Original subtitles

(soft funky music)

(funky music)

- Richard.

It's a bit loud, isn't it?

- What?

- Loud!

Bit too loud!

- I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

- The record player.

Loud!

- Right.

(funky music)

- Three o'clock!

Where's my other slipper?

Really.

Oh.

Well really.

- Who's got my drink?

- H. G. Wells.

- H. G. Wells?

- Not that H. G. Wells.

That H. G. Wells.

(soft funky music)

- Don't touch that, it's daddy's!

- I beg your pardon.

Excuse me.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Carry on.

Karen, stop carrying on!

- Make up your mind, Daddy.

- This noise has gone on long enough.

I'm going to put my foot down.

(yelling)

- Hello Daddy.

Glad to see you're getting with it.

- I have put my foot in a plate of hot spaghetti.

- It's all right, sir.

It's only my spaghetti.

- Daddy, this is Dumbo.

He's a laughing chamber pot.

- A what?

- With the group, like Manta Barley.

- Look, do you realise it's three o'clock in the morning?

What are the neighbours going to think with all this boogy woogy blaring out?

- Boogy what?

- Woogy, music.

I mean don't misunderstand me.

I like to see you having, Karen, will you stop talking while I'm snogging to you.

I mean nobody can say that I'm a square.

- No.

I've cut a rug with the best of them in my time.

(doorbell ringing)

There you are, you see.

- Oh, blimey, it's the fuzz.

- Good evening, miss.

We just had a complaint phoned in about the noise of your party.

Now do you think you can keep it down a bit?

- Yes, all right.

It'll be breaking up soon anyway.

- Thank you, miss.

- Somebody phoned in to complain?

What a mean trick.

Who was it?

- I'm sorry, miss, I can't reveal that.

All right, Mr. Glover, any more trouble, just phone in again.

- Traitor.

- Officer.

Officer.

That was a bit tactless, wasn't it?

- Why didn't you put a stop to it yourself, sir?

- Well, I, I didn't want to be unpopular, you see.

Whereas you chaps, you're unpopular already.

Oh, not with me, of course.

I think your policemen are wonderful.

- I think it was sweet as well, sir.

And why don't you go back to bed.

- Yes.

Yes, perhaps you're right.

Goodbye.

- There's still some food left if you want some.

(funky music)

- on.

Now look what you've done.

(banging)

(doorbell ringing)

Anna.

Karen!

(funky music)

Somebody?

(funky music)

Oh.

(funky music)

Oh, Oh.

Ooh.

(yelling)

Anna?

Karen?

He“) me!

(funky music)

Mayday-

Mayday-

(funky music)

Well really.

(funky music)

- Milk man, would you leave two extra gold top and a pint of cream, please?

- Okay, Nanny.

- Thank you.

Oh, good morning, Mr. Patrick.

Been for a nice early morning drive?

- That's right, Nanny.

That's right.

- Well, you really ought to wrap up more in this weather.

You'll get a nasty chill.

- Morning, Mr. Glover, been out for an early morning drive?

(soft funky music)

- You should have taken more water with you, H. G.

(soft funky music)

- Oh, crisps!

Oh my god, what a mess these kids have made.

Just look at this room, Nanny.

I mean, why is it that the kids can't have a party

without making such an app, Nanny, you look quite strange.

- On.

- I think I'll have breakfast before you tidy up, Nanny.

And let-- What's this?

What sort of a party was it last night, Nanny?

- I don't know, Mr. Patrick.

38 C.

Are either of the girls a 38 C, Nanny?

- No.

- Is it yours?

- No.

It must belong to one of their friends.

- What?

You're quite right.

Dorothy Perkins.

Now look here.

This is not good enough.

It's a 38 C.

What more do you want?

- Chris bought it for a giggle, along with a monkey mask.

- Bit childish, isn't it?

Prancing around in a monkey mask.

- Celia wanted to burn it.

She suddenly decided to join the Women's League.

Good job she didn't burn her own.

It would have been the great fire of London all over again.

- Was everything right for you after the police left?

- Oh yes, fine, fine.

Have you any idea what it is like lying down in the backseat of a motor car?

- Well-- - Don't answer that.

Now look here, I said you could have this party provided you your guests had left 12 o'clock.

- But they have.

It's only 1 now.

- 12 at night.

The trouble is I'm far too soft with you two.

Far too soft, Nanny.

- I'll give it another minute.

- After all I am your father and I am responsible for you.

- You worry too much.

- You think we'll get pregnant if we sit on a warm bus seat.

- Look, and as for you young lady, you're growing up far too fast.

When I was your age, I was two years younger.

Who broke that?

- Richard.

He jumped it with his elbow.

- But it was on top of a bookcase.

- So was Richard.

- God grief.

That young man is the clumsiest boy I've-- You glued my newspaper to the table.

And it's crossword bit too.

Oh, really.

Trouble is I'm not hard enough.

Not hard enough.

- If you say so.

- I do.

- On.

- Anyway, there are gonna be a few changes around this house.

I am going to draw up a list of rules.

' Again?

- Again.

Rule one, there will be no more going to pyjama parties.

- On.

- In my pyjamas.

Rule two, you will not go padding about the upstairs landing with nothing on.

- Why not?

It's all good stuff.

- Very possibly, but the milk man has crashed his cart twice this month.

Thank you, Nanny.

Rule three.

You will keep me informed at all times

where you are going, when you will be with, and who we will be back.

Nanny, this egg is hard boiled.

Oh dear.

- Oh, well, nevermind.

I'll have Corn Flakes.

(doorbell ringing)

Oh, who can that be at this hour of the morning?

Rule four.

- All prisoners attempting to escape will be shot.

- Exactly.

Rule five.

Oh, for goodness sake.

What on earth next?

- Anna wants to leave home.

- What, again?

- Again.

- It's Mr. Phillip.

- Morning, girls.

- Hello, Uncle Phillip.

Another flying visit?

- No, no.

I came by car.

Morning, Patrick.

Hello, my darling.

- Hello.

On my way to New Market.

" [Nanny] Coffee?

- Thank you, Nanny.

- And how much do you want this time?

- That he has no way to speak to your brother, Patrick.

I popped in there on my way to New Market just to have a little quiet chat to my nieces.

You hurt me dreadfully making remarks like that.

- How much?

- 10 quid.

It's an absolute certainty for the 2:30.

I heard it straight from the stable boy's cousin's postmen.

- How can it lose?

Now what's all this about you leaving home?

- I left home years ago.

- Not you, Anna.

- Well I am 18.

I want a little flat of my own.

Spread my wings and be buffeted by the winds of experience.

I want to drink deep from the cup of life,

to grasp it with both hands and fulfil myself as a woman.

- Sounds reasonable enough.

- Do you want that loan or don't you?

- Do as your father says.

- Have you any idea how much it costs to rent a flat these days?

- I'm prepared to pay quite a lot for the right place.

Two, or even three pounds a week if it's self contained.

- Why not go to four and rent Windsor Castle?

- Well if she's got four, she can lend me three.

- You're not taking me seriously.

- No, I'm not (mutters).

Maybe (gibbering).

Bobby Moore?

- Whatever happened to his other leg, Mr. Patrick?

- Thank God it wasn't Lester Picket.

(typing)

- Niarcus naled a curse.

His hand flashed in his pocket and he drew out a pearl handled bun.

Gun.

- Stop writing that dribble, Patrick, and listen to me.

This is an investment.

- And what do you suppose this dribble is?

Hand over the diamonds, he said, or I shall be forced to hoot.

Shoot.

- If this wins, I can pay the fiver I borrowed last week.

- No, Phillip.

- I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll leave you my watch your security.

It's solid gold.

- Phillip, it's not.

- It is.

It's on the pawn ticket.

- No, Phillip.

- Very well.

You leave me no alternative.

Urn Bays is 00273, isn't it?

- Yes.

Who you phoning?

- Mother.

- What for?

- To tell her that you are constipated.

- Oh, Phillip, you wouldn't do that.

You would know very well she'd down here like

a shot with a bottle of that homemade jollop.

- The choice is yours.

1 pounds orjollop.

- Oh, all right.

Take it out of that.

- Thank you.

Hello.

Patrick.

It's for you.

' Who?

- Mother.

- Oh, Phillip, really.

Hello, mother darling.

- Hello, is that you Patrick?

- Yes.

Yes.

I just phoned to say, to say-- - Hello, mother.

(chuckling)

- That was Phillip.

- Oh, very good dear.

It sounded just like him.

Are you eating all your crusts?

- Crusts?

Oh, oh yes, mother, yes I am.

Yes.

- Good.

That's the way to make your hair nice and curly.

- This calls for a large scotch.

- I haven't got any.

- You haven't got any?

You mean you've gone completely bald?

- [Patrick] What?

- Don't worry, dear.

You can always wear a teepee.

- Don't you mean a toupee mother?

A teepee is a wigwam.

- That's the word, wigwam.

You can get them on the national health.

Now what were you ringing me up about, dear?

- Well, I, I just phoned up to,

oh yes, mother, I phoned up to tell you I thought you ought to know.

Phillip is constipated.

- Swine!

- No wines no good.

I'll see he gets the right thing.

