Original subtitles

A CASTLE IN THE CARPATHIANS

- There it is. - Good. Stop the jeep.

It's better not to get too close to the castle, Professor.

Did you set the charges?

Yes, our demolition team just finished placing them.

A few minutes and the castle will be nothing but rubble.

The perfect building site for our new nuclear plant.

- I'll go detonate the charges. - Yes.

Wait. Are you sure the castle is abandoned?

We explored the entire place, not a soul in sight.

UNCLE WAS A VAMPIRE

- Fritz! - Coming.

- Here's the stamped bill. - Alright.

The contents are invaluable. Keep it upright, never topsy-turvy. Got it?

Don't worry, we'll label it accordingly.

Remember, never expose it to broad daylight. The damage would be irreparable.

No worries, the train will pass under several tunnels.

As you can see, Baron, I did everything in my power.

Always at your service, Baron.

Pardon? Oh, I see what you mean.

It appears, though, that your only living nephew is that Italian, Count Osvaldo.

I understand his castle isn't as gloomy as the one that was destroyed.

Alas, I'm sure the climate will suit you.

Everything's set for your trip, at last.

May I kill myself now, Baron?

Thank you. My existence felt truly abysmal, I must say.

That man threw himself under the train!

- What?! Where?! - There! Over there!

Here in my blue garden

I secretly nurture these flowers I love

The roses I forgot, the kisses you did not give,

And all those words you didn't say.

Oh, my love,

say it with a flower and seal it with a kiss.

Say it with a flower, not with words.

Ask me if I'll love you forever.

Every flower here will say "Yes, she will."

I plant more roses than words in your heart.

So, if you don't know how to say that you love me,

just say it with a flower.

Are you coming or not, Baron?

What? Oh, right.

May we proceed?

Whatever.

Go on, start reading.

"It is agreed that I, Baron Osvaldo Lambertenghi,

shall now cede my remaining part of the castle to the Atlas Hotel Corporation.

Atlas is hereby represented in the person of Mr. Fortini,

who'll now proceed to pay a sum of eighty million lire."

Will you please sign these two contracts, Baron?

Indeed I will.

The last two acts of this tragedy I call life.

I bid thee farewell, beloved ancestral castle!

You'll soon cease to be a somber, venerated mansion.

Enjoy your new life as a frivolous, touristy hotel.

And here's the signed check. Pass it on to the lawyer, please.

Very well. Here.

Eighty million lire. It's valid.

This check will fully cover your unpaid taxes.

Eighty million.

Everything's settled then, Baron.

Well, "everything” is a bit of a stretch.

- I'm not settled yet. - Don't you worry about that.

Our director will solve your conundrum.

Right.

Yes, alright.

As director of this hotel, I'm pleased to offer you a position with the company.

A position worthy of your importance, Baron, rest assured.

A bit tiring, perhaps, but you'll manage.

"A position worthy of your importance, Baron, rest assured.”

"A bit tiring, perhaps.”

Those people and their stupid sense of humor!

- Bellhop! Guests arriving! - Coming!

Welcome to our hotel.

- Good morning. - Mornin'.

- I phoned from Milan to book a room. - Mr. Visnaghi, I presume?

- Good guess. - I'll go check your room immediately.

Yeah, go on.

Fancy place, isn't it, Carletta?

It just opened, you know.

It's a bona fide medieval castle!

An authentic historical relic!

- You're gonna have a blast here! - Yeah, you don't say.

Can't wait to play cards with a bunch of ghosts.

Carla, don't be so rude to your father.

You haven't said a word the whole trip, and not a bite to eat either.

Just give me a break.

You keep tormenting me all the time!

Checking what I eat and how long I sleep, or how many times I speak, laugh, or cry!

Well, I'm sick of it!

And if you think staying here will make me forget Victor, you're wrong.

You're both mistaken indeed.

I guess the heart wants what it wants, huh?

You can say that again, sir.

The heart wants what it wants.

Mind your own business and worry about our baggage.

- The nerve of some people! - Unbelievable!

Let's go, Letizia.

I'm sorry but I couldn't help it.

- You're so kind. Would you do me a favor? - Sure.

Could you send this telegram?

- To your boyfriend? - Yes.

- Take this. - A Lambertenghi never accepts money.

- Consider me at your service, Miss. - Well, as you wish.

- Thank you. - My pleasure.

Bellhop!

- Bellhop! - Silly me!

More guests arriving! Get a move on!

Boy, we're sure having a busy day.

Hey, bellhop!

Let's send all our luggage upstairs pronto.

Let's take a nice nap after this long trip, shall we?

With this lovely sun? Never! I'll be snapping pictures left and right!

Yeah, I want to take a lot of pictures too!

Shall we?

(speaking in a foreign language)

- Well, what's our game plan now? - What do you mean?

- You're the one who found 'em. - Sure I did!

- Did you tell 'em what this trip is really about? - You bet.

Why are they so obsessed with snapping pics, then?

They're models, pal. Northern gals, what more can you ask for?

But Northern ladies are ice cold. You sure they won't turn us down?

Those two? A few drinks will melt the ice.

They're the kind of gals who drink so much they see bats.

- Bats? - That's what I said.

Two regular sponges. Be ready to catch 'em once bats start flying.

This castle and its atmosphere will be a plus!

Hey, listen, is this a quiet place for a weekend vacation?

As quiet as can be.

Bellhop, over here!

Mr. Baron!

Mr. Baron!

Why are you dressed like that, Mr. Baron?

Well, my dear Lillina, you can call me Mr. Bellhop from now on.

No.

- Indeed. - I'll never be able to, Mr. Baron.

You're not crying, are you?

- They fired me. - Fired you?

Who did?

The director. He said one of the gardeners on their payroll will take my place.

- That scoundrel! I'll show him a thing or two! - No! Don't do anything crazy!

I should go.

There are many other gardens in this world.

Other gardens, yes. But you, Lillina, are a most unique gardener.

Your family tended to my castle's flowers for many years.

Look, that's where your great-grandfather planted the fir trees.

That's where your grandfather planted the acacias.

And over there, your father, well, complained about some unpaid wages.

He let it go, though, since he was so fond of me.

Too many flowers and family memories hold you here, Lillina.

I forgot to tell you something important.

