All language subtitles for Couples.Retreat.2009.WEBRip-HBOGO

What was that?

Honey, are the kids up?

What are they doing?

I peed.

Kevin peed the bed.

Our bed?

All five hundred thread counts
of Egyptian cotton.

- I'm sorry.
- You're sorry?

I don't want you to worry
about it, buddy.

It'll happen again your freshman
year of college, trust me.

No more sodas before bed!

- Sit down here.
- But I like soda.

How you doing, big guy? Good morning.

Let's have a big morning!

Let's start off with a little
breakfast, get our Froot Loops.

Here's Daddy's coffee.
And I need it.

Here's your bowl of fruit,
without the loops.

- Why no loop?
- Daddy doesn't need loops.

I gotta eat it.
If I eat a big meal now...

then I can watch what I eat later.

Otherwise, I'll get starved
and raid the refrigerator.

We've got to hurry up,
'cause we got to go to hockey.

I thought you could do that
because I might try...

to get a little bit of work
done today.

Honey, we have to go by the showroom
and pick out the tile.

I want you to see it.
We talked about this last week...

and I told you how important
today was for me.

Okay, guys, let's keep it down.

Keep the eyes on the screen.

- You guys doing good?
- Yes.

- Honey? What do you think?
- Yeah.

Nickel, brushed nickel,
chrome or brushed chrome?

I like the silver ones.

They're all silver.

Well, great. Pick out whichever
knob that you like, then.

No, I'm not gonna pick
whichever knob I like...

because you know what's gonna
happen?

Is that I'm gonna pick one
and then you're gonna complain...

once they're in
and then it'll be too late.

- Hello?
- Dave, where the heck have you been?

I'm picking out pulls. Why have
you been calling me nonstop?

Well, you know how my credit's
all screwed up because of my wife?

But you're divorced.

I need you to cosign
for my motorcycle.

What motorcycle?
I'm buying a motorcycle.

Shane, you have no money.

Why in the world would you be buying
a motorcycle that you can't afford?

Dave, you're white.
You can't understand this.

This is something different.

Don't play the race card
with me, Froot Loop.

I'll take him in.
You stay with Kevin, okay?

Okay. Alright, go ahead.

Have fun, champ. Go get 'em, buddy.

You should see this thing.

It's awesome. Even Trudy loves it.

- Who's Trudy?
- That's my girlfriend.

- Girl from the mall?
- She's twenty years old, Dave.

Let's go. Let's move it.
I got bikes to move.

Listen, Shane. You're not buying some
twenty-year-old broad a motorcycle.

I'm not buying her anything,
it's for me!

Daddy, what's taking so long?

Hey, baby, I'm on the phone...

and I would prefer it
if you didn't call me that in public.

But I call all my boyfriends Daddy!

Dave, you gotta do this for me.

Why don't you just lease it?

No, she'll know.

Who will know? She's a kid.

Buy her a Hello Kitty book.

Get her an assignment notebook
and put rainbow stickers in it.

You don't have to buy
her a motorcycle.

Did you or did you not say,
"Move on"?

I told you to try to work it out.

Joey's the one
who told you to move on.

Can you give me a minute?

Try to make it fast, Daddy.

Dave, I'm hurting.

I would love for my wife
to come back.

But we know that's not gonna happen.

It's nice to feel appreciated.

I need this for me.

Fine. Just text me the address. Okay?

Pick out a helmet, baby!

Daddy!

So, honey, this is the tile.

It's all gonna happen at once
and I really need you to dial in.

- Sweetheart, I'll help you.
- I want a sugar cone.

I'm gonna hit you
after this, buddy. Okay.

Honey, you work from 8.00 to 8.00.
You're not gonna be helping anyone.

- Hang on, honey, okay?
- It's just really busy right now...

because the video game
ships this month.

Now that I have you,
I just want you to dial in...

and tell me what you really think.

- It's fine.
- Do you love it?

As much as I can love tile,
I love this tile.

Okay, good,
'cause it's a thousand dollars.

Really?

- Is that installed?
- Nope, just the tile.

Well, what is it made out of?
Whale tusks?

No, it's not made out of whale tusks.

This is so boring.

Give me just one second.
Let me just grab this.

- Honey? We have to do this today.
- Hello, Joey?

- Yeah, hey.
- Just one second, that's it.

What are you doing
about the Jason thing?

If it's Joey, can you ask him
if he's coming to the party?

Are you coming
to the party on Sunday?

Yeah, I'll be there.

Yeah, he's coming, alright?
Give me one second.

- Stay with Mom.
- One second.

Jason's gonna be
calling you, alright?

He's got another one
of his PowerPoint deals that...

Hold on one second. Hello?

Hey, Dave, it's Jason.

Listen, I'd love to put something
on the books with you and Ronnie.

Are you gonna make it
to Kevin's birthday on Sunday?

Yes, I am. Now, listen,
I was hoping...

that you guys would
come down here to the firm...

because Cynthia and I have
a PowerPoint presentation

that would just play gangbusters
in the conference room.

Okay, hold on one second.
It's ringing.

Hello? Why'd you hang up on me?

I didn't hang up on you.
You're on hold.

He's trying to get me to see
another one of his PowerPoint things.

That stuff creeps me out.

It's just how he communicates.
You know, he's overly efficient.

Well, I don't like
hearing about ball cancer...

let alone looking at diagrams.

- Joey, he was scared.
- Tell him I'm not going.

I ain't telling him you're not going.

You know, I got him on other line.
You can tell him yourself. Hold on.

I don't want to...

- Hello, Jason?
- Yeah. I got Joey on the line.

Hey, Joey, I've left you...

a bunch of voice mail messages
all morning. Where are you?

Listen, I can't make it.

Well, we haven't even
set a time yet, you know.

If you'd listened to the voice mail
you'd know that...

this is just a feeler call to check
your temperature on schedule.

I'm not sitting through another
slide show about ball cancer.

Listen, pal, I'm alive today because
of early detection, alright?

Is this about ball cancer?
Cause I'm not into that, either.

I'm gonna wrap this up right now.

No, it's not about
testicular cancer, Dave.

And if you two refuse to check
your scrotums for hardened nodules...

I certainly can't force you, can l?

Look, I gotta go, alright? Bye.

Dave, are you still there?

Hello, Dave?

Kevin, that's not a real toilet!

Sweetheart, he's pissing
in the middle of the whole thing!

Buddy, I gotta go.

Cynthia and I are willing to offer
you a life-changing opportunity.

Jason, you don't understand.
My son is literally peeing...

right in the middle of the store.
I gotta go.

But that's not a real toilet there.

It looks like a real toilet to me.

Yeah, it looks real. Okay.

That's a whole other conversation.

- You feel better?
- Yep.

Okay, let's button those up.
You want me to get those for you?

Yep.

There's not a lot to say.

Sorry about that.

Mom, Dad's home.

Hi, hon.

Hey, how was your day?

Usual. Yours?

Good.

Okay, love you. Bye.

Whoa! Wait a second.

- You're going out?
- Yeah, I'm going out.

What are you wearing?

- Shorts.
- Shorts?

That's a Maxi Pad.

Dad, they're designer shorts.
They're French. Goodbye.

Could you just come over here?
Sit down for a second.

I don't have time for this.

- Come here. Sit down.
- No, I'm...

I'm late and they're waiting for me.

But you still live in my house
for another few months, okay?

Yeah, I know. Now when you dress
like that, you send signals.

You know what kind
of guy you attract like that?

You attract the guy with the...

With his pants around
his ass at the mall.

- No, I don't!
- Yes, you do.

Sweetheart, he is right.

Lacey, I'm saying you're beautiful.

You're smart. You're a good person.
You just got accepted into Stanford.

We're so proud of you.

I'm just saying
know your value, okay?

And if a guy doesn't see that,
he doesn't deserve you.

No, and you don't want to be
with those guys, honey.

Okay, then I'll go change.

Thank you.

And could you change the pictures
on your Facebook page?

- Dad.
- It's just 'cause we love you.

Love me less.

I don't want any bikini
pictures on the Internet!

When you're living in my house,
you're a Taliban!

Okay? You keep your body a secret.

Except you get to, you know,
go to school and read books.

Did you send the tuition check?

You said you were going to.

Please. Don't start this again.

Yeah, I didn't start with it.
You just brought it up.

- You're supposed to send the check.
- You said you were gonna do it.

You never do anything
you say you're gonna do.

Eighteen years. Just try to hold it
together for another couple months.

Trust me, I'm counting the days.

Do that hurt, Daddy,
or do that feel good?

It's both. It hurt and it feel good.

Bang, bang.

Did you put in the wide beauty shots?

- Yeah.
- Are you sure?

Why would you ask me that?
You know I triple-check everything.

Yeah, no, I know. It's just,
you know, super-important, okay?

We only get one shot at it.

It'd just be nice if you could
show me a little bit of trust.

I do. Come on, I do. I just want
this to be perfect, that's all.

It's not about trust. Come on.

I want it to be perfect, too.

Good.

- How old is she?
- I think she's 20.

He met her at the mall.
She was working at Foot Locker.

He was so in love with Jennifer.

I am shocked he met
someone so quickly.

I know. I was hoping
they were just taking a break.

I haven't even heard
from her since they split up.

I think he got us in the divorce.

You want more wine?

Cynthia, it's time. We're all
set up in the bedroom. Ladies?

- You're kidding, right?
- No, it's easy.

We brought our own screen.

You can't do it right now.

We're in the middle
of my son's birthday party.

It won't take long and I know
you're gonna be really excited.

Bring your booze.

Okay, then.

We're taking the wine.

Watch this, guys. Watch.
This is a really spooky ball.

Just, could you please
put the ball cancer video on?

I'm trying, Joey.

Please. I don't want to watch
that ball cancer video.

- Where's Trudy?
- Oh, she's watching the magician.

Well, there it is. Okay.

This is not a video
and it is not about ball cancer.

Thank God. That's a first.

Jason and I are seriously
considering getting a divorce.

Okay? So...

it's no secret that Cynthia and I
have had our problems...

trying to conceive
over the last twelve months.

That's no reason to get a divorce.

- No.
- We know.

Of course not. But...

suffice it to say, it's been
more than taxing on both of us...

and it's forced us to question
our entire relationship.

You two are perfect for each other.

We're just not so sure
about that anymore.

We're not in a good place.

Now, this is not a decision
that we're taking lightly.

Cynthia and I have been
together for eight long years.

And if it's not meant to be...

we just don't want to waste
any more of each other's time.

Yeah. Because,
if we do get divorced...

it will take at least six months...

to go through
the five stages of grief.