- Jollop.

- I'll see you out, Phillip.

- And I hope I lose every penny of your money.

- Goodbye, Phillip.

Oh, you going out?

- Off to look at flats.

- On.

Well you do know you're way to Park Lane, don't you.

- You coming?

- No thanks.

I want a word with Atilla the Hun.

Daddy?

- Uh huh.

- Gosh, your new book is coming along well.

You write so fast, which is amazing considering the high standard you keep up.

- Whatever it is, I can't afford it.

- It's not about money.

- Oh, well, it's nothing to do with me then, is it?

- It's about Richard and me.

Well, you see last night, he finally, he actually, he finally did it.

- What?

- He wants to marry me.

- I should hope so.

- Oh no, that's all he did.

He proposed to me.

- Oh, I see.

Oh, well that's all right then.

No, it isn't.

You're far too young to get married.

- I'm 17, and 3/8.

- [Patrick] You are still too young.

- You've never liked Richard, have you?

Not since the barbecue, when he bit into his hot dog and the sausage shot into your ear.

(chuckling)

- [Patrick] It isn't just that, darling.

- He said he was sorry, but you wouldn't listen.

- Well, I couldn't could I, darling?

Not with a sausage in my ear.

(chuckling)

Now listen, darling,

every young girl of your age wants to get married,

settle down, and build a little home, and have a nice large family.

Honey, there's no harm in thinking that way,

but in a year or two's time, you will realise how wise I was to have made you wait.

- You didn't take me seriously either.

- That's right, darling. (phone ringing)

Hello?

- How's Mr. Nicrcus?

- No one of that name lives here.

- [Georgie] The book, Patrick.

- Oh, is, is that you Georgie?

Oh, the book.

Oh, it's fine.

Fine, yes.

I've just completed a page where the villain hoots the hero with a bun.

- [Georgie] What?

- Well, I can't concentrate lately, Georgie.

- Well, you'll have to concentrate.

The publishers are on to me.

- Well, if it's not one thing, it's the other.

- [Georgie] The other?

- Well, the girls mainly.

I mean, one of them is on about leaving home and the other one wants to get married.

I dunno.

Georgie, if you were a father, what you do?

- Sell my story to the Sunday papers, I expect.

- Will you be serious?

I mean I'm very worried about them.

You see they're at that awkward age.

- You've been saying that since they were four.

- Yes, but since the divorce, it's been getting worse.

I don't know.

I think I need some advice or something.

- Patrick dear, I'm a literary agent, not a psychologist.

I don't understand teenage girls.

And I was one.

- Were you?

- [Georgie] Thank you very much.

Why don't you chat up your local vicar?

- Vicar?

Now, what would a vicar know about a thing like this?

- Oh, they're meant to be very good at sorting out people's problems.

- Georgie, you're not being at all helpful this morning.

It's quite obvious to me that you are not in a very good mood.

Goodbye!

Vicar, humph.

Vicar?

(soft music)

- I'm terribly sorry.

I'm not interrupting you, am I?

I mean you weren't having a quick prayer on anything were you?

- No.

Just a touching up a cherub.

- I beg your pardon?

- I touch them all up occasionally.

- Oh, I see.

- It's the weather, you know.

- Glover, Patrick Glover.

I am.

I am a member of your flock, but I haven't been to church now for several weeks.

- Yeah.

But I do remember you as a choir boy.

- As long ago as that, was it?

I wondered if I might have a word with you?

(mumbles)

- Mind you if it's not convenient.

If it's a bad time.

- About quarter past 12.

- Thank you.

You see, I have a bit of a problem about my daughters.

- People don't take care of their deceased, you know.

Take Mr. Pendergast,

weed all over the grave.

- Did he really?

Now about my daughters.

- Yes.

Birds don't seem to have any respect nowadays.

- Well, that's part of my problem there, eh.

Oh, I see.

I'm afraid this is all rather on the spur of the moment.

I mean, normally I wouldn't come within a thousand miles.

What I mean is I, I have a bit of a problem, vicar.

Priest.

- I'm a father.

- Yes, so am I, and that's my problem.

You see, my daughters, well, well, they, they haven't had a mother for several years.

- I see.

Your wife has gone to a better place.

- Possibly.

It all depends on what you feel about Chelsea.

- Chelsea?

- Yes, she's living there with her husband.

Her other husband.

Her new husband, you see, we're divorced.

- Oh, make yourself comfortable.

Pull up a chair.

- Thank you.

It was all very amicable.

A quite one of the friendliest divorces you've ever known.

- I'm afraid I have not conversed with these matters.

Mister?

- Glover.

Patrick-- - Sit down, Mr. Glover.

You see, none of my dear little flock has strayed from their marital vows.

- Quite, yes.

Well we thought it would be best if the girls lived with me.

- Till death do them, et cetera.

- Until they finished that education actually.

But you see, I've had to be sort of mommy and daddy

to them both and well, my, my time as a writer is being taken up.

- A writer, you say?

- [Patrick] Yes, you see, and the girls have been growing away from me.

- You're not the Patrick Glover by any chance?

- As a matter of fact, I am.

- How interesting.

I've read all your books.

I'm in the middle of one right now.

- Are you really?

- Please, please.

I, I'm a writer myself, you know.

- Really?

- Not in your field, of course.

But I have a little contribution here to hither and yorn.

I would value your opinion on it.

You see, like the side.

- Like the sides of missionary work.

- I do trust I've not adopted to (mumbles).

Not gone too far.

(chuckling)

Not too drowel?

- Oh, no, no, no.

No, it's not funny at all.

- Yeah.

- Now, about my daughters.

- Daughter?

Oh yeah, of course, yes.

How old are they?

- Well Karen is,

and Anna's a little older.

18-ish.

- They do need a mother's guidance.

In the great disco tech of life, they need

the gilded elder of maternal influence.

And of course, the top 10.

- The what?

- Though shall not.

- Ooh, that top 10.

(chuckling)

Yet, I think I see what you're getting at.

- You do?

- Yes.

You think I should get married?

- I'd be the last suggest that.

You might think I was drumming up business.

(chuckling)

- Heaven forbid.

- It does, as a matter of fact if you're high.

- High?

- High church, you know.

- Oh, I see.

- So I can only commend unto you the advice that Zaynab gave to the Malakites.

' Yes?

- Yes.

And one more thing.

' Yes?

- Before you go,

autograph?

- Oh,

may I? - Please.

- Oh, sorry.

Please.

- Oh, I can.

I wasn't quite sure with the.

- High school script.

Thank you.

- Well, I must say you been very helpful.

- Have I?

- I can't think why I didn't think of it myself.

Of course, marry again.

' Again?

- And you know, I think I have just the woman in mind.

I wonder, may I borrow your telephone?

- Mrs. Stoppard.

Gladys.

Would you like a cup of coffee?

- Oh yes, that would be lovely.

- All right.

- It's very civil of you.

There we are.

Keep the place nice.

(coughing)

I'll have four lumps of sugar, please.

And I'll have some of them sweeteners.

They're on my diet.

- Well you help yourself.

I must catch the post.

- Right-o.

Oh, I say.

Custard creams.

I love them.

I only allow myself one a day.

This'll take me up two weeks next Thursday.

(buzzing)

Hello?

- I know it's me, Patrick.

' Who?

- Patrick, Patrick Glover.

How many Patricks do you know?

- Oh, Mr. Patrick Glover.

Well, this is Mr. Stoppard, cleansing operative.

The last time you come here, you tripped over my bucket.

- I'm sorry about that.

Look, I'll come straight to the point.

Well you, you know how I've always felt about you.

Well, I was wondering,

will you marry me, darling?

I realise that this is all a bit sudden.

You will obviously one time to think it over.

So I tell you what, I'll be around in 20 minutes for your answer.

See you then.

Bye.

- On.

Impetuous man.

I thought he'd never even noticed me.

- Gladys!

Are you all right?

- That's why he tripped over my bucket.

He must've been bedazzled.

' Who?

- Mr. Glover.

He's coming round in a minute.

I must go and make myself lovely for him.

(coughing)

- It's ridiculous.

13 pounds a week for a tiny flat.

And they want F and F.

- They certainly do asking that price.

- I've looked at dozens of places and I can't afford any of them.

You don't supposed daddy could be right, do you?

- Certainly not.

And even if he is, you keep looking, kid.

- There's one more to try.

Gotta ring back before 12.

- [Georgie] Patrick.

- Georgie, darling.

Well, I'm here.

So what have you got to say?

Well, I suppose the appropriate thing to say would be hello, Patrick.

- Huh?

- What's this?

- Oh, yes.

(chuckling)

Well, it was a dozen red roses till I came through the revolving door downstairs.

Still.

- You put them in my coffee cup.

- Huh?

Oh, oh, well, it's the thought that counts.

- Isn't it.

(chuckling)

- Well, Georgie?

Are you going to say yes?

- [Georgie] To what?

(chuckling)

- Good ole Georgie, always playing hard to get.

- [Georgie] Good ole Patrick, always playing hard to understand.

- Mr. Glover.

Patrick.

You came.

- Yes.

- I knew you would.

I've been making myself beautiful.

- You have?

- Thinking over the last tender word you spoke to me.

