Original subtitles

You'd always say that places people call shitholes

aren't actually shitholes at all.

But really they're places full of love

and kindness and community.

Except your ends, which you said were actually...

Such a shithole.

MUSIC: Write Me A Letter by Oscar Lang

you're going to drown

I'm sure he's OK, darl.

He's had a shock about his uni place and he's clearing his head.

Yeah. Try to take your mind off it.

Think of nice things like...

..Wagamama katsu curry.

And, er... And how's Corinne?

For the hundredth time, she's not my girlfriend.

Oh, she got a great arse, Jack.

Even though you'd disappeared, I knew I still needed to come out to Mum.

I didn't want to keep pretending for that whole summer

that I fancied Mulala.

Right. Can we get in our pyjamas and have a cuppa?

Oh, we ain't staying home, hun. Oh, no, now I've got you back,

I've got a whole summer planned of fun shit for us to do,

which starts now. What?

We're going for Sunday lunch at your favourite restaurant.

Not... We're going to Harvester.

Get in. Yes, Watford may also be a bit of a shithole,

but we have three Harvesters, so shut up.

So, erm, your grandmother has now become very unpredictable.

She can get upset or angry

or completely forget what she's doing and talking about.

Sure she ain't turned into Janet Street-Porter?

I do not know what that is. Right.

Don't worry, she'll be fine with me.

She can also be quite, er,

frisky. Yeah, that sounds about right.

HE KNOCKS Hello?

Morning, Iris.

What do you want?

Hello, hello!

Ooh!

Daniel?

My Daniel?! Come here. Ohh!

SHE LAUGHS AFFECTIONATELY

I got you some roses.

Chocolates? No, look, flowers.

Shame.Oi! SHE LAUGHS

Let me just pop 'em down here.

Harvester Watford felt like quite a safe space to come out...

Ooh, nice jacket. You too.

..I suppose because if it all went tits up,

I could still have a knickerbocker glory.

Mum, I need to tell you...

Welcome to Harvester Watford, guys!

My name is Marky B, I'll be your server today.

Uh, is this your first time? Oh, I'd be two jeans sizes smaller if it was.

HE WHIMPERS

God! HE LAUGHS

Ohh...

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

OK. Uh, the salad bar is open with an array of crisps...

Spare us the spiel, hun. We want bottomless drinks glasses

and every single sauce you can carry in one go.

Coming right up.

Oh, and two more menus.

Why?

Bloody hell, you do look a twat.

Well, grab the Huggies pack from the back seat and help me get wiping!

Nan-a!

Nan-a!

So how you been? Yeah, fine.

How you been? Yeah, fine.

Do you like my en suite?

Yeah. I'd love an en suite. Would ya? Yeah, definitely.

I tell you what, shall we have a squash? Yeah.

Yeah, all right.

I really don't like that man, Daniel.

The Polish bloke.

Oh, no?

He's a fucking pervert. Nanna, I'm sure that's not true.

He keeps trying to shag us! I'm not trying to fornicate with you, Iris,

just put you to bed and tuck you in.

Right. Look. Here y'are.

Have a look at this, look.

I found that in your post.

I think it's from Dad.

Do you want me to read it for you? Daniel.

You don't need to write these any more, love.

Let's not pretend.

MUSIC: Can't Get You Out Of My Head by Kylie Minogue

Mum,

I've wanted to tell you over the past year...

Oi, oi! Oh, finally!

So I've had to be Smurfette

at Stacey Solomon's son's sick secret birthday party.

Now I'm getting these celebs' bookings, I just got to go the extra mile, you know.

Hiya, crew. What can I get you?

OK, so double brandy and Coke with a plastic straw if you please.

I'll have a vodka lime soda. Have you got lime?

Um, yeah, just a bit. We have a bountiful supply of fresh limes.

No, I'm going to need cordial because I ain't a hippy.

Yeah...

Absolutely. What meals do you guys fancy?

We'll have half a spit roast each, all with fries,

two full racks of ribs for the table.

Two portions of onion rings? Three? Three?

Five portions of onion rings, erm, couple of corn on the cobs for good measure

and... SHE WHISPERS

..me and Nan will share the 12-ounce rump,

well done, no Diane sauce because she's got an aversion to mustard. Thank you.

What? Any allergies?

Sorry... Er, any allergies?

And that's Jack, who I've been living with. Who?

I showed you him before, Nan.

Look, that's Corinne.

And that's her again.

And again. HE CHUCKLES

Aww.

Pretty girl, Dennis.

