All language subtitles for The.Boss.Wife.1986.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX].en

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Pick up for Keefer.

He didn't leave anything.

Maybe I'm supposed
to go up and get it.

Some of these guys get a
little weird on deposit days.

Your name?

Eddie Vitelli from
the sperm bank.

Yeah?

Uh, Mr. Keefer,
do you have something

for an Eddie Vitelli?

Huh? Who?

Uh, what are you here
to pick up?

Mr. Keefer, you got
a load of sperm for me?

I'm double-parked.

Huh?

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. Remember?

From doctor's express.

You were supposed
to abstain for 3 weeks.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
right. 7:30.

Gee, I'm sorry.
I was, uh, sleeping.

Look, if it's not in the cup
and ready to roll,

you gonna have
to bring it in yourself.

No, no,
that's impossible.

Why do you think
I'm sending it by messenger?

Well, let me take
a wild guess.

Is it because you got
a low sperm count,

you can't get your wife
pregnant the regular way?

I'm, uh, I-I'll, look,
I'll be right down, ok?

No dice. If it's not
in the cup and ready to roll-

no, i-it's in the cup.

Yeah, it's-it's, uh,
it's ready to roll.

Good. Then I'll come up
and get it.

Uh, o-ok, yeah. Come on up.

Sterilized cups.

Hey, Janet. Janet.

Honey? Hon?
No.

Honey, where are
the sterilized cups?

Leave me alone, Joel.

I thought we made up.

Then why'd you sleep
in there?

I fell asleep working.
Today's my presentation.

Bullshit, Joel.

You slept in there
so we wouldn't have to touch.

Well, we would have been
in big trouble

if we had touched
last night.

You could have done
somethin' for me.

And risk everything?

On the very last night
we have to abstain?

I'm just glad it's over.

I couldn't take
much more of this.

Well, now comes
the easy part.

Yeah, easy for you.

You don't have
to go through the pregnancy,

the birth, the breast-feeding
at the office.

Honey, where are the...

Breast-feeding
at the office?

I don't want you breast-feeding
anyone at the office.

Not anyone.

I'd put restrictions
on who was entitled.

Or do you think
I was gonna hire a goat?

No, I thought you were
gonna work at home.

My publisher
didn't go for it.

But she said it was ok for me
to breast-feed at the office.

Well, that defeats
the whole purpose.

The baby's supposed
to bring US closer together.

If you think I'm gonna retire
to have this baby...

I never said retire.

This is the worst possible
time to discuss this.

I need to know where
the sterilized cups are.

Are you gonna do this now?

Yes, but I need to know
where the sterilized cups are.

Let me think.

In the little bathroom.

Can I do anything for you?

I hate to give you the bum's rush,
but I can't keep

the messenger waiting.
What messenger?

You're sending by messenger?

I got no choice.
Today is a killer day.

He's gonna be here
waiting while...

Just stall him one minute.

Stall him? How?

I don't know. One minute!
Maybe less.

Oh. Is the man
of the house around?

He's, um,
he's in the bathroom.

I knew it. I always get
the guys with the problems.

Oh, believe me, my husband
does not have a problem.

So, what am I, waiting?
Tell him I'm double-parked.

I really don't think
that's gonna help, do you?

I'm not here to help.
I'm here to bring.

Come on in.

Thank you.

H-H-He'll be with you
in a minute.

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, sure.
I heard that one before.

And you know what happens?
Niente.

Some of these guys need instructions,
for cryin' out loud.

You want instructions?
I tell 'em,

you take-a-your pants
and your shorts

and you Jack-it off.

And you know what happens?
Niente.

Yeah, well, 5 dollars says
my husband is not niente.

You serious?

What's the matter?

You afraid to put your money
where your mouth is?

Well, well, wait a second.

How do I know you two
don't do this all the time?

Sure, sure. Then he comes out of
the head with his works in a cup.

And I'm out five bucks.

I promise you
we've never done it before.

Ok. But the clock started

when you first said it,
which puts US 20 seconds in.

And counting,
21, 22, 23, 24...

What is it?

Honey, the man
is double-parked.

Hey, hey, what's up?
She helpin'?

No fair.
I can't do this now.

Niente!

He's a fruitcake or what?

Why can't you?

Because it's about
as sexy as the preakness.

You said keep him busy.
What was I to do?

Today is a horrendous day for me.
I thought this was easy.

But I'm gonna have to come by the
doctor's office on my lunch break.

Just like I was tellin'
your doorman.

With some guys,
it's like pullin' teeth.

With other guys...

You know what I mean?

Huh, yeah.
Here you go.

Maybe you two can go for
double or nothing at lunch.

There's a lot of tension
in here.

Want my advice?
You two go someplace peaceful.

Do it on the natch.

I'm late.

Later.

Give it to Ted.
Thank you.

Ye-yes, ma'am. Yes.
I'm recommending that you sell.

Mrs. Habberman,
no, I don't think so.

It's haberman. Haberman.
Haberman. I'm sorry.

I want to keep this.
Sorry.

I don't understand why I should sell?
No.

It doesn't make sense to me.

Because their assets
are vulnerable right now.

Vulnerable?
Just how vulnerable?

They're, uh...

Hello?
...Very vulnerable.

What am I, small potatoes?

No, ma'am, no.

Believe me, it's not because
you only have 5 shares.

No, you're just as important
as any of my...

Well, I hope so,

because, I don't want to be treated
this way. Now, listen. Oh, my god.

I want to keep...

Mrs. Habberman,
I'm gonna have to call you back.

It's haberman!

No, no, I won't sell anything
without talking to you.

Marge, Marge,

all I want to know
is whether I'm invited.

If I'm not, I'm sure
there's a reason.

I'd like to know
the reason.

Is that so much to ask?
Thank you.

Suddenly, no one knows whether
this year's company weekend is on.

Frankly, I'd just as soon
not go,

but if you're not invited,

it says something about
your stature around here.

Harry, Harry, chipwits
is down another point.

So, you want
to be an analyst?

Well, should i- should I
cancel my presentation?

