Original subtitles

Hmm. Thank you.

Will this suit you, Sir George?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Got a bathroom?

LOUISA: Of course.

Oh, good morning.

Of course, he'll be gone by the time you come.

I should hope so.

Got a room for my wife?

Well, ain't that bed big enough, then?

My dear good woman,

no sensible man wants to spend all night

in bed with a woman if he can afford not to.

Well, there's this room over here.

SIR GEORGE: Mm-hmm.

SIR GEORGE: Yeah.

Yes, that'll do. How much do you charge?

With breakfast, 3 guineas.

Ruinous!

You people are all robbers.

Is that including a sitting room as well?

No, I'm sorry, Sir George. They're all took.

Well, this one seems empty enough.

Uh-uh. That's Haslemere's,

and it's promised to a titled gentleman

come from the continent-- a baron.

Oh. Damned foreigners.

Far as I'm concerned, Mrs. Trotter,

black men begin at Calais.

STARR: Your tickets, my lord.

Starts at a quarter to 8:00.

Madam.

Ahem.

Champagne and petits fours

in your room at midnight, sir.

General Clark's expecting you, my lord...number 5.

Up the stairs; second door on the left.

Ah.

Your carriage is waiting, my lord.

I should damn well hope it is waiting.

If it weren't, I'd sack me coachman.

We're going to the opera, and we're late as usual.

Good evening, sir.

Starr? Yes, sir.

Oh, baron. Yes, sir. We're expecting you.

Lord Haslemere told me to trust you in everything

except your advice on horses.

MAN: Mrs. Trotter, how about some more Champagne?

Oh, thank you, senator.

SIR GEORGE: What the devil have you been doing, woman?

I'm so sorry, George. Please don't be angry.

If you could spare a moment, baron,

Mrs. Trotter would like to see you.

Of course.

Who is that man?

I've no idea.

Why was he ogling you, hmm?

Some damned poodle-faker.

Come on.

This is indeed a pleasure.

It's nice to have you, baron.

How long will you be staying?

Oh, a few days... perhaps a week.

I've come over especially for important conferences

with my tailor and my shirtmaker.

I'll put you in Lord Haslemere's rooms,

seeing as how he's a friend of yours.

A very good friend. He sends his kindest regards.

How is he?

In the best of health.

And since he saved the old Marchese Fantucci from drowning

when her carriage went careering into the harbor,

he is the toast of Monte Carlo.

MAN: Monte Carlo?

Who said Monte Carlo?

Don't mind him.

Senator, meet... this is Baron Paul...

what's your name? Oppendorf.

Meet the senator.

Well, honored to make your acquaintance, baron;

deeply honored.

You know, you're the first genuine baron

I've ever had the honor to bump into.

Well, ain't you gonna offer the baron a drink, senator?

Indeed I am.

Must have a drink from my, uh...

what do you call it, Mrs. Trotter?

LOUISA: Your cherry-bum.

Ha ha ha! My cherry-bum.

He's ever such a nice boy, really...

me first American.

Quelle chance.

Uh...

BARON: Oh.

Thank you.

Very pleased and honored

to propose a toast to the baron.

A real live genuine cherry-bum

for a real live genuine baron.

Skin off your nose.

Oh, and off yours, Mrs. Trotter.

Ah.

You will excuse me, senator,

if I drink to my own health.

STARR: More for number 3?

Yeah.

Whiskey, after all that Champagne?

Yeah. The American gentleman,

like many others I observed

who've come from that country,

appears to have hollow legs.

What are they doing up there?

They're playing poker,

and the American gentleman is using marked cards.

Come on, Fred.

Christen the lamppost one last time.

Then we'll shut up shop and go to bed.

Raise you 10.

Double.

Oof!

Ha ha ha ha!

I...see you.

Oh, you have a flush. Is that right?

No, no, baron.

That is called a full house.

Queens high.

That's right. Full house, queens high.

You're too good for me, senator.

Ah, you'll get the knack in time, baron.

I'm quite astonished to find

that you've never played poker before,

do you know that?

Thank you.

Will that be all, sir?

That'll be all, thank you.

A few games of Bezique and a hand of Piquet

with my old great-aunt the princess...

that's about all the cards that were allowed in my family.

Help yourself, senator.

I'm not a real senator, you know, baron.

That's, uh, just one of Mrs. Trotter's

wry little jokes.

