All language subtitles for Your.Place.Or.Mine.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.NET

-Okay, well…
-Uh, thanks for having us, Debbie.

- Bye.
- Mmm.

-You're so bad at poker.
-Yeah.

I'm actually good at other things.

Oh?

Wait, now I get it.

Mmm.

Mmm!

I can't believe-- That's so cool.
You own your own house.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I saved up for the down payment
over, you know, some time.

I put money away
through careful calculations.

Nice. Amazing.

When I destroy my life,
can I move in with you?

- Deal!
- Amazing!

-Whoa! Look at all those books!
-Yeah, I'm a big reader.

Are you? That's great. I-- Yeah,
I'm gonna be a big writer one day.

-What?
-I want to be.

Okay, I bet you will be.

How did you get to be so awesome?

You know you don't
have to say any of this?

-I'm gonna sleep with you anyway.
-Unbelievable!

I'm gonna send you
my short stories in the morning.

Great.

Mmm. I think you'll like them.

-Mm-mmm. Okay.
-Okay, I'll stop talk--

-Just be quiet now. Yeah.
-I'm sorry.

- I've actually written 23 short stories.
- Oh, God, just stop.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Happy birthday, much younger person.

What? We're the same age.

Not in lady years.

In lady years, I'm a crone,

and somehow you'll
still be considered sexy at, like, 70,

no matter how wrinkled and bald you get.

-Yeah.
-So congratulations.

I'll admit it. It's a good deal.

Oh, I got you
the greatest birthday present.

You got me a Porsche? A 356?

No, the 911 in purple, right?

Do you want coffee?

Uh, yeah, thank you.

You know what? Let me call you back.

You said you didn't need me
to bring you anything in New York,

but do you have any herb plants?

What?

You know, herb plants?
Never mind, I'll just pick some up.

You pop them in the windowsill
and then you have fresh basil or mint

anytime you need to cook with it,
or eat it, or just smell it.

Okay, Debbie, please do not bring
soil into my apartment. I'm begging you.

Big shocker, you listen
to The Cars in the morning.

- Morning, noon, and night.
- Oh, I wanted to mention,

when I'm at your place,
if you wanna have somebody over,

and you want me to get out of the way,
I can do that, so you can…

Okay, now I'm feeling uncomfortable.

Oh, please, I've seen you naked.

-Never stops being weird.
-Which is so weird.

Thank you.
I think I can control myself for one week.

You-- You never know, maybe you'll meet
someone while you're here

and we'll have
a big ol' sex party up in here.

-Uh, barf?
-Yeah, I'm sorry, that was gross.

Anyway, no chance of me meeting anybody.

As you know,
my heart is a cold, hard little stone.

I'm so glad
you're not being dramatic about it.

By the way, I am so proud of you

for being cool
about leaving Jack for a whole week.

I'm not being cool about it,
I'm having a panic attack.

He's my baby.
I've never left him for that long.

- Hey.
- Ah, the creature awakens!

-Morning.
-Morning.

- Can I eat this?
-Yes, it's gluten-free.

-Also, say hi to Peter.
-'Sup, Peter?

Hey! 'Sup, Jack-O'-Lantern?

- What?
- Oh, I'm working on nicknames. No?

No, he didn't like it.

-Go back to the drawing board on that one.
-Look at him. He's not a baby.

All right? He's gonna be fine.

It's not like you're leaving him
with a dog bowl and a chew toy.

Right? Scarlet's gonna be there.
You-- You want my opinion?

Just you saying that,
I know exactly what your opinion is.

Look, he's not my kid,
but I think Jack could use the space.

All right, notes on parenting

from a guy whose only pet
was a goldfish that died in a bong fire.

Okay, look, I'm just saying.
There's, like, helicopter parenting,

there's snowplow parenting.

What you're doing?

This is Saran Wrap parenting.

You're so tightly wrapped around this kid,
you're suffocating him!

Yes, I can track a metaphor, thanks.

Okay, how excited are you

that you and I are gonna be
in the same city for a whole week?

When's the last time
we hung out that long?

I don't know, 2008? When you left LA
because you were scared of earthquakes.

Okay, hey!

The Chino Hills Temblor was no joke!

Anyway, I know you have to go to work
and I want to give you your present

before you go.
So I was cleaning out this drawer--

You clean things out?

Occasionally, I clean things out.

And look what I found!

I know you hate mementos.

Yeah, no, I hate mementos
above all mentos.

Okay, hold on. Here's your present. Look.

I put this in the end table
the night you stayed over,

because, I don't know,
I thought it would be a keepsake

at our wedding or something.
That's how dumb I was in my 20s.

-You weren't dumb.
-I was a little bit dumb.

Anyway, the best part of the whole night
was when I took all your money!

That was the best part?

I mean, it overshadowed the sex part,
because you fled the next day.

-Wait, hold on. I did call you later.
-Yeah, you did call me later.

When you said
that you couldn't date me or anybody else

because you were,
"an unknowable piece of shit"?

Uh, mmm, there's the writer
in me right there.

Now that's a beautiful turn of phrase.

And I'm the dramatic one?

Anyway, 20 years of friendship. 20 years!
Can you believe it?

You've had the best best friend
in the entire world.

Back at you.

Have a great birthday, Peter.

I will. You're awesome.

Okay, I'll see you in a couple days.

Hey.

Geez, I thought you and Debbie
were gonna blab, like, forever.

-Yeah, I know. I'm sorry about that.
-So, what were you talking about?

-Like, just stuff.
-"Stuff"?

Okay, so your best friend,
who's a woman who I've never met,

just calls you on your birthday
and you, like, talk forever?

Okay, it's not "a girl," it's Debbie.

Okay, obviously, I'm not jealous.
I mean, look at me, but it's just weird.

Becca?

I mean, if you like each other so much,
why aren't you guys together?

Me and Debbie? Yeah, 'cause.

-Because…
-She's…

her.

And I'm me.

Uh-huh.

Oh, look at that.
Should we get to work? Uber's here.

-You look great today.
-Uh-huh.

-Okay, tonight…
-Mm-hmm.

…at the Brownstone Club,
do not tell them it's my birthday.

They'll make a big fuss out of it,
and I just want it to be you and me.

Peter…

Yes?

What happens next?

Like, wha-- After dinner?
I-- I mean, I enjoy their flan.

Yeah, no, I-- I mean with us.

I mean, we've been together
for six months, and…

I just feel like
we're not really getting any closer.

-I mean, I don't know that much about you.
-Yes, you do.

-Uh…
-I-- Look, I'll tell you anything.

I'm an open book.

Look, if this is a waste of my time,
I just want to know. Okay?

Define "waste."

You just did.

Wow.

Happy birthday.

No! Come-- Come on.

-It's over, Peter.
-It-- It's…

And she took the car.

-Okay, did you take your antihistamine?
-Check.

-Nasal spray?
-Check.

Good! Good to go!

- Morning, team! Hey!
- Oh!

Ladybugs are kicking some ass
in the garden out here.

You guys do the same. Have a great one.

- Right back at you, Zen.
- I'll be right here!

Or maybe, uh, over there.

Hey, um, I talked to Alexander's mom
about providing an alternative dessert

at the birthday party
because of all your allergies.

Okay, don't forget--

You gotta be kidding me, Mom.
That's so embarrassing.

Do you still hang out with Wade? Hi, Wade!

- Mom! No.
- What?

-What? He's one of my students!
-Gosh, you're not a teacher.

Technically, I work here.
Let me get your lunch.

Um, you guys used
to hang out all the time.

He used to come for sleepovers.

Here, let me put this in your bag.
Didn't he pee on our sofa once?

Mom!

What? He did!

-Hey, girl. Hey.
-Oh, my God, hey.

Do you want to have
some of my terrible office coffee?

-I have this.
-Oh, okay.

-But, yes, of course.
-Well, let's do it.

- Uh, so, are you packed?
- Yes, I am packed.

I have to say, I am so glad
you're finally taking a vacay.

What? A-- No, I am not going on vacay.
I have explained this to you!

I have to finish this program
before the end of the year

so that I can apply
for that open Senior Accounting position

at the Regional School District.

Oh, I love it when you say
a bunch of sexy words like that.

Yeah, I just-- I need the money.

Jack's eczema medicine
is only gonna be covered by my insurance

for the next six months,
and then it's, like…

-One thousand dollars.
-Yes!

One thousand GD dollars a month!
So, no, not a vacay.

All right, all right. Well, I just hope
that when you're in New York,

you will take time
to do something nice for yourself.

Maybe take a bath. Relax.

That's what I love to do
when I travel, I like to take a bath,

and not hear
either of my kids yell, "I'm hungry!"

Are they just always hungry?

-Well, never feed 'em, so…
-Ever?

Wait, why can't Jimmy
come here to watch Jack?

It's peak climbing season.
He has to be out there.