Big mistake. You don't cancel
your first at bat.

Yeah, but I can't
recommend a loser.

This isn't about chipwits,
this is about you

and what kind of impression
you make on roalvang.

Some impression.

Chipwits has dropped
2-and-a-half points in 2 days!

You're not hearing me, friend.

Roalvang doesn't
focus on numbers.

He's focused on images.
How you handle yourself,

how you dress,
how you comb your hair.

Speaking of which,
this is all wrong.

Roalvang likes it combed flat.
Flat.

Not all over the place!
Take it.

Uh, I got- I got one,
uh, at my desk.

Use it.

Appearance is everything
to roalvang.

But it's not going to help me if I
don't recommend the right stock.

Oh, no?

Meet Tony dugdale.

Oh, yeah, I know him.
They call him Tony terrific.

Hmm. Terrific.

He knows
how to analyze stock

like Dr. Ruth
can slam dunk.

He must have done somethin'
right to get out of the bullpen.

Style.

He was the first to wear a
colorful pocket handkerchief.

And look at the hair. Flat.

Flat.

You look skeptical.

Let me tell you something
about roalvang.

But first, let's go
where we can talk.

When roalvang's father
ran the operation,

there were
still people here.

Competence was
the standard then.

Now, it's more important
to find people without flaws.

I don't know where
he finds them all.

I suppose he does
a lot of recruiting in here.

Take my advice, kiddo.

Rising up this organization

is easier than you ever
dreamed possible.

But you have to be
on roalvang's wave length.

How do I get
on his wave length?

Don't pack your presentation
with facts and figures.

That's all I have.
I mean, I s-stayed up nights.

What else do you
analyze stock with?

Facts and figures
confuse him.

You're telling me that the c.E.O.
Of a major brokerage house

is confused
by information?

Hard to believe,
isn't it?

With all due respect,
Harry, I don't think

anybody could be that
simple-minded and run a huge...

So, uh, so what do I do?

I mean, all I have is facts
and figures.

Turn 'em into
charts and graphs.

Ok.
And one more thing.

I want you to wear
this pin on your lapel.

Oh, no, Harry.
I'll keep the hair flat.

You only get one chance
at a first impression.

If he's gonna take you,

let him tag you
with something positive.

You'll see it
for yourself.

He gets that certain gleam
in his eye

when an image registers.

Thanks, Harry.

Don't thank me.

Why is everybody always thanking me?
It isn't necessary.

I wouldn't wear that star
if they gave me the place.

I don't want it done in 5 minutes.
I want it done now. Is that clear?

Well, r.H.
This is a stroke of luck.

Joel keefer, I'd like you
to meet Mr. Roalvang.

How do you do, sir.

Fine, fine.

Keefer is bullish
on chipwits.

He's going to address the board
today for the first time.

Wonderful.
Looking forward to it.

Some of US
old fogies think

we have a rising
young star in Joel keefer.

Rising young star, is he?

Well, if that's true,
you might want to give up smoking.

It's a filthy habit.

Well, this morning,
we'll be talking

about the state
of the market in general.

The, uh,
price of the current rates are really...

Yes, the dollar is dropping,

and yes, it's supposed
to make American-made goods

more attractive
to the American consumer,

but, frankly, I don't see it.

Certainly not in the area
of household appliances,

an area where I enjoy a
certain modicum of expertise.

Thank you very much.

Now the Americans
are buying foreign.

They're still,
for some reason,

equating imported
with better.

Uh, where do you
stand on chipwits?

Chipwits?
Chipwits appliances?

I just heard that chipwits
looked good for the 3rd quarter.

Well, um, I can't agree.

As I said, the consumers
are buying foreign,

and chipwits is American.
Isn't it?

Uh, Marge, uh, who was it...
Uh, someone was touting chipwits?

I don't believe
I heard that, sir.

Yes? Is that a pencil?

Yes, it is. I recommended
the, uh...

Chipwits.

Oh, yes, of course.
The smoker.

Why don't you stand up
and tell US who you are?

I'm, uh, Joel keefer.

And you're bullish
on chipwits, are you?

Yes, I am. Ju...

Speak up, smokey.
No one's going to bite you.

What's your posture?

Bullish, Mr. Witshits.

Sir.

Uh, well, then, how do you
explain your optimism

in the face of what
Mr. Dugdale has just said?

Uh, well, I...
We disagree.

Oh, what an asshole.

Excellent. Why don't you both
slug it out for US?

Thank you, sir.

Oh, boy.
The first one to holler ole gets the ears.

Joe. It is Joe, isn't it?

Joel.

Joel.

You come from the bullpen,
do you not?

Yes.

That was tough
to figure out.

Joel, selling stocks
to the public is one thing.

Analyzing requires
extensive research.

I suppose you did extensive
research on chipwits.

Yes.

Yeah, and it probably looks
real good on paper, doesn't it?

Yeah, isn't that fun?
Yeah, it is.

Joel.

Chipwits is just
one tiny company

in a vast economic scheme.

I wonder if you can tell US

what was last month's
trade deficit.

Uh, 12.7 billion.

Exactly. But...

But I wonder
if you can tell US

what the trade deficit was
for the entire year?

Uh-huh.

Yes, I can. Can you?

Well, certainly.

And it's enough to choke
the proverbial horse.

But let's get back
to the point at hand, Joel.

How can you be
so all-fired sure

that your little chipwits
can buck the trend?

I'm glad you asked.

You had him right then,
the minute you pulled your charts out.

Harry, I can't
thank you enough.

Oh, you're
starting that again.

Mr. Roalvang would like
to have lunch with you.

Oh, that would be...
I'd love to. Anytime.

Right now. This instant.
In his office.

No, not today.
Today is impossible, I'm sorry.

He'll be right up.

Are you crazy?

Lunch with roalvang
could change your whole life.

I have something important
to do today.

Whatever it is
can wait until tomorrow.

Hamburgers are
on the grill, sir.

Hamburgers?
I like hamburgers.

And I have some messages
for you.

