Original subtitles

SCHMALTZY MUSIC PLAYS

My mum wanted that first Christmas without Dad

to be as warm and loving as it ever was.

Nan got the turkey off a man in a van on Watford ring road,

who later got arrested for smuggling coke in their bum holes.

I can't believe we've still got my S Club 7 bauble.

S Club 6, hon. You stamped all over poor Paul, remember?

Well, he left the band right at their peak.

Shannon, have people forgiven S Club Jo

for the Celeb Big Brother stuff yet?

Erm, I'd say best to put her round the back of the tree.

LOUD CRASH I want a foot spa.

You've already got a foot spa.

Nan, have I already got a foot spa?

I doubt it. Your feet are fucking filthy.

Pegs, are my feet filthy? No comment.

SHE TUTS

What are you going to ask for in your letter to Santa?

Gel pens. Gel pens?

Do you reckon one day there might be a Santa out there with a big sack for you, Pegs?

No, thank you, Shannon.

Anyway, I don't like a big sack.

Laurie had quite small balls, actually.

Please don't! All the men in our family have small balls.

This was the start of me feeling inadequate about my dick and balls.

Always choose your words wisely.

Nah, don't go for him. Look, hairy nostrils.

Think... Oh, I've got that jumper! Tap him.

..confident, OK?

Remember... My dick looks exactly like that.

Oh, my God! I've got a dick-elganger.

Your dick looks nothing like that. Yeah, but...

Jack, you need to get off all the gay hook-up apps

because I heard they're being controlled by the Chinese government.

I've only just got on them, thank you, Corinne.

Listen, if you trust the Chinese Communist Party then fine

but I think they're trying to control the gays.

I think you're trying to control the gays.

Our journalism lecturers were all trendy Hackney creative types,

all in blue worker jackets and all called...

Tim. Nice to meet you all.

All right, everyone. I'm Tim.

Er, please - just call me Tim because that is my name.

I fancied all of them but especially this one.

Oh, he's so fit.

You're such a dull gay. Sometimes people don't want to know the truth.

I found that while working on the Steps-A1 sex controversy.

He's just a beard on legs.

But for this week, you're welcome.

Now, before you all go, we have a special presentation

because of sexual health awareness week.

So please welcome Jules Handy and her new assistant, Kelly.

Whoo!

Come on, Jules.

Whoo! SHE SIGHS

Chlamydia.

Gonorrhoea.

Halitosis of the foreskin.

These are all sexually transmitted infections

which an estimated one in four of you first-years will catch.

Fingers crossed. As we enter the festive season

and we'll all be bouncing up and down on Santa's knee

we must consider the importance of condoms

during all forms of sexual activity.

Even blow jobs? Yes!

Ah, a little festive blowie's all right, isn't it?

Right, Jack Rooke, I heard that. Stop interrupting.

What? That's wasn't me! Right, well, the joke's on you

because you've just volunteered to help with my contraception drive.

I didn't bloody say anything! Basically, that's where you guys come in.

Because I want all Fashion, Arts and Media students, my FAM,

to create an innovative piece of work

that's going to encourage students to look after

their willies, fannies and bum holes.

Then just before we leave for Christmas

we'll have a big showcase

with one lucky winner nabbing the grand prize of...

Hold them up. Of four tickets to the,

erm, Reading festivals!

Oh, my God! Some of my happiest memories are at Reading Festival.

I once threw a bottle of piss at Lady Sovereign.

I thought you liked Lady Sovereign.

Yeah, I do.

Bye-bye.

As soon as there was a competition at our uni,

all the art-school kids went into overdrive,

desperate to show off and make their most graphic work to date.

Ooh! What's the massive red fanny about?

It's not a massive red fanny.

It's an engorged labia caused by undetected trichomoniasis.

Yummy! Tell me more.

I'm using images of infected genitals

to create a public information theme

encouraging democratisation of knowledge about the body,

which is often skewed through a male lens.

Ugh! Sounds like porn for people who need to slap on a bit of Sudocrem.

Have you got any STIs so far this year? I wish.

It's these antidepressants. It's like I'm playing snooker with a piece of string.

I've seen you out with loads of girls.

Yeah, you love oral!

Yeah. OK.

Can I suck your cock? No, no.

Oh! You're the cunnilingus guy girls have been talking about.

All right.