- This letter arrived for you, Baron. - Thanks.

I got it from the mailman at the gate.

Who could have written to me?

I paid all my taxes and debts.

No living family members, either.

"My dear nephew..."

Wow, I thought my relatives were all dead.

"Uncle Roderico..."

Roderico. Roderico.

Who could he be?

The letter was sent from Bramfurten.

Yes, Roderico of Bramfurten! From the Carpathians!

"My dear nephew, I've decided to spend some time at your castle,

in order to finally meet my only descendant and heir."

Heir?

Oh boy, I have a wealthy uncle!

- That's wonderful, Baron! - Just call me Osvaldo, please.

- I can't, Baron. - A wealthy uncle.

I'm so happy for you.

Be happy for both of us!

A rich uncle will give me the money to buy the castle back! You won't have to leave!

You can stay and tend my flowers.

I'd really like you to stay.

Wait, there's more.

"PS: I will arrive at midnight.

My trunk will precede me. Handle it with care.”

How does he already know I've become a bellhop?

Word got out at lightning speed.

I wonder which one it is.

This one, maybe!

Who knows, it might be.

Let's see.

Wait, there's a label.

This is the one!

"From Roderico to Baron Osvaldo Lambertenghi."

I better put this in my room, out of the director's sight.

He could fire me for this.

Let's do it!

This place is so nice!

Those things over there are nice, too!

- It looks so peculiar! - So charmingly odd!

Stop it.

- What do you call this kind of room? - Er... A crypt.

Tomb, if you wanna make it simpler.

This revamped crypt looks so nice.

Say, aren't you afraid of this place?

- No. - Not at all!

- Nope.

- We thought we could smother you with hugs, ladies.

- Hands off. - Don't even think about it.

(speaking in a foreign language)

So, what did you say about Northern girls, bats, and ice-melting drinks?

They had four whiskeys each and no bats in sight.

Relax and be patient, will ya? It's only a matter of time.

You better get ready to catch your prey, pal.

Bartender, four more whiskeys.

- Did the train from Germany come in? - Yes.

That's odd, Uncle said he would arrive at midnight.

What about the one from the Carpathians?

Kid, I asked you a question. Do me a favor and look it up.

Don't "kid" me.

You address me by my proper title. Get that into your head!

I forgot circumstances forced me to sink to your level.

- Gimme a break. - Move it, guests ahoy!

Good evening.

I've just arrived from Germany.

It was a dreadfully long and tedious journey.

I need to rest. A good night's sleep.

I've already sent my baggage.

Uncle!

Uncle Roderico!

At last! I've been waiting for you, Uncle!

I'm Osvaldo. Your nephew Osvaldo!

You're insane!

You're talking nonsense! Shoo! Go away! I don't have any nephews nor Osvaldos!

- Not even a tiny one? - No!

- Aren't you Baron Roderico of Bramfurten? - No!

I'm Professor Stricker!

- Of Bramfurten? - No!

I'm Professor Stricker of Dusseldorf University!

- Located near Bramburten? - No!

We apologize for the misunderstanding, Professor.

Get the professor's luggage. Quick!

I'm sorry, but he said he came from Germany. You did, right?

- Yes! - German?

- Yes! - See?

- I have this Hapsburg relative who... - Enough! Bring the professor's luggage!

- I'll do it myself! - He'll do it himself!

I have all my pajamas in here, and I wish to sleep for eight days straight!

We've reserved a very peaceful room for you, sir. Room 111, third floor.

- Good. Thanks. - Accompany him to 111, please.

No need! I only want to sleep in peace!

- Would you like a wake-up call? - No!

Not!

And no means no!

What's the matter with you!?

It was an honest mistake!

I told you my Hapsburg uncle was supposed to arrive today. He sent me a letter!

Any trains coming from the Carpathians?

No more trains coming after midnight!

Midnight.

It's midnight already and Uncle Roderico hasn't arrived yet.

"I will arrive at midnight."

No trains from the Carpathians, though.

He didn't come by car, either.

Boy, I don't even know what this uncle looks like, Hapsburg or not.

I wish he included a photograph.

Guess I better get some sleep.

Oh boy!

Osvaldo. My dear nephew.

Uncle?

Uncle Roderico?

Is it you?

You gave me a bit of a scare, Uncle. Only for a moment, though.

I mean, I came in here and found myself face to face with a giant uncle.

How did you arrive?

That's a matter of no importance.

Sure, I guess. Did you have a nice trip? You look deathly pale.

That's not important.

Yeah, yeah.

But since you're my uncle and all, I thought you'd be older.

I don't mean to pry, but how old are you?

Very.

You look great, if you don't mind me saying.

We have superior genes, you know. It's a matter of good blood.

Did I say something wrong, Uncle Roderico?

Yes.

I only said it's a matter of blood.

Silence!

I didn't mean to offend you. You're not very chatty, though.

Where am I going to rest?

Permission to speak, Uncle.

Well, maybe you didn't notice, but things have changed around here.

I thought I could lend you my bed for the time being.

What?

- Oh boy, here we go again. - Yes.

I'm such a chump, I know. And my bed's too short for you.

I mean, it's too long for me but you...

Beggars can't be choosers, Uncle.

You know nothing about my habits. Yet.

We all have our habits, Uncle.

You can't imagine how many of my own I had to lose, by the way.

There was a crypt in this castle.

The family tomb.

But I can't let you sleep in a tomb, Uncle.

Where is it?

The crypt?

It's not a crypt anymore. They transformed it into a bar.

Into a what!?

A bar, Uncle. I've been trying to tell you things have changed around here!

I wish it was only the crypt, believe me.

It's only the crypt that interests me.

I don't get what you mean, Uncle.

Why are you changing the subject from beds to crypts?

Come here.

- I'm staying here. - You must help me.

You're the last surviving member of the family.

Yeah, yeah, I'm here to help you, Uncle.

As long as it's not cash. I'm broke.

That's the only thing I don't need.

Allow me to breathe a sigh of relief, then.

- My money situation is beyond terrible. - Not as bad as my current state.

Hey, I had to sell this castle and watch them turn it into a hotel!

Did they keep the crypt?

Boy, you're obsessed with that crypt!

Listen, I promise you'll have a good time here.

I only need to quench my thirst.

