Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult content

Statistics show that one in every one people will eventually die.

But...it's shit when they're 56, and your dad,

and the only one who knew the Sky Movies PIN.

Now, this isn't me. I looked nothing like this at 17,

but if you can't cast yourself as better looking

in your own life-story, then what's the point?

So for all intents and purposes, we are both me.

Hi. I'm Jack.

And this is my mum, Peggy.

She's like a cross between Gwen from Gavin And Stacey

and Pam from...Gavin and Stacey,

which means she's the sort of woman who jumps when the doorbell rings.

DOORBELL RINGS What the fuck is that?!

And that first year without Dad was...weird.

Our neighbours showed that they cared

by discreetly dumping lasagnes on the doorstep,

like unwanted babies. Tracy Brooks from number 18 was my favourite,

but Mum reckoned she bought it from Costco.

Oh, keep the dish. I've plenty more.

HE SIGHS We took in 26 in total.

Then it took me 57 days to even have a wank,

mainly cos everyone kept saying things like...

He'll always be watching over you. Keeping an eye out. Looking down on you.

Poor bloke didn't even know I was a gay,

and now he could see me bash 'em out over lookalikes like Cantona.

Mum soon worried we'd comfort-eat too much,

sat on our arses watching telly, so...

..we went a bit mad in the January sales.

You all right? Ever since we'd found out Dad was ill,

me and Peggy had stuck together like Phillip Schofield

and Holly Willoughby. But...deep down, we were sad,

like Eamonn and Ruth, so we'd take it in turns

to look after each other. I'd read feminist literature

on what it's like to become an early widow,

and she'd read me the TV guide any time I had a panic attack.

"8:30 PM. Nicole Kidman has no memory of the last decade,

leaving husband Colin Firth to explain daily who he is, till a...

surretitus...

surra-..." Surreptitious!

.."surreptitious gift of a video camera

helps piece together her past."

Ahhh. That's nice.

My cousin Shannon and Nanny Bingo would often drop by

to play the ITV classic, Golden Balls, the official board game.

Deliberation...over. 20 grand's at stake.

You've each selected split or steal. On the count of three,

reveal your balls. Uno, dos, a-trefe.

SHE CACKLES That's well harsh.

It's Jack's 18th. Shannon, my son's just dropped dead with cancer.

If I wanna steal 20K, I'll steal 20K.

OK?

No-one in our family even had GCSEs,

let alone A levels. So when I got three As

and into the local uni on a journalism scholarship,

it was a big win for the team.

THEY LAUGH I knew you'd do it.

And then...

this day came...

DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE

..and I just couldn't get out of bed...

..for ages.

To cheer us up, Mum got me a fish named after my favourite journalist,

but even that wasn't enough.

Mum rang uni, who let me defer a year,

and so...I just had to wait.

FUNKY, FAST-PACED INCIDENTAL MUSIC

Careful!

ALL CHEER AND SHOUT

My dad's cab was the only thing big enough for all my stuff.

Mum had started driving it, which was very sweet,

but almost certainly illegal.

Hiya! I'm Jules!

Jules loved uni so much she got a job in the student union,

forgot she was ever studying Mandarin, and has never left.

Welcome to the best three years of your life,

and that's just for your mum. JULES LAUGHS

Can I have your name? Jack Rooke.

Jack Rooke. OK. OK, OK, OK, OK.

Erm, right. OK. Now, we do have a little bit of a situation, right.

Um, you won't be in halls straight away,

but we do have some alternative accommodation on site. OK?

Why ain't he movin' in here? No, we just need to renovate

some of the rooms because of the leaks. Leaks?!

Yeah, but don't worry. It's not water damage. Just a bit of gas.

OK, guys, do you wanna follow me? JULES LAUGHS

This way.

LIVELY, SURREAL INCIDENTAL MUSIC

All right? Right, gang.

Er, right. Have I lost you? Are you there?

There you are. SINGING: It's your first day, it's your first day!