For the sake of argument...

let's optimistically assume it takes
six months to find compatible mates.

Tack on another
twelve months for courtship...

an additional six months
for attempting procreation.

You can see how this starts
to stack up.

Sounds like you guys are really
working from the heart on this one.

Well, we're lost, Dave,
and so what we need to do...

is we need to take the next two weeks
and we need to find out...

whether we're gonna push forward,
or whether we're gonna fold up shop.

And that is why we are going
to go here.

You're on, Cyn.

Welcome to Eden. Okay?
The ultimate playground for couples.

It's got fun, it's got sun.
It's Disneyland for adults.

God. That is amazing.

Yeah, you guys
are gonna have a blast.

Actually, we have found
a great group rate.

Oh, there's the fine print.

No, now, Joey, you know, just...

The embarrassing fact is that,
you know...

Cynthia and I can't afford
to go to this place by ourselves...

but if all of us go together...

it's half-price.

It's called the Pelican Package.

Okay? It's six nights seven days
and it's all inclusive.

And there are quite a few activities
you can choose from.

Who here likes to eat?

- I know you guys do.
- I sure do.

- Right?
- Boom!

Why not do it
at a four-star restaurant?

You guys, it has
a state-of-the-art spa.

They've got your kayaking,
they've got your windsurfing...

they've got your canoeing,
they've got your jet skiing.

It's got Couples Skill Building
and snorkeling...

Whoa. Back up.

What was that last thing?

- Snorkeling?
- No.

Before snorkeling
and after jet skiing, you said...

"Couples Skill Building."

That sounds like therapy to me.

- See, that's gonna be a problem.
- We don't believe in therapy.

Hell to the no.

And then you don't have to do it.

That's the great thing about
the Pelican Package, you guys.

It really includes everything.

Obviously, Jason
and I want to partake...

in the Couples Skill Building...

but you guys can
just do the fun stuff.

So what are we asking?

We're asking for you guys
to fly to paradise...

and have an awesome time, okay?

I mean, this... Come on,
it would be a blast.

Jason, I got a job
and with everything...

that's going on with the house
and with the kids right now...

it would be impossible
for us to leave them.

Yeah, we can't.

When was the last time
you two took a vacation?

I mean, don't you want to go
to this island and have fun...

together, as a couple?

What kind of question is that?

That's like asking Richard Simmons...

would he rather stuff his face
or skip around to the oldies.

Of course he'd rather stuff
his face, but he can't...

'cause he's got to stay thin...

So he can get up and
do his thing and make videos.

Maybe he needs the money.
Maybe he's got a gambling problem!

I don't know what goes
on in that dude's head!

And I'd love to go to that island,
but I can't, either.

Not 'cause I got to make videos like
Rich, but I got other obligations.

Listen, I can really appreciate
the situation that you guys are in.

Right, well, we need
to know by midnight.

We've been on the wait list forever
and these slots just opened up.

We'd need to leave next week.

Next week?

That's right.

What happened to spontaneity?
What happened to fun?

I don't know. Why don't we have
a PowerPoint presentation...

on spontaneity and fun
and figure that one out?

Look, Cynthia and I
need this trip, okay?

I mean, really.
You know, the problem is...

you know, we've stopped having fun...

and we're not even sure
we know how to anymore, okay?

So, what we need to find out
is can we get back to the place...

where we really enjoy
each other, you know?

Can we get back to the place of,
you know, being in love?

Cynthia's IM-ing me.

Jason was IM-ing me all night.

What'd you tell him?

I logged off.

The place did look beautiful.
You know what it made me think?

It'd kind of be like we got to
take our honeymoon, finally.

God, yeah.

That'd be great.

Really?

Yeah.

Don't you think? I mean,
maybe it's a girl thing.

When you're a little girl
you dream about...

your wedding and your honeymoon...

You know.

I was pretty lucky
to get that job right away.

Yeah, of course.

I mean, I can't even imagine...

Living in your dad's basement
any longer? No.

It's funny how time goes so fast.

That doesn't seem that long ago.

No.

Seems like we just had
so much going on...

and we have ever since...

maybe the thing
to do is just really...

buckle down over
these next six months...

and then when we come up
for air, we'll go somewhere.

That sounds like a plan.

Dave? Did you hear that?

Go back to bed, honey.

What's going on?

I think there's someone outside.

Okay, I'll check it out.

Honey, be careful.

Freeze! Do not move!

No, it's me! It's Jason!

- What's going on?
- It's fine, honey, it's Jason.

- Hello!
- Why didn't you call?

Didn't want to wake you up.
Sorry, blew that. Back to bed.

Are you crazy? I could've
blown your head off!

What does that say about you?

Rapists don't gently toss
pebbles at the window, Dave.

Wait, can you let me figure it out,
please? There's too much going on.

Turn it off!

It costs money every
time this thing goes off.

Hello? Yeah, everything's fine.
I'm sorry.

The password is
"ass-tastic." That's right.

"Ass-tastic." One word.
"Ass-tastic."

Ass-tastic. It's A-S-S-T-A-S-T-I-C.
Okay? Ass-tastic.

That's right, it's... okay.
Yeah. No, thank you. We're fine.

Yes, thank you.

Didn't want to go
with the pet's name?

What are you doing here, dude?

What do you think I'm doing here?

Jas, you're showing up to my house
in the middle of the night.

You're breaking and entering.
You're on tilt.

Yeah, I know, I'm losing my mind.

This, the whole fertility doctor
thing is just an absolute disaster.

We don't communicate anymore.
We're fighting all the time.

The only time we have sex is...

you know, when she's ovulating
and even then...

it's cold. It's emotionless.
It's... I don't know.

Like an oil derrick.

We used to be
very spontaneous at that.

Now, it's... I don't know.

Twice a week, tops.

That's a lot.

Is it? How often do you do it?

It's different now, 'cause
we got the kids, so...

So?

Well, my son falls
asleep in the bed with us.

That shouldn't stop you.

That's disgusting.

I'm not saying
he should tickle your balls.

Just move him into his room
when he falls asleep.

Jason. I can really appreciate
what you're going through...

but, man, this couldn't
come at a worse time.

There's just no way
that we can pull away...

from everything and go right now.

I'm sorry, but there's just
no way we can go on the trip.

I'm just scared, you know.
Just scared.

You know, my whole life,
everything I've known about it...

for the last eight years
might be over...

and, you know,
I'm prepared to face that...

you know, if it's for the best.

If, you know. If it's not
there anymore, then, you know...

I'll face it. I don't want to
do that alone.

And I know that Cynthia
doesn't want to do that alone.

You know, we'd just love
to have our friends there.

You know that if you go,
everyone else will go.

And I have never
asked you for anything.

But I am asking you for this, Dave.

Daddy?

Hey, guys, the alarm
was just an accident.

You can go back to bed.
It's just Uncle Jason.

Okay, guys. It's fine.
Let me take you back to bed.

We want you to go on your trip.

We heard you talking at the party...

and you said you couldn't go
because of us.

We don't want you guys
to get a divorce.

- What?
- What are you talking about, honey?

We're not getting a divorce.

But we just want you to be happy.

Guys, we are happy.

We're very happy, honey.

Were you guys listening
to Uncle Jason's slide show?

Thank you, buddy. That's great.

That was adult time.

And why do you think
they were listening, Jason?

I'm sorry about that.

We want you to go, so we called
Grandpa to come take care of us.

You called Grandpa?

You called him tonight?
It's a three-hour drive.

Grandpa's coming to babysit us.

Is Grandpa driving down here now?

Yay! Grandpa Jim Jim's here!

You know, this has gotten
way out of hand.

I'm sorry. I just wanted five minutes
of your time. I'm so sorry.

You got kids, you got guns,
you got grandpas that, you know...

You got to explain infertility
and divorce and all that...

and so you got a lot
of parenting to do tonight.

I'm gonna go. I'm gonna
let myself out right here.

I will, however,
take the fact that...

Grandpa Jim Jim's at the front door
as a firm, tentative yes.

Pack lots of shorts.
It's really hot there.

You're gonna sweat your bag off.
Night-night, kids!

Hi. Welcome.

Thank you.

This place is beautiful.

Look. Hi, hello.

Holy shit, this looks like
a screen saver!

Seems like he might be kind
of the guy. Come on, gang.

Hi, we are the Smith party.
Party of eight.

- Eight for Smith.
- Jason Smith?

That's me.

Welcome to Eden.

My name is Sctanley.
Spelled with a "C".

I will be escorting you
to the Eden West resort.

Please, step aboard our shuttle.

No need to take your bags. They will
be waiting for you in your villas.

Bang bang!

Excuse me. Sorry. Is this
the shuttle for the Eden resort?

Oh, yeah, that's the shuttle.

Raq, she's still a little
buzzed from the flight.

Oh man, totally. Me, too.
I don't even know what I'm doing.

Excuse me. What name are
your reservations booked under?

The San Diego Dance Academy.

Wow.

You ladies are actually travelling
on this shuttle, to Eden East.

Bummer. Bye.

See you. Bye.

Bye.

Would you care to join your wife?

Let's do it. Shall we?

Are they going some place else?

Eden East.
It is an entirely different resort.

And the luggage is already in there?

Yeah. This is yours.

- Unbelievable.
- The 101.

And we can jump right
out into this here?

You can do whatever you like.

- Wow.
- Look at the water.

- Please.
- Thank you.

Wow.

- I'm gonna check the bedroom.
- Okay, baby.

Look at this, baby.

Oh, my God. Look at this.

Welcome to your villa.

It keeps getting better.

It's like a little love hut.

- Wow.
- This is insane!

Honey, they got fish that you
can see here through the floor!

Baby, they got a hole
where you can see the fish!

Yeah, they got fish
in here, too, baby!

Jason, this is dreamy.

Baby, you can jump right
in the ocean on this thing...

and they got a hot tub on the deck!

They got the ocean
and they got the hot tub!

You can dive in the ocean
and you got a hot tub!

Yeah, they got a hot tub
in here, too!

Oh my God. Yo, I gotta
take a picture of this.

- Did I tell you? Did I deliver?
- Oh, my God.

She ain't never seen
nothing like this.

- I roll like this!
- Shit, yeah!

I'm glad you like, sir.

I be rolling like this.

So what goes on over there?
I hear there's music.

Is a party for single
woman and men, sir.

- Yes.
- How do l get over there?

No, you cannot. You can
take the boat if you want...

- but not for you.
- Okay, when's the boat?

- Not for me.
- No, because you got married here...

the west coast to Eden Resort
so that's why you must keep here.