It's Danny, Nan.

I'm Danny.

She's stunning, isn't she? Just like you.

Ohh!

MUSIC: She Drives Me Crazy by Fine Young Cannibals

That ain't a fucking salad.

Then why is it available at a buffet of salad, then, huh?

Fat-shaming me again, Nan. You're a shame to yourself, darling.

Stop being mean to one another, please.

The Harvester salad bar was meant to be my happy place.

Careful, Nan, that's spicy. Spicy for old white people.

You are old white people. I'm a red devil, just like this sauce,

which I'll drench you in if you don't back off from the fucking croutons!

They rowed... Wow. ..because deep down, they really loved each other.

I mean, Shannon wouldn't have shared a steak with anyone else.

Oh, look, that's me. At the beach.

Must be about five there. Yeah...

Oh, look, and there we all are at Butlins.

That was a nightmare.

SEAGULLS CRY OUTSIDE

Your dad.

Yeah.

He just hated you.

Oh, did he?

You look just like him.

Yeah, I know.

Get out.

Get out. Shall we watch some TV...

Get out! Get out!

Get out! Get OUT!

Get out, get out, get out!

Iris. Iris.

And you can fuck off an' all! Iris, don't worry.

SHE WHIMPERS I want to go home!

Iris... Get my husband.

MUSIC: Danger Stranger by Esther

and take them back again

until the horses run

to fall asleep

I wanted to split in two

that we ever would say goodbye

Hello, you.

I'm not really sure about this letter you're writing.

Look, before you start, all right, I'm just so, so tired.

I know.

I'm sorry I wasn't always the best at being around

when I could've been.

You had your own shit to sort out.

Do you know what I mean? Like figuring out you...

Like cock. Yeah, that.

But I wouldn't have figured it out

if you hadn't made me feel all right enough to do so.

So whatever that letter is, just...

..don't go there. Because you can't leave us, mate.

Mate, I don't want to leave you.

I want to leave me!

But...

..I don't think that's true.

Is it?

So where do I start?

WAVES CRASH

and take them back again

Mum, I...

I need to tell you... PHONE PLAYS TINNY POP TUNE

HE SIGHS

Hello, you.

but it seems to pass me by

On that drive home, you finally told us everything,

that you'd been looking after your nan for years,

that your dad just didn't care about anyone else but himself

and that uni felt like your last chance to be someone.

Don't stink the bog out. It's a wee, not a poo!

It is a poo, I can tell by the way he's running.

Cor, I reckon he could be a while.

Yeah, maybe I should sleep in here tonight. SHE LAUGHS

DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE

Oh, Danny. I know what it's like to have crap parents.

Sometimes I think it's harder than what's happened to Jack

because his dad wanted him.

Didn't want to leave.

But it still is painful when they live round the corner

and they don't want to know you. Yeah.

You do feel a bit invisible sometimes.

But you're not. I felt like that as a kid.

And in my twenties.

To be honest, I feel a little bit like that now as a widow,

but you ain't ever invisible if somebody loves ya.

And my son, he loves you.

But you've got options, darl.

If you don't get back into uni, think about what else you might want to do.

Yeah, I always thought I'd train to be an actor actually.

But everyone already thinks I'm gay. Plenty of straight blokes start out in acting.

Look at old Phillip Schofield. Yeah, true.

Just got to focus on feeling better

and you can stay with us as long as you need.

As long as you don't mind using the poo knife in the downstairs loo.

We've all got to cut up our turds in this house, the cistern's fucked.

OK.

Do we each get our own knife or...

No, darling, just the one. OK.

HE GRUNTS

You still ain't told your mum, have you?

HE SIGHS

No.

I ain't been finding the right...

..time or...words or...

Yeah. OK. Listen.

I will hand in that appeal letter tomorrow

if you tell her.

It's a bit emotionally blackmaily,

but...deal.

Sweet. All right, night, Jacky boy.

Night, mate. Just going to have a quick wank, all right,

just to help me get off to sleep. Don't you dare!

Morning. Morning.

Now, what do you boys fancy? I could do my speciality -

Peggy bread. Grow up, Mum!

Or there's a variety pack of cereals.

Ooh, erm, you got Golden Nuggets? Well, Golden Nuggets obviously go first, mate.

Do you know what I might do? I might just mix and match a few together.

Oh, all right.

Anyway, er, Jack's got something he wants to tell you, Peg.

What? It's nothing bad, is it?

You do check your testicles for lumps in the shower, don't you?

