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NARRATOR: You once told me
about your summer as
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00:00:03,920 --> 00:00:04,960
a Magaluf holiday rep.
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00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:07,520
The tour operator asked
everyone to do a Rosetta Stone,
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00:00:07,560 --> 00:00:10,640
but you were skint, so you did
a key stage three Spanish course
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00:00:10,680 --> 00:00:11,720
on BBC Bitesize.
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00:00:11,760 --> 00:00:13,360
Oh, OK, I got one. I know it.
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00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:19,040
Right, nada del relaciones sexuales
en el banera de hidromasaje.
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00:00:19,080 --> 00:00:20,840
Uh, no shagging in the jacuzzi.
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00:00:20,880 --> 00:00:22,280
Yes!
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00:00:22,320 --> 00:00:23,720
HE LAUGHS
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00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:25,920
So, apparently, most of the
lolidaygoers are, like,
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00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:28,280
they all speak English.
But every now and again, you know,
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00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:30,640
you get, like, a little
whippersnapper from inland Spain
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00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:32,440
who just comes and spunks
in the hot tub, so.
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00:00:34,040 --> 00:00:36,240
HE LAUGHS
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00:00:36,280 --> 00:00:37,880
What are those?
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00:00:37,920 --> 00:00:40,000
It's my liquids.
HE CHUCKLES
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00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:41,960
What? It says measure out your
liquids to 100ml
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00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:43,880
and put them in bags.
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00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:45,680
You have... You have to put them
in bags.
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00:00:45,720 --> 00:00:48,680
He's got a bag of shampoo.
A poo bag!
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00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:50,880
You have to
put your liquids in bags.
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00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:52,960
THEY LAUGH
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00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:55,280
Honestly, anyone would think
you've never been abroad.
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00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:58,480
NARRATOR: You hadn't.
You'd never even flown before.
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00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:00,680
That summer of work lasted
six months.
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00:01:00,720 --> 00:01:03,360
And the whole time everyone
called you Poo Bag.
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00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:07,520
So, at the end of second year,
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00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:09,080
for our uni work experience week,
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00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:12,360
you made sure yours was somewhere
you'd properly fit in.
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00:01:12,400 --> 00:01:18,160
Well, ever since the, um, the two or
three, or 17, or so, students left
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00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:22,640
for Isis, I've been wanting to
create positive content about how,
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00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:24,720
you know, Brent Uni harnesses
potential.
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00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:26,560
I mean, how do you
know I ain't going to leave?
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00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:30,000
Terrorism isn't funny, Danny.
It's a pain in my arse. Sorry.
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00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:34,360
OK, so where are you going
for work experience?
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00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:37,600
I am going to the home of
top-quality bants,
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00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:40,760
online lads' mag, Nice One Mate.
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00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:41,880
Bosh!
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00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:45,840
I'm going to Koolio Radio's
youth issues phone-in show
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00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:47,880
Help! Lol, I'm a Teenager.
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00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:51,520
I'm going to the ethically
conscious, activism-led content
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00:01:51,560 --> 00:01:55,920
creation agency Bloom Flower to help
facilitate the generation of newly
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00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:59,560
manifested ideas
empowered by social justice causes.
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SHE YAWNS
Oh, sorry...
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00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:04,840
Yeah, I forgot...you're not. What?
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00:02:04,880 --> 00:02:09,280
They sent an email saying
Bloom Flower have ceased operations
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00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:11,560
to engage in a meaningful
period of self-reflection
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00:02:11,600 --> 00:02:13,240
regarding our carbon footprint.
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00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:15,120
Oh, fuck off.
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00:02:15,160 --> 00:02:17,760
Where am I supposed to go
for a week?
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00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:20,920
Oh, my God. This is incredible.
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00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:23,560
This is horrendous.
Oh, come on, we'll get you through.
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00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:26,240
I can't believe I'm in for a week
of banter about Michelle Keegan's
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00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:28,560
fucking arse.
I know, it's great.
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00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:31,680
MUSIC: Chelsea Dagger
by The Fratellis
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NARRATOR: Nice One Mate
took on interns as free labour.
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00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:43,000
The editor, Eddie, a 30-something
divorce whose breath even smelt
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00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:47,120
of cocaine, addressed everyone
as either bruv, buddy, pal, lad,
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00:02:47,160 --> 00:02:48,680
geezer, fella or...
