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00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,440
This programme contains
strong language and adult humour.
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00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:05,880
The morning you first left for uni,
3
00:00:05,920 --> 00:00:07,360
your nan took you
for a full English,
4
00:00:07,400 --> 00:00:09,640
knowing it may well be the last
before she was too poorly
5
00:00:09,680 --> 00:00:12,160
to do a competitive
all-you-can-eat-breakfast challenge.
6
00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:15,000
Can't believe I've a grandson
off to university.
7
00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:16,800
Feel like the fucking Queen.
8
00:00:16,840 --> 00:00:20,400
Oi. Look, it's Brent Uni,
all right? Not St Andrews.
9
00:00:20,440 --> 00:00:22,200
There's kids studying mime, for
fuck's sake.
10
00:00:22,240 --> 00:00:24,600
Well, mime's still better than
the dole.
11
00:00:24,640 --> 00:00:27,440
Got your pressies before you go. Oh.
12
00:00:30,480 --> 00:00:32,200
Sudocrem.
13
00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:33,800
JLS johnnies, only the best.
14
00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:36,000
Corsodyl?
15
00:00:36,040 --> 00:00:39,240
Bleeding gums put women off.
Trust me.
16
00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:42,800
Right. Listen, if there's
any problems, OK,
17
00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:45,160
promise me you'll just call me
and I'll come racing back.
18
00:00:45,200 --> 00:00:46,520
Oh. All right.
19
00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:49,760
There's loads of people round here
that can help you an' all. I know.
20
00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:53,120
Let's not spoil now. OK.
21
00:00:53,160 --> 00:00:55,360
Has your dad text to say goodbye
at all?
22
00:00:56,440 --> 00:00:58,440
No. What a wanker.
23
00:00:58,480 --> 00:00:59,960
Oi.
24
00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:02,040
Let's not spoil now.
25
00:01:02,080 --> 00:01:04,200
Nan and Dan for ever.
26
00:01:04,240 --> 00:01:06,440
Dan and Nan for ever.
27
00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:10,800
Come on, big hug.
28
00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:15,400
I love you.
29
00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:17,720
I love you. I love you.
30
00:01:17,760 --> 00:01:19,080
I love you.
31
00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:21,040
I love you, too.
32
00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:23,920
Now, don't pull a minger!
33
00:01:25,240 --> 00:01:26,880
All right?
34
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:28,080
Bye. Ta-rah!
35
00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:37,800
Every freshers event was always
about sex,
36
00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:41,240
from the school disco party, where
everyone dressed as slutty versions
37
00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:43,480
of the children they were only
four years before,
38
00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:44,960
to the traffic light party,
39
00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:48,600
where lads with loving girlfriends
back home still dressed in green
40
00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:51,120
but Yemi, as LGBT society president,
41
00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:53,240
wanted to make everything
a bit more inclusive.
42
00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:57,880
We are here, we are queer
and we are wearing cotton sheer.
43
00:01:57,920 --> 00:02:00,680
Yo, we're going to set up this LGBT+
stand
44
00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:03,320
and then we're going to get fucking
wasted. Woo! Yeah!
45
00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:06,040
I've had my city-city pram-pram,
I'm in a good mood
46
00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:07,440
and I'm ready to get wood.
47
00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:11,240
Danny, I'm chuffed that you can get
an erection but do we have to hear
about it every five minutes?
48
00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:13,120
Yes, because it's a medical miracle.
49
00:02:13,160 --> 00:02:16,080
Me and Jackie boy here, we are
fully out to fuck a fresher.
50
00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:19,880
OK... That sounds quite predatory,
but, yeah. Yeah, we are.
51
00:02:19,920 --> 00:02:22,120
Mate, some of the birds at this uni
are older than me.
52
00:02:22,160 --> 00:02:23,920
Amy from fine arts, 37.
53
00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:26,000
Diane from illustration is 43.
54
00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:27,960
Yeah, and both are married. Yes.
55
00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:30,960
And what do you think creative,
unhappily married women do, right?
56
00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:34,680
They fill out a UCAS form
and they fuck their way through
a short-term arts degree.
57
00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:37,240
Hello, Mummy. You repulse me
sometimes.
58
00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:38,880
Yeah, I repulse myself.