No problem! I had the good sense to put away a few bottles for old times' sake!

I've got cognac, whiskey, premium vodka, rosolio, maraschino.

A nice selection to dust off for a special occasion!

And I'm sure our reunion is special enough.

- We're having so much fun! - You betchal

I kept a few good habits, despite the sorry state I'm in.

What's wrong, Uncle?

Uncle?

Are you crazy? Don't kill yourself!

What's the matter with you?

Where are you going? Uncle, wait!

A coffin?

A coffin.

What's he doing with a coffin in a trunk?

I thought this thing was full of gold and jewels.

He's a murderer.

He's raveling with a dead body.

Great, a cuckoo uncle wandering around the castle and a dead body in my room.

I gotta open it.

I gotta see what's inside.

How do you open a coffin anyway?

I'm so scared.

Hey, it's open.

No body in here.

What's this?

"The book of Baron Roderico."

It's handwritten. It must be a diary.

"I am a vampire."

Vampire.

My uncle's a vampire.

He's the dead one!

The body was his.

Oh boy, if the director finds out I have an undead uncle on the premises.

This explains the ghostly complexion.

I've got to find him.

I've got to find him before it's too late.

I must, at all costs.

You Italians just can't hold your liquor!

Look at the state you're in! But no, you just wanted to drink and drink!

They're hammered, but they think we're the drunk ones!

There's a reason why we offered you 80 many drinks, ladies!

- Can you see 'em, girls? - What are you talking about?

Over there! I saw something that looked like a shadow!

Yes! It looked like a giant bat!

What did I tell you? Get ready!

- What's the matter with you!? - Take your hands off me!

You're drunk!

You better leave us alone or we'll call the police!

They saw a bat, though.

Uncle Roderico?

Where the heck can he be?

He's gonna get me in trouble.

This diary would help me, if only I could read it!

This stupid thing is all in German.

I need to find someone who knows German.

Easier said than done, though.

Wait a second! The professor!

What's going on in here?

- Answer me! - It's one of Victor's records.

May I listen to his voice, at least?

Absolutely not!

You better forget about that fool foolishly singing those foolish songs!

Fool, fool, fool. You're like a broken record.

You think everything I do is foolish.

And that includes all the guys I like!

Stay awake, the good bit is coming! Keep translating!

No, no, no, I want to go back to sleep!

You'll sleep later! Please, it's a matter of utmost importance!

So, the bit you've translated is about

vampires' incredible strength and fearless attitude, right?

- Yes, indeed. - Goon.

It says that vampires fear crosses.

Only a cross can drive them away for good.

Well, that's something.

What type of cross?

What type? You must tell me!

No! I refuse to tell you!

Victor isn't penniless, and he loves me!

He'll do everything in his power to marry me!

Is that so? Tell that pretty boy of yours to get ready to have his head bashed in!

I really mean it! If I catch him around you he's gonna get it!

I'll bash his head in, you got that right!

You better be ready to marry a guy with a broken head!

See if there's actually anything inside, while you're at it!

Are you certain that when the cock crows all vampires return to their lairs?

Yes.

- So all we need to neutralize him is a cross. - Yes.

- Then some garlic. - Yes.

- And driving a stake through his heart to destroy him. - Yes.

So much to do before the cock crows. Well, I must be going.

Any specific type of cock, sir?

- A moment. - Yes.

- Please. - Is it a cock?

- Open it, please. - Certainly.

- Get out. - Right away, sir.

So... Cross, garlic, stakes, and a cock.

Cross, garlic, stakes, cock.

Good night.

- Hello? - Hello? Director?

Your bellhop came to torment me. He forced me to stay awake!

He what? Oh, the short bellhop, right.

I'm truly sorry, sir.

It won't happen again. I'll see that he's punished immediately.

Good night. Good night, sir.

That son of a...

I know you'll soon be here, Uncle.

Your loving nephew Osvaldo will give you a garlic cure that'll drive you crazy.

Garlicky brew for a vampirey mug.

That'll show you.

You'll think twice before tricking

your dear nephew again.

What's the matter with you, you little punk?

I'm sorry, Director! I thought you were...

Cut it out with the buffoonery! Who did you think I was?

The place is crawling with insects.

I'll show you the difference between insects and your director, you fool!

- I'll teach you not to bother guests at night! - Wait!

I'll make you work so hard you won't even think about wandering around at night!

- Director, let me explain. - Tomorrow you'll see!

It's all your fault, Uncle!

Director!

Director!

Please, be reasonable! What's the point in removing these weeds?

Mother Nature put them here herself, after all!

Even Mother Nature can make mistakes.

You were born a baron and lived here all your life,

yet you ended up a bellhop!

Shut up and pull those weeds!

Sir, I can't stay like this!

Things can take a plunge to the bottom any minute!

I'm also dealing with a family tragedy, you know!

I've lost my uncle, and only by finding him can I save us all!

What has your uncle's death got to do with the hotel?

I'm not paying for any funerals!

Get back to work and quit complaining!

Director, wait!

Don't leave me like this!

Director!

Funerals! That guy is a real piece of work.

The undead travel by train with their coffins for luggage, let me tell you!

- And they suddenly pop up at your... - Baron!

- Baron! - Yes?

The director has just left!

Thank god you're here, Lillina!

- Pull me up! - Yes!

- Come on! I need some help here! - Don't let go!

Watch out!

Pull! Keep pulling!

- Almost there! - Pull

There.

Thanks.

Thank you, Lillina. You saved me.

That dumb director with his boot-shaped nose! I'll show him!

Oh boy, I will.

Thanks again, Lillina.

You're so beautiful.

So very beautiful.

You really make my heart sing.

I like you so much that... Hey, wait a second.

If I find you so pretty, then my uncle might also be attracted to you.

- Did your uncle arrive last night, Baron? - Yes, he did.

- He's here, alright. - I'd love to meet him!

- Where is he now? - Where, you ask? I wonder myself.

He didn't go to bed last night.

What? I thought he was dead tired after the long trip.

Tired? Hah! You don't know the half of it, my dear.

That man's Satan in the flesh.

Satan in the flesh.

Let's go get some garlic.

What? Garlic?

Why are you hanging all that garlic on the window, Baron?

Trust me!

It's both an ornamental and precautionary reason.