My name is Croker... Collis C. Croker.

I'm delighted to make your acquaintance, Mr. Croker.

Call me Collis.

Collis.

I'm gratified.

I'm just a country boy from Cedar Rapids, Iowa.

Made my pile canning beef; Chicago.

"C.C.C., The best beef there be."

Expect you've heard of it.

Oh, yes, of course.

Yeah. C.C.C., that's me. Ha ha!

Nothing wrong with money, eh, baron?

No, indeed.

I'm glad to hear you say that.

I wouldn't be here now without it.

Yeah, only one thing wrong with my life.

What's that?

My wife.

She's not here?

God forbid. Oh!

No, she's been took religious.

She's in Des Moines.

She's took religious,

and she's took against drinking.

Nearly ruined my life.

I had to invent this trip to Europe

just to save my sanity.

Ha ha ha!

Another drink?

Why not?

I only got another week.

No time to waste, huh?

Yeah. Ha ha!

If you won't think it rude my asking, baron,

what do you do?

Do?

Oh, for a living.

A living?

Oh, you mean how do I live.

Well, I live, uh...

Like...like this.

A pleasant sort of way.

No, no. I mean, what do you do for work?

Work?

Yeah. What work do you do?

But I don't do any work.

Well, none of your family do any work?

Not that I've heard of;

not for several hundred years, anyway.

You see, my family have always had big estates

in Bohemia and Thuringia.

Money and commerce are never mentioned at home.

Well, hell, you must be rich...

not ever to have to make money,

not even to talk about it.

In fact, I can only think of one of my forebears

who made money...

my great-great-uncle Philip.

He did literally make money.

Well, most people have to make money to live.

No, no.

I mean, he actually manufactured money.

Ha ha ha ha!

You mean he had a printing press, huh?

A mint of his own?

I think it's a story

better left hidden in the mists of time.

Not a very creditable chapter

in the history of my family, huh?

Look, baron,

I won't think no worse of you

or your family for it.

I've sailed pretty close to the wind

once or twice myself.

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Toward the end of the 18th century,

it became clear to my great-great-uncle Philip

that one of the foremen on his estates

had sired a young man with a genius for invention.

My great-great-uncle,

being a philanthropic sort of man,

sent the boy to study in Vienna,

where he quickly astonished his professors.

One of his inventions

was a machine for reproducing paper money...

a sort of magic box.

Well, that's a useful kind of box.

I wish people could still make

toys like that.

Anyway, it probably wasn't quite as good

as he said it was at the time.

Oh, yes, it was.

And you really know that for sure?

Oh, yes. You see, the box still exists.

Exists?

You mean, uh...

Where?

Under guard in a vault.

Uh-huh. Somewhere on the continent?

No, no. Here in London, as a matter of fact.

I always take it with me wherever I go.

It is a promise I made to my father on his deathbed,

when he put it into my hands.

Put it into your hands? It's not, uh...

No, no, no, no.

Well, uh...ha ha ha! What's it like?

A small wooden box, beautifully made;

typical 18th-century craftsmanship.

Boy, what I'd give just to see it.

You couldn't, uh...

No, no, of course not.

What?

Well, allow me the very special privilege

of seeing it, huh?

Just once?

Well, perhaps sometime before I leave.

Well, that'd just about cap my trip to Europe.

All right. If it would really amuse you so very much,

I'll bring it here tomorrow.

To this very room?

For your eyes alone.

Baron...

I am deeply gratified;

may I say, touched by your confidence in me.

Well, you have a singer for a neighbor.

Yes. Hope she doesn't go on all night, huh?

I say, could I borrow back 10 pounds?

Surely.

Let you have it back in the morning.

Good night, Collis.

Good night, baron.

No cabs about anywhere, I'm afraid, sir.

If I don't get one, I shall be late

for a most important engagement.

Cabs are as difficult to find

as honest horse dealers

on wet days like this one, sir.

Oh, excuse me.

Might I ask in which direction you're going?

Savile Row, madam,

but I have no conveyance.

But I have my carriage, and I'm going to Bond Street.

Would you think it very forward of me

to offer you a lift in it?

Indeed I would not.

Good morning, Lady Adam. Good morning, baron.

You have met?

Not exactly.

Might I introduce you?

BARON: Lady Adam is an angel sent straight from heaven

as far as I'm concerned.

Oh, that's nice.

