you may have
a bajillion dollars
218
00:08:47,195 --> 00:08:50,573
and a fancy corporation
and a private army--
219
00:08:50,573 --> 00:08:52,241
- What a loser!
- Uh...
220
00:08:52,241 --> 00:08:53,993
Nope, hang on, babe.
Didn't get to the bad stuff yet.
221
00:08:53,993 --> 00:08:55,661
- 10-4, babe.
- Here it comes.
222
00:08:55,661 --> 00:08:59,624
You may have that stuff,
but you know what you don't have?
223
00:08:59,624 --> 00:09:01,209
Friends.
224
00:09:01,209 --> 00:09:03,961
You'll never be able
to walk into a place like this,
225
00:09:03,961 --> 00:09:05,838
lie down on the floor,
226
00:09:05,838 --> 00:09:09,592
and know that everyone
around you loves you and cares about you.
227
00:09:09,592 --> 00:09:11,511
So who's the real loser here?
228
00:09:11,511 --> 00:09:13,513
Me or the guy with no friends
229
00:09:13,513 --> 00:09:19,102
who, real talk, will never
be able to kill Superman?
230
00:09:19,102 --> 00:09:21,604
So, this dump
is your sanctuary?
231
00:09:21,604 --> 00:09:23,106
You're darn tootin'.
232
00:09:23,106 --> 00:09:25,441
Mr. Noonan,
I would like to buy your bar.
233
00:09:25,441 --> 00:09:27,026
It's not for sale.
234
00:09:27,026 --> 00:09:28,945
- How about
ten million dollars? - Sold.
235
00:09:28,945 --> 00:09:30,321
- What?
- [all exclaiming]
236
00:09:30,321 --> 00:09:31,823
Wonderful.
237
00:09:31,823 --> 00:09:33,408
I'll have my people
draw up the contract
238
00:09:33,408 --> 00:09:35,368
and a wrecking crew here
by the end of the week.
239
00:09:35,368 --> 00:09:37,453
- [door closes]
- Is everyone staring at me disapprovingly?
240
00:09:37,453 --> 00:09:39,497
I... I can't get a good angle.
241
00:09:39,497 --> 00:09:42,792
This is all that's left
of our impenetrable vault.
242
00:09:42,792 --> 00:09:47,880
[Bane] Toy Man,
please tell me you purchased the extended warranty.
243
00:09:50,299 --> 00:09:51,134
- Uh-oh.
- [beeps]
244
00:09:51,134 --> 00:09:52,468
[screams]
245
00:09:52,468 --> 00:09:55,304
[Bane] Is...
Is that a thing with every chair?
246
00:09:55,304 --> 00:09:57,098
I am going to stand.
247
00:09:57,098 --> 00:09:59,559
- [Bane grunting]
- You know whose fault this is?
248
00:09:59,559 --> 00:10:00,768
Kite Man's.
249
00:10:00,768 --> 00:10:02,478
And you picked him, Bane.
250
00:10:02,478 --> 00:10:05,982
[Bane] I think we should be
supportive of each other.
251
00:10:05,982 --> 00:10:09,277
- Would you give me some
fucking space and take a seat? - [Bane whimpers]
252
00:10:09,277 --> 00:10:11,362
- My point is--
- You're fired.
253
00:10:11,362 --> 00:10:15,450
- [glass shatters]
- [Bane yells] What happened to two weeks' notice?
254
00:10:15,450 --> 00:10:19,036
What the dick, Noonan?
You can't sell this bar.
255
00:10:19,036 --> 00:10:21,748
Look, I don't want to sell it.
256
00:10:21,748 --> 00:10:24,167
But I can't refuse
ten million bucks.
257
00:10:24,167 --> 00:10:27,003
[sighs] But this place
freaking rules.
258
00:10:27,003 --> 00:10:29,005
Chuck and I had
our first date here.
259
00:10:29,005 --> 00:10:31,174
- Who the hell is Chuck?
- Kite Man.
260
00:10:31,174 --> 00:10:32,675
Aw.