I find flowers more fashionable than garlic, to be honest.

Garlic brings good luck!

It protects against the evil eye!

Don't forget you live all alone and helpless in this house.

Trust me, Lillina, one can never take too many precautions.

- I don't understand. - But I do!

You know what, Lillina, I think you should wear this around your neck.

It's a Hawaiian custom.

A garlic necklace?

I wish I could give you jewels, but it's the thought that counts.

Promise me you'll never take it off, Lillina.

Something to remember me by!

- It seems a bit strange. - Strange? It's the best I could do!

I would cover you with riches, but alas

garlic's the best I can afford now.

There.

Baron, what are you doing?

Don't worry, I read it in a book.

You wouldn't believe how good garlic is for the skin!

Baron, I fear your recent misadventures might have taken a toll on you!

No, no, I assure you my nerves are fine.

We all have a cross to bear, after all.

And speaking of crosses,

we both have one, see?

- Alas, we all do. - You're getting my walls all dirty!

Wait, let me finish.

Yes, yes. Pretty as a picture.

I'm going to give Uncle a nasty surprise.

I'll try to find him immediately, as a matter of fact.

Be good, Lillina, I'm begging you.

Please, don't remove the crosses or the garlic.

I'll be right back.

Poor Mr. Baron.

He's gone crazy.

- Give us a chance to explain! - Leave us alone!

We don't like men who behave like brutes!

- We like romantic men! - Yeah!

We're a couple of big lovey-doveys!

It's all his fault. He wanted to drink!

Is that so?

Shall we forgive them, Susan? What do you think?

Why not?

- Let's go swimming! - I'll take the boat!

We're finally reunited.

- I got your telegram. What did you want to tell me? - Nothing, dear.

I just wanted to see you.

Last night, Dad lashed out at me because I was listening to one of your records.

I'm sorry, but what can we do to fix this?

I'm fed up, Victor.

Fed up with my father and all the sneaking around.

Why don't we leave for good, darling?

Please.

Are you nuts? Have you considered the consequences?

We can't go on like this forever.

It's the only way, Victor, believe me.

Let's run away. Maybe even tonight.

Your father would never stand for it. He'll call the police, create a scandal!

I already covered that. Don't worry, nothing will ever tear us apart.

I know you're hiding in there, Uncle.

It's curtains for you.

Amilcare?

Room 111 is calling for his beer.

Well, tell the guest to ask the waiter.

I'm only a bartender.

Fair enough. I'll bring it to him.

The guy in 111 is a huge tipper, you know.

Yesterday I brought up his suitcase and he tipped me a fiver.

And another fiver for closing his shutters.

Helped him make a phone call, he gave me a tenner.

- Gimme the tray, come on. - Leave it to me and stick to being a bellhop.

Why, I thought that...

There you are.

I knew it.

Boy, you look pretty scary.

Look at him, sleeping like a baby devil.

To kill a vampire, one must drive a stake through their heart.

I'm sorry, Uncle, but I'm calling the stakes here.

We'll serve dinner out on the terrace tonight. Make sure everything's ready.

Very well, Director.

Go see if the guests by the pool want any drinks, chop chop.

Wait a minute.

What are you doing behind the bar?

It's very hot today. I only wanted a drink.

Oh, really? You came to the hotel bar to quench your thirst?

Well, it makes sense.

What else would you do in a bar?

Drinks are for guests, not for bellhops! Out!

- Back to those weeds, shoo! - I...

- If I see you again down here, you can consider yourself fired! - Yeah, ...

- Your beer, sir. - What beer?

I don't want any beer!

I only want to sleep! Sleep , damn it!

Stop waking me up, blast you all!

No.

He went out.

Good evening, dear nephew.

G-g-good evening, Uncle.

What have you got in your hands?

Oh, that's my wedge.

I'm a sculptor and wanted to use this marble for, er... Never mind.

Liar!

You're lying.

You had a very different plan.

You have discovered my secret.

There is only one way to silence you.

Mercy, please!

I'm your relative, after all.

You can't kill a relative, you know.

I'm not going to kill you.

Hooray.

I'll do worse.

I'll do to you what Aginulfo of Bramfurten did to me

400 years ago.

And, er... What did Aginulfo of Bramfurten do to you 400 years ago?

It was a dark, stormy night.

I went down to the cellar for a bottle of Rhine wine.

I opened the door, and I saw...

- Aginulfo of Bramfurten. - No.

A flash of lightning illuminated the cellar.

- Then, I saw something by a grate. - Aginulfo of Bramfurten?

No.

I saw a cat.

A black cat.

It ran away from me, letting out crazed, feral meows.

I sensed a presence behind me.

And then I saw...

Aginulfo of Bramfurten.

- Yes. - At last.

Yes.

But it was not he.

Who was it then?

It was a vampire.

The first in our family.

Look.

A bite.

It only took one bite.

No.

One bite to pass this curse on to you.

I'm weary.

So weary of aimlessly wandering from one castle to another.

From one tomb to another.

And now,

now I will turn you into a living vampire.

And now,

now I will finally rest in peace.

Like all other mortals.

To bite or not to bite?

To bite, definitely.

I've got to put these cute fangs to some use, after all.

Oh boy, I'm gonna treat myself to a lot of vampiric fun.

I'm gonna have a little bloodsucking action with a few blondes and brunettes!

And soar the skies as a bat!

Fly, yes.

Fly every night under the beautiful moonlight.

Oh boy, I almost forgot about the whole sleeping-in-a-coffin part.

That's right.

My expertise in crypts and tombs will skyrocket.

I'm going to get acquainted with plenty of undertakers and bats.

I'll suck necks dry like there's no tomorrow.

Shut up, stupid owl.

Worry about your own predators.

Boy, I feel great.

This transformation did wonders to my hairdo.

The cape's pretty stylish, too.

These long fangs of mine are the cutest ever!

Sure, I may look a little pale.

And too bad my legs didn't get any longer.

Oh, well.

Look at these flowers.

The gleam in my eye tells I'm scheming something.

Wanna know more about my nefarious plan?

I'm off to give Lillina a touch of the old fangs.

Who's the jerk who dared put garlic on her door?

Wait, now I remember.

It was you! Stupid romantic Osvaldo, how am I supposed to meet Lillina now?

