Original subtitles

My dad died when he wasn't supposed to.

We were just at home watching Lulu do the cha-cha-cha on Strictly.

Only a two from Craig!

Pass me that phone, I'm voting.

Us older birds stick together.

At the hospice, I suspect the matron was also watching,

cos we only got the call after the scores came in.

We later found out that for those 3½ minutes,

including Lulu's rehearsal VT, no-one knew my dad had passed.

It was empty time.

A bit like a meal in a Wetherspoons that's ready for table 23,

but it's just waiting...

PHONE RINGS

..under a heat lamp...

PHONE RINGS

..becoming more tragic by the second.

SHE SOBS

THEY LAUGH

SHE SOBS

SHE LAUGHS

DRILL WHIRRS

This was the start of my mum's obsession with DIY.

HAMMER THUDS

Ta-dah!

Saw one of these in Matalan, and the fuckers wanted 15.99 for it!

So, I made me own.

Oi, oi! Oh, nice sign!

Yeah, ain't it good your mum lives so close?

SHE LAUGHS

You've got your whole life ahead of you, to LIVE it,

to have a LAUGH with some nice girls,

so that one day you'll fall in LOVE.

And I got you some Tupperware, so that you can keep your weed in.

I don't smoke! Well, should you fancy a nice big fat blunt,

like your dad did on a Saturday,

then you've now got a concealed receptacle. I'm not Dad!

It just might help you find your crowd, my babes.

Now, Danny, shall we go and erect that shelf in your room?

Whoa! Haha! Let's hope you're not the last bird in there

with a big tool in her hands! BOTH LAUGH

No offence, but you've gotta be seriously lame

if your mum is trying to make you a stoner.

Anyway, that should read "Live, laugh, love...lube."

Two-for-one in Boots, so, you know, sharing's caring.

Thanks. Actually, that's a point, do you not use,

like, a thicker lube for the old bumhole?

I don't know if we use thicker lube.

I'll do some research.

Don't worry, OK, we're gonna have you sliding in and out of fit lads

like Cantona in the '96 cup final.

JACK CHUCKLES

Au revoir.

Yoo-hoo!

Hi, guys, I just wanna say to you...

If you, if you...if you're talking then it means you're not listening.

MEGAPHONE WHINES

Erm...

CUP CLATTERS Thank you!

Erm, just to say,

welcome to this year's keh-razy Brent Uni...

JACK: Freshers fair. Where everyone tried to figure out

what else to do for three years

aside from make pesto pasta and masturbate.

In the corner there is you,

stealing all the free shit you can get your hands on,

including the charity bake sale cakes for Kony 2012.

Mostly it was just second-year drug dealers

trying to source new clients.

Yes, Jack. Look at this.

I just did a chlamydia test in exchange for a free USB stick,

this place is fucking brilliant.

Ooh, what have you got here? Don't mind if I do.

Don't steal tampons!

Well, you never know who might pop round!

We live in an age of period poverty! Put 'em back. All right.

Just a second.

Here I am at the Christian Society...

SHE CHUCKLES ..if you can guess!

I know you lot think this is a load of toss, but you know what?

These guys do a stunning free roast every Sunday

in the halls', um, common room.

So, do sign up for that lush lamb of God

from our, um, lord and saviour, Jesus Christ.

MEGAPHONE WHINES

Right! Safe Space Society, I see you over there!

Can't hide from me. Trigger warning!

DANNY GASPS And then, there it was.

The society where a group mainly existed

to arrange a minibus to a naff gay night each week.

I'd initially wanted to ignore them,

cos they all wore t-shirts that were either a bit too long

or a bit too short for my liking.

It's the LGBTYMCA society!

I'm joking, obviously!

I actually did my research last night,

and I am gonna get you some thicker lube.

Go over.

I dunno. Go on, sign up!

It feels very official.

What were you saying a couple of days ago

about not wasting your life being a little saddo?

Go on, get involved.

I knew this was my best shot of finding my crowd.

Well, Gordy's isn't... It's all right, I'm not gonna lie.

Oh, hello!

How's your...?

Erm...

Are...are you joining the LGBT society?

LGBTQIA! You gotta say all of 'em, they're there for a reason.

OK, so, tonight we're all going clubbing in London.

You coming? Oh, uh...

Actually, I haven't done much 'out' gay stuff.

Are you on Grindr?

Downloaded it, but I actually haven't used it.

Oh, come the fuck on, pretty, it's easy.