261
00:10:32,675 --> 00:10:34,635
We had drinks at the bar.
We played darts right over there.
262
00:10:34,635 --> 00:10:37,138
Did hand stuff at the table
right there. [giggles]
263
00:10:37,138 --> 00:10:43,603
My drinking problem
and subsequent divorce started on this very stool.
264
00:10:43,603 --> 00:10:47,356
Yeah, the big supervillains
are all sitting pretty in their lairs,
265
00:10:47,356 --> 00:10:50,651
but this place
is for the dregs, the goons, the henches.
266
00:10:50,651 --> 00:10:52,111
A place for the rest of us.
267
00:10:52,111 --> 00:10:55,073
A place you don't mind
taking a nasty shit in.
268
00:10:55,073 --> 00:10:56,157
I agree.
269
00:10:56,157 --> 00:10:58,034
And not just because
we share an anus.
270
00:10:58,034 --> 00:10:59,410
Well, I'll tell you what.
271
00:10:59,410 --> 00:11:01,287
It's not going anywhere.
272
00:11:01,287 --> 00:11:04,332
You can do
number two in this place as long as you want
273
00:11:04,332 --> 00:11:08,211
'cause me and Glider
are buying this bar.
274
00:11:08,211 --> 00:11:09,420
Yeah, we are!
275
00:11:09,420 --> 00:11:10,713
Wait, what? [chuckles]
276
00:11:10,713 --> 00:11:12,715
Babe, this bar is
10 million dollars.
277
00:11:12,715 --> 00:11:15,385
You can't put a price
on the place you call home.
278
00:11:15,385 --> 00:11:17,845
Uh, you absolutely can
and it's 10 million dollars.
279
00:11:17,845 --> 00:11:19,514
- Babe.
- [chuckling] Babe.
280
00:11:19,514 --> 00:11:21,349
- Babe.
- Babe!
281
00:11:21,349 --> 00:11:23,017
Babe.
282
00:11:23,017 --> 00:11:26,396
Will you make me the happiest
small business owner in the world
283
00:11:26,396 --> 00:11:27,939
and buy this bar with me?
284
00:11:27,939 --> 00:11:29,941
Is this bullshit working?
285
00:11:29,941 --> 00:11:31,567
I don't even know
what I'm watching anymore.
286
00:11:31,567 --> 00:11:34,362
Oh, you crazy son of a mom!
287
00:11:34,362 --> 00:11:36,364
This is the stupidest idea
in the world,
288
00:11:36,364 --> 00:11:39,700
and I can't wait to do it
with you! [laughs]
289
00:11:39,700 --> 00:11:40,952
- [all cheering]
- Babe.
290
00:11:40,952 --> 00:11:42,370
- [all applauding]
- Aw, look at that.
291
00:11:42,370 --> 00:11:44,914
Here comes the hand stuff
they were talking about.
292
00:11:44,914 --> 00:11:46,165
This is bullshit.
293
00:11:46,165 --> 00:11:47,667
You don't have
10 million dollars.
294
00:11:47,667 --> 00:11:51,295
We can get the money
with the power of our love.
295
00:11:51,295 --> 00:11:52,630
Like through a cam show or a...
296
00:11:52,630 --> 00:11:53,756
Okay, not from a cam show.
297
00:11:53,756 --> 00:11:55,174
But we'll find it.
298
00:11:55,174 --> 00:11:57,385
And Sean, when we come up
with 10 million dollars,
299
00:11:57,385 --> 00:11:59,303
will you sell it to us
instead of Lex?
300
00:11:59,303 --> 00:12:02,098
Sure. But where are you gonna
get that kind of moolah?
301
00:12:02,098 --> 00:12:04,267
It's not gonna just
fall out of the sky.
302
00:12:05,309 --> 00:12:06,144
[Bane] Oh!
303
00:12:06,144 --> 00:12:11,607
God damn you, Lex Luthor!
304
00:12:11,607 --> 00:12:14,152
Aw, shit. I was hoping
that was gonna be a sack filled with money.
305
00:12:14,152 --> 00:12:18,614
[chuckles] And now,
you got a ceiling to repair on top of the ten mil.
306
00:12:18,614 --> 00:12:22,201
Kite Man and I
will get you that money by the end of the week.
307
00:12:22,201 --> 00:12:24,704
- You have a plan, right, babe?
- Hell, yeah, I do.
308
00:12:24,704 --> 00:12:27,540
'Cause I am a grown-ass man.
309
00:12:27,540 --> 00:12:30,793
Daddy, I need to borrow
10 million dollars, please.
310
00:12:30,793 --> 00:12:33,463
Absolutely not. Anything else?
311
00:12:33,463 --> 00:12:37,008
I'm just waiting for the part
where you tell me it's Opposite Day.
312
00:12:37,008 --> 00:12:38,468
It is not Opposite Day.
313
00:12:38,468 --> 00:12:40,678
Well, you don't even know
what the loan is for.
314
00:12:40,678 --> 00:12:41,971
Who is this woman?
315
00:12:41,971 --> 00:12:44,140
I'm his
girlfriend/business partner.
316
00:12:44,140 --> 00:12:45,725
We've met several times.
317
00:12:45,725 --> 00:12:48,311
I sent you a box
of Omaha steaks for your birthday.
318
00:12:48,311 --> 00:12:49,145
That's dumb.
319
00:12:49,145 --> 00:12:50,813
Look, I got to where I am
320
00:12:50,813 --> 00:12:53,566
because I recognize
a bad investment when I see one.
321
00:12:53,566 --> 00:12:55,651
You are that bad investment.
322
00:12:55,651 --> 00:12:57,737
Nah, I'm not following.
323
00:12:57,737 --> 00:12:59,197
Not really a money guy.
324
00:12:59,197 --> 00:13:01,157
Let me be abundantly clear.
325
00:13:01,157 --> 00:13:03,534
You have never accomplished
anything in your life.
326
00:13:03,534 --> 00:13:06,537
- I do not believe in you.
- Well, then loan it to me.
327
00:13:06,537 --> 00:13:09,499
No, because you're dumb
enough to date Chuck.
328
00:13:09,499 --> 00:13:12,168
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to get a vasectomy.
329
00:13:12,168 --> 00:13:15,838
Good idea. In fact,
make it a double vasectomy.
330
00:13:15,838 --> 00:13:18,841
Come on, Chuck.
Let's bounce.
331
00:13:18,841 --> 00:13:20,676
- [Kiteman grunts]
- [Golden Glider grunts]
332
00:13:22,678 --> 00:13:25,473
- Can't believe
my dad is being so stingy. - Oh, forget him.
333
00:13:25,473 --> 00:13:27,558
There's got to be
another way to get this money.
334
00:13:27,558 --> 00:13:28,643
Oh, I know!
335
00:13:28,643 --> 00:13:30,103
- Not Shark Tank.
- Damn.
336
00:13:30,103 --> 00:13:32,730
Ugh! Asking people for money
is so humiliating.
337
00:13:32,730 --> 00:13:34,232
That's it.
338
00:13:34,232 --> 00:13:37,235
Babe, it's about to get
a lot more humiliating.
339
00:13:38,694 --> 00:13:40,446
Look, Chuck,
340
00:13:40,446 --> 00:13:44,492
I realize that
we spent your last dime on a wedding deposit
341
00:13:44,492 --> 00:13:46,452
that you will never get back,
and I--
342
00:13:46,452 --> 00:13:47,662
Damn right he did.
343
00:13:47,662 --> 00:13:49,789
No worries.
It was all part of my journey.
344
00:13:49,789 --> 00:13:54,711
However, I... I do not
have 10 million dollars just a-lying around.
345
00:13:54,711 --> 00:13:55,920
Eh, I find that
hard to believe.
346
00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:57,714
Babe.
347
00:13:57,714 --> 00:13:59,215
It's true. We just bought
a vacation property in Themyscira,
348
00:13:59,215 --> 00:14:00,633
so we're second house poor.
349
00:14:00,633 --> 00:14:02,719
Well, that's very relatable.
350
00:14:02,719 --> 00:14:03,970
Not really, babe.
351
00:14:03,970 --> 00:14:05,555
I think they're saying
they don't--
352
00:14:05,555 --> 00:14:08,141
- Oh. No, oh, okay.
I get it. Wow. - [cat meows]
353
00:14:08,141 --> 00:14:10,518
Well, this is
mucho disappointing.
354
00:14:10,518 --> 00:14:13,146
Hey, chin up, Kitey.
You're a bad guy.
355
00:14:13,146 --> 00:14:14,522
What do bad guys do?
356
00:14:14,522 --> 00:14:17,358
Bad guys steal things
from worse guys.
357
00:14:17,358 --> 00:14:19,318
Oh, that is the worst...
[gasps]
358
00:14:19,318 --> 00:14:23,072
A really good idea
I've ever heard.
359
00:14:23,072 --> 00:14:26,075
Our target,
Casa de Caucasion.
360
00:14:26,075 --> 00:14:29,245
[Kite Man] An impermeable
island stronghold on the Eastern Seaboard.
361
00:14:29,245 --> 00:14:33,249
Also, there's usually
some taffy in the cupboard above the fridge.
362
00:14:36,919 --> 00:14:38,463
Are we robbing
your fucking dad?
363
00:14:38,463 --> 00:14:40,757
- Hell, yeah.
- Damn skippy.
364
00:14:40,757 --> 00:14:42,258
Sick.
365
00:14:49,849 --> 00:14:53,102
- This place looks
like a death trap. - Hell, yeah, big time.
366
00:14:53,102 --> 00:14:55,188
My dad has a group
of ex-Mossad agents
367
00:14:55,188 --> 00:14:57,648
and power yoga instructors
to protect his mans.
368
00:14:57,648 --> 00:15:00,276
I would be remiss
if I didn't warn you.
369
00:15:00,276 --> 00:15:02,320
Not all of you will make it
back in one piece.
370
00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:04,113
I don't have any more
fucking pieces to lose.
371
00:15:04,113 --> 00:15:08,951
I am drunk and I am in. [burps]
372
00:15:08,951 --> 00:15:11,204
All right.
We need a distraction.
373
00:15:11,204 --> 00:15:12,705
Ooh, I got a distraction.
374
00:15:12,705 --> 00:15:15,124
And it involves
a pirouette into a triple axel.
375
00:15:15,124 --> 00:15:16,542
[doorbell rings]
376
00:15:16,542 --> 00:15:17,418
Hit it.
377
00:15:17,418 --> 00:15:20,088
[orchestral music playing]
378
00:15:20,671 --> 00:15:22,465
Oh, my God!
379
00:15:22,465 --> 00:15:24,342
She's skating
the opening adagio
380
00:15:24,342 --> 00:15:27,762
from the Generic Desert
Apocalypse on Ice!
381
00:15:27,762 --> 00:15:29,347
It's working. Let's go!
382
00:15:29,347 --> 00:15:30,640
[bodyguard] Holy shit!
383
00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:32,642
I've never seen a move
so beautiful.
384
00:15:32,642 --> 00:15:34,644
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Who are they?
385
00:15:34,644 --> 00:15:35,895
Those are my, uh...
386
00:15:35,895 --> 00:15:37,814
[clears throat]
Backup skaters.
387
00:15:37,814 --> 00:15:39,816
[all cheer disjointedly]
388
00:15:39,816 --> 00:15:41,526
Hang on.
389
00:15:41,526 --> 00:15:44,612
The backup skaters
don't come out until the end of act one.
390
00:15:44,612 --> 00:15:46,322
We're being had!
391
00:15:46,322 --> 00:15:47,532
[grunts]
392
00:15:55,081 --> 00:15:57,208
- Time to wing it!
- [Bane screams]
393
00:15:57,208 --> 00:15:59,085
[all yelling]
394
00:16:00,878 --> 00:16:02,672
[bodyguards grunting]
395
00:16:03,756 --> 00:16:04,632
[screams] Oh!
396
00:16:07,343 --> 00:16:09,512
[yells and groans]
397
00:16:09,512 --> 00:16:11,431
Ooh, it's wet and it's gross.
Oh, God.
398
00:16:12,557 --> 00:16:13,266
[grunts]
399
00:16:13,266 --> 00:16:15,685
- [grunts]
- [screams]
400
00:16:15,685 --> 00:16:16,769
[guns firing]
401
00:16:19,063 --> 00:16:20,523
[both scream]
402
00:16:20,523 --> 00:16:22,650
Oh, it's gross, and it's wet.
It's warm. [grunts]
403
00:16:26,028 --> 00:16:27,697
[both scream]
404
00:16:27,697 --> 00:16:29,365
[both grunting]
405
00:16:36,706 --> 00:16:38,291
[choking]
406
00:16:40,126 --> 00:16:42,336
[both grunting]
407
00:16:45,173 --> 00:16:49,552
- Wait, aren't you my kid's
kindergarten teacher? - [man 1 screaming faintly]
408
00:16:49,552 --> 00:16:53,556
[gasps] You're Mikey's dad.
How fun!
409
00:16:53,556 --> 00:16:55,516
- Did you get the note
I sent home with him? - Yeah.
410
00:16:55,516 --> 00:16:57,018
- [man 1 screaming faintly]
- Sorry. I... I think
411
00:16:57,018 --> 00:16:59,479
he's acting out
'cause I've been working so much.
412
00:16:59,479 --> 00:17:02,065
- [Queen of Fables grunting]
- [bodyguard 2 screaming]
413
00:17:02,065 --> 00:17:03,900
You're welcome.
414
00:17:03,900 --> 00:17:06,903
Well, I'm gonna have
to block off some one-on-one time with Mikey.
415
00:17:06,903 --> 00:17:08,571
[Kite Man grunting]
416
00:17:09,697 --> 00:17:10,531
[bodyguards grunt]
417
00:17:10,531 --> 00:17:12,158
Go in there and get the money.
418
00:17:12,158 --> 00:17:13,910
I'll stay here
and beat them off.
419
00:17:13,910 --> 00:17:15,411
[laughs] Babe, you said beat--
420
00:17:15,411 --> 00:17:17,371
- Not now, Chuck! [grunts]
- [woman yells]
421
00:17:18,122 --> 00:17:20,750
[bodyguards screaming]
422
00:17:20,750 --> 00:17:21,918
[both groan]
423
00:17:21,918 --> 00:17:23,544
[gasps]
424
00:17:23,544 --> 00:17:25,296
Oh! [grunts]
425
00:17:27,673 --> 00:17:28,549
[grunts]
426
00:17:31,427 --> 00:17:32,678
- [gasps]
- [Kite Man grunts]
427
00:17:32,678 --> 00:17:34,138
[both grunting]
428
00:17:35,014 --> 00:17:36,474
Babe, we need a miracle.
429
00:17:36,474 --> 00:17:38,393
You have got to use
your powers.
430
00:17:38,393 --> 00:17:41,479
I can't. You know I can't
control them when I use them.
431
00:17:41,479 --> 00:17:43,439
- [man 3 screaming faintly]
- Lisa! There is no other way.
432
00:17:43,439 --> 00:17:46,109
Chuck, what if I kill you?
433
00:17:46,109 --> 00:17:48,361
That's not gonna happen.
I trust you.
434
00:17:48,361 --> 00:17:50,238
Why do you think I want
to buy a bar with you?
435
00:17:50,238 --> 00:17:54,700
Hey, you's twos
done having your aside so we can murder youse?
436
00:17:54,700 --> 00:17:58,246
Unless we murder you
like a razor cutting through garlic.
437
00:17:58,246 --> 00:18:00,706
- [laughs] Right, Moe?
- Let's find out.
438
00:18:04,293 --> 00:18:05,920
- [groans]
- [gasps]
439
00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:06,921
[groans]
440
00:18:09,799 --> 00:18:11,134
Joe!
441
00:18:11,134 --> 00:18:15,388
Oh, shit, shit, shit.
442
00:18:15,388 --> 00:18:16,848
No, no, no...
443
00:18:16,848 --> 00:18:18,683
[groaning]
444
00:18:24,313 --> 00:18:25,648
[shrieks]
445
00:18:29,318 --> 00:18:30,611
[all scream]
446
00:18:36,659 --> 00:18:40,329
Schwing! Never been turned on
more than right now.
447
00:18:41,164 --> 00:18:42,331
[screams]
448
00:18:43,207 --> 00:18:44,542
[all screaming]
449
00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:46,836
[groans]
450
00:18:47,336 --> 00:18:48,421
Hell, yeah!
451
00:18:50,089 --> 00:18:52,633
So that's the power.
452
00:18:59,348 --> 00:19:01,350
- Hello, Charles.
- Dad.
453
00:19:01,350 --> 00:19:02,894
I've been waiting
to give you these.
454
00:19:02,894 --> 00:19:05,855
What's in them? Oh, oh...
Is it centipedes?
455
00:19:05,855 --> 00:19:07,982
It's centipedes, isn't it?
Did you know that they sting you?
456
00:19:07,982 --> 00:19:11,194
The bags are full of money,
you idiot.
457
00:19:11,194 --> 00:19:12,904
Ten million to be exact.
458
00:19:12,904 --> 00:19:14,697
You're giving me the money?
459
00:19:14,697 --> 00:19:16,991
This is the first time
I've ever seen you stand up to me.
460
00:19:16,991 --> 00:19:22,330
It makes me think
maybe you're not a completely worthless piece of garbage.
461
00:19:22,330 --> 00:19:26,125
I've waited
my whole life for... [chuckles]
462
00:19:26,125 --> 00:19:28,378
Well, I mean not...
Not those words,
463
00:19:28,378 --> 00:19:30,505
but I'll take it.
464
00:19:30,505 --> 00:19:32,048
[somber music playing
on recorder]
465
00:19:32,048 --> 00:19:34,509
[Kite Man] We were victorious,
but there was a cost.
466
00:19:34,509 --> 00:19:38,638
I will now read the names
of those who were killed in our pursuit of glory.
467
00:19:38,638 --> 00:19:43,976
Scuzzy, Jimmy One Ball,
Joey Three Balls, Kneecaps McGee,
468
00:19:43,976 --> 00:19:45,395
Joe Dubelz.
469
00:19:45,395 --> 00:19:46,938
Wait, what? Nah, nah, nah.
470
00:19:46,938 --> 00:19:49,315
Joe's fine.
He's just taking a nap.
471
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:52,902
And Bane,
who I'll miss most of all.
472
00:19:52,902 --> 00:19:54,487
[Bane sputtering] Who?
Wait, what?
473
00:19:54,487 --> 00:19:55,822
- No!
- [coughs]
474
00:19:55,822 --> 00:19:57,448
[Bane] I had to use
the bathroom
475
00:19:57,448 --> 00:19:59,575
back at your dad's house
and I got lost.
476
00:19:59,575 --> 00:20:02,745
Did you leave me for dead?
477
00:20:02,745 --> 00:20:04,831
[stammers] Uh, well,
yeah, well...
478
00:20:04,831 --> 00:20:08,334
But the important thing is
we have the money and we can buy the bar.
479
00:20:08,334 --> 00:20:10,586
[all cheering]
480
00:20:14,465 --> 00:20:18,386
Is that the briefcase
you told us the Justice League stole?
481
00:20:18,386 --> 00:20:19,762
And if it is?
482
00:20:19,762 --> 00:20:21,597
That would mean
Superman never took it.
483
00:20:21,597 --> 00:20:24,517
Which means you were the one
that tricked our flyers
484
00:20:24,517 --> 00:20:26,519
into leaving the skies
unprotected.
485
00:20:26,519 --> 00:20:31,482
Except for Kite Man,
a known idiot who would be your fall guy.
486
00:20:31,482 --> 00:20:34,235
There's just one big flaw
in your plan.
487
00:20:34,235 --> 00:20:37,864
The Justice League will scour
the universe for this thing.
488
00:20:37,864 --> 00:20:40,825
And you don't have
the means to protect it.
489
00:20:40,825 --> 00:20:43,953
You only have
to protect something if people know where it is.
490
00:20:43,953 --> 00:20:45,413
It's on your desk.
491
00:20:45,413 --> 00:20:47,498
Oh, I'll be moving it
right after you're dead.
492
00:20:47,498 --> 00:20:48,958
"Right after I'm..."
493
00:20:48,958 --> 00:20:50,710
Shit.
494
00:20:50,710 --> 00:20:52,462
In answer to your question,
495
00:20:52,462 --> 00:20:56,466
I'll be hiding it
in the last place anyone would think to look.
496
00:20:57,467 --> 00:20:59,302
Kite Man and Golden Glider,
497
00:20:59,302 --> 00:21:01,721
you are the proud owners
of a bar
498
00:21:01,721 --> 00:21:03,848
that's got four mortgages on it
499
00:21:03,848 --> 00:21:08,478
as well as black mold
inside every wall.
500
00:21:11,314 --> 00:21:13,066
Lex, we won it fair and square.
501
00:21:13,066 --> 00:21:16,360
I'm not here to kill you.
I'm here to congratulate you.
502
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:18,946
So, are we friends now?
503
00:21:18,946 --> 00:21:23,659
No, I'm friends
with important people like Joker and Paul Simon.
504
00:21:23,659 --> 00:21:26,204
Anyway, congrats
on your new business venture.
505
00:21:26,204 --> 00:21:27,705
Uh, Bane, let's go.
506
00:21:27,705 --> 00:21:31,292
I am with them now.
They treat me with respect.
507
00:21:31,292 --> 00:21:33,419
Uh, usually.
508
00:21:33,419 --> 00:21:35,588
Fine. You do you, Bane.
509
00:21:37,006 --> 00:21:40,551
[Bane] I'm doing me!
[mimicking gunshots]
510
00:21:41,761 --> 00:21:44,305
I've done some
whack-ass shit in my life.
511
00:21:44,305 --> 00:21:47,767
But this...
is the whack-assiest.
512
00:21:47,767 --> 00:21:50,895
And I can't imagine
doing it with anyone else.
513
00:21:50,895 --> 00:21:52,230
Hell, yeah.
514
00:21:52,230 --> 00:21:53,689
Babe, I got a feeling
we're gonna make this bar...
515
00:21:53,689 --> 00:21:55,483
[imitates Borat]
...a great success.
516
00:21:55,483 --> 00:21:57,276
[imitates Borat]
Ah, very nice.
517
00:21:57,276 --> 00:21:58,986
[both moaning]
518
00:21:58,986 --> 00:22:00,905
[Gus in normal voice]
Oh, here comes the hand stuff.
519
00:22:05,118 --> 00:22:06,577
[DeSaad] Lord Darkseid!
520
00:22:06,577 --> 00:22:08,579
After ages of searching,
521
00:22:08,579 --> 00:22:11,791
I have narrowed
the location of the weapon to a small range of planets.
522
00:22:11,791 --> 00:22:13,459
Excellent.
523
00:22:13,459 --> 00:22:17,213
For it is Darkseid's
destiny to harness the Anti-Life Equation.
524
00:22:17,213 --> 00:22:22,885
The power to enslave
the mind of every being in the universe. [laughs]
525
00:22:22,885 --> 00:22:27,390
And undoubtedly,
this priceless weapon is being held
526
00:22:27,390 --> 00:22:31,227
in an impenetrable fortress,
527
00:22:31,227 --> 00:22:36,065
under the protection
of its sector's most supreme beings.
528
00:22:36,065 --> 00:22:39,485
We must prepare
for all-out war! [laughs evilly]
529
00:22:39,485 --> 00:22:42,155
[choir] ♪ All out... ♪
530
00:22:42,155 --> 00:22:44,240
[rock music playing]
531
00:22:44,290 --> 00:22:48,840
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