Original subtitles

[SILENCE]

Downloaded from YTS.MX

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[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CROWD SOUNDS AND JAZZ MUSIC]

[CROWD APPLAUSE]

Hey, everybody. How are we doing? Alright good? Hey one more time for our Band.

Black Defendants. Your going to love them.

Hey, tell you what, we are going to take a few minutes away

from all this partying and rocking

And we are going to give a little bit of our time.

To our friend here, Tom Klause

who is going to say a few things about the bride and groom.

He is the best man. Give him your love. Everybody, Mr. Tom Klause,

everybody, all right?

Tommy! (applause)

Yeah, give it up for Andy, my man Andy. The band leader almost

keeping this whole thing in check.

Hey, if I do the Hokey Pokey

one more time, I'm going to fucking blow my brains out.

Dad, get some better music. Hey!

Great wedding though aside from music, cake, the bride, your suit...

I didn't think you had this many friends.

I knew this day would come.

I knew my dad would eventually divorce my mom and get remarried,

because he is a scumbag.

I, um, just saw mom last week, She-- I saw her at the Days Inn, She's doing just fine.

Hope you'd be happy about that. She's still living in a hotel.

Probably turning tricks for money.

You know, I just want to mention you spent a lot of money on this wedding, Dad,

and thanks for exhausting your bank account.

And I will be forever in student loan debt for the rest of my life.

Cindy, you are like twenty years younger than my dad.

I hope you like his old balls.

Before I leave, I have a quote from something

from someone... that I looked up on the internet. I just want to say that love is

a mirage to happiness and everyone here will die of thirst

in the desert of hope.

[CROWD BOOING]

I should have worn a condom. The little shit.

[SCARY MUSIC]

[CROWD APPLAUSE]

[ANIMAL GROWLING]

[LOUD APPLAUSE]

[LARGE GROWL AND RIPPING SOUND]

[SCREAMS]

[MORE APPLAUSE]

[GROWLING]

[GROWLING]

[PLAYFUL MUSIC]

Are you talking to me?

Are you talking to me?

I don't think you are talking to me. Are you sure you are talking to me?

You fucking talking to me? Ha ha ha ha.

[SIZZLE SOUNDS]

Uh, uh, uh.

Just one?

Alice: No Dad: Just one?

I need you healthy

I am healthy. You know that. I am in great shape.

Your cholesterol.

Oh, my cholesterol "Melesterol". Come on.

One slice of ba--

Alice: So you're a Doctor now?

One slice of bacon is not going to make a difference.

You said you wanted me to make this just so you could smell it.

Yes! and I smell it and it's delicious and all I want is just one...little taste

Just one little taste!

And you're smelling it. It will "titilize" your senses. It will be good.

Oh my senses are already being "titilized". Come one just one taste? Please.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Hey Alice.

Um, John it's your daughter.

Tell her I am broke.

Oh sweetie, I'm sorry he's a little busy right now, he can't come to the phone.

Nice try, yeah I heard him.

So, have you gotten any acting gigs lately?

Dad: (scoffs) Yeah.

Um, not not... Nothing really coming up, no.

Oh sweetie, don't worry about it. Something is going to come up soon.

Actually that is kind of why I was calling.

I'm uh, thinking about taking a little bit of a break from acting.

Alice: Oh, I am so surprised.

Yeah, um I was thinking about coming home and seeing you and dad for a little while.

Well, you know you are going to have to check with your dad about coming and staying

How long were you thinking of staying?

It would just be for a couple of months. Just a little while.

Just so I can clear my head. Get things figured out.

How long is she staying?

I'm..I'm sure we can clear that with your dad.

[SIGHS and CHUCKLES]

[DEAD DIAL TONE]

Hello? Hello?

[GLASS BREAKING]

That's my stuff!

Lady, you got an hour to clear your crap off the street, or I'm calling the sanitation.

[ALARM CLOCK]

[MUSIC]

[DOG BARKING]

[HEAVY BREATHING]

[HEAVY BREATHING]

[MONSTER ROARS]

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS AND ROARS]

[CAR SCREECHING]

[MONSTER GROWLS]

[SCREAMS]

[GLASS BREAKS]

Honey? Honey? Oh!

[SLURPS]

Ok, now uh...somebody wake up Hicks.

And where the hell is Roger? Has anybody seen Roger today?

He is supposed to be here at these meetings. I'm going to dock his pay.

We are up to item 7. Item 7. It looks like there is a rabid dog out in the east neighborhood.

You know, it is a grey Labrador. He has got a foamy mouth.

You know all the symptoms.

If you see this animal do not hesitate to put him down. Right then, right there.

[SIGHS] Yes, Doug?

Just 3 things chief, what is the dog's street name if any?

Race? And is she or he a previous offender?

Doug? I don't know this shit. Gee whiz what do you expect?

It's a rabid grey labrador with a foamy mouth.

If you encounter this animal shoot the son of a bitch right then and there.

Well, I just want to get all the facts chief so I am more capable of making a...

Can I go on, please? Can I go on?

So we are up to item 8. Item 8 is simply this. It is against all company policy to shoot

an animal who's gone up a tree and waits for rescue.

Hey, that son of a bitch was possessed.

It was either kill him or perform and exorcism. Am I right?

