Original subtitles

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[rock music playing]

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Chad Daniels!

[audience cheering]

[inaudible]

Well, hello!

-This is crazy. -[audience cheering]

Hi. Thank you.

Okay.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you, that's very nice.

You keep clapping, I'm gonna bust through my nipple tape.

[audience laughing]

[chuckles] That was wild. This is fucking crazy, man.

I've lived in Minnesota my whole life and now we're at the capital,

and I'm filming this goldarn thing.

-[audience cheering] -So it's a pretty good deal.

I've lived here my whole life and I've noticed

that Minnesota and New York are the only two places

where you can tell someone you're from there,

and someone will say your accent back to you right away.

[audience laughing]

You go, "Hi, I'm from Minnesota."

[mimics accent] "Oh! Minnesota!"

"Brr, brr."

Or "I'm from New York."

[mimics accent] "Hey, New York! I'm walking here!"

You don't get that other places. Like, "Hi, I'm from Cleveland."

"Oh, I'm from Cleveland. I see my kids every other weekend."

[audience laughing]

Nobody's like, "I'm from Kentucky."

"Y'all, I'm from Kentucky."

"I only quote the Bible when it fits what I'm talking about."

[audience laughing]

I was in New York one time

and I was trying to cross a crosswalk and I couldn't

'cause there were people in front of me and puddles on both sides of me.

I go to one of the guys and I go, "Can we cross the street?"

He goes, "Can't. There's an orange hand that says we can't cross."

I said, "That's a suggestion. We're adults. So let's figure it out."

And then from behind me, a woman goes… [hoarsely] "Fucking go."

-[audience laughing] -Like that.

I thought Batman was behind me. That's no kidding.

So without even looking, I go, "You're the captain of our team."

[audience laughing]

I go, "You gotta come up here."

I heard shuffling, so I turned around and I looked,

and she was on crutches.

Yeah. But she wasn't on underarm crutches.

She was on, like, the grippies with the Wonder Woman bracelets.

[audience laughing]

She was on those. Like, forever crutches.

[audience laughing]

You know? She didn't sprain an ankle, her mom drank when she was pregnant.

[audience exclaiming and laughing]

Okay. I've got some shaking heads and some shaking shoulders.

-Whatever, I don't care. -[audience laughing]

I'll take either one.

We finally get to the front, it's her and I.

I go, "What do you think, Captain?"

She goes, "Assess the situation."

All right. So we got a one-way street going this way.

There’s a car coming but it's three blocks away that way.

She goes, "Do you think we can make it?"

And I said, "I think you and I have different answers."

[audience laughing]

Then she smiled at me, turned sideways,

and took off like a hermit crab across the street.

[audience laughing]

It is the fastest I've ever seen a human being move in my life.

Like MC Hammer times 10,000.

Just dig-a-dig-a-dig-a all the way across the thing.

The only way it could've been better

is if she had ducked into a hole at the end of it.

[audience laughing]

"God damn, crab lady."

"You just made somebody's Wednesday."

I don't know if I necessarily want to talk about this next thing,

but I feel like I need to.

I saw a grown man kiss his own sister on the lips.

[audience laughing]

It's true. At a restaurant. It was with my children.

By the way, I've never kissed them on the lips, I don't think.

Maybe when they were babies. It wasn't to kiss them,

it was more to steal their essence.

[audience laughing]

You ever feel old around a kid and you're like, "Fucking breathe on me!"?

[audience laughing]

So we're eating, and a man walks in,

and he goes, "Sister!"

And then from across the restaurant, a woman stands up and goes, "Brother!"

Then they started walking towards each other,

with what now I can confirm was passion.

[audience laughing]

Then they kissed on the lips.

And my kids and I pushed our meals to the middle of the table.

Because they were raised correctly and we don't eat till we figure shit out.

[audience laughing]

There is a mystery in this restaurant,

and we must solve it.

I said to my kids, "What do you think is going on?"

My son goes, "I don't know what's going on

but I do know you don't start kissing your sister when you're an adult."

[audience laughing]

I'm like, "All right. We got some traction to solve this thing. Let's go."

I asked my daughter, "What would you do if your brother kissed you?"

She said, "I'd kill him."

[audience laughing]

Son said, "Wouldn't have to. Kill myself."

[audience laughing loudly]

I wanna be clear that I know suicide is not funny

but I was beaming with pride as a father.

[audience laughing]

And a little confused

that there's Japanese blood in my family lineage.

[audience laughing]

That's an honorable people.

If Japanese people mess up, they fix it.

[audience exclaiming and laughing]

It's true. You ever see a Japanese guy kiss his own sister on the lips,

next move is walking right into that forest.

[audience exclaiming and laughing]

May I ask you a question? Yeah.

-Do you have a brother? -[woman 1] No.

-You don't. Do you? -[woman 2] Yeah.

What would you do if he kissed you on the lips?

-That's way too long. That's way too long. -[audience laughing]

[laughing] Oh, my God. What are you thinking about?

You're like, "I guess I don't know."

I'm teasing. What do you think you'd do though?

[woman 2] I don't know.

You wouldn't do anything? You'd let him kiss you?

[audience laughing]

The answer you're looking for, the word, is murder.

[audience laughing]

I just tried to help you with my daughter's answer.

Wouldn't do anything.

-You have a brother? -[woman 3] I do.

What would you do if he kissed you on the lips?

We have different moms, so…

You have different moms, so…?

[audience shrieks with laughter]

If you didn't hear, she said, "We have different moms, so…"

And I'd like to guess the next word. Is it "fuck"?

[audience laughing]

See? That could have been you.

Got to come to these things ready.

Well, it's just so strange to me, 'cause I have a sister,

and she's one of my favorite people on Earth,

and I've never even kissed her on the cheek.

And I love her to death. I should have, probably.

She's been through some tough shit.