Carol Chapman, b.B. Robbins,
Jack o'meara from the s.E.C.,

Curtis ling, and you got a call
from the gonzaga brothers.

They've located that waiter
who was staring at your wife.

Good. I've been lucky
with them. They do nice work

and Mr. Dugdale is
waiting in your office.

Where is smokey?
Tardy, I'm afraid.

Go find him.
He hangs out in that 3rd floor smokers' pit.

Yes, sir.

If he's there,
tell him to forget lunch.

I'm Joel keefer.
Mr. Roalvang is waiting.

How do I look?
Got a comb?

I'm Joel keefer.

Glad you managed
to get here.

Uh, sorry if I'm late.

I see you've,
uh, freshened up.

Close the door.

I believe you two
know each other.

Well, uh, not officially.
I'm Tony dugdale, analyst.

Hi.

Yes, well, uh, let's get
right to the point, uh...

Stutterman's dead.

A fact which, uh,

leaves me, uh, sad

and holding the bag
as it were,

in terms of a resorts
and leisure analyst.

Uh, sir, if you'll forgive me,

i-i think, for a resorts
and leisure analyst,

someone who has the gift
of a 2nd language

would certainly have a feather in his cap.
N'est ce pas?

Oh.

I didn't know that
you spoke French.

Yes.

Very good.
Yes.

Extraordinary.

Oh, thank you.

M-My wife
uh, and her family

also, French.

Yes!
In part. Half.

Yes.yes.
Half. Yes.

Uh, now I could
either, uh,

look for someone,
um-um, outside the company

or I can develop
someone from within.

Well, within, of course.
In fact it's funny, you know,

I said to my wife
this morning, suzi,

as we were
having breakfast, I said,

I have a funny feeling.
Today is going to be mon lucky jour?

I take it, uh, you would both
be interested in,

uh, competing
for the position.

Yes, sir.

Competing?

Sir, excuse me,
with all due respect

to the youngster
over here,

I am already an analyst and
he is still in the bullpen.

Ahem, as of today,
he's out of the bullpen.

Whoa.

Uh, what?

Whoa.

Whoa?

Yes, yes, yes,
of course.

The fact is
you both have, uh,

uh, qualities, uh,
which are suited to fit the position.

Uh, you have a certain...

Something that could
easily mix, uh,

in the hospitality
and, uh, leisure community.

The napkins are supposed to be
in the caboose! God damn it!

I mean,
that's a big plus.

Mmm-hmm.

But I also need someone who knows
how to collect information,

and uh, decipher trends,
uh, quickly.

I must say I was
very impressed indeed

with your, uh, grasp
of-of information.

Thank you.

But I...

Uh,

quite frankly,
I don't know whether

you'd fit in...

Panache-wise.

Yes?

Sir, one of the gonzaga
brothers has a question.

Give me a second.

Now, I, uh, think I'd want
to get to, uh, know you both.

So, why don't the two of you come
down for the, uh, company weekend?

The company weekend.

Sir, I have been waiting for this
for a long, long time.

That's a place where we go,
some of US, uh, every year,

to evaluate the, uh,
company's important business matters

in a relaxed environment away from
the hustle and bustle of the office.

Can we, uh,
bring our wives?

Certainly.

Well, that's what
it's all about. We're family.

Family.

We'll leave tonight at 8:00.

8:00? Barely gives me
time to Polish my gloves.

You can do that on the train.
Track 17. Union station.

Thank you for lunch, sir.

Janet?

Hon?

Honey!

Janet, are you here?

Jan.

*

Hi, this is Joel.

Janet and I
are out right now,

but if you'd like
to leave a message,

uh, just wait for the beep.
Here it comes.

I was hoping you were home.

My office said
you'd been trying to call.

Honey, I'm at Carlos's studio and
I'll be working pretty late tonight.

I hope everything went well
with your meeting.

And, of course,
with your little lunch break.

I can't wait to get home.
Janet, don't hang up!

I love you.

Janet!

Damn it.

Carlos. Carols.

This is Carlos.
Fuck you, man.

Yeah, uh, uh, uh, yeah,
this is Joel keefer, Janet's husband.

Janet?

Janet, I know you're there.
You just called me.

Pick up, please!

Look, it's very important you
get to union station by 8:00...

You wait here
I'll be right back.

The meter's running, pal.

Aw, geez, interrupting
my work.

So?

Are-are you Carlos?

No. Are you?

Uh, i'm, uh,
I'm looking for my wife.

I'm-I'm Joel keefer.

Hey, how'd you
get my address, man?

Oh, you Carlos?

No, are you?

Uh, i'm, uh,
I'm Joel keefer.

I'm looking for my wife.
Janet keefer.

Hey. Nice ass, man.

I heard you two like to do it
during the David letterman show.

Down, down, down, tightass!
Down, down!

Hey, where you going?

Is she here?

She's in there,
but you can't go in.

In there?
You can't go in there, man.

It's a darkroom.
Janet? Honey?

Don't let
any light-

What are you
doing here?

I've been trying
to find you all day.

Don't you tell
your office where you are?

We were
all over town.

Here it comes. No serious damage.
You are lucky man.

Honey, I got some good...
Carlos, it's wonderful.

Carlos is doing a book for US
called the face of anger.

Ah!
His technique is

to get people angry and
photograph their reactions.

This is
the Russian ambassador.

He was in town for
a public relations seminar.

Carlos, I still don't see how it's possible
to get a total stranger this angry.

You gotta use psychology.

I told him gorbachev
likes Nicaraguan pussy.

You haven't told me
what you're doing here.

Huh? Oh! Oh!
I got some good news. Come here.

I was promoted today.
I'm now officialy an analyst.

Oh, honey.

Oh.

That's the job you wanted,
isn't it?

Of course
it's the job I wanted.

Well, good.
So that's good.

Good? It's great.

I-i-i-i might even get the,
uh, the stutterman portfolio.

Oh, boy!

And that's not all.

We've been invited to the
company weekend in palm Springs.

When?

Well, n-n-now. Actually, I got a cab
outside waiting to take US to the station.

That's a joke, right?

I-i mean, you-you can't expect me
to take off for the weekend now.