59
00:02:38,920 --> 00:02:41,200
Anyway, you're going to be
entertaining Spencer later,
60
00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:44,880
so just try not to think about my
raging hard-ons all night long, OK?
61
00:02:44,920 --> 00:02:46,040
God.
62
00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:49,280
You know how normally when straight
guys talk about their dicks,
I'm aroused?
63
00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:52,360
With you, I'm just bored.
OK, fine.
64
00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:55,480
I won't make any more mentions
of my erections for the rest
of the evening.
65
00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:57,800
Touch wood! Oh, come on.
66
00:02:57,840 --> 00:02:59,360
SHE CHUCKLES
67
00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:03,800
Jackie boy, are you going to help
us?
68
00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:05,560
I am putting this sign up
for your lot.
69
00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:09,080
Sorry, I just can't seem to get any
good 3G signal down here.
70
00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:12,520
I'm streaming Strictly Come Dancing.
Oh, fuck's sake.
71
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:15,000
What? It's Alison Hammond's
first week.
72
00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:17,280
She's doing the cha-cha-cha
to Chaka Khan.
73
00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:18,720
I don't give a cha-cha-shit, mate.
74
00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:20,400
We're supposed to be on the pull.
75
00:03:20,440 --> 00:03:23,520
Tonight is about
strictly come...dumping.
76
00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:26,680
Big finger in the house!
SHE CHUCKLES
77
00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:28,680
Look who's back.
Oh, no, actually, sorry.
78
00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:30,600
Erm, why are you dressed like that?
79
00:03:30,640 --> 00:03:32,080
It's the traffic light party, innit?
80
00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:34,200
No, it's first years only,
I'm afraid.
81
00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:35,400
Are you kidding me?
82
00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:37,800
We actually have really strict rules
about this kind of thing
83
00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:39,640
because of last year's
traffic lights,
84
00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:42,360
when I caught a couple
of our caretakers
head to toe green boilersuits
85
00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:43,960
skulking around after the students.
86
00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:46,600
They were, like, 23, 24. It's like
really disgusting creeps.
87
00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:49,560
It's not disgusting. You're 26,
right?
88
00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:51,960
Yeah. OK. Thank you.
That's very sweet.
89
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:54,360
OK, guys. Right, BRB.
90
00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:55,640
I'm going to pop on my...
91
00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:58,680
# Apple bottom jeans
Boots with the fur... #
92
00:03:58,720 --> 00:03:59,880
Do you believe it?
93
00:03:59,920 --> 00:04:02,840
Look, to be honest, Danny, the best
way for you to actually pull tonight
94
00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:05,480
is by you leaning into the fact that
you are an older gentleman.
95
00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:07,280
Older gentleman? Precisely.
96
00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:09,160
You want to compete with all the
new arrives?
97
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:11,880
You've got to present like
a hot classic car.
98
00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:14,040
Capitalise.
99
00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:15,600
Yeah.
100
00:04:15,640 --> 00:04:17,320
OK.
101
00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:20,600
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
102
00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:32,240
Jack, why aren't you out there?
103
00:04:32,280 --> 00:04:34,680
He's FaceTiming Peggy, while she
holds the iPad up to the telly
104
00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:36,160
playing Strictly.
105
00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:37,360
What the fuck are you wearing?
106
00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:39,120
Hello, Danny babe.
107
00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:40,640
Jack, give me the phone.
108
00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:42,200
Look... Hey, Pegs.
109
00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:45,440
Listen, me and Jack are supposed
to be out on the pull tonight, so...
110
00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:48,120
And why are you dressed like
Richard Hammond, then?
111
00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:49,280
Sorry!
112
00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:51,200
Are Alison and Richard related?
113
00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:53,520
Peggy, do you want your son
watching ballroom dancing
114
00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:56,360
on a Saturday night, or do you want
him out here living his life?
115
00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:58,000
Actually, you're totally right
there.
116
00:04:58,040 --> 00:05:00,600
You know, tell Jack I'm going
to hang up now. All right, OK.
117
00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:02,720
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
118
00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:07,040
No, I'm keeping this until you get
out there and chat up some gay boys.
119
00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:11,040
Fine. Homophobe. Dweeb.
120
00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:13,520
Some prick's just nominated me for
the ice bucket challenge.
121
00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:14,640
Jules? Yes.
122
00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:16,600
She nominated me twice this week.
123
00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:19,360
It's attention-seeking masquerading
as a charitable endeavour.
