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1 A NETFLIX SERIES

Welcome, everyone!

MEGA-STALKER, STALKER, BAD BUZZ VICTIM

PROFESSIONAL TESTER, YOUTUBER, INSTAGRAMMER

I'm Juliette. I'm the director of the camp.

To a successful detox, there are... three watchwords.

Discipline! Exceeding at it all and willpower!

- That's the only way to succeed. - I wanna leave.

- No. Don't, please. - Yes, I'm leaving.

- Don't leave, please. - I'm out of here.

Hello! My name is Sunny-Jade and I wanted to say, thank you!

Oh! Did I say the starfish could speak?

So, I'll give you the fourth watchword.

Shut your big mouth!

Right.

I know I can sound a little intense. But it's for your own good.

And believe my experience as a sub-lieutenant,

you'll get rid of your damn devices.

Yes, it's gonna be tough.

But you'll thank me in the end.

- My method and I are here... - Psst!

- ...to help you get better. - Psst!

It's not that hard.

I'm already a week into my detox and it's going great.

- No pain, no gain. - I'm Léa, pleasure.

- Liloo. - Dallas Multipass.

What's that?

Talk later.

Psst!

That's Liloo, the Instagrammer.

- I don't give a shit. - What?

For fuck's sake, we got woken up at 6:00 a.m. to do push-ups.

There's no hot water and this woman is bipolar.

Is this what you call a nice weekend in the countryside?

- Well, I'd rather be with my mom. - Excuse me, we can hear you.

- I'm out of here. - No.

- Yes, I'm leaving. - No. No.

- Yes, I'm leaving. I'm going, Léa. - No. No, stop, Manon. Stay.

Hey, Chip and Dale!

Am I disturbing you? Would you like a cup of coffee?

Huh? I could stir up for you.

- No, thanks. - What did I say to that dumb kid?

- To shut up... mouth... yes. - To... shut her mouth.

Uh-huh.

To shut her big mouth. You said that.

Sorry, Julia. I'm sorry. I wanted to come last night but...

- What the fuck! - She said to be quiet!

- It's Chaya! - Who is it?

Chaya, the rapper I love!

Chaya, I'm not interested. You know the consequences for being late.

See you later.

I'm gonna spend a weekend with her, I'm so happy!

- Hang on, you want to stay now? - Yes. I'm staying.

- Okay, I'm staying. - Okay.

I imagine some of you cried this morning without your cell phone

to scroll through at breakfast.

You fell right into the trap, you bunch of junkies!

Twenty-five volts of electricity.

And you see that?

That's Pierre-Luc.

He gives the electric shocks.

So, the slightest phantom movement, the faintest pursed lips,

the smallest Instagrammable dish...

...you'll be flogged!

YOU ARE LOCKED UP WITH NOTHING TO DO

If all goes well,

at the end of your stay, you will receive a diploma.

And that will make new people out of you.

In the meantime...

Okay.

Welcome to hell! Follow me, losers.

- Juliette... - Follow me, my little kittens.

Okay, who's leaving? Where are we?

What is this shitty camp? Oh, my God, this isn't funny.

You're gonna count to 30.

And on 30, you can take off your blindfolds and untie yourselves.

Go! One, two, three...

- Three, four... five... - That's it. I can't hear you.

- Come on. - Six...

No. No.

- Léa, you'll be fine. - No. Fuck! Manon!

Oh, my God.

One, two, three... Let me hear you!

- Four, five... - Five...

- Yeah. - Six...

- Let's go with that! - Seven...

- Three, four, five... - Three, four, five...

- six, seven... - six, seven...

- Twenty-nine, 30! - Twenty-nine, 30!

Uh, here.

Great. What are we supposed to do?

- Oh, fuck. Okay. - Oh! I think I know.

A map.

"You have 45 minutes to reach the center." Fuck!

I suck at this. I'll never get my diploma.

Oh, no, don't worry. Uh...

It will be fine. This is my 12th detox and GPS challenge. It's a classic.

Uh, center. It's here. Okay.

And what's this?