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00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:52,400
Broskis, listen the fuck up.
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00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:56,320
We have got some
new work experience in.
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00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:58,760
You all right, fella? Grab a Mac.
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00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:01,320
There's a drinks fridge in the shape
of a VW camper van out back.
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00:03:01,360 --> 00:03:04,000
Honestly, mate, it's fucking nutty
stuff, do you know what I mean?
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00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:06,080
Feel free to grab a beer,
by the way.
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00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:08,000
Um, just bung a quid
in the Pudsey Bear box.
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00:03:08,040 --> 00:03:09,800
Half the proceeds
go towards a good cause
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00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:11,640
like the Ayia Napa work weekend
trip away.
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00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:13,400
Shabba!
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00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:15,600
Sorry, am I invisible, or...?
I guess so.
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00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:21,200
Now, our editorial interests include
pulling, nightlife, girls,
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00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:24,560
festivals, promo codes for Stone
Island jackets, Bitcoin
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00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:26,640
and girls.
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00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:27,920
This is so fucking lame.
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00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:31,640
And, yeah, just remember, we live
fast, work fast and die young.
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00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:32,800
RIP, Simmo.
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00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:36,880
He died doing what he loved,
you know?
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00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:41,840
Zorbing for 500 words and the
world's most dangerous stag dos.
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00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:47,000
Anyway, I call an editorial pitch
meeting on the hour, every hour.
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00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:50,840
Yeah? It's where one of you lot
will write up my fucking sick ideas.
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Capiche?
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00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:55,080
Good stuff.
BRB, I'm off for a shit.
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00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:56,320
HE CHUCKLES
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00:03:57,920 --> 00:03:58,920
Shit...
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00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:06,160
Hello. You must be Jack.
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00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:10,160
I'm producer Beth, and welcome
to Koolio Radio, where the music
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00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:13,440
and chat are too Koolio
a-for schoolio.
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00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:15,480
Do you always speak in that voice?
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00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:18,720
Soz. I forget when I'm not on air to
get rid of the intonation pattern.
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00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:20,360
Let's go!
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00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:23,840
You'll be sat here during the show,
manning calls and texts from young
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00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:28,080
listeners who want advice from our
fab duo, Bethy B and Dr Prateek.
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00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:29,520
Wait, you present the show as well?
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00:04:29,560 --> 00:04:32,440
I do now, mainly due to budget
cuts and the old presenter
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00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:34,680
was a paedophile.
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00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:37,120
So follow this script figuring
out if the calls or texts
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00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:38,480
are appropriate to be put on air.
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00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:42,000
OK. I'll be presenting and driving
the radio desk during the show.
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00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:45,640
OK, what if someone calls in
and they're like having a meltdown?
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00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:48,720
Mm...there's a safeguarding file.
Terms and conditions apply.
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00:04:48,760 --> 00:04:51,560
If anyone's suicidal, please refer
them to the Koolio Radio website.
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00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:53,720
Sorry. Say that again.
Brill! We're live in 25.
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00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:56,320
Before I forget, I'm a soy flat
white. Dr Prateek's a green tea.
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00:04:56,360 --> 00:05:00,120
Watch out for prank calls and don't
put through a girl named Tamsin.
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00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:09,160
Hello.
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00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:10,640
Excuse me, hi.
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00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:13,560
Are there any other women here,
or is it just...?
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00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:16,400
Babe, sit.
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00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:18,280
Take a seat right there.
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00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:21,080
OK, so we are the subeditors.
I'm Meryl.
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00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:23,040
I upload everything,
check it can't get sued.
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00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:26,240
And I also try and moderate
comments from tiny-dicked
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00:05:26,280 --> 00:05:28,160
men's rights activists.
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00:05:28,200 --> 00:05:31,600
Stick with us cos Eddie over there
only talks to blokes.
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00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:35,600
Ah, I'm leaving. I don't want to be
around misogyny disguised as banter.
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00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:38,560
Oh, OK, Germaine Greer,
but this is the real world, so.
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00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:40,440
Yeah.
Corinne, you need work experience
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00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:43,560
credits to pass second year of uni,
so get involved.
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00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:44,760
What, and...?
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00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:48,920
Look, spend the week with us,
and you will do some of the most
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00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:51,240
challenging subediting
of your career.