She's about to save me from the ultimate disgrace:

being late for an appointment with my tailor.

Oh.

LADY ADAM: But, George, it was raining so hard.

All I did was give the poor man a lift.

Have you considered what people will say

when they hear that the new young wife

of Sir George Adam

is in the habit of taking strange men

round the West End of London

in his carriage?

I shall be the laughingstock of London.

It was quite a short way, and he was so grateful.

Oh, yes, yes, I'm sure he was.

So will all the gossips be grateful as well.

You've no idea how to behave, madam...

none at all.

It's the way a woman of the town would act;

a streetwalker; a whore.

George, I won't be spoken to like that!

You will. Yeah.

You're not the first bad-mannered filly

I've broken in me time.

You need teaching a lesson,

and you shall be.

LADY ADAM: look, George, I'm sorry.

Too late!

Stop it this instant,

or I'll send you home!

But, George, my maid! I'm not undressed!

Don't tell me

you can't undress yourself!

Oh! I...

Well, have you got the machine?

As promised.

I must ask you to give me your word

that everything you see or hear

in this room within the next few minutes

will go no further than these 4 walls.

Surely I will.

Ahem.

Ah.

Here it is.

And here...

Is one of the first notes the boy made with it.

Hmm.

Well, how many of these boxes

did that young fellow make?

Only one. This is the only one in existence.

Shortly after the boy made it,

he met with a fatal accident...

arranged, some say, by my great-great-uncle.

You see, philanthropist as he was,

he was also a very practical man,

and he believed there are some people on this earth

who are better dead than alive

for the safety of the rest of mankind.

I guess your uncle had his head screwed on

the right way.

I suppose it should really be

in a scientific museum, but...

Well, I like to keep it as a souvenir, a heirloom,

a beautiful and amusing toy, if you like.

If only it still worked.

Oh, it's in perfect working order.

It's not.

Yes, it is.

Of course, I never use it

except very occasionally to amuse my friends.

You see, in the wrong hands,

it could be rather a dangerous toy.

That's why I make sure

very few people even know of its existence.

Mmm. You're right there; dead right.

I, uh, I suppose I couldn't ask you

to give me the very great privilege

of a, uh, a demonstration.

Well, why not?

May I have the loan of the note you lent me last night

for just a little longer?

Surely.

Here is your note.

Mm-hmm.

And similar paper, you see?

Mm-hmm.

I assure you, no harm will come to your money.

The secret of how it works

died with its inventor,

but the mechanism is activated by clockwork.

Well, uh, how long does it take?

12 hours; 12 hours precisely.

So...

Now...

We will leave it in peace...

And I hope you will pay me

another visit this evening.

Surely.

Oh.

Yes? Come in.

Any boots for cleaning, sir?

Oh, yes. I wanted a word with you, Starr.

Now, what about a drink?

Oh, I must show you the most delightful brocade I found

for a waistcoat...

or perhaps a dressing gown, huh?

Ha ha! Very tasteful, baron.

But if you'll excuse me,

I have to be off to a luncheon engagement.

Oh, well, au revoir till this evening.

I don't know how I'll stick the waiting.

STARR: I went for the baron's boots, madam,

and he asked me confidential

if a way could be found

for him to have possession of the key

to the connecting door to the next room.

I see.

Well, why not let him have his bit of fun?

He's a nice-looking boy.

Here you are.

Now, careful how it's done, eh?

Of course, ma'am.

Here, Starr. How much?

How much what, madam?

How much grease did he put on your palm?

Come on. I wasn't born yesterday.

8 quid for Lady Adam and Eve and kiss me quick?

That's a bit cheap, isn't it?

Here you are. Here's your perks.

And don't forget, no one else in this hotel

goes about selling keys...only me.

No, indeed, madam, not on no account.

Right.

Precisely 12 hours. Good.

You will lock the door, please.

This part is rather complicated.

Now, we wait 10 seconds.

No, no, don't... don't touch.

There we are.

Hmm.

Yeah.

Well...well, I can't tell which is the false one.

Neither of them is false.

One is an exact copy of the other.

No one could tell them apart.

Not even an expert?

In the morning, you take them to a bank

or rather, to separate banks, of course.

Ha ha ha! Of course.

Ask the opinion of anyone in the bank...

the teller, the cashier, anyone you like.

But be careful never to let a living soul

see you with those two notes together.