Yeah... Yeah, he gets me to do that.

Well, what is it?

Come here.

I've realised

that over the past few months,

I don't really like Corinne.

That's fine.

And I don't like many people like Corinne.

Oh. You're not a racist, are you?

No! I...

I like boys.

I...

..like...like men.

And I ain't said anything...

..because

I'm worried...

..I'll let down Dad.

I-I don't want to let down Dad

and I don't want to let down you.

Mate. Does your mum think you're a racist?

No. FOOTSTEPS

I told her and she left. Fuck...

Right.

Do you remember these? Year three at school.

You'd have to decorate and fill up an old shoe box for the poor Romanian kids.

Bung in warm gloves, a tube of Aquafresh

and an S Club 7 CD from Woolworths.

Yeah... Well, we never gave this one away.

Because you were about six and you point-blank refused

to drop it in because you said you wanted to keep one for yourself.

Jack. Keeping the orphans from Rachel Stevens, that's selfish.

Anyway, do you remember Saturday nights as a kid

you watched the X Factor and then straight after on ITV2

there'd be The Xtra Factor? Yeah? Oh, yeah.

Well, at the very beginning, all the X Factor judges,

they'd write down their predictions about who they thought would win

and then a few weeks later, the final,

Konnie Huq would open the envelopes and see who guessed correctly.

Yeah, 2010, I was firmly team Wagner.

Ohh. We love Gamu, don't we? Always.

Anyway, one Saturday night,

your dad had hit the wacky baccy and I'd had a couple of Cointreaus

and so, um, we decided to make our own predictions.

But about you.

What? Yeah, we both wrote down

what we thought you was going to be like when you was older

and we put them in envelopes and I kept them in this box

for you to open on your 21st as a silly present.

Do you want to open it?

But I ain't 21 till next year.

Just open it.

I wrote he'll be a solicitor

living in a new-build by the high street.

Ha. As if I'd ever be able to afford one of those.

What had Dad put?

"He will probably be a dancer,

"maybe with a boyfriend up in London."

Yeah, he'd always said to me, your dad,

he said, "He could be gay, you know."

Mainly because you was so good at remembering the Spice Girls choreography.

He's still good at that.

I promise you, Jack, he may not be here to say it,

but me and your dad, we don't care.

But you've always said, always,

now he's gone, you can't wait to have grandkids.

All I ever wanted was you

and for you to be happy.

You know, whether you've got kids, an husband

or just a fish called Alison,

as long as you're happy and healthy

and not a nonce, that's all that matters.

Come on, get in.

MUSIC: More I See by S Carey

Danny!

Huh!

Mum...

And so, at the end of that summer,

we threw a big 60th birthday party for my dad,

all planned by Shannon, and we invited everyone we knew.

Here, Pegs, watch those little fuckers.

They keep jumping all over your stuff.

It's a bouncy castle, Nan. They're supposed to.

THEY ALL SCREAM

Come here!

Look out, yeah?

Come on! OK!

THEY LAUGH

SHE TINGS GLASS

It would've been Laurie's 60th today

and while he's still very missed,...

..we wanted to throw a celebration of his life

because that's just as important to do

and, er... Have an almighty piss-up!

Well, yeah! Yeah!

And, erm, I just feel really lucky right now

to have my boy-s! Whey!

Yeah... Right. No. Here you come.

I'm Shannon, I'm Laurie's niece

and he taught me not to give a fuck what anybody thought

and to shoplift without being caught. Yeah!

Eh?!

And to have a laugh as well.

So I'd like to raise a toast

to family.

ALL: To family.

I love ya.

MUSIC: Water by Ra Ra Riot

To you and me, boy. To us.

And this was the first time since he'd died

that I'd had friends round this house...

Look who it is.

..and it didn't feel like just me and Mum any more.

God, you live so close to campus, why do you have your knickers in a twist about being in halls?

Everyone get on here! Jack...

How's your summer going? Oh, yeah, really good, thanks.

I actually speak Yoruba now ahead of a little hols I'm taking,

sort of mooching around West Africa...

HE SPEAKS YORUBA

Oh, right, yes! Well, thank you, you...charmer!

Yeah, lovely. Oh, erm, Danny...

What did you say to her?

Your new hair's not nice. SHE GIGGLES

Got this for you, sweetheart. Here.

What's this? It's from uni.

About your appeal.

What's that?

Yeah, no, you've got to be opening it. Sure?

All right.

THEY SHOUT IN CELEBRATION

Subtitles by Red Bee Media