SHE PANTS Right. Sorry.

It's actually a lot... lot further than I thought.

SHE LAUGHS Well, welcome. Bienvenue.

Han yang. SHE LAUGHS

OK? Tell me this is a fucking joke. It's a joke.

No, I'm j-... I'm joking. No, it's your accommodation.

Fuck sake!

All right. Let's get you settled in, shall we?

Oh, sorry. Um, Jack, meet, um, Danny.

Danny, meet Jack. Hello. We just thought

we'd put you two mature students together. Yeah, lovely!

I... I only deferred one year. I'm... I'm 19.

Yeah, I'm... I'm a bit older than that, but...

You're 25!Yeah! SHE LAUGHS

I know that. Have you been to Center Parcs?

It's quite Center Parcs-esque, isn't it? It's lovely. Yeah. Great. OK.

All right. Better go. No rest, work and all that.

See you later, Mum! JULES LAUGHS

PEGGY, UNENTHUSIASTICALLY: Bye. Bye!

Bloody 'ell. Here, "Jack and Danny".

Cockney rhyming slang for fanny, innit? Oh!

PEGGY AND DANNY LAUGH

ELECTRICITY BUZZES

Ah, shit!

On the scale of injustice,

this felt like when Gamu didn't get through to the live shows

on X Factor.

We decided to decorate this ex-classroom

exactly like my room at home. Mum had got the idea

off Paul O'Grady's Love Of Dogs, cos Battersea recommend it

for any newly-housed pet going through trauma.

And I just put a little bowl of Bombay mix here

in case you get any guests. Mum! No-one is gonna wanna eat Bombay mix.

Well, it's just a nice touch, innit?

LOUD, FAST-PACED ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

ROCK MUSIC PLAYING IN BACKGROUND

Before I go, I've got to give you this, from your old man, for you

on your first day at uni.

But he didn't even know if I'd get in.

Oh, come off it. We all knew you'd get in, you fucking geek.

THEY LAUGH

But, no, you're right. He did write two versions just in case.

HE SIGHS

I really do miss him, Mum.

Two years tomorrow.

SHE CHUCKLES UNSTEADILY

Mad!

I'd often try not to cry aloud. Not cos I wanted to be macho,

just cos my cry sounds like Jimmy Carr's laugh.

HE WAILS / SOBS WITH "AH, HA-HA-HA-HA" SOUND

JACK CONTINUES TO CRY WITH LAUGHING, WAILING SOUND

HE CONTINUES TO SOB

Oh, come on. This is a happy moment.

Get to know that Danny lad. Seems nice.

He looks like a Take Me Out contestant.

Well, I'd keep MY light on for him.

Ahhh, hope you meet a lovely girl here.

Be nice for you to be the one with a girlfriend for once, wouldn't it?

When I was nine, Mum winced watching Todd Grimshaw kiss Nick Tilsley

in Corrie, so I daredn't say.

Mum, will people think I fancy if I hang her above my bed instead?

Nah. Poor girl's got enough on her plate

without YOU fancying her. SHE LAUGHS

SHE GASPS / SHE AND JACK EXCLAIM Oh, my...!

Oh, shit! That's a window! Sorry about that, Danny!

Mum! Sorry, Jack's mum! Don't worry!

We've all got to de-stress somehow!

Oh, well, look, we'll have you round ours for dinner sometime!

Do you like lasagne? Yeah, I love lasagne!

DOOR CLICKS Oh, God!

Make sure you check for skid marks before you do your laundry. Yes!

And don't forget to change the fish-bowl water. Yes.

I'd hate for Alison Hammond to die in a pool of her own shit. Yes.

HE SIGHS

I love you.

You sure you're gonna be OK?

I love you too, my babe.

SHE STARTS ENGINE

And that was it.

After a year of watching Jeremy Kyle, This Morning

and Loose Women religiously together,

I'd finally left my mum.

And even though she was ten minutes up the road,

I suddenly felt a million miles from home.