My sister was hooked on meth for 10 years,

and not one day did I think,

"Maybe a kiss on the cheek from her brother will help."

[audience laughing]

She'd come home and be like, "I'm freaking out."

And I'd be like, hand on shoulder,

full extension, elbow lock,

ass out,

and then be like, "Don't do meth."

[audience laughing]

And then I just back away full extension.

Never did she come home shaking and her jaw moving all over,

and I was like, "Come here. This will help."

-[audience laughing] -That's insane.

Everyone can relax. That ends the question portion for the front row.

I want to be clear. I don't want you guys like, "What's next?"

I was on an escalator one time and I was going down the escalator,

there was an up escalator next to it.

So those people were coming towards me.

I saw a dad and this little kid on the escalator.

Little boy was about five years old.

And I heard him go, "Daddy, how do they make escalators?"

And the dad said,

"At a factory."

And that was it.

[audience laughing]

When they got next to me, I looked at the dad,

and go, "Thank you, professor."

[audience laughing]

What a lazy-ass answer that is.

Your son asked you for information and you gave him zero.

That's like one step away from not really understanding science,

so you just always go, "God made it."

[audience exclaiming and laughing]

[audience cheering]

That's a lazy-ass answer.

"Why is the sky blue?" "It's the Lord's favorite color."

"Think about it, the sky is blue. Water is blue."

"White people when they freeze are blue."

[audience laughing]

"Mama, what's lightning?"

"Well, that's the paparazzi trying to take a picture of Jesus."

[audience laughing]

They're never gonna get--

"Do you hear the thunder? He's bowling with them angels right now."

Those are lazy answers. And you're not helping anyone.

Your kids are gonna go to school, full Waterboy.

"Well, my mama said…" [speaking gibberish]

-[audience laughing] -That's crazy.

No, I don't have the right to tell you not to use God in your answers.

Of course, I don't know what's going on either.

I would say, if you do it, just do it correctly.

That's all anyone's asking. Right?

"Why is the sky blue?"

"Because God said, 'Let there be light.' And there was."

"And then that light finally reached the Earth's atmosphere,

it started bouncing off gases and particles."

[audience laughing]

"And the light scattered."

"And the blue waves were the smallest,

so they went the furthest and the fastest and they covered everything."

"And that's why the sky is blue."

"And maybe it's the Lord's favorite color, but for sure that first part."

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

It just… It seems so easy really, when you think about it.

I am not religious.

[audience cheering]

I think that kinda bums my mom out because she is.

She says, "How come you're not religious?"

I go, "I think it's 'cause of religion, probably."

[chuckles] I don't know if you've heard about it.

Please don't judge me for that.

I don't judge you for anything you believe or don't believe.

I just can't-- I don't have it in me.

I don't have that thing that you have.

And if you're a believer, I'm… I'm jealous.

I wish I had that

because if you're wrong, you're never gonna know.

[audience laughing]

♪ Going to heaven Going to heaven ♪

♪ Going to heaven Going to heaven ♪

Dark.

[audience laughing]

That's a pretty good exit strategy, man.

'Cause if I'm wrong, from what I've read…

[laughs] …it's gonna be hot.

[audience laughing]

Gonna want to do some crunches,

'cause I'm headed to forever bikini season.

I'm not going to, of course, make fun of all religions here tonight,

but I would like to quickly, if I could,

talk to you about Catholicism for about 35 minutes.

[audience laughing]

You can see some people go, "Ha-ha-- Argh!"

[audience laughing]

That's okay. I understand it.

First of all, let me start by saying, when I was younger,

I thought the biggest group of people on Earth were Asians.

That's what I thought.

'Cause in sixth grade, we had to fill out this map, right?

And we had to fill in the populations of all the countries.

Then you add up all the populations for all the Asian countries,

you're like, "Holy shit, that's a lot of people."

And your teacher would go, "Don't forget India."

And you're like, "What the fuck?"

[audience laughing]

"India's in Asia? Shut up!"

So you add that and you're like, "That's a big group of people."

Now that I'm an adult,

I know that Asians are not the biggest group of people on Earth.

I know the biggest group of people on Earth are people that go,

"Well, I grew up Catholic but I'm not anymore."

[audience laughing]

Those people are everywhere.

If you meet one, there's two behind him and there's four behind them.

It's like the AIDS chart from health class.

[audience laughing]

It just keeps going.

Let me say that I know there are good Catholic people.

One of my best friends is Catholic, so I talk to him sometimes.

I go, "Whey do you cheer for such a dumb team?"

[audience laughing]

And he doesn't have an answer and so…

If you meet someone that says, "I grew up Catholic. I'm not anymore."

You go, "How come?" They go… [scoffs]

-[audience laughing] -Right? Not even words.

It's just guttural responses. [scoffs, groans]

That kind of shit.

But I asked my buddy, "Maybe we should write some letters."

He goes, "I'm not gonna write to the Church and put my name on it."

I'm like, "I'm not asking you to."

"I'm saying let me write a letter and put your name on it."

[audience laughing]

Doesn't have to be anything fancy.

Just let me start it off… Something like, uh…

"We're sick of coming to this church,

because the leaders of it are coming at this church."

[audience exclaiming and laughing]

What's the argument from Catholic people?

They go, "You know the Catholic Church does good things too, right?"

"I understand that,

but none of them outweigh kid-touching, so, next."

[audience laughing]

That is a silly argument.

[audience cheering]

"You know, Ethel made $240 at the bake sale."

"I understand that, but Justin can't sleep without the lights on."

[audience exclaiming]

"So… what do we do?"

"The suggestion box isn't working."

"I'm assuming the children have tried, 'Please stop it. I don't like this.'"

[audience laughing]

"And we can't burn the churches down

because they made them with big rocks and brick."

I mean, they third-little-pig'd the shit out of us over there.

