Original subtitles

What's this?

Milk, mum. Good for the stomach.

My stomach's not so bad I need that poison.

You can take it away again.

Very good, mum.

What do you know about Cowes, Merriman?

Cows, mum?

Yeah.

Oh, some sort of parlor game, mum?

Eh?

Uh, cows. Large vegetarian mammals,

female of the bovine species, with udders.

I'm talking about rudders, not udders.

Cowes... the sailing place.

Tillers and spinnakers and ruddy great yachts.

Are you a sailing man, Merriman?

Not as I say I was, no, ma'am.

Well, you better start learning quick

'cause I'm thinking of taking a place down there.

"Right on the front" it says in the advertisement.

Close the hotel, mum?

Yeah, just for a few weeks.

Have holiday. Bit of a rest.

All the nobs are down there, you know:

the King, the Kaiser, the Czar of Russia.

All got their yachts down there.

Look a bit cheerful, can't you?

It's a treat I'm giving you

if the deal comes off.

Oh, thank you, mum.

It will be most agreeable, I'm sure.

Ah, Lord Haslemere's a yachting man,

isn't he, mum?

Member of the Royal Sailing Club, I believe.

He's the man to ask about Cowes, I should think.

Yeah.

Mmm. Sea air.

You can smell it, can't you?

I needed a day out.

I'm afraid I can't take you in with me.

I haven't got a badge for you.

I didn't know you were coming quite so far with me.

I see.

Frightfully sorry.

Look, this committee meeting

won't take very long.

I'll meet you back here at about 1:00,

take you for a jolly luncheon on my yacht.

What will you do till then?

Oh, don't worry about me. I'll uh...

..stroll along the prom or something.

Yes. Well, the town's awfully pretty.

Yeah. Hurry up. You're late, aren't you?

Well, yes, I am, rather.

Morning, Wilkins!

Morning, my lord.

Morning, my lady.

Good morning, Wilkins.

- Morning, ma'am. - Morning, Wilkins.

Sorry, ma'am.

You can't come in here without a badge.

Yeah, yeah. All right, all right.

They've started without you, dear boy.

Oh, lord.

I do apologize, gentlemen. I had a puncture on the way.

It'd be appreciated it if new members of the committee

could arrive puncture-lessly.

Shall I read the minutes again, Sir Evelyn?

No, no. For God's sake, get on with it.

Well, the item we're discussing is

a rather delicate one.

A distinguished old member

of many years' standing...

Lord Moffat.

Has taken to swimming at 7:00 in the morning

with his lady wife from the clubhouse steps.

Both well over 80.

While we all admire their Corinthian spirit...

against the rules.

Quite.

CHARLIE: Does it matter?

What?

At 7:00 in the morning, I mean. Who's up to see them?

Wilkins at the gate, I'm afraid.

He reported them officially,

so we have to take action.

A quiet word, I'd have thought.

I tried that, colonel. I'm afraid his lordship

was rather abrupt with me.

Well, the old boy's a law unto himself.

Can't we just let it be?

No. Let him do it, you'll start a craze for it.

You've got to hit him.

Fair slap amidship's my opinion.

Rather you than me, Swain.

He was a bare-fist amateur boxer in his day.

Not to mention an ex-viceroy.

And a longstanding friend of our admiral.

Another slight problem.

MAN: Yes, yes.

What do you think, Sir Evelyn?

He's a damn nuisance.

Um...uh, well, couldn't we give a ruling to the effect that

the privilege of bathing from the steps

is reserved for members of 80 years and over?

Well, that way he can carry on unmolested by Wilkins

and we stop the thing spreading.

I'm sorry. I wasn't intending to be frivolous.

Perfectly splendid idea. I'll second that.

Wisdom of Solomon, my dear boy.

Shall we take a vote, sir?

Yes, yes.

Those in favor?

Yes. Yes.

Carried.

Well, the next item, also rather vexing:

the question of whether we continue with our plans

to purchase rock cottage next door

in order to accommodate the needs of the ladies.

I did put in an offer,

the figure we agreed on at the last meeting,

but I'm afraid it was short

of the asking price.