Oh, my God, you are so nice about him.

If my ex was a mountain climber
and spent ten months out of every year

traveling the world
with some hot 33-year-old

covered in tattoos…

Have you been looking at her Instagram?

You think I'm not gonna be looking
at Jimmy's girlfriend's Instagram account?

I mean, what are we even doing?
Who would I even be?

Look, it's fine.
It works for him, it works for me.

Besides, Jack loves
hanging out with Scarlet.

All right, well, I hope that you get
what you want out of this trip.

-Yes.
-And what you need.

You know, get your degree,
find a man, come home,

and then remodel
that ancient kitchen of yours.

I also think it's time
to get layers in your hair.

Layers, but not bangs.

Bangs are for an emergency.

Wow, you really have
all the answers to my life figured out.

Yeah, well, we're friends.

Obviously, I have
well-thought-out critiques

of every choice you've ever made.

And all the fixes.

So, if you end up going
on this Manhattan adventure

and find yourself a hottie,
might I suggest a manicure.

Maybe get waxed.
You know, spruce it up a bit.

Waxed? Oh, my--

-Oh, "waxed."
-Waxed.

Oh, well, that's just not gonna happen.

I beg of you, sir!
Please, don't hurt me!

No, no. Okay, don't--
Don't judge that. Don't judge that.

I'm gonna do it again. Okay.

I beg of you, sir, do not hurt me!

Was that good?

-Incredible.
-Hey, Scarlet.

-Hey, Deb! Um--
-What's going on?

-Well, I got an audition!
-What?

Ah, yeah! It's for a TV series
set in the '20s about this serial killer,

and I would play a maid
who gets strangled by the lead.

Okay, can I try this out? Okay.

I beg of you, sir!
Please don't hurt me!

I was being strangled.
Did you get that? How was that?

Honestly?

Nailed it.

I'm probably not gonna get this anyway
'cause I don't get anything.

Hey, you never know. Um, listen,
did you get the emails that I sent

about what to do with Jack
while I'm out of town?

-Yep, yep, yep! We're on it! Right, Jack?
-Yeah!

-Deb, I gotta say, I'm so happy for you.
-Oh!

It's, like, really cool and inspirational,

this whole accounting thing
or-- or whatever.

It's so funny
that you're a numbers person,

'cause I thought you liked books.

So, I-- Why aren't you doing
something with, like, booky-books?

Well, this degree is practical,

which is what you have to be
when you're a single mom.

Oh, right.

Right, right. Tragic.

It's just such a waste.

"A waste."

Look, we know that our consulting period
with you is up, but--

Yeah, we were just hoping

for a little more time
to get to know you better.

Guys, you know me so well.

We spent so much time together
over the last six months.

Yeah, we did, and it's been…

-It's been amazing.
-Amazing.

Um, you know, we're just wondering,
what happens next?

Next, I move on.

I'm really sorry.

Come with us.

We just-- We need a new CMO
and it should be you, it's so obvious.

-Yes!
-Guys, I'm sorry.

It's just not on the table for me.

I-- Look, look, don't be sad.

Nope. It's fine. Yeah. No, I--

This is just how it has to be.

I don't know if I like you anymore.

Oh, it's getting ugly.

I knew it was gonna get ugly.

You can, um, take my contact
and erase it from your phone.

I don't have it in my phone.

Well, then put it in your phone
and then erase it.

-He's sorry. We're sorry. He didn't--
-No, it's okay.

Listen, Peter, if this is happening,

and it clearly is,

I want to say to you,
I hope you find what you're looking for.

Happy birthday, buddy.

-You're staring.
-I know.

I-- I'm just…
I'm gonna miss you a whole lot.

Mom, you've been wanting
to go do this thing for forever.

I promise I'll be fine.

I beg of you,
sir, do not hurt me!

Um, I got the part!

-What?
-Yeah! Can you believe it?

That's amazing!

I know, I know!
I fly to Vancouver tonight!

-Oh!
-Yeah.

And I'm there for two weeks,
because even though I only have one line,

my character is in the background
of all these really important scenes.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. What is wrong with me?

I-- I rushed over here
to tell you the news,

because I love you guys so much,

and I totally forgot that, of course,
I'm supposed to be with Jack,

because I'm a selfish butthole!

-No!
-Mm-mmm.

What am I gonna do?

What are we gonna do?

It's fine. Totally fine.

Doesn't seem fine. Seems loud.

I'll finish the program next year.

They don't offer it again
until then anyway.

Well, you seem kind of bummed out.

It's okay. I'm an adult.

A big part of being an adult
is being bummed out.

A lot of the time, really.

Oh.

That's something to look forward to.

Yeah, and that's just why
you have to be careful

and you have to be cautious
all of the time.

-You're not answering?
-No, he's gonna try and lend me money.

-You don't know that.
-Yes, I do.

Hey, Peter.

Tell her
I'm not trying to lend her money.

I said that.

I'm calling because I booked
a flight, Jackity-Jack.

-Are you ready to hang?
-Please, the nicknames.

-Wait, what?
-You're right.

I'm shooting blanks with the nicknames.
We'll work on that when I get there.

-Hey, Debbie!
-Wait, what?

Oh, and I'm renting my own car,

'cause God knows whatever hell show
you're driving, I want no part of.

-Wait, what?
-You're saying "Wait, what?" a lot.

And it makes you sound kinda dumb.

-I just don't-- I don't understand.
-Well, I'm coming to LA for a week.

I'm gonna look after Jack,
and you can stay here solo.

Peter, come on.

You can't just drop everything
to come and babysit.

You have a job and a life.

I mean, I don't know about a life,
but you have a job.

Actually, I have,
uh, some time off between clients,

so we're all good there.

It's not as much fun
as us hanging out together,

but gets you what you need.

Peter, taking care of Jack
is actually a lot of work.

It-- He's allergic to a billion things,
like, he takes a bunch of medicine,

and, honestly, he doesn't have
a lot of friends right now.

Let me help. I owe you.

-Owe me?
-Yes! Where was I when Jack was born?

I was in London helping a Spanish bank

launch a sister branch in Eastern Europe.

But when my mom died,
you drove from Los Angeles

to freaking Ohio for the services.

And you picked me up from rehab
not once, but twice.

Yeah, yeah, I-- I-- I know,
I'm a really good friend,

but I-- I didn't do any of those things
expecting something in return.

Of course you didn't,

'cause you're not a monster.

You need help.

And I'm coming,

and that's that.

Okay.

He's gonna be fine, right?

Yes, it's only a week.

It's only a week!

I'm hugging a pair of pants.

Mom, come on! We're gonna be late!

-Need help?
-No, no.

I have a method.

That's how I do it.

Okay.

You know, they make these, uh,
zippy, little four-wheelers now.

You barely have to push 'em.
They call 'em "spinners."

-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah! All right. Hey.

-Ooh!
-What?

Begonias while you're begone?

Knock yourself out, Zen.

All right, good. Safe travels.

Thanks!

Yeah!

I'm gonna miss you.
I'll call you every day.

-Okay?
-All right.

-I love you!
-Bye, Mama!

Leesh!

- Oh, here's this guy.
- Look at you!

You look great!

You look, like, the same!

Yeah, I know! It's spooky, isn't it?

-Yeah!
-Yeah. Uh…

-Oh, uh, do you want this?
-Oh.

I thought you might need it.

-You look good.
-Thank you.

You still got that tall, squared-jaw,
long-eyelash vibe going on.

Some people like that.

-It was never my thing, but…
-Yup.

Anyway, it was really nice of you
to come out here to take care of Jack.

Come on, it's no sweat.
Honestly, I was between clients and, well…

It's a short-term project, right?

That's what I do. I get in,
manage things, no muss, no fuss.

I have bad news.
Kids are all muss and all fuss.

-Are they though?
-Uh, yeah.

-Very much so.
-Oh.

- Give it back!
- We'll see.

Those two, those are my girls.

Okay. Oh, fun. They look fun.

Oh, there's Jack.

All right, I think I got this.

What's up, Jackie Gleason?

Who or what is that?

No? All right, all right.

Let's blow this popsicle stand, huh?

What's a popsicle stand?

I am not entirely sure, to be honest.

Hey, you want to drive?

-No.
-You can drive the Porsche.

-I don't want to drive--
-It was this or a Lamborgh--

I know, you don't like the Porsche.
You'd rather drive the Lotus?

-What?
-All right, well…

Next time, I'll bring the Lotus,
and you can drive it.

What's a Lotus?

My mom hates convertibles, you know?
She says they roll over too easily.

Yeah, well, they're also awesome,
so that negates the rolling part.

Hey, let me ask you a question.
Those kids back there,

they were blowing you off.
What was that about?

Look, man.

I was a 13-year-old boy once, all right?

And I know I'm pretty cool now,

but when I was 13 I was basically
a walking Adam's apple with a bowl cut

and a tattered copy
of Catcher in the Rye under my arm, so…

Plus, I didn't have a dad.