SONG: If I Leave Here Tomorrow by Lynyrd Skynyrd

# If I leave here tomorrow SHE SINGS ALONG

SHE SOBS

# Would you still remember me?

HORN BEEPS Oh, mate!

You are right up my fucking arse!

# For I must be travellin'... #

JAUNTY, FUNKY INCIDENTAL MUSIC

DANNY LAUGHS

Yes, lad. You got the beers in. Like it.

Oh, no. I've got some ravioli. Oh, is it? Nice!

IN ITALIAN ACCENT: "It's Dolmio day!"

I love those guys.

Oh, mate!

I'm so sorry, what you and your mum saw.

It's fine. We weren't watching. DANNY LAUGHS

Your mum was havin' a little peek.

This is decent! Heads up. Oh, jeez. Don't really drink beer.

Ooh! Cantona, Man U. Nice!

Er, yeah. I only really know of him as an actor.

He gets his willy out in the film You And The Night.

It's very artistic.

Oh, little bit of Bombay mix! HE BEATBOXES

Don't mind if I do. Mm. Ugh!

That's rough. So, what's the POA for tonight, fresher?

What? Plan of action.

Probably have an early one. Yeah, me too.

HE CHUCKLES

You joking?

Mate, it's fresher's night. There's fit birds to meet.

Spent a long day travelling, so... What? You live in Watford!

You told me. It's, like, 15 minutes up the road.

Bruv, come on. You can't expect me to go there bareback on my tod.

I need a wingman. Sorry. I...

Not tonight.

OK. All right, cool.

Enjoy your meal-for-one.

Fuck! DOOR CLICKS

Once I was finally alone, I took on the rite of passage

destined for people like me. I went to download Grindr.

But then...

JACK'S DAD: "Little man, oh, don't be disappointed

you ain't got into uni. Probably full of tossers anyway!"

"No-one we know's gone, and WE'VE all ended up OK."

Yeah. She'd given me the wrong letter.

"I hope Shannon's tag's off now."

"So go out there, meet folk, find a job,

and here's the score."

"Get a round in." JACK'S DAD LAUGHS

"Proud always. Dad."

SONG: Don't Burst My Bubble by Small World

# Uh-oh...

BEAT BUILDS FAST AND DROPS

# Uh-oh, you're in trouble

# I step up in the game and I burst that bubble

# Uh-oh... #

That is quite a fleece. It's called a Borg jacket.

That is a fleece. It's not a fleece.

It WAS a fleece. They weren't trendy in 2013,

whereas nowadays everyone's wearing 'em.

Right. One sec. Wallet, phone, mouthwash...

Do you want some mouthwash? I'm OK.

Cool. So, what's your type, Jacky?

Like what? Blood?

Yeah, blood. No, girls!

Oh! Er, I don't really have one.

HE CHUCKLES I say that sometimes.

Right. DANNY GRUNTS

Ohhhhhh! Come on, fleecey.

And so, after a year spent mainly in bed

eating Rustlers microwave burgers and watching Tumblr porn,

I suddenly found myself surrounded... by this.

DANCE MUSIC POUNDS

GIRLS SCREAM

MUSIC CONTINUES TO BLARE AND POUND

THEY SPEAK UNDER MUSIC

There you go, bruv.

Oh, well! If it ain't Dick and Dom in the bungalow!

Free condom? Ooh, yeah. Go on.

Are you sure?

I mean, look, no pressure, but trust me,

you don't wanna be caught with no johnnies

on Brent Uni fresher's night.

I learnt the hard way back in '03.

What, you used to study here? Class of Y2K, baby.

Yeah. See, that's what this place does. It, like, led me on the path

to my dream job. Wow! Great. Look, so,

when roughly do you think we're gonna get rooms in halls?

Oh, yeah. Um, really sad to say, but defs not gonna haps.

What? Jules, you said that the shed was temporary.

Hmm... SHE LAUGHS

Fuck! But halls is, like, the best thing about uni.

Yeah. The halls here are amazing, as well.