The question is, do we increase it?

A waste of money!

But the ladies do have a problem.

Nowhere to go if the weather's bad.

The marquee.

Well, it's only up in regatta week.

And it's not just the weather, is it?

I mean, they're rather stuck on the lawn for other emergencies.

Well, they do have

the strangers' lavatory.

Complaints about that.

Not very clean, I'm told.

And they have to queue up.

Ticklish one, this.

Sir Evelyn.

We're not having them in the clubhouse.

It's just about the last place on earth

you can escape from your wife and your mistress.

Hear, hear.

Now look here. We've really got to get it for 'em.

You agree, don't you, Arthur?

Mutiny otherwise...

From my wife, certainly.

And also we protect ourselves

from the possibility of undesirable neighbors.

Raise the offer another 200.

This is the main drawing room.

And the balcony.

Nice view.

Oh, the view is second to none,

Mrs. Trotter...

Especially in regatta week.

Right on the finishing line.

Bit small.

Well, of course, for entertaining,

there's the annexe

attached to the house

with the staff quarters above.

In Mrs. Crisp's day,

there used to be the most wonderful parties, I'm told.

Fairy lights hanging from the bushes in the garden.

She used to entertain the Prince of Wales here,

you know, as he then was.

Did she, now? I suppose that puts

the price up a bit, does it?

Well...

It could do with a bit of a cleanup.

Otherwise, it's all right.

How much do you want for it?

You're making an offer?

Yes. Something wrong?

No, no. It's just that we have had another inquiry.

I shouldn't really divulge it.

It's from the sailing club next door.

It didn't quite meet our estimation,

but we are rather waiting for them to come back.

Well, whatever they offered,

I'll match it and raise you 300.

Oh, really?

Cash.

Louisa, you can't do it!

Too late, my lord.

Sheets, pillowcases...

The sailing club needs it.

They should have been quicker off the mark.

Piano, fairy lights...

Did you just walk in that day?

No, no. Planned it long before that.

Saw it advertised.

You took advantage of me.

Oh, come on, I only begged a lift off of you.

Well, you made it damned awkward for me, you know.

When the committee hear about our connection,

they'll think I put you up to it.

So what?

Some of me best clients are members of your snobby club:

old Saffron Walden, Reggie Blenkiron.

They'll be happy to have me. My personal friends, they are.

But Rose Blenkiron won't be your friend, my dear.

The lady wives of the members had set

their little hearts on that cottage.

Come on, Charlie. Whose side are you on?

You should be pleased as punch.

You always said you had nowhere to stay down there.

Well, you got me now.

We'll liven the place up a bit.

Course you could pretend you don't know me,

but we are having a housewarming next Wednesday,

if you care to drop in.

No, no. I shall be up here on Wednesday.

Cook your own meals if you are. Place is closed.

What?

Holiday, Charlie. I need one. I'm tired.

I need to charge meself up a bit.

Enough in the kitty till the autumn.

Oh, come on.

Tommy Shepherd's coming down with Mrs...

What's her name? Delaney.

Oh, not those two.

What's wrong with them?

He's an insufferable bore, and she shrieks all the time.

Oh, he's all right when he's sober.

Wrote me a poem once.

Instead of a check, no doubt.

Eh?

Well, he's the most notorious scrounger in London.

Yeah, well, she pays for him now.

That money her husband left her,

the shoe merchant.

You are the most awful snob.

You only tolerate him

because he's the second son of an earl.

Here, watch it. You're the snob.

Just 'cause she's a salesgirl

did herself a bit of good in the world.

Oh! It's pointless arguing with you.

Irene Baker's coming.

What?

Irene Baker's coming!

Irene. Is she?

Yeah.

But she's performing in her show.

No, she finishes Saturday.

Fancies a rest like I do.

But how did you get her?

Half of London must be offering her yachts and villas.

She's the catch of the season.

Well, I wouldn't know about that.

But she was in here the other night with...

I don't know. Someone or other.

I mentioned it, I said you might be there,

and she seemed to jump at it.