No one in this country

knows of the existence of this machine

except you and me.

Oh, I swear I won't.

Don't let anyone see you leaving my room, eh?

Be on the safe side.

Yes.

The porter requested me to give you this, sir.

Oh, thank you, Merriman.

Will that be all, sir?

That will be all, thank you.

Thank you, sir.

Uh, porridge and deviled kidneys

for breakfast as usual, sir?

As usual. Thank you, Merriman.

Thank you, sir.

Shh. Oh, my dear Lady Adam,

I had no idea this was your room.

Yes.

I heard the noise

of someone apparently in distress,

and finding the door was open, I...

Please accept my apologies.

I'm sorry if I have disturbed you.

Good evening.

Oh, baron, wait. Please wait.

What is it?

Oh, my Lady is unhappy.

Yes.

Warm yourself.

Oh, thank you.

Oh!

Would you like some coffee

and a sandwich?

Oh, yes, please. I'm famished.

Thank you.

I say, what a nice room you've got.

Yes.

You do have a lot of pictures of animals, don't you?

They're so much nicer than human beings...

I mean, much more handsome. Don't you agree?

Most human beings.

We have a picture of a bull at home...

a prize bull.

Must have weighed tons.

It's got the biggest, biggest horns

you've ever seen.

Thank you.

And sheep...

Not looking like real sheep at all,

but a lot of woolly haystacks.

I say, what a funny box.

BARON: Oh, please don't touch it.

Why not?

Well, it's rather delicate.

You're just like my husband.

He won't let me touch any of the china

or anything at home in case I break it.

Oh. Ha ha!

Excuse me. Haven't had any supper.

No supper?

But you could always ring the bell

for a waiter.

My door's locked.

My husband locks me in my room at night.

But...but why?

He's angry with me.

You see, ever since we've been in London,

men keep looking at me.

Well, I can't help it.

You should take it as a compliment.

Oh, I do, but my husband doesn't.

He was furious with me because of you.

Because of me?

Because I took you in our carriage.

Now, is that so very wrong?

I thought perhaps it was with his permission.

I shall, of course,

explain everything in the morning.

Oh, no, no, don't. He wouldn't understand.

You see, he thinks you're a poodle-faker,

and he doesn't very much like foreigners.

Oh, forgive me for saying that.

It's not what I think.

But I'm sorry to say that I'm finding my husband is...

Rather a bad-tempered old man.

My dear poor lady, don't cry.

Thank you.

There.

Yes. That's better.

May I ask you a personal question?

Yes.

Why did you marry Sir George?

Was it to escape from something else?

Well, yes. How did you know that?

Well, most people marry

to escape from something.

Do they? Gracious, how sad.

What were you trying to escape from?

Oh, everything, I suppose;

the life I was leading.

You see, we live in the country,

where George is the local bigwig.

My father was a parson,

but he died last year and left my sister,

my mother, and myself without hardly a penny...

poor as churchmice.

I didn't mind so much being poor,

because I was used to it,

but life at home was awful

because my sister is a pig...

quite a nice-looking pig, but a pig,

and we used to quarrel all the time.

Well, I was faced with having to become

the companion of an awful old harridan

when George saw me in church.

He doesn't often go,

so it must have been Easter or something.

He kept staring at me

from that great big family pew of his

with all the coats of arms on it.

He really looked like God.

Then after church, he talked to my mother,

saying how sorry he was that father had died

and that sort of thing.

Then he invited us for tea,

and then the next Sunday, he asked me to marry him.

And you said yes?

Well, yes.

He lived in a great house in a lovely park,

and everybody said how rich he was.

My poor mother was so pathetically pleased.

Of course, I didn't know George then,

but I don't think anybody does when they get married.

I've no idea. I'm not married myself.

Oh. Well, I don't think they do.

The whole thing's bound to be like a lottery.

And you really married for your family's sake?

That was a kind thing to do.

Well, not really.

I married to spite my sister, if you really want to know,

because she was so jealous.

Wasn't that wicked?

Yes.

Have some brandy.

Oh, yes, please.

Oh, no. I've eaten all your sandwiches.

Don't worry. I did have supper.

May I give you some advice?

Yes, please.

Be very careful to behave

absolutely correctly to your husband

and to everyone else in public,

however boring it may be,

and then you will be able to enjoy yourself

more easily in private.

You mean play possum?