124
00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:21,760
It's girls in white T-shirts
getting soaked in ice water
125
00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:23,440
for motor neurone disease.
Yes, please.
126
00:05:23,480 --> 00:05:25,320
You're despicable. I know.
127
00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:27,920
Right, Spencer is here, so I'm going
to go.
128
00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:30,440
OK. Good luck, pal. Go get 'em.
129
00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:36,200
STRICTLY THEME PLAYS
130
00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:37,520
Oh, it's sad, though.
131
00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:41,200
It's sad how a Latin American
movement pattern can wreck a home.
132
00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:44,000
What? Strictly curse.
133
00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:46,600
It absolutely terrifies me.
134
00:05:46,640 --> 00:05:48,960
You don't date a celeb, though.
135
00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:51,880
Peggy, I'm a party planner.
I'm around celebs all the time.
136
00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:54,120
I could... I could easily meet
a celeb.
137
00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:57,520
And then one day he'd probably
leave me for a Russian woman
138
00:05:57,560 --> 00:05:58,840
with amazing posture.
139
00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:02,560
Maybe focus on dating
a non-celeb first.
140
00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:05,200
Have you told the father yet?
141
00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:08,320
No. I don't see why I should have
to.
142
00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:10,640
We both know that the best way
to get on The Apprentice
143
00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:13,880
is to be a single mum
and an independent business owner.
144
00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:17,880
It's common decency to let someone
know when they've knocked you up.
145
00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:21,360
At the very least,
kids are fucking expensive.
146
00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:24,280
You're going to need a hand.
OK, then. Fine.
147
00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:26,240
I will order something from Asos.
148
00:06:26,280 --> 00:06:29,320
What? Why? You're skint.
149
00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:31,320
The father's a next-day delivery
driver.
150
00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:36,080
Oh, God.
151
00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:40,920
It began with, you know, just a
little parcel here and there and...
152
00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:42,360
Thank you.
153
00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:43,760
See ya.
154
00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:46,040
You know, a bit of flirty banter
at the door and...
155
00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:48,760
SHE GIGGLES
Stop it!
156
00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:49,920
Oh.
157
00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:52,120
He came on pretty strong.
158
00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:56,560
And, yeah, I was feeling
a little bit lonely, so...
159
00:06:56,600 --> 00:06:58,840
Right.
160
00:06:58,880 --> 00:07:02,200
Well, I hope he ain't
a Hermes delivery driver.
161
00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:06,000
I wouldn't go there.
162
00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:07,680
I would never go there.
163
00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:14,120
Asos.
164
00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:15,160
Yeah.
165
00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:19,760
The other day I had a hook-up
and as I was leaving the guy's room,
166
00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:22,760
we realised we'd taken off the exact
same outfit,
167
00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:25,720
same T-shirt, same underwear,
same socks. All of it.
168
00:07:25,760 --> 00:07:27,360
Happens all the time. Yeah.
169
00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:30,280
I looked inside one of the pairs
of pants to see if it was my size,
170
00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:32,240
and I just saw this huge crusty
skid mark
171
00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:34,880
straight down the middle of them.
172
00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:36,960
That's how I knew they were mine.
173
00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:42,440
Anyone who plays their cards right
gets to check if I'm joking or not.
174
00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:47,160
Do you guys want a hooch?
175
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:48,640
Please don't talk to me.
176
00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:49,840
Yes.
177
00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:52,560
Thanks, er, Oscar.
178
00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:54,240
Hey. No worries...
179
00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:56,760
..Jack.
180
00:07:57,960 --> 00:07:59,920
I'll get you a hooch.
181
00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:01,360
I like your earrings.
182
00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:04,000
Thanks. My boyfriend got them
for me. OK.
183
00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:06,080
I'm from Argentina. Oh, wow.
184
00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:07,960
I don't know anything about
Argentina,
185
00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:10,960
apart from obviously when Beckham
got the red card.
186
00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:14,160
David Beckham kicked Diego Simeone
in '98.
187
00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:16,080
Er, I was born in '96.
188
00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:17,120
You...
189
00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:24,480
So this is, I'd say, 65 to 75% of
my Ty Beanie Baby collection,
190
00:08:24,520 --> 00:08:27,840
the vast majority of which will have
to be bought in...