Upload a pic, choose a tribe, never give out your bank details.

What do you mean, "choose a tribe"?

OK. On the app there are different tribes for different types.

You've got your bears, big hairy blokes,

they all look like they throw barbecues, a lot.

Then you have your twinks, they tend to be quite dull.

Then your geeks.

Which is... No offence.

None taken.

Trans, leather daddies, pretty much what they say on the tin,

pos, otters, rugged... What does "pos" mean?

They're positive.

Oh, cool.

HIV positive.

Which is cool, because of an advancement in medicine

and a reduction in public stigma.

Then you have discrete, which is basically guys with wives.

Then we have... CONVERSATION FADES

Have you got any books on, like, feminism?

Or just about... HE MUMBLES

Cool.

Wow. That...is such an important book.

Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, I love female...writers.

Oh, I love women's lit.

I was actually mainly brought up by my nan,

so, yeah, don't even get me started on the female struggle.

Yeah, they're actually giving out free tampons over there, which is...

Yeah. Yeah, I think it's terrible that, you know what I mean,

you guys have to pay tax on 'em.

If was up, you know, if you ask me, you know,

you should be able to menstruate freely. And for free.

She didn't ask you, did she?

Oh, hello, Karen. It's Corinne.

See here? Corinne.

OK. Anyway, as I was just saying to...Liza... Lisa.

CORINNE STIFLES LAUGH

Thank you for correcting me, Lisa.

Erm, yeah, I think they've actually ran out

of the free tampons, but, erm...

..you're welcome to dip in to Santa's sack and help yourself

to some of mine, if you want.

Why do you have any, if they ran out?

Well...

..in case I have a female visitor and... Cool, right.

Well, in that case, surely you should be buying them in.

I mean, especially if you think that people who menstruate

should access them for free.

Yes, but just, well, just via me.

Look, my flat's having a pre-lash later,

before everyone goes Oceania in Watford.

Flat 77, any time before seven,

and maybe you can bring everyone some tampons.

I'd like that.

I've love to, I will, I promise. OK.

See you later, Lisa.

Chlamydia info guide? You know that there's a WhatsApp support group

for chlamydia sufferers on campus?

OK, thanks.

You're welcome. No need, I was just having a test,

just being safe, having a laugh.

Ooh, touchy. Hope that it's a negative outcome.

Ah, I wouldn't be so sure.

No, wait...

Fucking idiot.

You are gonna be so proud of me.

I got us invited to a halls pre-lash,

and a club night afterwards. You up for that?

I got asked to an LGBTQ night.

Listen, nobody wants you to spread your little gay wings more than me,

but this is freshers week, all right?

We've been here five days

and we still haven't made any mates in halls, please!

OK. Yes!

Although, Danny, what do the Q, I and A stand for?

Right, Q is for "queer", or "questioning."

I is for "intersex", and A is for "asexual." OR "allies". AKA...moi!

BAG THUMPS Oh, careful.

I'll basically watch anything with Rylan in it,

so, I'm a flippin' ALLY lama.

Are you sure you don't want a hand? No! Hands off! This is my stuff.

MOBILE BUZZES

LAUGHTER AND CHATTER

No.

You two are not registered in halls. You are in shed.

Halls security. An emotionally redundant man

whose main job was catching people masturbating in the laundry room.

Oh, come on, let us through...

..Ru.

Entry only for residents and signed-in guests.

Oh, please! The kids in here are my sheep,

and I'm the only thing stopping wolves like you two getting to them.

Well, this is absolute...

Bullshit!

Are you sure you're OK with me going to the queer night?

Yeah! One of us might as well have a laugh.

Oh, I just dunno how to dress.

Right, get your tightest white t-shirt,

just like, cut some slashes in it.

That's what all the gay boys in Margate do, trust me.

What will you do tonight? Fuck all, obviously.

It's just so bleak.

This must be how Anne Frank felt, you know? Just like, all cooped up.

Just waiting to be adopted.

She was hiding from the Nazis.

Nazis? What, in the dumping ground? She was trapped in an attic, Danny.

I think you mixed up The Diary of Anne Frank

with The Story of Tracy Beaker.

Yeah, I think I have.

Either way, neither of them were going out on the razz, were they?

You all right, lads?

Oh! SHE LAUGHS

Assuming it didn't go well with Lisa.

Obviously not. Thanks for checking in, though.

Well, serves you right for trying to use feminism to pick up women.