Oh, I'm sorry, madam.

Yes, Starr. What is it?

Well, it's about this holiday, madam.

I was wondering if you was requiring me and Fred.

I'm not really a man for the seaside.

The, uh, sun affects me,

and Fred's not one for the water,

and we've got a chance of visiting a farm in Essex...

a friend of mine from army days...

and Fred likes running about a farm.

I'm sorry. You're out of luck.

I need you to drive the bus

since the major's not here

and help out generally.

Oh...yes.

But Fred, madam.

What about him?

Well, I was thinking he might be a nuisance.

Well, he's always a nuisance.

We have to put up with him, don't we?

Yes, madam.

He can keep out trespassers.

Yes, madam.

Right.

Ha ha ha ha!

Louisa, you're incorrigible.

Oh, changed your tune, have you?

What is it? What is it?

Singing, I presume.

Singing?

We're here! Step out, you lot!

Ohh!

They're here, Mrs. Cochrane.

They're coming up the path.

Lord, how many of them?

6, not counting Mr. Starr and Mrs. Trotter.

They're early.

They look a bit tipsy. Oh, Miss Baker's with them!

Come and have a look, quick!

I'm just not ready for them!

She's ever so beautiful!

Now, come away from that window

and wake him up!

Mr. Merriman, the bus has come!

Mrs. Trotter's here! Wake up!

Oh, blimey!

What a den of utter enchantment!

Are you being funny?

No, no, it's delightful! Truly delightful!

It's a bit musty. Needs a bit of living in.

That's what we're here for,

to provide that very ingredient, are we not?

And Miss Baker will dance for us, won't you, my dear?

Well, I've come here to rest.

Oh, just a tiny twirl.

Leave her alone, darling.

Come and look at the nice garden.

Merriman!

Where you been, for God's sake,

and where's the bloomin' tea?

Just coming, mum. In a jiffy.

I say, croquet! Whoopee!

Aah! Lovely!

Ooh! Ooh!

Grab a mallet, old girl!

Right!

Out in the garden we'll have it.

Yes, mum.

Spoons, Ethel.

What's this supposed to be?

It's supposed to be a kitchen.

And servants hall.

She thinks we're going to keep up the standard

of the Bentinck in this place...

Well, we can't all live in here.

It's the black hole of Calcutta.

I don't want Fred in here, nor his basket.

He'll have to be in here. There's no front hall to speak of.

He'll just have to spend his time in the garden.

I'm sorry. I don't want him in here,

not with food about.

They want tea served in the garden.

I can't carry it all up the stairs,

through the sitting room,

onto the terrace, down the stairs again...

not every day.

I'll help.

No, you won't. Your place is here with me, Ethel.

Fetch that pot and put it on the tray.

Oh, just look at the view.

It's right on the finishing line in regatta week.

TOMMY: I'm going to have a go!

Mind it doesn't go in the sea!

I hope not!

LOUISA: Afternoon, ladies.

Mr. Walden, who are those dreadful

people next door?

Mrs. Trotter and guests.

Mrs. Delaney: that's it, now.

TOMMY: Hang on, old girl, hang on.

Wonderful! What should we do now?

You have to hit it back here now.

This one?

Yes. See if you can hit the pole.

Hit the pole?

Yes, hit the pole.

All right. Ah! Missed again!

There's a woman out there

twirling about half-naked!

Yes, sir. I understand she's Miss Irene Baker,

the celebrated dancer.

I don't care who she is! Get rid of her!

This is a sailing club, not a bordello!

There's nothing we can do.

She's on the other side of the wall.

I know that we ladies do not play a large part in your thinking, major,

but my husband, uh, did inform me quite categorically

that house was to be ours.

That was our intention, I assure you, Lady Blenkiron,

but our club funds are not inexhaustible,

and I'm afraid we were quite simply

outbid by this lady.

Lady?

I've heard she runs a house of ill fame.

A what?

A house of ill fame.

Elspeth, that's nonsense. Who on earth told you that?

Oh, I've heard it from several sources.

No, no. The Bentinck's perfectly decent.