I had the best year of my life! I mean, apart from the fact

I had to live with a jihadist, but he sort of kept himself to himself,

really. Oh, er, this is Ash. Have you met Ash?

He's my right-hand man assistant.

Caught any scamps doing drugs? No! This lot seem a good bunch.

Oh, lush. All right, crew. I'll see you later.

Oh, yes. Time for a tres sours ice pup, methinks.

See ya. MUSIC POUNDS IN BACKGROUND

You guys having fun? Er, well, we just got here, so...

Need any gear, hit me up.

Ahhh.

All I ask is for your...discretion.

OK. All right.

VOICEOVER: Aside from chatting to drug dealers, the main purpose of fresher's

seemed to be finding the fittest person to use your free condoms on.

Right. Get your best chat ready. Right. We're going over.

No. I'm OK. Come on. Please! Please D.

Never have I ever taken it up the arse.

Er, never have I ever enjoyed this game.

Never have I ever seen such a table full of treasure.

SHE LAUGHS Aye. Fuck off.

What? What's your name?

I'm Danny. Debs. These are my halls mates, Pandora and Karen.

Hello. You all right? Kar-IN!

This is Jack. Say hello, Jack. Say hello, Jack.

Hello!

You take the one on the right. No, thank you.

What? How did she hear that? I can lip-read.

Why are you looking at my lips, darling? Just always checking for gobshites, "darling".

Hey. It's this one's turn, and she is being frigid as FUCK!

SHE LAUGHS I'm not frigid!

Seriously, I'm not frigid.

Hey. She's posh totty, Danny. Oh, nice!

OK, wait. I'm actually, like...

My dad is working-class.

You can't call yourself working-class

unless you've badly burned the roof of your mouth on a Greggs.

Mm! Right. See that burn there?

Steak Bake.

Steak Bake? Yeah.

OK. I've never actually been to Greggs,

but that doesn't make me a bad person.

No-one said it did, pet. But I bet you've never put a Ginsters

in the microwave. No.

OK, wait! I've got it! Oh, my God.

Never have I ever lived somewhere with a microwave.

Er...until today.

SHE LAUGHS Guilty.

Wait. What? How'd you cook beans, then?

On the hob. Next you'll be telling us you cook eggs in the oven.

Well, if I'm making a shakshuka, then, yeah!

SHE LAUGHS What the fuck is a shakshuka?!

HAND-DRYER WHIRS

DOOR CREAKS

Oh, dear!

Caught red-handed! Right! Hand them over.

Brent uni has a very strict no-drugs policy.

No, no, no, Jules. These aren't drugs-drugs, OK?

Oh! I couldn't give a shit if it's a Tic Tac, sweetheart!

Hand 'em over, please! OK, fine. There you go.

Thank you. They're prescription. OK.

I have to take them at night-time, so... OK. What are they for?

They're antidepressants. Antidepressants...

Read it.

Um... Yeah.

Cool.

Cool, cool. Cool? SHE CHUCKLES

Soz. Soz about that. It's fine.

Um...look, if I see you out on the D-floor,

well, you can have one on me. Wicked. Cheers.

All right. Good. All right.

All right. See you later. Soz about that.

Fucking nightmare!

MUSIC: Sandstorm by Darude

MUSIC POUNDS / GLASSES CLINK

Back in the olden days, men in bars

would wear different-colour handkerchiefs in back pockets

to discreetly signify homosexuality.

Then Pesos was invented, so now it's really easy.

I'm... I'm Jack. Fancy a drink? I've... I've quite a few.

Yeah, man. Did you get ditched?

Yeah. You too? I don't get ditched.

I'm here because my flatmates forced me to come,

but I've ditched them to just...observe.

HE SIGHS So, er...

what are you observing?

A relatively cute guy also wearing my top.

Oh!

HE GASPS Oh!

You meant me.

THEY LAUGH

Oh! Oh! OK. Don't worry about it.

Oh! No, no, no, no, no. Can we go somewhere a bit more...