Uh, I used to let my ex sterilise her moon cup

in the same pan I did me egg-and-soldiers in.

That's disgusting! Well, that's feminism.

You shouldn't be telling me what is and isn't feminism.

Will you take a day off? Seriously!

This isn't Oxford or Cambridge, mate, all right? It's Brent.

That is very clear.

I was the only one out of my friendship group

not to get in to Oxbridge.

I was the only one in mine once not to get in to Berghain, so...

What's that?

Berghain, it's a club in Berlin.

Oh, for fuck's sake. You're the type of guy

that goes to one of the most artistic cities on earth,

just to piss up the Berlin Wall and go clubbing.

Yeah. Clubbing, the art of having fun.

Do you know what fun is? Of course I know what fucking fun is!

But I'm shockingly at uni to study,

so that I can one day make something important.

Not...dick around like these bunch of eejits.

Why are you sat outside with me,

when you could be making your something important in your room?

Well, why are you sat out here? Because I couldn't get in there.

So, I'm gonna wait for everyone to come out,

then I'm gonna tag along to the club.

SHE CHUCKLES You can't go to the club.

It's sold out.

Yeah, they've been selling tickets in halls all week, so...

Urgh! Fuck my life.

Have a good night, mate.

Look, do you guys maybe wanna...

Come tonight? No! No, they cannot. No way.

Wahey!

Eurgh, disgusting.

Yemi, quick question.

Dungarees and Birkenstocks. Underdressed, or...?

To be fair, that is quite a queer look, but no...

Right, guys! So, I'll be your designated driver for tonight,

and don't worry, I've only had four sambucas!

SHE LAUGHS

Yes, girls! Kidding! No, I'm sorry, I'm kidding.

I'm on the San Pelles, you're on the San Miguel,

let's get on down, and get a bit gay, maybe!

SHE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY She is nasty as hell.

Why are you joining us, Danny? Cos you didn't sign up for LGBT.

No, it's all because of you that I didn't get into halls,

which means I didn't get a ticket to the club night,

and I'm basically sat out on my own...

All right, I don't want your X-Factor sob story, my dear!

Well, I'm... OK.

OK. Good, yeah.

Can the Badminton Society, can you get on last?

Cos you're my first drop-off. OK.

Oh, you all right, Debs? What you doing here?

I'm bisexual. Fed up with shite blokes like you letting us down.

Hi, Karen. Oh, it's Corinne, Debs, Corinne.

Don't get your knickers in a twist, love, I couldn't care either way.

HE LAUGHS Fuck off!

JACK: It's scary going to your first gay club,

cos the vast majority are all called things

like Savage, or Envy, or Revenge.

And I'm just like, why not be called Nice To Each Other?

Or Who Cares If My Shirt's From River Island?

They Actually Do Some Quite Good Stuff.

Go on.

Oh, here she is!

Hey, coming through!

HE CHUCKLES Get inside.

Sorry, Yemi, what's this one's vibe? OK, he's straight, but...

OK, here's the singe, all right?

Gordy's is a celebratory venue for all queer people,

all kinks, fetishes, sub-groups. Gotcha.

Yeah, and we welcome allies, but this is a creche.

Any funny business, fucking around, laddy banter,

any pretending to be Louis fucking Spence,

you'll be thrown in there until your designated Dorothy takes you home.

Understood? OK. Hearing you loud and queer.

Honestly, I didn't know it was in there! Please, can you...

Whoa! No, you're out, love.

No, this is from a charity bake sale I just did!

You brought a knife to a club!

No! There's crumbs on the blade!

Shoo!

Get out, out! Get out! SHE SCREAMS

JACK: Debs actually dropped out of uni that week,

moved back to Newcastle,

and nowadays sends me Farmville requests

on Facebook every fortnight.

DANCE MUSIC

CLUBBERS WHOOP AND CHEER

Despite being a bunch of individual misfits,

we spent the whole night together.

And as Corinne got progressively wankered,

you went down an absolute storm on the dancefloor.

Hey! So, where are you from?

Eh, Margate. Sick! And do you come to London much?

Eh, yeah, to visit my cousin, Mark.

Sick! Where does he live?

West London.

I just moved west! Where in west?

Eh, do you know Wormwood Scrubs?

Wow!

Erm, Wormwood Scrubs? I've never heard of it.

It's not Rightmove, you've gotta be asked to live there, actually.

Oh, God, sick!

I know, yeah. Sorry, one sec, excuse me.

Is Wormwood Scrubs not a prison? Yeah.

SHE LAUGHS

Sick hat, my friend!

DANCE MUSIC

Listen, listen, this bit of the club is really just for me and Jack.

Why? I love this place!

This is the gay men's dark room, yeah?

It's a drippy cave, with a flicker of red light

where you can plainly see outlines of men

having a right go on each other.

Do you know what? I think this is where I actually draw the line.

You guys knock your socks and pants off, all right?

I still wanna come. Corinne, you won't be allowed in.

This is unfair discrimination!

What are you talking about? Yemi, please!

No chance, love. I wanna see some fucking cock!

JACK: Corinne was the first woman to be thrown in the creche

since Makosi from Big Brother did a personal appearance in 2006.

She's not coming out, all right?

Hey, there you are!

I googled Wormwood Scrubs, and it's a penitentiary.

Lucky for you, I'm attracted to danger...

JACKL So, in solidarity, you decided...

Oggy, oggy, oggy!

MEN: Oi, oi, oi!

SECURITY GUARD: Right, that's it. Get inside.

That was so good!

SHE LAUGHS

BOTH CHUCKLE

Can we go back to yours?

Yeah.

You call the cab, and I'll split it.

OK, yeah.

Wait, why do you wanna come back to mine?

Yeah, yeah, OK. No, that's what I thought.

JACK: No-one is ever quite prepared to smell a room

that's a mix of damp moss,

Paco Rabanne, and quite frankly...poo.

Are you OK? I just felt something wet hit my back.

MAN: Oh, sorry about that!

So, no-one touched you without consent?

No, but I saw a man put his whole arm inside a whole other man.

That's dark rooms for you.

Is it your first time?

Yeah. I'm just here with...

I'm Evan, AKA the manageress.

Jack. You'll get used to it, you know.

One day you might even want an arm inside you.

I don't know if I want an arm inside me.

Unless it's to facilitate a vital colonoscopy.

Mm. Don't worry, he'll kick in, in a bit. OK!

Look, if you're gonna do anything in that region,

just need some good poppers.

Here you are, try.

It'll just give you a tiny little headrush, that's all.

HE GROANS

Fuck!

This was it. This was me finally living a little.

VOICES DISTORTED: Noooooo!

Nooooooo!

I was right there. Come on, mate!

Aaaargh!

Sorry! It's OK. Must have been the beers.

Or is it the tablets on the table?

That's... Mm. It's OK.

Oh, Danny, it's totally cool. I've been here before, and this happens.

Come here.

Aaw, pal.

CLATTER

Fucking hell!

JACKL Yeah, my mum actually was quite shit at DIY.

I hope little Jackie's getting on OK.

God, yeah.

HE GROANS

Oh, what's going on?!

You fucking drank some poppers!

What?! You fuck... You drank poppers!

I could get into so much shit for this.

Thank God that bottle were virtually empty.

I can't taste my tongue.

Of course not, you have poppers swimming inside of your stomach!

What's wrong with you?! My nose is bleeding.

Well, I'm glad it is yours for a change.

Right, I've got you an Uber home. I am so sorry, ducky.

No! I can't get in an Uber, my dad was a black cab driver!

Your dad was not black, you liar!

OK, I understand, black cab. Get up, up, up!

JACK: After that first big Saturday night began our favourite tradition,

pretending to be Christian to get a free roast.

Oh, dear!

I just still can't believe you saw such a tiny little bottle

and thought it was drinkable.

Are you sure you don't have special powers now?

If I did, it would be for you to shut up.

Oh! He's touchy on a hangover!

Just wait, soon you'll have Jesus's meat juices

dribbling down your chin.

Guys, guys, wait up!

You know what I was thinking? I actually quite like our little shed.

Same. You know, we're sort of left to our own devices.

And if anyone tries to nick my humus,

I'll always know it's you. Uh-huh.

Oh, my God, if it ain't you guys, you're famous!

SHE LAUGHS These are for you, OK?

There you go. Oh, I really need this roast, lads.

I haven't had meat and two veg in a very long time.

Yes!

No, no, no, not you two.

Soz, Ru, but we're now children of Christ.

That's right, and you're gonna be seeing us every Sunday

at one minute past midnight, when our prayer passes become valid

and we are free to attend any party in this humble inn of God.

CHURCH BELL RINGS

JACK: And it was in this moment I realised I found my crowd,

and it was you, and Ru, and some culinary-minded Christians.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media