Everyone stays there:

the King in his time, Lloyd George.

Exactly.

Clergy, don't they?

Clergy? Yes, lots of clergy.

And I live there, as it happens.

It's a jolly nice place.

I never knew you'd been there, Arthur.

Ladies, I must beg you not to be prejudiced by gossip.

It's not gossip, Charles.

We have the evidence of our eyes this afternoon.

Only if they stand on basket chairs.

And our ears. All through tea, shrieks and bawdy songs

which quite drowned the band.

Really, ladies, we shall be keeping

a careful eye on the situation,

and if we feel a complaint

to anyone is justified,

I promise you, we shan't hesitate to make it.

Now, if you will excuse me, I really must be getting ashore.

Well, I'll see you to the gig.

♪ And it's all right in the summertime ♪

♪ In the summertime it's lovely ♪

♪ While my old man's painting hard ♪

♪ I'm posing in the old backyard ♪

♪ But, oh, oh, in the wintertime ♪

♪ It's another thing, you know ♪

♪ With a little red nose and very little clothes ♪

♪ And the stormy winds do blow ♪

♪ My old man is a very funny chap ♪

♪ He's an artist in the royal academy ♪

♪ He paints pictures morning until night ♪

♪ Paints them with his left hand ♪

♪ Paints them with his right ♪

♪ And all his subjects, take a tip from me ♪

♪ Are very, very Eve and Adamy ♪

♪ And I'm the model that has to pose ♪

♪ For his pictures every day ♪

♪ And it's all right in the summertime ♪

♪ In the summertime it's lovely ♪

♪ While my old man's painting hard ♪

♪ I'm posing in the old backyard ♪

♪ But, oh, oh, in the wintertime ♪

♪ It's another thing, you know ♪

♪ With a little red nose and very little clothes ♪

♪ And the stormy winds do blow, oh, oh ♪

♪ And the stormy winds do blow ♪

Oh, ha ha ha!

Bravo! Bravo! Marvelous!

Splice the mainbrace, Merriman, old chap!

Any more of that, dear,

and you'll be like a wet weekend.

What?

Now you'll dance for us, naturally.

Follow Mrs. Trotter? Not likely.

Yes. Wise of you, my little flower.

Haslemere, my dear chap,

Mrs. T wasn't sure if you were coming.

Have you, um, have you met my fiancée Clara?

She thinks I'm marrying her for her money,

but it's not true. Not true at all.

It's all right, dear.

Come outside and look at the pretty fairy lights.

- See you later, old boy. - Yes, right.

Where have you been, just as a matter of interest?

Yes, I'm sorry.

I had another engagement...

On a yacht.

Talk about us, did they?

You were mentioned.

Old Saffron Walden says we've ruffled a few feathers already...

only been here half a day.

I shouldn't worry.

They're an awfully stuffy lot, some of them.

Will you excuse me, please?

Irene.

Hello.

Charles, dear boy,

I was just saying to Miss Baker

that her dance was like a sharp, white little star

in a horribly dull season.

You would agree?

I would, indeed.

I can't remember a more intensely enjoyable evening in the theater.

Thank you.

I can't remember a nicer compliment.

And that other evening at the Bentinck...

Then Romano's.

Oh, yes. I...

..I was hoping that I might have seen you again after Romano's.

Well, you were so surrounded by admirers,

I thought my chances were slim, to say the least.

You should have had more faith.

Well, now...

Yes. Thanks to Mrs. Trotter.

Yes.

How long can you stay?

Well, I have 3 weeks until my next engagement.

But that's marvelous!

Have you ever been sailing before?

Oh, I used to stand on the beach as a child

and watch the great yachts go by

and dream that someday perhaps...

Well, I shall take you sailing and fulfill your dreams,

if you'll allow me.

Yes, of course I will.

Time for supper, I think, Merriman.

Yes, mum.

And what are you cooking over there,

you wicked woman?

Oh, just an harmless little soufflé.

Mmm.

You and me could be on that farm now, Fred.

Just think of that, eh? Rabbits.

Are you not enjoying yourself, Mr. Starr?

No, I'm not.