Romantic, this, Jack.

Sorry.

And so this was the site of my third-ever snog,

after Amy Woods on my failed Duke of Edinburgh expedition,

and some old man who mistook me for his wife in Budgens.

And as I went down south, without a clue what I was doing,

I suddenly heard...

Argh! Agh! Fuck!

What do we do? What do we do? Don't move! Don't...move!

HE HYPERVENTILATES IN PANIC Oh, my God!

Agh! Argh! Agh!

Agh! Agh! ALARM BLARES

I gave him a hug, and we got tangled.

Well, Jack, next time you wanna hug, just ask me for one.

Actually, no, don't do that, cos that could constitute as misconduct.

MUSIC POUNDS What in the fuckin' tune is this?

Oh! Funny. SHE LAUGHS

HE GASPS IN RELIEF

Yeah, mate... I'm sorry. Don't even talk to me.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER ECHOES AND DISTORTS

MUSIC BLARES / LAUGHTER CONTINUES

MUSIC BLARES AND DISTORTS

MUSIC CONTINUES IN DISTANCE / HE SNIFFS

Hoi, Jack!

Where you going, fresher? Bed!

Well, you left without your fleece!

Jack, are you crying?

No. I...

I...I just wanna be asleep before midnight.

Ooh! What happens at midnight?

I just wanna be asleep, all right? Why?

Cos this is shit!

Everyone said...uni'll be fun, but...

..the only reason I'm even here is cos I can't just

sit at home on the sofa with my mum any more.

OK. All right. Look, calm down. Just go back, all right?

Take this. Go on. Thanks, Danny.

Come on. Shakin' like a shitting dog, mate.

JACK LAUGHS Take a deep breath.

DANNY EXHALES All right?

All right, listen. If you could be doing ANYTHING right now,

what would you wanna do?

"8:50 PM. This revealing documentary explores the world

of circus children who turn serial killers."

Mmm.

Channel 5? Yes!

Obviously. I'm so good at this game.

You feeling better? Yeah.

Thanks, Danny. I just, like...

haven't really been around people much,

let alone guys,

so sometimes I just...

I don't... I don't really know how to talk to people.

Right. Imagine I'm some fit lad coming up to you, OK?

O...K.

Hi, geez. How's tricks, fella?

Um... Hello...

..you.

Tricks...

are tricky. OK.

Or you could be a bit more confident,

do you know what I mean? Bit sort of like...

"What's happenin', boss? Fancy getting your dick wet?"

Yeah! HE LAUGHS

But, er...I don't think that's gonna work for me.

OK, yeah, fair enough. You just stick with "Hello, you."

I'll stick with "Hello, you."

This was the first moment I felt I might cope at university.

The first moment my friendship with you began.

BANGING / CLATTERING

Fuck was that?

JULES SINGS DRUNKENLY Er...

Hiya, lads.

SHE SINGS / LAUGHS

Yeah, no. It's only me. Hiya. Just checkin' you're all right.

SHE LAUGHS

I just stole this fuckin' pizza!

LIGHTS BUZZ

Run!

Are you buying drugs? No! Leave it out.

Well, yeah, I am, actually. Hoi!

I feel wonderful.

# Would you like us to assign someone to wear your model

# Excuse me? # What? #

I should send this parcel back to ISIS. ASOS.

Oh, yeah.

MUSIC POUNDS

BOTH SING LOUDLY: # Fix him a vodka, he's on his fuckin' vodka... #

Just don't do anything I wouldn't do. I mean, I wouldn't shag a bloke, but you get what I mean.

# On the chaise longue, on the chaise longue

# On the chaise longue all day long

# On the chaise longue

# On the chaise longue, on the chaise longue

# On the chaise longue all day long

# On the chaise longue

# On the chaise longue, on the chaise longue

# On the chaise longue all day long

# On the chaise longue

# On the chaise longue, on the chaise longue

# On the chaise longue all day long. #

HAMMERING Oof!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media