Hey, no way, man.
We got a deadline.

Hey, do you mind?
This is between me and my wife.

Do I mind?

I know it's short notice,

but I took care
of everything.

I even packed you
a little suitcase.

You what?

Jesus, this clown's
got bowling balls.

Hey, watch it, you.

Keep smiling
and he won't bother you.

Smiling?
You are so ugly, man.

You're falling into his trap.
He'll say anything for an angry face.

By the way,
how's your mother?

Don't answer.
Carlos, watch your mouth, ok?

I was only asking
about his mother.

This trip could be
very important to me.

There's no way I can go, Joel.
I just have too much work.

Do you know how many
people at my level

get to go
on the company weekend?

Then go.

I'm happy for you.
What do you need me for?

Because Mr. Roalvang makes
judgments on appearances.

What am I going to tell him
when you're not there?

I am not an ornament, Joel.

If you need an ornament,
take a Teddy bear.

Take raisa-fucking-gorbachev,
man.

Carlos, that's enough!

We're not out
on the street now.

This is my husband!

Never mind, Carlos.
He's a workaholic.

This is your career?
This is what you do on the street?

You walk around with
some slimeball photographer

and insult strangers
in the name of art?

Now who's being insulting?

How'd you like me
to barge into your office

and call your colleagues slimeballs?
Colleague? A slimeball?

Hey, wait a minute, man.
I could take that as an insult.

You're my editor.

Are you going to let this pendejo defame me,
man?

He's not a slimeball.

He's an artist.

A great artist.

Look, if we could just
talk alone for a second

away from your,
uh, colleague.

Oh, no, man, it's cool.
You can talk in front of me.

Your old lady and me,
we tell each other everything.

In your dreams, Carlos.

Oh, yeah? Don't I know what
you think of your publisher?

No.

And why you
can't have no baby?

You're a pig, Carlos.

Yeah? And what else?

Tell my husband you're lying
through your slimeball teeth!

Oh, that's right, man,
I forgot. I'm lying.

Oh, you look beautiful.

Lick-lick your lips. Mmm.

Yeah, baby.
Don't your lips look nice?

Hey, careful, man.
It's a nikon.

No! Oh, shit, man.

Now it's a nikon
with yogurt on it.

Honey, that was great.
That was great.

You really showed him.

Hey, it's getting late.
We better get going.

Where?

We're taking the train.
The train leaves in an hour.

I still have work to do.

Then do it.

I will.

Yeah, and good luck
with your career.

The northwest flier,
train number 14,

service from Minneapolis
to des moines,

Cheyenne, and salt lake city

now arriving at track 7.

This is Carlos.
Fuck you, man.

Charming, Carlos.
Charming.

Janet, are you there?

Are you in the darkroom there with your,
uh, your colleague?

Look, please pick up.

Honey, look,
I'm really sorry about before.

I mean it.
I am really sorry,

but we can't lose sight of-of-of
why we're going through all this.

The baby.

Janet, please.

Look, we're together
for some pretty basic reasons.

Uh...

Uh, hello?
J-J-Janet? Joel keefer.

Look, I'll be getting off
in a minute.

I mean, off the,
uh, the phone.

I'm not waiting
for the phone.

Yeah, uh-uh... I'm sorry.
Honey, what were you sayin'?

Yeah, but there are 2 trains
to palm Springs.

There's the information booth.
Why don't you ask?

I'll be right back.

I'll meet you here.
Don't move.

Excuse me, sir. You're gonna
have to get that dog outta here.

I'm gonna have to
get this dog outta here?

Yeah. Who do you think you are?
A cop, huh?

It's a misdemeanor.

Goes with a fine and maybe
a couple of days in jail.

A mister who?

Hey, is that badge
real, man?

Where did you get
that badge?

It's real, buddy.
Maybe your mother gave it to you

for cleaning your plate.

I'd like to meet
your mother.

What did you say
about my mother?

Hey, tightass,
ven aqui.

Uh, wrong car, my man.

We are in the private cars.

Darling, I'm sorry.
This is, um,

this is the, uh...

Oh, Tony's told me
so much about you.

Right.

Joel keefer.

Right, Joel keefer.

So, Joel,
where are your clubs?

Uh, i-i don't play.

Hey, put away
that nightstick.

That is your nightstick,
isn't it?

Stop that man.
Stop that man!

Hurry up, tightass.
If he catches you he's going to...

Come back here! Hey!

What's going on?

Tightass, go on the train.
I'll meet you later.

Halt! Halt!

Come back here!

Hey, copper, haven't you ever
heard of the fit for life diet?

Whoa. Whoa.

Oh, my god.

Oh, this is...

I'll-I'll fix that later.

Mr. Keefer?
This way, please.

But did we buy or sell?

Is that good? Good.

Ah.

Nobody told me
this was black tie.

You'll pardon my saying, sir.

There's still a half hour
before dinner.

Can't wait.

Could I have a soda,
please?

I see a few new faces.

Uh, Louise and I, uh,
just wanted to welcome you.

Out of the way, man.
Out of the way!

Holy maricone!

We find
that doing business

in a casual
and relaxed environment

surrounded by our colleagues
as well as our loved ones

gives US a perspective
that is just, uh,

absolutely invaluable.
Keefer!

Keefer!

Hey, hey, shh. I know you'll find
it both productive and enjoyable.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Uh, yes, enjoyable.

Louise and I...

Huh?

...certainly do.

And, uh, we'll be planning
to spend some time

with each and every one of you
personally and individually.

Thank you, sir.

Now, ahem,

if I may be so bold. Suzy.

My wife Suzy and I
are two of the new faces

that you so eloquently
described a moment ago.

And I think we would be
very remiss in our duties

if we didn't raise
the first glass of bubbly,

which I believe is a '60? '61?

Am I right?

We could talk about that,
couldn't we?

I think we should raise it
to the roalvangs, our hosts.

Don't you agree?

Tightass?

Did you see a dog running
around with a red bandana?

Who are you? Don't you know
these are private cars?

Put your skirt down.