- That's five stars. - That's BS. I can't see anything...

- Five stars. - ...on this god damn map.

- Okay, that must be it. - Honestly, I'll tell you now.

Welcome, zero stars. How they left us in the woods.

I don't know how to use a compass but it's not a big deal.

Comfort, one star.

- Transportation, one star as well. - That's over there...

- What's her starting point... - I am sorry. But right now,

I don't recommend this digital detox at all.

I don't know, instinct.

- We go on instinct. - What about you?

Oh, dammit!

What?

So, uh, this isn't the first time you've done this course, right?

Yeah, I do it once every three months to keep myself grounded.

Of course. That's the smartest thing to do.

This is my first time.

See, because I'll just tell you quickly.

Um, my cousin, Léa, the blonde girl, so she got me into this madness.

We're doing this sort of digital purge because well, it turns out I had a bit

- bad buzz... - I know who you are, you know. Yeah.

- No way! Really? - Yeah.

Okay, wait, so I can just tell you. I, uh...

My Chaya, I love you. There, it's said.

In that last rap showcase you did, you were so inspiring! So, powerful. So...

Obviously not, bearing in mind the crap you sing.

Okay, enough! I don't talk to social media sellouts like you. Come on. Run!

She dissed me.

Roger, control tower, I'm coming down at Mach zero point 75.

We are now on the glide path.

Control tower, this is Sully Hanks.

I don't understand this music signal.

Thought we were landing in Osaka?

One, two, three, four. Is that right?

What are you doing, Mimi?

You know very well that today, I move to the next level of Aero Pilot!

I'm gonna lose my landing because of your nonsense!

I'm only implementing your philosophy, darling Phil!

"Everyone can do what they want, how they want, when they want".

That's what you said. Shall we get back to it, Sebastián?

Oh, well, I'm happy. Your eyes are away from all your screens.

Yeah. Of course, darling. Of course.

Fuck! No, my roses!

They'll grow nicely now.

Philippe! Leave my roses alone, you bastard!

You want to give me a hard time.

Bruno and I were together for 11 years.

And obviously, no one stays in touch

with the same girl for 11 years if you're not sure that...

- She's the love of your life! - Exactly.

For sure! Of course, same here.

Eight years with Guillaume. So, uh...

- Oh, yeah? - Well...

So, I'm doing everything I can to stay in touch.

Sure. That's normal.

That way when he realizes he made a mistake,

- it will be easier for him to come back. - It will.

- Of course. You know what men are like. - Make sense. Oh, yeah!

It is impossible for them to admit when they're wrong.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

I'm right there with you. I do everything so I don't lose the connection. You know.

How long have you guys been... broken up?

- Seven years. - Aah.

And like I said to his wife, between us, she's crazy.

It may come a time when, uh... she'll have to let him come back to me.

Sorry but, uh... aren't we supposed to be a team?

No, I don't team up with girls like you. You're everything I hate.

What's the matter with you? I didn't do anything to you. All right.

Yes, yes, you have.

- I didn't. - Yes.

You're destroying the music world with their commercial crap.

And besides, who told you you should sing?

You know what, you let people think they don't deserve

better than the shit you sell.

You stop them from rising.

- Me? - Yeah!

Hey, hey, hold on. Are you out of your mind or what?

- I'm not stopping anyone from anything. - Yes, you are!

No, actually. I'm the one

who is being stopped from stuff, okay. Who told you I wanted to sing that crap?

- For real. - So, that means

someone forced you to do it?

So, you're like a victim. You're a victim.

Look girl, if you don't have anything to say, just shut up.

Fifty-seven, fifty-eight,

fifty-nine, and sixty.

You okay, sweetie?

- Take a break. - Hey, stop!

- Stop! - Good job, girls, tie for first.

- Great teamwork. - Look out for the kid!

This guy is freaking ridiculous.

- Careful. Careful, Liloo. - I swear to God.

Team spirit is the key to success.

In wartime, a lone soldier is at risk of getting killed.

But I swear it's him, he was... Oh, I didn't see you. Sorry.