I don't understand what you're
saying. You sound like Chewbacca.

Well, my instinct is
to stay married to her...

but what do you think I should do?

I mean, do you get a good vibe
from us or not-so-good vibe?

- I don't know, sir.
- What about this room in particular?

You've checked a lot
of people into this room...

and checked a lot of people out.

Do they usually leave
happier or less happy?

I really don't know, sir.

How do I get over to the party?

By boat or by taxi boat.

Okay. I'd like to arrange
a boat or a taxi boat.

No, it's not possible for you.

Must to stay here with your wife.

Okay, so how do I...

Fish!

Hello.

- Where's the television?
- The main house.

- There's no TV in the room?
- No, not possible.

But it's the playoffs.

As an alternative to television...

might I recommend a stroll
to the hidden waterfall?

Might you recommend
putting honey in my ears...

and having me fall asleep
on an anthill?

It's the playoffs.

Honey, the waterfall sounds
amazing. A little romance.

You'll find that the Eden program
creates a palace of solitude...

if you just give yourself over to it.

How's the cell service here?

Monsieur Marcel believes
that technology is a distraction.

Well, how about tipping,
would that be a distraction?

I'm kidding you.

Tipping is not permitted,
nor is money of any kind.

Everything here in Eden is free.

- Really?
- We do, however, accept smiles.

Did you guys hear
what they have in the spa?

With the snow?

Did you know that they have a steam,
a rain, and a snow room here?

It's a new European spa.

What's a wahoo?

It's a fish.

I don't eat fish.

It's out of this world.
They catch it right here.

I used to work at Red Lobster...

so I know what they do
with them fish in the kitchen.

Baby this isn't like the Red Lobster.
It's a four-star restaurant.

I don't give a shit! It's still
Mexicans cooking that shit...

and I know what they do to it!

I'm one-twelfth Latina and even if
I wasn't, I'm hundred percent human.

So, I don't appreciate
comments like that.

I don't make fun of
tu la raza, so porfavor...

please, don't make fun
of mi la raza...

Oh, I'm sorry, boo.
I didn't mean no disrespect.

Yo, I was with mad Mexicans
before Shane, anyway.

Good evening.
I trust you're all settled in.

Hey, my main man!

Are you in the mood
to accept some smiles?

'Cause this spread is phenomenal.

Why don't you join us for a
drink? You want to pull up a chair?

We'll order some shots.

You might want to go easy on those.
You have an early morning.

Quite the contrary.
I don't have an early morning...

'cause I tell you
what's gonna go down tonight.

I am going to get just
a little bit tipsy.

And then I'm gonna go ahead
and stuff my face...

on the Seafood Tower, and I plan
on shutting it down in a big way.

L, if everything goes well,
will be in my room...

passed out on my face,
come lunch-ski.

Well, I'm afraid that isn't going
to be possible.

I'm here to present you
with your itinerary.

Fantastic. You guys hear that?

This is a hard copy thing, too.

This isn't like a piece
of paper with an itinerary.

This is like a book.

Thanks.

And the journey begins.

Couples Skill Building at 6.00am?

Yeah, see, I was
planning on sleeping in...

and then maybe hitting the jet skis.

That is not part of your immediate
program here at Eden West.

But it was in the slide show.

That would be more
appropriate at the Eden East.

- What's Eden East?
- The singles' resort.

Singles' resort?

Here at the Eden West,
our focus is on renewing bonds...

and nurturing neglected partnerships.

And what's your focus over there?

Sex, mostly.

Freeing inhibitions.

I'm sure if we play
our cards right...

we'll be having plenty
of sex here on our side.

Am I wrong, gang?

I spent three years
of therapy with Jennifer...

talking about our feelings
and our problems...

trying to hold onto our marriage.

The last thing I want to do is talk.

Look, I think there's been
a misunderstanding here.

See, we signed up
for the fun stuff...

with the touchy-feely
shit being optional.

- Thank you.
- I think it's called...

- the Pelican Package.
- Yes, the Pelican Package...

which is monsieur
Marcel's signature course.

Great.

A healthy combination
of couple-friendly activities...

- ample down time...
- That's the one.

Sprinkled in with some
Couples Skill Building courses...

designed to reignite
the dimming flames of...

even the most
mismanaged relationships.

Okay, see, these relationships
are not mismanaged.

- Well, thank you, Dave.
- I'm just saying...

we're here to have some fun...

so we are excited about
the couples' activities...

as well as some down time.

It's the flame-lighting thing
that does not have us inspired.

That's more suited for
this particular couple here.

I don't think you're
quite understanding me.

Monsieur Marcel's Pelican Package...

is not a fast-food restaurant
wherein...

you pick what you want from a menu.

Monsieur Marcel is
the single most-recognized...

couples whisperer
in the entire world.

Couple whisperer?

He has studied
psychology, yoga, tai-chi...

The Art of War, and combined
them to form this place, Eden.

The Mecca for couples.

He has designed a program
specifically for you.

You either partake of the entire meal
or have none of it.

I think you're being a little
extreme here, Mr. Belvedere.

We have a very long waiting list.

If there's been some
kind of misunderstanding...

I'd be happy to refund your money,
and you can go on your way.

We will, however, not be able
to refund your airfare.

No, it's just that we were excited...

about the sightseeing
and the hiking...

and the jet skiing
and the snorkeling.

Well, there are plenty of places...

that provide those activities.

Perhaps this troupe
might be more comfortable...

at a Sandals or a Club Med.

This here is monsieur Marcel's Eden.

Now, if you're not at
Couples Skill Building by 6.00am...

I'll take that as you want
your refund...

and will not be completing
the program.

Screw him! Where does he get
the ass to run down Sandals?

Sandals rocks.

It's just one little thing
we have to do.

It'll be over in few hours and then,
we have fun the rest of the day.

You know, let's just
not forget why we came.

This is not what we signed up for!

I don't remember ever
seeing mandatory...

but, listen, we just go with it.

Now we're on Han's Island about
to do the thing with Bruce Lee.

Guys, I don't think
there's any reason to overreact...

right off the bat, okay?

Obviously, the meal is included...

from what he said,
so let's just sit here...

we'll weigh the pros and cons from
a calm place, we'll make a decision.

That was amazing.

Oh, might have been
the best meal I've ever had.

Well, could be a full week of those.

- What are you doing?
- Your last course.

Dessert.

It is so beautiful here. I can't
wait to go see that waterfall.

The weather is perfect, we got huts
on the water and now I am eating art.

So we give up a little bit
of our day to talk about feelings.

How bad can it really be, right?

Welcome to Eden Resort.

I am Marcel.

- Hi.
- Morning.

I know why you are all here.

You are here to seek the answer...

to the most commonly
asked question by all...

how do we make it work?

How?

I have laid out
a personalized program...

designed to challenge you all...

both as couples and as individuals.

If you follow
diligently my program...

the answer to this question
will be revealed to you...

as well as your inner animal spirit.

This I promise.

I do not, however, promise that
you and your chosen partner...

will have what it takes
to sustain it.

Please, line up on the beach.

Take your places.

Out here?

Men on one line, facing the ocean.

Women, back to the water.

Now remove your mask.

Undress!

Oh. Alright.

It's a freeing exercise.

This is starting to
get a little creepy now.

It'd mean a lot to me if you"d just
take your pants off, alright, Dave?

Is that why you brought me here?

What is this?

You must undress, my friend.

I'm afraid that's not a option
for me today, you know, man.

It's the program.

Right. I don't have any
drawers, though.

Sctanley said he had...

this conversation
with you last night.

Now, if you've chosen to stay,
you've chosen to participate.

Now, if you're not wearing
any drawers...

then, hey, that was meant to be.

Let it all hang out.

Explore. Explore with your eyes.

Explore your mate.

We are all made in God's image.

That means we are all perfect.

Stand with pride.
Look closer. Own your bodies.

And now, tell your partner
a truth. A beautiful truth.

You look like the earth.

What?

Why are you listening
to what I'm saying?

Why don't you have
your own conversation?

It's hard to have my own conversation
when you're telling Cynthia...

that she looks like the earth.

- Did you hear what I said?
- Yeah. I'm not really sure...

- I like that one.
- Well, I just mean that, you know...

you look bountiful. Okay?

Fruitful. Fertile.

Okay. Now this is getting
uncomfortable.

Please, make a palace of solitude
between you and your partner.

Why are you wearing trousers?

I explained
to the guy in the dress...

that I didn't have any drawers on.

Yes, but this exercise
is about owning your body.

What is your name, dear?

- Trudy.
- Trudy. What a beautiful name.

Please, tell him
that you love his body.

- For real?
- Yes.

I love your body.

- Really?
- Of course! So powerful, so strong.

Powerful frame with layer upon
layer of dormant, relaxed muscle...

waiting, like a panther,
to pounce on its quivering prey.

Please, take off his pants.

I'm not ready to pounce today.

- Yes.
- I don't have any drawers.

No. Right here, baby.

- It's okay.
- Hair!

- Sorry, I'm sorry.
- Careful.

Here it comes.

Wonderful! Stare at it!
Stare at all of it.

- Is his junk out?
- Yep.

Is his junk literally
out of his pants?

- Yep.
- Now it's a party.

How would you describe
your relationship?

- Average. Great, yeah.
- Average.

I mean, yeah.

And, to clarify, what is
an "average, great" relationship?

Well, we make it through
things pretty good together.

You know, we have two great kids.

No one's called 911 in
the middle of the night.

Like there's not domestic
violence. Yeah.

Ronnie, when you say you
"make it through things together..."

what do you mean?

Well, you know,
the usual stuff. Work, kids.

I'm much less interested
in "the usual stuff..."

and much more interested
in your particular stuff.

So, what do you make it
through together, specifically?

Well, right now, specifically...

Dave is dealing
with his new launch...

of his video game, Guitar Hero.

He sells Guitar Hero.

And I'm dealing with the renovations.

That's interesting.

What's interesting?

Why do you keep writing stuff
down on your little pad there?

Oh, I'm taking notes.

Would it make you more
comfortable if I didn't take notes?

Yeah, actually, it would
make me more comfortable.

- Thank you.
- That's interesting.

So we want to make the most
of our time here on the island...

so what we did was we put together
a little informational packet...

to bring you up to speed
on our relationship.

Go ahead. That's for you.

It just contains
pertinent medical data...

family histories, you know,
stuff like that.

Everything but a mix tape.

How would you
characterize your marriage?

Perfect.

Fantastic.

Well, let's start with
something easy, then.

What's your favorite
thing about your partner?

She's a good mom.

He really is a great dad.

And where did you meet?

School.

