Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

- Well? - It's astounding.

A near perfect match.

Are you sure?

According to this thermal ion proton

DNA RNA sequencer, this semen sample definitely

is a descendant of Secretariat,

the greatest racehorse of all time.

Excellent.

- Excellent. - Congratulations, your honour.

Why do you keep calling me that?

He said that you are a judge.

Not a judge, you nitwit. The Judge.

The say what now?

I'm Ozzy Judginsky, the judge.

You know, the singer?

The one that pissed on the Alamo in Texas?

What? No, that's Ozzy Osbourne. That's the other Ozzy.

I'm from the 90's band, Alien Heart Attack?

Oh, right, of course. That's amazing. Big fan.

- Huge fan. - Name one Alien Heart Attack

song, and you can't say Fudge Cloud because that's

the one everybody knows.

Hey, sorry, top 40 kinda gal. Gotta go with Fudge Clown.

Fudge Cloud, not clown. Jesus.

It's not about a gay circus performer.

Anyway, congratulations on the amazing horse semen.

Thank you. You do know what this means, don't you?

Yes, indeed, it means Bens

and I didn't waste our evening jerking off a donkey.

I told you not to hire them.

Those two idiots are the worst muscle men in the business.

Seriously, who hires a bodyguard

with a crippling lisp?

Hey, hey, hey.

Now, a speech impediment can make a man grow tough.

I've known Bobby Q since before the Earth was flat,

and he makes up for that lisp in other departments.

Punch a hole through that wall, Bobby.

Aw, shit.

Okay, there's no hole, but he punched without question.

Your Bens is loyal to you?

Well, they yanked off that pony without any complaints.

That little fatherly support wouldn't be too much to ask.

Are you going to tell us what's going on,

because I'm still confused.

Okay, that lisp is a little annoying.

What it means is that I was 100% correct.

That horse is a fucking gold mine and nobody has a clue.

Hold it, you just happened to find

the stallion whose grand sire was Secretariat?

I can always smell out quality horse flesh.

That, and write catchy pop tunes that involve dessert

- toppings and the weather. - Yes, indeed.

And now my plan comes to fruition.

We're going to illegally harvest this magical horse

semen and sell it to the highest echelons

of the equine universe.

Oh, so it's just a get-rich-quick scheme. Sad.

Did you blow all your rock star money back in the day?

Hell no, I'm a millionaire, lady.

But I sunk all of my money into this scheme,

and when I sell that sweet white gold,

I'm going to be a goddamn billionaire.

What the fuck are you guys laughing at?

I'm going to be the goddamn billionaire.

You'll still be working for scale.

Huh.

Stink bombs, really?

Mom, I can't talk about this again.

One year left, and you had to go and throw it all away?

Don't be dramatic. I'm still finishing senior year, just...

- Gonna be at an online school. - Oh, an online school. Perfect.

Your future employers are going to love that.

I just hope working at your dad's is going to instill some

- responsibility in you. - That's not fair.

Yeah, well, life's not fair. Welcome to adulthood.

- Fuck this. - Look.

I know your dad's not your favorite person right now.

He left us for a farm.

Pretty sure 'not my favorite person'

would be the understatement of the year.

Local authorities are still investigating

a spade of horse farm disturbances believed

to be linked to an illegal horse semen smuggling ring.

- If anyone has inf... - What kind of freak town

are you leaving me in?

Hey, you seem to love hijinks.

Why don't you help the police find the culprit?

Ugh, this is going to be the worst week of my life.

Hey, I love you.

Oh, gross.

Hi, guys.

Yes, hi, and bye. A little too much nature round here.

Nice to see you again, Cassandra.

Nate, behave yourself.

- Glad you decided to come up. - Trust me, wasn't my choice.

There's literally shit right there.

Ah, that's horse poop.

And I'd get used to it, kiddo.

I sure did.

Thought this farm would be more of a shack.

It's...

beautiful, isn't it?

Not really my scene,

but I guess some people would say it's... nice.

- That's a nice camera. - Thanks.

Won it in a school photo competish.

- Who's that? - Chaz Mollar.

Devon, my guy.

Chaz. This is my son, Nathan.

Great. So, where's my dad's cheque?

- Who's your dad? - The farm's landlord.

I didn't think you'd be by today, you were supposed to,

what, stop over a few hours ago?

Yeah, well, it was leg day the gym.

Sculpted calves don't come for free. Right?

- Cheque. - I'll get your dad's cheque.

Wanna... the bag?

Yeah, I didn't know Kev had a kid.

Didn't know the farm had a landlord.

Oh, your grandfather, gambled it away before he died.

Yeah, it's pretty sad if you ask me.

Whatever.

- I hate farms. - Me too.

You from the city?

- Yeah. - Yo, no bullshit...

I got those same shoes.

- Hmm. - Here.

Nice meetin' ya.

Hi dad. I told you never to call me Cornelius.

- I'm Chaz now. - His name's... Cornelius?

Yeah, no, Gucci wants a persona.

You know, you guys look like

you're in a Brawny paper towel ad.

- Bye. - God, I hate that kid.

Let's get you settled in.

Great.

Um, Dad? Was grandpa a gambler?

What? No.

- Why would you even ask that? - That's what Chaz said.