I could punch myself!

What? Come again?

Lillina is as pure as a lily. She's not to be touched!

Yeah, yeah, save the romantic crap for daytime, you little chump!

The champion of chumps! No wonder they took your castle away.

I'm done talking to myself!

Hey, maybe this garlic thing is just a big hoax.

I'm going in.

The girl with the urgent telegram.

I'll give her an urgent bite.

Carla!

Carla, what are you doing? Why are you still up?

Why are you wearing that dress?

Nothing. I was just trying it out. It's new.

With the door wide open?

Well, it was pretty stuffy in here.

Up to no good as usual, huh?

And always carrying that imbecile's picture around!

- You're waiting for him to call, I bet. - No, Mom, I swear.

No, huh? I'll pretend to believe you.

You know what? Take your nightgown and go sleep in my bedroom.

I'm staying right here tonight.

And if that idiot calls, I'll tell him a thing or two!

Go on now!

- Go on. - All right, Mom.

- I'll do as you wish. Good night. - Right, good night.

And tomorrow me and your father will give you a good talking to!

- Who goes there? - A friendly face.

You're a fantastic biter.

Well, in Bramfurten, we have a 400-year history of biting people's necks.

- Keep biting me. - Bite you again?

- Yes. - Drinking the nectar of lust, are we?

Oh, yes.

More.

Hold on a second.

Oh no, I got the wrong neck.

More!

An ugly neck!

I want more! Don't go!

Where are you?

Where are you? Come to me!

Sorry I'm late, but I couldn't get rid of Mom.

- I thought you'd never make . - I'm here, though.

- Let's go! - Wait.

You realize what you're about to do?

Of course I do.

You won't regret it?

I love you.

Carla!

- Where are you going? - Well, I...

We...

- Listen, Mom, I was... - Running away, weren't you?

Oh, yes.

It's only natural. And I understand.

The heart wants what it wants.

Why complicate things? You can express your love for each other in broad daylight!

Mom, I don't understand.

Only a minute ago you said...

Dad will be against it anyway.

Dad...

Your dad. Right.

Don't worry about him.

I'll convince him.

We all deserve a little love in our life.

Go back to your room now.

Everything will work out tomorrow.

- How happy you'll be. - You really mean it?

- Of course, dear. - Thank you, Mom!

I knew you'd understand!

- Madam, I... - Go now.

Go back to your room.

- It's time to rest. - Okay.

I'll leave the door open.

- Don't keep me waiting. - I won't, honey.

Susan? Come on upstairs, it's late.

Yeah, right away.

- I'll be waiting. - Yes.

Bye.

(speaking in a foreign language)

Well, we did it.

Romance trumps bats any day.

(speaking in a foreign language)

- Sit down, dear. - What's gotten into you!?

Nino, allow me to introduce you to Victor, our daughter's boyfriend.

Have you gone nuts?

Perhaps, but it's such a sweet madness.

How I wish everyone could feel as marvelous as I do.

You're drunk, Letizia! You had one too many this morning!

- And you get out of my sight! - Sit.

- Sit here, near your loving mother in law. - Loving what?

We've been unhappily married for years, Nino,

and if you don't listen I'll dump you on the spot.

This young man will marry Carla as soon as possible.

Fat chance!

We both agreed to hate this guy and now you want him to marry Carla?

- Him, a two-bit crooner. - Hey, I'm a legit artist.

- Drop the act, you clown! - Let him speak!

Tell him who I am!

He has a lover's courage!

And he'll fight for the love of his life.

You're quite sure there's nothing wrong with you, darling?

I'm grand.

Never felt so great in my whole life.

This gorgeous location has an almost magical charm to it.

Oh boy!

Oh God!

I slept in Uncle's coffin!

Where did he spend the night, then?

I'm wearing his cape.

What's it doing here?

Think straight.

Now focus and recap.

Vampire-hunting trip with my trusty hammer and stake.

Yep, I remember that perfectly.

No doubts on that, none at all.

Then I heard his booming voice.

I turned and behind me stood...

And there was the vampire, right.

Yes, now I really remember.

That traitorous relative bit me on the neck.

It really sucks to have Uncle Roderico's bite marks on my neck.

He even looked pretty, er, fanged-up when he bit me.

Should I get a rabies shot?

Not that I'm comparing Uncle to some mad dog.

Yeah, he's definitely worse! An anti-vampire shot, that's what I need.

What did I do then?

What did I do after he turned me into a vampire?

My mind's drawing a blank.

I waited all night long like a fool and she never showed up!

I had it worse, pal.

I wandered around the hallways in my pajamas until dawn.

You too? We gotta do something! Don't forget we're spending a fortune here!

Hey, it's you who approached those Northern gals!

So what?

- Kay! - Susan, darling!

- What is it? - We gotta set things straight.

We want to clear things up.

We have nothing to say to each other.

Not anymore.

Just leave us alone.

Where could he be now?

- Do you crave him? - Like crazy!

He makes me despise all other men!

Shoo, leave us alone.

- Good morning. - Wait!

Yes, Miss?

You...

- You mean me, Miss? - Yes.

Another telegram, I presume?

If my father found out, it would be a tragedy.

You can count on my discretion, Miss.

But make sure to keep the telegrams out of your father's sight.

What a thing to say.

I would give my life for you.

- You're making a mistake. - Resisting you would be a mistake.

I know who you really are.

Oh, I get it now. I guess you also know I owned this place.

You sensed the regality under these humble clothes.

- I know everything. - Everything?

- Come. Come with me. - Where to?

Where nobody can see us.

I want to show you the same passion you taught me last night.

- Last night? - Yes.

Come!

Hey, stop being so bitey!

Yes. Like you taught me last night.

Look.

This means that ...

- Excuse me, I must go. - You can't!

I need to visit the man who can help me get to the bottom of this!

- But I'm the one who needs you now! - Please, no more bites!

- I need more! - Well, it's not like I said no.

I didn't say no.

- Tell you what, let's have a mutual biting exchange. - Oh yes.

- Okay? - Yes.

Just stand here and close your pretty eyes.

- You ready? - Yes.

I'm ready.

For the millionth time, Letizia, I'm not interested in talking to this guy!

If you're worried about my income, I assure you I make good money.

You? Good money?

You and your sappy songs can go ride a horse.