He was unbearable. I'm sorry to say I think he's a complete moron.

He graded me the whole way. My eyebrows. My motivation.

The number of steps I took! Come on, please!

I came here to relax, okay? To...

To breathe and escape the constant judgment of people like him.

Okay. One second.

Sorry to interrupt. First of all, if I was such a moron,

how did I buy this pair of... shoes for a grand.

- Holy fuck. - Okay.

Second of all, my job is to be a professional tester.

So, I'm grading everything with stars.

But those same stars allow me to climb the ladder of success.

Last but not least.

Even if you're a pain like a girl, I will admit, I will admit...

that you're physically sumptuous. And for that, I give you five stars.

Killian, what did we say about stars?

- Oh, shit. I'm an idiot. - Mm-hm. Come on.

- Liloo. - Hmm?

Pick up the kid before someone steps on her.

- Let's go. - Sure.

Come on.

YOU ARE LOCKED UP WITH NOTHING TO DO

Odorless paint. Single coat.

No solvents.

That's a four...

ODOR COAT SOLVENT REVIEWS AND RATINGS

That's... Stay strong, Kiki... That's a...

Stay strong, Kiki... Stay strong. Stay strong.

Listening to his voice on his answering machine.

Of course! Everyone does that.

The problem is when he answers.

- Oh, well, then you just hang up. - Hang up.

- There you go. - Uh, uh...

Watching videos of him sleeping?

- Classic! - Totally.

- The premium version of Spy-stalk. - The best!

I love that app.

- It's the best app! - What is she thinking?

Does she think she can have an easy ride because she knows my uncle?

Well, she'd better move her ass, or she can say goodbye to her diploma

and her job.

- Understood? - Yes, ma'am!

- Look at my Insta. - Oh, yeah.

Hey, you're using your phones?

- Of course. - You're not doing the detox?

Suckers, and all that?

Of course not, dude.

Dude, it's over! Everyone's using their phones again. You're on your own.

- The what? - Yeah.

And everyone's laughing at you.

- You're like a pigeon. - Huh?

That's right, they call you pigeon.

- An enormous pigeon! - A massive pigeon!

No, no. Stop that.

Come on, all right. Time to get up.

Wake up! Oh, no.

- He's not up. Unbelievable! - What's going on? Where's Patricia?

Patricia had to go back to Corsica. So, I am looking after you.

So, it's simple.

If you follow your parents' rules, all will be just fine.

"If you follow your parent's rules, everything's gonna be fine."

What are you gonna do with your pedo bathrobe?

Come on. Let me sleep. Be nice. Thanks, Gaga.

It's Gagan. How many times

- do I have to tell you? Gagan. - What are you doing?

- Come on, I swear to God. Get up! - What are you doing!

- Up! - Are you crazy or what?

- I want you in here in five minutes! - Hey, go take a shower, you dirty bum!

What did you say? Come again? I didn't hear you.

I said, I'll get my stuff in the closet. Chill.

Yeah. Get a move on, five minutes.

Come on, fill it to the top. I don't want to see any more cell phones.

Put everything in the bags. Come on.

Hurry up.

♪ Siri, if you only knew! ♪

♪ Your answers! Your answers! ♪

♪ Siri, if only you knew! ♪

♪ Where we put your answers! ♪

♪ Up our asses! Up our asses! ♪

♪ Our asses! Your ass-wers! ♪

♪ Siri, if only you knew! ♪

♪ Your answers! ♪

- ♪ Your answers! ♪ - Hey, you're struggling, huh?

Well, you're carrying the weight of your own pollution, you bunch of losers!

Isn't it nice to do manual activities for a change?

No, but obviously if I talk as a YouTuber, I don't have time for anything else.

Oh, yeah?

Hello, my sunshines!

Today is gonna be very challenging!

We're gonna make a dish using only the red food you have in your cupboard.

Ready? Let's go!

YOU ARE LOCKED UP WITH NOTHING TO DO

YOU ARE LOCKED UP WITH NOTHING TO DO

Impossible.