Don't listen to anything that he has to say.

Then why are you giving them cheques?

Um, tax reasons.

It's really too complicated to explain.

- Don't you just love that air? - It's air.

No, that's air air.

- Not that polluted city crap. - Huh.

And this is Sarah.

She has been a life saver, helping me with the horses.

- You're Nathan, yeah? - Mhm.

Your dad can't shut up about you, dude fucking loves you.

Hey, what'd I say?

Excuse me, your dad seems to think that my swearing around

the horses will give them some sort of complex.

Yeah, 'cause it does.

All right, well, I better finish this guy's ride.

- Let's fuckin' go. - Sarah!

That's the bed.

Fuck you.

- Fucking horses? What do you... - Hey, kiddo.

Hey, Kevin.

You, uh, talking to yourself?

I mean, I used to talk to myself too.

I wasn't talking to myself.

Okay.

Hey you know, you can, you can do all that later.

Come with me. I've got some, uh,

very important people for you to meet. Come on.

Now, come here, come here, come here, come here.

- These are horses, not people. - Hah, these are my babies.

Nate, come here. I want you to meet someone special.

Again, a horse, not a someone.

Wait, is there a photo of him in my room?

Good spotting.

This is Fritz. He's one of our finest.

But, he's been a little off lately.

How can a horse be off?

You can just feel it.

I, I brought you up here 'cause

I was hoping, uh, maybe you could help him out.

Bring a fresh energy to the place.

Horses aren't really my thing.

Come on, kiddo. Don't be scared now.

I'm not... scared.

- There you go. - Okay. Exhilarating.

Okay.

Nate, come on, I want you to meet the others.

- Bitch. - Did you...?

Nathan, have you ever used one of these before?

Um, no, I don't like horses.

Or people that like horses. No offence.

I...

Hi.

Wow, that's...

a lot, but I'm sure that we

can come to some kind of agreement.

My barn, my rules.

Oh my...

Oh, this is my fucking favorite pair.

You okay?

Shit.

Hey, Sarah.

- Hey. - There you are.

Would you be sure you, uh, do his legs up tonight?

- He worked hard today. - Sure.

Thanks.

Looks like you're going to need some new boots.

- Not really my style. - Huh.

Are you, uh, Kevin's kid?

That's me.

Have you, uh, been out to see the farm?

- It's a farm. - Ha, really?

Well, maybe you should, ah, get Sarah to take you out

for a drive in the golf cart and show you around.

But, uh, careful.

She drives pretty fast.

Woo!

Oh, God.

Jesus.

Whoa.

- What? - N-Nothing.

Never seen a girl with a gun before?

- Never seen a gun before? - Aw, city boy.

Here.

Earplugs? Seriously? What am I, 80?

Suit yourself.

Gonna need those glasses, though.

Wait.

Uh. Just gonna...

Yeah, what was that you were saying about earplugs?

What?

Uh...

There's a, flock of, flock of geese.

There's a pigeon. Somewhere.

What's the matter with you?

So, where did you two sneak off to?

Took him to the range.

- Did you hit it? - Yep.

- Huh?

Did you hit it? Did you hit one of the targets?

Oh.

Right. No, no, I didn't.

Ready to start work tomorrow?

Not really.

Let me guess, city boy's never had a real job.

Yes. Does selling Adderall count?

It was a joke.

I wasn't joking.

It's, uh, good to work with your hands, you know?

Insert yourself. Get dirty.

- Yeah. - Something funny?

No.

Can't wait to insert myself.

Put in a good hard day's work.

- Real hard. - Yeah.

Bi-ii-tch.

Oh, Sarah.

Oh my god.

Yeah, fuck yeah.

- What? - Time to get up.

The farm waits for no one.

Not much of a morning person.

Oh.

Looks like you've already gotten up.

Um...

That's just a design flaw in the sheets.

Wow, you're a terrible liar.

Time to get cracking, city boy.

Seriously?

It'd probably help if you pour the coffee, then drink it.

Thanks for the tip.

Oh, I see Sarah got you up this morning.

Oh, he had no problem getting up.

That's my boy, fitting right into the farm life.

- Really pull it. - I'm using all my body weight.

All right, well that's sad. Just, try again.

You know what, just give it to me. Give it to me.

I think there might, might be something broken on there.

Uh, my arms are tired from last night.

I was-I wasn't jerking off, I was-I was doing push-ups.

There's so much shit.

Shit!

Fucking... shit all in it.

- Shit! - It's all about

the rhythm, and make sure you use your knees when you lift

or else you'll have one hell of a backache tomorrow.

- I got this. - Woah, woah woah.

Yo, Scary! Busted bail, busted bail.

What's going on?

Grab the pitchfork.

- Take it down, first. - Okay, alright.

I got it, I got it.

Are you sure?

Yeah, it's easy. I could do this all day.

Shit!

What the hell?

Uh, does that like, happen sometimes?

- Uh, nope. - This is not good.

Keep up, you're burning daylight.

Okay, okay, God.

Sorry about the hay stuff or whatever.

"Or whatever?"

- Are you serious right now? - It was an accident.

An expensive accident that I can't afford to cover.

You know, you've got to grow up sometime, Nathan.

- You can't be a kid forever. - Grow up?