- Bloody bucket.

- I'm very confused.

- So am I.

- Mr. Glover, here.

Before I accept, before I acquiesce,

there is something I think you should know.

- Huh?

- You wouldn't be the first.

- To what?

- Well, I was just a slip of a girl.

And I'll met this GI in the blackout.

I was blinded by a pair of nylons and a banana.

Say it doesn't matter to you.

- It doesn't matter to me.

Look, I've had a very harassing morning and there are one or two things that I want--

- You do you want me, don't you?

- Want you?

- I mean I will do.

" Do?

Oh, I see.

You want to look after me.

- And you me as well.

- Naturally, but.

- You won't find me lacking in anything.

I've cleaned up more messes than you could ever make.

- Really?

- And as for cooking, you never tasted food like what I can cook.

- I'm sure.

- As for the other, well that GI taught me a thing or two, I can tell you.

- Yes, very advanced, the Americans.

But MS.

- Gladys.

- Ms. Gladys, I'm afraid I'm accommodated.

- Oh, that's just middle age, dear.

With a little help from your friend.

- No, no, no, no.

That's what I mean.

I got a little help, but not, not from a friend, from my nanny.

- Your nanny?

She must be getting a bit past it by now, isn't she?

- Oh, no, no.

She's very agile and capable.

- You mean you and I are not together?

- Well not together, no.

I'm usually sitting at my desk working our plots while she does it on her own.

- Doesn't sound very satisfactory to me.

- Oh, it works out all right.

Besides I'm afraid my resources won't stretch to two.

- No, well, not sitting at your desk, no.

(chuckling)

Still I'm determined not to let another woman stand in my way.

You must have wanted me-- - Gladys, I do think you should let Mr. Glover make the decision.

- Yes, yes.

Yes, you're quite right.

Besides, I did want to have a personal and private conversation alone.

- Ah, you come in my cubby hole with me.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

I mean with her.

- Oh, yes.

I see, business before pleasure.

(chuckling)

- The other way around actually.

I'm asking her to marry me.

- You're what?

- You what?

- I said so on the telephone not 20 minutes ago.

- Not to me.

- Well of course it was to you, darling.

- No.

- Well, I mean if it wasn't to you, who the hell else could it have--

Oh dear.

I didn't mean it, I assure you.

- Cast me aside like an old sock, would you?

I'm not good enough for you, eh?

Well let me tell you something, I am not rubbish.

I'll may not be dressed in the height of fashion.

I may not be sought after by the Jetset.

Perhaps I haven't been photographed,

exchanging witty pleasantries with Lord Snowden up Ascott, but I'm not rubbish mate.

It's people like me what of made Britain what it is today!

- Yes, I can well believe that.

- And her, you could take her to your harem with your nanny,

but don't ask me to make up a four.

And you, you can find another old bag to do your cleaning.

(coughing)

- Oh, Mr. Patrick, and how was Ms. Georgie?

- Oh, she was fine, Nanny, fine.

Trouble is she didn't say yes and she didn't say no.

- To what?

- Well, let’s just say that I've just sewn the first seeds to making her a mother.

- You need a cup of tea.

- I need a drink.

- Well, I found one.

- Found what, darling?

- A flat I can afford.

I can move in next Monday.

- Well I hope you're pleased.

One of your daughters is happy.

Daddy seems to be taking it well.

I thought he'd try to stop you.

- He did.

But I talked him round.

- Steady, Richard.

Steady, go easy, go easy.

That's fine.

That's better, good.

Good, good.

- It's all right, sir.

I think you can let go now.

- I already have.

- On.

- It's not much more stuff, Karen.

- Let me, let me.

All right.

Richard.

The van's out here.

- On.

Sorry.

Sorry.

All right.

- Well, your bits and pieces are on the van

and now my little girl is ready to leave home.

- You're not going to cry, are you?

- Oh, no, of course not.

It is quite a moment though, isn't it.

Sit dow, darling.

You know, it's at moments like this when I feel that there's lots of advice that perhaps

I should have given to you over the last 18 years.

Perhaps I can best sum it up by saying-- - [Karen] Don't drop them whatever you do.

- Exactly.

What?

- Glass animals, sir.

- Oh, I see.

Yeah.

Now where was I?

- I think you are all set to warn me against premarital sex

and how without love it is but a hollow sham.

- Yes, yes.

It doesn't seem much point now, does it.

(glass breaking)

- It's all right, sir.

I think some of them are still intact.

I'm not very good as a removal man, but you know, Karen insisted that I, Sorry.

Sorry.

(mumbles)

- Tuesday?

What happened on Tuesday?

- Nothing, daddy.

(soft music)

- Darling, why don't we drive you to this new flat of yours?

- No, no thanks.

I want to get it all fixed first.

- Well, I, I, I don't mind.

- I do.

Yes, but I mean Richard and Karen are helping you.

Why can't I?

- Well they're not fathers.

Just give me a couple of days to settle in.

- Very well, darling.

- On, daddy.

We'll still see each other.

I won't be far away.

- Oh, no, no, no, no.

Of course.

I mean, you're quite right.

This is a happy occasion.

We must've been sad about it.

- I baked a little going away pie.

It's rhubarb.

You always used to like my (sobbing)

- Come along, Nanny, come along now.

Pull yourself together.

- Goodbye, daddy.

- Goodbye, my darling.

Bye darling.

- I'm coming back.

- Oh, yes, yes.

- Don't worry, sir.

I'll see she gets that safely.

- And don't forget, a hollow sham.

Come on, H. G.

(engine rumbling)

Isn't it quiet, Nanny?

- Yes it is.

(engine rumbling)

(soft music)

- Thus with her father space dwealeth this flower.

- I beg your pardon?

- The clark's tale, Nanny, Chaucer.

- Yes, Mr. Patrick.

Now, would you like a nice cup of tea?

- I feel so empty.

- Would you like a slice of cake?

- Food won't help.

- Oh, Mr. Patrick, you mustn't go on like that.

Life has to go on, you know.

- Were you never a father, Nanny?

- No, Mr. Patrick.

- Well there you are.

You see you don't feel things the way I do.

The song has ended but the melody lingers on.

Where is that sound of music?

- It's at the Otean this week.

- Yeah.

No, I meant about the house, Nanny.

The laughter, the chatter, the gaiety, it's all gone.

It's a times like this when I feel old age and loneliness creeping over.

- She's only been gone three minutes.

(soft music)

(engine rumbling)

- I'll go on up.

- Right.

- All right. - Careful.

Over there.

- [Karen] How are we gonna get this box?

(mumbles)

- On the floor, on the floor.

Right.

NOW which flat is it?

- It's up here, Richard.

In here, Richard.

- Why couldn't you get a flat on the ground?

- Well don't stand there.

Put it down somewhere.

- Oh, Richard.

You are a clumsy twit.

- Yes, I am.

Well, I must say this flat, you know, it certainly.

I'll go get the other stuff.

- Well, what do you think?

- Hmm.

I can understand why you didn't want daddy to see it.

What's in there?

- That's the kitchen.

- Kitchen!

- And that's the dining room.

- Oh, blimey.

- Well, it's all I could afford.

You won't know this place when I finish with it.

All it needs is-- - [Karen] Demolition?

- Don't be funny.

(pipes rattling)

- Blimey, what's that?

- It's the downstairs loo.

- Great.

If someone in the house gets the trots, you get insomnia.

- I don't care.

It may not be Windsor castle, but at least it's a place of my own.

(door buzzing)

" [Man] Yes?

- [Richard] Sorry, what?

- You rang my doorbell.

- Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

It must've been my chest.

You know, not my chest, my, my, my girlfriend's sister's chest.

- I'll give you a hand.

- Oh, thanks very much.

It's on the top floor.

- On.

All right.

- Thank you.

- But you told daddy you'd found a luxury flat.

- Well, you know what he's like.

It was only a white lie.

- And that is the worst kind.

- Now this is the gentleman from the ground floor flat.

This is Anna.

- I'm Larry, the token black tenant.

- Hi, this is Karen and Richard.

They're helping me move in.

- This whole room, just for you?

Man, you could get 12 of my kind in here, you know.

- I must say, you've certainly got a sense of humour.

- What's the landlord like?

- I don't know.

When him come in, I just limbo to slide under the wardrobe.

- Don't listen to him, he couldn't limbo under the marble arch.

- Hi, I'm Anna.

I'm just moving in.

- I'm Maggie.

Has he been doing his chocolate coloured goon act again?

- Something like that.

- Ignore it.

We live downstairs.

When you've unpacked, come and have a coffee.

- Thanks.

We will.

- Come on you, your watermelons getting cold.

- Well, hush my mouth.

- Pierre LeBlanc examined the gun.

He scratched his nose, wiped it carefully, and put it in his pocket.

- [Nanny] Elevenses.

- Ah, thank you, Nanny.

- How's the writing coming?

- Oh, it's dreadful, Nanny, dreadful.

These last couple of days, I've had nothing but peace and quiet.

I can't stand it.

(doorbell ringing)

Noise, bliss, bliss.

He's thoughts now torn to Fifi, the belly dancer.

He wondered if she would come across.

She usually did.

LeBlanc now realised that he was alone in the room.

He glanced towards the door.

Slowly, the door handle began to turn.

LeBlanc froze.

Then a flash, the door swung open and there stood-- - Mr. Phillip.

- Hello Patrick!

What did I say?

53 to one and it romped home.

- Without a jockey, it doesn't count.

- Well then, fortunately not.

However it's still not too late to recoup your losses.

- My losses?

- Our losses.

- Your losses.

- All right, well let's not pool about words.

Sorry.

It's three o'clock at Trepsdale.

Auntie Mae.

Auntie Mae.

If that's not a good omen, I don't know what is.

- We don't happen to have an Auntie Mae.

- That is a defeatist attitude, Patrick.

- I'm just slipping round to Anna's, daddy.

Oh, hello, uncle Phillip.

- [Phillip] Hello niece.

- She forgot to take Che Guevara.

- I can't keep up with these pop singers.

- Look, when am I gonna be allowed to see Anna's flat.

- Oh, give her a chance, daddy.

She's decorating like a mad thing.

And as soon as she's finished, she's going to ask you out to dinner.

Bye.

- Bye.

- All right, but you know your mother's not going to like this when she hears about it.

- So Anna's left home, has she?

- Yes.

- And Barbara doesn't know.

- No.

- Hmm.

Shall we say 1 quid?

- Five.

- Thank you.

- [Karen] As soon as you've done this bit, I'll put this up.

- This is ridiculous.

It'll never work.

- Oh, it was worth the try.

The place is beginning to look a bit better.

- Do you really think so?

- No, I lied.

Have you seen anything of your downstairs neighbours?

- I was down there yesterday for coffee.

They got a super flat, fitted carpets, modern furniture.

They even bought their dry rock from the Harrods, not like this dump.

- Aren't you happy here?

Do you think you made a mistake?

Shall I tell daddy?

- No, I'm not.

Yes, I did.

And in answer to your third question, I'll tell daddy when I'm ready.

You staying for lunch?

It's sausages and beans.

- In a white wash sauce?

No thanks.

- The bloated body of Niarcus drifted upside down and-- Now pay attention, H. G.

Don't let your mind wander.

In the slime of the canal, a raft swam past and nibbled at his-- (phone ringing)

Hello?

- Have you ever thought of rubbing your head with a boiled beetroot?

- Hello mother.

No, I haven't.

Is there any reason why I should?

- It's an old country remedy.

You didn't you lost all your hair when I talked to you on the telephone.

- Mother, you've got hold of the wrong end of it.

- Have I?

Oh.

Hello?

Patrick?

- Hello, mother.

Mother?

- It's no use, I can't hear you that way.

- Look, darling, I've got a full head of hair.

I can see it across the room.

- Oh good.

Then you did buy a wigwam.

- Yes, that's right mother.

(doorbell ringing)

Oh, look mother darling, the front door bell is ringing.

- I'd better go an answer it.

- No, no.

No mother.

Mother look.

(doorbell ringing)

It's all right, Nanny, I'll get it.

It'll be Karen.

All right you, inside.

Barbara, hello. - Hello, Patrick.

- LS Bill with you?

- No, he's not.

- Aren't you going to invite me in?

- Oh yes, yes of course.

Yes, please do, yeah.

I thought you two were in Nice.

- No, no, Paris.

- On your card, you said it was Nice.

- I said it was nice.

(laughs)

- We came back on Tuesday.

- I'll take your suitcase.

I thought you meant Nice.

Suitcase, what are you doing with a suitcase?

- Well, I thought you might put me up for a day or two.

- What?

- You see, I've left Bill.

- [Patrick] What, again?

- As a husband, he's almost as bad as you were.

- Oh, Ms. Barbara. - Oh, Nanny.

- I mean Mrs. Mossman.

- Hello.

- Just a minute.

Just a minute!

What do you mean left him?

- Nanny, I would love a cup of coffee.

- Of course.

Oh, isn't this a surprise, Mr. Patrick.

- Yes, isn't it.

I repeat, what do you mean left him?

- We had a blazing row.

He broke your wedding present to us.

- The Armalou clock?

But how?

- He dunked when I threw it at him.

Hello, H. G.

- Nevermind the retched dog.

- But anyway, one thing led to another, so I walked out.

- For good?

- Well, that depends on him, doesn't it?

I mean if he wants to come crawling back, that's new.

- But you left him.

- Don't confuse the issue.

- Who gave you that?

' My agent.

- George.

- Georgie.

- Oh, yes of course.

She's a woman, isn't she.

I always forget.

Yes, lovely girl in the right light.

- Now look here, Barbara.

Does Bill know that you're here?

- No.

- Well then how can he come crawling back?

- Love will find a way.

- Oh my god.

This is the third time you've left Bill.

The first time you went to your mother, the second time you went to his mother,

I appreciate you've run out of mothers, but why me?

- My children are here.

- [Patrick] Oh, for heaven's sake.

- Besides, I didn't think you'd mind just for a day or two.

Just to teach Bill a lesson.

- Goodness.

- After all, it was your wedding present that started it all.

- I know, I know.

- Mommy, what a super surprise.

- Hello darling.

- Daddy didn't say you were coming.

- Daddy didn't know.

- There we are.

There, shall I take your suitcase upstairs?

You are staying?

- Well.

- Oh, all right.

- You can have Anna's room now she's got her own flat.

- She's got what?

- Oh, she's got a flat of her own, on her own.

She moved in on Monday.

- Patrick is that wise?

I mean she's only 18.

What sort of a flat is it?

- Well I mean it's a, it's a, it's a, how would you describe it, Karen?

- Well it's a sort of (muttering).

- You haven't even seen it.

- No.

Coffee?

- I think it's your sister.

Karen, is it?

- Yes.

- She sounds a bit excited.

- I hope you didn't mind me giving her your number.

But you said I could.

- No, that's okay.

Look, I go to catch the shops before they shut.

Shut the door when you finished.

. Okay-

Hello?

- Hello, it's me.

Listen, you've got troubles.

Daddy's on his way round to look at your flat.

- Oh no.

- Yes, mommy insisted.

She really had a go at him.

" [Anna] Mommy?

What's she doing there?

- She's left uncle Bill again.

And she's staying here for a few days.

- But I can't let him see my flat.

He'll only say I told you so.

All right.

Well thanks for telling me.

Well I'll just have to,

to buy some somewhere else.

- Hello, darling.

- Hello daddy.

- For you.

- Oh, flowers.

- Karen told me we lived on the fourth floor.

- Yes, well you see-- - I say, this is nice.

This is very nice.

- Yes it is.

- Yes, you have done well for yourself.

- What?

- Yes, and your own telephone too.

I must make a note of the number before I go.

You don't mind me looking around do you?

- Liberty Hall.

Now then, what's in here, eh?

- The kitchen.

- The bathroom.

This must be the kitchen then.

- Possibly.

- Possibly?

- Possibly you'd like a drink.

- Drink?

You mean you've got drink in your flat?

- Not exactly what you call drink.

Just something for the odd visitor.

- Odd?

What's odd about your visitors?

- Nothing daddy.

It's in the kitchen.

- Well, I must say darling, you really, no wait a minute.

That's the bathroom.

(chuckling)

You don't know your way around your own flat.

- No.

But I'm learning very fast, daddy.

- Yes.

(chuckling)

Well, I must say darling, this really.

Oh, I see you've thrown out your little chest.

- What?

- Your painted chest, darling.

- Oh that.

Yes.

The drink.

- Oh, don't worry about that, dear.

Here, here.

Dearie dear.

Well, you know darling, it is not the same at home without you, not the same at all, no.

We all miss you very much.

I: I brought you a little present.

Something I thought you might like.

- Oh, it,

I'll put it there.

- It's one of my favourites.

- It's one of mine too, daddy.

The eyes seem to follow you all round the room.

- Yes.

Oh, darling, I am so pleased for you.

And here was I all prepared to say, that are two beds.

- Where?

- There.

- Oh, yes.

There are two beds.

- One there and one there.

- Well, there is an explanation.

It's perfectly simple.

I share it.

- Share what?

- The flat.

- On.

- I couldn't possibly afford a place like this on my own.

And so this friend and I, we'd go halves.

- I see.

You share.

Oh well.

That's all right then.

My word, your mother will be pleased.

- I'm absolutely furious.

I don't care how nice the flat is.

She's not old enough to live on her own.

- She's not on her own.

She's sharing it.

All young girls do that these days.

- I'm not talking about young girls.

I'm talking about our daughter.

- Well she's only 18.

- Exactly and living in a flat.

I mean, anything could happen to her.

- Oh, not to her.

- What do you mean not to her?

She's a very attractive girl.

- No.

What I mean is, well I had a long talk with her about sex when she was 13.

(doorbell ringing)

- Really? - Yes.

- I learned a lot of things I never knew.

- They I can believe.

(doorbell ringing)

Who on earth is that?

- It can only be Karen's boyfriend.

- I'll get it.

It'll be Richard.

- Now look, Barbara.

- I'm terribly sorry.

I'm afraid I've jammed the doorbell again.

- It only does that when you come.

- Karen, look, Karen, I've been thinking.

Perhaps this is not a good moment to speak to your father.

- Why not?

- I've just run over his lawn sprinkler.

- What's he like then?

- Richard?

Or he means well, at least I hope he does.

- Oh, Mr. Patrick.

Dinner will be ready in five minutes.

- [Patrick] Thank you, Nanny.

- It's just like old times having both of you here together again.

- Go on.

Daddy, Richard's got something to say to you.

- On.

- Yes.

I'd like a word with you, sir.

Good evening, miss.

- Good evening.

- I'd like, I'd like a word with you, sir.

Man to man.

- Barbara?

- Of course.

I'll go and help Nanny with the dinner.

- Yes, it's about Karen, sir.

Your daughter.

- I do know who Karen is, Richard.

- Good, good.

Yes, well it's about me and, cigarette sir?

- No, thank you very much.

- Here we go.

I've got a light here somewhere.

- Rich, Richard, Richard, you you've got my finger.

- Sorry-

Sorry.

- Thank you.

- All right.

I'm so sorry.

Just a little wheel.

There we are.

All right.

You see-- - No, Richard.

- Sorry, 50"'!-

Oh, I'm sorry.

- I didn't really want one actually.

Thank you.

- Well, you see sir, you know, we've, we've been going out for some time,

and well, she thought, well I thought.

Well, in fact that is, we both thought.

- You're far too young.

- I haven't finished yet, sir.

Get engaged.

Yes, we both thought we'd get engaged.

Now you can say it sir.

- My dear Richard.

Cigarette, sir, here.

- No, no, no, no.

We've tried that Richard.

Now why do you want to get engaged?

- Well, it's a way of getting to know each other, sir, better.

I mean, you wouldn't buy a motorbike without first riding round the block first.

- Well I fail to see the connection, unless of course you're planning to ride my daughter

around the block.

- No, sir.

- Why don't you sit down, Richard.

- I have, I realise I'm not making a very good.

- Oh. - Sorry.

Sorry.

I'm terribly sorry.

(glass breaking)

Sorry.

It's all right, it's only the head.

And I've broke it before.

Sorry.

Yes.

Well, perhaps another time sir, when you're, when you're not so angry.

I'll raise the matter again.

- Richard, the door opens inwards.

- Sorry-

Goodbye sir.

I think that's yours, I believe.

- Well?

- He's thinking about it.

- Oh brother.

- Mr. Patrick.

There we are.

- Candles?

Have the lights fused or something?

- I just thought it had been nicer without.

You always used to dine by candle light when you were, when you were together.

Now if you just sit there, Ms. Barbara.

- Thank you, Nanny.

- And you here, Mr. Patrick.

There.

Everything's ready.

The wine is chilled.

Karen's gone out, so you won't be disturbed.

(soft music)

(laughs)

- The bloody woman's matchmaking.

- And she hasn't missed a trick.

Oysters.

She even made me change.

- I suppose I'm expected to give you that.

- I never knew you cared.

- If she thinks we're falling for anything as blatant as this.

- It's ridiculous.

Still, I wish Bill could see me now.

This really would make him jealous.

- Don't say things like that.

You know what a violent temper he's got.

- He'd probably murder you.

- Exactly.

I mean what's he going to think if he discovers you're here?

- We'll he'd have to be pretty nasty minded to think anything.

- Ah, good.

- Yes, mind you, Bill is pretty nasty minded.

- All the same, I don't like it.

I mean I don't want to break up his marriage.

- Why not, he broke up yours.

- Yes, that's very true.

I'm sure he's got no reason to be jealous.

- Bill doesn't need a reason.

If he had his way, I'd wear a chastity belt to open the door to the milkman.

- All the same, I think.

Oh, I see, look at that.

Cupo de Grappa.

- Oh, do you remember when we first had that?

- Yes.

Is was at that tiny bistro just beside the venue.

- And that little man playing his accordion.

- You could see the moon shining through the jasmine on the trellis.

- The air was full of the scent of flowers.

- I picked you a wild rose on the way home.

You remember?

- You pricked yourself and got blood poisoning.

- Three weeks in a Spanish hospital.

I never did like that wine.

- Neither did I.

- I'll get some Chablis.

(soft music)

- Hello, Nanny.

- Oh, Mr. Mossman.

- [Bill] Where's Patrick?

I must see Patrick.

- Corkscrew!

- [Bill] Ah, there he is.

- Hello, Bill.

- Hello, Patrick.

- Hello, Nanny.

- Hello, Mr. Patrick.

- That'll be all, Nanny.

- She's left me.

- Who, Nanny?

- What?

No, no, Barbara.

- Barbara?

Barbara who?

Oh, Barbara left you.

- She walked out, this morning.

If it's another man, I'll-- - I'm sure you will.

You don't know where she is then?

- No.

- Good, I'll see you out.

- But I want to talk to you, Patrick.

- What?

I'll tell you what, let's go upstairs.

- But why?

- Be quiet.

- I see.

- We won't be overheard.

Here, come in Bill.

Come in.

Why don't you sit down, eh?

- Oh, thank you, Patrick.

- Glasses, glasses.

- Oh, here we are, Patrick.

- Oh no.

For the wine, old boy.

(chuckling)

- Oh, silly me.

- You see.

There.

There we are.

Now then you,

you said, you said you wanted to talk to me, did you?

- I did?

- Hmm.

- What about?

- Well, I don't know.

- Oh yes.

I remember.

I thought, I thought you and I might go out tonight.

- To look for Barbara, eh?

- Barbara?

Oh no, let her stew for a bit.

Oh.

(m uttering)

Now I thought you and I might go out tonight,

you know, pick up a couple of bits of stuff.

- Well, that's hardly the way for a married man to behave, you know.

- But you're not married.

- No, but you are.

I mean think of Barbara, our wife.

Your wife.

- Barbara.

Oh, lovely woman.

She's left me, you know.

Woke up this morning.

Probably gone off with another man.

- Oh, come, come, come, come, come.

- If I get ahold of him, I'll ring his bloody neck.

- He could be quite a nice fellow, you know.

- We'll I ring her bloody neck.

- Barbara wouldn't do a thing like that.

And I mean she's a one man woman.

Always was.

- How do you mean?

- Well I mean she's a one man woman to me.

And now she's a one man woman to you.

- That's two men.

- Yes, but only one at a time.

- Oh, yes, I see what you mean.

Patrick, Patrick.

There's a barmaid at the Jack and Tuppence.

- No, no.

(interposing voices speaking)

Bill, Bill, look listen.

(laughs)

- What are we whispering for?

- You see, it isn't convenient.

- Not convenient?

- I've got an appointment, you see.

- You mean got a bit of eh?

- Yes.

(laughs)

- What's she like?

- She's very like, you'd like her.

- Let's have a peak.

- No, no, no, no.

She hasn't got any, I mean she's all.

(laughs)

- Devil.

How about Friday, eh?

That's my usual night.

- Well if it's convenient, I'll let you know.

(mumbles)

(laughs)

- What'd you win this for, eh?

Wrestling?

(laughs)

- Did I hear Bill's voice?

- You did.

- Yes, it was the yippee that gave him away.

Did he know I was here?

- No, he didn't.

And I didn't tell him, not in the mood he was in.

- He was upset.

- Well, let me put it this way.

I, I very much doubt if he'll sleep a wink tonight.

Barbara?

No, Barbara, don't.

Barbara, remember Bill.

Remember Georgie, Barbara.

Barbara, dear.

Ah.

H. G., really.

Oh,

I told you eat your bones in the garden.

K - on! mg)

- Oh dear.

- I told H. G. not to eat his bones in the garden.

♪ Early one morning ♪

♪ Just as the sun was rising ♪

- Good morning.

- Morning.

Sleep well?

- So so.

I didn't like the mattress in Anna's room very much.

What was that?

- Oh, Barbara.

- Mascutint.

The hair colorizer for the he-man.

Doesn't seem to be working.

- I've only just started drinking it.

Do you mind?

What was wrong with the mattress anyway?

- Too hard.

- Ah, I thought you liked a hard mattress.

Always used to tell-- (gargling)

Oh my god, I'd forgotten about that gargle.

- I used to like the mattress in or old room.

It was nice and soft.

- Yes.

I happen to be sleeping in that one.

We could hardly share, could we?

- I don't see why not.

Wouldn't be the first time we'd slept in a bed without any hanky panky.

- Very possibly.

But you might have gained a certain novelty appeal since those days.

- [Barbara] How do you mean?

- I mean a man doesn't want beans for every meal.

But when he hasn't had them for seven years.

- Beans?

- Well he may have had beans, but not that particular variety.

I've put, oh my god, what the hell?

Eau de Madam Bovary?

- It's mine.

Patrick, I've been thinking.

This girl that Anna's sharing her flat with?

- [Patrick] Yeah?

- What's she like?

- I don't know.

- Well you should.

- [Patrick] Should I?

- Yes, so should I.

- [Patrick] Should you?

- I may have been just a little bit unreasonable.

- Oh, surely not, Barbara.

- No, no, no, no, I was.

Now I think you ought to ask them both to dinner and then we can see what she's like.

- That's actually a good idea.

I'll give her a ring after breakfast.

After all, you amaze me, you know, Barbara.

Sometimes your good ideas.

What are you doing?

- I'm not going to get in the bath with my clothes on.

- You can't take your clothes off with me in here.

- But I haven't got anything you haven't seen before.

- Yes, but it's not mine anymore, is it?

No, (mumbles), Barbara.

I mean supposing Bill would.

No, I don't like it.

I don't like that at all.

I think the whole thing, and I think you'd better lock this door behind me too.

- Are you all right, daddy?

- Yes, thank you.

- Oh, good job your readers can't see you now.

The image is taken a bit of a knocking.

- Well really.

- But you must know who it is.

Look at it.

To my own little darling.

- For the 10th time, I've never seen it before.

It's not mine.

- I hope you're not suggesting it's mine.

Look, when I came in, it was standing there.

The eyes following me around the room.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

- Oh, hello darling, it's me.

- I beg your pardon?

- Yeah, I was wondering if?

Oh, so sorry.

I think I must have the wrong number.

I wanted 436-2375.

- That's right, this is it.

- It is?

23 Belsize Park Avenue.

Ground floor flat.

- Yes.

Who are you?

- Well, nevermind about me.

Who are you?

What are you doing there?

- Look, I live here, man.

- What?

- What do you want?

Hello?

- Is something the matter, Mr. Patrick?

- There certainly is, Nanny. Anna's flatmate, it's a man.

- Oh, I can't believe it.

Perhaps it was a girl with a deep masculine voice.

- No, no, no, it wasn't, Nanny. I wouldn't have minded that.

Yes I would.

Nanny, I've got to do something about this.

- A man rings up, right number, right address.

Says "hello darling, it's me".

As soon as I answer the phone, he rings off.

I'm not a fool, you know.

- I've told you a dozen times, I don't know.

- Was it him?

Was it?

- How should I know who it was..

You answered the phone.

- What does he got that I haven't got?

- Oh, get back to your wood pile.

- Don't change the subject.

- You are impossible.

You can believe what you like.

I'm going to have a bath.

- Look, why is it every time we have an argument, you have to have a bath?

(doorbell buzzing)

Yes?

- Oh, good morning.

Are you the caretaker or do you just work here?

- Neither.

- I wonder if I could come in for a moment, please.

- Wait a minute.

It's you?

- Yes, that's right.

It's quite a good one of me, but I, I have had better ones taken though.

I wonder if you'd be good enough to call the owner.

I have a few words to say to him.

- I am the owner.

- You live here?

- Yes.

- It was you one the telephone.

- Yes.

- Well that puts a different colour on the whole affair.

Where is she?

- Having a bath if it's any of your business.

- It is.

I've come to take her away.

- Have you?

How would you like a fat lip?

- Now look here, young man.

I don't know how they behave where you come from.

- Hammersmith, same as here.

- Don't prevaricate.

She's coming back to live with me.

- Coming back and live with you?

You dirty old man.

- I beg your pardon?

- You're old enough to be her father.

- I am her father.

- You're her father?

- Yes.

- That means she's your daughter.

- I congratulate you on your powers of deduction.

- HG'!-

I didn't know you had a touch of the white wash brush.

Oh, I'm sorry please.

We haven't really met.

I'm Larry.

- How'd you do?

I'm Patrick.

Now will you please stick to the point.

- Well forgive me.

But you must admit you don't look like a banana loader.

- Is there any reason why I should?

- I suppose not.

- Then why mention it?

The point is you are living here in this flat with my daughter and it's got to stop.

- Why?

- Because it is wrong.

- But we're married.

- That is the most feeble ex.

Married?

- Yes, you know, Vicar, confetti, organ, dum dum dee dum.

- Yes, I do know the ritual.

- You couldn't come because you're in jail in Jamaica.

- She told you that?

- Yes, rum smuggling or something.

- My god.

Come out of there, young lady.

You've got some explaining to do.

- Oh, please.

We've got to get to know each other, haven't we, dad?

" Dad?

Oh my god.

Come out of there at once.

Do you hear me?

Now look here, a good smack on your bottom will do-- Why, I do beg your pardon.

Is there someone else in there with you?

- No.

Wait a minute, you're the man in the photograph.

- Yes, yes.

- Well, aren't you pleased to see him?

- Pleased to see him?

What have you been telling him?

- Nothing.

- You said she was your daughter.

- She's not my daughter.

- And he's not my father.

- [Larry] Are you sure?

- Well I should know.

- She should know.

- He's twice my father's age.

- Exactly.

- I beg you're pardon?

- And look at the colour of him.

- How dare you.

- You dirty old man.

- No, look, you've got the wrong end of the stick.

I just wanted a woman.

- What? - No, no, no.

I thought that'd be a girl here who could help me.

- Oh no, no, no.

You've got it all wrong.

You see, I, I just made a simple mistake.

It often happens.

- Daddy.

I think there's something you should know.

- There you are, you see.

Wrong flat.

Could I have my photograph back?

(birds chirping)

- So much for your bring fling of independence.

- Belt up.

- Yeah, that's enough.

- Sorry-

- That's enough.

Help take these things indoors.

And as for you young lady.

- Oh, daddy, it's great to be home.

- What?

- I didn't like white washed sausages anyway.

- On.

I still think he ought to have given me my photograph back.

Well, she's home for good now, Nanny.

What a day I've had.

- You've got a visitor.

- On.

- Hello, Patrick.

- Bill, good grief.

Hello.

Where's?

- Out shopping-

- Nanny's just going out shopping.

Well, well, well, did you have a good time last night?

- Yes, did you?

- Lovely, lovely.

- Was she?

(laughs)

Well done, ole chap.

Anyhow, I got to talking to this barmaid and the Jack and Tuppence.

Just over 40, I should think.

- 40!

- If she was an inch.

Yeah. - Oh.

- The thing is, there were two of them.

- Well, there would be, wouldn't there.

I mean one either side.

- No, no, no, no, two women.

She's got a friend now, Patrick, I thought you and I tonight, might make up a foursome, eh?

- I do really think you ought to give the girls.

Oh, it's you.

- Barbara!

- Yes, it's Barbara.

Barbara is Barbara.

She was just passing.

- Well, what have you got to say for yourself?

- He's been saying how much he misses you.

- Has he?

- Yes, and Barbara misses you too, Bill.

She said to her last night.

- Last night? - Yes.

- So she was your appointment.

- Yes.

- With nothing on.

- Oh, no, no.

- Are you trying to tell me that you slept with Barbara last night?

- Yes, I mean no.

- You mean she was here, but you didn't sleep?

- Yes.

No, I mean no.

Bill, you wouldn't hit a man who can't find his glasses?

- Don't be silly, you two.

- Nothing, absolutely nothing happened.

- I don't believe it.

Barbara is a highly desirable woman whom I happen to love.

- Oh, Bill.

- Shut up.

And you tell me that nothing happened.

- No, Bill, I should warn you I'm not afraid to scream.

Will you stop chasing me around?

Now look here, now look here I don't want to come between you two.

I mean I think you're ideally suited.

I know that you're, I know that you both got your faults.

- And what exactly do you mean by that?

- What do you mean by that?

- Well, about Barbara, she's untidy and extravagant.

Bill, he's got a violent temper and the morals of and alley cat.

- How dare you criticise my husband like that.

He may be a lecherous good for nothing, but he means well.

- Thank you, dear.

And what do you mean Barbara is an untidy slut, so what?

- Yes.

- It's no concern of yours.

- None at all.

- You keep your nose out of our affairs.

- I quite agree.

Come and help me pack.

- And you mind your own damn business.

- I quite agree.

- Well, I'm glad I managed to sort that out, Nanny.

Ah, well.

You know, these last two days have reminded me of what life is like.

And now I see what it's like, I thank God I'm single.

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

- Patrick.

I've come to a decision.

- You have?

- [Georgie] I've decided I will marry you.

- Your will?

- Well, that's what you want, isn't it?

- Yes.

- Mind you, you have advantage over me.

- Have I?

- [Georgie] You know what married life is like.

- Thanks for keeping my bed warm, mommy.

- My pleasure, darling.

- Anybody doing anything on the 24th?

- [Barbara] Why?

- Oh, nothing.

I'm getting married, that's all.

" [Group] Married!

- Sorry-

- Richard.

- 24th?

- I think you'll find it's next Saturday.

- Yes, I might just be to after Mr. Robinson and Ms. Peeles.

- The happiest day of their lives too.

- Not all together.

I'm burying them.

Sorry, you want me to marry you?

To him?

(laughs)

- You see, we were wondering whether the divorce would present any problems.

- Let's get you married first.

- No, no.

I was married to another woman.

You remember?

- Oh yeah.

Tricky, tricky.

The powers that be do not approve of divorced people being remarried in church.

- On.

- Well, it'll have to be a registry office then.

- Sorry-

I did once write a sermon on this very subject.

Perhaps as a writer, you'd like to see it?

- Oh, well it's hardly my field actually.

But actually Ms. Thompson here might be interested.

She's a literary agent.

- A literary agent!

I should explain that it is up to the bishop to approve of a divorcee remarried in church.

But our bishop is very accommodating.

Now I have inside some collected sermons of mine which should make a best seller.

The God Father's done very well, so it shows religion is on the up and up.

Now I have (mumbles) them separately.

One has (mumbles).

- It's going to be a very quiet, small wedding, Nanny.

Very small.

In fact, I doubt I shall even be there myself.

- Oh, Mr. Patrick.

- Well, I mean 11 o'clock in the morning, the whole ceremony will be drowned by the dawn chorus.

I'm not surprised half the guest said they could only come to the reception.

However let's see Mother, she'll be in the church and so will Bill and Barbara.

Phillip, oh, he won't be there.

- Oh dear.

- Uncle, oh Georgie's uncle Author, he'll be there.

Yes, he's giving her away.

- Oh, that's a lovely ring.

- Yes, it is nice, isn't it, Nanny?

Georgie chose it herself, of course.

She's got a very small, oh hell, I've got it stuck.

- I think I'll wear these for the wedding tomorrow.

- That'd be lovely, darling.

Nanny.

- Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Patrick.

I'll get some butter.

- It's all very exciting.

I wasn't at your first wedding.

- Of course you weren't.

You weren't even born, darling.

Were you?

No, no, no, no, of course you weren't.

- Daddy.

That dock next door has got a (mumbles).

- Karen, now I'm glad your here.

Look, I want a word with you two girls.

Will you sit down?

Now look, when Georgie comes to live here, I want you to look upon her as your mother.

- We've already got a mother.

- Well, you can have another one living in.

- Here we are. - Thank you, Nanny.

- It's unsalted.

- Oh, good Nanny.

I'm glad about that.

That'll make all the difference in the world.

- Well I think the whole thing's unfair.

If you're not too old to get married and I'm not too young.

- Karen.

Nanny that hurts.

- I'm 17 and Richard's 22.

So together that makes us nearly 40, as old as you.

- Flattery will get you nowhere.

Butter fingers.

(laughs)

Butter fingers.

- I'll be a shrivelled old spinster, and you'll be plunging in for the second time.

- Plunging in?

You don't imagine I want to get married again, do you?

I'm only doing it for your sakes.

" Us? " Us?

- Yes us, yous.

You.

- I see, so you don't love Georgie.

You never have.

- Oh yes, I have.

- I'll put the kettle on.

- I'm very fond of Georgie.

I always have been.

She's a brick.

- You can't marry a brick.

Poor Georgie.

You're just using her.

It, it's immoral.

- Now Karen.

- Well, I don't approve.

- Oh, I see.

So you don't approve, young lady.

Well, that's very interesting, isn't it?

Yes, very interesting.

And what exactly do you intend to do about it?

I got it stuck again.

Nanny, more butter.

(soft music)

- Karen?

Karen?

- Richard.

Not that room.

It's daddy's.

(soft music)

Richard, be quiet.

Be quick.

(soft music)

- Why couldn't you have walked out the front door like everybody else?

- Oh, don't be so unromantic.

Careful.

(soft music)

Be careful, careful.

Don't look down.

Couldn't you have climbed out the ground floor window?

- [Karen] Oh, stop moaning.

Do you love me or don't you?

- [Richard] Of course I do.

- [Karen] Well show it then.

- [Richard] I'm halfway up a ladder.

Karen, Karen.

I can't see.

- Oh, be quiet.

(yelping)

Oh, Richard.

Do be quiet.

(soft music)

Oh, not now.

- You're right.

Well, Gretna Green, here we come.

(engine stalling)

Must be the clutch or something.

Open up the bonnet.

Try it now.

(engine stalling)

(clock ticking)

Try it now.

- Huh?

- Try it now.

(engine stalling)

Turn it off, turn it off.

- What are you doing down there?

- On.

I'm, the car won't start, sir.

Good morning.

- Just a minute, I'm coming down.

- He said he's coming down.

- Get rid of the ladder.

Not that side.

Daddy'll see it.

(groaning)

- Get down.

- Do you know what time is?

- 1 To seven, sir.

AM.

- Thank you very much, Richard.

May I ask what are you doing here at 1 to 7:00 AM?

- Well, you know, I was passing by and I thought I'd pop in to see, to see Karen.

And I realised it's far too early

so I'll go.

- That's the first sensible thing I've heard you say.

- Thank you very much, sir. - Don't mention it.

- But the engine won't start, sir.

' Hmm?

Well, no wonder.

The high-tension lead from the distributors come adrift at the coil.

- Right.

- Here, look, that should be there like that.

Now, now try it now.

- Thank you very much, sir.

Sorry.

That's fantastic.

That's fantastic, sir.

You're a mechanical genius, sir.

- Look, next time you're passing, try and make it a little later will you?

- Yes sir, thank you sir.

- Here.

(glass breaking)

Morning, milkman.

Got another run up the ladder?

(laughs)

Nanny?

Nanny, cufflinks, where are my cufflinks?

- They're in your cuffs, Mr. Patrick.

- What a damn silly place to put cufflinks.

- Hello, dear.

- Oh, mother, darling.

Oh, so you got the train all right, did you?

- Yes dear, but I shall have to complaint to the railway company.

- Really, why?

- I booked a seat facing the engine and when I got to the station there wasn't one.

- No seat?

- No engine.

- On.

Nanny, would you go and chase Karen up?

If I know anything about her, she's probably still in bed.

- Yes.

- Hello granny.

- Oh my darling.

- I don't know what you were so worried about, Patrick.

It looks very nice.

- Oh, what does, mother?

- Your teepee.

- Yes.

See who that is, will you darling?

Well.

- [Anna] I'll get it, nan.

- You'd better put this with the other presents, dear.

It's a family heirloom.

- Mother, you shouldn't have.

What is it?

(cuckoo clock cuckooing)

Don't bother, I think I can guess.

Oh, you know Bill and Barbara, of course.

- Hello.

- I'm so glad you could make it.

- Oh, I didn't make it.

It's a family heirloom.

- The, the. - Oh.

- I'll go and put it with the others.

- I'm afraid the minute hand is rather fast.

But it doesn't matter because the hour hand is rather slow.

- Well, that's a bit of luck.

- Patrick, I do hope this outfit's all right.

I mean I was sure that Georgie wouldn't be wearing white.

- Barbara.

- [Anna] I think you look super, mommy.

- Thank you, darling.

- Let me have the ring, after all I am the best man.

- There we are.

- It's got butter on it.

- Don't be silly, darling.

- Unsalted.

- Mr. Patrick, Mr. Patrick, Karen isn't in her room!

And she left a note.

- Note?

- Oh my god.

Karen and her boyfriend, they've eloped to Gretna Green.

- What? - Eloped?

- And I helped him start the car.

- Try it now.

I don't know what it could be.

- Oh, well try the carburetor.

- Right.

Sorry.

Which of it is the carburetor?

- Oh, brother.

Some elopement.

Three hours and we've only come half a mile.

I'm starving.

- [Richard] Well, it's not my fault, is it?

- By the time we get to get to Gretna Green, I'll be over 18 anyway.

- One's come home, now the other one's gone.

- My poor little girl.

She's out there somewhere lost in the snow.

- But it's not snowing.

- At a time like this, you give me weather reports.

Oh, my baby.

I remember the first word she ever uttered.

She came toddling through that door.

Her chubby little arms outstretched and she said "dada, dada".

- To the milkman.

- It's all your fault.

You must've driven her to this.

- I haven't done a thing.

I may have just wagged a finger.

- You brute.

- Barbara, now look here.

I am her father too, you know.

Half of her is mine.

- But you've lost my half as well.

- She has eloped.

- To Golder's Green.

- Yeah.

- I've got the automobile association for you, Patrick.

- Thank you.

Thank you, so much.

Hello, AA.

Look, I want you to put up road blocks on the A1, the M1, the A6.

What?.

Well blackboards then every half mile with a message written on it.

Have you got a pencil?

No, that's not the message.

The message is Karen, come home.

All is forgiven, father.

Every half mile.

What?

No, no I'm not a member.

I resigned when you stopped saluting.

Hello, Hello?

Well really.

- I'll just go and see if Georgie's arrived.

- What am I gonna do about Karen?

And I'm so worried.

I telephoned the police, the fire brigade.

- What'd you think she might be on fire?

- The Scottish embassy.

That's it.

I'll telephone them.

- Well, well the return of the prodigal twit.

What happened?

- Oh, don't ask.

Has daddy found my note yet?

- Yes.

I'd better go and tell him you're back.

He'll beat the living daylights out of you.

- Why?

- Because he loves you and he's been worried.

- Oh, blimey.

- And he's all set to cancel his wedding.

- Well, I can't go in there and face him now.

- I'll tell you what to do.

The main thing is, you mustn't let him know you're back yet.

Okay? - Yes.

- And listen.

What you should do is (whispering).

- This is ridiculous.

The Scottish embassy isn't even listed.

- Oh, take it easy, Patrick.

Try and relax.

- Relax?

How can I relax?

You do realise that this note could be a forgery.

She may well be in the hands of the mafia.

- I doubt it.

I'm sure the mafia can spell better than this.

- I'm going to telephone the police.

- No, at least let's wait for a moment.

- Why?

- Well, I've got this feeling that Karen might possibly want to telephone us

to say that she's all right and is coming home soon.

- Feeling?

We can't rely on a feeling.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

- Daddy, it's Karen.

I'm all right and I'm coming home soon.

- Karen.

There you are.

Where are you?

- Ah, well, actually I'm in the hall of somebody's house.

- Who's house?

Where is it?

- Well, I can't really say, you see because the man who owns it,

well, he's got this terrible crabby temper, see.

- You mean you're not with Richard then?

- [Karen] No.

- But you are with a man?

- Darling, what sort of a man?

- Oh, he's harmless enough, mummy.

He's ever so old and wrinkled.

- But darling, they're the worst sort.

I mean look at your father.

- Karen.

- Look daddy, I am sorry about all this.

- No darling, it was all my fault.

- No it wasn't.

- Yes, it was.

- [Karen] It wasn't.

- Yes it was.

- [Karen] No.

- Will you stop interrupting while I'm interrupting?

Now look, Karen darling, at least tell me which town are you in?

- Well, actually I'm a, in a,

I'm in schtuck.

- She's in Schtuck.

Look it up on the map.

- Schtuck?

- Probably Poland.

- What a lovely surprise.

- Now look, Karen darling.

Just stay where you are.

I will arrange for a plane to,

was that Nanny's voice I heard just then?

- Yes.

- She's there with you in Schtuck?

- [Karen] Yes.

- Put her on.

- Daddy wants to talk to you.

- To me?

Hello?

- Nanny, how on earth did you get there?

- Well, I, I walked.

- Walked?

It's impossible.

- I think you better speak to him, dear.

- Look, daddy I can explain everything.

- Yes, darling, I'm sure you can.

But what I want to know is how on earth did Nanny manage to get?

All right, Nanny, I'll be with you in a minute.

How did Nanny manage to get to the?

Nanny?

Oh, look, Karen darling, stay where you are.

I'm sure it isn't very far away.

And I'm looking forward to seeing you.

- If I hurry, I should be home in time for the wedding.

- Yes, I'm sure you will.

- And everything's all right, and you're not to worry.

And no it isn't because you're right behind me, aren't you?

- Yes, I am.

- And you're not very pleased, are you?

- No, I'm not.

- You're probably thinking I'm not too big to have my bottom smacked?

- Exactly.

Goodbye.

- Goodbye.

- In there, young lady.

- Now look darling, I don't want you to blame your father for all this.

- I don't.

- Don't you?

Well, I do.

- Barbara.

- Darling, you were just upset because he was getting married and you weren't.

- Look, I'm only doing it for their sake.

- Ms. Georgie.

Everything's all right.

She's back home again.

- What a relief.

Oh Nanny, this is my Uncle Arthur who's giving me away.

- How do you do?

- You surely don't think I want to get married.

I'm only marrying Georgie to provide them with a mother.

I mean the whole idea.

Hello, Georgie, the whole idea.

Georgie!

- Hello, Patrick.

- Yes, hello.

Good lord, is that the time?

We must be going.

- Patrick, I think you and I should share a car.

We have one or two things to discuss.

- I, well, probably.

- Patrick, I found Spitz, but there's no--

- What else have we today?

- After the Glover wedding, you've got the unmarried mothers.

- I thought you were responsible for them?

- [Patrick] But I do want to get married.

Don't you?

- [Georgie] Of course I do.

I cancelled a dental appointment for this.

- [Patrick] Exactly.

But just because I'm keen, it doesn't mean to say you would have to go through with it

if you're not keen - What does that mean?

Driver, don't stop.

Drive round the green.

- [Patrick] Georgie.

- [Georgie] Patrick, admit it.

You've got cold feet.

- [Patrick] Well, perhaps I have, but I'll keep them on the far side of the bed.

' [Georgie] Yes.

Yes, but are you keen?

- Well, of course I am keen.

But are you?

- Well of course I am.

I tossed a coin and I'll stand by it.

- You'll tossed a?

Driver round the green again.

- It's a long way to this church.

- [Patrick] That's a bit callous.

- Not at all.

I've had my hair done specially.

Besides there's the question of all those lovely presents we've been given.

- Exactly.

And I've already tipped the organist.

- Driver, I think we'd better.

- No, no, we were going to tell you to stop.

This is ridiculous.

If we keep going around like this, we will disappear up our own exhaust pipe.

- [Georgie] How about tossing another coin?

- [Patrick] Georgie.

We must decide this like mature, responsible adults.

Now eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

- We haven't got time.

Really Patrick, we should make up our minds.

- No-- - Patrick, I think it's time we're in position.

And it's very bad luck to talk to your bride before the service.

- How should I know?

I've only done it once before.

- Oh, come on.

Come along, you.

- Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

- Oh, belt up, for heaven's sake.

- You're probably right.

I'll manage.

Ah, they're here.

- This is ridiculous.

A man in this situation should be given time to think.

- Do it first, think about it later.

(organ music)

What's the matter with you, Patrick?

- I, I've just been a little bit nervous, that's all.

- Ah, so was I.

I say, would you like to have a, you know, while there's still time?

- This is quite (mumbles).

Didn't happen to notice where it is?

- Well, you see the fountain.

- I couldn't go.

It wouldn't be right.

- No, no, no.

Next to it is a door.

- Oh, yes.

- Wait.

Here comes the firing squad.

Stiff upper lip, ole son.

- Yes.

- [Bill] Lie back and think of old England.

- Mother.

Wrong side.

Would you believe?

(organ music)

- Dearly beloved.

We are gathered here in this place, in face of this congregation

to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony,

which is an honourable state.

- We are doing the right thing, aren't we?

- The honourable among all men.

- No, I'm not so sure we are.

- What?

- By any to be-- - We had such a nice relationship before.

- Georgie.

- But reverently,

discretely, advisedly, soberly.

- You know, I think you could be right.

- For which matrimony was your name.

Therefore, if any man can see any just cause why they may not be lawfully joined together,

let him now speak or else hear after forever hold his peace.

- Nobody.

They deserted us.

- Patrick Goldsworthy

Sitwell Glover.

- Goldsworthy Sitwell?

- His father was very widely read.

- On.

- State of matrimony will love her, comfort her, honour and keep her in sickness and in health,

and forsaking all other keep thee only unto her so long as yee both shall live?

- Actually, we're just discussing it.

- Splendid.

Georginia Thompson, will though have this man to thy wedded husband,

to live together in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, keep thee (mumbles) unto him,

so long as you both shall live?

- No, thank you.

- Who giveth this woman to be married to this man?

- Nobody does.

Look, Vicar, we've changed our minds, haven't we?

- Yes.

- Will you take her right hand and repeat after me?

- Look, Vicar, Vicar.

- I Patrick.

- Vicar, Vicar.

- Sitwell Glover.

(engine roaring)

(bells tolling)

- Congratulations!

Congratulations.

- Richard.

' Yes?

- We didn't get married.

(upbeat funky music)

(group chatter)

- Oh, not yet dear.

- But Richard hasn't had any breakfast.

- Oh, all right then.

(group chatter)

" [Group] Speech!

Speech!

(yelling)

- [Karen] Is it all right?

- [Richard] I'd rather have had eggs and bacon.

- Karen, Richard, quiet.

- Sorry, 50"'!-

- Well ladies and gentlemen, on these occasions,

it's customary for the groom to say a few words, during which he,

he would thank the bridesmaids and the bride's parents.

Well, we never had any bridesmaids today, and Georgie's never had any parents.

I mean, I haven't got any parents.

So really, all I want to do is to thank those of you

who came along to the church and the rest of your who, who could have they come to the reception.

And also Georgie and I would like to thank you all

very, very much for the beautiful wedding presents that you've given us.

So now, if you would identify them, we would be very happy to give them all back to you.

Come along, Nanny. Now which is the first one?

Who gave us the toaster, eh?

- Mr. and Mrs. Mossman.

- On.

- If I knew I was getting it back, I would've bought something decent.

- Serves you right.

- Now then, who gave us this beautiful lamp?

- [Karen] That is yours, daddy.

- Oh, so it is.

(laughs)

- Now who gave us this?

(cookooing)

Don't tell me, I can guess.

- There we are, darling.

- No, dear, it's your wedding, not mine.

It's a family heirloom.

- Come along everybody. I think it's much better if you collect them yourselves.

Remember, you must only take your own though.

Don't take other people's.

(group chatter)

(doorbell ringing)

- Good morning.

- It's two pounds, 70 this week.

- Oh, it's a sort of cancelled wedding reception.

- Oh yes, that's nice.

- Nanny. Must be a good party.

- Here we are, you two.

- Oh, thank you.

I'm sorry sir about.

- Oh, that's all right. Let bygones be bygones, eh.

Cheers. - Cheers.

(glass breaking)

- Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm so, I'm sorry.

- Richard.

- Sorry I'm late, Patrick. Got held up by a photo finish.

Just a little something, look. Stirling silver cutlery.

I've paid the deposit.

You make the rest of the payments to this address.

- Phillip.

- And congratulations.

- Well actually, we changed our minds. We didn't get married.

- You didn't?

Congratulations.

Barbara!

- Georgie.

' Hmm?

- I've already booked the honeymoon.

Seems a pity to waste it.

Do you mind?

(soft music)