Original subtitles

My dad wanted a fun-for-all, not a funeral.

He didn't want to be remembered as some bloke with cancer,

but as someone who wore criminal amounts of double denim.

Shannon helped plan the funeral, because she adored Dad,

and because she was doing a BTEC in Event Management at Watford College,

so she made Dad's funeral her final practical assessment.

An invigilator actually came to the service.

Christ, Shan, what ARE you wearing?

I took inspiration from Britney at the BMAs.

She's made you look like a dickhead. Don't be mean about Britney, Nan.

She's had a rough ride too. Shannon's going to put Dad's weed grinders in his coffin.

So he'll always be high up in the sky.

Do you remember when you was 12, and we went to Camden Market,

and that lad tried to sell you some?

Yes, I remember. Jack came running over to me and Laurie going,

"See that bloke over there in the green leaf Bob Marley t-shirt,

he's just tried to sell me an ounce of spunk."

I meant skunk. I'd take spunk or skunk right now.

OK, guys, right, now...

Are you all right? Yeah.

Are you all right?

Yeah. Yeah.

Are you all right?

Nan?

Yeah.

Are you all right?

Yeah.

# The day after I

# Had counted down all of your friends... #

Why does it say "ankle"?

He was my ankle. Ankle Laurie.

It's uncle.

U-N-C-L-E.

Silly cow.

Shit, shit!

Mum, where do you think he is?

He's sat right in front of me.

He's in your curly hair,

and your pointy ears, and he's in your little smile too!

You just need to make sure you become like him in there as well.

OK?

Can you move your hand now? I've got sweet chilli sauce in my eyes.

GROANING

Are you going to come down the local tomorrow?

Of course I am. I live for the pub, I dream of the pub.

I am the pub.

What's the Welsh word for pub? Pub. Oh, fuck!

Alison Hammond is dead!

Oh, God, sorry, Leisa.

She's not dead. She were just on This Morning flirting with Ryan Gosling.

My pet fish Alison. She... She jumped out of the bowl.

Oh, mate, I'm sorry, but do you want to...

Sorry.

Sort of killed it?

No.

The second funeral I'd ever been to was a Viking burial for Alison.

Jules had to be there to give clearance

on anything involving a naked flame.

It's a lot, isn't it, just seeing a dead body?

It's not a dead body, Jules, it's a fish.

Sorry I walked in on you yesterday. Don't worry.

So are you now on meds which mean you can...?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's all good, yeah.

Well, we're gathered here today

to say ta-ra

to the one and only Alison Hammond.

And even though I didn't meet her personally,

from what I gather, she was very dear to very many people.

Much like her namesake!

Fuck! Fuck's sake.

Right, it's now time for our song of remembrance.

No, no, no, no. That's enough, that's quite enough. Come on.

Can we please go and get our grades, Jules, and remember

we're here in the hope of pursuing fulfilling careers, and not burying Alison!

One, two, three, four...

# In a perfect world... Oh, my God...

# In a perfect world

Is this not the Gogglebox theme tune?

# In a perfect, a perfect world

# Oh, no, no, no, in a perfect world #

# In a perfect world... # Oh, my God, no, no, no, no, no!

A 79. He gave me a 79. That's a first. It's a top grade.

A 79 is the equivalent of when a pop star dies and their album goes to number 1.

It doesn't really count if you haven't earned it. Fuck's sake!

Oh, God, Corinne, you can't always get the highest grade, all right?

You just need to chill out. I am chilled, Danny.

You are never chilled. You could lighten up.

Oh...

What have you got, Jackie?

Oh, fuck! What? I got a 2.2.

A Desmond. Nice one. Tim keeps giving me the harshest marks.

Look, this is my solution, all right?

I haven't handed any work in to Tim so he can't give me harsh marks.

Um... What a fabulous solution to not getting bollocked.

Well, if you don't like it, man up and say something.

I don't proscribe to the term "man up".

OK, I'm sorry. Stop being such an over-sensitive damp cloth, then.

I'm not a damp cloth. You are a bit wimpy. You are quite sensitive.

No-one would have called my dad a wimp,

so I plucked up the courage to confront

quite possibly the fittest man I'd ever known by name.

H...

GIVES SMALL LAUGH

How can I help you, Jack? Hi.

Well, it's just...

my mark, I...

I fear my writing style has perhaps been a bit...

undervalued.

Oh. Well, your piece was quite shite.

Right. It was wanky almost.

It needed pragmatism, OK?

Because this is a news story, all right, not a spoken word ad for a bank. Yeah?

(THINKS) He's so fit when he's being a prick.

So this week, for the court report assignment, try to keep the emotion out of it, OK?

Just report the facts. Can you do that?

Yeah, will do. And I'd like you to take a long hard look at my briefs.

What? I need you to take my briefs much more seriously.

Ideally you'd know them inside and out, OK?

Read them, study them... Sniff them.

Remember them. Briefs...

Is that OK?

Yeah. And can you tell Danny to actually hand some fucking work in, please?

Hi, guys. Hi, Ash. It's the soggy bottoms!

Danny, were you buying drugs? No!

Leave it out, will you? I am, actually.

I'm an ethical dealer, guys. I donate 20 per cent of my profits to Frank.

Exactly. It's herbal. It's basically good for you.

I'm going to bake us some edibles, and we'll all go down the pub.

What's the special occasion?

Well, I just want to get a bit high.

Yeah. Not for me. I actually wanted to get a solid start on my judiciary knowledge before we go to court.

Look, what am I always telling you about loosening up?!

I've got us a foolproof plan which means I am never going

to have to set foot inside a courtroom again.

My dad used to hotbox the back of his cab with his mates.

Legend! You need to be more like him.

Anyway, Ash, these aren't that strong, are they?

OK, fine. An edible. Yes!

I've set a timer, so... On your marks... Get set...

Go!

# ..get high like planes

# If you catch me at the border I got visas in my name

# If you come around here I make them all day

# I get one done in a second if you want

# All I want to do is...

BANGING

# And take your money, all I want to do is...

BANGING

# And a... and take your money

# All I want to do is...

Bon appetit.

# ...all I want to do... #

BANGING

MUSIC SLOWS AND DISTORTS

Do you understand? This is not theatre.

You always invented an easier way of doing uni work which was somehow genius.

Do you think Tim's going to know we've just written up

a Judge Rinder case rather than going to court?

Nah.

You haven't actually written any case notes down.

Who? You.

LAUGHS

Fuck. What? A picture tells a thousand words.

Well, Tim has a strict 500-word limit,

so you'd better get tearing that in half.

Since when have you cared about Tim's briefs, Jack?

I can't stop, Corinne. Cannot stop.

Anyone for another? Oh, yes, please.

Yes!

We are all far too...

Fucked days spent in the pub when we should have been studying

were something you were always very good at facilitating.

OK, where the fuck was my invite?

Oh, mate, I'm so sorry, but I know I was supposed to text you,

but then we all got a bit spaced out.

Fuck's sake, I said ring me, yeah? Down in one.

Bye.

Hello, babe. Mwah.

I lied to you. The Welsh word for pub isn't pub.

It's tafarn.

But I've been in England six months now.

Google translates all my web browser favourites because...

I'm losing the grasp of my mother tongue.

Look, English is my first language,

and I've only just found out today that the Dean of the uni

isn't just some legendary lad called Dean.

I was really looking forward to meeting Deano, you know.

Oh, thanks.

You always knew how to get everyone in the spirit for a big night out.

ALL SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT

But you didn't always know where your limits were.

You all right, Jackie?

I feel wonderful.

Good for you. Oh, how much are you spending?

Dunno. Student loan, innit? Fuck it, probably never pay it back.

But what about your meds? Shush.

Won't these drugs - I'm not taking my meds.

But you said - Jack, just shut the fuck up, all right?!

You're being a damp cloth AGAIN.

I should have pulled you up on this,

but you had a line, then I had a line.

Then...

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

..everyone else did too.

Love you, Yemi!

I need a tactical chunder.

Good for you. I'm proud of you.

Hey.

You all right, mate?

Yeah.

You having fun, yeah?

Yeah, I am.

I actually really am.

GLASS CHINKS

I really miss you.

I'm here, mate.

Been watching you, just checking you're OK.

Cool.

Son...

..you're going to need a poo soon.

But you're going to have to clench your bumhole really tight.

Just power on through, yeah?

Thanks, Dad.

I love you.

That's nice.

THUMPING MUSIC

All I told him to do was clench his bumhole.

I'm going to go and get some more shots, all right?

I'll be gone two minutes.

Stop it, stop it! Stop it!

COMMOTION

MUSIC BLARES

Fuck!

Hey...

Breathe. I'm all right, I'm all right. Just give me a second.

Fuck's sake. Idiot.

Just breathe.

Sorry. It's fine.

HE EXHALES

ALARM

GASPS

GROANS

GROANS

SIGHS

SIGHS

No, no, no...

Shit!

KNOCKING

Hello, my babe. Got a surprise for you.

Alison Hammond back from the dead!

Oh, my God, this place looks like a bunker!

Jack, you live in a bunker. Thanks.

And I found this on the doorstep for Danny.

Cool, just leave it over there.

GROANS

Are you hung over, my babe?

Very much so. # Whoa, dirty mother rocker!

# He's off his fucking rocker!

# Get him off a rocker, he's off his fucking rocker! #

RETCHES

And it is exhausting, and I give, and I give, don't I,

I just give it all to it because I want it.

I always knew that working in events was going to be stressful,

but it's a real opportunity to meet new and interesting people.

You throw children's parties, don't you?

A person's a person, no matter how small.

That's a quote from Dr Seuss. That's my favourite celebrity doctor.

Mm. So, where did you go last night?

Just the local pub student night. Heavy one, was it?

Yeah, we had a heavy one down the Spoons, didn't we, babe?!

Your mother, she pulled! What?!

No, I didn't. Yes, you did, you dirty scallywag.

No, I didn't. I think you'll find you did.

No, I didn't. She got chatted up by a bloke in bike shorts, right?

He was wearing actual shorts for biking in.

OK, thank you. That's enough now, Shannon.

It's just some guy asking me for a drink. Don't worry.

Oh. Hi.

Hi, my doll. Hi.

Who's this, Jack?

I'm Corinne. Corinne!

That is such a pretty name.

Ain't that such a pretty name, Pegs?

Such a pretty name.

For such a pretty girl.

Aw, that was Jack's dad's jumper.

Yeah. You look gorgeous in it.

Sorry, Mum, but you can't just visit here whenever.

Wow. That was really rude.

All right, lad?

Hello, you.

Where have you been? I stayed at Leisa's last night.

See you got a new Alison. That's good.

Danny, I did something really, really bad.

Oh, God. Not you too.

I ate a candle.

I just must have had such the munchies,

I just ate a fucking candle.

Oh, mate, that's actually the best thing you've ever done.

What was your something bad?

It doesn't matter. Oh, go on.

What was it?

Are you all right?

No, not really.

Not really at all, mate.

Um...

do you want to get some fresh air?

Yeah. Yeah, that'd be nice.

I've actually got some bed sheets I need to bury.

I binned my meds off around Christmas.

I had to put my nan into a care home, which was hard.

And then last week, I get this letter off Tim

saying I've breached my scholarship for not handing work in.

Idiot.

I just wanted to be like this normal guy at uni, do you know what I mean,

who got drunk, and high, and got fucking raging hard-ons.

Now I just want a text from my nan.

I'm sure she'll text you.

Do you know when we first met, I added you on Facebook?

Had a little snoop. Of course.

Same. And I was going through your photos, and saw you had this, like,

17th or something, had this big party in the garden

with, like, all your family, and a massive cake.

Costco cake. Got to have the cake from Costco.

I wouldn't know. I've had, like, three parties my whole life.

They've all ended in either a row, me spending the night in Margate nick,

or today, quite literally covered in my own shit.

Today? Why didn't you say something?

We could have thrown you a party. I don't want a party, mate.

I just want to get a text from my nan.

That's why I wanted to get fucked up last night,

so I could just sleep through today, because I knew

if she forgot to text, it's because she's got worse.

I didn't always know what to say,

I hadn't thought of you then as someone

who'd been struggling quite as bad as me.

Ah!

I also think I'm on a major comedown.

Think so too. I just want a double sausage egg McMuffin.

Why don't they serve them after half-ten? It's fucked.

Box came for you.

Jules would often check the uni database of all her favourite students,

and send them a birthday cake.

Fuck yes! 82!

That's what I'm fucking talking about.

See, not so bad when you actually hand it in.

Yeah, thanks, Tim. Why am I one mark off a first?

Because I can do whatever I want.

Lighten up, pal. Have a muffin.

They're all gone. Shouldn't be. There were five left after that night.

THEY CACKLE

# ..you're in my blood

# I hurt myself each time I try to give you up

# You're in my veins, you're in my blood

# All the ways that shape this love

# You're in my veins, you're in my blood

# I hurt myself each time I try to give you up

# You're in my veins, you're in my blood... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media