191
00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:29,840
Whilst you were getting your ear
chewed off,
192
00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:31,960
I managed to pull a really fit guy
of my own age,
193
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:34,000
which meant I got my phone back
and I got...
194
00:08:34,040 --> 00:08:36,240
Dandruff check. Oh, yeah.
195
00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:40,840
Have you douched?
Um, that's not on my checklist.
196
00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:43,720
I know, but if you're going to be
mating, you've got to get excavated.
197
00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:45,080
OK, OK. Thanks, Danny.
198
00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:47,520
So, what are you going to be
studying? Er, PR.
199
00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:50,160
Oh, cool, cool. Yeah.
I mean, we need PRs, right?
200
00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:52,320
Cos people always have affairs
that need covering.
201
00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:54,280
Er, yeah, sure.
202
00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:56,120
So what do you teach?
203
00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:59,200
Sorry...teach? Yeah. What are you,
like, a lecturer or...?
204
00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:00,560
No, I'm...
205
00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:03,560
PE.
206
00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:06,400
I mean, anyone with a history
of depression who spent weeks
207
00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:09,760
watching daytime telly in bed with
her as their only source of joy...
208
00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:11,280
BOTH: Loves Alison.
209
00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:14,440
Completely.
210
00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:16,360
Thanks for letting me tether
to your 3G.
211
00:09:17,760 --> 00:09:19,120
It's romantic, innit?
212
00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:21,600
Tethering.
213
00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:28,000
AUDIENCE CHEERS ON STRICTLY
214
00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:30,400
I'm... Sorry.
215
00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:34,240
I really want to do this,
but I need to watch this.
216
00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:35,960
Oh, yeah? Yeah, sure, sure.
217
00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:41,320
Alison's also just like a really
adept, proficient journalist.
218
00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:44,320
Do you know what I mean? Yeah.
I always say that.
219
00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:46,240
Well, you are a journalism student,
so...
220
00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:50,800
Hey, look, I'm going to be
right back. I just need to...
221
00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:56,000
# I get lost in my thoughts
and for hours of time
222
00:09:56,040 --> 00:10:01,640
# And it's making me feel
like I'm not alone any more
223
00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:05,080
# To be honest, to be honest
224
00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:13,320
# I'm trying to love
but I'm afraid to kill... #
225
00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:15,920
You hadn't had a text from your dad
in years.
226
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:19,280
# ..When to search or stay still
So I fly... #
227
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:21,520
Where is he?
228
00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:24,080
I need a tether.
229
00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:28,280
# ..Broken and yet tender
230
00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:32,800
# Always in and always out... #
231
00:10:34,440 --> 00:10:35,560
You OK?
232
00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:38,960
I can't find Oscar anywhere.
233
00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:46,520
You sure you're OK?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
234
00:10:46,560 --> 00:10:49,080
Erm, I think I might go, actually.
235
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:52,120
Yeah.
236
00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:57,640
Yeah, let's go.
237
00:10:57,680 --> 00:11:00,400
No, no, look, mate, I don't want to
ruin your night, like, you just...
238
00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:02,000
It's all good. Let's go.
239
00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:09,800
Despite our efforts to fuck
a fresher, we got back to the shed
240
00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:12,920
to find our flatmates were the ones
getting fucked instead.
241
00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:16,360
BED CREAKS, LOUD MOANING
242
00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:17,680
10.15pm.
243
00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:19,760
LOUDLY: It's the final day in
Chelmsford,
244
00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:23,120
and the food at Gavin's Caribbean
theme night has shocked his guests,
245
00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:24,640
as has his special package.
246
00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:29,360
Come Dine With Me, Channel 4.
Yeah. All right.
247
00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:31,160
But what specific channel?
248
00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:34,240
Oh, considering time of broadcast.
249
00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:35,360
E4 plus one.
250
00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:37,200
Bad luck. More4.
251
00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:40,800
MOANING INTENSIFIES
252
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:43,400
Oh, fuck!
253
00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:45,040
Are you OK, mate?
254
00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:48,680
Yeah. I mean, the girl I actually
like is being railed next door,
255
00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:51,640
right after the fresher I was
chirpsing mistook me for -
256
00:11:51,680 --> 00:11:52,960
wait for it - a lecturer.
257
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:55,480
So, yeah, I've had better nights.
258
00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:56,600
You?
259
00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:59,160
I'm just annoyed this Oscar guy
disappeared.