- High school.
- High school. Yeah.

She was a cheerleader.
I was on the football team. Fullback.

I coach now, but I used to play.

And we actually had our daughter.
We...

On prom night, we conceived Lacey...

and it was a little confusing
at the time but it's been a blessing.

It's been the best thing
that's ever happened to us.

It's been the best thing
that ever happened to us.

We did the right thing.

How often do you have sex?

She wants me to be tougher,
screw harder.

Work less, but bring home more.

I can't keep this shit straight.

All I know is, whatever I do,
it's not good enough.

It's over.

Then why are you here?

This is not my wife. This is Trudy.
I met her a couple weeks ago.

Can we go boogie boarding now?

And once people knew
what we were going through...

I think my cortisol levels
just shot up through the roof.

Because it's difficult
to go through...

a very private struggle publicly.

I heard what you think..

But you know
what I'm really interested in...

is hearing about how you feel.

Just tell her how you feel.

Well, I think if you
looked at everything that...

No. Just. Don't explain
intellectually how you feel.

You know, just tell her
how you feel. In one word.

Sure.

Angry.

Cynthia?

- Judged.
- Very good.

- Yes?
- Progress.

Excited.

Relieved.

- That is it.
- Yeah.

We're awesome at feelings!

Okay. Nice job today, guys.

- That's all for today?
- Great job. That's all for today.

- Alright, well, great.
- Yeah.

How did we do? Did we do good?

I mean, are we gonna make it?

Well, you know, it's just
our first session, you know.

We're not looking for an end
result here. It's not a competition.

I get all that, but have you seen
couples that are worse off than us?

Yeah. Or are we that far gone?

Are you gonna put
like a numerical value on it?

You know, Doc? Like a one to ten?

One being worst, ten being best?

Hang on one second.
Where would you put us?

Right where you are, sir.

What if someone put a gun
to your head right now and said...

"You have to answer
this second or I'll shoot.

"Are they gonna make it?"
What do you say?

- What would you say?
- Whoa!

Okay, no one has a gun
to my head, Mr. Smith.

- It's hypothetical.
- It's not a place...

for inappropriate behavior.

And you definitely don't pull
a hypothetical gun on your therapist.

- Sorry.
- It's okay.

Let's clear the karma. Okay?

I'll holster this.

See, you know,
I work ten hours a day...

so by the time I come home,
I'm exhausted.

It's not that I don't want to answer
questions about the house renovation.

I really just don't want to
answer questions about anything.

But, you know, you may just
be shutting your mind off...

but it can feel like you're
shutting your partner off as well.

Again, that's a caution area.

And just as a point of interest,
when you speak that way, David...

you're really
de-prioritizing your teammate.

Excuse me?

It's called
"crossing emotional boundaries."

Or, more commonly, "bulldozing."

And it's ugly.

Ronnie, when you spoke earlier of...
Let me just find it in my notes here.

There it is. You said, "We make
it through things well together."

That doesn't sound very fun.

You don't want to look back
and say, "I made it through my life."

We want to enjoy our projects,
enjoy our work week.

We want to enjoy our lives,
celebrate our lives.

And all this talk about my project...

and his work,
and my this and his that...

and mine and his, and mine. It's...

Where's us in all that?

Where's our journey? I don't hear it.

And it's because it's not there.

Listen. I'm not saying
that there's not...

some really stressful
times sometimes...

because there is,
but it works for us.

Does it?

I don't know.

Oh, gosh, I don't know, you guys.

There's no "us". There's no "we".
You two could be perfect strangers.

I think the one thing
that we can agree on, today...

is that you guys should be doing
a lot better than just "works".

Pretty sure that's why you're here.

Oh. That's it. Great job,
everybody. Thank you.

Lucy?

Good day, sir. I got room service
for you. I'm very sorry.

- I didn't order that.
- I think your wife...

she called me for you.

This is just
because I got a sunburn...

'cause it was the sun
was very strong today.

Yeah. I know. This is
good for sunburns, right?

- Okay.
- It's good, yeah?

It's good for sunburn?

Okay, so I don't see anything.

- See what? There's nothing to see.
- Yeah, no. It works great.

- Okay, I move now.
- No. That was...

There's nothing to move.
I had a sunburn.

Good night, sir.

Now we will enjoy
looking at the fish!

See and take in with your eyes...

all the beauty the ocean
has to offer!

As these new things come at you...

you may not have seen them before...

but be open to them
and find the beauty within.

- Hey, buddy.
- Yep.

Thanks a lot for bringing
me to Problem Island.

What are we gonna do for an encore?

Talk about all the people that we
slept with before we were married...

and really stir shit up?

What the hell are you talking about?

The therapist is trying
to create a problem...

in my marriage that doesn't exist!

Maybe he's not creating them,
maybe he's just noticing them.

Okay, you know what?
Don't start with me.

- I'm serious. I don't need it.
- These are the best in the world...

at what they do, alright?

If Jeff Gordon told you
that your oil was low...

you might want to think
about changing it.

From the bucket, feed them!

My therapist is kind of pushy.

- Really?
- Yeah.

God, I like ours.

Yeah, he said that Dave and I
take each other for granted.

That, you know, our relationship
has become more like a job.

How do you mean?

For example, he says that
Dave is de-prioritizing me...

that he doesn't pay attention
to what I actually want.

Yeah, but, honey, that's just
Dave being Dave, you know?

Yeah.

But so then, what if Dave
being Dave is sort of like...

Dave bulldozing me?

Please continue to look at the fish!

Enjoy them as they come at you!

I get it, dude,
it's advanced snorkeling.

Hey, I'm trying to do this exercise!

Why don't we talk about
this during down time, okay?

This might be what the therapist
is referring to.

You're missing out on life.

It's happening right now,
out here, all around us, alright?

And you're too busy
complaining about your problems...

to enjoy all these beautiful
little fish that are...

- Marcel!
- Yes?

Marcel, we have a real problem here!

It is not a problem!
It is a circle of life!

The circle of life is
circling our lives right now!

Do not move, do not panic.

- Shark!
- What?

- Shark!
- Jason!

Okay, it's all happening, Marcel!

Oh, my God.

Don't worry!

These are only lemon sharks!

This is all part of the course.

It is like life.
Like in relationships.

They will not attack
unless they feel attacked!

Marcel, I need you to take
the French out of your mouth..

And tell me what to do!

Don't let them see your fear.

Okay, I think we just hold tight,
we play it cool...

we don't make a move.

- What was that?
- What?

- What was that?
- Jason, stop...

He said not to panic!

I'm sitting in blood!

Marcel, this isn't a drill, buddy!

You got real sharks here!
It's time to get the guns...

and it's time to shoot some fish!

Here on Eden, there are no guns!

You got an American life at stake.

One life is not more
important than another.

What do I do?

My friends and my wife
left me to die.

You must get out of the chum,
but slowly.

- Okay.
- Swim slowly out of the chum!

Slowly. Yes.

Stop!

I don't know what to do.

I don't know if I'm standing
still or I'm swimming.

Swim now! Stop!

They're torturing me!
They're playing with me!

They're slow-playing me! Shoot them!

Swim slowly.

Swim.

Save yourselves!
Go to shore! It's too late!

They've got me!
It's only a matter of time!

There's no sharks around you, honey.
You're safe now, baby.

I don't know what's going through
my mind! I'd love some ice cream.

- What?
- I'd love some ice cream...

with maybe some pecans in it!

Couples massage is part
of your program and so important.

It gives you the chance
to bond, relax, reconnect.

We prefer to bond on our own.

Okay, would you prefer
male or female therapists?

What would you recommend
more for like a nurturing...

pampering, motherly energy?

Would that be a man
or a woman, do you think?

A woman.

Well, I'm just so tight
in my shoulders. Do you have any...

Let me see.

We do have a male
masseur available, madam.

Daddy, I can't wait to
get my drink on tonight!

Damn! Is this whole thing uphill?
Where's the downhill part?

We gonna get our groove
on tonight. Right, Daddy?

Of course, baby.
You know how we do it.

Well, hello.

Hi.

- Lucy.
- Yes.

- Excellent.
- Who are you?

I am Xavier and I will be
your man-seur for today.

- Xavier?
- Yes.

- Joey.
- Yes.

- What's your name?
- Gert.

What a beautiful name.

Well, thank you.

Do you mind if I heat up the lotion?

No. Heat that lotion up.

The hotter the better.

What kind of massage do you want?
You left it blank.

Korean?

Korean? I am not familiar
with Korean.

Dealer's choice. Whatever
releases the most tension.

Oh, that feels so good.

Thank you.

I can't tell you how much
I need this. It has been a long time.

Oh, I love pleasuring people.

So do l.

I mean, it's not my job...

but it is a job that I love doing,
if you know what I mean.

I know exactly what you mean.

So, Joey, do you have
any problem areas?

I hold a lot of tension
in my upper thighs.

We'll get to your upper thighs.

It's just the top of my quads.

As a matter of fact,
if you want to do, like...

the full eighty minutes
on the thighs, I'm good.

Whatever you want.

Oh, I need this. You have no idea.

Oh, you got great hands.

Okay, Joey, what I want you to do
for me is just close your eyes.

Quiet that mind, okay?
Just listen to my voice.

Feel the sound
slide down my throat...

and come out through my mouth.

Down my throat,
come out through my mouth.

Down my throat...

Keep going.

Sir, I'm so sorry.

No. Don't be sorry.
You shouldn't be sorry.

No, I aroused you.

You should be proud.

This hasn't happened
to me in a long time.

Are you attempting to have
a manual stimulation from me, sir?

Am I...

I am here on a couples retreat
with my wife in the other room.

My husband Scott is just like a cat.

- Scott?
- My husband.

I'm trying to save my marriage here.

Look what you did to me.

Well, that wasn't my intention, sir.

It wasn't mine, either,
and now I'm humiliated.

- Well, I'm sorry.
- You told me not to think.

Well, when I don't think,
this is what happens.

You can't leave me all
backed up like this.

What do you want me to do, sir?

I don't know. We got to
figure out a solution.

You know, let's not take
anything off the table.

Let's start brainstorming.
We're both in a maze together, okay?

How do we get the cheese?

I'm sorry, sir, but that is
not gonna have a happy ending.

Give me the oil.

Go grab a smoke.

Daddy, this is awesome!

Yo, they should put me up
in a video on this bitch!

"Don't go chasing waterfalls"

"Stick me in the ocean
I'm gonna make it look real good"

You go, girl.

Daddy's got to ice
his knee, baby, okay?

If you just let me
recharge my battery...

I promise, this'll be
more for you later, okay?