It's your right not to like them, but they made me into a millionaire.

Millionaire?

Yeah, I'm making more than half a million a day with my new hit, "Calypso Bimbos."

Pardon me? Can you repeat that?

More than half a million a day.

Half a million?

- Hey, you. - Yeah?

- Have you seen the German professor? - He's napping on a dinghy.

- Ah. - Where are you going?

- To the professor. - I wouldn't. He wants to sleep in peace.

It's always the same with that guy.

- Professor! - What the hell?

- Wakey wakey, Professor! - It's you again!

Calm down and relax, Professor.

I need you once more.

Stay sill and don't rock it. I can't swim!

Calm down already, I can swim for both of us!

You keep tormenting me, blast it!

I feel the urge to murder you on the spot!

- Where did I put my revolver? - Don't get mad, please.

I solemnly swear I won't bother you anymore.

I just need to know what happens if you get bitten by a vampire.

- Tell me and I'll personally fetch your pistol. - Always with the vampires!

- I've had it with them! - I need to know, I'm begging you! Read the passage.

- Translate it. - No!

No, I said! And no means no!

- You almost convinced me, young man. - You'll let Carla marry a crooner like me?

Well, I didn't know crooning was so lucrative nowadays.

There must be a passage on living vampires.

- Here. - Here?

And I won't translate it. I'm done with you!

- Is that how you really feel? - Yes!

Say goodbye to your dinghy, then!

- No! - I'll pull the plug! I swear I will

- No! Don't! Stop! - Nothing can stop me!

Have mercy, don't pull the plug!

- I'll translate! - Sure you will!

Do it.

"The bite of a living vampire makes a vampire out of the victim."

My suspicions were right.

"A living vampire goes out at night, roaming around in search of victims.

The victims submit themselves to the fanged predator.

During the day, a living vampire has no recollection of what they have done."

- That's it? - That's it!

Thanks.

- Thanks, dear Professor! - Go to hell!

- Bye bye! - Bye to you!

Oh boy!

- Hit - Hello.

- Remember me? - Nope!

But I can make a wild guess!

Why did you run away so suddenly last night?

- I've been chasing you all morning. - Oh boy, here we go again.

- We need to talk. - No, we don't.

No way I'm going near another biter!

- Yes, you taught me well! - Right, right.

- Come, let's find a cabin. - Aren't you scared of peeping toms?

You're right, we need something more private.

Come visit me tonight! Tomorrow! Every night!

You got a night watchman job?

Just give me a little bite! Underwater!

- No! Not underwater! - Yes!

From night watchman to scuba diver.

Let's not rush it. I'll come visit you tonight, tomorrow, every night!

Please, just one tiny bite!

No way! My cute little fangs could get tarnished!

- So long, doll! - No, wait!

- Let me help you. - Thanks.

I've been waiting for you since our last encounter.

Her, too!? Man, I was on a roll last night!

- Swinging through every window like a fly. - Oh yes, you swung in like an angel!

- More like a bat. - I've finally found you.

- Oh no, another one. - Scram, he's mine!

No way, he's mine! You scram!

Don't get so worked up. If the director finds out, he'll have my head for this.

- No, don't go! - Bye, girls! See you later, I guess!

(speaking in a foreign language)

- Who did it? Confess! - It wasn't you, that's for sure.

You were sleeping like a baby.

So you have another man!

He's something more than a man.

Much, much more.

You've been acting crazy since last night!

- What a wonderful time we had. - But I got stuck inside the bathroom!

- Leave me alone, I said. - Guendalina!

- You better talk! - Go away, you brute.

I'm a brute? So why did you let someone bite your neck? Look at you!

- This doesn't concern you. - Is that so?

Carla, my love! Your dad gave his consent!

Huh? For what?

Oh, don't play naive with me, dear.

The time for subterfuge has passed.

What are you talking about?

- What? - Our marriage, of course!

- What marriage? - Your marriage with Victor, obviously!

Oh, that one.

Victor.

Now I remember.

Poor Victor.

Do you still want to marry me?

Alas, I don't love you anymore.

- What are you talking about? - I love another man.

- What? - That's preposterous!

You hear all that nonsense, Letizia?

- She keeps changing her mind! - I don't care.

Besides, it's time for me to tell you that I also love another man.

What?

You've all gone crazy!

Lillina! Put that paintbrush down! Stop painting!

Good morning, Baron.

What's the matter with you!?

Leave those crosses alone and come here immediately!

For the love of...

Let me take a good sniff.

You threw the garlic away, didn't you?

I see. That's the way you keep your promises, huh?

I want to do as you wish, Baron, but that was too much!

Those crosses really spoiled the look, you know!

Please, Lillina, listen to me. Put some garlic and a couple crosses back.

I don't want to. It's just too crazy.

A little garlic and one cross, at least!

Very well.

You're fired!

I want you off these premises!

- But why, Baron? Why? - You're out.

I want you to leave these grounds today.

Pack up and go before midnight, to a place so far away I'll never see you again.

I'm officially turning my back on you, see?

- I see. - Go on!

- Yes. I shall go. - Shoo!

You'll never see me again!

Listen, I...

Lillina?

Lillina!

Poor Lillina.

All she had to do was keep a little garlic and one cross.

So beautiful, yet so stubborn.

Gentlemen, I know times are tough but let's not get carried away here.

Vampires do not exist!

- Then explain this diary! - What diary?

Look at the title. It's in German, but we all know what "vampire" means.

I found it in the professor's dinghy.

He's the only man who can help us solve this mystery. Let's go!

Professor?

What's going on?

Could you tell us why you had this book with you?

This blasted book again!

It's driving me insane!

The short bellhop is tormenting me! When I'm in bed, when I'm in dinghy, always!

I'm not even a scholar of vampirism!

I majored in Greek literature, blast it!

Aeschylus! Sophocles! Euripides! Menander!

It's an outrage! All the guests are furious!

You should have told us the castle was infested with a vampire!

You're nothing but a conman!

It's not true! When you bought it from me,

there were only a few lizards and a couple cockroaches, but no vampires!

And how do you explain all those vampirized women, then?

Forty-two women with bites on their necks!

Forty-two? I thought thirty-two at most!

Enough! You either tell us where you hid this vampire or I'm suing you for fraud!