A change is as good as a rest, they say.

Last holiday I had was 14 years ago,

when Mr. Cochrane was took in the sea at Margate.

I went off holidays after that,

but then I wouldn't mind one now, I must say.

Where would you go, Mrs. C,

if you had the pick of the whole world?

Not Margate, I presume.

No, I'd go to me daughter's at Wigan.

Wigan?

There's a choice spot.

I like it here.

The seaside, and the feeling of romance in the house.

I think it's lovely.

You shouldn't fill your head with such thoughts.

- It's not healthy. - I can't help it.

I just have to look at Miss Baker, and I'm trembling.

She's set her compass at his lordship, all right,

and no mistake.

All these nautical terms, Fred.

What does Mrs. Trotter think about it?

Seems to encourage it.

She'll never make a lady, will she?

Not in a hundred years.

Why not?

Her father's a jobbing builder from Bognor.

That's why not, Ethel.

Mr. Starr, would you mind not doing that in here?

His hairs are flying all over the place.

Well, anyway, lady or not,

I don't half wish I had her body.

We'll have 2 new bottles, I say.

Ha ha ha ha!

Oh!

I say! Old chap!

A little matter I'd like to clear up with you.

I've put up with your sailing club 5 times now

and been blackballed every time.

What's the matter with me?

Fairly good pedigree...

Even owned a little racing cutter once.

Brewers and whiskey distillers

often get in.

Oh...do they?

But not Turks and Kurds.

What? What are you talking about?

I'm not a turd or...

Ha ha ha!

I think he's being a bit saucy with you, darling.

Come along. Bedtime.

Oh, yes.

Hee hee hee!

Really, Louisa, you must try and improve

the quality of some of your friends.

Yeah, well, there's others think that.

They got to have somewhere to go...

people like them... so they come to me.

It's all part of the service, Mr. Walden.

And now you're rebuking me.

No. I will say this.

I'd rather have them as me friends

than your lot over the wall

from what I've seen so far.

What have you seen?

Snooty faces peering at me.

Well, you know why that is.

They wanted your annexe.

What for?

Their convenience.

They've nowhere to go.

Well, can't they go in the clubhouse?

Ladies aren't allowed in the clubhouse.

God's truth, it's worse than I thought.

You mean they can't piddle in their own place,

so they'll have to come over to my place to piddle?

You have it in a nutshell.

Now I must leave you, my dear.

It's been a delightful evening.

You can be sure I shall come again.

Will there be anything more this evening, mum?

No, no, not for me there won't.

Rooms all ready, are they?

Just about, mum.

Mr. Starr was helping. We're a bit shorthanded.

There's not many of us.

I know, mum.

Will his lordship be staying?

I don't know.

You better ask him, hadn't you?

Yes, mum.

Good night, mum.

Ah! Now, that's Jupiter.

I think.

Or is it the pole star?

Ha ha ha! I don't think you know.

You're quite right.

MERRIMAN: Anything else,

my lord?

What, what? Yes! Merriman, that bottle's empty.

No!

Don't...move.

The moon's caught you perfectly.

You know, on stage

I thought you were the most divine apparition I'd ever seen.

Offstage...

I find you even more divine.

Oh, Irene...

Thank you, Merriman. Don't wait up.

You'll turn the lights out,

will you, my lord?

Yes, yes.

Uh, good night, my lord.

Good night, Merriman.

Good night.

Uh...

I've imagined someone like you all my life...

My lord.

Not so bad after all, eh, Starr?

No, madam, the air is surprisingly bracing.

There's Lord Pembury.

If his wife knew what I knew about him,

she wouldn't be so pleased with herself.

Isn't that her?

Yes, I do believe...

Good morning, ladies.

Don't answer.

Good morning.

Who's that extraordinary little man

with that dreadful, common little dog?

STARR: Did you hear that, madam?

I did.

Animals should really be kept off the promenade.

What do you suppose them cardboard discs are, Starr?

First prize at the donkey show?

She's insulting us!

What can you expect, Elspeth,

with women who keep bordellos?

What?!

STARR: No! No!