Technically, I was bit by a shark.

Were you bit or were you nipped?

I mean, if you had been bit...

you probably would have lost
a great deal of blood and...

What difference does it
make to you two, anyway...

what you would call it?

It hurt. And I had
shark teeth penetrate my skin.

And besides, Jason,
it's your fault that it happened.

The only reason I got bit
in the first place...

is because you did the worst thing...

you could possibly do
in that situation.

You panicked and you threw
a bucket of chum in my face.

I did the prudent thing
and I got the hell out of the water.

There were sharks in there,
David. What was I supposed to do?

You know what?
Remember it however you want to...

and I'll remember it
how it actually happened.

Dave. I mean, really,
did they penetrate your skin?

Do you really need that bandage?

Lucy, I don't know
what to tell you, okay?

You tell me if I need the bandage.

It looks like you scraped
yourself on the ladder...

- maybe, on the way out.
- I'm sorry?

Did you get out
of the water abruptly?

Hey, I don't know how to explain it
to you. Maybe I have tough skin.

Perhaps lemon sharks don't
leave that bad of a mark.

Maybe they're pack animals, they're
marking me for later. I don't know.

Dave, I was in
a car accident once, okay?

And it was really scary,
I had nightmares. But when...

I've been in a car accident, too.
Have you ever been bit by a shark?

I was never bit by a shark.
I'm just saying that I understand.

- Say it again.
- I was in a car accident.

No, say the last part.

- I was never bit by a shark.
- That's it!

Then you shouldn't talk about it.

And I'm not gonna sit here
and try to explain myself...

to a bunch of black
and white suburban trash...

who don't know a damn
thing about the ocean.

And you understand the ocean, honey?

I have some real field
experience, honey, yeah.

I had a shark attack.
I'm part of a very elite group.

Like people who have
been struck by lightning.

Not everyone can say
that they've had that...

and maybe that's what's going on
here today.

You know what? I don't want
to get in an argument with it.

I really don't. You know what?

I'm really exhausted.
It's been a long day.

I'm gonna go back to the room.
You want to come with me?

Baby, I thought we were gonna
go to the waterfall tonight...

and have a little alone time.

Sweetheart,
I'm a shark attack survivor.

I'm fried.

Honey, I think the fear was
a lot worse than the actual attack...

which I can totally appreciate...

but the good news
is you weren't hurt...

so let's not ruin
the evening over it.

I'm sorry?

Honey, you weren't hurt.

Good night.

- Dave!
- Where you going?

- Oh, Dave.
- Come on, you got bit by the shark.

You got bit, I believe you!

We're here all the time, so let's
take that opportunity to go to bed.

Honey, we'll go
to the waterfall with you.

We'll grab our drinks and go.

Yeah. We could all go together.
It'll be beautiful.

Hon? I was thinking that maybe...

we might go back to the room?

Bolt the door, draw the shades.

Just shut the whole world out...

sit Indian-style
and really explore our feelings.

Daddy! Wake up!

It's too deep!

Yo, you having a nightmare. You ain't
even in the water. It's night time.

Look, you said we was gonna have fun,
so let's get up, let's dance...

let's do a shot,
let's do something. Anything.

Baby, let's just go back
to the room, alright?

I don't want to go back to the room.
I don't want to go to sleep.

- We're not going to sleep.
- We're not?

What we gonna do in there?

For real?

So how was your night?

My husband found himself
in a very traumatic shark situation.

Here we go.

As we were planning
to go to the waterfall...

and have a romantic evening...

because, as you know,
we don't do that very often...

because of the kids and work...

But somehow, this crazy,
traumatic shark experience...

was enough to make him
neglect his wife.

Ronnie, nice to meet you. Well said.

- David, how did that make you feel?
- I know my truth.

- Excuse me?
- I know my truth.

Did you say, "l know my truth"?

Oh, boy.

Listen, I'm telling you,
you getting on my last nerve!

Yo, I didn't sign up for this!

Yo, you said we was gonna be dancing.

You said we was gonna be partying.

You said we was gonna
be doing what we do.

You made promises, Daddy.

Boo-Boo, look, they got me
doing a lot of activities.

What do you expect from me?
I'm tired.

You tired? Yo, I'm tired.
Plain and simple, I ain't having it.

Sometimes we forget how to do
the easiest thing in the world...

which is just to talk to each other.

Okay, let's start here.
Lucy, you go first.

I want you to look
at Joey and say hi.

And Joey, after you've heard that...

I want you to look back at Lucy
and say hello in return.

And then we'll just see
where it goes from there, okay?

Hi.

Hello.

You kept saying "open"
and "fruitful" and other weird stuff.

That's not feeling, it's just more
talking in short half-sentences...

and you managed to turn feeling
into a job or an activity...

and it was exhausting.

So now it's my fault
that you don't feel satisfied!

Everything is my fault?
Is that what you're saying?

- I'm not saying that!
- I'm crazy? You don't look at me!

- You don't ever ask me how I am!
- I work!

You haven't looked
at me in ten years!

I'm crazy
and everything is my fault...

and my family is awful,
and nothing at all is your fault!

'Cause you rock, Joey!

If a guy talked to me like that,
I'd punch him in the face.

You're such an asshole!

You're an asshole!

It's like a little kid who
gets a puppy for the first time...

just hugs it so much, snaps its neck.

Cynthia's your puppy.

It's puppy-cradle death syndrome.

All that love is gonna snap
that puppy.

- Yeah, but...
- You don't want that!

The dawning of a new day.

A marriage is not
a timeless agreement.

It is one day.
And each day, it begins anew.

Moments. Life is made of them...

much the same as a great mosaic.

A thousand little pieces
that make one great image.

But the most important
thing in life is...

And today,
we open the door to breath...

with a shared yoga group experience.

Our instructor,
Salvadore, is running late.

So I will touch on tomorrow.

It is very important
that you are here before sunrise...

as well as not eat or drink
anything too late tonight.

As you pursue knowledge...

as well as your own
individual animal spirits...

it is very important that you
strictly follow your programs.

Failure to do so will
definitely take you off your path...

and lead you away
from the answers you seek.

I'm sorry, monsieur Marcel.

Why is it so important
for us to be on time tomorrow...

when Pablo, the yoga guy,
is running late today?

Quiet, please.

The yoga teacher's punctuality
is not your concern.

You are to be here before sunrise.

Why is it so important for us
to be here on time tomorrow?

- I'm not understanding.
- Why can't we eat or drink tomorrow?

What, is he gonna probe us?

Who is that?

Oh, my.

Damn!

I guess that's the yoga guy.

This just gets better and better.

Well, hello. I am so sorry I'm late.

I just swam from the other side
of the island.

Please, allow me to put on something
more proper before we can begin.

Thank God.

There we go. Much better.

Now, who is ready for their yoga?

- My name's Jason.
- Jason.

- Nice.
- Cynthia. Hi. Can't wait.

Hello, Cynthia.

Yes, we have a brave peacock.
Use that. Yes.

Hi, you must be Veronica.

Yeah, how did you know?

Why, I have read that you have
studied the yoga for five years.

Oh, well, I mean, just off and on,
you know, before the kids came.

Nonsense. You know, there is such
thing called the muscle memory?

And I could tell by looking
at your gait, your muscles remember.

- Thank you.
- Yes.

Okay, we are going to do
the children's position.

- What's that?
- Head down, buttocks up.

Everybody on your mats.

Yeah, that's good.
Very nice posture. Yes.

Encouragement.

So I will transfer you my energy.
I will transfer my karma.

Here is my karma on you.

- Jason!
- You have a great aura. Yes.

- Jason!
- Encouragement!

Yes! This is a great way to stretch.

- Yep.
- You see?

You could do this
with your partner at home.

- Sure.
- Let's ride this energy out!

- Keep your chin up.
- Yep.

Yes, this fire has just started.
And we will not put it out.

What is he doing?

I don't really know that pose.

Okay, now we go
into the happy baby pose.

No. Please regard me.

- I'm sorry?
- Please, allow me.

- To do what?
- Regard me.

- Okay.
- Yes.

Okay.

You are doing fantastic, my dear.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

See as I gently pulsate.

Okay...

Trying to go deeper and deeper...

and bring her deeper
and deeper into a stretch, yes?

Okay, Fabio, that's enough
of the pulsating. Please.

Then do it! Yes!
Encouragement, my friend.

Yes, fantastic progress.
Yes, put your shoulders back.

Yes. Now feel the energy.
Feel that energy. Yes.

Through your chest.
Your peacock chest. Yes.

Good! You like that? Yes. Good job.

Encouragement. Yes. Great job.

There, you need to find
your mental equilibrity.

Not on my knees, man, that hurts.

It's okay. Know your limits, yes?

There is no giving up in yoga,
you know? Encouragement, yes!

Encouragement my ass, Daddy!
You ain't even trying!

Look, yoga's not my strong suit.

Yoga's not your strong suit?

Oh, look at this one.
This little one is flexible.

She's good. She's really good.

Ooh, fantastic.

So you do like the lizard.

Now is when we transfer
the energy, you see?

Yep. And you just lay
everything on top of her?

Yes. Lay it on. Stretch.

That feels pretty good, hon?

What?

Am I straight enough here, do you
think? Or am I curving a little?

Let me show you.

You feel the transfer of the energy.

Well, it feels solid.

It is tantric energy. Yeah.

It is karma. Yes.

Okay, now I want all my girls
in a downward dog position.

Yes, this pose contains
a tantric hip thrust.

Now you and I will try this.

You got a pose called
"Yoga Guy Gets His Ass Kicked"?

'Cause that's my favorite one.

I feel your anger, yes!

Yes, I got your blood pumping, yes?
No? Now use it! Harness it!

Everybody into the children's pose!

Heads down. Okay.
Close your eyes. Yes?

Yes, good. Let's breathe.

Excuse me, Salvadore? I feel like
my sacrum is really tight.

Could you just help me
stretch it out a little?

Yes, of course, I will play
the role of your husband.

Great.

The rain room has fire.
I did not see that coming.

I was getting centered.
I was enjoying the island.

What if Joey had seen?

Lucy, it was really inappropriate.

Well, I didn't know that you were
so concerned about how Joey felt.

What's that supposed to mean?

Let's drop it.

All I'm saying is that
it was pretty uncomfortable.

Well, then why were you staring?

It was hard to miss.

Trust me, Salvadore is
the least of our problems.

It's freezing in here. Why would
they make a room like this?

You should have seen my masseuse.
She was so hot.

You're supposed
to be relaxing out here.

Why do you think I wanted
to get a full release?

You know what? I don't even
want to get into this with you.