I'm not the one running around playing Peter Pan.

You left mom and I for a stupid farm.

Uh, there's far more to it than you know.

Screw you.

Hey, don't talk to your dad like that.

You mean the dad I haven't seen in over a year?

I have invited you up here so many times.

Excuse me if I didn't want to visit my deadbeat dad

- ...and a bunch of horseshit. - Nat-Nathan.

You're way off the mark.

Fuck. You.

- You know what? - What?

I would have thought you'd have at least matured

a little bit by now.

But I can see you're, you're still the same.

It's high time you took accountability.

You're going have to pay for that baler incident.

That's at least a month's worth of work.

I was only supposed to be for a week.

- I can't be here for a month. - Why not?

You are expelled.

It's not like you have a classroom to be in.

I have online school.

And that's the beauty of online school.

You can take it anywhere, even your deadbeat dad's farm.

Uh, I'll be so bored.

You uh, can't be bored...

if you're busy.

Don't worry.

There's plenty of poop with your name on it.

Oh, what do they eat?

This is shit. I hate this shit. So much shit in here.

Kevin's a piece of shit. So much horseshit.

Oh, this is too much.

Fuck!

- Woah, shit. - Literally.

Hey, I'm more of a tulips guy, but, I'll take 'em.

You wish. Seen Sarah?

Nah, man. Been shoveling shit for the past few hours.

- Why? - I'm trying to win her back.

Win her back?

Yeah, we dated, but she couldn't handle

the Chaz lifestyle, so.

What's the Chaz lifestyle?

Pfft, oh man.

♪ More intense than Alcatraz ♪

♪ That's what it's like to be around Chaz ♪

Damn, that was good. Oh, I gotta write that down.

- Sounded... great. Yeah. - Right, that was good, huh?

- Yeah. - Wow.

So, um...

How long did you and Sarah date?

Like, two years, something dumb.

Yeah, what are you doing tonight?

Uh...

My friend's on a fucking cleanse so he can't drink.

- I need someone fun. - Maaa...

Hey, you still shoveling out there?

Unless if you wanna hang around with your loser ass dad.

- I guess so. - Talk to me.

Yeah, Dad, just get her like a doll house and a Mercedes.

She should be fine, she's eight. That's a perfect gift.

And can you do something about these horses, I think they're

making me allergic...

- What? - Loser.

Shut up.

- Hilarious. - Loser.

Thanks for the vote of confidence.

Anytime.

- Nice roses. - Oh, yeah.

Let me guess. Chaz?

Who else would get such a ridiculous bouquet?

You know, we're surrounded by such beautiful wildflowers.

I don't want a store bought bouquet.

All I want is for someone to treat me well

and pick wildflowers they think I might like.

Why do I think that this has to do

with more than just flowers?

- Yeah, well, after what he did? - Oh, yeah, I get it.

So, any news on the baler?

$12,000 to fix the damn thing.

I told Nathan that he's going to have to help pay for it,

but even a month of his working here

is not gonna put a dent in that cost.

Nathan's going to be here longer?

Yeah.

I just, I can't wrap my head around why he would do it.

- What was he trying to prove? - I don't know.

I wish that kid had an ounce of your diligence.

Sarah, you are a credit to your parents.

Nathan, on the other hand...

What a dick.

What the fuck?

He's got a good heart. He's just... a troublemaker.

Well, I better steer clear of him.

Apparently, I'm a sucker for trouble makers.

You're my kind scientist, lady.

Go for Judge.

I can't hear you.

You sound like you're either at a redneck bar,

or a Bob Seger concert.

- Yes, I see. - Yeah, you'd better see.

You better fucking see, you better fucking see Nathan,

and you better keep fucking seeing him until we can figure

out whether or not he's a problem

or else I'm going to shove one harmonica up your ass

and the other down your throat,

and you're going to harmonize in the middle, son.

Oh heavens, no, we certainly don't want that.

Rest assured you have our full support.

- Don't you worry one gummy bear. - Gummy bears?

This might not be politically correct,

but are you fucking retarded, boy?

I'm talking about billions of dollars of jail time,

and you're talking about motherfucking gummy bears?

I agree. I shouldn't have said that.

Let me try and explain something to you.

This is about trickling down,

and some of this might trickle down to you.

But if I get busted,

the only trickling down is going to be when your cellmate

pisses in your face, is that clear enough for you?

Oh, speak of the devil. The dove has entered the coop.

Just forget about the fucking codes

and see if that kid's going to be a problem.

Hey, can I get...

Hello, I'm standing, I'm literally right here.

You know, it's so easy to make a child,

- but so difficult to raise one. - Mmm.

Especially when you deny their existence.

So, is that dress button or snap because you've got

a couple of hematomas,

they're just begging for a mouth biopsy.

I guess this is going to happen in a bar...

What would you like?

Uh, I'm sorry, what?

To sip.

Um...

A beer?

- Birch Admiral. - One Birch's brew.

Quick service.

Oh, don't be silly. Put that away.

The name's Orwell, Orwell Spunk. And you are?

Uh...

- Nathan. - Nathaniel...

have you heard any funny business

- regarding horses? - What?

- Any stallion shenanigans? - Huh?

Then you haven't. you know nothing.

Just as I expected.