[audience laughing]

I went to a Catholic church because I wanted to check it out.

I don't like making fun of stuff unless I know what's going on.

So I went to a Catholic church and there's old men everywhere.

Very old. The oldest of men.

Where you go, "Did you know Jesus? 'Cause you're old."

And they have Ichabod Crane bodies and one-piece Charles Dickens' pajamas.

And they have KKK hats that don't go all the way down.

They sit right on top.

And there's a baby rattle that appears to be on fire

and they're swinging that around and shaking it.

If you were on mushrooms, you'd be like, "Okay. All right."

But you're not on mushrooms. You're at church.

So you start freaking out a little.

And that's when the music starts.

And that's when I go full panic.

Because, to me,

Catholic music sounds like it was written with nutsacks in mouths.

[audience laughing]

[mimics Gregorian chant]

[audience laughing]

Why did my lips not touch?

[audience laughing]

There were supposed to be lyrics, but you can't talk around a ballbag.

[audience laughing]

That's Gregorian gargling. What is happening at the church?

Get out of the bubble mobile and help us, Pope!

I'm glad most of you are having fun.

I'm getting some looks of concern for my soul.

[audience laughing]

I do understand that and I appreciate it, actually.

But I've been making fun of the Catholic Church on stage

for 22 years and look…

[audience laughing]

I'm fine.

Sometimes I golf in the rain and I'll hold up a club and be like,

"Hit me, bitch!"

[audience laughing]

Mostly 'cause I'm not good at golf, but you get it.

[audience laughing]

I think here's what bothers me the most about the Church,

is that it's leaking into other parts of our lives.

I was at the airport one time and I went to a Su--

I went to a Starbucks to get some coffee. Let me try that again.

Jesus. Right?

I almost said Subway. I'm like, "God, I must be hungry."

[audience laughing]

Go to a Subway at an airport, fucking best of luck with your asshole.

[audience laughing]

[laughing] Right? I mean…

"I was at the airport and I went to a Subway

and then I cancelled all my fucking travel plans."

[audience laughing]

"Because I will not shit above 10,000 feet."

[audience laughing]

Well, shit, maybe that should be the joke. I don't know.

[audience laughing]

"How was the show?" "He looked confused but funny."

-"It was weird." -[audience laughing]

The thing that bugs me is the Church is moving into other parts of our lives.

I was at an airport one time and I went to a Starbucks to get a coffee.

When I ordered the coffee, the guy grabbed the cup off the stack,

and he was writing my name on the cup

but he was holding my cup with his finger inside my cup.

-[person groans] -Thank you.

[audience laughing]

And I said, "Yo, man, can you get your finger out of my cup?"

He took it out and goes, "Wasn't in there."

I go, "Yeah, it was and that's okay, I just want a new cup."

He goes, "No, it wasn't!"

And the lady behind me goes, "I also saw it."

And I said, "Uh-oh."

[audience laughing]

Then he swore at both of us and he got fired on the spot

and physically removed from behind the counter

by the manager of Starbucks.

And I was just standing there like this, "Ah, I don't know what's going on."

The manager came back and goes, "Still want your coffee?"

I go, "Oh, I'm wide awake."

[audience laughing]

"I don't need any caffeine. I'm vibrating on the inside right now."

I go back to that Starbucks every time I can

because I like how the manager handled this business.

I've gone back several times, and that guy's never been working there.

Then one time, I had a flight on the other side of the airport,

so I went to that Starbucks,

and the guy was working there.

[audience exclaims softly]

Just like the Catholic Church.

[audience laughing and cheering]

[chuckles]

I think I'm a good dad.

[audience whooping]

I do not think I'm great at comedy transitions.

[audience laughing]

But I do, I think I'm a good dad.

I think you only have to be better than your dad, to be a good dad.

And that is a rule I made up to make myself feel better.

[audience chuckling]

Do any men in here have a bad dad growing up?

-[scattered whoops] -Okay.

Twins cap, how come your dad was bad?

-[man responds indistinctly] -Had nothing to do with you?

-You have kids? -[man] Yeah.

-Do you have anything to do with them? -[man] Yes.

You're a fucking better dad, easy. Good for you. Good dad alert.

[audience cheering]

Good dad alert.

My dad stole my identity and ruined my credit

before I was out of high school.

-That's what mine did. -[audience exclaiming]

All I had to do to be better than him

was not learn my son's social security number.

[audience laughing]

And hate to brag, but I did it.

[audience laughing]

Took some shit. I brought him to camp once

and this woman was like, "You don't know your son's social security number?"

And I was like, "I'm a great father."

[audience laughing]

I didn't know he'd stolen my identity and ruined my credit until…

I went to get my first car loan and the man just laughed in my face.

And he goes, "I can't give you money."

"You owe a woman named Karen Ward $15,000 in child support."

And I was like, "Well, that’s crazy 'cause that's my mom."

[audience laughing and exclaiming]

I mean, I know she said we had to start helping out around the house

but $15,000?

I also never hit my kids when they were little.

I don't judge you if you do, by the way.

Matter of fact, if we're out in a restaurant, eating,

and I'm at a table by myself,

and you're here with your kids, they're crying,

I will encourage you to hit them.

[audience laughing]

I might even suggest balling up your fist, so you only have to do it that one time.

[audience laughing and exclaiming]

Everybody knows you wake up with a better attitude after a nap.

[audience exclaiming and laughing]

[chuckling] Oh, man, some resistance in here.

Listen. Am I gonna hit a kid? No.

Am I gonna think about it? Every single day, yes.

[audience laughing]

That's how you don't do stuff. You think about it up here.

You go, "Oh, I would throttle that kid in the fucking nose."

And then you go, "Shake if off, dude. Don't do it. All right. Here we go."

That's how your day gets better.

My kids are 24 and 20, and I know how I would murder them.

[audience laughing]

That's how far it has escalated in my family.

It involves an ice house and an auger and chains so the bodies sink.

[audience laughing]

When they're being assholes,

I'll just look at them with a weird look on my face.

"What are you thinking about?" "I don't know. This motion."

[audience laughing]

"Pretty sure you stop that with chains."

My parents tossed us around a little. Nothing therapy-worthy.

We had a weird disciplinary dichotomy in my home.

It's like the roles were reversed for my parents in the discipline.

When my sister and I were acting up,

my dad would come in with a wooden spoon and he'd shake it.

Like he was going to spank us with it.

And my sister and I'd be like, "Nice try, nerd," and keep going.

[audience laughing]

But then my mom would hear us disrespecting our dad

and she'd come in, loosening her belt,

and we would freeze immediately.

Right? 'Cause getting hit with a wooden spoon does not hurt.

But getting fucked by your mom?

[audience exclaiming and laughing]

Guys…

We had no way of knowing if that's where it was headed,

but we did not want to find out.

[chuckles] Spanking or rape, no, thank you.

I feel like this is a perfect opportunity to tell you

my mom never had sex with me.

I had horrible credit.

[audience laughing]

I told you, I have two kids. 24 and 20.

And my 20-year-old is at college right now.

She is a sophomore in Southern California.

-[audience applauding] -Sure, sure.

I dropped her off her sophomore year and freshman year,

and it was a lot easier her sophomore year,

because she was a pretty big bitch to me last summer.

[audience laughing]

I almost didn't stop the car this year.

I was just like, "Get out," through a crosswalk.

But freshman year, guys, that was rough on me.

If you have young children,

stop loving them now.

[audience laughing]

It will be a lot easier on you

when they abandon you for "their life"

or whatever selfish bullshit they're gonna tell you.

[audience laughing]

When I dropped her off-- She's my youngest.

So I had trouble dropping my son off. I was a little choked up with him.

And then my daughter, she's the youngest,

and so, I had tears the whole week I was at this thing.

And it was like, I didn't want to cry because I'm the dad.

I didn't want to embarrass her,

so I did what all good American dads do with sadness.

I turned it into rage.

[audience laughing]

That's what we do 'cause that's how we're raised.

When you're young, you can't be embarrassed or sad.

You get called a pussy.

But you punch a wall and everyone's like, "There he is."

"There's the boy."

I was crying in my room when I was younger and my dad came in and he said,

"I will give you something to cry about."

And I was like, "Hey, man, clearly I already have something to cry about."

"I'm actively crying right now."

"I don't want yours. I have one."

"That would give me two and give you zero. That's not fair."

"Plus, my name is probably already on yours

because you stole my identity, you son of a bitch."

[audience laughing]

Isn't it wild we don't have a class in high school

to teach kids how to deal with their emotions?

Or credit cards. I mean, why don't we have those?

It's pretty amazing. Instead, we send them into calculus.

When's the last time you used calculus?

I'm gonna say, for me, never.

When's the last time you had to deal with emotions?

A lot of you during that Catholic bit, I know.

[audience laughing]

I saw that.

I saw that on your faces, for sure.

But they don't have a class for it. They send us to Home Ec

to make a pillow so we have something to scream into at night.

[audience laughing]

It's crazy.

And what's wild is

we had the perfect vehicle to teach kids how to deal with emotions

with story problems in Math.

But that's not what we used them for. What did we use them for? European travel?

"If a train is leaving Paris, France, at midnight, going 185km/hr,

when is it going to get to London?"

"Hey, man, there is a schedule on the wall."

[audience laughing]

"We don't have to do this math. That's included in the ticket price."

What we should have been using story problems for is this.

"Matt has five apples."

"Matt gave Julie four of his apples."

"And then Julie turned and gave Ben all four of those apples

and kissed Ben right on the mouth."

[audience laughing]

"Then she turned back, looked at Matt and laughed in his face."

"How many therapy sessions…"

[audience laughing]

"…is it going to take for Matt to realize

that Julie's actions are not a reflection of his character,

but of hers?"

"So he doesn't shoot up a school or call her a whore."

Now there's a lot going on in that one,

so you have to check the back of the book for the answer.

And it just says, "Well into his forties."

[audience laughing]

Oh, my God. Am I Matt? I don't know. Maybe.

[audience laughing]

Maybe I wrote a joke about myself and changed the names.

-It doesn't matter. -[audience laughing]

They don't teach us how to deal with emotions in school.

There I am. I've dropped my daughter off.

I'm in the rental car. I'm going back to the airport.

I'm at a red light and there's one car in front of me.

I can feel the tears come again

and I go, "You can't cry now. You've gotta drop this goddamn car off."

So I turn it into rage

and I try to punch the horn of the rental car

through the steering column.

I hit it with every single thing I had in my body

and it went, "Meep."

[audience laughing]

Dude, I went through the roof. I was like, "Meep, meep, meep, meep."

Thinking if I hit it correctly once, it would go… [mimics klaxon]

No. Meep, meep, meep, meep.

Finally, the guy in front of me rolls his window down, is like,

"Did I do something?!"

And I was like, "I'm going home to an empty house!"

[audience laughing]

Then I saw him look both ways,

and run a red light.

[audience laughing]

Which is absolutely what you need to do when there is a psychopath behind you.

You don't ask another question. You get somewhere safe.

I'll tell you that I did have some fun when I was dropping my daughter off.

She was on a tour with other students.

I went to the registration table and said, "I gotta get my daughter signed up."

They go, "What's her name?" I said, "Olivia."

"What's her major?" "She's undecided."

And the woman said… [chuckling] "No!"

"No. No. No."

"She's an exploratory major."

[audience laughing]

"We don't say 'undecided' here."

"Ex-plo-ra-to-ry."

That's what she did.

And then she said some other stuff for five minutes

and I didn't hear any of that.

[audience laughing]

Because I was in the middle of a frustration blackout.

[audience laughing]

Then she said, "Thank you for coming to orientation."

And I said… [chuckling] "No! No, no, no."

"Asia-tation."

"We do not say 'Orient' here."

[audience laughing]

"As-ia-ta-tion."

That is the last time I moonwalked away from another human being.

[audience laughing]

I did. I did it all. [high-pitched] Eh-he! All of it.

[audience laughing]

My favorite part of dropping her off is when she met her roommates.

They're from Southern California.

She grew up in Northern Minnesota and still has her accent.

So it was like two different languages.

She was like, "Can you guys grab me my bayg?"

"My bayg has my clothes. It's by your feet. Just grab my bayg."

And her roommates are like, "Grab your whaaaat?

It was like a confused teapot.

And my daughter was like, "Just grab my bayg."

One of her roommates goes, "I think you mean bahg."

[audience laughing]

And I was like, "I don't think that's right either."

No one's ever got into trouble for calling a guy a "fog."

-[audience laughing] -Huh?

I mean, that's just condensation. That doesn't even make sense.

"Mama, what's condensation?"

"Well, that's the Lord's breath on a window."

[audience laughing]

I visited my daughter five times last year, and the fifth time…

So she has a roommate, and her mom was there every time I got there. Right?

So the fifth time I went, the mom goes, "Can I talk to you for a second?"

I'm like, "Yeah. What's up?"

She goes, "Do you think you're here too much?"

[audience laughing]

And I said, "I think you're here every single time I'm here."

"Are we here too much, do you think?"

And she goes, "Well, I'm a mom."

[audience exclaiming]

Yeah. And I was like, "I don't think you can say that."

You can't dad-shame me. I will cancel you, bitch.

[audience laughing]

She goes, "I'm just worried you're smothering your daughter."

I said, "Well, if I'm smothering her from visiting her at college,

she's in big trouble when I die."

"Because in my will it says I'm to be cremated,

and my ashes are to be dyed pink and blue

so they can be used at my grandchildren's gender reveal."

[audience laughing]

That's actually in my will.

[audience laughing loudly]

I love a good party and I don't want to miss it.

"What's it gonna be? What's it gonna be?"

[mimics explosion] "Grandpa!"

[audience laughing]

Ah, yes, but then it was time to go home. So I did.

And I didn't know exactly how sad I was

until I got all the way back here to Minnesota

and I went to my home to no one

and I ate a pizza without cutting it.

[audience laughing]

I mean, think about how pathetic that is.

By the way, I had a pizza cutter in my hand.

And I yelled to an empty house,

"Well, no one else is here to have a piece."

Then I folded the pizza

and I grabbed it from the top

and I ate it from the bottom…

[audience whoops]

…like a parasite on the belly of a wild animal.

I will tell you when you fold a pizza,

grease will pour out one side and it will stain your pants.

[audience laughing]

I'm also gonna let you know I wasn't wearing pants.

I told you, I was sad.

[audience laughing]

So there I was in my kitchen, in my panties…

eating an Italian taco…

with a grease burn on my inner thigh

that I now tell people is a birthmark

because that's kind of an embarrassing story.

[audience laughing]

It was in that moment I had the thought

I'm gonna hate being an empty nester

more than anything I've ever done in my entire life.

And then a week later, for the first time in 23 years,

23 years,

I got a blowjob in my own house.

[audience laughing and cheering]

And I thought, "You know what?"

"We're gonna figure this out."

[audience laughing]

My daughter Facetimed me, "I'm coming home for Thanksgiving."

I was like, "I don't know."

[audience laughing]

"Why don't you stay there? Get to know your roommates."

"Really enjoy the college exp-- Oh!"

[audience exclaiming]

[chuckling] Oh!

She was like, "What's wrong?" Didn't have the heart to tell her…

"Not all your friends went to college."

[audience exclaiming and laughing]

[audience whooping]

[chuckles]

Some of those boys didn't have the grades.

[audience howling with laughter]

This reaction is incredible.

Absolutely incredible.

You're like, "Oh, it's a girl. Kill him."

"It's fine. It's a boy."

[audience laughing]

What a weird reaction.

First of all, it's neither of those groups.

It's a fully-cooked adult woman. So everyone calm down.

Here's what happened. Well, not… Never mind. Not that.

[audience laughing]

You guys are like, "All right. I'm listening."

Not that part. Let me start over here.

I didn't date in my daughter's senior year of high school.

I didn't wanna choose between

her last events and then getting to know someone.

I didn't think anyone would get my full attention.

I didn't think that was fair.

So I took a year off of dating

and I learned something very important about myself.

I learned that I could die alone and be okay with that.

That is very good information to have about yourself.

It is a horrible attitude to have in a new relationship.

[audience laughing]

There was a woman in my house once after this.

She's like, "I don't like this movie." I go, "I could die alone and go home."

[audience laughing]

You got to figure out how to turn that shit down a bit.

Then I went on my first date with my current girlfriend, Kelsey.

Here's what happened. She's allergic to everything and that sucks.

I mean everything.

Like, "Does your water have hydrogen? It has two? I can't have that."

[audience laughing]

It was like that kind of stuff.

So I'm like, "I'm not gonna be able to do this. For sure."

At the end of dinner, she said something really compelling.

She said, "Peanuts can kill me."

"Dairy makes me shit my pants."

[audience laughing]

And I thought, "Oh, my God. Am I falling in love right now?"

[audience laughing]

Turns out I was. Because I think that's a very funny thing to say.

It's also great information to have at the beginning of a relationship.

Because now I know if she accidentally has dairy,

I can just give her a peanut to stop the madness.

[audience laughing]

Yeah, you're damn right. I told you I can die alone. I said that.

I never said I could sit next to somebody while they shit their pants in public.

Here's the thing. Peanut butter has been my favorite food since I was a little boy.

Now I can't have it 'cause I'm in this relationship,

and Kelsey goes, "Well, why don't you try almond butter?"

I was like, "I don't know. Why don't you fuck you?"

[audience laughing]

Have you ever had almond butter?

It sucks so hard!

It's like Christmas with just church and no presents.

[audience laughing]

Imagine that.

How do they make almond butter?

They have little kids chew up almonds and spit them into a jar.

It's-- There's-- It's so gross!

So I finally broke.

We moved in together. I brought a jar of peanut butter with me.

She said, "What's that?" I said, "You know what that is."

She said, "What are you gonna do with it?"

I said, "I'm gonna eat this when you're not here."

She said, "What if I eat it?"

-"Don't." -[audience laughing]

I dunno what to say. "I'm gonna put this in this cupboard."

"Don't open this cupboard. This is the cupboard of death."

"This is where I'm gonna put the peanut butter and my throwing stars."

[audience laughing]

"Don't open this. You could get hurt."

She said, "I cannot believe

you brought something in this house that I am allergic to."

I go, "How are your two cats doing that kill me slowly every day?"

"What's going on with them?"

"Been fed yet and barfed it up somewhere on the carpet?"

[audience laughing]

I said, "About this peanut butter,

you're never gonna wake up with it on your head."

[audience laughing]

Have you ever met a cat?

They're autistic.

[audience laughing]

They're full spectrum.

They go, "He's allergic to me? Well, I'm gonna love him the most."

It's insane.

They sleep on my head and then I snore because of it

and then Kelsey's like, "Hey."

"You're mouth-breathing."

[audience laughing]

"Can you wake up? Honey?"

"You're mouth-breathing. It's bothering me."

"Can you wake up?"

I'm like, "Huh? What? Who's mouth-breathing?"

"I'm mouth-breathing?"

"The one with the Davy Crockett cat hat on my head…"

[audience laughing]

"…whose dander is cascading down into my breathing holes?"

"So even though I'm in a dream, I'm physically in fight or flight,

and my face has to open the biggest hole on it

to let the most amount of oxygen in

so I can remain a card-carrying member of the alive?"

[audience laughing]

"I'm mouth-breathing? No shit, honey!"

[audience laughing]

"Tell me more."

I said she'd never end up with peanut butter in her hair when she's sleeping

but I'm gonna get drunk and do it. I know it.

[audience laughing]

I know I am. I'm gonna slather it in her hair and just be like,

"You're mouth-breathing. Ha ha ha!"

"Wake up! Wake up, wake up, wake up!"

"You're bugging me or whatever you said because we're equals!"

"Wake up!" [blowing raspberry]

"Wake up."

-"Oh, fuck! Wake up!" -[audience laughing]

I'm pretty sure peanuts are different than cats.

So I'm gonna want to be careful about that one.

We did move in together pretty quickly.

Because of that, people are like, "You gonna have kids?"

I will tell every single person that I have a vasectomy

and there's always one person in the group that goes,

"You know you can reverse a vasectomy, right?"

I'm like, "Yeah. You know you can walk from Alaska to Argentina, right?"

[audience laughing]

"But that's hard and you won't do it, so why don't you shut your mouth?"

[audience laughing]

This is a vasectomy. I had a surgery for this.

I went in on purpose.

This is not a Tasmanian devil tattoo

that I got on my senior trip in Mexico,

that I'm later going to regret in my late thirties,

and cover it up with flowers when my grandma dies.

[audience laughing]

This is a vasectomy. I didn't drive into the wrong driveway,

and now need to back out.

I went into a cold operating room with a bare nutsack,

per their request,

and they sliced it open,

and they pulled a tube out and they snipped it,

and they burned both sides of the tube,

so now my sperm runs into that and they die right there.

And then they're absorbed back into my body.

And I don't know what that means.

[audience laughing]

They told me that and then had me leave the hospital.

I have no idea what that means.

Sometimes I will not have eaten for a couple of hours and I'll burp

and I'll be like, "Was that it?" I don't know.

[audience laughing]

I don't know where they are. I'm like a haunted house.

Just sperm ghosts everywhere in here.

I have ringing in my ears

and I'm pretty sure it's just the crickets in the sperm graveyard.

[audience laughing]

I'm not gonna reverse a vasectomy 'cause I don't know what'd happen.

I don't know how that works.

I've only reversed one thing in my life and it was electricity.

In college, we got our lights shut off 'cause we didn't pay the bill.

We paid the bill, they turned our lights back on,

but then our lights flickered for three days.

I don't want a flickery sperm-shooter.

[audience laughing]

I don't need my sperm coming out sideways and just denting the egg.

Then one finally gets in, I have a kid come out like…

[laughing maniacally]

Everybody's like, "You have ADHD?"

"No, my dad Humpty-Dumpty'd his ballbag back together."

[audience laughing]

"Now we can't go to restaurants because I fuck up meals."

[audience laughing]

I'm not doing that.

I have a vasectomy, she has an IUD,

and one day she goes, "Ah, I'm late."

"My period hasn't been… I'm two weeks late."

"I feel like my breasts are tender and I feel a little chubbier than normal."

"Do you think I'm pregnant?" And I was like, "I don't."

[audience laughing]

"I have a vasectomy and you have an IUD."

"If you're pregnant, we're about to have the creepiest kid…"

[audience laughing]

"…of all time, if he made it through that."

He's gonna be able to walk through his crib like, "Hello."

"Mother, Father."

We won't be able to get a babysitter to come back more than one time.

She goes, "Maybe I should go to Walgreens and get a pregnancy test."

I was like, "Sure. You should also get a paternity test when you're there."

[audience laughing]

That's not my kid.

Pregnancy tests and paternity tests should come in a two-pack

like DayQuil and NyQuil.

[audience laughing and applauding]

Just shrink-wrapped together.

Kelsey asked me when we started dating, "Do you want kids?"

I said, "I have kids."

She said, "What if I want kids?"

I said, "Then you should have brought some kids."

[audience laughing]

I can't have a baby now!

I told you my youngest is 20 years old.

If I had a baby right now, that would be like my last day of prison,

going into the yard and stabbing somebody.

[audience laughing]

Just be like, "Well, here we go again."

[audience laughing]

"One more life sentence."

"I guess I'll get one more degree I'll never be able to use."

I can't have a kid right now. My son is getting married in 12 days.

-He's 24. -[audience applauds]

Yeah, sure. Yes.

If you guys wanna waste your energy clapping at mistakes, be my guest.

[audience laughing]

No, I love his wife-to-be very much.

I think it's funny 'cause when he was 23, he got engaged and I go,

"Think you're too young to get engaged?"

He goes, "You think you're a little old to be a boyfriend?"

[audience laughing loudly]

I'm like, "We will see you at the wedding, my man."

[audience laughing]

He's getting married in 12 days. I dunno when they're gonna have a baby.

I'm certainly not gonna be one of those creepy families

where the parents have a kid as old as the oldest kid's kid.

[audience laughing]

You ever seen them walking around?

Like, "Who's your buddy?" "This is my uncle."

"Why don't you go back into the corn? You're freaking everybody out."

[audience laughing]

Plus, it wouldn't be fair if I had a son and grandson the same age.

Because I'm always gonna be a strict dad

but I'm gonna spoil the hell out of my grandkids.

If they're the same age, it doesn't make sense.

"Son, go rake the lawn. Grandson, go jump in the leaves."

[audience laughing]

"You get in there. Now kick 'em around. It doesn't matter. He'll do it again."

"Yes, you will."

"I have your phone for a month already. Want to make it two? Rake up the leaves."

[audience laughing]

When Kelsey and I started dating, she put glasses on.

She goes, "Are you surprised I have glasses?" I said, "No."

"With your weak-ass genetics?"

[audience laughing]

"A nut can kill you. You thought I thought you could see far?"

[audience laughing]

[laughing] "No!"

And that's also why I'm not gonna put a baby into her.

That's not fair.

Sorry, but the kids I have now are great.

All their parts work, their genetics are spot-on.

And I know it sounds like I'm giving a speech in Germany right now.

[audience laughing]

[chuckles] Right?

[in German accent] My children will never be beaten.

[as himself] That's not what I'm saying.

I'm just saying they're good. I got good ones.

So I don't think it's fair for me

to put perfect vision and straight teeth without braces

into a bowl with "can't have a tomato."

[audience laughing]

Plus, you know I'm the one that's gonna have to take care of that kid.

I'll have to bring him trick-or-treating with a purple pumpkin

because he can't have peanuts.

She can't bring him out

when there's pollen in the air, it will kill her.

People are like, "Why does your son have a purple pumpkin?"

"I don't know. He's broken. I'm not sure."

"Never had to deal with this before."

"I just know his mom's family tree is a weeping willow."

[audience laughing]

"I was sent along with him

to let you know you can only give him licorice or he will die."

"Who's his little buddy?" "That's his nephew and I don't want to talk about it."

[audience laughing]

You know what's awesome about this night to me?

Is that, I bet you, there are people here on the left of the political spectrum

and, I bet you, there are people on the right

and no one's fist-fighting

and we're all laughing at the same stupid story.

-I think that's great. -[audience cheering]

Selfishly, I am very happy about that

'cause five years ago I thought

I was going to have to write different acts for two different groups.

I thought I was gonna have to go to Planned Parenthood,

and tell some jokes for the Dems,

and then run across town to the VFW,

and do some jokes for the Repubs. I mean, I did.

But here we are. This is a lot better for me.

There's still some buttfuckery on the edges.

I think there always will be. That's how it works, right?

Here's what I've said since the beginning of my career,

I'm on the left, the line's right by my foot.

That's where I stand.

It seems like I'm going this way because they're going that way.

But I'm just standing here.

And so sometimes I get yelled at from my own team.

One time I was like, "Oh, that homeless guy."

And somebody goes, "It's 'unhoused.'"

I was like, "I don't think that's right."

"Unhoused"? That sounds like a word you'd make up

because you can't get something to rhyme in a poem.

[audience laughing]

She goes, "Wanna know why it's 'unhoused'?"

I said, "I don't."

Because it's gonna be something else next week.

The far left update more than Apple products.

[audience laughing]

Problem with the far right, they haven't updated one time ever.

[audience laughing]

That's why there's such a disconnect on the two sides.

I got people saying "unhoused" over here,

and I have people over here going,

"I can't call that person a boy

because it says they're a girl on their birth certificate,

and I always go by the birth certificate.

If it says girl on your birth certificate, that's what I'm gonna call you."

Like, "Whatever, Robert." "Call me Bob."

[audience laughing]

"Sorry, Robert, your rules."

Sometimes they're like,

"What do you think about gay couples having kids?"

"I don't."

[audience laughing]

I'm not a gay couple or a kid.

And no one has asked me to help. I only help when I'm asked.

Did you hear that, white ladies? Say it with me.

[audience howling with laughter]

-[audience cheering] -Say it…

I only help when I am asked.

Sometimes people wanna know about gay couples raising kids.

They go, "What would happen if two women raised a boy?"

"What would that boy end up like?"

"I don't know. He'd probably be

great at planning surprise parties and ruining them."

[audience laughing]

[chuckling] "Just a little something from each parent."

"I don't know what to tell you."

"What do you think about that guy that became a girl

to win those college swimming events?"

"I will tell you what I think about that."

"I didn't know there was college swimming."

[audience laughing]

I didn't.

I thought you went from the YMCA to the Olympics. That was it.

So that person has done more for me

and my knowledge of college swimming than anyone.

[person cackling]

I hope they got that laugh.

That sounds like a goddamn boomerang coming around.

[mimicking cackle]

I love it. I'm not making fun of it. I love it.

Now I'm gonna say something that could get me kicked out of the country.

I would like you to bear with me. Both sides, hear me out.

What if…

What if…

we all minded our own business?

[audience cheering]

I know it seems simple but it seems like we can't do it, right?

I told you I'm on the left, the line is right by my foot.

I shot a gun two months ago and I want to do it every single day now.

I bet every single person in here is against gun violence, of course.

I don't need a gun that goes… [mimics machine gun]

Not that many. I don't need that.

I want one that goes, "Bang!"

Then you have to hurry and fucking reload or you get shot.

That's what I want.

I want to get good at shooting the one person I want to shoot.

[audience laughing]

That doesn't seem that hard.

I think if you want a gun, you should be able to have one of those bang guns.

I think you should have to follow a couple of rules,

but once you do, everybody has to leave you alone.

I think those rules should be,

prove you're not gonna be a psychopath with it.

You're not gonna wave it in anybody's face.

Make sure kids don't get their hands on it.

Don't shoot anybody in the chest,

unless it's Steve-O and he asks you to or whatever.

[audience laughing]

If you follow those rules, everybody has to mind their own business.

Same on the other side, right?

If you were born a female

and that's never made sense with how you think,

or how you feel emotionally,

you should get to have a penis on your body, if you want one.

There should be rules and if you follow them,

everyone should have to shut up.

Those rules should be,

prove you're not gonna be a psychopath with it.

You're not gonna wave it in anybody's face.

[audience laughing]

Make sure kids don't get their hands on it.

Don't shoot anybody in the chest,

unless it's Steve-O and he asks you to or whatever.

[audience laughing and cheering]

It's so easy if we let it be.

I'll tell you one more story. I was in Sacramento…

This is another one where I don't know how to do transitions.

[audience laughing]

I was in Sacramento and it was flooding,

so I couldn't go anywhere for four days and I was in a hotel room.

On the last day I was there,

I started watching the Minnesota Vikings play the Giants.

I was watching that game,

and then there was a knock at my door.

And I hadn't seen anyone for four days.

I was very lonely.

So normally when someone knocks on my hotel room door,

I Mission Impossible-shimmy

and listen to figure out who's out there.

Not this time. I was like, "It's company. Hey!"

It was two armed security guards, with their hands already on their guns.

They were positioned like this,

and their flippy thing was already flipped up.

So all they had to do is that with their gun.

Now I was holding the door like this, you couldn't see my hand.

That's how you open a hotel room door.

They kept looking at my hand weird, so I go, "Mm-mm. What's happening?"

He goes, "Let go of the door."

I said, "I can't. It'll shut and bullets go through doors."

[audience laughing]

He goes, "Better figure it out."

I said, "Can I move my hand?" And the guy goes, "Go for it."

-[audience exclaiming] -Well, no.

I'm not playing that game, High Noon.

So I put my foot down to block the door and I magician'd my hand out like this.

Just trying to get 'em to smile. I even made all the noises.

I was like, "Uh-ba-bam!"

He goes, "What are you doing?" I go, "What are you doing?"

He goes, "We have a domestic disturbance complaint

about this room."

And I go, "Mm-mm. Not this one."

"I've been here all by myself for four days."

"Don't believe me? Come in here and try to bend this sock."

[audience laughing]

Right? I mean…

I'm just trying to get 'em to smile. They have guns.

And so they don't even smirk,

they go, "We have to come in, make sure no one is in there."

I'm like, "Yeah, go for it."

I get out of the way. One guy passes me.

The other guy comes like he's gonna pass me,

and he stops right by me.

He looks at me and goes, "And we're not touching the sock."

[audience laughing]

I'm like, "Yeah, man. There's no sock. Relax, that was a joke."

So we get in there,

and he goes, "Open the closet."

I open it and the guy goes, "Do it slower."

[audience laughing]

What kind of dirty tape are we making?

Why would he want me to do it slower

and then I thought, "Do they really think I'm a magician because of this shit?"

They think there was someone in there,

I'm like, "Yeah, but not anymore!"

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing and cheering]

Ridiculous.

They go, "We gotta go in the bathroom." I go, "Let's go. Nobody's in here."

They go, "Open the shower curtain."

I start to slide it but I go, "How slow you want me to open this one?"

[audience laughing]

"Oh-ho, you like that, daddies?"

[audience laughing]

He goes, "Knock it off." I go, "You knock it off. You have guns."

I go, "You gotta tell me what's going on."

He goes, "We have a witness in the hallway that heard something."

I go, "I have an idea. How about we go talk to them?"

So we go out in the hallway and there is a woman standing there.

She says, "I was walking by this room, and I'm positive it was this room,

and I heard a man yell, 'Get on the ground, bitch.'"

[audience laughing]

I was like, "I'm lonely, but that is not something that I would ever-- Oh, no."

[audience laughing]

I go, "Is it possible you heard a man yell,

'Get him on the ground, you big bitch!'

because I did yell that at a Minnesota Viking defensive lineman."

[audience laughing loudly]

-"I did." -[audience cheering]

"I have the under and they are running all over us today."

She goes, "Oh, my God, that was it!"

I go, "Oh, my God. You invited people with guns."

I go, "Can I go in my room?" They go, "Go ahead."

So I shut the door and I locked the deadbolt,

but I snapped the deadbolt as hard as I could

and it echoed in the hallway.

And as soon as it got quiet, I yelled, "Stay under the bed!"

[audience laughing and applauding]

You guys were absolutely incredible!

[audience cheering loudly]

Oh, my God, thank you so much.

Thank you. Jesus Christ. Thank you, guys. This is unbelievable.

[blues rock music playing]

[audience cheering loudly]

[blues rock music continues playing]