"Gagan Work", that should work.

- What's going on? - Hmm? What?

- With the computer. - Ah, no, uh... I wasn't cheating.

Oh, there it is. There.

This is the book I was looking for.

- So, cool. - The International Private Law Code 2017?

Uh... yeah, that's the one. I'm inquiring about my future.

About that, I'd love to talk to you about your time

working as an international lawyer.

Oh, right. You think I'm stupid.

I'd never think that, Gagan. You know I respect all my elders.

Sure, I know. So...

Since you got so much respect for your elders,

you can go fill a bag with this shopping list for Ms. Rafaï.

She can't come in. She broke her foot two days ago.

- And how can I go without a cell phone? - I'm going to give you the address,

directions, door code, floor,

and you're gonna use your brain and your legs...

...and you ring.

Come on! Now. Get up. Hurry up.

- I don't have all day. - Get out of here!

What's a leek?

What's a leek? Seriously!

I stalked him, stalked him, stalked him, and uh, then well...

- He filed a complaint. - That's so crazy! Same as me.

Really?

No, wait.

But they're both total morons.

Completely. Yeah, really.

I mean, the complaint is fine. The worst part... is the trial.

Oh, shit.

Can it really go that far?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yup.

That's why you know I'm doing these... digital detox courses.

It's my lawyer who advised me

to prove my tenacity to self-treat.

If I get the diploma.

Fingers crossed!

Yeah.

- Aah, are you Yacine? - Hello, ma'am.

Come in!

I just made some tea. Would you like some?

Ah, no thanks, ma'am. But, uh...

Would it be okay to borrow your phone if that's possible?

Yes, of course. It's right here.

Gagan told me you would need it, to call the doctor for your stuck foreskin, right?

- My what? - You know, if your mom

would've had you circumcised...

What a bastard. Thank you, ma'am.

Juliette? Sorry to bother you.

Liloo is making Instagrammable plates again.

Fuck, you're such a little snitch, aren't you?

Maybe I'm doing it to get your attention.

Who knows?

Maybe there's something wrong with that thing you call a brain?

Maybe.

Copy that.

What's that?

No!

That's...

- Fuck! It hurts. I can't get used to it. - Every time.

Céline, Killian.

- This shitty trap again! - To the flogging!

What are you doing?

Cheval Blanc, 2014. Jesus, you know how much that's worth?

Oh, yeah. A fortune. But I've never been allowed to try it.

Château Margaux, 2010.

The... The Laffite I got one... when... when I retired!

- Come on, Mireille! What the fuck? - What's wrong?

The new neighbors are coming over for a drink.

Surely you don't want us to serve them cheap wine.

Fuck, fuck! For God's sake!

You didn't see that coming.

♪ I make the carrots ♪

♪ But you need ♪

♪ Three point two pounds of meat ♪

♪ In the stew ♪

♪ Two marrow ♪

♪ Bones ♪

Good evening, sir. I'm, having an issue with my battery.

Uh, could I borrow your smartphone?

My what?

Never mind. Have a nice evening. Bye.

- Hello? - Good evening. I'm from downstairs.

Uh, my phone's battery keeps dying. Could I borrow your smartphone?

Ah, sorry, I don't have a smartphone. I just have this.

Ah.

- Hi, how are you? - Fine, you?

Uh, I've got a problem with my phone, can I borrow yours really quickly?

- Uh, why do you want it? - Because...

- Oh, sorry. - What was our deal?

You have to respect it.

It's annoying. Honestly. You're driving me crazy.

It's not what you think.

- Hey, Isaac. - Hey, Gagan.

- Ow. You're hurting me. Stop! - Come down to the shop anytime.

- Come on, move. Let's go. - Ow!

I've made some cool friends since I'm in high school.

I can't make a fool of myself. Please.

- Let me see if people follow... - You rolled the dice, buddy.

Now you see where that gets you.

Your parents are back in a week.

Come on. Be patient, kiddo. Come on. It will be fine.

Meanwhile, I'm running out of patience. Go take a shower.

Enough! You keep talking to me and you stink.