JAKE: Now Item 9, this is what you have all been waiting for.

The dog catcher of the year award.

We got three positions: third, second and first.

I am going to do it in order just like the olympics. Okay.

By the way, This is the most important award that the industry can give.

Ok third place... Bobby and we are going to forgive the cat.

Second place is Doug. First place is Hector Rosario! The counts are in and verified.

[CLAPPING] He has done the most dogs, cats, raccoons....

Hector, you are the dog catcher of the year. HECTOR: What?

[CLAPPING]

Do I win any money?

No, Hector. This isn't about money. It's about respect.

It's about the respect of all your fellow dog catchers.

Ok, well that is all for now. If anybody sees Roger tell him

to call me right away. Dismissed.

Hey, uh, Hector?

Um, yeah?

Congratulations.

Uh...for what?

Dog catcher of the year?

Oh, well doesn't everyone get it their first year ?

No...

No, this is the first year I never got it.

Well, uh thanks man.

It's great. It's good. [LAUGHS]

It's good. I'm happy....I hate you.

Oh God, It's all over now.

Guess I could just fall back on my old job.

So many glory holes.

Damn rabbits.

What the fuck?

[HEAVY BREATHING]

[SCREAMS]

[MONSTER ROARS]

[SCREAMS]

[MONSTER SHRIEKS]

[MONSTER ROARS]

[RIPPING SOUND]

So, how was the trip?

BRENDA: Good DAD: That is a long bus ride.

Um it was ok. Thanks.

I thought you were a Vegan?

That was last year Dad. The Vegan thing is so old. I um. Meat is where it's at now.

- I just want a little-- just a little taste. - No. No.

[JAKE]: Just a little taste. Come on, what is it going to hurt.

Dad, I want you to live a long and fruitful life. So you can't have my food.

You want me to live a long and fruitful life so I can continue to finance your continuing

eternal education.

Actually Dad, I thought of a new career path that I want to go to school for.

Brenda, I can not continue

to finance 5th, no 6th major for you B.F.A.

Dad, I know my calling.

You know what B.F.A. stands for? Better find a...what is it job. Because art is NOT a job.

Because art is not a job.

I know what I'm meant to do Dad. I know what my new career is

going to be and I know it's going to work.

What is it now?

I am going to be a poet.

You are already a failed actress, a failed opera singer, a failed painter,

and now you want to be a failed poet?

I am an artist. I am a flower and I need you to water me with your wallet.

Your your problem is that you don't know how to compromise.

I do know how to compromise, Dad.

You don't know how to compromise! If you could...If

you would compromise you would get a job. You see this napkin?

Yeah, Dad I see the napkin.

It's a napkin. What is it for? It's to wipe my face right? But with a little compromise

I can take the napkin and I can make into a hat

to keep the rain off my head. With a little more compromise I can take the napkin

and I can make it into a paper airplane. How is that? Huh?

And I can sail it down to the other end of the diner.

down to the fat toothless woman down there

who probably has all kinds of enlightening stories to tell us.

With a little more compromise, I can make it into a veil to hide the wart on my nose

from my husband until wedding night.

But in the end it is a napkin that I can wipe my face with.

And don't you think the napkin is miserable? That you're

trying to make it into something that it's not?

No, I don't think it is miserable. I think it's a

fucking napkin and it doesn't know how to think.

You are going to get a job Brenda. No, I am not.

You are going to get a job by the end of the week or you're out of the house.

You wouldn't do that to me.

I will do it to you.

Oh, so now you want to kill me?

[HORSE SOUNDS]

[MONSTER ROARS]

[MONSTER ROARS]

[HORSE WHINES]

[EATING SOUNDS]

[PLAYING FLUTE].

Don't worry it's fake I am just practicing. What can I do for you?

Here.

A job application? Shit, I was hoping for a customer.

Well, sit down. Turns out we actually have an opening this morning.

Do you have any application prior experience in this area?

Nope, and I am scared of spiders.

You never bagged a bee or captured a wombat or caught a dog or napped a cat?

Nope

Hmmm, do you have a driver's license?

Yeah, but I haven't driven in over a year.

Well, I'll tell you what. Can you put on a hat?

I guess.

You're hired. See you tomorrow.

Fuck.

[PLAYS FLUTE]

Ma'am.

Yeah, hey whatever.

Mmm, you're a good one.

(Sigh)

Hey. buddy. Let me give you a hand with that.

Oh, it's ok I can...

Oh, I insist.

[SNAP]

What?

Oh, Hector. I mean I am really sorry. You just a little superficial damage.

Nothing some glue won't fix.

You did that on purpose.

Hey, now we are a team here at Catchers in The Rye.

When one of us wins. We all win.

You know. I, you know, I won. You just have the trophy.

You know what I mean, buddy?

No, I don't.

Well, may the best man win.

[SCARY MUSIC]

Well, you know. I...I wasn't... ...really care about the trophy anyway. You know I was going to

peel the label off and um give it up as a trophy for my bowling league

that I referee in the evenings.

Bowling league?

Yeah, bowling league. You know you have a ball.. with the hole....

Hey watch it pretty boy. That ain't no bowling trophy. What that award is about is about

blood, sweat and tears and everything that goes into

the red, while and blue of old glory.