You'll rot in prison!

I didn't commit any fraud, sir.

Since you don't believe me, I'm leaving.

- Cut it out already! - As far away from this castle as I can!!

It's a win-win situation for everyone, believe me.

No way! You're staying here until this bloodsucker is disposed of!

Try to see my point, Director. If I leave, the vampire might follow.

You don't know how their minds work.

And what do you know about them?

I'm no expert, but my plan's worth a try.

And we should try it. Immediately.

Now listen.

I'll leave the castle, then keep you in the loop as I monitor the situation from afar.

- Off I go! - Cut out the comedy act!

You won't leave the castle until we've taken care of this vampire!

See anything suspicious?

Not yet, but better keep an eye out!

Good man, I'll take this floor.

- Need some of my garlic, Colonel? - Save it for your supper, mister!

I'm sticking to something more solid!

- What are you doing? - Nothing.

Trying to make a run for it?

Please, Director, let me leave. I have an appointment at midnight.

Your only appointment is with us!

Let's go, move it. We've got to hunt this vampire down.

Let me go or the consequences could be terrible for all of us!

Quit whining! We're going on a vampire hunt together!

- Now follow me! - Very well.

Well, it figures.

Well? What's keeping you?

Y-y-you.

You.

You're the vampire.

That's Mr. Vampire to you.

- Do it! - Yessir.

Yes, yes, as you wish.

Yes, Mr. Vampire.

That's better.

No! Have mercy on me!

Don't bite me, I beg you!

Me? Bite you? Gimme a break!

With that boot-shaped nose of yours?

- I loathe you. - Thanks, much appreciated!

My pleasure.

I'm not going to bite you, rest assured.

You kinda bother me, though.

You get even more annoying during nighttime, imagine that.

Are you really the director of this hotel?

- Yes, yes I am. - No!

- No! No! No! - Nope.

You're not the director, then.

- You know your way around this castle? - Yes?

- No, you don't! - No, I don't!

You don't know one bit about this castle.

But I do.

Come with me, you big bully.

Come with me.

Getting scared, huh?

You think you know this castle, don't you?

You know about this lion, then?

- Yes? - No!

- No! Nope!

Guess what it is.

Actually, allow me to show you.

Consider yourself lucky there are no crocodiles down there anymore.

So long, Director!

- Hurry up! - Calm down.

Calm down? It's midnight already!

We better make a run for it!

We'd look like a pair of cowards if anybody walked in.

Feel free to stay behind with the vampire and the Northern gals!

Oh God!

Is he behind me?

Quit acting like a fool, you coward!

That's what I call a withering stare.

Next time I might even kill them.

We searched the whole place!

No sign up there either!

There they are!

His first victims.

He must have gone this way.

See to them while I take a look around!

I think he's hiding in one of these rooms.

- Let's search them, sir. - What's the use, old boy?

What good did all our searching do?

I'm convinced this vampire story is just a big, fat hoax!

Then explain Carla's change in behavior and the bite marks on her neck!

This vampire exists, and I'm gonna find him!

Yeah, yeah, but I'm like whatshisname... Saint Thomas. I've gotta see to believe!

Besides, if this so-called vampire dares to come at me,

rest assured I'll show him a thing or two!

- Sir? - Yes?

What would you do if he dared come at you?

- What would I do? - Yes.

I'll give him a proper slap.

Help! Help me!

- Help! - What happened?

I need help!

Victor!

There!

He's there! Behind the painting!

The vampire! The vampire!

- There's nothing there. - He's not in there?

- Maybe you hallucinated. - I saw him! My damn mind is still sound!

I saw him!

There he is!

What now? Can't I get a minute of sleep in this cursed hotel?

Nope. The place is chock-full of vampires.

Get that into your head, you fool.

You? You're the vampire! The short bellhop is a vampire?

- I'm going mad! Totally insane! - Bye, dear Professor.

- Where's the vampire? - He went that way! Hurry!

- Over there! - Let's get him!

- He's running towards the park! - After him, quick!

Lillina.

What do you want at this hour, Baron?

Take a guess.

I have no idea.

You sent me away. I can't imagine what else you could possibly want.

I want you to stay.

I acted like a fool yesterday.

Your place is here.

Close to me.

I want you very close to me.

You've changed your mind, then?

Did you really believe I could go on living without my Lillina?

Oh, Baron!

Thank you!

Thank you, Baron!

Do you feel okay?

Damn him.

He let someone kiss him.

- This way! - It's the only house in the area!

- He must be hiding in there! - Let's search it!

- Open up! - Open the door!

What are those people up to?

Don't worry about them, just tell me what happened after I got here.

- You don't remember? - No.

You said you didn't want me to go away anymore.

That's all?

- Why are they shouting like that? - They're looking for me.

- You? - Yes.

I'll explain everything, but now isn't the time.

- Use the door in the back! - I know. Thanks, Lillina.

- Let's kick the door down! - Open up, damn it!

- Open the door! - Wait! There he is!

- Hurry! - Let's catch him!

- After him! - Stop!

I can't take this anymore!

There, look!

- He's in here! - There he is!

- Cornered, at last! - Your time's up, bloodsucker!

- Prepare to get staked! - A fitting end for a vampire!

Gentlemen! One moment, please.

Calm down, everybody.

You're all spouting a bunch of nonsense, if you don't mind me saying.

Incredibly absurd nonsense at that.

Did I actually hear somebody mention vampires?

There's one right here.

Why, gentlemen, if this fellow here is a vampire, then I must be one as well.

- Well put. - Be quiet, you!

Remember your place.

You actually believe that this sorry excuse of a man could be a vampire?

We saw him flying off walls just like a bat.

And I saw his vampire teeth, sir!

Vampire's fangs? Oh, come on.

- The only vampire here is... - Enough!

Surely you're not going to accuse him based on this evidence, right?

He hypnotized our wives!

And they all have his bite marks on their necks.

What's all this commotion about, Victor?

Why aren't you in bed, dear?

Bite marks on their necks, you said?

I don't see anything.

Marks? What is he talking about?

He's right, I can't see anything.

How could I allow anyone to bite me on the neck, dear?

Did we all experience a big hallucination, Carla?

I don't know what you're talking about, Victor.

Care to explain what's going on?