Enough with your BS. And don't forget your feet.

- Your dad's feet stink! - Hey!

Dumb kid.

#WEARENOTPIGEONS

Whoa!

- Good evening. - Good evening!

Welcome!

Oh, you brought chocolates. You guys are so kind.

- Our pleasure. - Come in! Philippe is in the living room.

Ah, darling. The Bagnolis are here!

Good evening, everyone!

Oh, my God!

- Let's go. - Asshole.

I have no idea why Philippe is behaving like this.

He must have had a stroke.

Are you leaving already? Too bad.

We could have got to know each other over a good bottle of red wine.

We were coming back from a three-week mission in the desert.

We had no water left.

We're almost demobbed and then we got, uh...

Four miles from Ségou,

the driver suddenly got a signal.

We haven't heard from our families for several days. So...

Couldn't resist, grabbed his phone,

and then, well...

The truck span off the road and crashed.

Dead bodies everywhere. It was like a massacre.

All for what? A gif!

Of the dog jumping at its own farts?

So, that's why I'm here. That's why I created this camp.

- Sunny-Jade, do you know why you're here? - Me?

I am here because my mom is totally jealous of all my followers!

- And of all my lovely sunshines! - No, Appoline! No!

It's because your mom put you on the Internet when you were three.

Because you've turned into a monster,

that's gonna end up being taken by social services!

It's okay, it's okay, you'll be fine.

I am here to help you. Okay?

Uh, Liloo. You're going to tell me what Killian's problem is.

Okay, great. Simple. Killian.

Uh, I think like me, he was a loser when he was in school.

Except to get rid of his inferiority complex,

he decided to judge others with his little stars.

That way, he feels powerful.

But his square-toed shoes, just make us want to tell him to shut up.

Shut your big mouth!

Hurts, doesn't it?

Okay, um... Léa. Tell me about Céline's issue.

Okay.

Céline. So, uh... she was with Bruno for 11 years. Right?

And she turned 31, you know, they started talking about having kids,

and everything and well...

he dumped her and she became completely obsessed with him.

And, uh... she stalked him, and stalked him, again and again,

stalked him...

I'm sorry.

Then he filed complaints, she had to go to court, and she just...

you know she got into deep. And so now, she, uh...

She, uh... lives in a shoe box. Uh... all alone, uh...

She's on meds and, uh... and broke.

It's crazy.

It's... uh...

You're completely right... it's, uh...

Léa, you know me so well. I...

I love you, Léa.

I love you. We're so alike.

I'm very touched. I'm touched... I... I am.

- I'm touched. - There we go, Léa?

Here we are! I knew you were getting this course. That's it.

You can take another marshmallow if you want.

Yeah, thanks.

Okay, next uh... Manon, tell me about Chaya's problem.

What? The tail's wagging the dog. Are you serious?

Sorry. It's not up to you to decide. Go ahead, Manon.

Tail's wagging the dog, huh?

Let me introduce myself.

Chaya. Rapper. Angry.

Ain't on no team.

- Think only about my career. - Ooh!

Came on this detox to keep myself grounded here.

But she's here to mess with our craniums and sneer.

Don't care about anyone else. Only think about me.

Act like I'm against the system but the system benefits me.

I talk shit about Internet sellouts, but follow that same script.

Criticize the industry all the time when they give me likes,

I'm all for it.

I'm just a kid, and when there's candy, they give me some to take home.

I look down on people but I'm not as tall as a garden gnome.

I show people up 'cause I think I'm above them all.

So, full of myself, reckon I can walk on water, never fall.

Hey.

- Well said! - Yo, Manon!

Okay, Manon. I didn't understand any of that. But we're moving forward.

Awesome, uh... Cranium, what does that mean?

A head.

Uh-huh.

Hey, you were awesome earlier.

- Really? - I swear.

I swear. You were like... like Diam when she did,

"What are you looking at? What are you looking at?

Do you want my man, is that it?

Hey, no touching. Eyes to the ground."

Please stop. I don't even recognize that song.

Oh, sorry. My bad.