He bailed on me when I was 13,

then he died three years later,
drunk in a ditch.

He was walking along the side of the road
and he just went "bloop."

Oh, my God.

So, seriously,
whatever you're going through,

I've probably seen worse,
so you can hit me with it.

-Well, give it to me, Jack Be Nimble.
-I don't even understand that one.

Look, I'm still workshopping, okay?

It's because of hockey.

Okay.

Wade and I were friends,
and we used to skate at the rink together,

but now he plays on the team and I can't.

So he hangs out with Evan, who does.

So we just stopped hanging at all.

Whoa, wait, you play hockey?
Well, Debbie never told me that.

Yeah.

I can't play basketball
'cause I'm allergic to the gym,

and I can't play baseball
'cause I'm allergic to grass.

Wait- I don't understand
why you can't play on the team

with Wade and his weaselly friend.
Oh, I'm sorry. He--

He's probably not weaselly,
but, like, he's got a weasel face.

You know? So, but--
Why can't you play on the team?

I'm too small.

Mom says it's too dangerous.

I cannot believe your mom
didn't tell me about this.

Like, she tells me everything.

But do you? Tell her everything?

Of course.

I never understood why Debbie

decided to buy a house
on the side of a whole entire hill.

Yeah.

I suppose you get used to it
after a while, huh?

No. It continues to suck.

Who lived here before you,
like, an alpaca?

- Hey!
- Hey! Oh!

Yeah! Yo, Jack.

You're the guy-- You're the dude

that's, uh, gonna be hanging
with, uh, Jack.

-Nice to meet you.
-I'm Zen.

Yeah, like the Buddhism.

I live through the gate there,
and, uh, I'm independently wealthy

due to a tech buyout.

-Of course.
-I surf in the AM.

Spend the rest of the day
here in Debbie's garden.

-What about your yard?
-My yard?

Oh, I don't do my yard,
I got a guy for that.

There he is. Hey!

- Yeah?
- Yeah!

Dude, he's so funny.

He's from Spokane.

Okay. Well, it was nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

- Okay.
- Bye, Zen.

All right, back at it.

- You didn't know about Zen?
- Nope.

So the whole thing where you and Mom
tell each other everything--

Yeah, no, we're not gonna--
That's grown-up talk.

Okay.

Did she stay up all night doing this?

Your mom's crazy.

I am well aware.

All right, let's, um…

Oh, hey!
I made it. I'm in Brooklyn.

Are-- Are you home yet?
Did you see my Post-Its?

-Yeah, they're kinda hard to miss, Deb.
-Okay.

The most important thing
is that you feed him breakfast,

then you pack his lunch,
and then you pick up his prescriptions

on the way to school.

Uh-huh.

Oh, and the other most important thing
is that you get the list

of things that he's allergic to.
It's right by the coffee maker.

-Oh! Excuse me.
-Oh, wow. Laminated. Nice.

-Oh, this one says "urgent."
-Yeah.

And I forgot to label
the nut-free nut butter.

But it's in there. It's in the… Do you--

-Yeah.
-I don't know what that is.

Oh, and Jack, Jack,
have you started your history paper?

Already started it.

Okay, that means he's done nothing, Peter.
You have to remind him.

Okay, he has to pick a thesis.

He's doing the Spanish-American War,
which is, I think, against Spain.

-Yeah, Deb?
-I'm not sure.

- Jack is okay.
- Oh, hi!

Oh, my gosh.
There are so many people here. It's crazy.

We're gonna figure out dinner.

Oh, no, you don't have to worry about it,
because I left dinner.

O-- Open the freezer.

- Wait, this also says "urgent."
- Jack loves those casseroles.

You know, I could-- I could buy dinner.

Peter, I know
that you have a lot of money,

but I really don't want you
getting him take-out,

and-- and other things that are fancy.

Yeah, okay! Homework,
and then frozen… …for dinner.

I know there's something else
I forgot to tell you.

Shoot, I forgot what I forgot to tell you.

Debbie, stop.

T-- Take a breath.

Look around.

Yeah, enjoy it.

-Call us later.
-Okay.

-You allergic to Mexican food?
-No.

Excuse me, pardon me.

Uh, um, excuse me,
I'm gonna go to Peter Coleman's.

You know, they make those
with four wheels now.

They're called "spinners."

Right, so…

Got it.

Oh, my God.

This is gorgeous.

Oh, my God.

Whoa.

What!?

By color? Really?

Oh, my God, Peter.

Wait, where are the handles?
How do you even open this?

What is this?

Oh!

That's just sad.

Peter.

They still have stickers on them.

Twenty-five dollars for a glass?
Oh, my God.

Peter.

Just because you can
doesn't mean you should.

Okay… what should we do?

Well, I have homework
that I should probably do.

God, I just got here!

What-- It's--
This is our night!

It's our occasion! We're having
a special-- We're occasioning!

-It's-- That's not a word.
-It is now!

Let's-- We can-- We can watch a movie.

Yeah, no.

We have three remotes. Uh, can I see that?

This one controls the TV
and it makes sure the DVD player isn't on.

-This one controls the sound.
-Oh, yeah, I was gonna do that.

It's all volume.

This one controls the cable
to make sure the Wi-Fi is working.

And, oh, yeah.
This one also is the receiver.

Got that sequence.

But I'm not supposed
to watch TV while I eat.

And never before homework.

You poor child.

Had I known
what was going on in this house,

I would have come a lot sooner.

Thanks.

You know, my mom always says
you're kinda irresponsible.

She calls you,
"a rolling stone that gathers no moss."

Whatever that is.

She does, huh?

Yeah, she also says
you're terrible with women.

Ah!

Ah. Your mom!

But I'm psyched you're here,
'cause you're chill.

Chill.

Oh, stop. Stop everything.
That's the movie we're gonna watch.

-Alien?
-Yeah, have you seen it?

- No, is it scary?
- It's terrifying.

Cool!

Oh, no, that's not…

Why is it so cold in here?

Heat…

Hmm…

Heat!

Oh!

Ah…

Oh! Hi.

Uh, I'm sorry, I-- I can't hear you.

You just have to point at the sensor.

Oh, my God. Thank you.

Uh…

Hi, I'm Debbie.

Wait a second. Are you the Debbie?
Peter talks about you all the time!

Oh, yeah, I guess that's me.

Um, who are you?

I'm Minka, and I am a skosh embarrassed.

I thought Peter was here
and I am not wearing anything under this.

- I figured that.
- Yeah, I feel like an idiot.

Oh, don't worry about it.

We've all done the thing where we knock
on the door half-naked for some g…

So you and Peter are…

We were. We used to.

We broke up after six months

and then he started dating
this woman Becca,

but through the careful study
of her socials,

I figured out they broke up.

So I thought I would come over and…

-So that is how you sit there.
-By the way, where is Peter?

Oh, he's staying at my place in LA.

-And I'm just here for a few days.
-Cute!

Can I buy you a drink?

No ulterior motive.

I will not ask you
why Peter is so emotionally, like, broken.

Oh, I would love that,
but, um, I'm starting classes tomorrow.

I have to get up early.
I'm doing this program, and…

-Anyway, maybe some other time.
-Yeah, sure!

I will take you to the Brownstone Club.
That's where Peter and I met.

You know, you are great.

I like you.

I dig this whole sexy, Gen-X,
Earth Mama thing you've got going on.

Thank you.

You're gonna party with Minka?

She asked if maybe I wanted
to go for a drink sometime.

- Oh, fancy!
- Right.

- Hey, what are you guys doing tonight?
- Um…

-What did we do? Um, nothing special.
-Oh, is he there?

Does he want to talk to me?

Uh, he's-- he's actually doing
his homework right now, so…

Oh! Oh, that's good.

Hey, uh, by the way, are you aware

that there is a gentleman
and his butt crack

in your yard all ding-dong day?

Oh, yeah, that's Zen.
He just-- He's around a lot.

It's, uh-- You know, he does
a really great job with the garden

and-- and so I just let him do his thing.
Um, did I not mention Zen?

Yeah. No, no, you failed to mention
that there is a man living in your yard.

Um, Peter, I just want to say thank you.
This place is amazing.

- It's just comfortable and…
- Really?

No, not really. It's very, very empty.

It looks like somebody stole
all your stuff.

Yeah, well, if they did, they brought it
all here, 'cause you have all the stuff.

Like, literally, all the things that are,
were, and ever shall be, are here.

Oh, really? Well, you don't have
a photo or a knickknack.

I don't do knickknacks.
I don't buy them, like, ever.

I have nixed the knickknacks.

Oh, by the way, your books
are all color-coded, which is…

I mean, I knew New York had changed you,
but that one hit me hard.

Yeah, my decorator did that.

That's just gross,
and I can't believe you said it out loud.