Keep your shorts on,
professor.

I'm just looking for my...
Oh, keefer. My god!

Oh, thank god I am alive.

I was just
with your old lady.

And there were two trains
to palm Springs.

And she got on
the other one, man.

Hey, nice do.

What are you doing here?

I don't want you here.

Is that gratitude, man?

I risk my life
for you, man.

I am the one who told
your wife to come here.

Without me
you would be up shit's creek.

As opposed to here.

Smokey, do you know
this fellow?

Oh, not intimately, no.

Oh, bullshit,
on date nut bread, man.

I bent over backwards
for you, man.

Oh, Jesus.

Listen,
I am sorry about what happened before, ok?

There was a lot of hositility between US,
which I promoted.

I admit it.

But that was only because I
was taking those photographs.

Photographs.

Oh, and by the way,
Holmes,

they are developed
and they are gangbusters.

Man, they are brilliant.
Worth millions.

Get me security. I want this
creature out of here this instant.

Yes, sir.
I wouldn't touch it, sir.

Do you think I would?

Uh, I mean
as a legal matter.

A legal matter?

2 years ago,
a middle-level executive at metropolitan

was awarded 6 figures in
a sexual discrimination suit.

6 figures?

But they're taking pictures,
for Christ sake! Goodness.

Well, as counsel
for the company,

I advise you not to treat him
any differently

than any other employee.

If anything,
I'd be a little nicer,

just to play it safe.

How about if I asked him
to dance? Would that help?

I'm sorry, sir.
I don't know.

Oh.

I never would
have believed it.

Flamers.

How can you cut your hair now?
This is a business trip.

Um, um, um, look-
look-look here, uh,

uh, there's still time
to freshen up.

Why don't you
ask your, uh, friend

to, uh, join US
for dinner?

Oh, I don't think so.

Hey, great, man.
I could eat a fucking moose.

We'll be back in a minute.

Yeah, we'll be right back
for dinner.

Why didn't you board
the private cars

before we left?

Look, I'm just trying
to find my husband.

I'm sure you could
let me through.

No. Not without a ticket,
I can't.

These are private cars.

Uh, I have a ticket
here somewhere.

Here it is.

I didn't think you had it.

I don't usually do this.

Yeah. Me, either.

Where do you get
these clothes, man?

They're so boring.

I gotta take you
to downtown L.A.

And teach you
how to shop.

Oh, good, Carlos,
give me some dress tips.

Hey. I don't
have to be here, man.

I'm only doing this
to try and help you.

You want to help? Die.

Ow!

Honey! Oh.

Joel.

Hey, baby.
Carlos.

How are you?
I thought you were on the other train.

No.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

I really am.

Aw, that's nice.

Hey, tightass.
We'll be just in time.

They're gonna serve dinner
in about 5 minutes.

5 minutes?

Oh, Joel,
i, uh, forget it.

I can't put...

All taken care of.

Do you mind?

This is such a good sign
that you're here.

This is going to send me
right over the top.

Oh, good.
I can't lose with you here.

Come on, man.
Chow is on.

Look, we'll meet you
in the dining car presently.

It's up the other way, ok?

Oh, great,
I'll wear a baseball mitt.

You put a lot of thought
into this, huh?

It was dark.

Hey, look, I'll tell you what.
I'll tell you what.

We skip dinner and, uh,

I'll buy you
a whole new set of clothes

when we get
to the resort, huh?

How's that sound?

What were you thinking of?

Dinner.

Good evening, garcon.
Good evening.

Andrew Jackson suggested
that we could sit

as close as possible
to the roalvangs.

I'm terribly sorry.

The seating has
been pre-arranged.

Yes, I understand.
But you see, uh,

that's all the cash
I brought with me.

You do take plastic,
don't you?

Plastic?
Yeah.

I'm sorry.
This is your table.

Yeah, but the roalvang's table is
way the hell down there in duckbert.

Be seated, please.

I'd have to charter a flight
to get there.

Yes, as always.
Uh, this is your table.

This way, please.

Look, why don't you
wait with Janet.

I'll bring you both back
some dinner if I can.

Excuse me, but your boss,
he invited both of US to dinner, man.

Not just you.

That's 'cause he thought
we were friends.

We are friends.
We're not!

You know,
you can kiss my Johnson, man.

You'd probably like that,
wouldn't you?

Ok, look. You want
to be friends?

Just don't embarrass me, ok?

Ah, monsieur keefer
and your special friend.

He can kiss my Johnson.

This way, please.

Ah, well.

Well.

Well.

Well.

Well.

Well, smokey.

Uh, have you met my wife?

Hello. Hi.

Ah. Smokey, huh?

Ah, no. Not really.

And this is
his special friend, uh...

Holy mother.

Carlos.

Carlos?

That's right.
Yeah. Uh, Carlos.

Carlos.
Sit.

It's not right, Suzy.

It's not what god wants.

*

Well, isn't this,
uh, enjoyable?

Did you find your doggie?

Oh, the do- the dog, yeah.

The dog is, uh,
in the compartment.

Oh, yeah.
He's in the compartment. Yeah.

I bet it's a nice doggie.

What's her name?

His name. Tightass.

Well, how the hell
was I supposed to know?

Can I bring you
anything to start?

Oh, yeah,
as a matter of fact,

my, uh, my buddy here he would
like a blow-me sandwich.

I beg your pardon?

Blow-me. Open-face.

Hold my salami.

No, no, no.

None of your post-Pullman
sleeper business.

I'm-I'm talking about
when sleepers were sleepers.

And it was-
it was then that...

...That I realized

the only deep sleep
I ever got

was after
a long train ride.

And from then on,

I never could get trains
out of my system.

That is fascinating, sir.

It really is.

But my hand-crafted models
are the most fascinating.

Fascinating.

You should see the pair
I've got at home.

I'll bet.

Mint condition.

Hmm.

Never been touched. Yeah.

Now don't you
get me wrong.

They're not just
lionels, either.

I mean, my other models,
some are from, uh,

Turkey, and, uh,
and the- and the orient.