Most of them don't know your name, so they just call you Head Boy.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

I don't want to be Head Boy! I want to be Dick Man!

What is the point of being at uni if you can't bang anyone?

It's just an erection, Danny. It is not just an erection.

It's an M&S erection, all right? I hate you.

Well, that's my best feature. Oh, my God.

Well, why don't you just ask your GP if you can change your meds?

Not all of them lead to impotence. All right! Inside voice.

Yeah, I know that. It's just... Or you can go to the uni therapist.

Drop in and explain what's happening. Yeah, I might give that a bash but...

Just do it, Danny, because your best feature is not your penis.

It's that sometimes you are quite kind.

All right, soppy cow. Oh, God. Fuck you.

Do you know, I didn't become a people person overnight.

You know, it takes hard work. OK, I need to go.

OK, erm, right. Here we go. OK, you two stay here.

I just need to send this parcel back to Isis.

ASOS. Oh, yeah.

Erm, OK, BRB.

Hi.

I've just restocked the king size bucket.

Everyone here must have such a massive knob.

Well, they're lying. Why would anyone lie

when the sexual health of others is at stake?

Yeah.

I wasn't getting laid

and the more I saw them dipping their hand in the jar of giant johnnies,

the more I was starting to worry that I might have a...

Small Dick, come in. Yemi, don't call me that.

Ain't nothing wrong with small. Are you minted?

Yemi promised to help me before his shift

as the local pub's bingo caller,

giving me a comprehensive masterclass

on how to take a good cock shot for the apps.

The trick is to light it from behind,

then take it either from the base to extend the visual of the shaft

or from above, like 70 degrees, to accentuate the bell.

All right. Now stay here, watch some porn, take a dick pic

and text us the results.

Oh, wait - can I make a latte?

No.

And so, as I was trying to take some flattering pics of my dick,

you were busy trying to fix yours.

Daniel. Welcome in.

You weren't...? Oh, no, no, no.

I was moving it back to "therapist".

I've told Jules I bloody hate those magnets. Come on in.

You all right? Well, apart from the fact I'm getting old,

getting divorced and being chased for my TV licence,

I'm absolutely fine.

But I've noticed that you've booked and cancelled sessions with me quite a few times,

so how can I help you?

OK, so, erm...

So I've been taking medication for depression for a few months

and I'm finding that my pills are stopping me from...

You know - getting the old...

Jehovah's stiffness.

Jehovah's...? I can't get a Kerry Katona.

A tent pole. Right.

OK. Got you.

Yeah, so basically, I just want to change my meds, you know,

just so I can start feeling myself again.

Quite literally.

Right, OK. Well, look, I'm not a doctor,

erm, but I do know that typically it's not that simple.

Coming off medication does require proper management... I know that.

But I want to do it now cos I'm 25

and I'm surrounded by all these fit students

and my dick's not working because I'm too busy trying to fix my brain.

Do you know what I mean? So, I can't keep going down on girls.

I'm getting lockjaw here. It's like a flipping Greek tragedy.

Right, OK. Erm, well, look, I'm happy to talk about

any frustrations you might be feeling

but you will need to talk to your GP about your meds.

It's going to be a gradual process of lowering your dose...

THERAPIST'S VOICE FADES ..switching and then the prospect of any new side effects...

HIGH–PITCHED TONE

Do you know what, mate? Er...

I actually don't want to talk about this.

OK. Er, yeah.

Sorry - no disrespect. I just erm...

I'm going to go. Are you sure?

Because I'm here to talk these sort of things through, mate.

Yeah. No, I am sure, yeah.

Sorry.

Ah, yes! Perfect.

Can I speak to you very quickly about your sexual health?

GIRL: Yeah.

BOY: Yeah, so I lost my virginity in fresher's week...

Hiya. All right?

Yeah.

I've been eating pineapple chunks.

Right. OK. That's good.

Mango.

Even Sharon fruit.

What the fuck's a Sharon fruit?

Well, it means I taste really, really good,

if you want to come sample later.

Ah!

OK. Er...

What's my name?

What? Lisa, tell me my name

and I'll eat your fruit salad.

Oh, gosh.

Is it Brendan? No, it's Danny.

SHE SIGHS Fuck.

OK, this is great.

What are you smiling about? Yemi's given me some pointers

and now I'm messaging Leo, 1.7km away.

He wants me to come round his for fun.