But thanks for the compliment.

Caro was the one who gave me all of Diam's albums.

Do you realize that it will be ten years next year?

I miss her.

Of course, you miss her.

I don't know what I would do if lost one of my brothers.

Well, except Julien because he's an asshole.

Fuck, she disgusts me. I'm serious.

Look at me.

Don't let me end up like her, okay? No, no way!

- I can't end up like her. - You won't.

- Fuck. Thanks. - Although...

- What? - I'm kidding.

You bitch!

Oh, fuck!

Fuck...

Mireille!

The last two to finish will fail the course completely. No diploma.

It's time to exceed your limits.

Are you ready? Go!

Liloo! Wait for me!

My panther!

- Come on! Let's go. - Manon!

- Don't give up! - Manon, slow down.

I've got a stitch.

- I've got a stitch. - Come on!

I need this diploma!

Move! Get out of the way!

- Manon! - Let's go!

Aah!

Wait, guys! Léa!

Léa!

Where are you, Léa?

Fuck! Léa!

Goddammit! Léa, where are you?

Whoa! Aah!

Stop! Aah!

Ah, goddammit!

Stop it! Stop it!

Hey!

- Boo! - Oh, fuck!

Come on, you wimp! Let's go.

Good one.

So, where we're going?

- Do you like video games? - Totally.

- Virtual reality and all? - Yeah. Of course.

Come on. You'll love this.

Great. Awesome.

What's this?

Welcome to the Dungeons and Dragons Lair!

The concept of winning and losing, doesn't really exist here.

You guys all right?

- Dungeons and dragons! - Dungeons and dragons!

The story changes all the time.

You just have to roll the dice.

Léa!

Come on! Yes!

I've lost a shoe!

No, I was almost there!

Céline and Sunny-Jade, you failed.

No!

I need this diploma.

Check it out! Manon! Manon!

- Oh, no! - No.

- Let's get out of here. - They're crazy!

Let's go. Come on. Fuck.

And now you can throw the dice.

Awesome! Now, you can pass through the traps.

Okay.

- What was your name again? - Théo. You?

Yacine.

Okay. Did you take your turn?

Where did we park Bernie's truck?

I don't care. I've got my diploma.

Hey, look, it's you. A piece of advice for you.

If you want back into music, you gonna had to hit hard.

Like really hard.

Come over to ISSA this week, it's the studio I record at.

- Okay. - All right.

Okay, it's a deal. Awesome, I'll call you.

- Great, yeah. - No, I won't because

- I don't have a cellphone. - Okay.

But I have the address. ISSA...

- Studio. - Hey! Shut the fuck up!

See you!

Okay, perfect.

- It's gonna be fine. - Yes.

It's gonna be fine.

- Huh? Yeah. - Yeah!

- Yeah. - Wish me luck.

- Good luck! - Okay!

Okay. I'll be back in two minutes.

- Wait here, okay? - I'll be here.

It's gonna be great. It's gonna be amazing.

- It's going to be great. - Awesome.

- A new woman! - Yes!

Guillaume... Guillaume, I've changed. I'm doing better.

I'm a new woman.

Okay.

Fuck.

Wait, Guillaume. Wait, this won't take long, I swear.

I'm not lying. I... I just...

I just came to tell you that, well, I'm sorry.

I understand what I did to you. I fucked up. I really screwed up.

I also wanna say that... I've started working on myself,

- and I'm gonna do better. - Darling?

Darling, it's positive! My love!

Oh, my love!

We're gonna have a baby. Look!

♪ She ♪

♪ She ♪

♪ She ♪

♪ She ♪

♪ She cut a hole in the fence And she ran ♪

♪ She left her troublesome prison behind ♪

♪ She didn't wanna fuel the fire ♪

♪ She didn't wanna lose her desire ♪

♪ She ♪

♪ She ♪

♪ She ♪

♪ She ♪

♪ She looked out to the horizon ♪

♪ She didn't have much left to see ♪

♪ Greed had taken the trees away ♪

♪ I wanna go to Mars ♪