Don't rise to it, madam, I beg you!

I'm not having my reputation impugned by her sort!

I've lived too long for that!

CHARLIE: What's happened?

I've been insulted, that's what!

By ladies from your club!

Called me a brothelkeeper.

What are you laughing at, Miss Baker?

I'm sorry.

I want their names, both of them.

One looks like a barge in full sail,

and the other's short and pink and ugly

and puddles along behind her.

Who are they, Charlie?

If I told you their names, you couldn't remember them.

Oh, I would them two, make no mistake.

They sound like Rose Blenkiron and Elspeth Sibley.

Blenkiron and Sibley. Write it down, Starr.

CHARLIE: Oh, for heaven's sake, Louisa.

Don't be so silly! Ignore them!

I don't ignore personal insults, Charlie!

You know that!

Of course you do. You're on holiday,

and we're here to enjoy ourselves, aren't we?

Not to watch you indulge

in some trivial vendetta.

Come on, my angel.

Where are we going?

- We are going sailing. - Oh, lovely!

What are you gawping at?

I say!

I'd call round at her stage door any evening!

Ha ha ha!

You know what you are, don't you?

You're a naughty old Piccadilly Johnny!

Ha ha! He's very well known as Algie

to the ladies on the stage!

♪ And a jolly good chap is Algie ♪

♪ 'cause Algie's all the rage. ♪

♪ And a jolly good favorite Algie ♪

♪ to the barmaids at the Crown. ♪

♪ He's very well known as Algie ♪

♪ as the Piccadilly Johnny with the little glass eye. ♪

That's wonderful!

♪ He's very well known as Algie ♪

♪ to the ladies on the stage. ♪

♪ And a jolly good boy is Algie ♪

♪ 'cause Algie's all the rage. ♪

♪ And a jolly good favorite Algie ♪

♪ to the barmaids at the Crown. ♪

♪ He's very well known as Algie ♪

♪ as the Piccadilly Johnny with the little glass eye. ♪

I say! I say!

What about a bit of gaming, eh?

Police! Complain!

I don't think we can.

Half our members are over there.

What?!

I hate to name names, but I think we have...

We have Lord Haslemere to thank for this.

Rumor has it that it was he who told this woman

about the cottage and urged her to buy it.

Did he, by jove?

What?

I'll have 25!

I say, lend us a pound, old girl.

Here you are. Don't spend it all at once.

Red 19.

Are you sure?

On the brink!

ALL: Oh!

Twos lose!

LOUISA: All right. That's your luck!

Clear off home!

Oh, just one more.

I'm tired. Off you go.

Oh, don't be so bloomin' stingy, Tommy.

Leave it for the poor old staff.

Splendid evening. Splendid.

Oh, splendid to have you down here, Mrs. Trotter.

Told your wife where you are tonight, eh?

Good lord, no.

Not a word, eh?

They think we're playing bridge.

Quite convenient, not letting ladies in there.

They don't know what you're up to.

That is the object of the exercise, yes.

But we'd still have to creep out

through the garden tonight anyway.

Back gate to avoid Wilkins.

What a life.

My dear, there are occasions

we allow ladies in.

Escorted by a member, they can view the cups.

Yes, and on the last night of the regatta,

they can watch the fireworks from the platform.

Oh, that must be a thrill.

Well, I believe Queen Victoria

was the only lady ever to be entertained there.

Yes. She was asked to tea once.

It only happened though because,

the commodore then happened to be her own son.

Who's your commodore now?

You wanted to see me, sir?

Yes, Haslemere. Shut the door.

Sit down.

This woman friend of yours next door...

- Do you mean Mrs. Trotter, sir? - Yes.

You know her pretty well, I understand.

Yes, I do, sir.

And you told her to buy the cottage.

Certainly not. I had no idea.

That's not what I heard.

Anyway, she's causing trouble.

Complaints from members. Noise!

Really, sir?

Tell her to pipe down or get out.

Sir Evelyn, I don't think it's any of my business.

What?

Well, you can hear her now, damn it.

Devil of a row going on,

frightening all the ladies.