Also, you don't have any mementos from LA?

No! You know my policy on mentos.

So, let me ask you a question.

I mean, I'm not trying to pry,
but what happened with Minka?

She seems like she's your type.
She's so silky and sleek.

Okay, what? She's not an otter.

-What happened?
-I don't know. I don't--

You know me.
I probably did something to screw it up.

Oh, stop it.

Yeah, well, let the fossil record show
that I am terrible with women.

In-- In fact, some would say that I am
"a rolling stone that gathers no moss."

Uh, what?

Oh, yeah, just so you know,
your kid's a sieve, all right?

So everything you've ever said about me,
I'm about to hear.

Okay, I didn't--
I didn't say it like that.

-Okay, yeah, I-- I did. I said that.
-Yeah.

-But I think he misunderstood me.
-Yeah, I'm sure. Right, look.

It's getting late out there.
You should go to sleep.

And 'cause I have a list
of things that's a mile long

that was left here for me to do
by a crazy person.

"Goodnight,"
said the crazy person.

Say bye to Jack.
And I'll see you later on the interwebs.

I'll find you later!

-Goodnight.
-Bye.

So? Did I scar you for life?

Who cares? That was dope!
My mom would've never let me watch that.

Do I look like your mom?

For the love of God. You can't…

"Peter."

"Thank."

"You."

"So."

"Much."

"Don't screw up my kid."

Yeah.

Oh, that's so sweet!

"He's allergic
to all nuts, most legumes,

almonds, pistachios,
cashews, pecans, macadamias,

hazelnuts, walnuts, Brazilian, coconuts."

Oh.

"Sunflower butter."

Not a nut. Okay.

All right. Oranges, not on the list.

All right, need a knife…

Hey, now!

Oh, hey, man.

Hey!

-Yeah.
-What are we doing here?

I'm just… I gotta…

Holy shit.

Jack?

Okay, let's do this.

Hey, what's this thing do
besides release a genie?

It flushes out my sinuses.

Gross.

Did you make lunch?

-I'm working on it.
-What about breakfast?

You didn't make breakfast,
did you? Okay.

- Gluten-free pancakes for you.
- Thanks.

-Thank you.
-For you.

Oh, thank you.

-Can I get one of those?
-No.

-Check the laminated card.
-No.

-I'm not allergic to coffee. Come on.
-You're not drinking coffee. Let's focus.

These neti pots, and packed lunches,

breakfasts, age-appropriate movies?

Not my thing, not my strength, right?

But that's okay,
'cause I'm here to focus on you.

Okay, and my-- my work here
is very simple.

It's to teach you to tell a story
to other people about you

that is better than the story
that you tell yourself.

'Cause the stories
we tell ourselves are very limiting.

-I'm not following. What do you mean?
-Okay, example.

Look, let's take someone
we both know, your mom.

-Okay.
-Your mom is the smartest person I know.

Okay? When we first met,
she was extremely ambitious.

She wanted to be an editor,
or whatever, but then over time,

she started to believe
that she had to be practical,

and she had to be sensible,

and that is the story
that she told herself.

"Be responsible."

-So that's not your story?
-No, co--

Are we talking about me?

Do you always answer
a question with a question?

Do you always answer a question
to a question with a question?

Did you really move to New York
because of the earthquakes?

-'Cause my mom doesn't believe that.
-All right, can we stay on message here?

Okay, look, in the beginning of a rebrand,

I like to do a thing
called a "global realignment," all right?

And that is a gesture to the world,
in your case, Wade and Weasel Face…

Evan, of what you have to offer.

Today, you have to offer these.

-Seats to the Kings game?
-What are-- These aren't seats.

These are tickets to a luxury box.

Isn't that bribing them
to be friends with me?

Ah, and this is
where the rebrand comes in.

So we're gonna rebrand
the word "bribing" with "incentivization."

That's not a word.

In my line of work,
we make up the words that we need.

That's kind of sketch.

Now you're getting it.
There you go, "sketch."

-Look at-- Look at my sketch coffee.
-I really want one of those.

Hey, uh, remember,
I'm gonna pick you up after school.

-We're gonna go to that Kings game. Okay?
-Yeah, okay.

Got it. And we got the big private box
so you can invite whoever you want.

- 'Cause it's the luxury box.
- Yeah. See you after school, Peter.

We'll see you after school
when we go to the Kings game!

Yep, big game!
Let's go!

Yeah, with all that candy
and ice cream!

-Hey! Coffee?
-You buying?

Yeah. Oh! Oh, yeah, can we get
one of those, uh… the butter coffees?

- With the butter…
- He's miming.

He's miming.

Yes, he is.

-That's actually really good.
-I've been working on it.

Hi! Good morning!

Hi.

Ah, I just love new school supplies.

The smell… …of new pencils!

Isn't it great?

You know you don't have to take notes.
It's all online.

Oh, I know, but I find if I write it…

- Hello, everyone.
- …it goes in my brain…

-Welcome to Statistics in Risk Modeling.
-We'll talk later.

Now, we got a lot to cover.
So let's get started here.

First, we're going to start

by reviewing types
of modeling problems and methods,

including supervised
versus unsupervised learning.

You know, that was a lot of information.

Do you feel like sometime,
we could share notes, or…?

- Hey!
- Hey.

Oh, my God,
that class was so boring.

Oh, hi!

-How was your first class?
-It was fine.

Now, that drink we talked about,
you in the mood?

-Yeah, sure!
-Great! I'm right near you.

So, I'll come pick you up.
See you soon! Bye!

In this literature class,
prepare yourself to do a lot of reading.

We're gonna be tackling some big novels,
I'm talking about the chunky ones.

I'm talking some real door-stoppers.

In this class,
Anna Karenina is a pamphlet.

I grew up reading Uris,
and Clavell, and Michener.

Haley! Do not forget Alex Haley.

Never got over the thrill of reading
a massive book with tiny, tiny print.

Yes!

Oh, uh…

No, no, no. Sorry.

How many of you have read
Alex Haley's Autobiography of Malcolm X?

Hands? Okay…

Oh, hey, Miss Backpack! You ready?

- That was fast.
- Cute college.

Right?

I mean, I'm personally allergic to school.

After I got the master's
in differential calculus,

I was like, "Enough!"
You know? Okay, follow me.

Did you say differential calculus?

So funny. You ran, like,
right into the practice station.

Dude, it's not my fault
the lace on my right skate snapped!

Whoa! Look at these!

-Dude! Jelly beans.
-I love those! Those are my favorite!

Dude, I think this is
the cinnamon one that's super spicy.

-Really?
-You ever had the cinnamon Jolly Rancher?

-The spicy one?
-Yeah.

Oh! I love those cinnamon… spicy ones!

That's so spicy. I'm good.
I don't really like those ones.

Hey, hey, none of this stuff
is on the allergy list,

so you're good to go.

So just go nuts, have at it.

- Without eating any nuts.
- I think that's actually licorice.

Why aren't they talking to me?

- Dots!
- They will!

They will. Don't worry about it. Let's go.

We'll, hey, get a jersey or something.
Let's get our kit on. Let's go. Go, Kings!

Okay, I need a drink.

Oh, yes. Let's have a drink!

- For one, I'm so thirsty.
- I know!

Ooh!

Okay.

Wait a second.
The-- These people look really fancy.

Yeah, you have to be someone
or know someone, and I'm both.

And also kind of neither.
That's what's great about me.

Oh, wow.

Uh, I don't think I fit in here.

I mean, obviously.
But you're with me. Come on.

Thank you, Petra!

By the way, we do not
have to talk about Peter.

Oh, okay. Got it.

Honestly, bro.

-Yeah!
-I mean, he had it--

-He had it at the start, right?
-Dude!

-He literally had it--
-Guys, guys!

Did you see that last rally?

That was crazy, huh?

That was, like-- That was sketch!

Or as the Canadians would say,
that was sketch, eh?

What is he talking about?

- Just be conscious of--
- All right.

Manhattan Maiden for you.

Ooh!

And the Garden Glory for you.

Oh.

- Enjoy!
- Thank you.

Am I supposed to drink it or water it?

So how did you and Peter meet again?

Is this the part
where we don't talk about Peter?

-Mm-hmm.
-Okay.

This is that part.

Well, short story, we hooked up once,

and then he bailed, and we became friends.

And you married someone else.

- Mm, Jimmy the mountain climber.
- Mm.

Which is funny, 'cause at the time,
he felt like a safe choice for me.

-Mm.
-He was just very sure about me.

Mmm.

But, ultimately,
he wanted to go on big adventures,

and my adventures
are reading books and being a mom.

So, we realized he needed somebody
who always wanted to be by his side

and that just wasn't gonna be me.

And your love life now?

Sort of like…

wind on an open prairie, or…

footsteps in an empty attic,

or what are those…

Tumbleweeds going through
an old ghost town. Sort of like that.