I have not heard the expression.

We used to say it at school.

Ah.

Will you teach me?

Teach you what?

How to enjoy myself more easily in private.

Well...

We'll have to see.

But not tonight.

The senator's in a hurry, Fred.

It's a miracle, baron; a goddamn miracle.

I went to the bank of America,

the First National Bank of Chicago,

and both the chief cashiers say the notes are genuine.

Of course.

Hey. Hey, that's mine.

No, no, that one's yours.

This one's mine.

But how do you know which one is which?

You said there was no difference.

No, there was.

Ah. One of them was counterfeit, wasn't it?

No. They were both exactly the same.

Oh, but, uh, tearing up money...

That seems a real pity.

Well, I have to admit that sometimes even I am tempted.

Well, uh...

If you ever need money,

I'll, uh, I'll buy that box off you...

for cash...at a really handsome price.

No, no, no.

No question of that.

I don't want to sound too old-fashioned.

It's...

It's a question of honor;

family honor.

Family honor, huh?

Now, that's a damn tough thing

for a man like me to understand.

Yeah, that's, uh,

that's something mighty powerful.

I'm sorry, Collis. I have to get dressed.

I have an appointment with my bootmaker.

Sure. Sure.

Uh, perhaps a little poker game later on?

Why not? I bought some cards.

Oh, I don't know.

Talk about throwing money away.

I thought it was right

to draw your attention to this incident, ma'am.

Yeah, you were quite right, Merriman.

For a man who looks like a desiccated old bat,

you've got remarkable sharp eyes.

Thank you, ma'am.

As you were kind enough to observe,

the good lord has blessed me with a good pair of eyes,

and eyes are to be used, if you take my meaning.

Come on, out with it. Stop blethering.

I should like to draw your attention

to another aspect of the gentleman in number 3.

What aspect?

If you could spare me 5 minutes, ma'am.

LOUISA: You've got no right to go poking

and prying about in the guests' rooms.

No, ma'am, of course not.

It's just I happened to observe...

what is it, then?

Peculiar-looking thing.

Bomb, is it?

Not that I know of, ma'am, no.

It's just I happen to remember

seeing a similar object many years ago

when I was working

in the first-class dining saloon

on a passenger ship.

It belonged to a gentleman...

he was also a foreign gentleman, ma'am.

And another gentleman appeared at the time

and bought it off the first gentleman.

Merriman...

Well, anyway, when we reached the Plate...

that's the River Plate in South America, ma'am...

the police came on board

and arrested the foreign gentleman.

Crook, was he?

Oh, yes, ma'am, so it appeared at the time.

He went to prison, certainly,

and no doubt he never come out.

Oh, them prisons in South America, ma'am...

what was his crime?

That I never did find out exactly, ma'am,

but the police came back,

and they examined every single piece

of paper money there was on that ship.

Well, you're a proper little old Sherlock Holmes,

and no mistake.

Thank you, ma'am.

If I might suggest it, ma'am,

don't you think it might be advisable

to warn the American gentleman?

Warn him? Warn him about what?

Look, Merriman, you're the waiter here,

not the bloody manager.

What people do or don't do in this hotel

is their business and mine.

Hey?

And I'm not the law,

except when it comes to getting rid of me staff.

Yeah, but...

Can I double?

Sure you can, if you want to.

Well, I'm probably wrong...

But I'll double.

I'll see you.

Full house, kings high.

You're sure getting a real knack

for this game, baron.

These new cards must be lucky. Your deal.

Well, if you'll forgive me, baron,

I've got something more serious than cards

to talk to you about.

All day, I haven't been able to get

the thought of that box out of my mind.

If you'll excuse me saying so,

it's far too valuable to be left lying around

in hotel rooms where anyone could steal it.

Oh, I'm sure no one except you or I

would have the least idea what it was.

Or hidden away in some old vault

where no one could ever see it.

Look, that box is of great historic

and scientific interest.

I've got a proposition to put to you, baron.

Ever since I, uh, I set foot in Europe,

I've...I've been deeply impressed by the...

By the sense of history, the sense of tradition

that I've found all around me.

Well, I guess we'd all like to leave

a little bit of ourselves on this earth

to be remembered by.

Well...

I am gonna build a museum.

The Collis C. Croker museum of science.

Well, that's a noble idea.

Bang in the middle

of one of the greatest cities in the world...

Chicago.