I thought I had bitten them both.

They told me themselves.

You don't remember anything? Do you still want to marry me?

Of course, dear.

Why even ask such a foolish question?

You know how much I love you.

But you said you were in love with someone else.

Victor, it must have been a bad dream.

Carla, shall we go back to bed? I'm terribly sleepy.

- Good night, dear. - Good night, darling.

Quit this tomfoolery and go back to bed.

I don't know what's going on.

It's just like I said, this vampire thing is a lot of hogwash.

But didn't you see him yourself?

It's my blood pressure, dear Victor. It keeps playing tricks on me!

I remember when I was in Montecatini, I thought I saw a whale sleeping in my bed!

Then I realized I was sleeping next to a mirror!

- Nice story, sir. - You can say that again!

- But I'm sure I saw him! - Yeah, he's right!

- We all saw him! - Yeah, we all did! They had bite marks!

Are you surprised?

Strange. You should be surprised you actually believed such ridiculous stories.

It's 1959, after all.

How can someone still believe in the existence of vampires?

Real vampires? Absolutely ridiculous!

It's just a bunch of superstitious nonsense.

Why did this man run away from us, then?

And why did he wear this cape?

Not the cloak again, please!

A bunch of childish superstitions, I say!

Sir, I'm surprised at you. Do you believe that witches exist, too?

They do not, of course!

Do they actually exist?

I'm convinced you're all victims of a collective hallucination.

Emphasis on "collective.”

He's right.

- Let's go, dear. - All's well that ends well.

- I really thought I saw him! - Same here!

Thank you for calming my guests.

I owe you one.

He's my uncle.

From the Hapsburg side of the family.

We're grateful to both of you.

- You're welcome. - There he is! The vampire!

He's the one! Kill him!

He's the vampire!

He's the vampire! Look what he did to me! He's the one!

Now we know who started this vampire story!

Look at the state he's in, trying to scare us all!

- I saw his mouth! Those tiny vampire fangs! - You're talking nonsense!

He's gone mad! Have a good look and tell me if you can see any fangs!

Have a good look, gentlemen.

- I know what I saw! - Nuts, I tell you.

Get out of here! And take your disgraceful lies with you!

That will teach you not to insult the good name of this hotel!

Kick that clown out of here!

Capes do not a vampire make, you lying fool!

What is the world coming to?

We live in a free country!

Oh, yes!

Capes, coffins, and fangs are all constitutional rights!

Stop discriminating against coffin owners!

Vampires don't exist, right?

Even though you, er... own a coffin.

Yes, they exist.

Then the other night you really bit me?

Yes.

- So you're are a... - Quiet!

It's your fault I've returned to my former state.

I could have slept in peace for eternity!

- But I didn't... - You did!

It was that kiss. One moment of weakness that reawakened my thirst.

Baron!

Not!

No, not Lillina!

Baron?

Baron?

No! Spare Lillina!

- No! - Go away!

Where are they?

Poor Lillina.

Wait, I... Yes, the cock.

When the cock crows, she'll be saved!

Wake up, Giovannino, please. You have to sing to put Uncle back in his coffin!

Look at you. You're so cute. Sing, Giovannino, sing!

Will you sing already, Giovannino?

Giovannino, I know it's not wake-up time yet.

Do it for old times' sake, Giovannino! I saved you from the pot a million times!

I gave you seven years of peace. Few of your friends can say the same!

Sing! Please, sing!

Sing already!

I know how to fix you.

Look, Giovannino, look at the sun rising high behind the barn.

Don't you hear the birds chirping?

Listen, Giovannino, you've got to start singing when the sun rises.

Just do your damn job!

Look at the sun rising!

So you won't sing, huh?

We'll see.

Serenade her, come on.

Look how pretty she is. Show her what you can do!

You're supposed to sing for pretty chickens, right?

You're not a cock, you're just a capon!

Thank you, Giovannino!

Lillina!

I saved her.

Lillina?

It's me, wake up!

It's me, Lillina, wake up!

Osvaldo.

- My Osvaldo. - You finally called me Osvaldo.

- I love you, Baron. I mean Osvaldo. - Osvaldo, yes!

- My beloved Lillina. - I was so scared.

Who's the scoundrel who scared my Lillina? Who, I ask?

I don't know, I was on the stairway and, all of a sudden

I saw an incredibly tall, vampiric man.

A vampire? Why, Lillina, vampires don't exist. They're just fiction.

Guess we better swap places.

You're the most important thing for me, Lillina.

And I give you all my love.

We're going to get married soon.

- Oh, yes. - Yes, we will.

I'm only a humble gardener.

What will your relatives think?

Relatives? I have no relatives!

- What about your uncle, then? - Oh, forget about him.

He only stayed for a few days.

He'll be gone soon.

Remind me to ship his luggage tomorrow, by the way.

Got it, Lillina?

Darling.

Only a few minutes to wait for the baggage car, sir. Dead on time.

- Dead on time? - Yes.

Figures.

Good night.

Uncle?

Time flies. Too bad it's already time to for you to leave.

I guess I must thank you, in a way.

Me and Lillina are getting married, and I'm the new director of the hotel.

I really meant to stake you then and there, though.

Not saying anything, huh? Guilty conscience, I bet!

But, at the end of the day, you're still a Hapsburg relative.

Uncle? Uncle?

You still there? I've got great plans for you.

I'm sending you to the North Pole. They've got six months of darkness over there!

You'll knock yourself out!

Congratulations, you have a great imagination.

I thought you were in here!

My dear nephew, I've been getting in and out of coffins for 400 years.

That's right.

I confess I wouldn't mind your North Pole idea, though.

- Yeah? - But alas,

fate has something else in store for me.

You're right! Even the professor said so!

Vampires turn to ashes after 400 years! Don't turn to ashes, Uncle, please!

I couldn't bear the sight. I'm too much of a wimp!

- I beg your pardon? - You're about to disintegrate!

You're mistaken.

There is my destiny.

Well, that was unexpected.

I'm glad he found new life with those two beauties, though.

Yeah, yeah, I know he can be a handful, but what can you do?

But why waste time staking an undead uncle?

He's better off undead, I say.

And there's your happy ending, too.

Boy, it's hard being a vampire!

THE END

Subtitled by Francesco Massaccesi