What you just told me is that you were just ready to jizz in the face of lady liberty.

Alright, just calm down.

I'll calm down when you learn to wear that hat with some dignity.

All right, listen this is just a job. You know we use to pay the bills. All Right.

I would rather be working at Applebees.

What the fuck? You're out there making a difference every day

and you would rather work at Applebees?

Look, speaking of Applebees, Let's um. Why don't we go out and have a drink?

No, fuck that. Not after what you just told me..

No, no. At this point I am ready to move to North Korea

start some secret socialist communist dance squad.

Besides, I don't drink. It takes the edge off my game.

What a loser.

[HORSES GALLOPING]

Why do we have to have a picnic out here in the woods?

Can't we..can't we have one in the Dining room or something?

What...what. what do we want to be out here for?

And fresh air?

What? What do I want fresh air for?

I have no idea.

Yeah, but instead of being out here will all the sticks and

snakes and shit. We could be at a Diner, enjoying our selves.

Well, but then again at a Diner I am not allowed to smoke.

So I mean....I don't know well..what do you want to do?

Babe! You promised me you would quit?

I did quit, I mean I am like down to 2 packs a day. What are you complaining about?

Babe?

What? I mean, all right, if I'm not going to be a smoker,

then we should definitely go to a Diner.

Well...you can't skinny dip in a restaurant.

That is true.

Turn around....turn.

Fine.

Can I turn around now?

Nope. [UNZIPPING TOP]

No peaking!

Ahh.

MAN: How about now?

GIRL: No, be patient. God.

MAN: come on, I want to see my girlfriend naked. What is the harm in that?

You have to wait!

MAN: What about now? Can I turn around now?

No, I told you no.

Jess?

Oh, now that is my kind of Easter egg hunt.

Yeah.

Jess? Jess where are you? Come on.

Oh.

Oh, I am going to play with that little puppy tail. Jess where are you at? Jess?

Jess? Jess? Jess?

I've got a big old Easter basket for you.

Jess? Jess?

Jess, I have got a surprise for you [UNZIP]

Oh! Fuck. Oh of f....

[MONSTER GROWLS]

Fuck.

[MONSTER GROWLS]

[SOUND OF A LIGHTER IGNITING]

[SCREAMS]

[CHEWING SOUNDS]

[FUNK MUSIC]

Don't liter kid.

Mayor Farnsworth?

Hey, how's it going?

Mayor? MAYOR: Hey.

Mayor? Hey mayor?

What? Can't you see that I am busy "Mayoring" her man.

It's about the stop sign on Main street.

Yeah what about it?

Uh, we don't have one. And we really need one.

We don't really need one do we? [CAR SCREECHING]

There are traffic accidents almost every week!

That is what car insurance is for man.

But...I don't think car insurance is going to cover everything.

Uh, what do I look like that I am made of stop signs. Am I like the stop sign mayor? No!

No, but Mayor, you really need to...try and do something.

Listen, check it out. Ask not what your country can do for you, ok?

Ask what you can do for your country. You selfish little girl.

All right, look, check it out. Over there in the garbage

there is a perfectly fine piece of cardboard.

You take that, and a Sharpie and you make yourself a stop sign ok?

Then you can go home, and make a list of other things

you can do for me. I mean for your country.

But but but mayor...

You know what you got more "but" than my ex-wife. And that is a lot of but.

[FUNK MUSIC]

[CAR CRASHES]

Great news, What's up man?

Great news, sir. I think we have a few more corporate sponsors for our Easter Day celebration.

Awesome, let's hear it.

Now, they do expect certain, let's just say concessions

before they donate to your campaign. I mean... donate to the town.

[LAUGHTER]

Right, man the "town". Well what do they want?

Barfing Bart's Beer and Liquor would like to set up a

taste testing booth near the High school. You know. To get to the kids early.

Get them while they're young man. Awesome idea. That is how they got me, bro.

Tell you what, while you are at it. Why don't you set up

a voter registration booth right after these taste test man.

And if there are any specially hot young voters, you send them right over to my photo booth.

Stock it up with that Patchouli incense man, because in a Goda Di Vida

don't rock so hard without the Patchouli flowing man.

What else?

Epstein' s junkyard would like to off load a few truck loads of tires.

Hmmm, tell you what, man. Send them over to the meat processing plant.

We're going to one up the Feds.

We're going to institute a "Wheels in Meals" program, dude.

Instead of having like a savage landfill.

We're going to have some ravaging belly fill bro. We're going to change the world!

You, you , you are an excellent, great humanitarian, sir.

I know. It just... Sometimes it just hurts so much man.

Well...not me but someone.

[LAUGHTER]

All right now get on out of here.

I will get right on it sir. All right, thanks man.

[BEEP SOUNDS]

[SCREAMING]

[GROWLING]

[LAUGHTER]

[BEEP SOUNDS]

[GROWLING]

Oh, I have to tweet about this.

[EATING SOUNDS]

[BEEP SOUNDS]

DOUG: Step 27, when you wear your hat always make sure it is well adjusted to intimidate.

BRENDA: Mm-hmm.

Michaelangelo had his stone and paint, but we...we deal with life and death every day.

And dog shit! Watch out!

See that. That is a land mine baby.

You know, I just saved your life. Beautiful.

You know I can remember this one time I got a call about a 387.

A 387? You guys have codes?

Well the "Corps" doesn't yet, but I do.

If Jake would just listen to reason.

I mean who has time to say stray dog when you can just say 387 Mark 6.

See, I knew you would understand. you're different.

So anyway I responded to the call and next thing I know

I found myself surrounded by 2 Pitbulls,

2 Rottweilers, 2 Bull Terriers, and and 2 Shih Tzus.

[SNICKERING]

Yeah, everyone counts out the Shih tzu,

but they're wrong. Dead wrong.

You know a Shih tzu is a lot like an 8 year old with diarrhea,

I mean you never know when it is going to go off.

But you know what saved me?

No what?

Training!

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you know I have never been to war. You know, I got it.

PTSD. Mm-hmm.

That's why I never got married.

Yeah, that's why.

[WIND BLOWING]

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

[ADVENTURE MUSIC]

[MONSTER BREATHING]

[MONSTER BREATHING]

[MONSTER BREATHING]

[SCARY MUSIC]

[MONSTER BREATHING]

[MONSTER BREATHING]

[ROARING]

[SCREAMS]

[JAW SNAPS] [EATING SOUNDS]

So why are you a dog catcher? You sound like you could be a cop.

Yeah, I tried that.

What happened?

I don't want to talk about it.

Ok, no biggie.

I said I don't want to talk about it!

Ok, you broke me down damn it! I failed the police academy.

Oh right, was it the psychological examination?

No, wait what?

Nothing.

No, what did you say?

So what happened?

It was just. it was all the guns. They sound like clowns.

Popping balloons. Pop! pop!

You're scared of loud noises?

Not so loud!

So it is not the bullets that scare you. It's the pop pop!

Hey quit it!

Oh my God, are you crying?

No! Shut up. Ahh.

[FUNK MUSIC]

[BLOWING UP INFLATABLE TOY]

I will be right with you Honey Pants.

God damn it this is not what I meant when I said I wanted a blow job.

Sir, sir?

Whoa the fuzz man. You can't come in here without an arrest warrant man..

She's at least 17 years old aren't you honey?

Sir, it's me?

Who is me, man?

Put your glasses on.

Bro! What's up man. What are you doing?

I've got some really really important news.

Well, I have got some really important nudes too right here bro.

News, sir, news.

Oh news, right right. Well listen man, can't you see that I am really busy?

I am trying to connect with my voter base man. Show her my latest "Erection Poll"

Sir, the people are being killed by something in the woods.

In the last several days we've had 5 separate massacres. Including the Amish.

Fuck the Amish man, what about the other people? Are they Democrats or Republicans?

[COWS MOOING]

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

This is Roger, Dog Catchers in the Rye. If your dog is on the

prowl, our prices to bring him back won't make you howl.

VO: Roger, it's Jake. You got to brighten that up a little bit.

Now listen. I think we got a um... Tree rat.

It's on the loose out in your sector and you got to go get it.

What the hell is a tree rat?

VO: Read the manual Roger, it's a squirrel. It's just a rat with a fancy fur coat go get it.

Why is somebody keeping a squirrel for a pet that's stupid.

VO: Roger, I don't know this shit. All I know is it's on the loose.

It's got a little tag around its neck.

You got to go find it and bring it in, that is it.

Fine!

[SCARY MUSIC]

[SQUIRREL SOUNDS]

[SQUIRREL SOUNDS]

There you go you little tree rat.

Game Over! [YELLING]

Alright, it's slap shot time.

[YELLING]

[YELLING]

[LOUD FOOT STEP]

[LOUD FOOT STEP]

[LOUD FOOT STEP]

[LOUD FOOT STEPS]

[ROAR]

[SCREAMS]

[LOUD JUMPS]

[SCREAMS]

You and me bunny. Sudden Death!

[SPLAT]

[ROARS]

[CRUNCH]

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

Ahh!

[SCREAMS]

Edmonton will rise again!

[EATING SOUNDS]

[CRYING]

What's going on?

It's Roger, he's dead. He was torn to shreds by a pack of wild dogs!

The dogs! I knew one day they would rise up!

Have they issued any demands regarding our submission?

Who the dogs?

Yes, of course the dogs! Who else would leave a note.

Do you think they will make us wear collars?

Are you kidding?

What if uh....What if it was the squirrels. I know he was on a call to capture squirrels.

So, it's finally happening.

What?

Have you ever read Animal Farm?

[SNIFFING]

Give me that!

What are you doing?

Well, if it is squirrels, I have to protect my nuts!

What are you plan on doing about Roger?

Well, I don't know Doug, what do you expect me to do about Roger?

Payback!

I'm docking your pay for that extra net Doug!

You're so funny. You're funny.

No, you're funny. No, you're funnier.

No, stop it.

You stop it. I was going to--

Why are you laughing?!

What's it to you? You think we're laughing at you?

No!

Where you?

HECTOR: No. BRENDA: Yes.

Didn't you hear about Roger?

- No. - Who?

Roger Falk!

He was the finest feline finder this side of the Delta.

He put the cat in catcher!

And my God did that man love pussy!

BRENDA: What the hell are you talking about?

What I am saying is that Roger is dead.

Or are you guys to cool for the school to care if someone lives or dies.

What happened?

Did he die of a heart attack at the bar?

[LAUGHS]

He was torn apart by wolves!

Oh my God.

How? Wolves?

Or squirrels, the jury is still out on the matter. What matters is that

the Dogs want their vengeance!

And we are all just the grocer here to collect the bill.

That is from Apocalypse Now.

That's from shut your lips "Me"!

I am surprised you saw that. I woulda thought you were much more of a Judy Garland fan.

So you recognize it to? Toto! The Wizard. You see what it all means is....

Screw you both!

You're sure he has never been on medication?

SHERIFF: So based on the evidence. I would say they were attacked by a pack of wolves.

A pack of wolves? Does this mean we are going to have to

cancel the Easter Day celebration?

Whoa whoa, folks. Excuse me man. No, no no. You misunderstood him. He said a sack of "Tolves"

"Sack of Tolves??"

Sack of tolls.

What the heck is a sack of tolls?

Sack of tools man! Get the dirt out of your ear.

How did you guys become reporters in the first place?

Man, now I know how all those scandals about me smoking weed got started.

How can a sack of tools cause this kind of destruction?

They're Amish man!

And?

Do, I have to do your job for you man?

Uh, obviously, they're making hand bags. You know, using

electrical tools. The devil's play things?

You know cut thy hand off to spite thy greed type of shit.

Do the Amish people vote?

I don't think so sir.

The Amish are a an evil people.

Who knows what kind of crazy sex drug cult they got going up there

behind the horse and buggy and wacky beards. You know? This is an obvious terror attempt man.

to over run our country and to take away our Easter Day celebration, you know...

They're trying to take away our liberty, our justice, our truth, our Easter eggs, man!

You know luckily we live in a country where people

that perpetrate this kinds of behavior are vanquished.

or hit with scud missiles. And let me tell you all right now.

If we had scud missile technology man,

There would be some funny beard wearing dudes taking cover right now, ok?

You know. But everybody just needs to "Chillax".

Chill out. Go about the weekend as you planned.

Come on down. Bring your money, tell your friends,

tell them to bring their money. Just spend and have a good time.

You know? It is not about the town anymore. It's about the God damn virtue of our nation!

Virtue of our nation, that's awesome.

Remember that one for my presidential speech.

Follow up question?

Yeah?

What's that?

[SCARY MUSIC]

Uh, decorations man. Decorations. Yeah.

Doug, can I ask you a question?

Shhh. Quiet!

No, I just have a quick question.

What?

[ROMANTIC MUSIC]

[SLURPING]

[SLURPING]

[SLURPING]

[CHEWING]

Does Hector have a girlfriend?

Well, you know. The thing about Hector -- You know is it, uh.

I don't really know if he has time for a girlfriend,

being such a high ranking Nazi.

He's not a Nazi!

Well, uh you know, regardless. He is just weird you know.

I mean you know. He has a tattoo above his ass

that says parking in rear!

How...how would you know?

Well...I. I also know that his mom doesn't like it

when he brings girls to the house, you know,

because he lives with his mother.

He lives with his mom? That is so sweet.

Well, yeah but you know she doesn't really have a problem

when I come there, and neither does Hector.

And you know, because he's uh, gay?

He's not gay!

Well...I would. I would know?

Oh.

No.

[LAUGHS] Oh, would you?

No, I mean. No. I wouldn't, I wouldn't know.

Oh.

No, I'm not. I'm not gay. You know. BRENDA: Oh.

Right.

Alright, well. I'm going to go this way and you go over there.

Sounds good. Sounds good.

Yeah, yeah.

[LOUD ROCK MUSIC]

[GROWLS]

[BURPING]

[SPLAT]

[SCREAMS]

Brenda, my love...ouch

Where are you going my love?

Oh, there you are. You came back for me.

[KEYS BEING REMOVED]

No, no! I love you!

Oh, darling. Darling what's wrong? Did you see a spider?

I saw a severed foot!

Well, maybe someone just lost it.

No, shut the fuck up.

Where are you going? No! No, I love you.

[CAR SCREECHING]

No, no, no! [CRYING]

You know, baby if you wanted to take a ride in the Doug mobile, all you had to do was ask.

I can't believe the mayor is making us move his decorations into town after work.

And why the hell did he have them delivered out here anyway?

I am guessing he stiffed the delivery guy.

Are we getting time and a half for this?

Nope, he was like "Why would you want money?" Money doesn't last.

But fame, notoriety. That you can take to the bank.

Yeah, unlike money.

So, congratulations. You are now the CEO of concierge services,

and I am V.P. of janitorial affairs.

Great, why do I keep this job again?

What's the difference between a wife and a job?

A job still sucks after 10 years.

Mayor Farnsworth is so cheap he hangs up used toilet paper to dry.

What the hell? This is the giant egg he wants us to move?

That is not going to fit in the back seat.

Oh man.

Do have some bungee straps to fit it on your roof?

We better get some kinda of bonus for this.

Are you kidding? He doesn't even tip his hat.

[SCARY MUSIC]

Oh man, the paint is still wet.

[ROARS]

[SCREAMS]

What are you doing? It's just a bunny. Kick with your legs.

Kick with your leg. Your leg!

I guess this is karma for all those chocolate rabbits I ate as a kid.

[REPORTERS MUMMERING]

All right, all right all right all right. One question at a time.

You, the broad in the front, what's up?

Mr. Mayor, what are you going to do about all the wild animal attacks that have been going on?

Wild animal attacks? More like wild rumors man.

Its just a few farm tool accidents, that's all.

Wait? A few? There has been more deaths in the past week

than there were at the toy factory fire 3 years ago.

Whoa bro! I had nothing to do with that man. Nothing to do with it.

And I am so lucky. So lucky...

that I had the place heavily insured other wise I would have lost my shirt man.

And it is bad karma so don't bring it up again dude!

Mr. Mayor, I have a photo with a victim with claw marks across his chest.

How are you going to tell me that farm tools did that?

Let me see that bro. Bring it up here.

[BLOWS] Are you high man? These are obvious rake marks.

Come on.

Haven't you ever seen the cartoon where the dude steps

on the rake and hits him in the face?

"Fwap" man, he goes down. Could you imagine if these evil

Amish people, man, are experimenting with

electronic rake technology, man? Could you imagine the mutilation, the devastation?

Well, you don't have to because this it it, bros!

Mr. Mayor how does an electronic rake put a person 20 feet into a tree?

Are you a physicist? Are you a physicist, man? It's just one of those science things, man,

that nobody knows. It's like the last number of pi or

how they get the stuffing in those Twinkies man.

It's just unanswerable.

But lucky for you all, I got a crack team of scientists working to solve the "problemo".

It's the new Farnsworth line of safety tools, man.

The ultimate in safety at only twice the price!

Check out this bubble wrap hammer.

Nothing! I didn't feel a thing. And check out my whip cream sander.

[BUZZING]

You totally remind me of a chick that was at my party last night, man.

Covered in the shit.

And we also have an edible wrench, man, made out of Jello.

It does its job, but you can also eat it man!

We're going to save the world! We are solving world hunger here, man!

Mr. Mayor, how does turning food into a wrench going to solve world hunger?

It just does, chick. Come on, roll with it. Go with it.

And where do we find these wonderful tools?

Thanks for asking Ma'am. Not just moments ago, I entered into

an exclusive agreement with the owner

of the Farnsworth hardware tool store down town

to get rid of all the current evil tools that he has, man.

and replace them with the new Farnsworth line of safety tools, you know.

And if you are in a real hurry to save your loved ones, your dog, your cat, what have you,

you can get them from me directly right now for a small

$50 shipping and handling fee per item.

But what about all the wild animals?

Problem solved. bro! Problem solved. No more questions. I'm out.

[CROWD ANGRY]

What are we going to do about this wild animal problem, bro?

We've got our best man on it, sir.

We better man. Did you see the whip cream on that chick, man? That was awesome!

JAKE VO: Hector, we need that magic boy.

The mayor is counting on you, I am counting on you.

The town is counting on you. Get these rabid dogs out of the woods, okay? Go for it.

Alright Jake, but uh, what's going on with this shitty net man?

VO: Well, I guess Doug is off his meds again.

You know he took every net out of the office.

Just do the best job you can with what you got now.

Alright, whatever.

[SCARY MUSIC]

[MONSTER BREATHING]

Oh!

[ROARS]

[GROWLING]

[ROARS]

[GROWLING]

[STABBING FLESH]

[ROARS]

[EATING SOUNDS]

What's the matter sweet pea? Boyfriend break up with you?

Hector was killed last night.

Really? Well was it a 559 Mark 4?

He was torn to shreds trying to catch those rabid dogs.

The mayor insists that it was probably

an electrical trowel that did it.

Yeah, I know it's hard, but imagine how his boyfriend must feel right now?

He was the only person in this town that I could talk to.

He was the only person I could open up to.

Now, I'm stuck in this town that I hate with a bunch of

backward hicks who think Beethoven's just a large dog.

He's not?

He understood my artistic spirt.

He had the heart of a poet just like me.

Yeah, he will be missed. After all he was the 2nd best

dog catcher that this town has ever seen.

Ow! Is that a miniature golf pencil in your pants?

Let's not talk about that.

I just know how much you like golf.

Someone needs to do something about these rabid dogs.

And being the greatest dog catcher that has graced history.

It's only natural that it should be me!

Well yeah, technically now that Hector is dead.

Actually, you are the best dog catcher.

Don't worry Brenda, I will avenge Hector's death.

Well, actually technically Timmy is pretty good. Well, actually he really is the best.

Hey, fuck you, John. I bagged a pretty big bitch last night.

Oh, yeah?

So if you're wondering where your mom went!

[ACTION MUSIC]

[GULPING DRINK]

Hey is that a new net? We don't give them away like water!

And never wear those God damn pants again!

[SQUIRREL SOUNDS]

[EATING SOUNDS]

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

[PHONE RINGING]

Dog Catchers in the Rye. We bag your dogs and never spill the mustard. How can I help you?

Out of the way, God damn it!

I'll be back for you.

Doug! What the hell is wrong with you? What are you doing?

This is it! Jesus Christ Doug?

This is it my brothers and sister. It's the apocalypse.

But there's no 4 horseman.

It's a giant fucking rabbit. I was running through the woods.

Breathless, credulous, looking for a pack of wolves.

But do you know what I found? A 50 foot cannibal rabbit!

[LAUGHTER]

JAKE (vo): Doug, Doug, you have been drinking the sterno again haven't you?

[LAUGHTER]

DOUG: Yeah laugh, laugh. It's just like high school.

I don't think that you'll all be laughing when you are burning in hell!

JAKE: Doug, you need to go home and get rest. Ok? Get home, get rest, come back tomorrow.

Home? The only home we're going to have is the holocaust

that this town is about to become.

This town is the last beacon of civilization

everything else has gone to the dogs. I have seen it.

JAKE: Doug? No, it's time for us to draw a line... JAKE: I am calling an ambulance!

It's time for us to draw a line and take a stand.

Now, who will cross the threshold and join me?

[CROWD MUMMERS]

Brenda?

Brenda, you believe me don't you? Doll face?

That we're all going to be turned into bunny brimstone?

Ah.

You're all cowards!

It's up to me to save the town.

Hey, those nets aren't free you looney!

I'm taking that out of your salary you looney!

Everyone listen to me!

[SCREAMS]

Listen to me, giant killer bunny!

Please, listen to the raving lunatic. Killer rabbit!

Soon, my friends, the end of days will be coming. Like I told.

Soon, you must repent now.

The end of days are coming soon my friend. Once men starting marrying men that was it.

It wasn't a meteors that killed the dinosaur. They all turned gay!

It is our time for extinction!

Excuse me, listen to me everyone you got to get out of here

or you else you are are all going to die!

Joyful news my friends! Salvation!

[CROWD APPLAUSE]

No, no it's not the apocalypse. It's not the rapture.

The hell mouth has opened but it's not the devil.

It's a hellish hasenpfeffer.

Exactly, like I foretold!

Really? [APPLAUSE]

No! You got to get out of here or else...!

Look! 2 men kissing!

[CROWD SCREAMS]

[DOUG SCREAMING]

Oh, come on!

You there! LIsten to me! Giant killer bunny!

[SCREAMS]

Attention, everyone this is an emergency, evacuate! Evacuate now!

Yo, shut the fuck up or I'll will come over there and beat

your ass so hard, your grand kids will bleed.

Well, what does that mean?

What the hell are you doing here? What are you banging on my door for?

Listen to me, there's a giant rabbit and it's coming right this way

and it's going to devour the whole town!

Really? Yeah!

You got a picture of it?

Well...no.

Yeah, funny now that everyone has a camera phone, Bigfoot fucking disappears!

It's because they're crafty.

Shut the fuck up! Get off my porch!

I am trying to save you!

Get the fuck off my porch!

I am your guardian angel!

Shut the fuck up or I will kill you, you son of a bitch!

[SCREAMS]

Killer rabbit! [SCREAMS]

Listen to me everybody! This is the last time that I'm warning you!

The bunny blitzkrieg is upon us!

No! no! [SCREAMS]

[THUMP]

Alright man, Welcome! I just want to say what an awesome day huh?

It's going to be an awesome day!

Alright, I want to start off by saying I am really sorry

I was completely mislead by my staff into

thinking that the recent rash of deaths were due to uh, hazardous farm tools man.

Now that we got this creep Doug Williams in custody, man. We know what's up so...

So Mr. Mayor? Are you saying it is safe to use electric farm tools again?

Well now... just to be safe. I am thinking everybody should

still use the Farnsworth line of safety tools.

Available exclusively at Farnsworth Hardware store. Ok, just to be safe now.

And uh, for a limited time only. The uh Nerf Pitchfork is

available for 30% off while supplies last.

Is there any validity to the rumors of wild animals in the woods?

Obviously, there is no giant rabbit from hell roaming the woods.

And if you believe that man, you've been smoking better shit

than I ever had, and can I get your phone number?

But the Easter holiday weekend is going to be going on as planned man!

It's going to be awesome.

Shouldn't you at least check the woods for any wild animals that

could harm the residents or hundreds

of visitors that are coming to town tomorrow?

Are you the mayor? What do you think you're the mayor?

Have you ever even elected to a publicly held office man?

Have you ever even been hall monitor, man? Come on!

[ANGRY CROWD]

Ah well, whoa whoa whoa. Alright bros, I am going to break it down.

I'm going to bottom line it right here for you, ok?

I'm not about to let some psychopathic serial killing dog catcher, man,

ruin the weekend for all the people

we got coming to our lovely little halo here for some good old American fun! Huh?

You know? A couple of cut up cub scouts, 3 squashed soap opera stars, and 1 mutilated

synchronized swimmer are not going to stop us from being

Americans, ok? And spending all of our

hard earned cash on corporate fabricated holidays such as our Easter weekend celebration, man!

Mr. Mayor, Mr. Mayor? Shouldn't you at least

provide more security or call in the state police

to make sure the event is safe?

[CROWD AGREES]

No man, I can't talk to the governor, man, ever since

I, um, puked in the punch bowl at last years gala.

Man, that is out. He is not going to take...so forget...

But listen, alright, what do you want me to do?