Oh, yeah,
they're my pride and joy- pride and joy.

Oh, I've got everything
from the Baltimore badger

to the Casablanca
belle istanbullet.

Won first prize at munchen
for those things.

Or as, uh, some Americans
say, Munich.

That's in Germany.

I almost forgot dugdale's
the linguist, isn't he?

Anyhow we made
quite an impression.

Beauties.

Unbelievable.

Jimminey.

I wouldn't know
what they'd fetch today.

In today's market.

...of all the tea in China.
Absolutely priceless.

But you're not going
to get me to sell 'em.

No.
No, siree, Bob.

No.

I mean, would it be worth it?

What would be the point? Huh?

Huh? Huh? Huh?

Ah, amazing!

What is?

Trains. Trains. Oh, I...

They...

They go and they stop
and, uh,

the process just seems
to repeat itself.

Over and over.
It is just amazing.

Yes, that's, uh,
putting it mildly.

Darling, I'm getting wet.

Why on earth
are you getting wet?

Did I say wet?
Oh, I'm sorry.

Uh, I meant tired.

Tired is a far cry
from wet.

I mean,
there's-there's wet

and-and-and
there's tired.

Lovely seeing you.

Oh, my pleasure.
Hey, no bullshit.

I am a photographer
and i-

thank you so much.

No, no, it's-it's been
very, very pleasant,

uh, very pleasant.

And, uh, nothing different
than I do

for any of my people,

I assure you.
Thank you.

Thanks for dinner, pop.

One thing I gotta say about
your boss' old lady.

She sure wakes up the beast
in my trousers.

I don't want you anywhere near her.
Do you understand?

She takes chances.
I like that.

Risk is what turns her on.

I don't know
what you're talkin' about.

Oh, yeah?
And what is that?

Grauman's Chinese tit?

And I suppose that wasn't
her leg between your legs?

You're seeing things.
Look, just leave me alone.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

It wasn't her leg
between your legs.

Do you know
what it was?

Your dong wears
an ankle bracelet!

Hey, man,
don't turn sensitive on me.

I'm just trying to make a point, man.
Wait up, huh?

Keefer. Keefer, man.

No need
to deny it, Holmes.

I saw it
with my own eyes.

That bitch was coming
onto US, man.

Hi.

Hi.

I hate it
when we fight.

Me, too.

Those were the longest
3 weeks of my life.

Oh, you're
telling me.

I should have
been there with you today

for your
little lunch date.

Why?

To inspire you.

No need.

The charts and graphs
did the trick.

Charts and graphs?

Yeah. Roalvang
really thought

it was quite
a performance.

Are we talking about
the same thing?

Y-You did go to the sperm bank today,
didn't you?

Oh, no. I couldn't.

Why not?

Well, it was- it was
an incredible day.

You know, actually,

it's kind of funny
what happened.

Your priorities
change by the hour!

That's no way
to have a baby.

What do you mean?
I want a baby!

Today it interfered
with lunch!

Today's lunch
was crucial!

As long as I make
the sacrifices,

you want a kid.
Is that it?

What are you
talking about?

That's not what I want.

You're a mess, Joel!

You don't know
what you want.

I'm going home!

Hey, there's
a bar in here

and a phone,
and a v.C.R., man.

Who are
you calling?

Hey, what number is
the roalvang car?

I gotta call
Mrs. Roalvang.

Give me that!

Is there a law against
me talking to Mrs. Roalvang?

Yes! Look, you just stay away from her,
you got that?

My survival
is at stake.

God, look at
the size of this place.

Hi, this is Joel.

Janet and I
are out right now,

but if you'd like
to leave a message, uh,

just wait for the beep.

Here it comes.

Look, Janet, I know
you're there, pick up, please!

Honey, I think we just had a
bad couple of days. That's all.

We're gonna be much better once we
get back on track. Now, I love-

tightass,
stay away from me!

Who is it?

Knock, knock.

Sorry, wr-wrong door.

I guess the locks
don't work.

Well, there's no chance we'll be
peeping at you, is there, honey?

Better take
the curlers out.

They might get
the wrong idea.

Sit! Sit!

Yeah, you can just put
that shit on the table.

Let's see.
You got the caviar,

the eggs mcbenedict,
whatever you call it...

Hungry?

Hey, man, you can't
run on empty all day.

Don't worry about it.
I got it, it's on me.

Besides, the steaks
are for tightass.

Oh, wait a minute.

I need this
for my records.

Thanks a lot.

Thank you,
Mr. Kissoff.

Hey, you deserve it, pal.

Go buy yourself
some land in Miami.

All right,
now you're gonna find out

about the next train
out of here today, right?

Yeah, man, I would have
gone back with your lady

if she would have told me
what time she was leaving.

Oh, yeah, now look.

If she calls, I want you to tell
her I'll call her right back

as soon as I'm done with this
meeting with roalvang, ok?

So, you're gonna be tied up
with roalvang all morning?

I guess so. Why?

Just asking.

Have a good day,
sweetheart.

I'll miss you.

Yes?

I thought, uh, that-that-that
you had a meeting with keefer.

Uh, s-smokey.

Huh?

It's your special, um...

Whatever the hell he is.

Oh, how you doing, man?

What are you
doing here?

Hey, I gotta be honest
with you.

I-i came to see
Mrs. Roalvang.

Mrs. Roalvang?

What on earth for?

Again, I gotta be
honest with you.

I am a massage therapist,

and since you two
are so nice to me,

I thought that
I could be nice to you

and give your wife
a rubdown.

Well, that's-that's-
that's very...

I thought you were
a photographer.

That is also true.

But, as a photographer,

I sometimes have
to loosen people up

because they get very stiff.

I got so good at it
that I turned pro.

If this wasn't a special
friend of yours, i'd...

Just a second.
I'll ask her.

What are you doing?

What are you trying
to pull here?

I'm really sorry, man.

I know I made a big mistake.

I-i didn't know you'd be here.
No harm, no foul, man.

I'll just be leaving you to your
business and then I'll just go.

That's not a bad idea.

You've caught her
at a perfect time.