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00:05:51,280 --> 00:05:55,440
And you'll learn how to win
against dickhead blokes like Eddie.
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00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:58,760
Now, come and help me
cut down this piece
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00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:00,520
on Michelle Keegan's arse.
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00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:01,920
SHE EXHALES
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00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:06,480
I can't believe she expects
us to call her that now.
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00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:08,520
Oh, don't be mean.
She's just got married.
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00:06:08,560 --> 00:06:10,920
Well, I, for one, will not
be calling her
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00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:13,480
Cheryl Fernandez-Versini -
I can't be dealing with that.
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00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:15,920
I can't believe you're due
in two weeks.
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00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:18,200
It feels like only yesterday
I was changing your nappy.
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00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:20,120
Well, I'll be
changing yours soon, Nan.
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00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:22,440
Oh, my God, Peggy,
Russell just liked your new prof
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00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:24,120
pic on Facey B. Oh.
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00:06:24,160 --> 00:06:26,680
We're going to the pub on Friday
after he's finished work.
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00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:28,360
What's he do?
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00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:30,040
He's a...
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00:06:30,080 --> 00:06:32,000
He's a minicab driver.
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00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:34,960
Oh, look, it's just
a very casual first drink.
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00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:37,200
You'll actually have to make
your own dinner, Shannon.
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00:06:37,240 --> 00:06:39,920
What? No, I'm eating for three
at the moment, Peggy.
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00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:41,720
That's very tricky for me.
Why three?
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00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:45,200
So many mums in Take a Break go in
to have a baby and then, surprise,
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00:06:45,240 --> 00:06:47,240
surprise, they come out with two.
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00:06:47,280 --> 00:06:49,800
Oh. So, I'm not taking any chances.
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00:06:49,840 --> 00:06:52,800
And, listen, don't you be getting
loved-up too soon, because I need
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00:06:52,840 --> 00:06:54,400
you to help me raise this baby.
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00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:55,520
Which reminds me -
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00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:59,040
OK, I've drawn up a childcare rota
for the three of us.
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00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:01,200
OK? You can fuck off, love.
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00:07:01,240 --> 00:07:03,520
Are you my nan? Nans help!
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00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:04,800
It's all right.
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00:07:04,840 --> 00:07:06,320
We'll help a bit.
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00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:09,160
But can you please
get the father involved?
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00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:11,760
Fine. OK. Yeah, I'll text Tarik,
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00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:14,520
see if he wants to take me
for dinner on Friday.
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00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:16,280
I'm not cooking for four.
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00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:20,120
OK, we're live in three, two, one.
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00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:22,200
Hey, folks, it's me, Beth,
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00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:25,200
and today's topic is exam stress.
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00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:30,400
So if you're going bonky, bonky,
bonkers over your GCSEs, get calling
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00:07:30,440 --> 00:07:34,400
0207 946 zero, a-three, a-three,
a-three.
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00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:36,400
Hello, you're through to
Koolio Radio.
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00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:37,800
What's your name and issue today?
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00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:41,560
Hi, I'm Lucy, I hate revising and
I need some tips on how to do it.
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00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:45,640
Great, Lucy. I'll patch you through
to the studio now.
168
00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:47,760
Hello, you're through to
Koolio Radio.
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00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:49,240
What's your name and issue today?
170
00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:51,720
Tamsin.
Uh, I want to talk to Dr Prateek
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00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:56,400
cos my GP's always busy
and I've got really itchy tits.
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00:07:56,440 --> 00:07:57,640
Oh, right.
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00:07:57,680 --> 00:08:02,800
Um, well, sadly, we can't help
your itchy tits. I mean breasts.
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00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:06,080
Uh...
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00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:07,440
Itchy tits.
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00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:11,280
Hello.
You're through to Koolio Radio.
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00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:12,440
What's your name and issue?
178
00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:13,680
It's me, it's Jules.
179
00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:15,840
Oh, Jules. I can't chat right now.
180
00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:17,760
I just wondered how
it was all going.
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00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:19,080
Are you making friends?
182
00:08:19,120 --> 00:08:20,640
Have you had lunch yet?
183
00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:22,280
DIAL TONE
184
00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:27,680
Good morning everybody.
185
00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:30,040
OK, let's gather round.
Gather round.