People are gonna come from all over

the civilized world to see that museum, baron,

and shall I tell you why?

They will make a pilgrimage

to the Oppendorf room of my museum

to see one of the great marvels

of scientific history.

That is, if you'll let me have your box.

It's a most generous offer, Collis,

and don't think I don't appreciate it.

It's just that...

Well, I have to think of the promise

I made to my father and the promise...

the name of your family

will be preserved and honored forevermore

in the halls of fame, baron.

I'll give you $20,000 for it.

In cash.

24,000. Now, that is really being generous.

He said to get it all from the Marconi office

before it closes.

Yeah. Well, you'd better run off, then.

I'll keep an eye on the hall.

Here, Starr, hang on a mo.

I want to send a cable meself

to Lord Haslemere.

Well, don't stand there gawking.

I'll bring it out.

Madam.

My dear lady, you called me?

No.

Yes.

How can I help you?

I'm cold...and lonely.

I see.

Well...

We'll have to do something about it.

Won't we?

22...

23...

24.

I hope I'm doing the right thing.

Sure you are.

Ah.

Have you...have you got those instructions

written out for me?

But you won't be using it,

so you won't need them.

Oh, of course not, but it'll be more, uh,

more interesting historically,

scientifically,

if we have them framed by the exhibit itself.

So it will.

Hmm.

Thank you. Ahem.

And you'll want the key, won't you?

Oh, hey, I'd forgotten that.

Well, yes, yes. Best be thorough.

Ahh.

When I, uh, when I have the museum built, baron,

I'll, uh, I'll have you come over and open it.

I shall look forward to that greatly.

You can always find me via the Ritz in Paris.

Fine. Fine.

Just whistle up your carriage,

Sir George. Yes.

BARON: Good evening, Mrs. Trotter.

Good evening, baron.

Off to the ball.

Make a handsome couple, don't they?

They say it's a real love match.

I trust you're enjoying your stay in London.

Oh, yes, yes, very much;

very much indeed.

I'm sorry to say it's coming to an end.

I should like my bill in the morning, please.

Oh, I'm glad of that...

glad I'm not gonna have to chuck you out.

Oh, you British!

I shall never understand you.

Mmm.

Oh, Paul...

Darling Paul.

We've only got a few more hours left.

Only think of the present;

never the future.

But it's so difficult.

I wish you'd found me before my husband did.

So do I.

Still, it's hardly likely

that you would have stumbled across me

in a Buckinghamshire Vicarage.

Paul...

Why don't we run away together?

Now, this minute!

That wouldn't be fair on you.

But I don't care.

I'd go anywhere, do anything with you.

I don't care what people say.

I'd be yours if you want me.

This is our secret love.

Only you and I will ever know of it.

It is our special treasure.

We mustn't do anything that would destroy it.

We must be very patient

and very careful.

Oh, Paul, you're so wise.

But you will promise to come back and find me

and take me off to St. Petersburg or Paris

or Prague... wherever you're living?

Where do you live, my lovely Paul?

I live nowhere and everywhere.

Everywhere!

That'll do for me.

Right at the moment...

I live here.

Yes...in my heart.

Can you feel it beating for you?

Not locked tonight.

Ooh, George must have forgotten.

Oh, Paul...

Darling Paul.

We are tragic figures, you and I,

locked in our secret heaven...

this old brass bed our magic carpet,

and doomed to be parted at dawn forever.

Make a lovely, sad fairy story.

You talk a lot of nonsense.

Something to tell our grandchildren.

Oh, I think you've got

the most beautiful eyes in the world.

Mrs. Trotter...

Oh, good morning, Lady Adam.

You're up with the lark this mor...

here, what's the matter?

Come and have a nice cup of tea.

Mrs. Trotter, something terrible's happened.

Oh, it's difficult for me to tell you,

but I must tell someone.

And as it's your hotel,

really, you're the only person I can tell.

Sir George been at you again?

No.

Mrs. Trotter, my diamonds have been stolen.

Oh, my God.

And what's worse,

I'm sure it was the baron who stole them.

How can you be so sure?

Because I saw him.

Now, please, please don't call the police.

No. I wasn't going to.

If my husband discovers...

Well, he'll kill me.

Look, the awful thing is that on the way home,

we were meant to be putting them back in the bank.

Does your maid know?

No, but if she finds out, she'll tell.