She was just getting out
of the shower.

Well, that is a perfect time.

Uh, unfortunately, uh,

he forgot his...

Table.

Table?

Oh, no, I never
use a table.

Tightens up the lumbanoids.

What's a lumbanoid?

That's a
good question.

To tell you
the god's honest truth,

I used to use a table,

but it broke

from a fat person.

She weighed 300 pounds,
at least.

Table just collapsed.

Killed my cat,
poor bastard.

That's awful.

Why? Do you like cats?

Ok.

I am decent.

Well,

I am decent, too.

So, I'll go take care
of Mrs. Roalvang,

and, uh, you two
finish your business.

Adios.

Where were we?

I hope you don't use
emollients or-

no, no,
bare hands only.

Uh, w-w-where was I?

Uh, you asked US to evaluate the resort,
sir.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Sit, sit, sit.

To evaluate the resort
in terms of occupancy,

its growth potential, uh,
clientele, expansion.

And you know, it's always been
my personal thought

that the more young people
you have,

the more potential
for growth,

uh, because, well,
the older people,

they-they seem to be, uh,

oh, boy, you know,
just so-so darn death-prone.

Oh?

Yes, well, you can put that
in your report if you like.

Uh, I want all of it,

just as you'd analyze
any stock.

Then I want a full and
complete prospectus.

This will be
an important test

of your aptitude

for hospitality industries
in general.

And, uh,

of course, will determine

Which of you will inherit
the stutterman portfolio.

Uh, uh, sir, excuse me.

This-this kind of
blue sky right now,

but-but i-i think that
the golf course out here

is gonna play
a very strategic part

in any such analysis
like that.

Because,
let's face it,

basically, that is what is bringing
the people to this darned place.

Am I right?

You tell me.

Yes, i-i suppose so.

And vis-a-vis golf, sir,

um, I'd sure like to shoot a couple
of rounds with you if I could, sir.

When you have the time.

Sure, sure, sure.

The associates meeting
doesn't take all day,

which is where
I have to be...

...5 minutes ago.

Oh, gee.
I am sorry, fellas.

Curt, please!

Bye, honeybun.

See you later.

Goodbye, Mrs. R.

Sir, I'll just go ahead
and, uh, book a tee-off time.

That way
we're not locked in.

And if you do have the time,
it'll be fabulous.

You look wonderful.
Thank you.

Good luck.

Hey, drive carefully.
That's very special cargo you got there.

Keep her under 55,
you hear me?

Bye. Thanks for
the quality time.

I'll be working on the report
if you need me, sir!

Joel, it occurs to me, you may not
even want that stutterman portfolio.

Of course I want it.
Oh.

Well, why do you say that?
Oh, no, no reason.

Very impressive
in there.

What was?

I was.

Keep up
the good work.

What the hell were you
trying to do in there?

She's a little bit confused right now.
She slapped you.

I'll have to give her some
time to think things through.

Forever,
'cause you're on the next train out of here

if I have to tie your tongue
to the caboose.

The next train is your train, man.
I already checked.

Yeah, well.
Look, I just-

just leave me alone
and Mrs. Roalvang, too.

Just get out of my life
and out of my room!

Hey, it's no skin
off my huevos, man

as long as I don't
got to pay for the room.

Come on.
I'll give you a lift.

Where'd you get this?

My cousin Miguel,

he owns a used car dealership
down the road.

Hey, where you going, man?

Oh, da madres.

Hello?

Hello, Janet?

Janet, is that you?
I love you, sweetie.

Smokey.

Who?

Mr. Roalvang would like to
see you in his bungalow

right away.

Right now?
I mean, it's...

It's 5:11 in the morning.

You know how my husband is
when he says jump.

Hi.
Good morning.

Nice to
see you again.

Is, uh,
Mr. Roalvang here?

Come this way.

Tell me, are you feeling
lucky tonight?

About the same
as always. No.

Well, maybe
that will change.

Do you want a drink
or something?

Uh, no.
No, thank you.

Thanks.

Is, uh...
Is Mr. Roalvang around?

He asked me
to entertain you.

By the way,
are you wearing a belt?

What?

Good.

What's good?

We'll play mockie poker.

Um, where, uh...

Where did
Mr. Roalvang go?

We'll ask him
when he returns.

Something wrong?

No! No, no.

They look shuffled.

I take 2 cards.

Oh, damn you,
you bastard!

I didn't, uh,
I didn't do anything.

Sure, take the high road
now that I'm half naked.

What?

Your deal.

Uh...

Maybe i- maybe I better
come back later.

I'm not really

very good at cards.

Oh.

I got
something for you.

If you feel like
a bite.

Fine over here.

You know, I would feel
more comfortable

if you put
the-the robe back on.

Oh?

You don't like it
this way?

Oh, believe me,

very becoming.

And I'm not
just saying that.

Mmm, this was not going
to be a meeting.

Take me, smokey.

M-Mrs. Roalvang?

Mrs. Roalvang.

Look, I just want to
make it clear

that nothing
of a sexual nature

is...

Beautiful sunrise, smokey.

And even if it did,

you know,

in an unofficial capacity,

it wouldn't mean
anything disparaging

to my wife.

My sweet angel.

My tiny little bird.

No. No, not the tie.

Not until we know
each other better.

No.

No!

Mrs. Roalvang,
keep it down.

What was that?
Uh-oh.

What is that?

It's my husband.
He has asthma.

He will kill me if he knew
I told anyone.

You know it's because
he hates imperfections,

but he has them.
We all do.

It doesn't really matter

oops!

Oh, my god!

No!

Are you crazy?
Oh, I want you!

What, dear?
Oh!

Don't go!

What would you
have me do?

We're not
finished yet.

You are nuts,
sister!

Don't move.
I'll scream.

Everything all right, dear?

Oh, excuse me one second.

Yes.

Everything's fine,
darling.

Carlos was right.

You have a need
to get caught.

Oh, do you think so?

Maybe I'm just attracted

to men who resist.

No, come back! Please!

Shh! Shh!
Don't go!

Don't go!
I swear I'll scream.

I swear I'll scream!

You!

Stop!

Freeze!

You! Freeze!

You're dead meat, fella.

Stop!

Morning.

Oh, my goodness.

Who is it?

Who's there?

Smokey.

Mr. Roalvang,
please let me explain.

You weren't anywhere near my
bungalow just now, were you?

What would make you
think that I was?

I saw a man wearing a blue shirt,
shorts, and a tie.

What kind of tie?

Heterosexual.

I mean, it's a heterosexual
I'm looking for.

Apropos of that, uh,

where is Carlos?

Carlos?

Wait a minute.
You think that me and...

He, uh, moved out.

He, uh, he moved
to another bungalow.

The bitch.

I see. Then I must have been
following the wrong man

from the start.

Either that or my wife
had a terrible nightmare.

She's had them before,

but they've never been
quite this loud.

Well, thank you.
How's that?

Thank, uh, thank you
for being so, um...

I mean, i'm-i'm
really happy that,

uh, it's all solved.

Yes.

Well, sorry to...

You are a rude young man.

How's that?

You are
a real dude,

man.

Oh, dude.
Oh, yes, of course.

Yes, well, sorry to-

Joel!

Who's this?

This is my, uh, sister.

Sister.
Sister, yeah.

Joel.

Oh, Joel.

Joel, I went all the way to L.A.
and took the next train back.

Joel, I wanna
have your baby,

but only if you're
willing to do your part.

Why are you
dressed like this?

Uh, no-no reason, really.

Mr. Roalvang, did you ever meet my,
uh, wife-ster?

This is Janet.

Charmed, I'm sure.
What's this about a baby?

Oh, this big palooka here's
been trying to get me pregnant

every which way
but lopsided.

Did-did I ever tell you how
much she looked like my sister

from about
10 yards away?

You don't
have a sister.

That's right, but if
I did have a sister

and that sister was
about 10 yards away,

it would be a very
strong resemblance.

Can you give US
a minute, please?

Oh, sure.

I'm so glad
to see you.

I can't wait.

Wait!

Where are you goin'?

I'd like to take
a shower.

Shower!
Smokey.

Yeah, it was a long ride-

you can't take a shower now.
The shower is broken!

See?

You see what I mean?
Smokey.

Stay out
of the bathroom!

What's that?

This is a present for you.

I gotta fix the shower.

No, not now.
I want to talk to you.

Uh...

Be right back.

What the blazes
is going on here?

Ah!
Great! My life is over!

You know,
I was thinking,

are you familiar with
the work of r.D. Laing?

Mrs. Roalvang,
I'm not really interested right now.

Let's just get US
out of here.

He discusses the difference

between joy and endurance.

Smokey!

Mr. Roalvang.

How are you, huh?

Are you on drugs?

Is that why they
call you smokey?

Mr. Roalvang,
I've never in my life taken any drugs-

whoa. Ohhh!

No, no, wait.
I want to see you.

How's that?

I...

I-i love the sea.

But I'll be, uh...

I'll be coming ashore
any minute now.

Just don't rush
on my account.

I like a nice conversation
in the middle of a shower,

don't you?
Just leaving.

Thank god
we're alone.

Thank god!

What now?
Damn it.

What are you doing?

What are you doing in the
shower with your shirt on?

I'm fixing the leak!
What are you doing?

I told you it was a long trip,
I'd like to take a shower!

Well...

No, no, not 2.
I wouldn't stand that.

Shh!

Mr. Roalvang
is right outside.

Are you sure?
I think he left.

No, go look.

Get back.

You're right.
Yeah. Yeah.

Uh, would you just go entertain
him for a minute, please?

Entertain him?

Yes. Oh, please.

I got to get out
of here!

Yes, Marge, I'll be
in the bungalow.

Have the brothers gonzaga
call me there.

Why are you
so tense?

I-

I know just the thing
to relax you.

All right, stay there.

Are you sure you don't
want something to drink?

Shh!

If you-
out!

Just what the devil is
going on in here?

Uh, just a-
just a little leak.

Fixin' her up.
She's nice and tight now.

I'm not talking
about that.

I'm talking about
that woman in there.

In there?
In there.

In there?
No, in there.

Don't tell me
she's your sister.

I wasn't
born yesterday.

Mr. Roalvang...

She's my wife.

Your wife?

You were trying
to have a baby

with your wife?

No wonder
Carlos left you.

This is the most disgusting
thing I've ever heard.

What was that?

How do I know?

It sounded like...

Darling, this man
was staring at me.

No, no, oh.

*

* 'cause the gang's
all here *

That-that-that
sounded, uh...

Are there any other requests?

Oh, l'air de clochette
from blackmail.

Oh, darling. That's hardly
the right tune

for a sing-along.

Oh.

L'air de clochette.

L'air de clochette
it is.

Maestro.

*

No, no.

Does anyone know
l'air de clochette?

From blackmail?

Yes.
By that punk telebe?

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, yeah, man. I know that.
That's no problem.

Hey, maestro.
Scoot it over, huh?

Great.
That is easy.

Ok.

You ready, baby?

Uno, dos,

uno, dos, tres, cuatro.

*

Come on, everybody!

*

Wonderful, darling.

Thank you,
sweetheart.

He knows how to play.

He's a real opera buff.

They all are.

Look at those hats.
What is this?

Oh, no, thanks.

Where were you?

We are 3 tunes
into the sing-along.

No one told US.

Put those on, please.

Oh, uh, we don't wear hats.
He never wears-

yeah, we're-we're not really
hat people.

Don't challenge me.

Wear them, join in,
and don't forget

the stutterman account
is at stake.

I'd-I'd really
rather not.

Don't argue with me, smokey.
Put 'em on!

Joel, wear it.

It's business.

There are some things
you've got to do.

What's one
more thing?

I'll see you later.

Where are you going?

To get some air.

All right, folks.

Song number 4 is up.

So what's your pleasure?

Oh! On top
of old smokey.

Oh, yes.

My wife's pleasure is
on top of old smokey.

So, a one and a 2
and a 3.

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