Okay, we need to get on that.

Well, good luck. It's been a minute.

Oh, I know that guy.

He's a professor at my school,
the guy with the bow tie.

- Wow, the guy he is sitting with is…
- Oh, my God.

I know. He is fuego.

Oh, no, yes, that--
And that's, uh, Theo Martin.

He's the editor of Duncan Press.

Mmm.

They publish
the best contemporary fiction on earth.

Mmm, yeah.
I only listen to celebrity bios.

The Rob Lowe one is my favorite.
The first one, of course.

Theo Martin is so famous.

Also, he's yummy,
and he's sitting with someone you know.

-He's very attractive, that's true.
-So, come on.

Wait, where you going? Oh, oh… okay.
Maybe I should bring my plant.

-It's true. You know, ambitious.
-Hi! Sorry to barge over.

But we saw you from over there--

Hold on, you! You were in my class.

-You came over and I saw… Yeah, hi.
-Yeah! That was me.

I never forget a denim skirt.

Cute! That's a really cool story!
I'm Minka. This is Debbie. You are?

-Theo Martin from Duncan Press.
-Yes.

I recognized you.
I've read every Duncan Press book.

Wow. Well, not every book.
I mean, no way.

Yes, way!

Okay, 870-page tome
set on a pirate ship in the South Pacific?

Hobart's Horizon.
I read it in two days. Ahoy!

All right, spy novel set in Crete.

Oh, Ocean of Lies!
I mean, one of the best!

I kept saying for a week,
"Eímai katáskopos!"

Sorry?

-That's, um, Greek for "I am a spy."
-"I am a spy."

-Sure.
-All right, I got it, I got it.

You did not read the Dust Bowl book,
because no one read the Dust Bowl book.

Where The Rattlesnake Sings.
I-- I bought it the day it came out.

That was you? I'm pretty sure
we only sold the one copy.

That was me! I bought it!

- Wow.
- Anyway, yeah.

S-- So many vegetables.

Oh, I know, isn't this crazy?

I even said, "Oh, what? Should I get
some dip with my crudité platter?"

- It was so nice to meet you both!
- Yeah, you too.

Can I get your number, actually?

I occasionally have galleys
to give away, signed ones even.

I would love that!

Oh, my God.

Here, put in your number.

Ah.

Okay.

-Okay! Ciao, boys!
-Ciao.

- We're gonna go this way.
- OMG, he is into you!

-No, he's not.
-Uh, okay.

-He's being nice.
-No, he's not.

That is what "into you" looks like.

Oh, please!

It's cute how you like the book people,
and how you and Peter actually read books.

It's very cute.

Yeah,
we always had that in common.

We were just two
old-fashioned book lovers.

Yeah, sure.

And, well, there's the book he wrote.

-What book?
-Novel, big thing, massive.

What? No.

"What?" Yeah.

I don't believe you.

I'm telling you,
he wrote a whole big fat book.

Keeps it in an envelope in his oven.

I found it once
when I was trying to bake keto brownies,

which, by the way, do not recommend.

Two out of ten.
There's zucchini in the recipe.

Peter used to want to be a writer,
but he quit when he moved here.

He-- He doesn't write anymore.

Uh-huh. Except for the part where…

he does.

Open it.

The Boy by P. Coleman. Peter!

Wow. You're good at detective-y things.

Hold on.

Peter wrote a whole novel
and never mentioned it to me?

You should read it.

I didn't read it because it's a book.

Oh, no, I-- I can't read it.

If-- If he wanted me to read it,
he would have told me,

because we tell each other everything.

I mean, obviously, you don't.

But we do.

Okay.

See, that's the thing.
We tell each other… everything.

Mmm.

"Everything."

All right,
this is a minor setback, right?

This happens all the time
at the beginning of a project.

What we need to do is pivot, okay?
We're gonna stay with the same approach--

I don't want to talk.

Hey.

I'm sorry.

That sucked.

My problem-solving skills are…

I guess, more pertain
to the business world.

Thanks for the tickets.
I enjoyed watching the game.

Okay, you're being polite.

This is bad.

'Night.

Hey, hi.

Hey! How are you doing?

- I'm good.
- Good, good.

Wait, what's wrong? It's--
You're-- It's late where you are.

Uh, no. You know what?
It sounds echo-y there.

-Are you in the bathtub?
-No! I don't take baths.

I don't even get baths.

Right, right.

You and I tell
each other everything, right?

-No.
-What?

I took Jack to the hockey game

without asking you first, and he brought
his friends Wade and Evan.

You got Wade and Evan
to hang out with Jack?

Yes. I-- Yeah, yes.
And-- And he ate pizza.

It was gluten-free pizza,
but pizza all the same.

-Okay, Peter, I--
-I-- I'm not done.

We're not gonna eat
your casseroles, Debbie.

Uh, ever. They're gross.

Okay, thank you.
That's a refreshing amount of honesty.

I got it all out. That's it.

Look, you don't have to report
everything to me. I trust you.

-You do?
-Mostly.

- And you trust me, right?
- Of course.

So, if you ever wanted to tell me
about anything, you could, right?

Tell you? About what?

I mean, I don't know.

-Like, if you have a special project.
-You want to hear about my projects?

My point is, you can tell me anything.

Which is what I do, like, always.

Same. I mean, total honesty.

Always.

Always.

There are six
critical elements that we have to consider

when deciding which risk model to use.

Distribution of the wave functions…

Wow.

Wow.

Now, are you sure Peter
would want you to do this?

I'm doing this for Peter!

-Mmm.
-Oh, here he comes. Here he comes.

Oh, God, he is so happy
to see you. It's so cute, it's gross!

-Hi, Minka.
-Hi! Hey.

Thank you so much for coming.

Sure, don't worry about it.
I was-- It was on my way, so…

Oh, okay. Well, I wanted
to give you this manuscript.

-Ah.
-And I wanted to get it to you ASAP.

-Because I'm leaving town soon.
-Wait, is this your book?

-Did you write this?
-Oh, no, no. I didn't-- I didn't write it.

Ah, right. See, the thing is that

whenever someone
just hands me a manuscript,

it's about-- I don't know, I'd say
100% of the time basically insane.

Um, also not allowed to take submissions

unless it's from an agent
or an editor, so…

Oh, well, this is perfect
because she is the editor.

She edited-ed it.

Is that right?

Yes.

-Oh.
-I'm a, um--

I'm an edit-ed-or, but freelance.

And I read so many manuscripts
and this one is really special.

It's called The Boy.

And it's about a 13-year-old boy
whose father dies of a stroke,

and…
…through a twist of fate,

he becomes allergic to himself by…

If he touches his skin, it blisters.
I know, it sounds tragic.

But it's magical and, uh… But…

I get emotional about it, because, um…

I have a 13-year-old son and he--

-Oh, you do, really?
-Yeah.

So do I.

Max.

My son's Jack.

Wow. That's…

Yeah. I mean, I'm-- I'm divorced now, but…

So am I. Um…

Mm-hmm.

Well, I appreciate your passion, Debbie.

Um, so I will do my best
to read it as soon as possible.

Also, if there's any way
that you could read it sooner,

I'm-- I'm leaving this weekend.

Oh, there's a clock?

- No, I don't mean that--
- No, it's fine.

-It's fine. No, no, it's fine.
-You're very special and important.

I didn't mean it that way.
But I promise it's worth your time.

Okay, all right.
I'm excited to check it out.

Thank you.

- You're very welcome.
- You are…

You know what you are.

I… would like to think so, yeah.

-All right.
-Okay.

All right.

-Did I just give Theo that book?
-You did!

Now, when are you going to tell Peter?

Peter, right.

You know much about The Cars?

You know, the band The Cars?

-It's what you always play.
-Yeah.

You want to know why?

For starters, they were my dad's favorite.
So then my dad left.

As I mentioned, and you already know,
he kicked the bucket, right.

So then, for a while,
I didn't listen to The Cars at all.

I couldn't. It was, like, too painful
and just reminded me of shit-- s--

stuff that I had lost.

And one day, I heard 'em on the radio.

And their songs were still with me,
even if he wasn't.

And they always will be!

Look, you got great parents,

and you live in a nice little house

stuck in the middle of a mountain
like a ski chalet.

But I get it, you got your shit.
Everybody does. Life is hard, right?

You go-- Sometimes,
it kicks you in the teeth.

Like, I do not have my shit together.

I was gonna be a great American novelist
and find somebody to spend my life with.

And now I'm just a lonely guy
with outstanding hair

that tells other people who to be,
even though I'm not sure I know who I am.

You know?

I got an idea.

-Please no more branding. I'm begging you.
-Nope. Screw that.

We-- Now, we are moving on to action.

You…

need to play hockey with the team.

-The one that Evan and Wade are on. Yes.
-What?

Yes. If-- If you want to, I support it.