She's a sneaky old brute.

You were the only person I could think of

who could help me.

Well, I don't know.

Come on.

Who, me? Yeah.

Can't I stay here?

No. We might have to have a bit of a bash-up

with that bad old baron.

Ain't seen number 3, have you?

The baron? No, ma'am.

Not gone out, has he?

No, madam...not leastways the front way.

Right. Come on.

Who's that for, Mr. Merriman?

Sir George's breakfast.

You'll want to watch out

you don't have it chucked in your face.

It won't be the first time.

Gentlemen with Sir George's temperament and nature

are never easy to please.

But there's a reward in it sometimes...

when they smile.

This is the drawer he took them from.

There's the case still.

It must have been a nightmare.

SIR GEORGE: Huh? A nightmare?

I'm not surprised, after all that caviar.

Oh, yes, George, dear.

And I couldn't sleep,

so I went for a walk.

Sensible girl.

Well, what's going on here, huh?

Regular hen's party.

Your wife was just showing me

her beautiful diamonds, Sir George.

My beautiful diamonds,

Mrs. Trotter.

Well, I propose

to do you the single honor

of breaking my fast in here,

with your permission.

Ah.

I was proud of my wife

last night, Mrs. Trotter.

She not only engaged

the favorable attention

of the King of England,

but she made

all the other damn women

look like a lot of [indistinct].

Well, that's too much.

No, it ain't, not considering.

Considering what?

Considering you're not a baron

not no more than I am.

Well, a little more surely,

I am at least of the masculine gender.

"Baron Oppendorf, alias Count Ginsky,

alias Prince Zhanovsky."

They're highly titled, your family.

What is all this nonsense?

I wired to Haslemere,

seeing as how he's a mate of yours,

to check up.

He says here he's found out

you're nothing but a common little crook

wanted by the froggy police

for crimes too numerous to recount.

He advises me to contact

Scotland Yard immediately.

Which, being a sensible woman

and mindful of the reputation of your hotel,

you haven't done.

No.

And will not do?

That depends. I don't promise nothing.

Who are you, baron?

A soldier of fortune

fighting the good fight in the great battle of life.

I'm not Daisy Adam.

My father kept a livery stable in Hounslow.

I grew up to prefer women and money to horses,

so I went into service.

Oh, we do have something in common, then.

I went to Amsterdam with a diplomat as his valet.

Well, it didn't take long for me to realize

how easily greedy men are parted from their money

and how irresistibly attractive I am to women.

Not all women.

No.

No, rich, lonely women

whose husbands didn't care anymore

or who were too concerned with their latest mistress.

Sad women, mainly, who wanted a man;

women who, luckily for me,

are stupidly careless where they put their jewelry.

Ain't you getting a bit careless yourself?

Ha ha! Bored.

I took risks for the fun of it.

I came here for a...rest.

I didn't intend to work, but, well...

Who could resist Lady Adam?

Or the senator.

Or our dear greedy old senator.

$24,000 for a rotten old box?

There's not much you don't seem to know.

Well, when you run a hotel,

you want to know what's going on.

We're two of a kind, really.

Thanks for the compliment.

It was your suggestion, wasn't it?

Yeah, we give 'em what they want.

We make 'em pay for it.

But I do it straight, and you cheat 'em.

It's a bit different, you know.

Not much.

What was in that box?

Some simple clockwork,

a couple of rollers, and a tin tray, that's all.

I've got a little joiner

knocks 'em up for me quite cheap in Brussels.

Do you know, I've sold 5 of those in a year?

Makes a profitable sideline.

Exactly.

Men who are really greedy will buy anything.

And when our friend the senator

tried to cheat me at poker...

I mean me, of all people...

using marked cards,

well, I thought he needed teaching a lesson.

Well, I must be off, or I shall miss my boat.

If I might pay my bill, please...

What are you doing?

Adding a naught.

900 guineas?

That is sheer blackmail.

Oh, what a rude word to use to a lady.

I'll take it in dollars if it's more convenient.

Thanks.

Good-bye, Mrs. Trotter.

It's been a pleasure to have known you.

Good-bye, baron.

I hope never to set eyes on you again.

You won't. I never draw the same cover twice.

Here, baron.

Why did you put them diamonds back?

Wasn't 'cause you'd gone soft

on her ladyship, was it?

They weren't diamonds at all.

Paste...

And not very good paste at that.