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00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:33,560
Uh, first things first, OK,
187
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:39,040
last night I absolutely
walloped Dodsy here on Fifa, 5-0.
188
00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:41,200
So you know what that means.
On the shitbox, Dodsy.
189
00:08:42,680 --> 00:08:46,480
My name's Dodsy
and I'm a pathetic excuse for a man.
190
00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:48,960
THEY CHEER
191
00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:50,920
Remember, if I beat
any of you 5-0,
192
00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:53,520
you have to publicly apologise
for letting mankind down.
193
00:08:53,560 --> 00:08:55,000
Yeah?
194
00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:57,040
Sit down, Dodsy. All right?
195
00:08:57,080 --> 00:09:01,640
Today, some of my very good pals,
Kasabian, they're going to pop
196
00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:03,440
into the office to do a Qandamp;A
on Twitter. Yeah?
197
00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:05,440
Dandruff, you on that?
198
00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:07,240
Yes. Nice one.
199
00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:10,320
So, new idea, OK?
Let's just go with this.
200
00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:13,160
I want to do a short-form video
on somebody getting their bollocks
201
00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:14,400
checked for cancerous lumps.
202
00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:16,280
But, wait for it,
203
00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:18,560
we're going to get
a page three model to do it.
204
00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,400
THEY CHEER
205
00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:21,440
Nah, just jokes.
206
00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:24,240
It will actually have to be a fully
qualified nurse, unfortunately.
207
00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:29,160
But the good news is, I will need
somebody to get their balls fondled.
208
00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:31,920
So, uh, let's go with
209
00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:33,800
you, Danny boy.
210
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:35,880
You'll be getting your tackle
out tomorrow. Yeah?
211
00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:37,160
Yeah. Nice.
212
00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:40,000
I'm going to need a video edit and
accompanying copy on my desk by six.
213
00:09:40,040 --> 00:09:41,840
OK? Whatever. Nice one, mate.
214
00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:42,960
Oh.
215
00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:46,760
Fuckin'... I crack myself up.
216
00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:58,480
Unfortunately, you soon realise
that everyone at Nice One Mate
217
00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:00,080
was a bit of a prick.
218
00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:03,240
Oh, lads, she might have found
a tiny lump.
219
00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:06,240
Oh, no, don't worry about it.
It's just Danny's left nut.
220
00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:08,280
THEY GUFFAW
221
00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:10,760
You're all good. Oh, cheers.
Uh, sorry about that.
222
00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:13,800
Oh, brill.
Thank you, by the way, nurse.
223
00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:15,960
Um, I just think it's always
good to raise awareness.
224
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:18,440
You know what I mean?
Well done, Ball Boy!
225
00:10:19,840 --> 00:10:21,880
Well done, Ball Boy! Ball Boy.
226
00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:23,360
Ball Boy. So clever!
227
00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:25,840
I actually can't believe
he gone through with that.
228
00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:29,120
229
00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:30,560
AIR HORN
230
00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:34,240
Today's show theme is all
about losing your virginity.
231
00:10:34,280 --> 00:10:37,680
So if you're worried about it,
give me and Dr Prateek a call.
232
00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:41,960
In the meantime,
here's Madge with Like a Virg.
233
00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:43,600
MUSIC: Like a Virgin
by Madonna
234
00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:45,600
Hello. You're through to
Koolio Radio.
235
00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:47,160
SNIGGERING
236
00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:48,240
Hello?
237
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:49,560
Oh, hello, dear.
238
00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:52,440
Are you a virgin
looking for advice from my show?
239
00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:55,360
No, I'm not a virgin!
I wouldn't be in this mess if I was.
240
00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:56,840
OK, Shannon.
241
00:10:56,880 --> 00:10:59,960
Can you hang up now
because I need to find a virgin.
242
00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:01,320
You're a virgin, ain't you?
243
00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:04,080
Yeah, I might be a virgin,
but at least I'm not a dickhead.
244
00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:07,000
Your mum's here, by the way,
darling, you're on speaker.
245
00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:08,400
Hi, my babe.
246
00:11:08,440 --> 00:11:10,160
OK, stop tuning in, both of you.
247
00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:11,440
You're too old.
248
00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:14,480
Oh, do you know what, Jack? That's
really charming. Thanks a lot.
249
00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:17,160
We're actually going to an antenatal
class now anyway, so...
250
00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:21,160
PHONE LINE BEEPS
Oh! He's naughty like that.
251
00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:23,880
Oh, while I remember, Pegs,
can you put some Muslim cloths
252
00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:25,600
in that birthing bag for me, please?
253
00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:27,640
Oh, I think you mean muslin.
254
00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:30,240
No, I don't think I do.
Let me just fact check that.
255
00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:35,560
Jack, we need a virgin.
256
00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:39,120
Sorry, I can't find any
good callers.
257
00:11:39,160 --> 00:11:41,440
Zero virgins so far.
258
00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:45,040
Well, I did just overhear
your last conversation.
259
00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:48,080
What? I didn't know
you can listen in on my calls.
260
00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:52,320
Yeah, it sounds like we do
have one, don't we?
261
00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:55,080
Here on the show,
we're joined by Jake...
262
00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:57,520
Oh, it's actually...
..the 20-year-old virgin.
263
00:11:57,560 --> 00:12:00,560
Yep, it's Jake.
Very brave of you to talk to us.
264
00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:04,560
So tell us,
why still the V plates?
265
00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:08,680
Wah-hey-hey, y'all right,
Ball Boy?
266
00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:09,960
SNIGGERS
267
00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:11,440
All right, Ball Boy?
268
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:12,840
HE SNORTS
269
00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:16,240
Oh! Guys, gather around a second.
270
00:12:16,280 --> 00:12:18,240
I just had a bit of a
fucking brainwave.
271
00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:24,080
Right, so, I think we need to do
something new on male mental health.
272
00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:26,520
Yeah? The sad lad shtick.
273
00:12:26,560 --> 00:12:29,240
Smithy's piece about, um,
what was it? Cranking.
274
00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:31,400
You know, crying whilst
you're wanking over your ex.
275
00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:32,840
Did really well with engagement.
276
00:12:32,880 --> 00:12:35,360
Yeah? Meryl. Mm? What we got?
277
00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:40,320
Uh, yeah, Dodsy wants to write about
the 23 best Wetherspoons in Britain
278
00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:42,160
to be depressed in.
That's perfect.
279
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:44,400
Yeah, it's just rehashed
old bollocks about, you know,
280
00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:47,440
going down the pub, chatting with
your mates, you know? Anyone else?
281
00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:49,920
Anyone? Anyone?
282
00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:51,680
Go on. Ball Boy, hit me.
283
00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:55,880
Uh, yeah, like we could do a piece
about how it's important
284
00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:57,040
to talk, obviously.
285
00:12:57,080 --> 00:13:00,320
But, you know, we need to help
people know what to say when a mate
286
00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:02,280
does actually open up.
287
00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:03,680
OK. Yeah.
288
00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:07,560
Especially as, you know, wait times
now for talking therapies
289
00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:09,040
are getting longer and longer so...
290
00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:11,520
Oh. No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
mate, mate, mate,
291
00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:13,800
it's way too deep.
You're killing my vibe.
292
00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:16,640
Don't get all political,
do you know what I mean?
293
00:13:16,680 --> 00:13:20,120
Maybe Danny could write about why
the best cure for depression
294
00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:21,400
is a cheeky Nando's.
295
00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:23,360
Bosh. Thank you, Meryl.
296
00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:26,720
It's like you see in me sometimes,
do you know what I mean?
297
00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:30,480
Right, you write that up.
I'm gonna go to the loo.
298
00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:32,120
Hang on. Right.
299
00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:34,720
Ah! Sunday Brunch in there
can go and fuck himself.
300
00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:36,600
Do you know what,
they're all fucking idiots.
301
00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:39,280
And don't say, "I told you so."
I wasn't.
302
00:13:39,320 --> 00:13:42,040
Oh, do you know, I am sick of
people just trying to humiliate me.
303
00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:44,000
I'm not taking it anymore.
304
00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:46,640
Fuck it, do you know what,
he is a jumped-up, coked up,
305
00:13:46,680 --> 00:13:50,040
secret posh boy with a website.
Mummy and fucking Daddy bought him.
306
00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:52,440
He wouldn't know a good idea
if it came spunked in his mouth.
307
00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:53,720
Wow. OK.
308
00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:56,360
For what it's worth,
I say write your pitch,
309
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:59,200
I'll upload it
and I won't flag it to Eddie.
310
00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:00,840
Really? Yeah.
311
00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:02,560
I'm leaving next month anyway.
312
00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:03,880
Fucking hate it here.
313
00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:06,640
Aye, fuck him.
314
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:07,840
Let's do it.
315
00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:09,800
OK. Yeah.
316
00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:11,880
MUSIC: Living For The Weekend
by Hard-Fi
317
00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:22,440
I'm tired
318
00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:26,000
all week and I'm
319
00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:30,040
320
00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:33,640
321
00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:37,400
322
00:14:37,440 --> 00:14:40,960
and I can't wait...
323
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:43,040
I'm just picking today's
show subject
324
00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:47,720
out of this hilarious fez hat.
325
00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:50,040
And it's
326
00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:52,440
exam stress again.
327
00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:53,920
So call in on...
328
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:57,880
VOICE MUFFLED THROUGH GLASS:
..0207 496 0333.
329
00:14:57,920 --> 00:15:00,680
Koolio Radio,
what's your issue?
330
00:15:00,720 --> 00:15:03,560
Hi, I'm Greg. I'm just really
struggling to learn equations
331
00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:04,880
for my maths exam.
332
00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:07,560
Oh, OK.
333
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:08,840
Great.
334
00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:11,920
Well, Greg, I'll, uh, patch
you through to the studio.
335
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:15,200
And we have our first caller.
336
00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:20,120
So, Greg, tell us, what's up?
337
00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:21,160
Yeah.
338
00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:23,760
Uh, why don't you go
339
00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:25,560
fuck her right in the pussy?
340
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:27,720
VOICE ECHOES AND SLOWS:
Fuck her right in the pussy.
341
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:30,280
Fuck her right in the pussy.
342
00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:32,320
The pussy! Pussy!
343
00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:35,400
Pussy. Pussy. Pussy.
344
00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:39,800
I'm Greg...
Fuck her right in the pussy.
345
00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:44,000
Fuck her right in the pussy.
346
00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:47,080
To be fair,
you wouldn't have known this,
347
00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:50,360
but when that is said on radio,
somebody's got to get sacked.
348
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:51,560
It's not going to be me.
349
00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:54,360
And it is certainly not
going to be Dr Prateek.
350
00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:55,400
So...
351
00:15:56,920 --> 00:15:59,480
How can you get sacked from
an experience?
352
00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:03,320
Hey, congrats. Oh.
Cheers, man. Thanks. Thanks.
353
00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:06,360
Well done, mate. Oh, ta.
354
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:07,800
What? Jesus.
355
00:16:07,840 --> 00:16:08,840
Oh!
356
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:11,360
Congrats. Oh, thanks. Thank you.
357
00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:13,760
Ooh-wee. It has done really well.
358
00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:16,880
More comments than anything
all week. Really? Mm-hm.
359
00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:19,840
Although hard to believe, you're
actually not an idiot, Danny King.
360
00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:21,080
Shut up.
361
00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:23,280
I don't know why you two
keep being a couple of secret.
362
00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:24,920
Oh, no... We're not a couple. No.
363
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:28,400
Oi! Ball Boy, Sturgeon, a word.
364
00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:32,280
So, do you think you were clever
going against me?
365
00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:35,440
No. We just realised that all
the content you put out is pure
366
00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:38,000
misogyny rooted in humiliation
masquerading as banter.
367
00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:39,320
In English, please, love.
368
00:16:39,360 --> 00:16:41,600
She means you're shit, mate.
Well, charming.
369
00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:44,840
I was about to offer you both
a column.
370
00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:48,320
I actually read the piece, yeah?
I thought it was pretty good.
371
00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:51,000
Please. The only reason you like it
is because it was popular.
372
00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:53,080
We had to undermine you to get
it published.
373
00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:56,480
And that is because you, Eddie,
are a massive c-...
374
00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:59,040
Country and western party!
375
00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:01,000
Come on in and drink the bar dry.
376
00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:03,800
Final day of summer,
so half-price cheeky VKs.
377
00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:05,240
Line dancing imminent.
378
00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:06,280
Yee-haw!
379
00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:10,200
Hello, Danny, mate.
How's it going?
380
00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:11,920
Jack, you're half cut.
381
00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:14,920
It's the middle of the day and,
like, you're supposed to be at work.
382
00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:16,600
And,
383
00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:18,800
I've never been more proud of you!
384
00:17:18,840 --> 00:17:21,280
Well, you know what?
Fuck it, mate.
385
00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:23,240
I've just been sacked
from my work experience.
386
00:17:23,280 --> 00:17:24,600
Same.
387
00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:26,840
THEY CHEER
388
00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:29,640
389
00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:30,840
390
00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:33,320
No! You can't say that anymore,
Danny.
391
00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:35,240
What?
No, it's Cockney rhyming slang.
392
00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:37,640
It's not offensive.
It's inclusive, if anything.
393
00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:40,440
This guy.
Right, I'm gonna get a drink.
394
00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:42,680
OK, yeah, will do. Be nice to him.
I will. Have fun.
395
00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:43,960
Love, Tarik. Go, go, go.
396
00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:47,120
Hiya. Hiya.
397
00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:50,840
Wow, you look lovely.
398
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:54,400
Got you these. Oh.
399
00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:58,400
4.99. Thanks a lot.
No problem.
400
00:17:58,440 --> 00:18:00,560
So, I was thinking we could get
a kebab.
401
00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:04,920
Just, uh, sit in the van, eat it,
and then maybe go bowling.
402
00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:06,720
Hm. Bowling? Yeah.
403
00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:09,640
I am eight-and-a-half-months
pregnant, Tarik.
404
00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:11,960
Well, I'd let you
have the barriers up.
405
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:14,160
Brilliant.
No, thank you, to bowling.
406
00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:15,920
I will take a kebab.
407
00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:18,560
I'm actually quite a big fan of
having a kebab before a night out.
408
00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:19,600
WHISPERS: Same.
409
00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:26,680
Hello.
410
00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:28,360
Well, you look lovely.
411
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:29,920
Aw.
412
00:18:31,560 --> 00:18:33,560
I've got you a brandy and coke.
413
00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:34,800
Oh, my favourite.
414
00:18:36,120 --> 00:18:37,360
Calms the nerves.
415
00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:39,200
Yeah.
416
00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:42,200
And I got here early to put
The Clash on the jukebox.
417
00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:44,560
I remember they're your favourite.
418
00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:46,480
Oh, Russell.
419
00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:47,680
Cheers.
420
00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:50,240
If I hadn't, Gary on the bar'd
be playing Il Divo and I can't be
421
00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:51,280
dealing with that shit.
422
00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:54,920
Oh, such boring fuckers.
We get it. You're Italian.
423
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:58,120
They're actually not Italian.
They're a mixed heritage group.
424
00:18:58,160 --> 00:18:59,800
MUSIC: Act I: La Ci Darem la Mano
by Mozart
425
00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:03,400
426
00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:10,960
It'd be the greatest honour
of my life to co-parent with you.
427
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:13,120
Although I don't actually
know anything about you.
428
00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:19,080
OK, well, I am an Aquarius
with a Capricorn moon.
429
00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:21,480
What about you?
430
00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:25,400
I did the quiz online,
and I'm a Hufflepuff. Right.
431
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:28,080
What's that, then?
Harry Potter.
432
00:19:28,120 --> 00:19:30,400
Oh, no. I've never seen it.
433
00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:33,120
You've never seen Harry Potter?
No.
434
00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:35,200
If I wanted to see an orphan
with a scar on his face,
435
00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:36,400
I'd go to Luton.
436
00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:39,640
MUSIC: Lifetime
by Romy Madley Croft
437
00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:40,960
438
00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:44,520
You'll be right be
439
00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:46,360
440
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:49,880
You'll be right be
441
00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:55,400
I can't get from nobody else
442
00:19:55,440 --> 00:20:01,160
You know I'll never let
this feeling go to waste
443
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:05,040
444
00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:08,800
from a higher place
445
00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:13,360
and I still know the taste
446
00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:18,800
when the sun hits your face
447
00:20:20,360 --> 00:20:22,080
448
00:20:22,120 --> 00:20:24,400
449
00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:26,920
You keep looking at me. Do I?
450
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:31,160
Why haven't you responded
to any of my texts all year?
451
00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:34,560
Well, cos you fancy Yemi.
452
00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:36,160
Everyone fancies Yemi.
453
00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:38,360
No. I fancy both of you.
454
00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:41,800
I chatted you up because
I fancied you.
455
00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:44,000
Really?
456
00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:46,560
Yeah.