260
00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:03,400
I was finally chipsing someone
I really liked.
261
00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:06,200
Chirpsing.
262
00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:08,040
Chirps...chirpsing.
263
00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:09,280
Chirpsing.
264
00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:10,920
Chirpsing. There we go.
265
00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:15,400
MAN: You dirty pig! You dirty
fucking pig!
266
00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:18,280
Right, just eat Monster Munch, mate.
It drowns out the sound.
267
00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:22,520
Go on, get it in your mouth. Yeah.
Crunch, crunch, crunch.
268
00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:39,160
# Open your eyes
269
00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:46,800
# Wake up in the daylight... #
270
00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:48,760
LOUD MOANING
271
00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:52,080
Ooh, Oscar! You dirty boy!
272
00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:55,280
Oh, please say I'm dreaming that.
273
00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:57,320
Do you like that? Do you like it?
274
00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:58,840
Soz, mate.
275
00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:01,640
You naughty boy, Oscar!
276
00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:16,760
All right?
277
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:18,480
Yes.
278
00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:21,640
Spencer just left.
Oh! Wait, was Spencer here?
279
00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:23,960
Oh, I didn't realise that.
Shut up, Danny.
280
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:26,600
These walls are thin.
Yes, I know, Corinne.
281
00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:29,320
Sadly, Jack here got with a lad
called Oscar last night.
282
00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:30,840
Why is that sad?
283
00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:33,880
Because he came back and fucked
Yemi. Sorry, Jack. Oh, dear.
284
00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:35,840
Good morning. Good morning.
285
00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:37,600
Morning.
286
00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:38,840
Good morning, Jack.
287
00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:42,560
CROCKERY CLATTERS
288
00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:46,320
Corinne, babe, I think we need
to talk volume.
289
00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:49,480
Oh, do we? Mm-hm. Lots. Oh.
290
00:13:57,520 --> 00:13:59,720
What's up with her?
You fucked Oscar.
291
00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:01,400
That's who Jack likes. What?
292
00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:02,920
Yeah, we all heard you.
293
00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:06,600
Oh, shit.
294
00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:10,040
I'm sorry. Mm-hm.
295
00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:12,400
Right, I need to get some sleep.
Oh, shit.
296
00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:16,960
Oh, he's quite sexy, Shan.
297
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:19,120
Is he? Yeah.
298
00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:21,280
We only really did it
for about four minutes
299
00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:23,200
before he had to deliver another
parcel.
300
00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:25,960
Oh, poor boy. Poor boy?
301
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:27,960
Poor me, more like.
302
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:30,680
God, he's not the brightest spark...
303
00:14:32,040 --> 00:14:33,480
..at all.
304
00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:35,520
I don't know how he's going
to take it.
305
00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:36,720
DOORBELL RINGS
306
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:40,600
Wow. That's amazing.
307
00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:43,520
Yeah. And you can, like,
meet the baby and that
308
00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:46,560
but I am fully intending on being
a single mum-trepreneur, so...
309
00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:49,760
Well, I can help out as much as you
like or as little as you like.
310
00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:51,480
No, I won't need help, thank you.
311
00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:55,240
Well, let me give you my number.
312
00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:57,800
All right, well, don't write
on the parcel.
313
00:14:57,840 --> 00:14:59,240
And I'll give you my landline.
314
00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:01,680
Don't need to do that. Just in case.
315
00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:05,440
There you go.
I look forward to hearing from you.
316
00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:09,000
Actually, I don't need this.
I'm just going to take that.
317
00:15:09,040 --> 00:15:10,600
I just did that to get you here.
318
00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:13,160
So if you could return that for me,
that'd be great.
319
00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:14,720
OK. OK. Thanks. Bye.
320
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:20,200
Shannon Papadopoulou, shame on you.
321
00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:21,680
Peggy...
322
00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:23,920
No, he was quite mean to me
out there.
323
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:31,760
Hey!
324
00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:34,120
Did Alison get through on Strictly
last night?
325
00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:41,640
Are you concerned about
being radicalised to jihad?
326
00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:42,720
What if I am?
327
00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:45,920
The jihadis aren't overly keen on
the uptake from homos, mate.
328
00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:48,240
It says it there. Anyway,
do you want a coffee?
329
00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:49,400
I was going to go get one.