Hey, what's happening right now?

Forget this face.

Okay, thanks for the drink, man.

Nathan. Shots?

Hey, Chaz. Did you see that guy?

Oh, the Ring Pop guy?

Yeah, no, we call him the Velveteen Rabbit.

Here, come over to Zach.

Shots, shots, shots.

You go, lightweight.

Cheers.

You're an embarrassment. Put that away. Ha ha, cheers.

Ugh. I miss Sarah.

We had our first kiss here.

What happened between you two?

It was a miscommunication, that's all.

He got banned from Crown Liquors for life.

What?

Hey, I got to take this call. Hello?

- This is Chaz. - That's not your phone.

Who do you think this is? I know what my phone is.

Good day.

Oh shit, this isn't my phone.

Dude, we gotta go to the liquor s-store.

We gotta get booze, man.

Chaz, we're at the liquor store.

Aw, shit. That's, that's Sarah's stepmom dude.

That's-yeah.

Dude, I know they're not related,

but they have like, the same butt, right?

Yeah, they totally do. Check this out.

Cha... No, Chaz, no.

Hey, baby. How you doin'?

Oof.

- Chaz? - Hi, Mrs. Proctor, how are you?

Turn that thing off.

- That's pretty fucked up. - Whatever. All right.

I'm, I'm a very talented singer songwriter.

Everybody wants me, so I'll be fine.

Bury me in Fireball!

Oh, shit.

Good morning, Western Massachusetts.

It's another beautiful fall day here in the Berkshires,

clear and breezy with a high of 61.

Oh, that foliage is sure beautiful.

Hey, Nathan.

I, uh, I wanted to apologize for yesterday.

I know that things have been bad, but...

I shouldn't have said some of the things that I said.

Nathan.

Nathan.

Nathan.

Nathan, come on. Nat...

Teenagers.

- He'll come around. - Hey, buddy,

we're gonna need your special fecal matter skills.

Are you trying to get him to love you or hate you?

What? Well, no, I just think he needs

- to learn a lesson in humility. - Well, not that way.

You know, I'm gonna have to write down your little pearls

- of wisdom someday, Mary. - Oh, okay.

Okay, well, I would try something nicer.

Like, let's go for a ride. and you can help us.

Picking up shit is not the first lesson for him.

Then get down off his high horse. Forgive the pun.

You're the dad.

How you doin' back there, kiddo?

I don't know how I can afford it all.

The rent, the conveyor incident. It's too much.

You'll figure it out. You always do.

I don't know about this time, Mary. I'm losing the farm.

I'm at odds with my son. He hates it here and he hates me.

You can't treat him like a child and expect him

- to act like an adult. - What am I supposed to do?

Give him a little freedom.

- Does he ride? - No,

I, uh, wanted to teach him to ride Fritz,

but he's made it pretty clear he wants nothing to do with me.

Don't be such a sad sack.

How about having Sarah teach him how to ride? He likes her.

It would be fun. He might feel accomplished.

Be good for him.

What are you looking for?

His bridle. I could have sworn

I put it over here earlier.

Floor. Floor.

Is this it?

That's weird.

I would have never put a bridle on the floor like that.

Hey, wimp. Wimp.

Hey, buddy. Scared of the big bad horse?

No.

Come on.

It's easy.

Tell you what. You ride me, I'll ride you.

Not so scary, huh?

How are you feeling?

Who, me? Easy breezy.

Nathan, don't lie to me.

- What a pussy. - I may be a tinge stressed out

the 2000 pound animal in front of me.

Pfft. You're gonna be fine.

- Pussy. - Shh.

Did you just shush me?

No, I, talk to myself sometimes.

Honestly, I talk to myself too, sometimes.

Horses are just like people.

They can be a little tricky to read.

See, he looks totally calm,

but internally he's freaking out.

Hey!

He's just not used to you yet.

Just like you're not used to him.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa. It's okay. It's okay, Fritz.

He's been a little off recently.

Try to ride him another day.

Bye, pussy.

- Oh hey, buddy. - Hi.

Where are you headed?

Um, uh,

Mary, set me up on a blind date.

Oh.

- Have a really nice time. - If you want to talk about it...

- Nope! Not at all. - Look, Nath...

Hey, city, boy. Want to go to the shooting range?

Nah, I'm good.

You can blow off some steam. Come on.

Alright, fine. I'm coming.

- You're what? - I'm coming.

- What? - I'm com...

I'll be there in a few minutes.

Shake a leg. Sun's going down.

- Shake a leg? - Means chop chop, city boy.

Uh oh, I get to drive the cart. It's cool.

Oh, don't, don't, don't move. Wait right there.

- What, no. The sun's setting. - You look...

I need a photo.

Thank you.

Could you...

um...

send that to me so I can share it?

No one ever really takes my photo.

That's absolutely their loss.

What's that?

Cicadas. Beautiful, huh?

Can I ask you something?

Does my dad go on a lot of dates?

Never.

- Why? - He's going on one tonight.

Really?

I mean, he's an adult, he can do what he wants, but...

he skipped out on my mom and I, like hardcore.

It's dumb. It doesn't even matter.

I didn't know that.

He told me a different story.

Well, I guess we tell the stories we want to believe,

and if we tell them enough times,

then maybe they start to be true.