457
00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:49,640
NARRATOR: So, after two years at
uni, 17 terrible Grindr hook-ups,
458
00:20:49,680 --> 00:20:51,880
some 500-plus wanks, I said...
459
00:20:51,920 --> 00:20:54,440
Do you fancy going somewhere?
460
00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:56,040
KISSING AND MOANING
461
00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:02,920
NARRATOR: I was finally about to
lose my virginity.
462
00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:07,840
So, I've worked out our astrological
compatibility. Right.
463
00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:12,480
OK. And it says that we're both
very kind, which is good.
464
00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:16,040
Um, I've got a temper,
which is true.
465
00:21:16,080 --> 00:21:18,840
And you are quite clumsy.
466
00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:20,040
Which...
467
00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:24,400
So, we might be good parents.
468
00:21:24,440 --> 00:21:27,240
And what about, um, your family?
Your parents?
469
00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:29,560
Oh, um,
so, my dad died when I was three.
470
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:32,120
My mum went to Australia
when I was in year seven,
471
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:34,760
but I can't stand the accent,
so I just stayed here with my nan.
472
00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:36,520
That's nice you're so close.
473
00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:38,160
Hm... Ow.
474
00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:40,120
Ow, my tummy hurts.
475
00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:42,400
Well, you have just had two kebabs.
476
00:21:43,920 --> 00:21:46,120
Oh, my God, what's all that juice?
477
00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:48,880
And what did you say?
478
00:21:48,920 --> 00:21:53,080
I said, Well, allegedly, David
Cameron has fucked a pig." Right?
479
00:21:53,120 --> 00:21:55,320
And she goes, "Don't talk
about women like that."
480
00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:58,040
And I'm like, "No, an actual pig!"
481
00:21:58,080 --> 00:21:59,080
PHONE RINGS
482
00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:04,440
Laurie would tell me about mad
chats he'd have in the cab.
483
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:06,000
How long was he a black cabbie?
484
00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:07,720
27 years.
485
00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:11,560
Yeah.
He sounds like he was a great bloke.
486
00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:14,240
He'd be happy I was on a date,
by the way.
487
00:22:14,280 --> 00:22:16,240
Although not with a minicab driver.
488
00:22:16,280 --> 00:22:18,720
Yeah. Black cabbies
tend to think we're scum.
489
00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:20,920
I'm yet to be convinced you're not.
490
00:22:22,440 --> 00:22:24,040
PHONE RINGS
491
00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:25,680
Oh.
492
00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:26,800
What?
493
00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:28,720
SHE BREATHES INTENSELY
494
00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:31,120
Breathe, Shannon.
You're going to be fine.
495
00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:34,600
We're five minutes
from the hospital.
496
00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:36,680
This is going to be my favourite
delivery yet.
497
00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:39,080
Don't hold my hand! Drive!
498
00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:44,440
NARRATOR: And just as I was about to
fuck Oscar...
499
00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:45,960
You are so predictable.
500
00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:47,760
You got with me in the same
toilet last year.
501
00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:49,760
What? You two got with each other?
502
00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:51,960
Unfortunately. Fuck.
503
00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:53,400
We should all get with each other.
504
00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:55,280
No, thank you, Brokeback Mountain.
505
00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:57,880
Get up.
You left your phone on the table.
506
00:22:57,920 --> 00:22:59,200
Shannon's in labour.
507
00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:01,640
We got to go hospital.
You're drunk.
508
00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:04,480
And I just dropped a pill 20 minutes
ago cos everyone fucked off.
509
00:23:04,520 --> 00:23:06,200
Do I have to?
510
00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:08,600
I'm kind of in the middle of
something.
511
00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:10,960
Oh, fuck's sake.
512
00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:13,040
Sorry, Oscar.
513
00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:14,600
Where's Danny and Corinne?
514
00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:17,400
MUSIC: I Am Not a Robot
(Clock Opera Remix)
by MARINA and The Diamonds
515
00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:30,600
516
00:23:30,640 --> 00:23:34,800
517
00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:37,400
518
00:23:37,440 --> 00:23:39,560
519
00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:43,040
520
00:23:43,080 --> 00:23:46,000
521
00:23:47,080 --> 00:23:51,360
522
00:23:51,400 --> 00:23:53,920
don't hang up.
523
00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:55,920
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
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