Original subtitles

Lovely. Look at me. You look gorgeous. Big smile for me.

Dad always said he'd take me to prom in his cab cos limos are expensive

and they're always full of pricks.

Next.

I went with Jasmine.

A Sagittarian stoner Muslim who...

OK, to your mama.

..knew I was gay before I did and claimed she invented putting smartphones in rice.

Smile at the camera.

Having felt self-conscious in gay clubs I'd use Grindr

so that rather than walking about chatting to men

as actual human beings I'd just tap the app.

And up came an Argos catalogue of gays, in stock, ready for collection.

There was Simon, over here, from Bristol.

Likes the music of Cher,

going to see Hairspray

and receiving Bukkake facials.

Then Brian from Staines.

Loves beer,

doesn't like feminine men

and can't wait to get our country back.

But he also has a sloppy hole ready for a pounding.

Then Adeyemi from Tottenham

whose phone in Gordy's was always inundated.

GROWLING

Then there was Fraser from Swansea

who loves house music,

hates the Monarchy

but does have a Prince Albert piercing.

However, by having all this fun

it meant I'd kind of neglected you.

PHONE VIBRATING

The best thing about dating older blokes

is that they have much nicer flats

with chrome fittings and fridges that hand you ice

and better quality bed linen.

Fraser, are your sheets from The White Company?

Yeah.

Egyptian cotton?

Yeah.

And I was good at some things in the bedroom.

However, whenever it came to 'The Big One' I just...

Jack, have you ever been fucked?

Oh, well...no.

I'm nearly 41.

I can't be taking your virginity, lovely boy.

Come back when you've got some experience. All right?

OK, OK, here.

All young widows must find a way of overcoming loyalty

to remaining children

and realise they are still a sexual, romantic being.

Well, the word I have an issue with there is young.

Just, please! Just give Widows Speed Dating a go, right?

Before Jack gets back on Sunday for the whole summer

just do something for yourself.

Fine.

But if one of them old widowers is a creep

and I end up getting murdered or worse - mugged -

then you're to blame, Shan. Good! Good.

Cos I've got you some naughty outfits.

As we entered the final week of first year, you'd gone AWOL...

Vote for Yemi, LGBTQ society...

..and Yemi had gone absolutely power-button mad.

Where's Danny?

Oh, God. I've not seen him in any seminars all month.

Not even the one with the French PhD student who refuses to wear a bra. We need to check in on him.

Yes, well, since you've started sucking willies you've practically ghosted him, my friend.

I haven't, I just...

..I don't always know how to help.

Fair enough.

Now he's ghosted poor Leisa.

Can we focus on me, please?

Cos I will ghost both of you if we don't get flyering.

Sorry, why do you even want to be the LGBTQ society president?

Because you told me that you were planning on dropping out of Uni.

I am.

This is my legacy back up if I don't get headhunted in second year.

Or just stay all three years and graduate.

Eh?

Do you know what happens to full-term fashion graduates?

I'll tell you.

Mothercare.

Mamas and Papas. Matalan.

And what happens if you don't win? Corinne.

My competition's Fred.

The boy who the vending machine fell on.

Now, take these and go and flyer down by the football field.

The bisexual lads will take one from you.

Fine.

Thank you.

It's a lot of flyers, Yemi.

And why are you looking so glum? Hmm?

You've been chirpy recently.

I thought you'd finally ditched the whole, "Oh, I'm a gay. Oh, my dad is dead," shit.

I am gay and my dad is dead.

Yes, and you will not stop going on about it. But, I just...

..I think I'm ready to do...

..anal. Jesus.

But, slowly.

And with someone I trust.

Are you asking me to fuck you? No.

I was.

Look, come round mine later

and I'll sort you out.

Just need to pick up some bits and bobs.

Oh, this is far too young for me.

It's body-con. It's timeless.

MUSIC: I Turn My Camera On By Spoon

On the way

No.

Right, fuck this! Fuck this whole fucking thing. I ain't fucking going.

I cannot do it.

OK, Peggy. Do you not like this item because, a - it looks different to the image online,

b - you ordered more than one size...

I don't like it, Shan, cos it's a pile of old shit.

OK, well that's not an option for return, so...

Pegs. I know you loved my son very much and we all miss Laurie dearly.

I miss him every hour of every day.

You are the one who gets me through.

You get everyone through.

You deserve to be happy.

To be loved.

If I were you

I'd go get some nookie.

May just do the trick, old girl.

Danny, are you in?

We've got your favourite.

All right?

Oh, is that a Tesco £3 meal deal?

Ah, and it's the holy trinity.

Southern fried chicken wrap, Walkers Max Paprika

and a Naked blue smoothie, yes. Cos it's...

BOTH: ..£2.50 on its own, so why wouldn't ya?

Hello, you.

Come in, come in, come in.

Right, excuse the mess, OK.

Let me get some stuff out the way.

It's a flipping pigsty, I know.

Uh, we're just seeing how you are.

Yeah, yeah.