- You need a party. - Huh?

A massive distraction.

You can't run from the truth, but you certainly can drown it.

- Drown it? - In whisky.

Or tequila. Your prerogative.

Where are we gonna find a party?

Say your dad was going out tonight...

Oh!

I'll make some calls.

Would you like to hear about our little scheme?

I've been waiting for about an hour.

It takes those two longer to get dressed,

than it took Ms. Tran to bleach my asshole.

'Course, my asshole hair is so fine that it really

doesn't take that long, but it sure stings a lot.

Well, the Bens are going to infiltrate the party

dressed as douchebags, so they will transform

from bodyguard Bens to frat boy Kens.

Watch the rhyming, son. That's my gig.

Don't be mad, Dad, even a tad.

I'm the poet in this family.

♪ Chocolate raisins in the sky if everybody starts to cry ♪

I wrote that and it won a fucking Grammy, so suck it.

Oh, you're out of massage oils.

Weren't you the scientist lady?

Yes, so Natalia's my girlfriend now.

Mm-hmm! Muah. Wah, ooh wah, wah, coo.

That's nice, just a tad surprised how she went

from MIT meek to strip club chic.

Rhyming!

There is literally zero massage oil.

Kostya. It's Natalia's brother.

Apparently, Russia is a very sexy place.

I like the way you talk. Would you like orgy?

No, no, Bobby Q doesn't orgy.

He watches my back while I orgy.

Mmm...

Now let's get this wildly erotic,

deeply taboo, and possibly illegal game play underway.

Oh, oh, oh oh.

Hey... oh!

This sort of thing can emotionally scar a poor boy.

- Oh, man. - I've got oil in my bedroom.

Kids, why don't you wait in daddy's room?

He has a little business to attend to.

Okay, daddy.

Ah, so the incestuous Russian sex toys get to call you daddy.

Grow the fuck up. That's rock and roll.

You need to worry about those Ben idiots

- covering that Nathan kid. - Fret not.

They'll keep a close eye on him at the party.

It might be advantageous to bring him into the fold.

I see your point. Okay. Shoot your shot.

But if he doesn't go along with it,

shoot your shot for real.

You get what I'm saying?

Yes.

Do you really know what I'm saying?

If I ask and he says no,

I should ask again with a very intimidating manner.

If you ask and he says no, you should kill him.

- Really? - Dead.

Wow, quite the extreme measures to be taken,

but I'm on it.

In fact, I'm quite prepared.

I'll be the man for the job.

That's not a gun.

That's a gun, son.

We're trying to kill him,

not tickle his balls.

Yes, good god.

Well... Very well, then.

Okay, I'll just put that back there for now.

What do you think about this, Bobby?

Orwell's right. We're looking good.

We've harvested more of the horse product.

Setting up bidders online.

By this time next week, you'll be richer than sin.

Ah, yeah. Wanna do a bump?

No, thanks. I don't do the cocaine.

This ain't cocaine. This is vitamin B12.

Ah, fuck Viagra.

That shit gets you harder than Portuguese trigonometry.

Grease up, kids. Daddy's coming.

Later, Bobby.

Oh, man...

that is one seriously psycho, freaky-deaky rock star.

Bottoms up.

Oh, my god.

Is that nail polish remover?

No, just shitty moonshine.

Shitty being the operative word.

Party's arrived.

Absolutely not. Who the fuck invited you?

Well, it's a party. Of course Chaz is going to be here.

Baby... Hey, I want you back.

Chaz... this may come as a surprise to you,

but I don't want you back.

But as my dad always says, I'm the best.

Yeah, look at that girl over there: she's pining after me.

Nah, man, I'm good. I'm actually gay.

Yes, she is, twinkle toes.

A bad example because she doesn't even like guys.

I like guys and I would never do you.

And I would never even date you either,

because I have a strict no redheads policy.

- Dude, she's blonde. - Wait, she's what?

Whatever.

Look, Chaz, the reason no one wants to date you

is because you're a massive twat.

But I have a maid.

Precisely.

Okay, this party's pathetic. Let's bounce.

I don't, I don't even know why I dated you in the first place.

You're not exactly Soho House material.

What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

That I momentarily let my standards drop

- when I dated you. - You can fuck off, Chaz.

Always such a dick.

I don't know why I let him get under my skin.

- Cha-Chaz. - What?

I, I'd date you.

- Really? - Yeah.

Thanks, Zac. That means a lot.

They were totally wrong about you.

- They were. - Yeah.

- I'm hot, huh? - Totally.

Remember, blue is the warmest colour.

You know what you remind me of?

- What? - Myself.

Hey, miss. Would you like some free drugs?

- I'll take care of 'em. - What?

You have to be more casual.

Looks like you need a refill.

Aw, thanks.

Your presence has been summoned.

What?

He said your presence has been summoned.

- Do you have the wrong guy? - You are the Nathan.

Yeah?

Guess you do have the right guy.

Then we shall see you tomorrow.

No, thanks.

Nathan, Nathan, Nathan.

You'll want to come by. We just want to talk.

Remember, Nathan, we know where you live.

- Okay? - Jesus.

Watch where you're going.

- Hey, I'm sorry. - Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

- I'm not mad. - You're not?