Ooh! Nice.

I'm just nervous in case... He turns out to be a murderer? No!

I'm just a virgin. Well, what would Yemi do?

He's strictly told me...

Ring the bell. Put one hand on the door frame and the other on your hip.

Kiss him once the door's immediately shut

and straightaway ask, "Where's the bathroom?"

Go upstairs and wash your willy under the warm tap

and finally pop into his bedroom to check for webcams.

Oh. OK, everybody, listen. Eyes down!

Right, OK. I'm going to stand guard outside the gaff.

If he's a weirdo, just text me the safe word, OK,

and I'll introduce him to the twins.

Pow, pow.

It's elaborate but... Mate, your safety is not elaborate to me.

All right? Now, just don't do anything I wouldn't do.

I mean, I wouldn't shag a bloke but you get what I mean.

Thanks, Danny.

What's the safe word? Er...

Tit wank? Help. Help. All right.

The safe word will be help.

You've got this. Yeah.

This was it.

DOORBELL CHIMES

OK.

And...

Brill.

So, hello, Jake.

How are you? Yeah. OLDER JACK: Don't correct him.

I'm OK, thanks. Welcome, welcome.

Er, would you like a lovely lager?

Oh, I don't really drink beer.

Ha! Nor do I.

I just bought them in case a lovely lad like you might want a lager.

Nice house, Leo. Thanks.

I live here with my wife... I.

Wi-Fi.

It's very strong. Would you like the password?

I'm good. Erm...

Do you fancy a cheeky Slush Puppy?

Fuck.

Fucking creepy, man.

Oh, bugger. Leo was clearly much older than his profile pic.

I started to worry that his name wasn't Leo

because he wouldn't respond to it.

That and all his post was addressed to Mr Matthew Rawlinson.

I'm really sorry. The DVD player's on the fritz.

Here, I tell you what. The DVD player upstairs in the spare room works very well indeed.

I've got Wankenstein.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Are you having a nice time? OLDER JACK: No.

Yip.

My mother used to stay in this room when she came to visit. Lovely.

Yeah. She died last year.

I'm sorry to hear that. Thank you.

Well, you can tell her yourself.

LEO LAUGHS

Yeah. She died in this room, peacefully in her sleep,

after watching a repeat of Come Dine With Me.

There's worse ways to go. Oh, God, yeah.

Would you like to come dine on me?

Er, I've already eaten.

Oh, you greedy boy.

Shall I get out my willy-winkle now?

I'm not sure that's necessary.

Oh, come on. I'll get my trousers off.

I guess it is quite hot. Yes, it is hot.

It is. Like a curry. Well, I wasn't thinking...

A curry? I was. Oh, I love a bhuna.

A lamb bhuna.

Erm...

Oh, God. Erm... It's really warm in here.

Is it all right if I open this window?

It's a bit stiff, Jake, like me.

Fuck knows what I was thinking but you weren't coming

and as I was assessing the height of jumping, all of a sudden...

DOORBELL Mum!

I'll just see who that is.

She's all over my willy!

Whaa!

DOORBELL CHIMES, KNOCKING AT DOOR

Run!

LEO CRYING

Run!

First I whipped out your septum piercing,

then I nearly died drinking poppers

and yesterday I spilled someone's mum's ashes all over their knob.

Honestly, mate. I think it's just hard being gay.

DOOR OPENING

I think you're accident prone. Are you sure you're not just dyspraxic?

Sorry. Where did Corinne come from?

Yemi texted. He said that you needed cheering up

because your hook-up turned out to be a really old man.

Ugh! Danny! He was!

You need to lose your virginity soon, otherwise it's just going to get in the way of your studies.

Just do what I did - lose it with your driving instructor.

Distraction out the way. But I'm not learning to drive.

Gays can't drive. We were born to be driven.

Right.

Well, that's what I tell my mum in the Peugeot.

Come on.

What did the therapist say? Er, yeah, yeah. All good.

I'm going to go home for Christmas, so I'll just talk to my GP. Yeah?

That's great. It was easy. Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, mesdames et messieurs,

please give a warm, end-of-term welcome

to your host for this evening.

Yes, that's right. It's your very own Jules Handy,

head of Student Union and Welfare Services!

APPLAUSE

That's lovely. Lovely round of applause. Thank you.