But not because you need to be friends
with those asshole kids.

And again, I'm sure they're great.

You're gonna let me
go out for the team and practice?

Yes.

Are you gonna tell Mom?

So I'm thinking maybe we tell her
when she gets back.

Thanks.

Yeah. Go learn something.

-I will.
-Mm-hmm.

All right, see you later,
Jumpin' Jack Flash.

-No.
-Nope? All right.

How's it going? You look exhausted.

Yeah, I screwed something up yesterday,
and, uh, didn't sleep last night,

but then I did--
I did a good thing today. I think.

Yeah, this whole "being
a life-changing male adult role model…"

little trickier than I anticipated.

Hmm. I think you were
just supposed to keep him alive.

In order to pass this exam,

one needs to be able
to describe specific time series models.

Including exponential smoothing…

…autoregressive,

and autoregressive
conditional heteroskedastic models.

- Would you mind taking that outside?
- Yeah, pardon me.

Thank you.

Wait, I don't understand.
What did the assistant say?

Okay, she said
to just come up and see Theo.

And thank you for coming with me,
I have no idea what to say to this guy.

I mean, who can say things
when he's smiling at you with that smile?

Right? That smile.

Okay, that's Duncan Press.

- You got this! You got this!
- Okay, very exciting.

Oh, boy.

Good morning.

Oh, hi. Uh, I'm looking for Theo Martin.

Mmm.

Oh, sorry.

-Cute.
-Oh, my God. Look at those book covers.

Oh, there you are. Welcome. Hello, Minka.

Theo.

-Debbie.
-Hi!

Sorry to have you run uptown
without much notice,

but this book, I mean, it is…
It has a lot of promise.

Oh, my God. Did you read
the whole thing already?

That's, like, a shit ton of pages!

Well, my assistant did.

She thought it had potential,
and passed it on to me,

and I gotta say, I-- I agree.

Wow.

I also see why you cried.
I may have shed a tear myself.

The dad, right?

Especially, yeah.
I mean, look, I'm very interested.

And I would--

I would really like to speak
to the author as soon as possible.

The author. You know, can I, um…

I had a really big coffee on the way here.
I just need to tinkle.

Sure, yeah. Most of the tinkling
happens right down the hall.

Okay.

-This is insane!
-I know, this place is so old school.

I smell dead people.

No, no, no! What am I doing?

I'm acting crazy!
I know I like to help friends out,

but that normally means
picking up Alicia's twins at carpool.

I have to just call Peter,
and put a hold on this.

Ew, no.

No?

You believe in Peter's book,
so why not see this through?

So, just…

Yeah! You got this, girl!

Okay. Okay, okay.

Also, no, I actually do have to pee.

Theo, I would like
to discuss the next steps.

Sure. You free for dinner?

Uh…

Uh, yes.

Yes! Sure.

Perfect.

Perfect.

Perfect!

-Uh, is that the coach?
-Yeah, that's him.

All right, you stay here.
Let me do my thing.

- Say hey to your coach.
- Hey.

-You got-- One of these yours? Yeah?
-Uh, yeah.

-That's him.
-Oh, Weasel F-- Ev-- Evan!

-That's him, yeah.
-Yeah, he's… Yup.

That's it, J-- You're good!

Are you ready?

Oh! That's it! Yep!
Yep, that's my guy! That's him.

- That's great.
- That's my guy.

I thought black was best,

since you are a bright winter.

Oh, I-- I don't need a new outfit.

Aww!

I feel terrible.
I'm about to tell a guy,

who's the most famous literary editor
in all of America,

that I gave him a manuscript
that he might want to publish,

but he possibly cannot.
And why isn't Peter calling me back?

If you can't reach Peter
before your date with Theo--

No, no, no, it's not a date.

-Let me have this!
-Okay.

I mean, I can't even stay out that late.
I have an exam tomorrow.

Shh. Try a dress on.

I'm sorry, I'm just worried
about Peter and Jack.

-Where are they?
-Try one on!

Please.

You are by far
the fastest guy out there.

New nickname, Jack Frost,
'cause you own the ice!

-'Sup, fellas!
-What's up, man?

-Great day?
-Great day, brah.

-Yes, I love that!
-Great day.

So, you ever gonna have kids?

What? I don't know.

Should I?

I mean… you're not terrible at it.

A little weird, but you don't suck.

I don't?

No.

Well, I should probably start my homework.

See ya.

Oh!

Hey-o.

Oh, for me?

Yeah. Come on, take a break.

Well, I don't-- I don't need a break.

I don't work here, so…

Yeah, I know.

Oh. All right.

-Oh, yeah.
-All right.

Yeah.

Mmm.

You know, I thought you didn't like me.

Why?
Because I've been such a jerk to you?

Yeah, that.

Ah, look, I'm sorry.

I-- I think I've just been stressed out
being responsible for a human.

You know,
I've never even taken care of, like, a…

herb plant before.

Well, dude, herb plants
can be as hard as children.

Yeah, I got--
I got a sage over by the patio,

kept me up till 3:00 a.m. last week.

I call it "plant colic."

So, you know, I get it.

Yeah, no, you get it.

-Same damn thing.
-Yup.

Yeah, actually, I feel like
I'm, uh, doing an okay job now.

Ah, that's dope, brah.

Hmm.

And so I'm sorry if I wasn't
as friendly as I could have been.

Right? 'Cause I'm-- Hey, I, actually--

I think Debbie's really lucky
to have you 'round here helping out.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm the lucky one, okay?

I mean, she is…

…amazing, you know?

Yeah. Yeah, she really is.

I mean, we've been friends
for a long time.

I mean, not as long
as she and I have been friends, so…

-Oh, no. Well, of course, I'm not--
-In years.

Right. Look.

You and Debbie, you have your thing,
which is different from our thing.

-Your thing. Yeah.
-Right! Like, you're her friend.

I'm her neighbor
and, like, part-time lover, you know?

-What was that?
-Oh, you know what?

You probably haven't noticed this
because you guys are just friends, but…

brodiddly, she is pretty hot.

Yeah.

I mean, I know, I know,
she's out of my league. I got it.

But I have a plan.

Okay? My thing is…

I just keep showing up
in her life, you know?

And then maybe, maybe,
she'll change her mind about me.

You know what I mean?

In the meantime,
I'll take friends with benefits.

I really love how the book starts.

Oh, isn't it amazing?

It reminded me of As I Lay Dying.

-Faulkner? Really?
-Mmm.

Yeah, I was thinking more Franzen.

Oh, I see that. The-- The family dynamics?

-Yeah, yeah.
-Mm-hmm.

I mean, you really--
You really found a gem.

I think I did.

The book that I have read the most
is House of Mirth.

Oh, Edith Wharton.
Very underrated social critic, I must say.

-Scathing.
-Do you like her work?

Of course!

Look, anybody who doesn't love Edie Dubs
just hasn't really read Edie Dubs.

And I cry my eyes out
every time Lily Bart dies.

Oh, I know!
And then poor Lawrence shows up

the next morning to propose.
Like, buddy, come on!

It's just a little bit late.

I took all that sleeping potion stuff
last night and I am super dead!

Yeah, sorry, but I have perished, mon ami.

But looked gorgeous doing it.

Do you know what Walt Whitman
said about the Brooklyn Bridge?

No, tell me.

He said, "It was the best
and most effective medicine

my soul has yet partaken."

That's a really great quote.

Sadly, that's the Manhattan Bridge.

Good quote, though.

-And I-- I knew that.
-I figured. I thought you did.

-I just wanted to see if you knew that.
-Right, right.

-So, clearly you're very smart.
-Yeah. This is, I must say, going well.

- It was a test!
- Did I pass?

Yes!

Well, I'm-- I'm gonna talk
to the writer about that manuscript.

Oh, perfect. Great!

-Yeah.
-I was gonna…

So, um…

And, um, I can't--
I forgot whether or not you…

Did you have a cappuccino
at the restaurant?

Oh, yeah. Yes, you ordered it for me.

Oh, okay!

Yeah.

Um, this is the part where…
This is the part, right?

-I think so.
-Okay.

Let's… Yeah.

Okay, great.

Wow, nice place! Airbnb?

Uh… Uh, yeah.

It's funny how they're always
so devoid of personality, right?

Yes!

Oh, come on, who--
who sorts books by color?

-Honestly?
-That is what I said!

Um, so I don't have a lot of food,

um, but I do have Champagne.

And as a wise person said once,
too much of anything is bad,

but too much Champagne is just right.

Ah. Mark Twain, right?

Yes! Must have been
a big boozer, that guy.

Mm-hmm. That's what I heard.

Should I do the honors?

Please.

Oh.

Don't mind if I do.

Who was
in the Spanish-American War?

The Spanish and the Americans.

You okay?

Yup.

-This view, it just…
-I know. It's just awful, isn't it?

It won't do, it's terrible!

-Can I, um…
-Yes.

Oh.

Oh, oh. Um…

-The windows.
-Windows?

-Yeah.
-Yeah, curtains. Right. Um…

-They're probably some digital…
-Yeah, I don't…

-Oh.
-Yeah.

-This thing is very tricky.
-I got it, it's probably pretty simple.

Oh! Oh, that is…

No, that happened before.

-Okay. The…
-You have to aim it at the sensor.

-I have no idea.
-Is there-- Is that an actual thing?

Yeah.

All right. Maybe… that way?

-Oh.
-All right, um… All right.

-Oh, here it is.
-Oh.

You're amazing.

Thank you.

Seriously…

you need to use your words!

Oh! I just remembered.

I have something
that I need to do, like, right now.

Not gonna be fun, like, at all, but…

So I'm just gonna, uh, solo mission.

I-- I was thinking I was gonna call Alicia
and see if she can watch you.

Sure. Whatevs.

Okay, you are the greatest human being
that exists. I owe you.

Ah, don't worry about it.

Mimi's cooking tonight,

and lately all she ever makes
is, uh, weird TikTok recipes.

Huh.

Some things don't need
to be air-fried, you know?

Yeah.

Is that cologne?

No.

I ate a candle.

No, you didn't.

No, I didn't.

Seriously, thank you.

What can I get you?

I would love… a Macallan.

A double.

But since I don't drink anymore,

Pellegrino me.

On the rocks in a tumbler, please.

Hi.

Oh. Hi.

Vanessa Morton.

Peter Coleman.
I couldn't believe it when my phone rang.

I-- Who would've thunk
you'd have the same number?

- I didn't change it for this exact reason.
- Oh, really?

-Mm-hmm.
-Oh.

How long has it been?

Twenty years.

And yet I'm 30. Weird.

Amazing.

So what are you doing in town?

-You remember Debbie?
-Of course.

I am here watching her kid for a while.

Wow! You? The rolling stone?

A-ha?

- So…
- Mm?

- Do you have kids?
- Nope.

-No?
-No kids or husband.

You know, it's, um…

It's kind of loud in here.

It's actually really quiet.

I was just thinking… You know,
if you want, I live right near here.

I mean, I-- I wanted to.

Then… I mean, look at me.
I put on the suit, I went to the bar.

I-- I had a moment with a woman.

Mm.

And-- And I was-- I'm--
I'm trying to be the guy, right?

But that guy is…

Where's that guy?

I-- I don't know, but he smells terrific.

Thank you.

-Sage-y.
-With a touch of oak.

-I didn't, uh, pick up on that.
-Oh, it-- it's there.

Can I tell you something?

It's a thing that I don't think
I've ever said out loud.

-Immediately. Please.
-Okay.

So, the night that Debbie and I…

spent together,

after, I told her to stay away from me,

because…

I-- It's-- And-- And-- And then I just--

I found myself thinking about her.

A lot.

So I was gonna call her and see if she…

Whoa.

But a couple days later, I saw her
and Jimmy at the BevCon movie theater.

Oh, my God, the BevCon!
I saw every movie there.

I saw Hunt for Red October
there like eight times.

Yeah, anyway, the-- So, when I saw them,

it-- I-- I could tell.

You-- So I just-- I let it go.

And then she comes to pick me up
from rehab, the second time.

And I'd done, like,
uh, therapy in there, right?

And so when she comes to get me,
I'm on this truth kick,

and I'm gonna tell her

how I feel

about her.

So-- But she was still married.
And-- But they didn't have a kid yet.

And he was away a lot.
He was doing his climbing thing.

-What was that?
-It was cl-- climbing.

Like, his-- Look,
he would climb the mountains.

Okay, well, it looks like fishing.

Anyway, so I get in the car…

and…

she tells me she's pregnant.

Wait, is that why you left LA?

No! No, it was the quakes.

That-- I'm sc-- I'm scared of them.

Oh, right, the "scary quakes."

You have to tell her.

What? No, I c-- No!
What are you-- I-- It's too late!

Dude, remember,
I was at the first poker game.

-Yeah.
-You played like shit.

But you took risks.
What happened to that guy?

That guy is…

Drank too much, and he quit writing,

and he's got a friend,
and she lives across the country,

and, most importantly,
he's dated like a million women,

and it never lasts more than six months.

Why? Because he is
an unknowable piece of shit.

No, no, it's because he has been
with the wrong people.

-Stop telling yourself that story.
-Mmm.

Peter! Your whole life
has been leading up to this point.

Don't waste a second. Oh, my God.

I've had ten of these. I'm out of my mind.

I need to hop on a Peloton or something.

-I…
-But what are you gonna do?

Shit! What time is it?

Uh-uh.

Oh, my God, I'm late for my final.

Your what now?

Um, the, uh, final draft
of a book that I'm editing.

You can show yourself out, right? Great!

Breakfast.

Raisins!

Oi!

Bam!

Ooh! Terrible.

Not bad.

Hey!

Um, sorry we didn't get
to talk yesterday, but…

Look, I just…

I just wanted to say thank you again.

I-- I know-- I know
you don't like gratitude,

and "thank you's" bother you
and all that, but I just…

Thanks to you,
I got to have this amazing week.

And I…

I don't even know
how I would ever repay you.

I'm gonna try
until my dying breath.

But, um, anyway, I'll--
Just call me anytime or I'll see you soon.

Oh, my God. I'll see you soon. Okay.

Okay.

Oh.

No.

Uh, okay. How much for three?

Oh, hey. Hi.

- Hey, I got you!
- Yeah, you got me.

Well, listen, I know it's your last night,
I don't want to monopolize you

before you go home,

but I've got something important
I'd like to talk to you about.

A proposal, kind of.

-Uh, if you are free for a drink?
-Oh, um, yeah, sure.

Brownstone Club?

Great!

"Proposal"? Wow.

Wow!

Yeah. Well…

What is it? What's wrong?

Nothing, it's just…
I haven't heard from Peter.

Jack and I texted,
but I haven't heard from Peter.

Okay, I can't with this mood.
Look at what you've done.

In a measly few days,

you got a boring as hell
but useful, I guess, degree,

got Peter's book published,

and befriended an adorable millennial, me.

And then Theo,
the sexy cherry on top! I mean--

No, no, you're right.
You're right. It's just--

It's just a little bit weird
when I don't hear from him.

Forget Peter!

Theo, Theo, Theo!
That's who you're seeing right now.

Guess we don't have time
to buy you a new dress.

Oh, no, I'm just gonna go
as Debbie tonight.

Just regular Debbie.

Aww.

Speaking of which,
I've been looking for my jean jacket.

-Have you seen it?
-I mean, hard to say.

Can't really pick it out
from all the other mass-market denim

and chambray items strewn about.

Also, you do know they make
these things called spinners now?

-There's something under here.
-What is it?

Drugs? Porn? What?

Oh, my God.

He wrote another book?

Real scribbler, this guy.

It's not a book.

We should definitely not open that.

No, yeah, here's the thing about me.
I respect people's privacy.

Same. As my drunk mother
used to always say,

"Mind your own business."

Five-star parking. All right.

Don't you want to…

I mean, tryouts start in 15 minutes, so…

Yeah.

So, what happens next?

Mm, like after practice?
I don't know. We can get a slushie.

I enjoy their slushies.

Yeah, me too.

Um, no, I mean, like,
with you, and me, and Mom.

Well, I go back to New York, and--

Yeah. Uh, yeah, let--
Let's say that didn't happen.

I mean like, it just seems
that we make a good team, the three of us.

-Wow, yeah.
-Here, in LA, in our house.

I don't know how you guys
decide this kind of stuff,

but that was just a thought I had.

I don't know how
we decide this stuff either.

What's that look for?

You look like you just felt
an earthquake or something.

Well, I better get in there.
Hockey tryouts.

-See you in there.
-Yeah.

Hmm.

Peter hates mementos.

So many pictures of… you.

And postcards I sent him?

Oh, the Dodger game!

Oh, I-- I found that in Texas.

Yeah.

Wait.

Oh, my God. He saved it too?

Oh, my God.

This makes so much sense.
Why he couldn't fall in love with me.

There had to be a reason.
It couldn't be because of me.

I'm the best.

Do you love him too?

I'm…

I think I…

I feel like…

Okay.

-I'll tell you what I think.
-Okay.

I think you fell in love with Peter
that first night you hooked up.

What? No.

No, no, no.

That would be reckless
and impractical, and I am not--

Human? We know.
That's why you freaked out about his book

and ran around
like a little lunatic with it?

No, I didn't!

Oh, my God, I did.
Oh, my God. Yes, I did.

Because you're in love. You are.

Don't make me sing "I Am A Woman In Love"
by Barbra Streisand, 'cause I will.

-I sang it at my nana's retirement home.
-No, no, no, no, no.

Even if I felt like Peter and I were…

No, no, no. He--
Peter's not interested in me like that.

-Um--
-He let me know that night.

And-- And over the years,
just by dating women

who are utterly nothing like me.

I would just…

No. And I would never risk
my friendship with him on the off-chance--

Don't you get it?
All you have to do is take a chance.

No, see, that's what you don't get
about me, is I don't take chances.

What I have is great, and-- and--
and I appreciate it, you know?

You get what you get,
and you don't get upset.

And-- And… that's how I live my life.

And-- And that is how I play poker.
I never draw into a straight.

You know what I mean?
You don't, 'cause you don't play poker,

but I'll explain it later,
at a different time.

But this is just…

This is who I am.

And-- And-- And I evaluate odds
and it has kept me safe,

and it has kept my kid safe,
and I just-- I just need to be safe.

Yeah.

No, no!

No. No!

No.

No. Okay, I just don't understand

why you're not taking
into consideration how I feel about this.

I have to-- I have to go!
I don't want to talk about this anymore.

I have to take a shower,
I'm gonna go see Theo.

-And Peter?
-Just forget about it.

I don't want to roll the dice.

If you start with another poker analogy,
I will perish.

You do take chances, by the way.

I've seen it.

You can do this.

You can tell Peter how you feel.

You can.

Let's go, guys! Come on!

Come on, kid.

Oh, gosh, okay!

Hi!

Hey!

I'm so sorry I'm late.

-Did you run here?
-No, I'm just…

I'm just a little bit breathless.

- Well, me too.
- Okay.

Um…

-Hi.
-God, I--

I wanted to wait till appetizers,
but do you mind if I just start?

Yeah, sure.

Get in there, get in there!

Go, Jack!

Um…

My proposal for you is that I got you
an interview at Macmillan.

Full-time editor position.

They need one, you're amazing,

and they would be
really lucky to have you.

Wow.

And the second part is--

is that I didn't get you
an interview at-- at Duncan Press.

And that is because I feel
like we should see what you and I have…

are… uh, could be.

It's early, of course,
just you shouldn't work with me

if we're even considering
exploring that, you know?

And I know you had a whole life in LA.

You know, I don't want
to get ahead of myself.

He says, terribly ahead of himself.

I… Wow.

I-- I-- I don't know what to say.

Yeah, it's-- it's not a little bit,
it's a lot.

It's a lot.

There we go, there we go.

Let's go, guys!
Keep at it! Let's go! Let's go.

That's it!

Yes.

- Go! Go!
- Let's get it!

Go, go, go!

Theo, you are wonderful.

Um, just this past week has been…

unreal.

Uh, I really…

The fact that you believe in me
means the world to me.

Um, but earlier today, I…

I was looking for my jean jacket,
and-- and I was digging around,

and then I found
this envelope, and, you know…

Oh, my God. This is the weirdest thing
I've ever said.

I… I think I might be
in love with somebody else.

-Right.
-And I--

I know that's a crazy, crazy thing to say.

I mean, love's crazy. Love's the worst.

It's a nightmare.

Especially when it hits you,
whoosh, just out of nowhere.

Back up, back up, back up.
Are you all right?

Ow.

Oh.

-You need to get that?
-Uh… I-- I do.

-Don't worry about it.
-I'm, uh-- I'll be right back.

Hey!

I know that, um, we're gonna see
each other tomorrow, but I wanted to--

Wait, what?

Oh, my God. What do you--
What do you mean, "hockey tryouts"?

Oh, my God.

Okay.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Ambulance got there so quick
and he's with the doctor now, so…

Oh, here comes the doctor.
I'm gonna put you on speaker.

Oh, my God, is he okay?

Uh, well, good news, he's doing great.

-There-- There we go.
-Ah!

He does have a touch of a headache
and some nausea.

Okay.

-So we're keeping him here overnight.
-Oh, my God.

Just to make sure he didn't sustain
a concussion, improbably,

or another kind of hematoma.

Oh, my God!

I want to talk to him.

Uh, he's gonna be okay.

I don't want to talk to you, Peter!
I want to talk to Jack!

Well, he's in his room.

Put Jack on the phone, Peter,

before the serious brain injury sets in
and he doesn't remember who his mother is!

-I'm gonna-- I'm gonna go.
-Yeah, you should, probably.

Hematoma, that's, uh…
That's what you want, right?

-No, no, no. You don't want that.
-Yeah, you don't?

-That's-- That's a bad thing.
-You don't.

Yeah, I got-- He--
Yeah, he's right here. It's your mom.

-Hey.
-Hey, honey, are you okay?

I'm fantastic!

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry I'm not there.

I-- I-- I'm coming home right now. I--

Mom, stop!

What? You're hurt, honey.

This was the best week of my life.

Me and Peter, like, we watched Alien,
and drove in a convertible,

and I almost drank coffee.

W-- Wait, just slow down.
Ba-- Back up, what? What?

This week I got to be a different kind
of me. It was kinda great.

Don't be mad at Peter, okay?

I-- I-- Jack, I will deal
with Peter separately.

And guess what? I made the hockey team!

Okay, well, we're gonna have
to discuss that when I get home.

No! I want to talk about it now.

I want to do it. I want you to let me.

Look, I know you're afraid of stuff.

Sometimes, I am too,
but I don't want that for us anymore.

-Oh, okay. Um--
-Anyway, love you, Mom.

- I gotta go, my friends are here.
- Dude, you wiped out!

-We were there!
-It was epic!

It was super sick. Like, I remember
getting tied up and, like, hooked.

-Like, this guy crashed into me and then…
-See? That's-- He's fine.

Well, and the-- And, look,
I'm genuinely sorry that I didn't--

Is Alicia there?

Yeah, yeah. She's right here,

and-- and I'm gonna be here
when you get back.

Please don't be.
I'm coming home right now.

Please just go.

-But--
-Peter, just go!

-Jack's had an emergency. He's hurt.
-Is he okay?

I don't know. I have to go.

Theo, you're…

You know what you are.

You too.

Oh! Sorry.

I just landed in LA
and I'm going straight to the hospital.

- He's not there.
- What?

He's at home
with Alicia and he's fine.

But I tried to call you a million times.
I'm sorry, okay? I screwed up.

I should have told you
before he tried out.

You think?

Look, I thought
I was giving him what he needed!

-What? A hematoma?
-Hi, by the way.

-What?
-I'm over here.

-What are you doing here?
-I'm going. You told me to go.

Well, good.

I should have told you,

but there's some shit
that you should have told me too.

Oh, no, no,
you don't get to turn this around.

-I talked to Minka.
-Yeah?

She told me about the book.
What you did is insane!

-Look, I was gonna tell you about the--
-Oh, there's other stuff too.

How about Zen? And what about Theo?
As in, "Oh, Theo!"

-Hold on. How do you know about that?
-There's a camera in my apartment.

You watched me and Theo?

Only long enough
to want to poke my eyes out!

What happened
to, "I'm done with all of that?"

Well, I'm a person, Peter, I'm not a rock.

That's literally what you said!

"My heart is a cold, hard stone."

Okay, okay, well-- And you talking
about somebody's personal life?

Oh, okay. Here we go.

I gave you my kid.

He is my whole life!

Which is maybe a problem.

Wow.

I cannot believe you.

You know what?

You always said you were a piece of shit.
Well, maybe you were right!

-That was really fucking mean.
-Okay, well, you--

What? I dropped my life to come help you?
Is that what I did wrong?

You're unbelievable! Unbelievable!

Oh, shit!

Wait! Wait, don't…

Hold on a second.

-I'm so mad at--
-What the hell is wrong with you?

-You went through my things?
-Why didn't you tell me?

Why didn't you
say anything?

Why did you let so much time go by?

-Be-- Because I was scared!
-Scared of what?

-Scared that I'm not good enough for you!
-Oh!

Scared that you're gonna reject me
if I tell you how I feel.

Well, just tell me how you feel!

You know how I feel!

Wait, what? That, what,
you're in love with me or something?

No!

Debbie, I am madly, deeply,
overwhelmingly in love with you.

And I have been
since the moment I met you.

Well, you could have said something.

We talk every day.

Well, now what are we gonna do?

I thought we were gonna
be friends forever.

-We're not?
-No.

We're not gonna
be friends anymore, Debbie.

- So you're gonna be a published author!
- That's-- Yeah.

And you're gonna be a fancy editor.

- So weird.
- Big time.

-Can't wait to see Jack.
-Oh, my God. He's gonna freak out.

-He's gonna be so excited.
-Wait a second.

Are we gonna be hand-holders?

-I've never seen you hold a human's hand.
-I don't hold hands!

Yeah!

-But it-- it feels kind of… good.
-What about this one?

-Yeah. I think we're hand-holders.
-Mmm!

-Oh! Look at us.
-I think we are.

Okay, there he is. That's our Uber.

All right.

So, what happens next?