So-so. Ha, ha.

Haven't seen much of you the past few weeks.

Yeah, well, you know me. Man of mystery, innit?

Well, I'm gonna try and be around a bit more before we move out Sunday.

Shit.

What, we've gotta move out this Sunday? Yeah.

Oh, for fuck's sake. What are we gonna do this week?

Uh... Well, I'm actually quite nervous cos

I might finally do it up the bum with someone tonight.

Yes! Ha, ha.

That's wicked, mate. Yes.

I tried to do anal with my ex but she said I was too thick.

LAUGHING Well, you never have been the smartest, have you?

LAUGHING CONTINUES Corinne, that's a good joke for you.

DANNY SOBS

Danny?

Oh.

Fucking hell, sorry.

What's wrong?

OK.

You weren't so-so, you were brave facing it.

And we knew we had to help.

Ugh, stop!

Hi, Dr Quinn

my name is Corinne Gehemuiry.

I'm here with Daniel King.

We're calling in regards to his meds.

DOOR KNOCKING

YEMI: Come in, I'm nearly ready for you.

Just sit and chill.

DOOR OPENS

Are you ready?

Let's go.

MUSIC: Ready For The Floor by Hot Chip

do it, do it now

it, say it now

BOTH: it, say it, say it, say it now.

Vote Yemi.

Right. I've spent 86 quid on you, yeah.

For fuck's sake.

Can you put your shorts back on, please? Yeah.

Will you stay here tonight?

Yeah, of course.

So...

..you wanna lube both your bussy and the plug itself...

Please don't call it a bussy -

it sends shivers down my spine.

Pop this small one in now and walk home wearing it.

Wearing it?

How am I supposed to physically walk with that in my bum hole?

Look, work your way up the sizes each night this week

popping in a different one for a half hour or so.

Look, maybe I'm just a top.

Look.

I do this all the time, yeah.

I slide one in, I go Superdrug, McDonalds, Post Office.

I'll be working a shift at Sainy's and if I know I'm getting a seeing to that night

I might pop in some anal beads.

All right.

OK. Good.

Do it, yes.

MUSIC: Ready For The Floor by Hot Chip

I am ready for a fall...

CLINKS

You dropped your...

door knob?

DANNY: Yes, lads.

I am so awake.

I've had three coffees, two shits and a wank.

Today is gonna be a great day.

Right, I have saved the best seminar of the year for last.

A content analysis reviewing media bias of the Obama administration.

DISAPPROVING GROANS Yes, stunning.

The first non-White President of the USA.

Oh, talking about me again, are we?

No, that's a little joke because obviously I'm very white

but I do endeavour to use my privilege for change.

Oh, sorry, had you started?

Evidently. You should have said something.

This is just to remind y'all that on Saturday, to announce the new society president

I'll be holding my annual...drum roll...drink the SU bar dry.

Yes.

MUMBLING: I'll be DJ'ing all the hits from the fantastic year we spent together

from FloRida to Wiz Khalifa.

And, also, guys don't forget that Sunday to Monday is halls move-out.

Now, two of you journo students still haven't told me your time of departure.

Where are you, where are you, where are you?

Debs and Asim. Debs and Asim.

Both dropped out during Fresher's Week.

Oh, shit. I forgot to take them off the halls list.

Sorry, hang on, so...

..if you didn't know that Debs and Asim dropped out

that means there's been two empty halls rooms this whole time?

Yes. That sounds...right, yes.

Unbelievable!

Kelly, you should have been in charge of this.

I'm sorry, Mum.

Did you just call her mum?

No... Yes, you did. ..yes, she did but it's a little affectionate nickname

because I'm sort of like everybody's mum in a way.

Yeah, Mum. Sorry, Jules.

OK, thank you, that's quite enough, thank you.

Sorry. You lot, notebooks out, please.

Danny, wasn't expecting to see you.

Come and see me Friday afternoon, please, mate.

OK, yeah. Not breaking up with me, are ya?

Do you need to see me at all, Tim?

You wish.

A - Content analysis...

By Thursday that week, I'd worked my way up the butt plugs

and felt ready to get fucked

when... DOOR SLAMS

Who's that?

Shit, that's my boyfriend. Oh!

Twat!

He knows I have a lad around, we're open.

Oh.

Now...

LUBE SQUELCHES

..let's get you open.

It's just, sorry.

What now?

I just...

..wondered if you'd wear a condom.

Babe?

Yeah.

Have we got any johnnies?

Check the drawer.

Oh, shit.

Shop shuts in 20.

Babe?

Yeah.

Do you want a Caramac?

Oh, go on, then.

MELANCHOLY MUSIC

Look, Laurie.

I don't want another bloke anywhere near as much as I want you.

But I gotta do this tomorrow.

So, you're gonna have to forgive me if I fall for someone.

Cos I hope you're up there giving Princess Di one for me.

Don't mind me I'm just grabbing me...

Oh, my God, it's you.

The manageress.

Yeah. Evan.