I'm in quite enough trouble with them as it is.

Just a few high spirits, sir.

Ha ha ha!

Oh, not there. Not there.

Here. You watch this one.

Would you be kind enough

to make a little less noise, please?

And would you be kind enough to ask your band

to make a little less noise?

Would you, please?

Louder. Play louder.

WOMAN: My turn now.

All right. That does it!

Merriman!

Merriman!

Merriman!

Merriman!

Get the pots!

Pots, mum?

The pots.

The chamber pots. Get 'em.

All of 'em, mum?

Yeah, all of 'em, and tell Starr to bring them out in the garden.

We'll show 'em.

Most of the stories about Mrs. Trotter,

whatever you may have heard, sir, are quite unfounded.

She's rather a serious person, actually.

Marvelous cook.

You really must sample her cooking sometime.

She's enormously fond of children and animals.

Old ladies stay at the Bentinck quite happily,

and the Bishop of Winchelsea

wouldn't stay anywhere else.

In fact, he once told me that he found the atmosphere there

as peaceful as his own cathedral close.

Have you considered the cost, madam?

It's worth every penny.

Ready?

LADIES: Yes.

Fire!

Steward?

Disgraceful!

My God!

Ha ha ha! You should have heard them!

Squealing like stuck pigs, they was!

Carnage!

That'll teach them to insult us on the promenade, eh, Fred?

Sound like a lot of daft kids.

We'll all go to prison!

That'd be an holiday.

It was unforgivable.

What on earth possessed you?

They asked for it.

They didn't ask to be bombarded with chamber pots.

My God.

You might have killed someone, you know that?

There were old ladies there with matchstick bones.

I was only giving them something they needed...

..badly, by all accounts.

Well, there's trouble, I'm telling you.

The commodore's furious, with good reason.

He wants an immediate apology.

I'm not apologizing.

You are apologizing.

You behavior was stupid,

dangerous, and damned irresponsible.

Well, your behavior ain't been much

to write home about these last few days.

What?

Don't look so innocent. You and Miss Baker.

Oh, good lord, but that's quite unfair.

Is it?

You more or less threw us together.

Yeah, well, you don't have to make such a meal of it.

Sorry...if we've offended you.

Oh, no, you haven't. I'm just pointing out

when it comes to behaving in public,

none of us is perfect.

Oh, for God's sake, Louisa!

Irene and I are having fun, yes.

I mean, she's awfully sweet. I'm fond of her.

Going to marry her?

No, of course I'm not going to marry her.

At least I don't think so.

Would you mind if I did?

Of course not. It's your life. You do what you like.

Well, you know I couldn't do that,

not without your approval.

To be quite honest, I was looking on Irene as a...

..blow for freedom.

What do you mean?

Well, to...help...separate us.

It must happen one day, mustn't it?

I thought she was a sort of...present.

I was rather touched.

Charlie...

Just a moment, my angel.

See you in a moment.

Look, I...

I think it's best if perhaps I leave here.

Why?

Well, I just do. I...

Well, you can't go.

Can't leave me to the mercy of...

Wart-Grantly, whatever his name is.

Yes. Yes, he wants to see you.

I'm supposed to arrange it.

Well, he could always pop around here.

Can invite me round to his place.

I think it's hardly likely that he'll do that.

No. We shall have to find some common ground.

"Minstrel Whiskers."

Blenkiron's yacht. I'll fix it for tomorrow.

No, Charlie, I'm not going there,

not with that wife of his.

I wouldn't trust meself.

You'll do as you're told.

Here. I wasn't expecting all that lot.

Just the commodore, you said.

Uh, Mrs. Trotter, may I introduce my wife?

I, uh, I believe you've met.

We have, indeed.

Uh, our commodore, Sir Evelyn Grant-Wortley,

Admiral Swain, member of the committee,

and Major Gutch, our secretary.

Won't you sit down, Mrs. Trotter?

Ta.

Uh...

- Perhaps some tea? - No thanks.

Later, Reginald.

Oh, I'll, uh, go and tell Fleming.

Ahem.

Mrs. Trotter...