330
00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:51,360
What happened last night?
331
00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:53,920
Yeah, I don't know. I'm sorry.
332
00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:55,640
I went a bit AWOL.
333
00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:58,840
I just felt too drunk,
so I headed home.
334
00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:00,640
Oh, did you now?
335
00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:02,200
Yes.
336
00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:05,040
You didn't go to a big blue shed to
get called a fucking cum slut pig?
337
00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:09,440
Fucking hell. Yeah,
did Yemi tell you what we did?
338
00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:12,080
He didn't have to. We all heard it.
Oh, fuck.
339
00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:16,880
I just really love his shows. What?
340
00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:21,040
Yeah. His shows are, like,
insanely hot.
341
00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:25,400
What shows? I confess, I've been
a fan of Yemi for a while now.
342
00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:27,960
What are you talking about?
343
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:29,080
Yemi's web...
344
00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:31,280
..cam shows? Yes.
345
00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:34,600
Oscar said Yemi was a webcam
performer
346
00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:37,800
and he knew who I was from
Yemi's Instagram,
347
00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:41,640
which makes sense, because he somehow
knew I was a journalism student.
348
00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:42,960
Wait, wait-wait-wait.
349
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:44,080
So...
350
00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:48,760
So Yemi wanking on webcam to Oscar
is what we all heard?
351
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:52,080
That makes so much sense
because I kept hearing...
352
00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:53,920
SHE BREATHES HEAVILY
353
00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:58,080
Oh, dear, my webcam's fallen over.
354
00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:00,000
Look, well, good for him, all right?
355
00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:02,000
We can have a word, tell him to
quieten it down.
356
00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:05,000
But how Yemi makes his money
is none of our business.
357
00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:12,040
I want to watch.
358
00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:13,880
Good user interface.
359
00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:15,920
Hmm.
360
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:19,000
Hello. Hi, just doing some homework.
361
00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:23,760
I wanted to apologise, Jack,
for sleeping with Oscar.
362
00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:25,280
I'm sorry.
363
00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:27,840
I got you an apology gift that
I'd be more than happy
364
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:29,240
to assist you in trying.
365
00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:31,680
Oh, is that a clown horn?
Honk, honk.
366
00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:34,240
It's a silicone anal douche.
367
00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:35,600
Ooh, no, thank you.
368
00:17:35,640 --> 00:17:38,800
So you fill it up with warm water,
spread your cheeks, squat up
369
00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:40,400
your bowels, and then splush!
370
00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:43,840
You expel all demons, pagan spirits
and poo particles.
371
00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:45,640
A fresh bussy for the freshers.
372
00:17:45,680 --> 00:17:47,280
Thank you...Yemi!
373
00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:50,000
When I've finished doing some bits
and bobs in my room, I'll come out
374
00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:51,440
here and give you a tutorial.
375
00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:53,680
You could use that to do
the dishes, mate, couldn't you?
376
00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:56,200
It might mean you actually do them.
377
00:17:57,920 --> 00:18:00,520
Guys, why is he lying
that he fucked Oscar?
378
00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:02,960
Yeah, well, maybe because he's
embarrassed about his job,
379
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:06,840
which is more reason why
we should not watch his show.
380
00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:10,680
He's on, I hear pony.
381
00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:11,760
This is so wrong.
382
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:13,240
Don't be such a spoilsport.
383
00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:15,720
You're literally the one reading
a magazine full of tits.
384
00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:18,600
I'm reading an article
about renewable energy.
385
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,720
OK, anyway, I paid for these tits.
386
00:18:20,760 --> 00:18:23,280
Yeah, well, I just paid
5.99 to sign up, so...
387
00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:26,040
No, you didn't, you clicked the free
trial button. Shut up, Jack.
388
00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:28,560
So which one of you dirty bastards
want to come
389
00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:30,920
and lick this shoe clean?
390
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:32,680
Those are my Doc Martens.
391
00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:35,360
Ah, ah.
392
00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:37,200
All right, lads.
393
00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:39,040
Danny, come here, mate. What?
394
00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:41,520
Who's getting the drink in tonight?
395
00:18:41,560 --> 00:18:43,680
Oh, that's my Hard-fi T-shirt.