No, I want you to have fun.

Your being responsible doesn't mean not having any fun.

I want you to not hate the fun, really.

Kevin! We missed you.

Woah...

- No, thank you. - Probably for the best.

Tastes like garbage.

Well, uh, you two enjoy yourselves.

But... be ready for work in the morning.

Ay, ay, captain.

Sweet.

Good boy.

What the fuck? The lock is cut.

Oh, you're up, uh, early.

Yeah, I know there's work to be done, and all that.

So...

...how was your date?

No one, uh, no one really compares to your mother.

- What's with the papers? - Oh, uh...

I'm just looking over some financial stuff.

Oh.

How's it looking?

Not good.

- I'm sorry about the baler... - Hey, hey, hey.

I know you are.

Thanks, kiddo.

Uh, anything I can do to help?

Not at the moment, unless you have some that Adderall

laying around that'd be... hey, hey. That's a joke.

But in the meantime, the composter

- could use turning over. - No shit?

No shit.

- Hmm, hey, Loser. - Oh, what are you guys doing?

Just trying to give Fritz a little lovin'.

I don't know what's going on with him.

Poor little guy.

Alright, Fritz.

God, I'm so hungover.

All I want is Betty's pizza

with that... cheesy, yummy goodness.

Uh, wanna like, go later?

To Betty's?

Yeah, I mean, you said you wanted to go, so...

Nathaniel, are you asking me out on a date?

If I were, would you say yes?

Mm-hmm.

- Betty's then? - It's a date, city boy.

Two losers.

Yes.

It's beautiful.

Excellent.

100 percent Grade A.

Hello?

Someone is waiting, you imbecile.

And change your shirt, as we discussed.

Welcome to the smoke shop. That's all we sell here.

We're chill people. Come on in.

- Come on, bro. Come on. - Okay.

Sick shop.

Oh, you haven't seen anything yet.

I'm not going to kiss your hand.

Come with me.

Scared to take my hand?

I'm allergic to latex.

Hm. Must be convenient... for a virgin.

I'm not a vir...

Shit. Lotta cash.

Oh, this doesn't exist.

I...

- It's right there. - None of this is real.

Ben, you are an utter embarrassment.

Nathaniel, pay him no mind.

I believe he was dropped on his head as a child.

Perhaps on multiple occasions.

Come with me, my boy, please.

- Oh, my god. - Ooh, you have soft shoulders.

I, I don't, yeah.

What are those?

Liquid gold, my boy. Liquid gold.

Mined from the shaft with my bare hands.

What's liquid gold?

Horse semen is no laughing matter.

You're seriously the worst.

- What's in there? - 69, 69.

That's the code that he assigned.

69, 69. That's the code that he assigned.

Enough of your childish rhymes, Ben.

Okay...

Just uh, joking with our house comic Ben, here.

Where do you think you're going?

I have plans.

We all know it's a date. You can say it.

Look, I don't know what kind of weird ass operation

- you have going on here... - Weird ass?

It's actually an incredible, wonderful operation

we're running here. We were going to invite you

to join, but never mind.

Well, I definitely don't want any part of it.

We definitely don't want any part of you.

- Well, then we're in agreement. - Fine.

Oh!

Say hello to your horsey friend for us.

I'm gonna...

- Okay. - Yeah, I'm sorry, bro.

Have a wonderful date, Nate.

Spare key. Hmm.

Hmm...

See, it doesn't work with Coke. It has to be a milkshake.

- Well, I'm lactose intolerant. - God, that's hot.

What, that I'm lactose intolerant?

Say it again.

I'm lactose intolerant.

Fuck.

I, um...

Hey do you know a guy named... what's his name,

Orwell?

Doesn't ring a bell.

He has these um, Ring Pops on his hand.

He tried to make me suck it.

What?

- His Ring Pop. - Oh, oh, okay.

Not, not his penis.

- I just wanna make that clear. - Noted.

Hey, are you cool with my dad?

Yeah, why?

I don't know, he just gets on me a lot.

Well, yeah, you don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Yeah, my life's kind of, kind of messed up.

Well, I just meant at the farm. I didn't mean...

Oh.

Yeah, still.

You should try to hang out with him. He's pretty chill.

I kind of feel bad for that baler.

Yeah, that was pretty bad.

You saw my muscles though, right?

Your... muscles?

Yeah, those.

Those I saw.

- Are you cold? - A little bit.

Well, well, well, what the frick do we have here?

Yo, Chaz.

Don't you "Yo, Chaz" me,

and get your hands away from my girl.

- Your girl? - Yeah, get him, Chaz.

- Oh, I will. - So you're spying on me now?

I came to serenade you.

No one wants to hear that. Let's go.

Okay, so you're ditching me for the Virgin Mary now?

- Chaz, you're pathetic. - Look, baby girl, baby girl.

Look, you could be making sweet, sweet love

- to a Gucci model right now. - Yeah, right.

Yeah, that's right. I got paid for a Gucci shoot next week.

I'm going to be making bank. Gucci bank.

Good for you, Chaz.

What... Sarah, we make sense together.

No, we really, really don't.

Baby, please.

- I wrote you this song. - Oh, my God...