I will apologize,

but only if she does first.

Apologize for what?

She knows.

Perhaps I can explain.

Mrs. Trotter believes that she overheard Lady Blenkiron

uttering a rather damaging remark against her

while walking on the promenade.

I heard all right, and there was witnesses.

Oh, what rubbish.

Care to deny it in a court of law?

Ladies, please.

What's this got to do with the pot incident?

I think what lord Haslemere is intimating

is that the remark might perhaps have provoked

the pot incident.

Oh, he's clever.

Mrs. Trotter, I must ask you to remember

that you are a guest aboard my yacht.

Look, I didn't ask to come here,

and I didn't expect an inquisition.

I'd have been quite happy to talk this thing out in my cottage

over a glass of wine,

even in your bloody clubhouse

if you'd been civil enough to ask me.

But since we are met here,

let's get a few things straight.

I buy a house in what's supposed to be a free country.

I mind me own business, and find meself insulted

left, right, and center.

Just 'cause I have a few friends...

half of them your members who like a bit of fun.

There's always been parties over there,

I've been told.

The last owner had your admiral in there.

Don't tell me they played tiddlywinks all night.

Now, if this is all a plot to get me out,

just so's your ladies can have somewhere to...

..relieve themselves,

well, that's another matter.

Personally, I feel sorry for them.

The way you lot treat ladies,

like the dark ages.

I wouldn't stand for it.

Still, that's their business.

Fact is, I'm not budging,

and there's got to be give and take on both sides.

That's all I'm going to say at the moment.

Thank you.

What's she talking about?

If I might put in a word...

She's right.

I beg your pardon?

She's quite right.

It is like the dark ages,

and what are you going to do about it?

SIR EVELYN: My dear Lady Blenkiron...

No.

Sweet words are not enough, Sir Evelyn.

I am sorry. It's action we want,

or to be more precise, her annexe.

My annexe?

Yes. You don't need it.

You haven't been inside it yet.

Tell her to sell it,

and I for one, am prepared to forget about the pots.

CHARLIE: Oh, but that's an absurd bargain.

Give and take, Charles. That's what she said.

Yes, but what does she get in return?

Money, I presume.

Our club funds are rather stretched.

SWAIN: Waste of money, my opinion,

managed for 50 years.

"Manage" is hardly the word, George.

Have you ever been inside the strangers' lavatory?

Well, no.

Mrs. Trotter, are there any circumstances

in which you might consider selling your annexe?

- No, of course that — - Yes, Sir Evelyn.

I might consider it...

Under certain conditions.

There. I told you she'd see reason.

Careful, Ethel.

I knew this would happen.

A few hours in the sun, and me whole face peels off.

Only your nose, Mr. Starr.

Well, wonders will never cease.

She's selling it.

Selling what?

STARR: The house?

Oh, thank God for that.

Oh, not the house.

The bit on the side...the annexe,

to the ladies next door for their ablutions.

The annexe? But our bedrooms are up there.

Oh, we're keeping them, I'm told.

We'll have them all tramping in through the garden.

Is it a punishment, you think, for the pots?

No doubt, Ethel,

but it won't make our lives any easier.

She's sold us down the river.

Well, I think the King's got something to do with it.

He's the admiral of that club,

and he's always been concerned about ladies.

He probably had a word in her ear.

Bet she still got a good price for it.

Must you go?

Yes, really.

I have estate business I must attend to.

Well, who'll take me sailing?

Look, I'll...

I'll try and come back next weekend,

and I'll write every day.

Dearest Ally...

You haven't tired of me?

No.

Oh, no.

I adore you, my darling Pally.

Oh! Ahem. I'm sorry.

There's something amazing going on out here.

Do come and have a look.

Look! Look!

I don't believe it.

What is it, Mr. Walden? Who's coming?

Must be royalty, dear lady. Who else?

Royalty.

They're rolling out the carpet.

Oh, lord.

I...I--don't think so, Crofton.

You better check with Major Gutch.

Afternoon, Wilkins.

I've been asked to tea.

Blow for freedom, eh, Charlie?