Hire extra security guards man? Alright, I will just raise your taxes to pay for it.

I'll just raise your taxes!

That's ridiculous! You should use the profits from Safe Tools and add more security!

[CROWD AGREES]

Man, you lame brain left wing and right wing media. You are so far to the left or right man,

you don't even know where the center is

anymore. You are so extreme, you are a bunch of Socialist

Ronald Reagan loving, Jimmy Carter adoring

Che Guevera, William F. Buckley Fascist, who think that all the Job Creators should be giving

Free love and flowers, man! So why don't you just go out and buy a gun and hug a tree!

[ANGRY CROWD]

Alright, alright. This is over, man. This is over.

But I will say one thing. Just for your peace of mind

all the employees from the Dog Catchers in the Rye are going to be roaming the woods just to

keep you safe from whatever you think is out there, ok?

And if you are related to anybody or know

anybody that is out there doing it this weekend,

they're not going to be able to talk to you until the

weekend is over. No cell phones. No personal contact so... Enjoy the weekend!

It's going to be awesome man!

[ANGRY REPORTERS]

[MUSIC]

I'm not insane, you hear me? You're all going to die!

Die! Die! You're all going to die!

Die! Die!

We are all going to die?!

Uh ha, yeah little girl, man we are all going to dye, dye, dye

Easter eggs. We are going to have fun

at dye, dye, dye Easter eggs. Mom, dad go dye. Go dye, dye, dye Easter eggs. Have fun!

Enjoy the day! It's a beautiful day!

[MUSIC]

[MONSTER BREATHING]

Rabbit!

Rabbit! Rabbit! Watch out!

Still not the craziest girl that I ever dated. Really?

BRENDA: Help! Help!

BRENDA: Rabbit!

It's a giant rabbit!

You mean that is real?

[ROARS]

[SCREAMS]

No, run!

Do something! Don't just stand there! Shoot at him!

We don't have guns, man! Guns cost money!

Oh! you must! Ahh!

Kill it, kill it.

You idiot! Get off of me!

[SCREAMS]

[ROARS]

[CRUSH SOUND]

Help! Help!

[CRUSH SOUND]

Oof!

That's the 2nd biggest rabbit I've ever seen!

Oh God, you poor bastards! [CRYING]

Dad! Alice!

Come on, baby! Squeal for Mama! That's it, oh!

[SNORTING] Oh, come on baby That's it! That's it! Wooo!

What is going on in here?!

Brenda!? Wait uh! This is not what you think it is!

But, um wait a minute, what do you think this is?

Brenda, Brenda, Brenda, wait, wait, wait. What are you doing?

At least take that bib off before you talk to me.

Alright, what are you doing?

I am getting out of this town now!

You're quitting again?

You don't understand.

Oh yes, I do! I understand perfectly well. You are quitting again.

You are doing again what you've

done all your life. Something has come up and you are leaving....

Dad! There is a huge rabbit running through this town!

That is what's bothering you? A rabbit? A rabbit?

It's a huge rabbit, Dad!

I will...I will die if I stay here!

Yeah, you'll die of boredom, right? You will die of boredom?

You know small town living isn't so bad

You know, Brenda, it's tough love! That's what it is. Some day you will thank me,

because I made you stay here and made you for once p pin your life...

Fine, fine. I will stay. Tell me where do you keep your guns?

What do you want a gun for?

It's a huge rabbit Dad, I told you!

Fine! In the gun cabinet downstairs, the keys are in the same place.

Just try not to shoot any innocent bystanders!

Yeah, fine.

And I am still mad at you by the way!

Well, what else is new?

Ready for round two! Ha ha! Get out the kielbasa!

[SNORTING and LAUGHING]

[SNORTING]

[ACTION MUSIC]

[LIGHT SWITCH]

[SIRENS]

Are you ready for action? Or are you too doped up?

Mommy, I'm ready for my sponge bath.

[SIRENS]

[GROWLING]

Damn Farnsworth Safety Gun!

[CRUNCH]

Come on! Here wear this!

What?

It makes you look yummy, ok! Now go out there and do what you do best!

Oh, masturbate. [LAUGHS]

Eww, no, no! Go kill that rabbit!

Oh, ok Santa!

Ahh my legs, my legs, my legs. Who? Is that?

Doug? is that you Doug? Doug, you got to help me!

You got to get me to a hospital! I'll be alright

if you get me to a hospital Doug! Doug!

Chief! Your legs? They walked away!

Doug! You got to help me! You got to get me to a hospital!

Doug, Doug! You got to help me!

You got to get me to a hospital! Just...you got to...

You poor saint! I'll end your suffering!

Doug! Please Doug, get me to a hospital!

Please! No! No! No Doug!

[YELLING]

[CRUSH]

[CRYING] You're in heaven now!

[CRYING]

Oh, Chief!

I'll miss you!

Now, who will stare at my dick while I steal their drinks!

And he used to look so long...

[ROARS]

[ROARS]

[GIANT FOOTSTEPS]

[GIANT FOOTSTEPS]

[ROARS]

[GUN FIRING]

[TAPPING]

What a tool!

[SIRENS]

So Brenda, how would you like to go on a date with a hero?

No! Besides, I thought you were gay.

Again?

How do you think the Rabbit got so big?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]