Now that we've all reached the climax

of sexual health awareness week,

it's now time to see the competition entries

for Fashion, Arts and Media.

Hit it! UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS

Are those condoms? Yes, they are.

There's a bit of a smell to them, so...

Sort of latex, sort of musky, sort of...

How did you, er, stretch them out?

The gown was made 100% organically.

Yeuch! Ugh! It's quite unpleasant.

WOMAN: We gathered student samples

to create this gorgeous spiral of yellow.

Is that real piss? Yes.

Why are all the entries so disgusting?

So let's start at the top.

Up here, as you can see, is a photo of a prolapsed anus.

No!

No way! Thank you.

Wow! Wow-ee, actually.

Oh, right. We've only got one entry left, actually, from Journalism

and it's an anonymously written article

entitled "Why the best contraception is antidepressants."

Oh.

OK.

"Everyone comes to uni to reinvent themselves.

"Very quickly people realise their talents, their weaknesses

"or even their true sexuality

"and that's why I realised..." SHE FADES

SHE SOBS "It doesn't matter how hard your dick is.

"It matters how kind you are inside."

Sorry.

If you wrote that, I hope you're proud of yourself

because you've made me cry.

Do email me afterwards at the university address because guess what else?

Congratulations - you've won four tickets to the Reading Festival.

APPLAUSE

Jack, could you play some music cos I need to have a really good cry?

MUSIC: Christmas Wrapping by The Waitresses

Does Jack know?

No.

So, as we broke up for Christmas, I went straight back home,

whereas you left going back to your nan's as late as you could.

Hello, hello!

Oh, hello, hello!

Ah, there she is. Ah!

Mm! Mm! Mwah.

Oh! Ah!

How are you, trouble? Yeah, I'm...

Are you excited for a Nigella Lawson Christmas?

Ooh! Is she coming?

No, Nan. I mean... I know, you silly sod.

I might have Alzheimer's

but I know Nigella would never lower herself to these parts.

Well, I don't know about that.

She loves a midnight pig-out, doesn't she?

I reckon she's a right dirty cow.

Ooh! NAN CHUCKLES

So, just us two this year.

Well, your dad'll come.

Oh. OK.

Just both of you behave.

Mm.

Right. I'd better get prepping us a little feast.

OK?

Me and you are going to tie one on tonight, Nan.

NAN LAUGHS

Merry Christmas, Laurie.

Merry Christmas, Laurie. Merry Christmas, Laurie. Merry Christmas, Dad.

Can I have Uncle Laurie's Aunt Bessie? Oh, go on.

He'd want you to have it.

Do you think you'll ever start dating again, Pegs?

What a question for Christmas Day!

You know Nan's neighbour, the builder, David Morgan?

He's single. Wife's divorced him for an Eastern European businessman.

Not that there's anything wrong with that

but he does have a Jaguar. Five-door. X-Type.

Heated leather seats. He's also got bigger tits than me

and he shares those Britain First posts on Facebook.

No.

Now, eat.

And that's my mate Jack.

Ooh, I'd kill for his perm.

That's Yemi. What's he wearing?

That's a harness, Nan. Yeah.

Sort of like a gay thing.

I'd love a gay friend. Yeah. I do enjoy Christopher Biggins.

Ah. At least someone does.

Right. So what time's Dad getting here?

Oh, is he coming?

You said he was yesterday.

Oh.

Did I?

Well, I don't know. OK.

Let's open a present each, shall we?

I'm ever so sorry but I ain't got you anything.

I've not been out, love. Don't be silly, Nan, all right?

Seeing you well - that's my present.

Dan, my darling.

I'm not well

and I think it's time we had that chat.

OK. So let's do a pressie. OK? That one's yours.

I've got this one from Jack to do, OK?

It's lovely! What did you get?

Er, I think it's a Sharon fruit.

I left your gift till last that Christmas,

opening it solo in case it was poppers or a pube trimmer

but it was the moment I realised you wrote that article

and you'd been keeping your meds a secret

and I just wanted to give you a big hug.

MUSIC: The Days by Patrick Wolf

♪ The days... ♪

MOBILE ALERT

♪ Passing days

♪ I see the steeple

♪ And trace to the spire

♪ And the sunset

♪ Deep in regret

♪ Phoenix in final fire

♪ And the time stops

♪ Rush hour traffic slows... ♪

Subtitles by Red Bee Media