♪ Sarah, I know it's hard. ♪

♪ When I'm looking at you so very hard. ♪

♪ When you cook me breakfast, I've ♪

What, I was about to hit the chorus, dude.

- You'll sing it for me later. - Uh, thanks for the song,

but we're going to get out of here, so...

Sarah and I have a destiny. She's mine.

I don't belong to anyone.

Yeah, what are you, Ted Bundy or something?

Okay, you want a fight? Fine. You got one.

- Take the first swing. - I don't want to fight.

You're just a little bitch just like

- your dad and your grandpa. - Hey!

- What did you say? - Yeah, that's right.

Your gamblin' ass grandpa couldn't hold on

to the farm, and neither will your daddy.

What are you talking about?

Oh, you don't know, do you?

My dad just got a call from developers today.

They want to buy the farm and tear it down.

- Wait, what? - Yeah, that's right.

My dad's meeting with them tomorrow.

So listen, if your dad can come up with the cash before then...

Oh, oh did I make you upset? He's just a little bi...

- Chaz! No! - I'm okay.

Oh, my god, I think I got a rock in my eye.

Can you look in my eye? It's really,

- I don't think it's... ah! - The fuck!?

What am I gonna do with my Insta story?

God, he's such an asshole.

Yeah.

He never deserved you.

- I really like you, Sarah. - Oh, yeah?

I like you, too.

When are we going to do about the farm?

I don't know.

I can speak to my dad.

Woah, kiddo. You okay?

Speak of the devil.

Yeah, I'm okay.

What, uh, what happened to your nose?

Got hit by a wannabe Gucci model.

Are you uh, care to elaborate?

Not really.

I'm going to go grab some air.

What really happened to your nose?

You're stupid.

Dad, I got to know the truth about the farm, about grandpa.

Your grandfather was a, was a complicated guy.

Then it's true, he was a gambler.

It was a secret.

It was a big secret, really.

He, uh, He had an addiction.

And one night he lost a huge bet.

And he didn't have the cash to cover it.

- So he had to give up the farm. - You can't be serious.

Before he died, he made me promise him that...

I'd buy the farm back.

So, uh... that's what I have been doing.

Slowly paying it off over the past few years.

- That's why you left mom and I. - Yeah.

Why didn't you say so?

I didn't want to hurt your grandfather's pride.

So why tell me now?

Because...

I thought it was more important to tell the truth.

Dad, you're gonna lose the farm.

Oh, hey, I mean, it's going to be a little difficult to get

- over the baler incident... - No, developers are buying it.

What?

Chaz told me.

His dad's meeting them tomorrow.

And they're going to tear it down.

You know, if you would have told me you're going to

lose the farm a month ago I wouldn't have cared.

Shit, I'd probably be happy.

But now, I can't help to think that this is entirely my fault.

I mean, if I wasn't so stupid with the baler...

Kiddo, kiddo, kiddo, slow, slow down.

What are you doing here?

Look at my beautiful boy's face.

You need to get control of that little shit of yours.

- Alright John... - How's he supposed to do his

- Gucci commercial next week? - There he is, Dad.

You need to keep your grubby little hands

off of my angel, you hear me?

Alright, I think the name calling is a bit excessive.

You know, your son is going to end up just like you.

Broke, alone, and at the bottom of the food chain.

No, I think it's time that you get the fuck off my property.

- Your property? - Yeah.

Ha...

You're not going to get away with this.

Oh, I will. I will.

He will.

Dad, can you unlock the door?

God. There must be something we're not thinking of.

Well, I'm all out of ideas.

Well, you clean up nice.

What? Oh, thanks.

Felt like a new shirt would make me feel better.

I was really talking about the bloodless face, but...

Ah, yeah. That, too.

Woah, this is chill.

It's my favorite spot, but I hardly ever

get down here because I'm always so busy at the farm.

Well, I definitely need the break.

I don't know what's gonna happen...

No, no, no, no, no. Tomorrow.

Tonight, we chill.

I know, right? Check this out.

I was attacked by a bear.

Where was Zac when I needed him? Huh, Zac?

Ugh, he's everywhere. Let's just go down to the dock.

Put that away, it's gross.

What? It's just my dick.

- You okay? - Yeah, sorry, he's just so...

goddamn annoying. Thanks.

I'm really sorry about the fight.

Yeah.

Hey, you like my dick, right?

It, uh... was actually my birthday,

and we're supposed to have a date that night,

but I guess he just... forgot.

- Hey, birthday girl. - Hey.

- Where's Chaz? - Uh, he had to take care

of some business for his dad.

He'll be here.

Uh huh.

Chaz. Hold on. One second, Dad.

Chaz.

Are you drunk?

You're, you're not drunk?

Wait, wait, wait, so let me get this straight.

You're calling me, on my birthday, to tell me that

you just banged Missy in the back of your car?

You know what? Fuck you.

- You okay? - Yeah, I just...

Hey, for the record,

no guy should ever treat you like that.

Come on, baby, you know I love you.

Oh, yeah right. Asshole.

I need a drink.

Hey just, ignore him.

Enjoy the high.

Thanks, Cowboy.

Cowboy? Really?

Can't help it, I'm sorry.

I guess this could really be the end of my dad's farm.

Yeah.

Could be.

Liquid gold, my boy.