396
00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:45,320
# Let's have a Kiki
397
00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:46,880
# I want to have a Kiki
398
00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:48,160
# Lock the doors
399
00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:49,640
# Let's have a Kiki
400
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:55,080
# We're being served
401
00:18:55,120 --> 00:18:56,440
# Ha-ha-honey #.
402
00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:57,560
What's going on here?
403
00:18:57,600 --> 00:19:03,160
Oh, there's 69 of you dirty
bastards watching me right now.
404
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:04,320
Thank you.
405
00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:07,880
Special shout-outs go out
to Colin, Olusola.
406
00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:09,640
Brian Blessed - again?
407
00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:10,920
And...
408
00:19:13,760 --> 00:19:18,120
Yo, yo, yo, yo, listen, I'm about to
do a quick costume change.
409
00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:21,920
Stay here, enjoy this
short intermission.
410
00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:23,480
So what's he going to do now?
411
00:19:23,520 --> 00:19:25,000
Is he getting changed, he said?
412
00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:26,080
Busy?
413
00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:27,560
SCREAMING
414
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:29,280
Right, I'd have thought
you're cleverer
415
00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:32,120
than to let your chatroom username
be your university email address.
416
00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:33,560
Oh, shit.
417
00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:37,520
Right, you're all going to get
one question each.
418
00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:39,880
Only speak if holding the douche.
419
00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:42,240
Erm...
420
00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:45,280
Why are you doing it, babe?
421
00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:48,440
I'm a fashion student making
25 to 30 garments a term.
422
00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:50,760
I cannot afford decent fabrics
without this money.
423
00:19:50,800 --> 00:19:53,200
And how long have you...?
You've had your question.
424
00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:54,960
Pass on the douche.
425
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:58,760
OK, what stuff do you do?
426
00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:02,520
Sometimes I wank, sometimes
just show body.
427
00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:05,440
Sometimes I'll just be sitting there
talking about RuPaul's Drag Race.
428
00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:07,720
It really depends
what the viewers want.
429
00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:12,880
But can I just say, I told
them both several times
430
00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:15,600
that they shouldn't watch, but go
on, how much coin are you making?
431
00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:18,240
Depending on what kind of
show I'm doing...
432
00:20:18,280 --> 00:20:19,560
..roughly 300 a night.
433
00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:21,640
What? £300 a night.
434
00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:23,920
Flipping hell, right now I can
get hard-ons,
435
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:26,760
I'll bash a few out for some cash.
Shut up, Danny.
436
00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:29,280
OK, enough, I'm really going to need
all of you lot to help me
437
00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:31,000
keep my business on the DL.
438
00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:33,680
Yeah, and can I just say
I'm really sorry?
439
00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:35,960
OK, we could just... We could all
hear you.
440
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,360
Yeah, I'm sorry too.
441
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:40,960
I was just a bit jealous and...
442
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:45,240
Look, is there anything we can do
to make it up to you?
443
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:49,440
Despite the humiliation
of being Yemi's sex slave
444
00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:52,640
gimp dildo assistant, this was kind
of making me feel
445
00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:56,720
a bit more confident, knowing that
somewhere Oscar was...
446
00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:58,440
Yeah...
447
00:20:58,480 --> 00:21:01,160
And you felt confident you were
in a good enough place
448
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:02,760
to text your dad back.
449
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:09,240
Oh, fuck, it's brilliant.
450
00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:14,480
Oh, thanks.
451
00:21:14,520 --> 00:21:18,120
It's a shame we ain't met
Spencer yet.
452
00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:19,720
He's just really busy at the moment.
453
00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:21,160
He's busy? He is.
454
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:22,520
He's a poet, isn't he?
455
00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:24,560
Yes, Danny, he's a poet.
456
00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:27,360
And a very good one, actually.
457
00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:29,080
Very good.
458
00:21:29,120 --> 00:21:32,480
Actually, can I take a quick photo
of you?
459
00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:34,520
Why? It's for my nan, I know
it's weird.
460
00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:37,760
She just said... I said I'd send her
pictures of all my mates and...
461
00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:39,520
What, on her own? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
462
00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:42,440
Let me just take that...
OK, right, you ready?
463
00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:45,960
Just say ice bucket challenge!
464
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:47,240
Argh!
465
00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:54,840
This is fucking cashmere, Yemi.
466
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:56,040
Woo!
467
00:21:57,360 --> 00:21:58,960
What the fuck is wrong with you?
468
00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:25,880
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