And what have you done with my boyfriend?

He's getting contraception.

Good. So he should.

We'd hate for you to get pregnant. HE CHUCKLES

You're that lad that's struggling to take it up the...

I just can't.

Are you fully out yet?

No, I...

..I don't care about being gay

but I just don't wanna make things any more complicated for my mum.

And why do you think she'd care?

All I know is that she dreams of me with a nice wife

that gives her grandkids that have both her and dad in them.

But you're still naked in my boyfriend's bed.

So, I think you should tell her.

Because you love her.

And cos you clearly want a cock inside of ya.

Spray.

Mint.

Bump of ket?

I'm joking! Oh.

Right, I'm gonna stay in the car just in case you hate it.

I've glue-gunned the portable DVD player to the back of the headrest

so I'm just gonna watch Jumanji. OK, good luck.

Shannon, thank you.

Oh, I love you.

Love you. Go on.

What's happening, boss man?

Why do you wanna see Big D then?

You failed first year, mate.

Your attendance has been dire.

Your hand-ins are sporadic to non-existent.

The head of department says you can't carry on for second year.

Oh, right, uh...

Thing is I know you can do better because when you do write it's full of humour and kindness.

It's the kind of stuff I'm envious of myself but you never hand any of it fucking in.

Look, you can appeal the Uni's decision.

And I would encourage you to do so.

Cos I don't think you've been feeling your best.

And you deserve a chance.

OK, um...

Yeah. Like, OK, what do I need to do?

Paperwork.

Loads of really boring paperwork.

Fuck's sake.

So, I've gotta write an initial letter saying that I'm gonna reapply over the summer.

And then just wait.

Where are you staying this summer?

Fuck knows. I mean my nan still hasn't given her flat back to the council

so probs there and it beats my dad's sofa, innit?

Oh, mate.

I'm so sorry.

Mm-hmm.

How was your shag?

Couldn't do it.

I think it's time.

I need to come out to Mum.

Come here.

MUSIC: Look At Where We Are By Hot Chip

Nope! No, not doing that.

Right, this is what we are going to do. You and I are going to bash this bitch out until it's done.

Jack, please run to town and get me a Big Mac with no gherkins and a strawberry milkshake.

And also a four-pack of Red Bulls because we are pulling

an all-nighter until this is fucking done. Do you understand me?

SHOUTING: Do you understand me?

OK.

You all right? Yep, fine. Password?

Uh, OK. Right, it's old but...

What's the password, Danny?

Fanny king.

I promise I'm gonna go in.

I just...I just need to build up to it.

OK? OK.

But I really didn't bring enough popcorn for two, so...

You've got six bags!

Yeah? Not enough.

How does that read?

Yeah, it's amazing.

Why do you care so much about me staying?

Because I'd miss you.

So, my older brother

he's had a lot of problems with his mental health.

He's been in and out of trouble.

Stopped and searched when he's done nothing wrong.

Oh, shit, sorry. No, it's...

..it's fine, but it took a lot of work.

And the reason that I want good grades is because I don't want my parents to have to worry about me.

But I also knew that I had to loosen up a bit more this year

and that's why I want you here with me next year -

to look after me

in case I fucking shit all over myself or...

..I get sent to another gay crash.

MUSIC: Look At Where We Are by Hot Chip

Oh, hello, hello.

So, yeah. Yep, uh-huh.

Oh, I thought you were just getting brandy.

You've gotta have a kebab at the end of a night out.

But we haven't had a night out.

Have we not?

Sorry I didn't go in.

It's just still a big deal for me.

I know, Auntie Pegs.

Small steps, babes.

Now, do you want garlic or chilli sauce?

Both...

Course you do. ..be amazing.

And that is why I got three of each.

That was amazing, Karen.

Oh, fuck off!

Uh, I really need a wee.

Well, you'd better go otherwise it'll be vodka-cranberries all summer.

Oh, you're such a feminist knowing about cystitis.

Um, OK. I need to pack up my room.

Will you hand your appeal letter in?

Mm-hmm.

Yes? Yes, I will.

I'm gonna support you all summer regardless what happens with the appeal.

Thank you, Corinne.

Thank you, Danny.

Well, you know. It's all part of the service.

Oh.

See you later. Yeah, OK.

Bye.

KELLY: Mic check.

One, two.

Mic one, two, three.

That's fine, Kelly, you don't have to check it, we know it's...

Right..

Where's Danny?

..OK, so, now looking to the powerful of the future,

um, I'm really happy to announce that

the winner of the presidential election 2014

for the LGBTQ society is, drum roll...

..it's Adeyemi!

Oh! Oh, my God.

OK.

Wow.

I'm gonna call him. OK.

Listen. Cheers, bitch.

Come on, let's go see him.

MUSIC: The Best by Self Esteem

No.

Fuck's sake, Danny.

And just like that,

you'd gone.

Without saying bye.

MUSIC: The Best By Self Esteem

babe...

Subtitles by Red Bee Media