Minded from the shaft...

Horse semen is not a laughing matter.

The answer's in the semen.

Oh, my God. Of course.

The answer's always in the semen.

- The semen, that's it! - Nate, are you alright?

For the first time in my life, I've concocted a scheme

that's not entirely self-serving.

When my dad left, I thought he was a bad guy, but he wasn't.

He was trying to do what he thought was right.

And I've come to realize that it's not about being perfect,

it's about getting up every day and at least fucking trying.

I'm not gonna lie to you, I have no clue

if this plan is going to work.

It may very well end up in flames.

But at least we did something.

Well, I guess they can't blame us for fucking trying.

Yep, here we go.

Shit, it's right there.

I think I saw a side door.

I think you're right.

Oh, you're right.

Well, that was too easy.

I think the coast is clear.

Holy shit, this place is too weird.

The cash is in the front.

Wait, wait, wait.

What the hell is that?

I don't know.

Looks like it could be important.

Looks like it needs a code.

You're just full of great tips, aren't you?

Actually, I think I know it.

How on earth would you know it?

Some people can be so smart, yet so, so dumb.

69 69.

What the fuck?

I think I know what this.

Oh, Shit.

You got this, Judge.

It's good thing we used extra oil.

Okay. This isn't going to be easy.

Right foot blueberry.

Aw, shit.

Ah.

Fuck. Code red!

Code red! Alert! Alert!

What is it? Shit, is it my boyfriend?

Wait, you have boyfriend?

My top secret horse semen lair has been compromised,

which means law enforcement is probably on their way.

So let's get the fuck out of here.

I got warrants.

So what do we do now, sis?

Drop the sister act. It's gross.

- So... - Okay, well, what he said.

- Let's get the fuck outta here. - Okay.

Okay, you guys take off.

I'll meet you at the Great Barrington Holiday Inn.

I got the mat. You take the spiny thing.

Go. Go, go, go, go.

Are you going to be okay?

Well, I'm wanted by the law and I'm dead broke.

But I've got a song in my heart and the music in my soul.

So long suckers. I also got... this.

Five million dollars of illegal horse semen.

- I forgot my keys. - Ooh.

Prius, right?

Yes.

Yes.

Who dares steals

from my secret semen lair?

- Shit, the cops, too? - Okay, actually?

I don't know if we're going to get murdered or end up

in jail but I just wanted to let you know,

I've had the best time getting to know you.

Hope that's not the last time I get to do that.

I have a feeling it won't be.

We know you're in there.

Come out with your hands above your heads.

Fuck... Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck.

- Nate, chill. - Chill?

The police are outside and there's a semen psycho in here

probably trying to kill us. How am I supposed to chill?

So, don't hate me, but...

- I didn't trust your plan. - Huh?

The police are sort of our back up.

- You, you know them? - Mm-hmm.

- We just go outside then, or...? - Sure.

Alright, step out slowly with your hands above your heads.

- Woah, what the fuck? - Woah, woah. Stand down.

- Your stepmom's a cop? - Oh, yeah.

- Can I put my hands down? - Yes, you can.

- There they are. - Freeze.

Those are the demons who tried to steal my horse semen money.

Come here.

So, you're the sick guy with the semen lair.

Even if I were, you couldn't prove it.

There's literally so much semen...

But you can't tie us directly to it. We are innocent.

Ow, ow! Ow, ow!

Bennett, Barnes, raid the place.

Yeah, you can go. You can go.

Please, please. You guys don't know how hard this work is.

I mean, a horse like Fritz is literally...

Wait, what did you just say?

- I said a horse like Fritz is... - That's my dad's horse.

That's why he's been acting off.

Wait a minute. You're telling me

that all your semen money...

comes from your horse?

Fritz's semen is liquid gold. You would've done

the same thing. We just thought of it first.

- You are despicable. - Hmm!

And you three are a creepy looking trio.

There is so much cash in there.

And there's a lot of test tubes

full of what's most likely semen.

- Cuff 'em. - Hey, hey, hey.

What the fuck is this? Hey!

Fuck you! Oh, God!

- Oh, man! - Nathaniel.

I bought you a delicious Berkshire brew

from Berkshire Brewing Company, established in 1994.

25 years family owned, and this is how you repay me?

Listen, I am so sorry this happened to your family.

But you know, if it's any consolation,

theoretically, all that cash belongs to your father.

Looks like your dad's not losing the farm.

Well, it is his liquid gold, after all.

- Thank you so much. - You're welcome.

Don't worry. Where you boys are going,

there's going to be a lot of semen.

Yo, fuck you!

Oh, I'm sorry about everything, Fritzy.

You're going to get so many apples and carrots,

you won't even know what to do about it.

- My lady. - Oh, brother.

Thank you, they're beautiful.

Don't ever call me m'lady again.

Yeah, it felt wrong. I definitely won't.

Ready for some country livin'?

I mean, I have the boots.

Nice.

I still can't believe you called for backup.

I admired your passion, but this case

was a little too important to leave it up to chance.

Chance? I had a solid plan.

Oh, yeah, okay. Solid.

I kissed you, didn't I?

You don't remember kissing me?

I may have blacked out for a moment.

Remember now?

I may need one more to reminder.

I'm gonna be sick

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull