Original subtitles

- Oh, yes!

Look, there's a new one of these.

- Your students' show? - Yeah.

- You love those little brainiacs.

- I--I don't love them.

I love good content, okay?

I've said that a million times.

[person screaming]

- Don't forget to write.

[suspenseful music]

- Those backstabbers. They betrayed me.

* *

- [sighs]

[tires squealing outside]

[car horn honking outside]

- Hey, watch out!

- But you don't need to concern yourselves with that.

Let's see, I might be forgetting something.

Uh, mentally breaking my nemesis,

sex with everyone in California.

No, that was it.

Welcome to AP Bio.

[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]

- One, two, three, four!

- Actually, wait.

One more thing.

This is my pen.

You cannot borrow my pen.

You cannot touch my pen.

It's mine.

If there were to be a fire and I had to save one of you,

I would save the pen.

[intense music]

[metal scraping]

* *

This piece of shit.

- [clears throat]

[timer ticking]

- Yeah, I see it.

But I'm ignoring it.

I'm gonna take a 20-minute power nap.

[suspenseful music]

* *

[alarm rings]

[sighs]

Man, that hit the spot.

Anyone else grab a snooze?

No?

[metal scraping]

[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]

- One, two, three, four!

- * Next time, I'll listen to my heart *

* Next time, well, I'll be smart *

* *

[inquisitive music]

* *

- Hey. You wanted to talk?

- Listen, we've been hooking up for, what, a month now?

- Five weeks and two days, yeah.

- I feel like this is a summer thing.

I mean, we're at a point where

we can either get serious and date

or decide that we've learned enough

to not embarrass ourselves sexually

in college and call it quits.

- I'd say definitely the first thing.

I love you.

I-I love you, Sarika.

- Caleb, I was trying to say we should call it quits.

- [groans]

[groaning]

- Um, this may not be the best time,

but I do have a nondisclosure agreement

I would love for you to sign.

It's very standard stuff.

It just says you can't discuss our relationship at Whitlock,

Toledo, in perpetuity throughout the universe.

[giggles]

- [groans]

* *

- Oh!

You gonna scuff my nude pump?

This is mine now.

Okay, this'll be perfect.

Now, what'd everyone bring for their lunch roulette?

And it'd better be good. Mary? - Huh?

Oh, uh, I would go first,

but I want to see what Helen's got.

- Oh, well, I had some time this morning,

so I just whipped up some seared duck breast

in a balsamic reduction.

- Oh! - Wow.

- And I would've made dessert, too,

if the duck had gone down easier. [laughs]

- Helen, did you kill this duck, like, this morning?

- Well, yeah, I wasn't gonna pan-fry it alive.

I'm not a psychopath.

- Okay, well, I put together a little French picnic.

I brought some of that Brie.

- Ooh, bonjour, Monsieur Cheese.

- Some of that baguette. - Bonjour, Monsieur Bread.

[women giggle]

- And some of them grapes. - Oh, la, la!

C'est magnifique! Bon appétit!

- Mary, are you overly flattering

my lunch roulette contribution

because you forgot we were doing this?

- What? I did not forget.

Lunch roulette means a lot to me,

which is why I made...

this fresh sandwich.

- We split that last week. - [sighs]

- My turn. [clears throat]

For lunch roulette, I brought

one normal, unadulterated banana.

- Is this a rusty nail?

- [scoffs] If it's roulette,

there's got to be one bullet to make it fun.

Whatever, you guys suck. Let's just play.

[women chuckle] - Okay, I'm feeling lucky.

Come on, sandwich!

* *

- Welp, had to confiscate this.

Inappropriate, also patently false.

- Ralph, you got to hide that right now.

The superintendent's gonna be here any moment.

- No. Okay, we have to nail this.

She's gonna keep hitting us with monthly inspections

until we have an incident-free visit.

- Tell me she's not still hung up on the time

that we let her fall through a hole.

- Well, that is 50% her fault for walking and texting,

and it's 50% your fault

for covering the hole with sticks and twigs.

- Well, do you know a better way to catch raccoons?

- Yes.

- Good morning, Helen. - Hi.

- That's Helen? We have a positive ID!

- Down! Eat linoleum, mother[bleep].

You're under arrest for murder.

- Okeydokey. I'll be back next month.

- I'm a hand model. I'm a prosthetic hand model.

Hundreds of people have my hands.

My fingerprints end up in the darndest places.

Did I kill a Cambodian drug lord?

No. Did I steal a Rembrandt

from the Rijksmuseum in Nederlands?

Nee. Nee. Not I, sir.

[tense music]

- I'm good with that.

- Yeah, sorry about the trouble, ma'am.

- Yeah. - Thank you, officers.

Good luck catching the murderer.

- I wish the superintendent had been here for my exoneration.

- He says, "I can come fix your heater on Wednesday."

I says, "Oh, what a coincidence

that you'd come on hump day."

I'm telling you, this guy has had a thing for me for years.

He says it's a regular reminder call

about tomorrow's appointment.

I'm like, "Flirt much?

We just made the appointment yesterday, you horn dog."

Well, anyway, this guy's gonna--

You want to be paid in Visa or smooches?

Visa?

Okay, okay, hold your horses.

God, I thought I had it together.

Think he wants something, he doesn't want it!

[bell ringing]

I says, "If you're so uninterested,

why you leaving me a refrigerator magnet?"

I got it right here. You guys want to see it?

It's crazy.

* *

all: H-E-N--

- You're moving it. - I'm not. I promise.

all: R-Y.

[all gasp]

- It spelled Henry. The spirit's name is Henry.

[all screaming]

- [laughing]

Sorry to intrude, ladies, but legally,

I have to inform you that you have been pranked.

- You did this?

But how did you get the pointer thingy to move?

[dramatic musical sting]

- Allow me to answer that.

Magnets and robotics.

- But how did you get it under the table?

[dramatic musical sting]

- That's where I come in.

I placed the device that was controlling the pen.

For once, being unremarkable worked in my favor.

- But how did you know that we would be doing this?

This isn't even mine. Marissa brought it.

- Don't look at me. I borrowed it from--

- From Yuyao, yes.

I did not find that game wrapped in chains

on the beach as I told you.

I lied, and you bought it.

- But we only invited Marissa yesterday

'cause Anthony couldn't come.

- Oh, couldn't I?

- Anthony, you were in on it and you didn't tell me?

I'm just kidding. He did tell me. I knew.

- I knew, too. Victor paid me ten bucks to play along.

- I knew too. I'm the one who built the robot for Eduardo.

- What about you, Heather? - Of course I knew.

This is my house. I'm the one who let Marcus in.

all: Marcus? - Marcus is here?

- Hey. [all gasp]

Yeah, I made the lights flicker.

Watch this.

Good, right?

[sighs]

- Wait, if everyone was in on it

and no one was getting pranked,

then what are we even doing?

[inquisitive music]

* *

- Okay, okay, so third time's a charm.

All right, just don't trip.

[all groan] - I want this so bad.

When you get it, I'm gonna explode.

- Let me try. - Yeah.

[alarm rings] - [chuckles]

Did anyone see that?

- Well, the sleep pole's a huge success.

I was out. Good first week, guys.

[bell rings]

- Heather, I--

Dan, it's just--if you just--

[suspenseful music]

- Where's my pen?

* *

There was a pen here. Did you take it?

- [laughs]

That thing is long gone, brother.

This school finds out what you love,

and it takes it from you every time.

- Well, I'm gonna find out who took it.

Then there'll be hell to pay.

- What's that?

- I was, uh...

I wasn't talking to you. I was doing a thing.

- Oh. Carry on.

[tense music]

[inquisitive music]

* *

[animal chittering]

- I can hear you running around up there, Mr. Raccoon.

I'm just trying to get you outside to the hole.

Come on.

Huh. I believe we've met.

[raccoon chitters]

Oh, you little--

you little shit, I got you.

[indistinct chatter]

- Well, you said--

- Could you please sign these cards when you got a sec?

One is for Stef's baby shower, and the other one's for Rhonda.

- Oh, such a shame.

- Ooh, sexy-ass water man,

you put the jumbled spelling of "man" in "damn."

So ripped and beautiful, but you dumb, ain't ya?

Yeah, no rocket scientist

lugs stuff around to make a living.

You're like a donkey.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

I want to get with you, big dumb donkey water man.

- Okay, just sign here. Last spot left.

- It'll be nice for Rhonda to see how much we care.

I tell you this, when Keith goes, I'm...

[imitates gunshot]

- Hold up. Goes? Goes where?

- Weren't you listening?

Rhonda's husband died. What did you write on the card?

- I wrote "Yippee. You're back in the game.

Get some, X-X-X."

- Feels like that would've been better for Stef's card.

- So the IRS needs the money tomorrow,

and the best way is to FedEx cash?

Okay, no, I-- Yeah, wait, wait, wait.

I'm sorry. I need a pen. I need a pen.

Thank you. Yeah, no, I'm sorry.

Your accent's really throwing me--just slow down.

Well, I guess I should've been suspicious

that the IRS had an office in Bulgaria.

Okay, right. Well, so hang on.

If I send you $10,000, you can get my money back?

Done and done. All right, bye.

- The superintendent is back. - Oh, hey, how do I look?

- Coconut crap.

- Oh, damn it, Durbin!

- Oh, God, oh, God, what are we gonna do?

Okay, I got it. I'll kill her.

I meant I'll killher.

I meant I'll stall her.

- Just tell her I'll be right back, okay?

Tell her I'm finishing a burrito.

No, not that. Something better.

- Quesadilla? - Just stall her.

* *

Oh, damn! Ah!

Damn it, Durbin!

- No, it's "2 Fast 2 Furious,"

so they're not really family yet,

but they definitely have each other's backs.

- I'm in the ladies' room!

Damn it, Durbin.

* *

Hey, hey, ah, Jack.

Hey, um, shot in the dark.

Uh, could I borrow all your clothes?

- Oh, sorry, bud, well, I'm, you know,

kind of using my clothes.

- Oh, yeah, well, how about um, your cardigan as a diaper?

- Ah, but then, you know,

my favorite sweater is a diaper.

- Yeah, it's--

- You're putting me in a tough spot.

- I am. I am. You know, I had to try.

- Sure. Sure. - Okay.

- Here's your coffee, you lucky duck.

I can't have coffee past Monday, or I'll be up all week.

- I am sorry I'm late.

I was--I was, um...

finishing a burrito.

- You said it was a quesadilla.

And school sucks ass?

I would certainly not call this an "incident-free inspection."

See you next month.

- [mouthing words]

[toilet flushes]

[mischievous music]

* *

[eerie ethereal whispering]

- Okay, so this is probably too big of a clue.

I'm Diego Rivera, so Miss Wagner is...

- Bert from "Sesame Street"?

- No.

What famous artists from history are we?

Here's another clue-- bus accident.

Nothing? All right, how about this?

Everyone write down a few ideas of who you think it could be.

- Dot, dot. Dash. Dash, dash.

Dot, dot. Dash.

Dash, dash, dash.

[eerie music]

* *

* *

- That tapping is driving me crazy.

Or as Frida Kahlo would say, loco.

Anyone want to guess why I brought her up?

[bell rings]

[inquisitive music]

* *

- "Yippee. Get some, X-X-X"?

I know what X-X-X means. I have gotten some.

- Rhonda, I am so sorry.

I was looking at this sexy water donkey--

- Thinner. Thinner.

- Uh--

* *

- Dan Decker wants to be in "Janet Fist"?

- Oh, Caleb, you just got bumped to corpse number two.

- * Janet Fist *

[suspenseful music]

- If you're lucky, I'll let you live.

- [scoffs] Yeah, right, receptionist.

[laughing]

You know what's crazy?

You about to be buried under 20 feet of cold cement.

[scoffs]

Send a little receptionist to get me.

[laughs]

* *

[screaming]

* *

- Don't forget to write.

- * She hates when people don't write *

- Those backstabbers, they betrayed me.

[tense music]

They took my pen.

* *

- Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

I need to talk to you guys about this.

- I think you have to plug it in.

- Yeah, duh.

I know that, Eduardo. I'm just--I'm so mad.

[sighs] All right.

- Have you adjusted the inputs?

- I--I'm too furious

for logistics right now, Eduardo.

It's my pen, okay?

My pen that I begged you guys not to touch.

It's been missing since the first week of school.

And then, out of the blue, I'm trying to enjoy

an episode of "Janet Fist," and what do I see?

My pen.

- You watch my web series?

- Of course I watch-- Guys, I--

For the millionth time, I enjoy good content.

Now, I have two questions for you all.

Who took my pen? And give it to me.

- You mean your Harvard pen?

- No, my University of Florida pen.

I mean, I hate to slam you, Heather,

but, you know, that's how angry I am.

It's fine.

Mistakes were made,

but as long as the pen's okay, all is forgiven.

- Um, it's not okay.

When Janet stopped the orphanage fire,

it got broken...

and torched.

[somber music]

* *

- You ruined it.

* *

You monsters ruined it.

- We can definitely grab you a new pen, Mr. Griffin.

- It wasn't just a pen.

- You know, I never even went to college,

and somehow, here you are,

going to the best college there is.

Oh, cheese and rice.

I almost forgot.

It's not much...

But I know you'll do great things with it.

[sentimental music]

- It's perfect.

She said, "I know you'll do great things with it."

I was always planning to use it to--

I don't know--sign the mortgage on my beachfront mansion

next to fellow Nobel Laureate Deepak Chopra.

- Pretty sure Deepak Chopra hasn't won a Nobel Prize.

- Well, it's about goddamn time he does.

- You know, there are lots of great things

you could do with the pen that I'm sure your mother

would be very proud of.

- Well, I won't be doing anything great with it now

because...

it's gone.

[somber music]

* *

- Well, here's a tip--

never care about anyone or anything,

and that includes dead people and children.

- Jack? - Yeah.

- The baby's coming. I'm gonna have a baby now.

- Wha--Oh, God.

Uh, Dale, help clear a place for Stef.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[suspenseful music]

Not there! - [groans]

[grunting]

[yelling]

- Dale! - I don't know what I'm doing!

- Okay, okay, all right, listen, listen.

Look at me. Look at me. We got this.

Let's get you over to the couch.

- I'm gonna need more of these.

Oh, unworthy! [shrieks]

- Jack, I don't want to have my baby like this.

- Listen, I got you.

- Okay. - Sit here. Here we go.

Okay. Look at me. - Okay.

- Now, you took one of those baby-having classes, right?

- Yeah. - Oh, great.

So we're gonna do that, okay? We can do that, right?

- Okay.

- I'll admit, you two do seem

to finally have this school under control.

- [yelling]

- Get out of here! - Push! Push!

- Whoopsy-daisy! That's a closet.

- Clearly, there is something going on in there.

Either you show me, or I'll be back next month.

- Well, see you then. - Bye.

- Oh, God.

Mr. Griffin, what have you done?

- I have a go bag, Boss.

Whatever you need, no questions asked.

- We made this pen for you,

but if it makes you angry, we can take it back.

[sentimental music]

* *

- Wow.

Life is a miracle.

Each one of you is a little miracle.

- [clears throat] Um, can you please just confirm

that you didn't actually kill anyone?

- Oh, they're gonna be fine.

They're on their way to the hospital.

Now, I have something to say to you,

and I want you to listen very carefully.

This is my pen.

It's my pen.

No one can touch my pen.

It's mine.

* *

- Oh, my God, you guys, I am so excited.

If this baby has chubby elbows, I'm gonna pass out.

- Me too, I love a chubby joint.

- I just wish I could hold her, but I'll lactate

'cause I was a wet nurse during the Great Recession.

- Yeah, I'm gonna have to pass, too.

I mean, I-I like to wait

for the, you know, neck muscles to come in, otherwise...

- I'm excited to see her again.

- This is my second time hanging out with her.

We're buds. Yeah. - [laughs]

[all clamoring]

Look at my friend's post-glow pregnancy.

- Oh, nobody's rolling the footage on my baby?

I'ma go back and redo it. - Come on.

- What's her name?

- Her name is Evelyn Jack Duncan.

- Oh! - [squeals]

- Will you make her name official?

- I'd be honored. - Here's the birth certificate.

- Ah, I, uh, have my own pen.

- This is a really cool thing, Jack.

- I would go so far as to say

that it's a great thing.

- Oh, God. Here come the waterworks.

all: Aww.

- Oh.

[heartwarming music]