- Into what?
- I don't want to get into...

this conversation with you.

Why is that?

Because I don't want to be put
in a position where l'd have to lie.

Why are you getting
all high and mighty on me?

No, I'm not so high and mighty.
Joey, I'm not judging you...

I'm just not asking
anything because...

I don't want to know.

Because that way,
if someone asks me...

You won't have to rat me out.

I would never rat you out.
Of course I wouldn't rat you out.

But this way, I don't have
to make that decision...

- because I really don't know.
- Let me ask you something, then.

Could you honestly say
that after seven years together...

that you get turned
on by the same woman?

I do.

Without going to the highlight reel.

You're playing a verbal shell game.

You have to make your own decisions.
I'm just saying I don't want to know.

I'm saying, if you're...
When you're sleeping with her...

if you're hitting up
some fan favorites...

I think you're cheating on
some level.

You might not be acting on it,
but you're fantasizing.

You know what? I don't know
what journey you're on...

but I can't take this trip with you.

But if I told you, as a friend...

I came up to you, I said,
"Hey, Dave, I'm attracted to men."

I was thinking about their bodies
and things, but I didn't act on it...

because I'm straight
and I was being very strong...

would you consider me
straight or gay?

If I desired a man.

If I was thinking
about a man's body...

like how the light reflects off
of his sweaty back...

- Am I interrupting something?
- No.

- We're great. Have a seat.
- Want to sit down?

- Enjoy this.
- Enjoy it.

No, I'm good here. Thank you.

If I was sleeping with my wife...

and thinking about, like,
a dude's wet mouth...

Snow and steam?
Is this place outstanding?

Okay, Jason, let me
ask you a question here.

Is the highlight reel
considered cheating?

The highlight reel? No.

I'm just saying everybody
cheats and everybody lies...

and whether they act upon it
or not is a secondary conversation.

So you're saying
that you can't tell...

the difference between
the highlight reel...

- I can tell the difference.
- Physically, cheating on somebody?

- I can't tell the difference.
- Well, that's what you're saying!

You're saying that they're related,
they're somehow in the same family.

No. I'm saying you own
a Jack Russell, I own a Bull Terrier.

They're both dogs.
They're both terriers.

Mine's just a little more
aggressive than yours.

I own a zebra, you own a goat.

What the hell's that have to do
with cheating on your wife?

Right, they're both animals.

Are you out of your mind? How would
you feel if your wife cheated?

Guys? Listen to me.

Trudy's gone.

What? What do you mean?

I went to the room
and all her stuff was gone.

Where do you think she went?

I don't know.
We had a argument at therapy.

She said she was sick
of my senior citizen bullshit.

I've been trying to keep up
with her, but I'm a old ass!

Shane, honey, it's not your fault.

No, it's bullshit. It is my fault.
I should have worked harder.

Now she's gone!

She's not gone. I know where she is.

Sit down.

How do you know where she is?

Now use your head.

She's a young girl. She wants
to party. She wants to get wild.

Too late to leave the island.
Where is she?

Where's the only place she could go?

Eden East, the singles' side.

- We gotta go get her.
- You're damn right we do!

And I'm going with you!
I am not letting you go alone!

I don't care if I have
to go there all night!

To find Trudy. We're gonna
go find Trudy for him!

We can't even go
to that side, alright?

And it's gonna get very dark soon.

- Plus we have to be in bed...
- What are you talking about?

Listen to me.

We have to be to bed
at a very reasonable hour tonight...

because we cannot miss
the sunrise in the morning.

Now, Marcel said
if we miss that sunrise...

we will not be completing our course.

We are here for the course, alright?

And stop eating and drinking as well.

Honey, our friend
is asking for our help.

She's twenty years old,
for God's sake.

She's probably with a bunch
of dudes, like, sweating...

drinking and dancing it out
of her system. What's the problem?

Let her spend the night
on Hump Island!

I promise, she's gonna come back
here first thing in the morning!

Dave, firstly...

I don't want her to spend
a night on Hump Island.

No, I'm just trying to say it's not
like she's kidnapped or something.

Now she's dead, Dave?

- Now she's dead?
- She's not dead.

She's dead on Hump Island!

I'm just trying to put
it in perspective for you!

You know what? I don't even know
why I'm blowing up at you...

because it's once again,
it's my fault.

This is a Shane thing. I've been
dealing with this all my life.

First Jennifer, and now Trudy.

We're gonna find her, okay?
I got a plan.

- I know how to get there.
- You do?

Yeah, I do.

I just can't tell you now 'cause
we got Mr. Belvedere clocking us.

Now everybody take it real casual.

Just drink your drinks and smile.

So we just make it all nice.

Everything's easy, fun,
we're drinking, we're smiling.

Okay? We can't leave till sundown.

Guys, we all need to be together
first thing in the morning, okay?

Which is exactly why
we have to find Trudy.

Otherwise, we won't all be there.

Let's get out of here now. Reconvene
later at the beach, at 19.00 hours.

You with me?

Joey, we are not gonna be able to
finish the program if we get caught!

Alright, bring it in.

Hey, come on, Shane!

We walk to the other side,
we get caught.

This way, we canoe out
nice and easy...

we find ourselves a nice,
quiet beach.

We pull up.
We find the singles' side...

we find a dance floor,
we find some cocktails.

And we find Trudy
and we bring her back...

Yeah, we find Trudy
and we bring her right back here.

This is crazy.

Trust me. I was an Eagle Scout.

My mind is a compass.
I can handle these situations.

I've been trained to do so.

Now follow me
and I'm gonna get you there...

but we gotta do it quick
and we gotta do it quiet.

Come on.

These are not
the best laid plans, okay?

I'm just gonna go on record
right now, okay?

I do not think
this has a high chance...

If we keep up this pace,
we'll be there in twenty minutes!

I hope so!

What was that?

Great! Awesome!

What do we do?

Jason! Cynthia!

Cynthia!

Grab the oar!

Are you okay?

You alright?

Yeah.

We gotta go to shore!

Cynthia, we're out of synch again.

You know, you gotta paddle
on the opposite side of the boat!

Well, Jason, I can't see
which side you're paddling on!

Well, turn around and take a look
every once in a while.

Otherwise we're gonna capsize again.
You get that, right?

It was an accident.

I'll bet it could have been avoided.

Right? Am I right?
Baby, I need you to paddle.

Cynthia, paddle the boat, please!

- You know what?
- Sit down.

- You've got to sit down in the boat!
- Cynthia!

- Cynthia!
- What are you doing?

Cynthia!

Thank God that is over!

I mean, who jumps out of the canoe?

You could have really
hurt yourself out there!

- Put these on. Cynthia?
- Jason, I have had it!

I can't do everything
exactly the way you want!

I can't control the ocean and
row the boat and stop the waves!

Calm down!

And I can't do anything about
the fact that I can't get pregnant!

This is nuts.

No, it's me.

And I just really need
some time right now.

Please stop following me,
'cause I need to be away from you.

Come on. What are you doing?
Where you going? That's a jungle!

You know what? I'm gonna
go check on her, okay?

Great, thank you.

Yeah, you guys go ahead.
I'm gonna make sure she's okay.

Honey, I don't think it's a good idea
that everyone separates right now.

I really don't think
we have a choice.

Let me just go talk to her.

No, Jason, she really
needs a minute, okay?

- Alright, go ahead.
- I gotta go.

- Baby!
- You guys go ahead!

We'll meet you guys there!

So, what are we gonna do about Trudy?

What are we gonna do about Cynthia
who just disappeared into the jungle?

Jason, she's upset. Let her
cool down. You'll talk to her later.

We still gotta get Trudy to do all
the Marcel stuff, anyway, alright?

So let's just get her ass
and let's get back home.

Cyn, please, slow down, honey.
I think we're almost there.

I think we might have
taken a wrong turn.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Finally made it to the waterfall.

I think my marriage is over.

- What?
- Honey, don't say that.

You're just exhausted.

I am. I'm so tired of him trying
to steer everything in the direction.

That he thinks is right all the time.

Listen. Don't make any
decisions right now.

You guys just need
to take a breather.

Get a little bit of space, you know?
You'll be okay. You know?

You guys have been on top
of each other ever since we got here.

No, that's actually, the one thing
that we haven't done.

We haven't had sex
since we've been here.

We've barely even touched each other.

Now, Cynthia and I
are in a terrible spot.

I come to this island, I come
to the program to get some answers...

- find out my animal spirit...
- Yeah.

Let me help you out on the whole
animal spirit thing.

It's gonna be awesome! It always is.

It's like if you go to a tarot card
reader for past lives...

- you're always something cool...
- Dave...

like a king or a gunfighter.

No one ever finds out
that they were...

like, a shopkeeper or an asshole.

Is this hilarious to you?
'Cause it's not to me.

Tell you what? If I get
kicked off this island...

I'm gonna blame all of you.

And I can't believe I let
the two of you derail me!

- We derailed you?
- That's correct.

If you kept a closer eye on Trudy...

she wouldn't have strayed
so far from the pack, alright?

- She's not a dog, Jason.
- Yeah? Well, listen...

she's been very selfish,
hasn't been a very good teammate.

- I can tell you that.
- No.

Look, I made promises,
I let her down.

You don't know the ins
and outs of our relationship.

Is that what it is? A relationship?
It's been two weeks, okay?

Alright? That's not a relationship.

It's more like an antibiotic cycle,
alright?

She should be very happy
that she's even here.

You're a good guy.
You brought her to this island.

She shouldn't be running off. She'd
be doing everything that she can...

bending over backwards
to make you happy.

Don't blame this on Shane.
You brought this on yourself.

I don't need to hear it
from you, okay?

It's half your fault. Half his fault,
half Trudy's fault, half your fault.

- Me?
- Yeah, with the whole canoe scheme?

Alright? You put me and my wife
in a very extreme situation...

put tension on the relationship.

Your wife left you because
you were suffocating her.

And now you're suffocating me!
And you're suffocating Shane, too!

Yeah, don't suffocate me, man.

A grown woman literally jumped
into shark-infested waters...

and did a distance swim
that she had no way to train for...

instead of staying
in a dry canoe with you.

Look in the mirror.

Okay, Joseph Cecil Tanzini...

with a monsoon of respect,
I don't think you're in a position...

to be telling anyone
to look in the mirror...

when it comes to relationships.

You're not Mr. "'I Try So
Hard At My Relationship," okay?

So let's go, glass house.

You, glass house!
You're the glass house!

Talk to me about relationships.

You got a woman who adores you.
She'd do anything for you.

You have a real partner in life,
and what does she want from you?

"Take me to the waterfall."
But, no, you can't take her...

because you had some over-stimulated
snorkeling experience.

Do you think
when your marriage is over...

that you're gonna find somebody...

that just caters to you,
no matter what?

That you're not gonna
have to work at it?

That's gonna be, like, psyched to go
Applebee with you every Friday night.

And hear the same football stories
about how you rocked in high school?

I did rock in high school football.
You want to check tape?

But whoever that person is, you have
to listen to their stories, too...

or they're not gonna go
to Applebee's with you.

You're not gonna have someone
to go to Applebee's with.

You'll be sitting by yourself,
eventually, at Applebee's, all alone.

And who wants to go
to Applebee's by themselves?

You know what? If anyone
should be mad here, guys...

it should be me.

I am having real fight with my wife,
okay? And it's not a fun feeling.

Look it. I'm talking in circles.
I'm on an island.

I'm getting island fever now.
I'm starting to lose my mind.

This is an early sign
of things to come.

And what we need to do now is get
focused and stop pointing fingers.

You're a problem.

You're a real, real problem.

Is that Salvadore?

Does this guy think he's a mermaid?
What is his deal?

Oh. Please, excuse my nudity.

I was expecting no company.

Allow me to put something on.

I would have asked you to join me
but the water is a little chilly.

But perhaps this will
warm up the evening.

And what is that?

It's an island rum, infused with
the essence of the coconut fruit.

Delicious.

- Yes? You like?
- Very much.

Yes.

- That's yummy.
- It is yummy.

It's yummy, isn't it?

Yes.

Oh...

Slow down there, killer.

You see, this island has
so many healing curiosities.

You know, it is good to have
a drink and have a good time.

Then do it!

Well, I guess we just go around, huh?

No, we gotta go through.
The path ends.

We go off the path,
we get lost. Come on.

No, hey, we'll make a new path.

What if there's people in there?
Joey!

Be careful, sweetie.

Ronnie, I'm Cynthia.
I'm always careful!

Yes!

Okay.

Get in there.
You're leaving fingerprints!

I don't know what you're doing...

Get away from the door.

"Yeah, I know he's been
A good friend of mine"

"But lately something's changed
That ain't hard to define"

"Jessie's got himself a girl
and I want to make her mine"

"And she's watching him
with those eyes"

"And she's loving him
with that body I just know it"

"And he's holding her
in his arms late Late at night"

"You know"

Hey! What are you doing here?

Private staff quarters are
strictly off limits to hotel guests!

I'm so sorry that we are disturbing
your fortress of solitude here.

I'm going to have to ask you
to leave The Ponderosa immediately.

Well, that's a shame, because
the place is so inviting.

When does Hoss
and Little Joe show up?

Dave.

You gentlemen have broken
into The Ponderosa...

and have broken
the rules of this island.

And, unfortunately, I don't think
you're gonna like the consequences.

I'm gonna call monsieur Marcel.

No. Sctanley...

there's been a big misunderstanding.

Some of us don't
necessarily want to be here.

I'm sorry, Mr. Smith,
but you've broken the rules...

and there are consequences.

Yes, could you get
Marcel for me, please?

Yes, I know he's asleep but wake him.
This is important. I'll hold.

What a shocker
that this went bad. Thank you.

Came here for answers
and now I'm not gonna get them!

Great.

- Great leading, Joey.
- Me?

Yeah, you.

I thought monsieur Marcel felt
that technology was a distraction.

For the guests, yeah.

You seem pretty good at that game.

He's the best on the whole island.

It's a pretty small island.

Doesn't look like it's all that hard.

Looks like all you gotta
do is push these big buttons...

and play along with the song here.
Am I right?

Something like that.

You know what'd be a gas, Sctanley?
For me and you to play.

And when I win...

you could point me toward the singles
side and forget you ever saw us.

When you beat me?

When I win, what will you give me?

Maybe just this.

A thousand dollars a cool G,
as we call it back home.

Are you at liberty
to play for that, Sctanley?

Or would you prefer
to play for smiles?

Monsieur Marcel,
I'm sorry to have woken you.

I thought there was an emergency,
but I was mistaken.

I do apologize.

[French]

I play at expert level.

You take this kind of serious.

That's a big screen.

You've played this before.

Maybe just a couple times, Sctanley.

Alright, Sctanley,
let's have some fun.

Come on, Sctanley, get him!

Don't let him get in your head.

Don't let him get in your head, Dave.

I know a place you will like.

- Really?
- Yes. You will love it.

What kind of place?

Like a place that has dancing?

- There is everything.
- Everything?

Oh, my God, you guys,
I want to go dancing!

You want to go?
Yes, please, regard me.

- Follow me.
- Oh, my God, yeah, I want to go!

It'll be a girls' night!

- Okay, but, honey.
- Oh, my God.

You should just slow down
here for a second maybe?

That's exactly what I need!

It's the second guitar solo
that sorts the men from the boys.

I was kind of counting
on that, Sctan. Joey?

- Yeah?
- I think it's time...

to show the donkey the snake.

Cut his head!

Go! Dave!

Big finish.

Star power! Yes!

Sctanley, no!

Yeah!

- You hustled me.
- Yes, I did.

For that, I'm sorry.

You see,
I sell video games, Sctanley.

And this one here,
in particular, in fact.

And I'm proud to stand
here before you...

and tell you it brings me
as much happiness...

as it does for the people
I provide them to.

And we had a bet, and I know
that you're a man of your word.

Forget that you saw me
and my friends...

and point me in the direction
that I seek.

I cannot confirm
or deny that the one...

that you seek is
on the singles side.

But a bet is a bet.
And I will tell you how to get there.

The beach is blocked by rocks.
It's completely impassable.

No more boats for me
and my friends. I go by foot.

I would be remiss if I did not
advise you to wait until daylight.

Do not take this journey lightly.

There is an old game
path through the forest...

just beyond the abandoned Starbucks.

Take it to where it forks.
Jog to the right.

Do not go to the left.

You will see lights.

You don't want to go there.

Keep walking.

Look up and locate
the belt of Orion the Hunter.

I think we should be
writing this down.

I think Dave's got it.

The stars shall be your guide.

As long as we're headed east,
that's the direction we're suppose...

I'm looking for the Little Dipper.

If I could find the Little Dipper,
I could find the North Star.

Shane, help me find
the Little Dipper.

What do I look like, Harriet Tubman?

Fine! I'll do it by myself, okay?

You guys are no help! Just...

Welcome to Hump Island!

It's time to feast here in the belly
of the beast here at Eden East!

Now can you feel it? Come on!

Man, we are about to get
this party started right!

You guys ready?

Bingo!

Hey, yo, check it out, y'all!

A luau fire and drum show
is coming up real soon!

Some of the best drummers
in the whole world.

Don't forget to check it out!

This place is out of control.

What could she be possibly
getting into over here, man?

Come on, let's not
get ahead of ourselves.

For all we know,
she could be sitting...

in a corner sulking somewhere.

We can do this. We get in we get out,
we're back before sunrise.

I know that girl. San Diego!

I know that girl. I'm gonna go see...

if I can get some answers out of her.

What are you talking about?
I'm trying to find Trudy!

Talking to locals is the best way
to get information!

You guys should be doing it, too.

That's a great idea. We split up.

That way, we find her twice
as fast. Shane, with me.

We shouldn't split up,
we should stay together.

Listen, Dave, time is
of the essence, okay...

and if we don't find her,
here's what else.

We meet back at the exit in,
like an hour, okay? Come on.

Jason, there's a ton of people here.

- If we split up, we're gonna...
- Stay with Joey.

This place rocks.

- What are you doing?
- What am I doing?

I'm trying to have a good time.
I'm trying to have a party going on.

- Hi.
- Hi.

We gotta find Trudy.
I don't want to get into this.

Come on, buddy.

What, are you dying to be
part of the new singles scene?

Look at all these people.
They're running around.

They're sexting, they're krumping,
they're twatting each other...

'cause their day's so special
they have to share it with the world.

- It's called tweeting.
- I call it twatting!

- Look, Joey, we were single.
- We had our fun.

We're not missing out on anything.

No, you were single, you had fun.

I got married early, so I never
got to experience this.

I have a feeling you had a chance
to experience lots of things.

But, look, if you want to go play
"Guess Your Disease..."

or "Let Me Translate Your Tribal
Tattoo," knock yourself out.

You don't get it. I'm here trapped
on an island with a woman...

who can't even stand the sight of me.

- And whose fault is that?
- It's not my fault!

Dude, relationships
are a two-way street...

not a highway and a bike path.

If it matters to you, work at it.
And if it doesn't, then don't!

But make a decision.

I want to be married...

'cause I want to have people
I can share my life with.

I don't wanna be doing this.

I know what I want.

I want it. Look. Dave,
it's not cause I don't want it, okay?

You make the best of your situation!
My situation's to party!

Yeah!

Yeah, definitely.

San Diego!

- Remember me?
- Where have you been?

Where have I been?
I've been trying to get here!

Look, we'll never
be able to find her.

If I walk over there,
she's gonna walk over here.

If I'm on this side, she's probably
gonna be on that side!

Alright, panicking's
not gonna help, Shane.

Hey, want to dance, tough guy?

No, I'd step on your feet,
I'd hurt you. Thank you, though.

Alright, now, everybody up!
This is Eden East!

This place is amazing! I can't
believe they kept this from us!

I knew you would love it.

This is why I brought you here.
Vitality!

Oh, it is so nice to be
out with lots of people!

Everyone's smiling and laughing.
Don't you guys love this?

It's great. In a couple more minutes,
I'll just roofie myself.

I will go get my special
Salvadore drink, yes?

Oh, yes.

"Guess I am on my way."

"Mighty glad you stayed!"

Yes!

He is so much fun!

Oh, God, don't even start.

I'm just having fun.

No, it's just...
Guys, this is too much.

- What's too much?
- Let's just get it together...

and chill out a little.

Excuse me, I don't mean
to disturb you. My name's Dave.

Hi. Ronnie.

Ronnie. That's a great name.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

- Do you have cell phone I could use?
- Why?

Someone's got to call God and let him
know one of his angel is missing.

Wow, that is the worst line
I've ever heard.

Well, what do you want from me?
I've been out of the game for while.

I've been slumming it
with a really hot redhead.

Now you're getting closer.

Dave, if you're here to be
an olive branch for Jason...

I am not gonna talk about it tonight.

I'm not here
to talk about anything...

I just want to see my wife.

Let's go.

I can't just leave these two.

I think they'll survive.

We sure will.

They are so lucky.

Now this next jam goes out
to all you party people in the house!

Everybody, up! Let's keep
this party going, y'all!

Maybe we ought to wait by the exit,
so when people come out, you know...

Whatever we do, we gotta do it fast.

I gotta get back,
gotta find my wife, you know?

What do you got? You see her?

That's my wife.

Jennifer?

Shane?

God, Shane, there you are!
I've been looking all over for you.

Jennifer, what are you doing here?

Look, I heard at the salon that you
coming to this crazy singles' island.

So, I just felt
a strong sense of urgency...

that you and l needed
to talk before it was too late.

Jennifer, you left me, remember?

I know.

But then I was hoping
that you would come after me.

It wasn't like you walked out
of a bar! It was a divorce.

And why are you even at this place?
Do you know this place is insane?

I'm getting called names.

I've been called a cougar,
a black panther, a puma!

I had to smack this one kid.

That's the last time he'll walk up
to a woman talking about cougar!

I've been looking all over
the place for you.

And where have you been?

Well, actually, I'm staying
on the other side...

the couples' side with my girlfriend.

What? Who?

Her name is Trudy
and she's aspiring to be a manager.

Put it in my mouth!

Go!

Trudy?

Alright, y'all,
it's almost time for the mele...

the Kanikapila luau drum show!

The special blend.

Yes, this is a magical drink.

You know what?

I'm gonna go get a good spot for
the show. Do you guys wanna come?

No, we're good here.

Okay. You're fine? Okay.

And then there was two.

Listen, I want you
to come back with me.

I'm not going back
to the other side with you.

I'm gonna stay right here,
get my celebration on...

and get another margarita
made up in my face.

I came a long way to find you.

Well, I know you ain't
come to get a drink.

You damn sure ain't come to dance.

- So what'd you follow me here for?
- No. I did.

I came here to drink, party,
scratch records, do it all!

Do it. It's just... you know?

What am I saying?

I don't want to do
any of those things.

Truth is that I'm exhausted
just saying them.

Alright, y'all, it's time
for the Kanikapila luau drum show!

- Cynthia, hi. Excuse me.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Hey, what are you doing here?

You alright?

I'm fine, Jason.
I'm watching the show.

We do have to get back before sunrise
though. Let's get a move on.

- I don't think that's a good idea.
- Come on, hon. Let's go.

- We're very close.
- Jason, I'm not going anywhere.

It pains me to say this, but...

I gotta let you go.

I love you.

But we cannot do this to
each other anymore. It's over.

It's over.

Daddy, wait. I was wrong.
I don't want to lose you.

I'll go back to the other side.

No. Then you'd be doing what I did.

Trying to be something
that you're not.

You're twenty.

Go be twenty.

Alright?

I will not lose you.
Alright? I cannot lose you.

You're the whole reason
that I'm here.

You're the whole reason
that I've done all of this.

You're the whole reason that I've
made a complete ass out of myself.

I have failed here miserably.
And that does not bother me.

What bothers me
is that I have failed you...

and I'm not gonna do that ever again.

Alright? I love you a lot.

Let's go get a drink.

Oh.

Honey, it has been forever
since we did something like this.

Yeah.

Baby it's funny since
we've been here.

It's like the therapist...

and the place has made it
like we got a problem.

But you know what?
I think we don't have a problem.

No.

We got a million problems.

- Really?
- Yeah.

But, honey, I think everybody
has a million problems.

I don't know that, like, you're
supposed to solve them all...

because the simple truth of it,
sweetheart, is we're married.

We made a commitment to
each other and to our families.

And to myself.

And I meant it.

Shane, honey, wait.

Jennifer, I don't need this.

I'm done with trying
to make you like me.

I'm not gonna be the man
you want me to be.

I'm not gonna do things
the way you want me to do things.

I'm always gonna wear my heart on
my sleeve because that's who I am.

And I got a lot of friends
that like me...

just because I'm the way I am.

But it really doesn't matter

because I like me.

Well, I don't like you.

- Whatever.
- I love you.

I can't stand picking out tiles.

It drives me nuts to try to
redo the fricking house.

I know it does.

But, the one thing
that we can and should always do...

is just kind of have fun
with each other.

Truthfully, sweetheart, that should
be the easiest thing to do...

because before there was the kids...

or the house
or the job or any of it...

there was just you.
And I love you, Ronnie.

I love you, too, Dave.

Hey, now, all you naughty boys
and girls, gather 'round.

The hell's she doing here?

Who?

That's my wife.
She must be looking for me.

I don't think so. She looks fine.

You should just relax.

Excuse me!

Hey!

Peacock!

Please, I don't want to hurt you.

- "Encouragement!"
- Joey!

Baby, remember when we first met...

and I told you that you were
the only man I'd ever been with?

- You lied?
- No.

I was completely inexperienced...

and, honey, I didn't
know what I had in you.

I've been cheating on you!

I've been cheating on
you every chance I got!

For years, I've been cheating on you.

Well, I cheated on you
with more than one guy!

You had a three-way with two dudes?

No! But I would have!

- I totally would have!
- Well, I would've, too!

Not with two dudes! You know
what I'm talking about!

I thought I needed to know what it
was like out there, in a real way...

not like I read it in Cosmo.
So, I went out there and I lived it.

- I've had one-night stands!
- Okay.

I've woken up in beds with men
whose names I didn't even remember!

I was like,
"'How did l get this T-shirt on?"

Jennifer, I get it. Land your plane.

- Just deal with it!
- You deal with it.

You deal with going
to Applebee's alone.

- What?
- If you don't put in effort...

you're gonna be the one
who ends up at Applebee's alone.

Are you asking me to go
to Applebee's with you?

The bottom line
is that none of them...

made me feel the love that you did.

And I had to go out into the world...

in order for me to come back
and say that I belong home.

Now I'm gonna keep on
spinning these fly tunes...

until somebody gets
something going on!

I'm not saying I wouldn't
go to Applebee's with you!

Well, I'm not saying I wouldn't
go to Applebee's with you!

Alright, well, I would try
to go to Applebee's with you.

Well, I would try to go
to Applebee's with you!

- So let's try. I want to try!
- Well, let's try!

- I'm sorry.
- I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry
that it took all of that.

But you know what? Now I can
honestly say, with love in my heart.

That you are my man.

Could you ever love me again?

Well, you're my wife.

And I never stopped loving you.

Now come here and give me a kiss.

This next jam goes out to all
you party people in the house!

And that time that you got sick,
you didn't want me to see you...

so you locked me out of the bathroom?

No! Then I passed out!

- Yeah.
- And you called the ambulance.

Well, because,
before you passed out...

it sounded like
you were dying in there.

- I thought I was dying. I did.
- Yeah, well...

what was I supposed to do?
I should have broken down the door.

You've been a really good friend.

You have been the best friend
in the world to me.

Now don't stop dancing, y'all!
Party ain't over! It's far from over!

Silence, please! Silence!

I made a program for you
and you decided not to follow it.

You defied my instructions
and you went off course.

Why are we being held
to a different standard, Marcel?

You weren't here
on time this morning.

I was here before
sunrise, sadly, by myself.

Therefore, I chose not to wait.

Marcel, I've got
to be honest with you.

- You know...
- Silence!

No, you silence! Please, just...

I don't need some speech
about moments, okay?

No more, okay?

I'm sorry that we kept you
waiting this morning...

and that we didn't respect
your program...

but last night my wife and l,
we spent some real time together...

and for the first time
in a long time...

we woke up actually very, very happy.

So, with all due respect, sir...

I don't need you,
or anyone else for that matter to...

you know, say anything, really.

I know.

- Sorry?
- You do?

Yes.

That is why I am giving you this.

I don't understand.

I could never reveal
your true inner animal spirit.

It was always up to you.

Cynthia, Jason,
your spirit is the rabbit.

No matter what obstacles
are put in front of him...

the rabbit will scrape and burrow...

and find a way to create his home.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Lucy, Joseph.

For you...

the wolf.

The wolf is by nature
a pack animal...

and one of the few proud members...

of the animal kingdom
that mates for life.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Hello, Jen. Welcome, Jennifer.

Thank you.

For you...

the noble honeybee.

The honeybee is committed.

And though it may fly
from flower to flower...

collecting the sweet,
sticky nectar'...

it has no choice
but to return to the hive.

Congratulations.

Thank you. That's a big-ass bee.

Finally, Ronnie and David.

I have thought long
and hard about this.

I could not decide with my mind.

I had to open my soul
to the animal spirits.

And, finally...

Okay, the build-up's killing me.
What do we got here? Two cheetahs?

Couple of eagles? You got two lions?

The ass.

You are the ass.

Stubborn and immovable.

The mighty ass tirelessly bears
the heavy burden of others.

But when the ass is on the move,
nothing can stop the ass.

Be an ass for your marriage.
Be an ass for your children.

Be an ass for love.

Thank you, Marcel.

I'm gonna be the biggest ass
you've ever seen.

And now, you may spend the rest
of your trip enjoying the island.

Please feel free to make Eden
into your own, personal Sandals.

Yes.

And now, jet skis!

Yes!

Hey, what's happening?

I sure miss you guys.

I miss you so much.

And Grandpa Jim Jim
let us watch "Jaws"!

We get to eat all the candy we want!

Hey, guys, the jet skis are ready!
Come on! We're waiting on you!

Give us one second with the kids.
We'll be there in a minute.

- Go ahead and start.
- Well, listen...

when we get back next weekend,
we'll go to Medieval Times...

and we'll get some big drumsticks...

- and lots of meat.
- Yes!

And we're gonna be doing a lot
more of that fun stuff, guys...

so get ready, okay?
I'm gonna take you...

to the school parking lot,
we'll do some donuts.

Yeah! Donuts!

Alright, I love you.

Love you, too.
Here's Grandpa Jim Jim.

Alright. Enjoy your last few days.

Hey, Dad, could you do me a favor...

and not give them candy
every time they ask?

You ought to be thanking me.
I'm here at this home store...

returning some of the stuff
that you had on that house list.

Okay, thanks so much.
When you look at the coating...

will you beat
that guy up on the price?

Kevin! That is not a real toilet.

Dad, what's going on?
Is everything okay?

Please tell me he's
not peeing in the store.

It's nice to take a moment
and just relax.

- Dad?
- I gotta go.

I don't know him and there's no way
I'm going near him.

Grandpa, there's no toilet paper.

Help me get my shirt off.

You know, the Federal Reserve
is a pimp.

They want you to be in debt.

That's how it works.
They give you these credit cards...

you can't pay for...

HD, motorcycles.
It's all a pimp game.

Oh, that feel good.